Work Text:
“Bastard! How could you have let him die?!”
I didn’t have a choice…
“What are you going to tell his wife?! His kids?! His family?!”
I don’t know…
“It should’ve been you who died!”
But what about my family…? My mother… my father… my brothers and sister…
“You should kill yourself! Sacrifice yourself!”
“Hey stop, leave Naib alone! He tried his best!”
“He didn’t try hard enough!”
I’m so sorry… I’m sorry… I'm so sorry…
“Naib is so useless! He can’t do anything right!”
“How could you have left him behind?! Against Percy no less!”
“Don’t you realize that bleeding out deals with longer lasting effects outside of matches?!”
“You’re so pathetic, Naib!”
He was frozen in place, blue eyes as wide as tennis balls. Everything was overwhelming. He couldn’t hear himself over the pain-filled thoughts. He couldn’t hear anything or think of anything. His head was aching, a bleak amount of rage coursing through his veins. He couldn’t see anything, or it felt like his vision was blurred. He couldn’t think straight whatsoever, and Naib Subedar felt like he was taken over by something else.
“Hey, that’s-” before the voice could continue, the mercenary lunged towards the nearest person, unable to think or breathe, anger coursing through his veins. He couldn’t think straight at all, taken over by pure anger. Breathing was becoming harder and harder. It hurt. Naib couldn’t think. All he could see was the people who berated him.
“I-It’s not my fault..!” he shouted, words echoing throughout his ears, “it’s not…! I-I tried…! I tried, I tried, I tried…!!” The mercenary kept repeating those words, seeing red as he trembled violently. His hands were around the man’s throat, unable to see what he was doing. He was overwhelmed, trembling and unable to breathe, panting heavily as tears fell from his eyes. He was frozen in place when the man underneath him clawed at him. Naib couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. Everything was aching, hurting.
“Naib…!” a voice cried out. Naib couldn’t recognize it until gentle arms had hooked around his waist, carefully pulling him away from the man. The person who’d grabbed him had been surprisingly gentle, but due to his state, he assumed this was another enemy. He aggressively shifted his body, shouting “get off of me” with his voice completely panicked. He couldn’t breathe. Naib’s body trembled violently as he found himself struggling to calm down, if that was even possible right now. His fight or flight response kicked in, and within mere moments, he’d thrown the person behind him off of him, sending them flying into the dining hall table.
“Luca!” another voice cried out, thrown into the frey. That’s when Naib stopped moving entirely, frozen in place. Luca…? As in Luca Balsa? As in his boyfriend ? Vision coming back properly, Naib blinked to see his surroundings. Norton Campbell was sitting up now, a hand lightly on his own throat, trying to rub it soothingly as Ganji Gupta and Emma Woods had hurried to his side to see if he was doing alright. It was then Naib glanced over to the dining hall table, seeing Tracy Reznik, Victor Grantz, and Andrew Kreiss flocking to Luca’s sides. Naib flinched. He’d… he’d harmed Luca? No way. Of all people, Naib would’ve never laid a hand on Luca…! Stumbling backwards, he clutched his head, eyes wide and haunted as he trembled violently, knees caving in.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Norton shouted before flinching from the pain at his throat.
“Naib, calm the hell down…!” Kevin Alonso shouted. The dining hall had become loud, with so many voices, so many worried noises. There was so much noise, shifting Naib to cover his ears.
“Leave him alone!” Luca’s voice rang out, causing everyone to go silent. The dining hall had gone silent from the prisoner’s unusual shouting as he hurried over to Naib, despite the throbbing and bruising pain in his body and his head. “E-Easy Naib, you’re okay, right…? J-Just deep breaths.” Luca’s voice was shaky, but not out of fear. However, Naib didn’t know that, and he stumbled backwards out of the prisoner’s reach. Blue eyes wide and haunted, he met several of the gazes belonging to the survivors in the dining hall. “N-Naib…?”
