Archive of Our Own

Blurry shapes move onstage. They're in the high end private viewing box or whatever—the one where tickets cost more than double of those below. Pointless, really, when Ash can't see any of what's going on.

Not that it would matter anyway. He's not sure he would be able to pay attention even if he could see. Not with the hand creeping up his thigh. He's pretty sure he wouldn't be able to focus on anything else.

Is there anyone else in the box with them? Ash can't quite tell. He can't focus—the sounds onstage are too loud and he can't sense whether there are others here besides Dino's men. Is Dino just going to molest him in front of other viewers? Or are they alone?

Not molest, Ash corrects himself. You can't fucking molest something like me.

It's been hard, recently. He keeps thinking of himself as almost human, since meeting Eiji. Since Eiji's seen him as human.

It's terrifying.

Not that it matters now.

He'll never see Eiji again. The way things should be.

Ash is back where he belongs, and Eiji is safe. Eiji will forget him. Eiji will go back to Japan. He'll be happy, and he'll forget Ash. All it cost was everything, but only for Ash.

A small, small price to pay.

Ash is ... kind of happy that this happened, actually. He isn't sure he would have been able to leave Eiji without something like this to tear him away.

Back where he belongs ...

Dino's hand moves up. Ash couldn't see it—couldn't anticipate it. He almost whimpers, but manages to keep silent.

Maybe that was the wrong move, because the old man applies more pressure, and Ash fucking squirms. He doesn't want to be here. He—he knows he deserves this, but he doesn't want—

He wonders if Eiji would believe Ash if he said he doesn't like it this way. Doesn't like it rough. Doesn't like it public. Doesn't like it against his will. Doesn't like being fucking abused, even if he is nothing more than a sex toy. He doesn't ...

Would Eiji scoff? Laugh at him and ask why he's spent his whole life in this position?

Eiji's not like that, Ash tells himself. But ...

Ash is. Ash is like that.

Ash is right where he belongs.

God, he wants to die. He feels so weak. He hasn't eaten since being back with Dino, even when he does try. It's so hard. Everything feels fucking impossible. He manages to still be the perfect toy, though—the perfect tool—in the bedroom and in the war room.

And here.

Dino squeezes him, and Ash wants to fucking die. Without taking his hand away from Ash's crotch, Dino's other hand takes Ash's arm, forcing it right into position against the button on Dino's suit pants.

Ash leans forward as his stomach lurches. He's glad he hasn't eaten; if he vomited here, everything would just be that much worse.

Maybe he'll waste away like this ...

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Dino forces Ash's hand back and forth, rubbing against him, and Ash gets the message.

This is so much harder when he can't fucking see, but it—it doesn't matter. It's not like any other blowup doll can see ...

Ash has a job to do. And where he is or what state he's in doesn't change that. An angel in bed and a devil in front of the politicians—he knows his role. His part to play.

And now that Eiji's life is at stake, he knows he—

He's here forever, now. Where he belongs.

He can't see, and there's panic closing in around his throat. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to be with Eiji. He wants to—wants to—

It doesn't matter what you want, he thinks. It's never mattered what you want, has it?

Even less so, now.

At least Dino didn't throw him back into Club Cod, but this is ... worse, in a way. Ash hates himself even more for this. The plans he's giving to the military—Ash is hurting people. And as much as he tells himself he doesn't have a choice, he's still hurting people.

And at the end of the day he's back in Dino's bedroom anyway.

It's worse. Yeah, it's worse.

Ash isn't sure if the sudden revulsion he feels is from thinking about his actions in front of those politicians, or his actions here—nothing more than a fucking cock sleeve for Dino even in public. Every second he spends outside of strategizing is just—this.

There's no other reason Dino would want him here. It's not like Ash can fucking see the opera, anyway. He's just here to keep the old man warm.

Ash feels like crying.

God, if he ruins the opera for Dino, he's not even sure what would happen. Ash's stupid rebellious streak has been increasingly crushed lately, just like his goddamn spirit.

