Work Text:
Happy birthday, buddy.
Don’t bother coming to the training session, I told Fury how violently ill you were and he said don’t worry about it.
- TS
What? I feel fine.
- BB
Exactly. Enjoy your day off.
- TS
...Thanks, Tony.
Wait, is Cap in on this?
- BB
Yeah, he left you some pancakes in the kitchen. See you at the party tonight.
- TS
- - -
Hey Bruce, you still up?
- TS
Yeah, is something wrong?
- BB
I’m worried about Cap. He woke up from a dream, said something weird, and fell back to sleep.
I think he might be having one of those PTSD nightmares. Should I wake him up?
- TS
Don’t touch him if he’s having a nightmare.
What did he say?
- BB
He looked at me and said “Why didn’t you give my pineapple cake back?”
Bruce?
- TS
He’s fine, Tony.
Go back to sleep.
- BB
- - -
Oh jesus christ, how drunk was I last night?
- TS
Not as drunk as Clint.
- BB
Where is Clint? I don’t see him on the roof.
- TS
He’s here sleeping it off.
- BB
Oh. Wait, here as in
CALLED. IT.
- TS
Tony!
- BB
NATASHA OWES ME FIFTY BUCKS.
- TS
How old are you?!
- BB
- - -
Hey Bruce, did you finish those tests I asked you to run?
- TS
No, sorry. I actually just got up.
- BB
It’s fine. Not surprised you need some rest after last night’s “activities.”
- TS
Oh my god, you HEARD us?
- BB
Well, I heard you.
- TS
Oh fuck you.
- BB
Hey, that wasn’t a slight against your skills.
SHIELD agents are always silent, even in the boudoir. I should know.
- TS
…
Tony. You didn’t, did you?
- BB
Did I...?
Oh, NO. No no no. Not Clint. Trust me, I would have told you.
Bros before hos.
- TS
...Thanks?
Okay, who then?
- BB
The Galaga guy.
- TS
Wow.
- BB
I was having conflicting feelings about a certain supersoldier okay
Don’t judge me.
- TS
- - -
I’m still confused about what happened last night.
- BB
Well, me and Clint get competitive when we’re drunk.
It seemed like a good way to settle an argument.
- TS
No, I understood the strip poker.
I’m just wondering why you were both crying hysterically when I found you.
- BB
- - -
Tony, it’s dinnertime.
Tony?
Tony, I know you always check your phone.
I don’t think Cap will be happy about you missing another meal.
Tony, come on. Even I’m up here.
You can’t stay in the workshop forever.
Tony, seriously. Come on!
Clint made his spaghetti.
- BB
Up in a sec.
- TS
- - -
We should go on a double date.
- TS
I’m flattered, but you’re not my type.
- BB
What, and sarcastic archers are?
You know what I meant.
- TS
Hey, you left yourself open for that one.
Why do you want to go on a double date?
- BB
Steve thinks it’s a good “team cohesiveness exercise.”
Thor’s bringing Jane, so it’ll be more like a triple date.
Apparently Nat’s bringing someone too, so it’ll be a quad.
- TS
Could be fun. I’d love to talk shop with Jane.
I just hope Pepper doesn’t feel left out with all of us Avenger-types.
- BB
Why would Pepper be there?
- TS
...Whoops. Thought you knew.
- BB
…
OMG
- TS
After I’m dead, could you get them to put “Killed by Pepper-smash” on my headstone?
- BB
Can’t talk, driving
- TS
- - -
Hey Bruce, one of your experiments is making noises. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that.
- TS
No, it is. Get concerned if it starts glowing.
What are you doing in the lab? It’s 3am.
- BB
Hiding. Steve’s mad at me.
- TS
What did you do this time?
- BB
I was teaching him how to text, and as a joke I told him LOL stands for “lots of luck.”
Which was kind of funny until he told Coulson “Hope you’re recovering okay, LOL.”
- TS
Oh my god
I’m mad at you by proxy.
- BB
Hey, don’t get like that. I’m risking my life enough as it is.
- TS
- - -
Hey, how are you feeling?
- TS
Like I laid down in the street and got hit by a truck.
And then another truck.
And then a nearby train happened to derail and run over me as well.
