Archive of Our Own

“Are you going to Harry Greene’s party on Saturday?”

Charlie lifted his eyes from the notebook in front of him and Nick gulped at the bright blue eyes shining back at him. In all honesty, Charlie could be eternally angry with him and Nick would still want to spend every second of every day with him. And frankly, that scared him more than a lot of other things in life ever did.

There was just something horrifying about the fact that Nick Nelson found Charlie Spring to be more captivating than anything else in the world. Maybe because he didn’t even realize that thought had been in his head for as long as it has until only recently. Or maybe simply because the flutter of his heart every time Charlie looked at him made him question whether or not their friendship was truly only platonic.

But you could probably tell that from simply browsing through Nick’s search history.

Awkwardly smiling, Charlie put his pen down to focus on Nick. “Well…” He lifted his eyebrows a little bit, clearly feeling weirded out or just a little uncomfortable. “I was invited, but I… I don’t know. There’ll be, like, two hundred people there, right?”

Nick sent him his wide eyes, hoping Charlie would cave in to his adorableness. His Mum always said he was adorable, at least, when he looked like that. She could have been lying. Maybe he looked absolutely ridiculous. He could have been repulsive for all he knew. “PLEASE COME. All my other friends are assholes and I don’t wanna have to spend an entire evening with them.”

The smile that spread across Charlie’s face at that was nervous, as if he wasn’t sure about what he could and couldn’t say. Frankly, Nick couldn’t care less so long as he said yes. He really didn’t want to be at Harry’s birthday party all alone or surrounded by his rugby friends. “Sounds like you need new friends.”

Charlie’s joking tone was weak, as if he wasn’t sure it was okay. That he was allowed to mock Nick’s friends when all Nick ever did was talk about them as if they were a bunch of idiots. Because some of them really were, honestly. They just followed Harry without feeling any regret at his behavior towards others. How could they? How could Nick live with that for so long without realizing how wrong they’ve all been? It literally took having new forms for Nick to meet Charlie and realize the ‘pathetic gay boy’ wasn’t anything like the rumors made him out to be. He was nice and friendly with a bright smile and a sharp mind that could take on anyone any day.

“Well… I have you now, so…” Nick looked away from Charlie at that, certain he would lose it if he locked eyes with the other boy. But he could still feel Charlie’s stare trained on him. He was just watching him, clearly speechless. They’ve been friends for a while now – was this sentence really THAT weird for them? They’ve hugged for almost a minute, for God’s sake! Nick could say whatever he wanted without having to feel weird. In theory. In reality, he felt weird around Charlie all the time.

A good, warm, tingly sort of weird. He really liked it.

“So will you come?”

Charlie exhaled and let his shoulders slump a little. “S-sorry. I just really don’t think I can handle being around all of those people. And… Harry’s not really the kind of person who I like to spend time around. I’d rather just sail across the world to be as far away from him as possible, to be honest.” He winced. “Sorry. I know he’s your friend.”

Well, that was a bummer. But Nick couldn’t really blame Charlie for his decision. Harry was really one of the worst bullies the younger teen’s ever had and he had to put up with his crap for long enough during school. Was Charlie not allowed to want to spend his free time away from him? It’s just that… Nick would have wanted to spend some time away from Harry too. Preferably, with Charlie.

But it was Harry’s birthday and Nick couldn’t just not show up seeing as it was a big deal around his group of friends. Although Nick himself found that he couldn’t care less about Harry’s birthday. Why should he, really, when the guy was such an annoying person, always making fun of people for the sake of it. He liked drinking up people’s discomfort and anxiety, like some sick idiot. Which he probably was, come to think of it.

Still… his birthday.

“It’s alright.” Nick smiled at Charlie. “I get it.”

The tension in Charlie dissipated, leaving him smiling brightly again. “At least Tao won’t kill me for missing another one of our movie nights.” He rubbed at his neck sheepishly and hummed for a moment. “He’s been getting really edgy with me missing so many of them.”

Missing movie nights? Why would Charlie be missing them – oh. Because they usually had them every other Friday and Charlie’s been spending a lot of time with Nick recently. The teen didn’t know how to take that information in. Was Charlie hanging out with him because Nick always asked and he didn’t want to say no to him or was he really, genuinely enjoying himself during their meet-ups? He had no idea and he didn’t really want to ask Charlie about it, fearing the answer would be a disappointment.

It wasn’t like Nick second guessed their friendship – he could tell Charlie was really having fun being his friend. He might have joined the rugby team only to please Nick, but it wasn’t like he didn’t have a good time during training. He took some time, but he managed to warm his way into the team. Sai, Christian and Otis told him more than once that Charlie was really cool and chill and that he was a good addition to the team.

But it was moments like this when Nick would think about their time together again and see all the times Charlie gave up his convenience to make Nick happy. Those moments made him feel a little bad about himself. Like, how could he expect Charlie to always do whatever it was he wanted without doing the same himself? Charlie deserved so much more than just Nick’s lacking friendship.