He hates himself. Hates everything about this, but mostly himself.

But if it means Eiji is safe ... ? He loves Eiji. Maybe more than he hates himself. He loves Eiji so much that it hurts. He's so ... so lucky ... to have ever had someone like Eiji touch his life ...

Ash closes his eyes, shutting out the confusing mess of blurry shapes around him. He pictures Eiji in his mind, despite what he's doing with his hand—Eiji, safe. Eiji, leaving him. Forgetting him.

It makes Ash want to cry even more, but it also brings a feeling of peace, in a way.

Eiji is safe, because of Ash. If Ash was going to do one thing right in his life, he kept Eiji safe.

Of course, he's the reason Eiji was in danger in the first place ...

God, Ash loves him. Ash would live this same fucked up life a thousand more times if it meant he could spend just a fraction of it with Eiji. Eiji was the best part of his life ...

Even if he was the worst part of Eiji's.

On the ride back to Dino's estates, Dino sits in the back with Ash. Ash still can't see, but he can feel Dino's body next to him. Too warm.

Ash holds his hand in front of his face, trying to gauge if his sight is starting to come back yet. But everything is still just a mess of shapes. He'll probably have to sleep it off.

Dino grabs Ash's hand, the one he was holding up, and Ash gasps. He couldn't see it coming. He couldn't—anticipate—

God, this is so hard. It's so much worse this way.

Dino's grip on Ash's wrist is far too tight, and Ash swallows down the panic he feels. He should be used to this by now. Why does it never get easier? If he was made to be a goddamn fucktoy, why does it never get easier?

"Tell me how you want it when we get back," Dino hisses, and Ash knows what he's supposed to say.

"M-make it hurt," he whispers.

"Beg for it."

Ash wants to die.

— — —

Every single time Ash is 'allowed' to leave the estates—forced to be nothing more than a pretty toy on Dino's arm or lap, more like—he's blinded. He can't see anything, and it's terrifying.

It really doesn't get any easier.

He still can't bring himself to eat, and that pisses Dino off too. It's not like Ash is trying to starve himself. He just ... he fucking can't. He can't do any of this.

He'd like to think that at least food is something he has control over, but he really doesn't. If it were up to Dino, he'd be eating exactly what he was told—but Ash is so fucking stupid, he can't even manage that.

Dino announces that he's adopting Ash, and Ash laughs. He can't help himself. It's a joke. It's the cruelest joke yet. Who would adopt a sex toy as their heir—their son? It's so fucked up. Ash is a blowup doll. A cock sleeve. A breathing, walking Fleshlight! Why the fuck would ... ?

It's so goddamn messed up ...

If there were anything in Ash's stomach, he definitely wouldn't be able to keep it down. Not after this.

He wants to die, but he can't even have that escape. Not when Dino's threatened that Eiji would follow Ash into the afterlife if he kills himself, by starvation or anything else.

He's never felt so trapped before, and that's saying a lot.

Ash doesn't know what to do anymore.

He can't walk now. He's so weak. He feels faint every time he moves. He can't ... can't do anything ...

Useless for everything but ...

Dino puts him in a wheelchair. He still can't spend any moment alone, whether he can move or not. No matter how weak he gets, there's no escape. Ash doesn't need to move in order to do his job here.

He—he hates himself—

God, he would kill himself if he could.

But he knows that even that escape would put Eiji in danger.

And there's a party. A fucking party to celebrate Dino adopting Ash, and of course Ash is expected to be there. In a wheelchair if needed, but he still has to be there. Still has to be by Dino's side.

And then Eiji shows up.

Ash thought he knew what fear felt like—but he's never experienced something like this before. Eiji, so fucking close to Dino, and Ash—unable to see him. Unable to protect him.

Dino could do anything—fucking anything—and Ash wouldn't be able to stop him. Anything to Ash, or—to Eiji.

The only reason Ash escapes is because he has a feeling Eiji won't leave without him.

Eiji didn't forget about him ... ?

Why ... ?