- BB
Yikes. So I take it spending more than 24 hours as the other guy is too much for you?
Also, did you get the blueberries I sent you?
- TS
Definitely. And yes, thank you.
They released me from medical, couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me.
I guess I just have a big green hangover.
- BB
Heh, that’s funny.
- TS
Glad you think so. The first day I was doped up on pain meds or something, and the nurse got sick of my science jokes pretty fast.
- BB
Oh yeah? Which ones did you tell?
- TS
One was, how many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
- BB
Hah! That’s a good one!
- TS
I know, right?
- BB
- - -
You. Me. Afternoon at the Natural History Museum. Meet me in the garage.
- TS
Can’t, I have a ton of work to do today.
- BB
Namor’s here visiting Steve and will be for the rest of the day.
- TS
Start the car.
- BB
- - -
Tony, why are there action figures of us on the coffee table?
- BB
Don’t move them, it’s a Nativity scene.
Christmas spirit and all that.
- TS
Oh, well the arrangement makes more sense.
...Why is Cap the baby Jesus?
- BB
Because it’s accurate.
I made you, me, and Clint the three wisemen, thought you’d like that.
Clint’s a wiseass, so it works.
- TS
Well since it’s actually the Hulk, that kind of screws your attempt at accuracy.
You know Tony, I’m really going to miss these conversations.
- BB
Miss them? Are you leaving or something?
- TS
No, we just won’t be able to have them once Natasha kills you in your sleep.
Unless you come back as a ghost, which I wouldn’t put past you.
- BB
She’s not going to kill me in my sleep.
Is she?
- TS
I don’t think she’ll take the Virgin Mary thing as a compliment, to say the least.
- BB
- - -
I’m boooored.
- TS
Aren’t you in a board meeting right now?
- BB
Yes, exactly.
I need a distraction from these ancient ruins droning on and on.
Let’s play animal alphabet.
- TS
Are you drunk?
- BB
Nope, except for the weird cold medicine Steve made me take.
I’ll start. Armadillo.
You’re just afraid I’ll win.
- TS
Bat.
How can you win this game?
- BB
Cheetah.
By not losing.
- TS
* Several texts later*
Xerus
- BB
I call BS on that one.
Cheater!
- TS
No I’m not!
It’s an African ground squirrel!
- BB
Wtf is a ground squirrel? Squirrels live in trees!
- TS
Oh my god, google it if you don’t believe me!
- BB
I’m not googling anything because I’m not a cheater!
- TS
You’re just stalling because you can’t think of anything!
- BB
Can too!
YAK.
So there!
- TS
Zebra.
There, stalemate.
Or something.
- BB
Hmph. I’m going back to my meeting.
Um, oops.
- TS
What?
- BB
I think the meeting ended. No one’s in here.
- TS
Oh wow.
Oh damn, my experiment. So much for that one.
This got a little intense.
- BB
Yeah.
I’m afraid to leave. Pepper’s probably waiting to kill me.
And I don’t have any other meetings today. Soooo
Go again?
- TS
You’re on.
- BB
- - -
No more sex in the lab.
- BB
Oh come on, you did it too!
- TS
I waited till you were in New Zealand.
Couldn’t you have put a sock on the door, or something?
- BB
Bruce, we’re both adults here.
Was seeing me and Steve naked really that traumatizing?
- TS
No, it’s just that Cap keeps avoiding me now.
Also, it’s really hard to take someone seriously after you’ve seen them doing the horizontal mambo.
You’re an exception, b/c I’ve seen you naked plenty of times. I’m desensitized.
- BB
Um, when was “plenty of times”?
- TS
Do you remember the day after we first fought the Doombots, your last birthday, or Labor Day weekend?
- BB
No?
- TS
I rest my case.
- BB
Man, having Steve around makes my life a lot easier to remember.
My little red, white, and blue mnemonic.
- TS
More like red, white, and blue AA meeting.
- BB
Shut up, I’m dating Captain America
- TS
- - -
Bitch please, I’m Tony Stark.
- TS
I didn’t say anything?
- BB
I know. I just like saying that sometimes.
- TS
- - -
.____________________.
Whale.
- TS
.______.
Baby whale.
- BB
Aw, you get me like nobody else.
- TS
FIN