“...” Naib was frightened, looking down at his hands. They were so shaky, and his vision was so blurry. No one had ever seen the mercenary so… well, out of his composure. It was rare when Naib lost his composure like this; it wasn’t uncommon for him to lose his temper and punch someone (specifically Norton), but this was entirely different. He was… he was exposed, vulnerable. He felt like he was bare to the bone, everyone seeing right into him. Worst of all? Luca had seen this side of him. Of all people, Naib didn’t want it to have been Luca to see this side of him. Haunted eyes daring to look at Luca, he could already see it; Luca was struggling to stand more than usual, and Naib could spot the trickle of blood from his head when hitting the dining table. After all, Naib had aggressively knocked Luca off of him. Luca was injured because of him , the person who promised he would never hurt him. Even if Naib wasn’t thinking, or even in control of himself, he still hurt Luca. He’d never forgive himself for doing something like that. “I-I’m… s-so fucking sorry…” His voice barely audible, the mercenary felt like a mouse surrounded by cats. Such a feeling was not a comforting one for Naib - he always liked to be in control. From being the dominant one in the bedroom, to being the first one to stand up for Luca, Naib did not like to be vulnerable or out of control. Now that he’d lost his control, he felt more vulnerable than ever, and he hated it.
“N-Naib, hold on-” Luca cried out, but it was too late; the mercenary had scurried out of the room. It was dead silent as Emily Dyer approached both Norton and Luca. Awkward silence filled the room, the atmosphere becoming thick and tense.
“... A-Are you both alright…?” Emily asked, clearing her throat when she stuttered, remaining as calm as she could. Norton clicked his tongue in distaste.
“I will be when that bastard gets punished,” he murmured, only for the batter next to him to squeeze his shoulder reassuringly.
“Easy now. It is not like you haven’t had something like this happen before where you were in Subedar’s place,” he informed, only making Norton a bit more annoyed, but quietened down since he knew arguing was pointless. Luca just stood, watching where Naib had gone. Everything ached; he took quite a tumble into the dining table, so hard that the table ended up moving. Food was on the floor (and on survivor’s clothes), and Luca just stood there.
“Mister Balsa…?” Emily murmured, “are you okay? He hit really hard there.” Luca clenched his fists, and his teeth, looking down.
“Don’t… don’t say it like that,” he began to tremble in anger. Luca wasn’t shy of his own ptsd attacks, and while he was never like this, he could get very self destructive during his ptsd attacks. He knew instantly this was something from Naib’s past that was triggered. “Don’t you dare say it like he was trying to hurt me…!” He turned around, anger painted on his face. It was rare for Luca to ever get angry - he always tried to be pleasant and polite, always thoughtful of those around him, but this was unforgivable.
“Luca, I’m sure Emily didn’t mean it like that,” Tracy tried to reassure the prisoner, only for Luca to become angrier.
“That’s not the only issue! You’re all… so angry with him, afraid of him, and for what? Something he can’t control?” Luca grimaced, his hands becoming clammy in the gloves he wore. “As if the lot of us aren't damaged or carrying some sort of trauma! Don’t treat him like he’s awful because of something he can’t control!” Luca looked down again, gray hues fixated on his brown leather ankle boots. “... When those around us are struggling… we need to help them, not make them feel like they’re a freak for what they’re feeling. Yes, he was aggressive and I can understand it was scary… but you’re treating it as though it was something in his control… not to mention the fact that YOU guys triggered his ptsd in the first place!” He turned to Norton, Servais le Roy, and Vera Nair, who each clicked their tongues, averting their eyes. “Blaming him when he tried his best… winning isn’t everything. We’re all trapped here for eternity, get used to it.” He shifted on his heel, heading towards the main hall doors where Naib had gone. He paused, feeling pain shoot through his legs, causing him to lean against the wall, gritting his teeth.
