Chapter Text
Due to a rogue plot device Loki turned into a baby while fighting the Avengers. After the initial flash where Loki changed from a tall man to a tiny baby there was an abrupt stop in the fighting and everyone stared.
Thor, realising that his brother was now small and defenceless swooped down next to him and gave him a hug. Baby!Loki just gurgled at this started to chew his hair, for the first time in countless years happy to be held by his sort of brother. Unfortunately he yanked hard on Thor’s hair causing him to startle and drop him. (This is why it is a bad idea to pick up a baby you find in the middle of the street when you have no clue how to hold them)
Luckily Captain America had come over to see what the hell had just happened, and caught the falling baby with his super reflexes, preventing brain damage. (And by caught I mean he grabbed his foot as he fell and there was an upside down baby. And by preventing brain damage I mean that his head didn't make a crunching sound, and when some medical personnel got around to giving Baby!Loki an MRI they didn't find anything indicating brain damage (though they did find an extra 3 hemispheres, a snow globe, the higgs boson and Carmen Sandiego)) This goes to show that trying to apply sensible science to Loki is a lost cause.
Steve stared at the baby that he was holding and promptly passed it onto the nearest person he thought would actually be able to handle a baby. Unfortunately, due to some miss placed attitudes and lack of common sense or observational skills, he tried to give it to Natasha. She reacted in the way she had been trained to (She hadn't been trained to deal specifically with a baby!Loki but Natasha was flexible and quickly adapted her training with poisonous animals, bombs and explosive soufflés to deal). Baby!Loki proceeded to go flying in the air. This delighted him, if the gurgles were anything to go by.
Luckily he went flying towards Tony who had been hovering above the group. Unluckily Tony's reaction to babies coming towards him was to run away really fast and call a lawyer. Luckily Baby!Loki had a rudimentary grasp on gravity and that the ground was hard (this was due partly to his early interest in physics and how to break it and partly due to Thor liking to throw stuff(including baby!Loki)) so he floated softly down and gently landed on the ground.
After bandaging Steve's wounds and resetting his arm the group approached the baby and tried to come up with a solution for moving it. Baby!Loki appeared to be quite content to lie on the ground and chew on a piece of rubble. The general consensus was that a bomb squad should be called. Before it came to that, the lawyer Tony called showed up and fortunately she turned out to be qualified to move the baby, she had 3 nieces’ two nephews and siblings who thought that family meant free babysitting.
After getting baby!Loki back to the mansion with no more major problems (there were several minor ones when some old ladies cooed over the 'cute little dear' Loki didn't mind but Thor freaked out thinking they were trying to kidnap him. In order to stop them from reporting Thor to the police Captain America had to pose for several photos with them to go on their Facebook). They were stumped with what to do with him. Tony's lawyer made a makeshift crib but after that she went on her lunch break leaving the four Avengers alone with one of their greatest foes.
Loki smiled and rolled over for a nap.
Tony used every single measuring and monitoring device he could find on the evil magic baby, all of which came to the same conclusion. That baby!Loki was having a nap (you might wonder why a tape measure and Geiger counter even has a reading for a Loki!nap but that is because Tony Stark is prepared for anything).
Unsure what else to do they left Thor standing guard (who he was protecting was uncertain) and retreated to the kitchen. After a short conversation, which mainly involved insulting various deities, Tony had a brilliant idea. He managed to combine Steve's earlier mistake with his earlier mistake. He called Pepper. She listened attentively for 10 minutes before declaring that she was unfortunately unavailable as she had spontaneously decided to take some of her unused vacation time and go to the other side of the world, she would be back in a week or when Loki turned back, whichever came later.
It was at this point that Nick Fury came bursting through the front door (it has be scientifically proven that Fury is incapable of just going through a door, there needs to be an exciting adjective describing his motions). He stopped and stared at the sight which greeted him. Baby!Loki had woken up and was playing peekaboo with Thor (by that I mean that Loki was turning invisible and Thor kept freaking out).
After a bizarre and convoluted explanation (“I don’t remember there being any rapid bears or lingerie models in the fight, Tony”. “Well you just weren’t looking Steve”). Fury hit everyone on the back of the head and demanded to know where their two missing team mates where. The last time anyone had seen Clint had been just after baby!Loki had appeared, Steve recalled hearing him swear in every language that has ever existed and then either disappearing or running away so fast that it seemed like he disappeared. The general consensus was that he was currently somewhere that no one would ever find him (this was a lie. Nick Fury can always find you). The Hulk had taken one look at baby!Loki, Hulked out even more and bounced off in the other direction.
Fury demanded that they take baby!Loki to the shield headquarters so that they could examine him and determine if he was still evil and trying to take over the world. Baby!Loki smiled and rolled over. The Avengers refused, as they really didn’t want to move him.
Fury wished that he had recruited people with some life skills to his exclusive fighting club, picked up baby!Loki and marched out the door. Thor followed him out. The rest of the Avengers exchanged fist bumps and collapsed on the couch.
After several hours of testing it was determined that Loki was indeed a baby and that he ranked an ‘awwww, can I hold him’ on the cuteness scale (this is above a ‘isn’t he cute’ but below ‘you’re a baby!’ (Incoherence and obvious observations are a warning sign of imminent cuteness overload)). It was also determined that due to his vital signs he was both dead and actually a 10 foot shark. After the doctors diagnosed baby!Loki with a benzene deficiency Fury decided to take him away.
Fury strapped Baby!Loki into a carrier on his chest to help to make him easier to carry (he would have left him with someone else but everyone had either fled in terror or tried to kidnap him as he was so cute. And there was the one person who had tried to do both) and proceeded on with his day. His current task was trying to creatively explain to the politicians who funded shield why they spent $200,000 on phone bills last month (it was an interesting explanation involving time travel, inter dimensional zombies and a puffer fish). He eventually decided to use his usual explanation (we used the money. Got a problem, talk to our financial manager. (Shield’s financial manager was a mysterious man/woman who few people had seen. Fury only saw them when they dropped through the vents with the monthly report (the man/woman confusion was because they were always dressed in a full ninja outfit and only communicated in perfectly written haiku’s that were intricately folded into origami shapes). People who complained to the financial manager tended to disappear and turn up on Macquarie Island with a crippling fear of paper cuts and starfish.))
Baby!Loki happily looked around the office and gurgled to himself happily.