Then again, why would Charlie be sacrificing so much for Nick if they were just friends? He just said himself that he’s been missing plenty of movie nights with his other friends to be with Nick, so what made Nick different? Maybe it was because Charlie and Nick were still only a couple of months into their friendship. Or maybe it was something more than just friendship the two of them wanted, and –

He had to cut off this line of thinking. Charlie might have been gay but it wasn’t like he would just fall in love with every single boy around him. That was basically homophobic to even think about. Charlie would fall in love with someone he actually liked, like any other boy might fall in love with a nice, pretty girl. It wasn’t any different. The only thing that made Charlie unlike the rest of Nick’s friends was that he would find a boy and not a girl.

Was Nick nice and pretty? He knew Charlie tended to stare at him from time to time when he thought no one was around to notice. And he was talking with Tao every once in a while during practice in hushed voices, glancing every now and then towards Nick. They were hanging out a lot, maybe too often, and Charlie would usually distance himself from Nick after getting too close, as if afraid Nick might think something was going on, probably. Like he did the first time Nick came over to his house in order to help Nick play the drums a bit better.

He did hug Nick back afterwards, though.

Nick smiled. “Well, we don’t want to upset Tao now, do we?” And he got back to the notebook in front of him after noticing Charlie’s dopey grin, his dimples clear on his face.

“Haha… well, if you change your mind and don’t want to go to Harry’s party you can always join our movie night?” Charlie’s tone almost sounded more like a question than a suggestion or an invitation, but Nick didn’t mind it. He just raised his eyebrowed at Charlie.

“Don’t you think it’d be weird? Your friends and I haven’t really met before.”

Charlie pursed his lips. “You’re my friend too! Besides, Elle and Aled would welcome you with open arms because they’re just nice like that and Tao… he might be a bit grumpy about it since he doesn’t really have the best opinion about you, but it’s going to be over at my house so he can just protest about it for a short while before coming back around.” He was beaming at Nick now. “That’s just what Tao’s like.”

That sounded… frightening. But Nick found himself actually wanting to come to Charlie’s movie night rather than spend his evening at Harry’s huge party. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, the wood creaking underneath him. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Nick looked around the room and felt strangely isolated from the rest of the hopping teenagers. They were all having fun, enjoying the roaring music and bright lights but for Nick it was too much. It wasn’t his first time at a party. Harry always liked them and so the entire group always went for them whenever there was one available for them.

But things have changed since he’s last been to a party of Harry’s. For one, he wasn’t surrounded by his friends. Or… the group of people his age he used to call friends but were probably nothing more than classmates and teammates who didn’t know him. It was a new way of looking at things and despite the ache in his guts telling him he was upset with the conclusions of his internal struggle, he knew this information was important and would probably affect him deeply from now on.

Another thing that’s changed – Nick didn’t find anything pleasing about the music or the lights or the people who bumped into him every moment with no apology directed his way. He noticed Harry and his pals standing not too far from him, laughing from something that was probably not even that funny in the first place.

He was about to turn around and walk away from them when Harry’s eyes landed on him and his entire body tensed as the teen approached him with his entire clan of jocks trailing behind. Nick fought off a flinch when Harry’s hand landed on his shoulder, hugging him in a way that felt so WRONG after getting a hug from Charlie Spring.

“Nicholas! Just the person I’ve been looking for. Mate, I’ve got some important news.” He announced loudly, the entire group of teenagers behind him looking at Nick with crooked grins, as if they weren’t sure themselves what he’s going to do about those “big news”.

Nick just sighed. “What’s up, Harry?”

The bright smile on Harry’s face was almost genuine, to be honest. Which Nick had no idea what to think about. Was those good news or bad ones? Was a genuine Harry better than a teasing, bantering one? “TARA JONES IS HERE.”

Bad. A genuine Harry was very bad. Worse than bad, probably.

“Remember her? The girl you had a crush on all through Year 7 and 8? The one you KISSED at the Year 8 Higgs-Truham disco?” Harry beamed. “Well, now’s your second chance!”

“That was YEARS ago!” Nick protested, trying to get out of Harry’s grasp but the teen held onto him, leading him towards the corner of the room where a visible figure was standing, her dark, curly hair looking slightly familiar. God, Nick was NOT ready for anything like this. Where was Charlie when he needed him?? “I haven’t even spoken to her since then!!”

Obviously, Harry just ignored him and kept on practically dragging him towards Tara Jones. “COME ON, she’s just down here!” Then he turned to wink at Nick, his devilish smile back on. “Plus, she’s really hot now. Hey girls!”

Nick watched as a group of three girls turned to look at them and he immediately zeroed in on Tara. She clearly grew up. Her hair was short and loose, no longer held in two matching braids. The necklace she used to wear everywhere years ago was no longer around her neck but instead she had two large earrings that suited her just as much.

The expression on her face upon recognizing Harry wasn’t a very pleased one.

“Tara! I’ve got someone who wants to see you. You remember Nick Nelson, right?” Harry shoved him forward until Nick was standing right in front of Tara. She was shorter than him so he had to look down to meet her eyes. More so than he usually did to look into Charlie’s eyes. Charlie. Charlie, who was the one who made his heart race this time around and not the presence of this beautiful girl standing right in front of him.

Tara put on a smile and looked mostly uncomfortable. “Er… yeah… hi.”

“Hi.” He saw the Harry and his group backing up to give the two of them some space, which was actually great. “Anyway, sorry about this… Harry sort of dragged me over here.”

“It’s fine, I know what he’s like!” She looked a little less awkward at his words, her smile growing a bit. “And I think he must be one of the only people who doesn’t know I’m gay.”