“C’mon now, prince charming,” Kevin said, before scooping the prisoner up, “you can’t go comforting Subedar now looking like this; you’ll only make it worse.” Luca flinched, before averting his eyes. He knew deep down inside, the cowboy was right. Naib would see Luca’s injuries and only feel worse. “Dr. Dyer, let’s go get Luca and Norton treated.” Nodding her head, the group had left the dining hall in complete shambles, everyone silent at Luca’s revelation. They knew that Luca was right - almost everyone here carried some sort of semblance of trauma, and some had severe enough ptsd from their trauma that affected them and the others around them. Norton was definitely no stranger to that, and so were a few others. It was frustrating watching everyone get angry at Naib for being unable to save Norton from Percy, and then proceeded to berate him over it enough to trigger something from Naib’s past. Luca… Luca wanted nothing more than to be by Naib’s side right now, consoling him, comforting him, reassuring him that everything was alright. It… it pained Luca to be away from Naib, especially in a time of need, but Kevin was right. Luca had to get treated first before he tried to approach Naib, otherwise he’d end up just making things worse for the mercenary. That was the last thing Luca wanted to do for his boyfriend.
***
What time was it even? Naib had lost track of the time, though he wasn’t even sure he’d been paying attention to the time in the first place. He laid on his bed, almost lifelessly, like a porcelain doll. His bedroom door was locked, and he’d paid little to no attention to anyone who came by. Martha Behamfil came by to check on him, so did Eli Clark, Ganji Gupta, and William Ellis. Naib ignored them all. He didn’t bother getting up or telling them to leave, either. He just remained quiet and motionless on his bed. His dark tan cheeks were tear stained, blue eyes remaining haunted yet lifeless as they gazed at the ceiling. He hurt Luca, he hurt the man he’d loved most. How could he let himself lose his composure? All because some survivors were being dicks to him. The mercenary thought of himself as pathetic, useless. What kind of boyfriend was he if he couldn’t even protect his own boyfriend from himself? Thoughts of anguish flooded Naib’s veins as he shifted to lay on his side. His chest ached, and so did his head. He couldn’t believe he’d gone and lost himself. It was an anger he couldn’t control, a swarming amount of pain that wouldn’t vanish. He did not care what the others thought of him (well, maybe a little bit now that they knew how vulnerable he actually was). What Naib cared most for was that he had injured his beloved Luca. How could he have done that? He knew he wasn’t in control at the time, but the brunette man still hated himself so much for hurting Luca. An apology wasn’t good enough, Naib thought. Luca deserved better than him, Naib thought. Was there anything he could’ve done to make it better? Shifting, Naib swallowed down his saliva in a quiet gulp. He’d lost track of time, but he was well aware that dinner was long done now, and so were matches. A shaky exhale left his lips. It’d taken Naib forever to calm down, and even now, he wasn’t calm. The brunette felt like he was choking at the thought that he hurt Luca.
All that corrupted Naib’s mind was that he didn’t deserve Luca, that Luca deserved so much better than him. Luca was a wonderful man, with a golden heart and a brilliant mind. He was perfect, even with his flaws and all. Naib didn’t deserve him, not when he hurt him. It was the first time the mercenary had lost his cool like that… he’d never intentionally try to hurt Luca and Naib would never excuse or forgive his actions. It was just… in that moment, Luca wasn’t Luca. He was someone from Naib’s military times, someone who had come up behind him trying to hurt him. He couldn’t breathe again, feeling his chest tightening. Reaching a bandaged hand up, Naib clutched his chest, clutching his black shirt tightly within his hand. The mercenary was practically screaming at himself mentally to try and focus his breathing, to try and calm down. He didn’t want to lose himself again, but the thoughts of his war times started rushing back to his mind, leaving him feeling sick. Memories began flooding back, one that particularly haunted Naib came to his mind.
“Hey Naib, we’ll be friends forever, right?”
Yes, of course…
“I’ll be your best man at your wedding, yeah? Your partner is going to be one lucky bastard!”
Do you really think so?
“I do! Dude, anyone who gets with you is lucky!”
