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“And in closing: English Trifle is an affront to decency, the palate and society at large. It must be stopped. Thank you.” Tim finishes his presentation as claps from the assembled adults in Babs' living room fill the room.
Graciously, Tim takes a bow and returns to the sofa where Bernard gives him a quick peck and a whispered “well done”. Tim had been nervous about introducing his boyfriend, but those nerves had quickly evaporated as Bernard took to his chaotic family like a duck to water.
“Yes, well done there Tim. Though, I’m sure Alfred would disagree on the status of trifle as a crime against humanity that needs to be stopped. But an excellent thesis.” Barbara laughed from her position by the projector, as she holds the clicker. “Okay, so far, we’ve had Stephanie extolling the virtues of neo-classical architecture courtesy of Tim. Cass with ranking ice cream brands, thank you Steph. Tim with Trifle thanks to me. Next up, we have Bernard…”
Two enthusiastic woops from Steph and Cass, as the blond man takes a theatrical stand and exaggerated bow. Tim fights a smile at his antics. Jason merely snorts from his lone armchair, casually swigging on a bottle of pilsner.
“…And your topic is…”
Click.
Groans. Groans from the assembled, save Jason.
“The Red Hood, picked by Jason.”
“On the fucking nose.” Steph quietly whispered to the room, with enthusiastic nodding from Cass.
Jason doesn’t even look embarrassed, instead smirking around the bottle’s rim. Taking a sip before saluting Bernard.
“Okay Blondie, give us your best.”
Tim himself is trying to fight back a laugh. He’d mentioned to the family that Bernard used to love conspiracies, especially about Gotham’s caped community so it’ll be amazing to see how he’d view the Red Hood.
Go get ‘em Bern, Tim thought as his boyfriend confidently strode up to the wall and bowed his head to Barbara, who nodded back.
“Thank you, Jason for this one.”
Another bottle salute.
“Ladies and Gentlethems, lords and ladies of the cushioned court, I am here to inform you about the truth of the masked vigilante known as Red Hood.” Bernard begins, wheels turning in his head and an almost manic smile.
“Now, as I’m sure we’re all aware, the Red Hood is tangentially linked to the Batman.”
A few nods, and a rough barely muttered to Jason’s bottle.
“But let me dispel you of the notion that the Red Hood is an unaligned vigilante in Batman’s City. Oh no, in my research I am led to believe that he is in fact the second orphan to have worn the mantle of Robin!”
Oh shit¸ Tim thinks, watching as everyone in the room slowly sits slightly up at alert. This is going to be good.
“Now, we are all aware of the fact that urban legend goes that the original Robin went on to become Nightwing. But this is untrue. And how do I know this you ask?”
Tim risks a glance to his siblings, and they are loving it. Oh well done Tim, and well-done Jason. His boyfriend was amazing, even if he was usually way off base with these things. Wonderful, beautiful and brilliant Bernard. Tim smiles to himself.
“How do you know it?” Jason asks, gaze assessing, and a new bottle opened.
“I’m glad you asked! Well, it all ties to the Red Hood. The Batman, and the Shadow Government that backs him, do not encourage emotional attachment or free will in the Robins.”
Okay bit too close to the mark there, Tim thinks.
Jason with a shit eating grin nods enthusiastically in agreement.
“This is why I believe that the Red Hood is the second Robin, who was considered a hot head and sometimes loose cannon during his tenure as Robin.”
Nods all around there.
Hah, take that Jay.
“As such, because to Batman and the Shadow Government the second Robin was defective for their plans and aims, they tried to get rid of him. But failed.”
Deathly silence. A tense silence, and a few nervous glances towards Jason.
“Makes sense, Batman does seem like an emotionally repressed prick.” Jason muses from his seat in agreement.
“Exactly, and I think on top of that, part of the reason was also due to the fact that the Red Hood had been trying to save his replacement Robin from the same fate.”
Wait…what?
“Which brings me onto my next point: the Red Hood is in love, and potentially in a relationship with the third Robin, who is currently using the moniker Red Robin.”
Clunk.
Jason’s bottle has hit the floor, along with his own and Tim’s jaw.
Bernard, I love you, but what the frock? Tim wonders.
“Okay Blondie, I’m going to need you to back the eff up and explain.”
Tim risks a glance and…yep Cass and Steph are almost choking on held back laughter.
Frock.
Babs looks conspicuously well put together; poker face nigh impenetrable.
God, Tim thinks, I am just so glad that Dick, Duke and Damian aren’t here.