Now THAT caught Nick’s attention. He blinked at the girl standing in front of him, still able to picture the way she looked at him during that party back when they were both thirteen. He remembered that awkward kiss that made him mostly giddy simply because he finally knew what a first kiss was like. They weren’t that great, by the way. Maybe second kisses were better?

Maybe kisses from Charlie could be better?

He had to shake his head in order to get THAT thought out of his head. Charlie wasn’t around and he missed him but he couldn’t start going around, thinking about kissing Charlie. Who knows, maybe Charlie doesn’t even like him back? What are the chances that he does?

Luckily, the one who actually snapped him out of his was Tara who pointed her finger at him, her face finally relaxed with an amused smile stretching her lips. “Haha, you didn’t know either?” She moved her finger to the side, pointing at the two girls she was talking to earlier. Specifically the one with the blonde hair. Although Nick could tell it was dyed, the brown roots showing. “That’s my girlfriend over there.”

She had a girlfriend. God, was Nick actually talking to his first kiss who was a lesbian while he was in love with a boy although he was pretty sure he was straight until about a month ago. What has his life become?!

“So…” Tara smirked. “I heard you’ve been hanging out with Charlie Spring a lot recently…” Her voice was clearly suggesting something and he didn’t want to put two and two together. Although the implication was as clear as day. Charlie Spring wasn’t only famous amongst Truham students. The girls over at Higgs knew of the gay kid too, obviously. But, unlike anyone else, Tara’s question didn’t make Nick’s crawl with the need to protect Charlie since she just told him she was gay. So that meant… she was probably thinking of Charlie as another one from her community. “Is that… I mean… are you just friends, or…?”

And just like that, the implication became an actual question, floating in the air between them. Nick fidgeted in his place, suddenly feeling slightly out of breath, and yet maybe just little bit like he actually wanted to share this information with Tara. Maybe because she seemed like an actual nice person, unlike his friends. Or maybe because she was dating a girl and would probably not judge him.

“Er… well…”

The expression on Tara’s face softened at his hesitation and she smiled kindly up at him, her brows lowered in a way that suggested she felt his own pain and could relate to it easily. “You can always talk to me about it if you need to…”

And Nick knew she was being sincere and honest. He could talk to her about it and she would understand and hear him out without being judgmental. But… she wasn’t Charlie. And if anyone deserved to be the first one to hear about his sexuality crisis it was Charlie, loud and clear. It wasn’t even a question. Nick knew that for sure.

Suddenly the party was too crowded for his taste and yet just as empty at the same time because it lacked one person – Charlie Spring. He frowned and looked sideways, as if the boy would magically appear there all of a sudden because Nick wanted him to. Obviously, he didn’t.

“Thanks Tara.” He mumbled her way before turning to walk away. He had to talk to Charlie. Suddenly the questions and doubts were too loud in his mind, begging to be said out loud. Begging for Charlie’s voice to soothe them down and quiet them down.

He didn’t get far before Harry caught up to him. “Where are you going? Tara’s right there.” He pointed towards the girl who was already accompanied by her GIRLFRIEND.

Nick shrugged. “Charlie’s house.”

Harry scoffed. “Why? Why do you even hang out with him?”

“We’re friends.”

“But WHY?” Nick didn’t have the time to answer before Harry huffed and looked at his little gang, as if asking for their support here. “D’you just feel sorry for him because he’s gay?” The laughter following that comment made Nick to clench his hands. He narrowed his eyes at Harry but the boy was already talking once again. “No wait, d’you think he FANCIES you?! Oh my God, how SAD.”

There was something dark flashing over Tara’s and her girlfriend’s faces and Nick knew it was evident on his own face as well. The others, though – the people he once considered his friends – laughed along with Harry as if it was all natural and normal.

That was it. “You know what, Harry? You’re a pathetic, homophobic, self-obsessed JERK and I really dislike you.” The look on Harry’s face was worth over a billion diamonds. Nick wanted to savor it forever if he could. He considered just taking a picture but knew that would just be stupid. Besides, he really only wanted to leave and get to Charlie as fast as possible. So he turned around and walked away. “Happy birthday.” He added over his shoulder.

Watching the distancing Nick Nelson with a smile on her face, Tara felt like she knew him a little better now despite not learning much. He didn’t tell her anything new about himself, not really. His expressions and reactions, though. They spoke volumes.

Next to her, Darcy leaned in, the tips of her hair tickling Tara’s neck. “I actually love him.” She whispered and Tara couldn’t disagree with that statement. Even back when they were thirteen Nick was different. He was so… kind and nice and loyal. He never mocked others like Harry did. He followed the guy like a puppy and the rest of their friends, but he never adopted the nasty habits of Harry Greene and that was amazing.

“Yeah… and I have a feeling we’re going to hear from him pretty soon. Have you heard of Charlie Spring?”

Darcy smirked. “The gay boy the year below us? Of course I have!” She scoffed. “I know about everything gay-related, thank you very much.”

Tara rolled her eyes and held Darcy’s hand, squeezing it tightly and smiling again at Nick’s retreating form. She hoped things would go well for him. “I think he’s not going to stay single for long.”