You’re too funny.
I’m… I’m so sorry… Jagadish… I’m so sorry…
“Naib… why… why did you kill me?”
I wasn’t trying to…! I… I couldn’t see through the smoke…!
“Why do you hate me? You… you hurt me… Naib…”
I didn’t mean it…! I was… I couldn’t see… I-I heard gunfire…
“Naib! Naib please! Naib save me! Please don’t kill me please!”
“JAGADISH…!!!”
“Naib…!”
The voice rang out, leaving Naib frozen in place in his bed. The voice had snapped him from his thoughts - he didn’t think he’d have a response. He’d forgotten he was in the manor, gulping down his saliva as he recognized the voice. There was a slight bang on the door. “Naib! Please are you okay?!” It was… it was Luca.
“Go away…!” Naib shouted. Unlike the others who came by to check on him, Naib actually gave Luca a response. There was silence, and Naib realized what he’d done, before quickly sitting up. “L-Luca I’m so -” he was cut off when he got up from the bed before stumbling over his own feet, collapsing to the ground. He was never clumsy, always had his composure… this was entirely unusual for him. He could barely breathe, gasping for breath.
“Naib, I’m coming in…!” shouted Luca, the door knob turning.
“P-Please don’t…!” Naib shouted through his gasps for breath. The door knob stopped turning as soon as Naib said that. “I… I-I don’t… *hiccup* want you t-to see me… l-like this… a-and I-I don’t… w-want to hurt you again…” On his knees, the brunette stared down at the floor, tears pooling from his eyes. He hated that he’d become so vulnerable and weak in such a short time. He hated that there was so much fear and anguish haunting his soul right now. He thought about his friend in the war. It… it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault, there was no way it was his fault…!
“... Naib. I’m coming in,” Luca said shortly afterwards.
“Luca, wait…!” but it was too late; the prisoner had already opened the door and was now entering the room. He closed the door behind him, before giving the brunette a soft and gentle smile. Naib was frozen, before shifting to sit on his rear, a hand on his face to hide it from the prisoner’s face. “... I-I’m s-supposed to be your hero… y-you can’t… s-see me like this… y-you can’t… be here… I-I could hurt you again…” Naib stifled sobs, stifled the urge to sob and cry. Luca was frozen upon seeing Naib in shambles, swallowing down his saliva. He quickly shook his head, warding off his own worries and anxieties about this. He’d taken a little bit of time to recover, but he didn’t want to waste any time not being here when Naib needed him the most. He approached the mercenary carefully, before getting down on his knees, cream colored gloves reaching to place themselves on Naib’s cheeks, lifting his head upwards with a small, yet toothy grin on his face.
“Naib, you’re still my hero,” Luca whispered out softly, as though making sure only Naib could hear his sweet words, “just because you’re struggling doesn’t make you any less of my hero…”
“B-But Luca… I still… hurt you…” Naib murmured, tan cheeks tear stained.
“Did you mean to?” Luca inquired, “is it any different from when my electricity shocks you?” Naib closed his mouth after going to say something, before averting his eyes. “Naib you’re still my hero, still the man I love more than anything… and that isn’t going to change, alright? You’re still that strong, brave, selfless, protective, and kind man I fell in love with, Naib.” Carefully, Luca shifted his arms to wrap around Naib, holding the mercenary close to him, carefully rubbing his back. “... So many times, you had to help me through my own ptsd attacks… and my own issues… you have to deal with me sometimes waking up and just… forgetting who you are or where I am… you’re so patient with me, so thoughtful and understanding… you’re always the first to stand up for me and stand by my side when the others can get angry or frustrated with me… you’ve always been my knight in shining armor, Naib.” Luca continued to soothingly rub the mercenary’s back, gray eyes soft and caring. “... Just because you're my knight in shining armor doesn’t mean that you have to be strong all the time… I’m yours too, you know. I… don’t know what you’ve been through a-and I know you don’t really open up to me about it and that’s okay but you don’t have to go through this alone…” He clutched the man closer, unable to look at him, knowing Naib might not even want Luca to see him like this more than he already had. “We’ll get through this together, okay? Like we always have… I’ll make sure that this won’t happen again, alright?”