Ash thought that, if there even was a god, he'd given up on Ash. That he didn't care anymore. Not about Ash.

But this—this—Eiji coming back for him ...

This is something like faith. All over again.

Ash wants to—he want to live ... ?

It's a weird feeling. Not one he's used to.

Ash feels sick.

They make it out. Somehow, they—they make it out.

Once Ash and Eiji are alone in the train station—or as alone as they can be, at least—Ash ... Ash relaxes his guard. Fuck, he trusts Eiji.

He ends up dry heaving in a corner of the train. He feels so fucking sick. So weak, in more ways than one. He's swaying on his feet. He couldn't even fucking stand before, and only adrenaline has kept him going through this fucking mess of an escape.

They're going to be caught. They're going to get caught, and Eiji's going to die. Ash pushes the thought down, but—he can't quite kill it. If Eiji dies here, it'll be Ash's fault.

"You're sick, aren't you?" Eiji murmurs.

Ash can't lie to him.

"Rest. Please."

Ash wants to cry.

Eiji—Eiji—Eiji helps him change clothes. Ash still can't see. He can't see himself, and he can't see Eiji's reaction to seeing Ash strip. To helping Ash strip. But somehow, he knows it's not—it's not lust. He's never ... no one's ever seen Ash this way without Ash's skin crawling.

He's so ... so lucky, to have met someone like Eiji ...

And Ash can eat, with Eiji. For the first time in—how long now? He's able to eat. This shitty canned soup, probably expired, tastes ... better than anything Ash has ever tasted in his life.

Ash closes his eyes. Leans back against the filthy subway wall. Almost laughs. He could lick this goddamn wall—service even that with his mouth—and it wouldn't make him any dirtier than he already is, would it?

"How could anyone ever want to hurt you ... ?" Eiji whispers.

Ash's eyes drift open again, but he's not sure why. He still can't see anything.

He wants to see Eiji.

"How could anyone not?" Ash replies. His voice isn't bitter, though. Just ... sad.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"... I know." And Ash does know. Eiji doesn't ... he really doesn't want to hurt Ash. For some reason. "It confuses me."

Ash really ... really wants to see Eiji. Wants to see Eiji's expression as he says, "I would never want to hurt you, Ash."

Ash doesn't respond. He's worried that if he does, he'll cry.

"Is there anything I can do to help you right now?" Eiji asks.

And of course Ash knows that he's too far gone for anything to help him. But even so, he can't stop himself from being selfish. From asking ... "Tell me you love me?" he whispers. "It's okay if it's a lie. You can lie to me. Just ... I just want to hear it."

"Oh, Ash," Eiji says, and his voice breaks. Ash's heart breaks, too. "I love you. And it—it's not a lie. I love you."

"... It's okay if it is a lie," Ash explains. "I know it's—kind of impossible for anyone to love me. Without ..."

"But I still do. I would ... I would do anything for you."

And somehow, Ash almost believes him. After all, he's proven it, hasn't he? He's run headfirst into danger, just to save Ash from a fate that Ash deserves anyway.

"Then ..." Ash starts, then hesitates.

"What is it?" Eiji asks.

"I think I'm going to fall asleep. So can you ... stay with me?"

"I won't ever leave you."

"... Can you—" touch me? "Can you be near me? Can I ... Can I lean against you? Sorry if that's too much to ask."

Eiji's voice sounds choked, and Ash thinks he might be crying. "You could never ask too much," Eiji whispers. "And leave the apologizing to me, okay?"

Ash nods. He's still dizzy.

"I'm going to join you now, okay? Against your shoulder."

"Okay," Ash croaks. When Eiji approaches, Ash lays the blanket over him. And he's never—he's never been under a blanket with someone like ... this.

"I love you," Ash says. And I don't want to die when I'm with you.

"I love you too. Ash, I—I can't explain how much I love you."

Ash sobs. Cries himself to sleep.

He dreams of Eiji holding him, taking Ash into his arms right here in this subway.

But he knows it's just a dream.