Eyes widening with excitement, Darcy hopped in place, her hand still held between Tara’s fingers. “Oh my God, I smell ROMANCE!” She turned to Tara, suddenly serious. “But just remember that I get to be the maid of honor in their wedding.” Then she smiled brightly and dragged Tara towards the dance floor. “Let’s go dance!”

The ride to Charlie’s house seemed like forever. At least to Nick who couldn’t stop bouncing his leg up and down, ignoring the music his Mum put in the radio although it was kind of relaxing. Maybe she chose these songs to try and soothe him, even though he didn’t explain anything to her.

He called her the moment he was out of the hotel where the party was, asking if she could drive him over to Charlie’s place. She sounded confused over the phone but didn’t mind giving him a lift there and despite the looks she sent his way, she didn’t ask him anything about what was going on in his head, which he was more than a little thankful for. Honestly, he had no idea what the chaos in his brain was any more than she had.

Checking his phone every few seconds, Nick found a text from Charlie. He wrote it before the party, wishing Nick a good time there. Yeah, good time wasn’t exactly what he would call this. Maybe… inspiring? Intriguing? Enlightening? After all, he did snap at Harry after realizing he’s been setting him up with a girl he didn’t even want to date who was actually a lesbian and went out with her own girlfriend. That was some wild ride, but not exactly good.

And now his mind was a mess of blinking thoughts, driving him crazy. He had no idea what he was or how to figure it out. He had no idea what to do now, but one repeating thought drove him towards Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie would know what to do, and even if he wouldn’t, at least Nick could trust him with this kind of secret. Not only because he was gay but also because Charlie was currently Nick’s best friend.

Best friend.

Dread filled Nick’s heart all of a sudden, replacing his determination, because how could he go up to Charlie and try and see what was the thing bugging him for so long and not think about what might happen in case Charlie wants nothing to do with Nick THAT way. Because him being gay didn’t mean he liked Nick in particular. What if Charlie just stopped being his friend because of that? Nick couldn’t bare to lose his best friend for something as fragile as… whatever it was swirling in his gut.

He opened his mouth to tell his Mum to turn back around and just drive home, but then changed his mind once again. Charlie was his friend. He was kind and warm and he would never just shut Nick out for… falling in love with him. Even if he didn’t reciprocate Nick’s feelings, Charlie wouldn’t just stop hanging out with him. Maybe he would distance himself a tiny bit, but that’s it, right?

Before he could even understand what was going on, Nick got out of the car outside Charlie’s house, thanked his mother, went up to the house’s front door and rang the doorbell once, his hand feeling numb. If Charlie’s parents would open the door Nick would apologize for intruding and ask to see Charlie to retrieve one of his sweaters or something. Charlie had too many of his, anyway. If Tori would open the door Nick would simply try not to be too obvious to her observant eyes. If Olly opened the door he would just joke around for a bit and play with the sweet child before excusing himself and going up to Charlie’s room.

And if Charlie would open the door… Nick gulped and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans even though it didn’t do much. He pursed his lips and imagined Charlie’s surprised look at seeing Nick at his house, unannounced. Would he be upset? Joyful? Confused? Yeah, probably confused. But he would probably let Nick enter the house and offer to go up to his room and then… then Nick would just confess, right? How hard could it be to tell someone you’ve been hanging out with for such a long time now that you might feel more than just platonic friendship towards them? Especially someone who’s currently your only friend.

Piece of cake!

So, seeing as Nick was ready for every possible outcome, he found himself relaxing just a bit at the sound of footsteps getting closer to him. It wasn’t Olly, obviously, because the sound was too loud. And he could probably cross Tori off the list because she was always so sneaky and quiet when approaching people. Not her either, then. So Charlie’s parents or the boy himself, then. Right?

Wrong.

Nick was so taken aback at seeing Tao Xu standing at the door, his eyes wide for a moment before narrowing in obvious dislike that he found himself unable to utter a single word. Why was Tao here?! Obviously, he was Charlie’s friend, but… but today out of all days Nick really wanted him to still be home and do whatever it was he liked to do in his spare time. It wasn’t like he didn’t like Tao – the boy was always around, ready to protect Charlie from his bullies, which was amazing! – but according to Charlie, he didn’t like him all that much for some reason.

The first to recover, obviously, was Tao. The tall teen crossed his arms over his chest and was visibly trying to look threatening while blocking the way into the house, although the last attempt was kind of a failure, unsurprisingly, seeing as Tao was too thin and lean to be able to block anything with his body. But Nick knew better than to try and piss off Charlie’s best friend. Was he really Charlie’s best friend? Or was Nick? He had no idea, but it didn’t matter. Tao knew Charlie for longer and he was actually by his side when Charlie’s life went to hell last year. Nick couldn’t just be rude to Tao, no matter how inconvenient his presence turned out to be.

“What are you doing here, Nicholas Nelson?” He asked, his voice sounding mostly suspicious and cautious, like Nick would just jump and bite him for some reason.

Shuffling awkwardly, Nick tubbed the back of his neck with his right hand, not sure what to tell the boy. “Umm… I just needed to talk to Charlie, and – “ Tao’s brows furrowed and he looked over his shoulder, in the direction of the living room. For the first time since arriving Nick actually heard voices from somewhere close by. It didn’t belong to anyone he knew and it sounded a bit static. Which meant… “Oh, it’s movie night! I completely forgot!” How could he forget such an important thing?? Charlie even invited him over to join them!