“... J-Jagadish would’ve liked you…” murmured Naib, shifting to bury his face into the junction connecting Luca’s neck to his shoulder. Luca paused. Jagadish? To be fair, the chocolate haired brunette had heard Naib shout the name before he spoke up. It was silent, the prisoner unsure whether to question Naib about this Jagadish or not. However, after a few moments of silence, Naib went on talking anyway. “... He was a comrade in the war. A good friend of mine that I made when first entering. I…” Naib swallowed hard, closing his blue eyes tightly. “... We’d been ambushed by the enemy while waiting for orders from the higher ups. They threw a smoke bomb at us, clouded our line of vision. I heard gunshots, so I fired from where it was coming from. When the smoke cleared… I’d shot them all dead but… I… I had also shot Jagadish dead. I… I put so many rounds in him…” Gulping down, Naib gritted his teeth, clenching tighter on Luca. “... I… I not only hurt my best friend, but I killed him. I… I was terrified I’d hurt you even worse than I already have.”
“Naib…” Luca shifted to make sure Naib was facing him now, eye to eye. Carefully, Luca shifted his cream colored gloves, drying Naib’s tears. “I’m so sorry but… it’s not something you could’ve controlled. You couldn’t see… you were afraid… many people will act that way when their fight or flight response kicks in. I’m sure Jagadish wouldn’t hold it against you.”
“... This fucked up brain of mine doesn’t agree with you…” murmured Naib, averting his eyes. He had a very faint smile though, seemingly appreciating Luca’s words. It wasn’t easy for him to calm down, but Luca… Luca always knew how to calm him down faster and better than anything or anyone else could. Naib appreciated the prisoner very much, pausing and remaining there in Luca’s embrace. “... So… I’m really still your knight, huh?”
“Of course,” Luca shifted to place multiple kisses on Naib’s face, giggling softly as he did so. Naib gave off the faintest of smiles, but all the more genuine. “I’m… I’m glad you opened up a little bit to me, Naib.”
“... Yeah, me too,” Naib murmured, “... maybe one day I’ll tell you what triggered me earlier but… I’m a bit exhausted.”
“Yeah… you dealt with a lot today,” Luca said before helping Naib up and over to the bed, “I’ll stay with you, okay? You don’t have to worry about hurting me, okay? It’s going to be okay…” Naib glanced over to Luca with glassy eyes, before smiling faintly.
“... I’m not sure how a guy like me got lucky with a guy like you,” murmured Naib, though he seemed to be more than happy that Luca had gone out of his way to make Naib feel better.
“Heh, I think we both are the lucky ones here, because I’m lucky to have landed a man like you,” Luca said and chuckled before helping Naib lay down in the bed, grinning from ear to ear.
“... Mhm, you’re going to sleep with me, right?” murmured the mercenary, tugging the prisoner down on the bed with him.
“Well, since you insist,” Luca said and chuckled, removing his shoes and his leg braces, before removing his chain and gloves, each fell to the floor, the chain and shoes with a thump. Instantly, arms and legs tangled together as the blanket was pulled over the both of them by the brunette mercenary, clutching Luca close. Reaching a hand up, he carefully undid Luca’s ponytail, letting the prisoner’s chocolate strands fall to his shoulders. The mercenary was still feeling haunted and afraid that he’d end up hurting Luca once more but… Luca had a strong effect on him, one that put the mercenary at ease and became calmer and less worried. It was as though Luca had some sort of magic touch, one that the war veteran appreciated more than anything else in the world. He was a very lucky man, and definitely planned on treating Luca for being so good to him. It was only a matter of time but Naib knew he’d heal, slowly but surely, and so would Luca. They’d heal together, through thick and thin like they always had been.