“Ahem, if I may continue?” Bernard asks to Jason, who merely dips his head in acquiescence.
“Right, so why am I sure that they’re together you ask? Well, out of the Gotham masked vigilantes, Red Hood and Red Robin interact the most. When seen together they interact the most compared to any others. Nightwing is often seen with the current Robin, whereas the Batgirl is often seen with the so-called Black Bat.”
Tenuous and circumstantial at best, Tim argues mentally.
“Further, any observed interaction between the two is often highly charged and physical.”
Yes, because Jason is usually trying to shoot or maim me. Tim thinks.
“So?” Jason asks, “Maybe Hood just loathes his replacement.”
Bernard rolls his eyes.
“That’s a heteronormative viewpoint based on toxic masculinity and an inability to see the unconscious messages between them. Hood is clearly interested in the Red Robin. What most with a heteronormative perspective would see is aggression and domineering. However, when you look it is far more a protective and concerned posture that you see between a dominant and insecure lover. As I said: the Hood tried to save the Red Robin before from the machinations of Batman and the Shadow Government. You could likely argue that when a temporary Batman took over, that the Hood may have even tried to recruit the Red Robin.”
Frock…fuck. What the hell, Bern?!
“So, he tried to recruit him? Doesn’t mean anything. And insecure? Really?” Jason scoffs.
“Doesn’t it? Why would the Hood try to recruit his replacement if he didn’t care about him? The interactions scream UST and the way Hood appears to aggressively manhandle the younger Red Robin implies that he views the other as his.”
Yep, Tim thinks, I am going to die of embarrassment. If I jump out the window and land just right, I could likely end it all now.
From a careful aside glance, Jason appears to be contemplating the same thing.
Cass raises a hand.
“Yes Cass?” Bernard asks.
“What is U S T?” she asks.
“Oh right, UST means unresolved sexual tension.”
Traitorous sister. Tim’s mind bites.
“Circumstantial!” Tim bites out, unable to take anymore and wanting to shut this down.
“Is it?” Bernard responds and Babs, the traitor, shoots Tim death eyes. “Think about it: Hood is only ever physical with Red Robin. With any other member of the Bats, he keeps a distance and a shoot first, ask questions never policy.”
Jason nods along.
“Isn’t there a saying about keep your friends close, and enemies closer?” Jason asks.
“Yes, but let’s not discount that Hood normally keeps his enemies’ heads in a duffle bag. If he wanted the Red Robin dead, he’d have done it by now.”
Or maybe, Red Robin was a stubborn bastard. Tim responds in his head.
“Wait! Why Hood though?” Steph asks, eyes belying mischief and treason. Why did Tim date her again?
Tim nods along in agreement at her point.
“Why not like…Superboy?”
Oh, she is so dead. And her digital store of Downton Abbey was getting nuked.
“Pfft. Too easy: Red Robin isn’t with Superboy because it’s too close to how Batman is with Superman. The Red Hood managed to break some of the programming imposed by Shadow Government. That’s why even though the Red Robin still works with the Batman, he doesn’t follow him completely, which is why we have the current Robin who follows the desired emotionless mould and appears to have attachment to the new Superman.”
Wait, wasn’t there a time limit on these thing…Babs you evil mastermind. Tim realises as he notices the timer by Babs has conspicuously been switched off. True about the Hellspawn though.
“So, as I was saying: Red Hood is in love with Red Robin and even though he couldn’t break all the programming put in by the Batman and the Shadow Government, he still got through and now tries to keep the man he loves safe. And that is why the Red Hood is clearly the second Robin: he is trying to break the cycle and save his lover.”
“And that’s time.” Babs chimes in, far after the allotted time. “I think we should take a quick bre…Cass?”
“Why Red Robin and Hood, not say Nightwing?” she asks ‘innocently’. Tim knows better.
“Oh that’s easy: while Nightwing is a beautiful man, the Hood is clearly a beefcake that the Red Robin wants to climb like a tree, and I can’t blame him.”
“Babe, please: never, ever say that again.” Tim pleads.
Bernard just looks at him strangely.
“Tim, you know I love you, but we already agreed that Red Robin was my vigilante freebie. And you can’t blame me if his bf asked me to join, we already agreed that you could have Red Arrow.”
Maybe it was time to enact his plan to fake his death and join the French Foreign Legion? Tim thought.
Unfortunately, Tim caught the eyes of Jason and both blushed before furiously looking away.
Shit, why did his boyfriend have to make him realise that Jay was actually handsome? God damn, latent bisexuality. Wait…did Bernard just mention his crush on Roy?
Fuck.