Tao tilted his head to the side. “Yeah… how did you know about that?” At Nick’s pointed look Tao groaned. “Ugh, of course Charlie told you. Whatever – what are you doing here? What do you need to talk to Charlie about??”

From the living room Charlie’s voice came, asking who was at the door, but Tao ignored him in favor of glaring at Nick. Apparently that was more important than replying to his friend.

When Nick kept quiet Tao huffed. “Whatever it is you have to say, you could have texted him. But since you’re here let me just tell you this,” He stepped closer to Nick, his hand pointing at the older boy’s chest as if he was going to poke him, hard. “If you ever try something or decide you’ve had enough of Charlie and just leave him – if you someday reveal yourself as just another jock who wanted to have a laugh about the pathetic, naïve gay boy, then you’re going to have to deal with me and I promise you I’m going to make your life a living hell. Got it, rugby lad?”

Gulping, Nick took a step back. Tao in himself wasn’t someone people would fear, but his words made something inside of Nick ache. Was he going to hurt Charlie? Was he really going to warren the aid of Tao Xu? Was what he came here to do wrong?

But mostly, the reality struck him the hardest. Because his friends would have never done something like this for him. Standing up against someone they considered terrifying only to protect him, their friend? Plus, it hurt him to think Charlie actually needed the extra protection his friends offered. Nick never needed his friends to stand up for him. But Charlie’s been through hell last year and Tao was probably one of the only people who stood by his side and comforted him when things went downhill.

He shook his head and looked away from Tao’s face for a moment before locking eyes with the tall teen again. “You’re a really good friend.”

Without missing a beat, Tao replied. “I know.” Then he just kept on eyeing Nick for another minute. The boy was just about to leave, deciding maybe coming over like that when Charlie’s friends were inside wasn’t such a good idea, but then footsteps got closer to them and the next moment Nick looked up he saw Charlie exiting the living room, a blanket draped over his shoulders and a wide grin on his face.

“Tao, what’s going on. Who – “ He cut himself off at the sight of Nick and suddenly his cheeks were blaring. Nick wanted to ask him about it because friends didn’t just blush randomly at the sight of each other, right? But Tao was still facing him, as intimidating as possible, and the words kind of got lost somewhere on their way out. “Nick. Hi.” Awkwardly, Charlie lifted his left arm to wave at him. Then he looked at Tao with something close to annoyance or terror. “Tao, Elle’s been eating all of the popcorn without you. Besides, you chose the movie! Go and watch it already.”

As if by magic, Tao’s face turned from suspicion and intimidation to horror. He turned around, momentarily forgetting about Nick, and entered the living room again, his complaints to Elle audible from the entrance to the house. Charlie stayed there, though, and stepped closer to the door, his dimples showing as his smile grew.

“Hi.” Nick finally remembered to reply and Charlie chuckled.

He pointed towards the living room and pursed his lips. “I’m sorry if he said anything rude to you. That’s just the way he is.” He grimaced and then looked around, as if expecting something. “Wait, what are you doing here? Didn’t you go to Harry’s party?”

Nick let his shoulders relax. It was just Charlie. Charlie talking to him while wearing his pajama and draped by a blanket. Charlie looking at him with those bright eyes that made Nick feel like they were all alone in there and not with Charlie’s friends in the other room.

So, feeling a little more comfortable, he nodded. “I was there but I didn’t really want to be there. And then I talked to Tara Jones and,” He noticed the way Charlie’s smile wavered at the mention of the name and remembered the way the same expression crossed his face at the mention of her in the changing room before practice. His heart beat faster – what if Charlie did like him and he thought those rumors were true? What if he was jealous? What if… Nick had to snap himself out of this. He couldn’t think this way. He couldn’t fantasize over Charlie liking him like that because then if Charlie wouldn’t feel the same way it would break him even more. “I had this sort of… fight? With Harry.”

“What?!” Charlie gaped at him but Nick just continued.

“And then I just called my Mum and asked if she could maybe drop me here. I…” He forgot about the movie night of Charlie and his friends and just wanted to see Charlie and talk to him. He wanted to figure things out together. He wanted his help. He wanted to be able to tell him the things he was too scared of telling anyone else. “I wanted to see if the invitation to join your movie night is still on.” And he stretched his smile to hide everything else swirling inside his mind.

Charlie snorted and stepped aside in a silent invitation for Nick to come into the house. “Of course! Oh my God, did you really fight with Harry Greene on his birthday? Nick, that’s…” He seemingly couldn’t find the words to describe it because he just gestured wildly with his hands while walking towards the living room with Nick at his tail. “I can’t believe it.” He admitted and then moved a little to let Nick see the people in the living room.

Tao was there, of course, sitting on the floor next to a familiar looking girl who got the popcorn bawl as far away from him as possible while laughing. A blonde, quiet boy sat on the armchair next to the couch, his eyes locking with Nick for a moment. He smiled at Nick kindly, not a hint of apprehension on his face, before looking back at the TV screen.

Charlie pointed at them one by one while speaking, his voice a whisper in Nick’s ear. “That’s Tao – but you’ve already met him. Sorry about that.” He added with a wince. “That’s Aled. He’s really shy but I promise he’s really nice. And that’s – “

A flicker of recognition came over Nick. A fearful and closed face looking blankly up ahead in class. A voice asking for a spare pen right before an exam. Hands tucked rigidly at the side of a body at teachers’ voices calling a certain name. “Hey, isn’t that – ?”

“Her name’s Elle now!” Charlie cut him off quickly and Nick swallowed, feeling dumb. He was going to refer to Charlie’s friend by her birth name and not the name she went by after coming out as trans. Wasn’t this just as bad as Harry and the rest of the rugby team? So he nodded quickly to let his friend know he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Charlie just smiled brightly at him. “She moved to the all-girls school last year after she came out as trans.” He leaned in to whisper even lower. “I think she and Tao like each other, but…” And he didn’t bother finishing the sentence. It was kind of obvious – the two of them just didn’t talk about it.

Nick watched the three teenagers in the room, his eyes wide. They all seemed so peaceful and at home with each other, no matter how Elle kept on getting the popcorn away from Tao who looked like he wanted to laugh most of all. Nick’s friends from the rugby team would never act this way with each other. They were friends… but they didn’t laugh about things without insulting someone that way or another.

It took him a moment to realize Charlie was no longer beside him but sitting on the sofa with his blanket draped over his legs. He was looking up at Nick, his left hand tapping the space next to him and his right one holding up the blanket so that Nick could join him under it. Nick was so thankful for the dark room because he could feel his face burning bright. At least no one could see it now.

“Guys,” Charlie called for his friends and they all turned to look at him, the popcorn bawl momentarily forgotten. “This is Nick.” He looked from Elle to Aled and then stopped at the sight of Tao’s surprised and alarmed face. “He’s staying for movie night.”

Tao opened his mouth to, clearly, object, but Elle cut him to the chase and offered Nick a smile. “Nick Nelson, right? We used to have Geography together?”

Relaxing a little, Nick smiled and nodded. “Yeah, it’s been a while. How’s Higgs?”

She beamed. “It’s great there.” She gave Tao a mischievous look. “Keeps this crazy guy away for a couple of hours a day at least.”

Charlie laughed beside him at Tao’s objections and gave Nick an encouraging smile. He had no idea why Nick really came over but he was still okay with him just showing up like that at his house. Alright, so Nick would have to wait with his talk with Charlie, but at least for now he could enjoy an actually joyful night instead of getting bored in Harry’s party. So he let himself relax at Charlie’s side and just enjoyed the old movie playing, feeling aware and overjoyed every time Charlie’s hand grazed his accidentally.

Near the ending of the movie Charlie leaned in. “I’m glad you came after all.” He whispered, clearly not wanting his friends to hear. And they probably didn’t because they just kept on watching the screen, unbothered.

Nick leaned towards him too, feeling his forehead brush against Charlie’s curls. Charlie didn’t move away. “Me too.”

“Bye!” Nick watched as Charlie waved goodbye to Tao and Elle who smiled at him before walking off to the car pulled up in front of the house, belonging to Elle’s Mum. It’s been almost an hour since Aled left, so now it was only Nick and Charlie in the house. According to Charlie, Tori was in her room and Oliver was fast asleep in his room, although Nick simply couldn’t imagine Charlie’s brother being still for more than a second. Ever.

For a moment Charlie just kept on standing at the door, looking at the car as it got further and further away from the house. But eventually he closed it and turned back around towards Nick, an awkward smile on his face that made Nick’s guts to flutter a little with nerves. Watching a movie together was alright since obviously it wasn’t Nick’s first time watching a movie with Charlie, even if this time they had Charlie’s friends to keep them company. Plus, no matter how anxious Nick was during the movie itself, no one could see it written clearly on his face because the place was dark enough for the group of teenagers to not notice it.

Now, though… now everything was bright and visible and Nick felt so exposed, he wanted to crawl under a chair or something and hide forever. His mind was racing and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. How could he be such a fool as to think he would just be able to come up to Charlie and tell him everything? Sure, Charlie should be the first to know, he has to be, but Nick felt like he’d rather jump off a cliff than try and explain what was going through his mind for a while now. It’s not like this was based off of anything, really. He was mostly just… confused.

Seemingly trying to bury himself in his sweater, Charlie pointed towards the kitchen. “Want a cup of tea?” He offered and Nick simply nodded and followed him towards the other room, their footsteps the only sound around the house. He wondered what Tori was doing and whether Olly was actually still asleep. It was hard to believe Tao and Elle didn’t wake him up with their loud voices before they left. Maybe the kid did wake up but Tori got him back to bed?

Sitting down, Nick watched as Charlie grabbed two mugs and started making the tea, his back turned to Nick. There was something about him… maybe it was the way his movements were jerkier than usual. Or maybe the visible tension in his shoulders. Whatever it was, Nick could see it and it made him aware of how awkward and unprepared he was to deal with it all. How do you even start this kind of conversation with the person you consider your best friend? Was there a guide for maybe-possibly-probably coming out? Was he supposed to just blurt it out? How did Charlie do it?

His heart sank at the thought of Charlie’s secret getting out there to all of the strangers in the school without him getting ready for it. He wasn’t planning on the whole school to find out he was gay, after all. He was just living his life when something happened and the whole thing was exposed. Nick didn’t know Charlie back then but he knew if he were Charlie, he would have wanted to melt down and be one with the floor for eternity. This sort of thing was personal. It was nobody’s business and Charlie didn’t get to make that choice.

But Charlie did tell his friends before all of that. He must have, right? They all knew about him before the rest of the school. At least… Charlie must have told Tao first, right? So that meant he knew at least a little bit about coming out to people. Doesn’t mean he’d be able to help Nick. Or that he’d react positively to the news. Or anything, really. It didn’t guarantee a single damn thing.

Nick was snapped out of his head when Charlie sat opposite to him, offering him a cup of tea he accepted with a shaky thanks and with two wavering hands. Charlie didn’t comment on that. Maybe because his own hands weren’t all that steady, which was strange in and of itself seeing as his hands were usually more than steady enough with them having to be accurate in order to play the drums. Was Charlie… was Charlie nervous too? God, he didn’t even know what was going through Nick’s mind and he was still nervous, wasn’t he? Was it Nick’s fault? Did he make it obvious he was slightly uncomfortable sitting alone with Charlie and with nobody to interrupt them?

“Tao said you came here to talk to me.” Charlie broke the silence, looking down at his steaming mug. Then he lifted his gaze a little and locked it with Nick’s. “You forgot about movie night, didn’t you?”

“Haha… maybe.” Nick rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and then looked down at his hands, trying to think about how to say what he wanted to say. Honestly, he needed to read some kind of guide beforehand, shouldn’t he? Maybe he should have talked to Tara first? But Tara shouldn’t know about all of this before Charlie, that wasn’t fair at all to the younger boy. “How did you realize?”

The words just escaped his mouth without his consent and Nick blinked twice before slamming his mouth shut, his face burning up. He did NOT just ask that. He didn’t. He couldn’t have! That was… that was… he would never ask that question just like that without saying anything else before to make the situation a little more serious or a little more leaning towards the subject of the conversation. He wanted to take the words right back but knew it wasn’t possible. He couldn’t regret it, not really.

Charlie stared at him for a moment, as if waiting for more, but when all Nick did was look down he chuckled awkwardly. “Umm… realize what?” He was clearly trying to make things less awkward, bless him. Nick was only feeling a little bit bad for not really allowing him to lighten the mood. “It might be a shock to you, Nicholas Nelson, but I can’t actually read your mind.” When Nick still didn’t react much Charlie leaned in a little bit. “Nick, are you alright? Is this about what happened at the party with Tara or with Harry?”

Taking in a deep breath, Nick spread out his fingers across the table in front of him, his eyes avoiding Charlie’s. “Sort of. Maybe? Harry just kinda pulled me towards Tara and made us talk since he’s been nagging me about going out with her lately. I guess that was the perfect opportunity to make us talk again for the first time since we were thirteen.” He shrugged helplessly and noticed the way Charlie’s limbs seemed to tense a little at his words. “I guess he didn’t expect Tara to be gay when he planned this whole thing, haha.”

It was so silent, Nick could almost hear Charlie’s heartbeats in the room. His own were pretty loud in his ears and made his entire body shake along with the frantic beats, but Charlie looked like his heart just stopped completely, his breath was held and he stared straight ahead at Nick, his blue eyes not really focused on him, though. He looked like he was deep inside his head, trying to make sense of the situation at hand.

“I’m sorry.” Charlie offered tenderly at last, his voice barely above a whisper. Nick would have missed it had he not been looking right at Charlie’s lips. The sound of his voice jarred him though because he didn’t expect Charlie to apologize. What could he possibly apologize for? This was actually the good part. The part Nick was glad about because he really didn’t want to deal with both finding out what his sexuality was AND Tara Jones. Just Charlie was enough.

“I’ll take it that you didn’t know.”

Charlie almost jumped out of his chair at that. “Of course not. I would have told you before, had I known!” He almost sounded desperate, like Nick had to understand he was telling the truth. Like Charlie wouldn’t be able to live with himself otherwise. It was heartbreaking, honestly.

Nick furrowed his brows for a moment at Charlie’s reply. Why would he care so much about Tara if there was nothing there? Of course, Charlie might have heard the rumors about Nick and Tara from the rest of the rugby team, so maybe he feared Nick wouldn’t understand why his friend didn’t tell him Tara was gay before talking to her. The truth was, though, that Nick couldn’t care less.

“Charlie, you don’t really believe the rumors about Tara and me, do you?” Nick questioned him hesitantly and the boy shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his eyes looking at the wall behind Nick, just not at the teen himself. “We kissed ONCE when we were thirteen. We haven’t even kept in touch since then.”

Gulping, Charlie nodded slowly, as if unsure about how to react to Nick’s words. Honestly, Nick didn’t know what reaction he wanted in the first place. All he knew was that he didn’t want Charlie to think he was into anyone. Anyone but him, at least. Wait, did he really want Charlie to know about whatever it was he felt towards him? Was there even anything there? What if Charlie did like him and Nick ended up hurting him because he was just confused and didn’t know any better? What then?

“What I meant to ask before was…” Clearing his throat, Nick tried to smile nonchalantly. Charlie’s expression let him know he didn’t do a really good job at that. “How did you realize… that you’re gay?”

Jaw falling open, Charlie just gaped at him like a fish out of the water. Nick couldn’t read his mind or thoughts, but it was clear he didn’t expect that question, especially coming from Nick. And it made sense because Nick never really mentioned Charlie’s sexuality before unless it was to protect him from the mean comments of the people around them. For a moment Nick feared Charlie wouldn’t answer and instead ask him why he wanted to know in the first place, but then he slumped a little in his chair and started spinning his cup of tea on the table, careful not to let anything spill off.

“I guess I’ve always been sort of aware of it… even when I was really young… I suppose I didn’t understand it at the time, but…” Charlie’s voice was quiet, cautious. But also sincere and honest. He didn’t just pull something out of nowhere and used this version of the story to explain it to Nick. He really meant every word and talking about it was probably scary after last year, but also seemed to make him feel a little more comfortable around Nick. His eyes met Nick and he smiled sheepishly at him from across the table. “It’s always been boys.” She finished with a shrug and then narrowed his eyes at Nick a little. “Are you okay, Nick?”

Looking over at Charlie, Nick’s heart melted. He knew he needed to talk to him about everything, but until now it didn’t seem quite as important. Sure, he WANTED to. Heck, he left Harry’s party to get here and talk to Charlie, after all. But now the need to explain everything seemed to burn him from the inside out. He felt like if he didn’t explain everything to Charlie right now, he would never again get the chance to do it. And he couldn’t bear the thought of hiding from his best friend like that any longer. Especially when Charlie was nothing but honest and genuine with him all this time. He didn’t have any secrets kept from Nick, as far as he could tell. At least, nothing that had to do with Nick. Charlie could keep things to himself, obviously.

Nick took in a deep breath and nodded to himself, as if encouraging himself to talk. Talk. Just speak and get over this whole mess. He promised himself that by the end of that night Charlie and he would be at a place where everything about their relationship would be extremely clear to the two of them. Nick would know where they stand exactly and life would finally go on like before. Hopefully.

“I think…” He swallowed thickly and noticed the way Charlie itched closer to him. Not suffocating him but getting ready to offer him any kind of support he might need. “I might have a crush on someone?”

“Oh.” Charlie blinked at him once. Then twice. And then he looked down, took a sip from his tea and smiled sadly. “Haha… what’s she like, then?”

Putting on a brave face, Nick braced himself. “You’re just gonna assume they’re a she?” He mocked him cautiously, worried Charlie might actually get offended by the comment. Reality was quite the opposite, though. Charlie seemed to light up at that. He looked up right into Nick’s eyes, his own ones sparkling with both curiosity and slight apprehension. Even his dimples were revealed.

Charlie looked absolutely ecstatic.

“Are they not a girl?” He asked, almost demanded, as if he HAD to know the answer to that question. As if his life depended on it. And Nick found himself speechless, unable to say anything else. So all he did was shrug helplessly. This didn’t seem to deter Charlie who just leaned a little forward, forgetting about his tea and giving Nick his full attention. “Is that what you came here to talk about?” Charlie barely even waited for Nick’s nod and just kept on going. “Would you go out with someone who wasn’t a girl?”

Putting a hand to his head, Nick looked away for a moment, his mind too bust trying to read too much into Charlie’s reaction. Was he only this invested in the news because Nick coming out to him might mean Charlie wouldn’t be the only gay kid or was it because there really was something there and Nick wasn’t imagining this one-sided thing this entire time?

“I don’t know… maybe?”

Now they were both leaning a bit forward over the table. Charlie looked just about ready to burst and Nick simply couldn’t take his eyes off him. Yeah, that was NOT normal for platonic friends. He couldn’t even pretend it was, because it simply wasn’t. He felt too much for this to only be usual, boring friendship. Okay, maybe not quite boring but still.

Charlie licked his lips for a moment, as if contemplating his next words. “Would you kiss someone who wasn’t a girl?”

His face was burning, Nick could just tell. Sure, Charlie tended to blush way more often than him, but at least half the time people couldn’t tell because of his tan. Nick didn’t have that luxury. When he blushed, everyone could tell with just one look because his pale face would just burst with warm colors. “I don’t know.”

There were centimeters apart now, so close Nick felt like his head was about to spin. “Would you kiss me?”

“Yeah.”

Nick didn’t even have to ponder the question. He knew the answer for what felt like ages. His heart beat faster and faster in his chest as Charlie closed the distance between them over the kitchen table, kissing Nick like he longed to do it for so long, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. And despite this being Nick’s second kiss in total, he could tell it was way better than the first one. Maybe because this time he liked the one kissing him way more than before.

With Tara it was more like an amateur thing, a feeling that didn’t really fill him too much. It was childish and inexperienced, something Nick could just let go of without so much as a second thought. Sure, they were friends, but nothing beyond that. With Charlie it was completely different. The thoughts about the other boy snaked around his chest, squeezing his heart and making him feel like he might just bleed from the amount of feelings in his body. He wanted to stay next to Charlie for eternity. He could tell that had Charlie not been feeling at least somewhat like him, he would have been heartbroken. He really would have.

It felt like forever before Charlie pulled away, his eyes still closed. Nick watched as they fluttered open, an awkward, nervous grin on his face. The boy looked like he was scared Nick might still push him away after that. Like he didn’t feel secure enough about any of this. Nick couldn’t blame him, but he wanted to wipe that anxiousness off of Charlie’s face immediately.

“You okay?”

“I…” Nick took in some air and his lungs could finally function again. “Yeah. I think I am.”

Charlie’s smile could brighten up the entire house.