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The moment Rei reached her mental count to fifty, she opened her eyes and stared at the wall. The bed was more comfortable than the one at the hospital. Enji had spared no expense, choosing a bed that regulated their differing temperatures. It was a sweet gesture. He’d let her decorate the bedroom, although she kept it minimal, choosing a neutral spread.
Still, ever since they’d begun to sleep in the same bed, it took Rei almost an hour to fall asleep, her mind keeping her up with panic-inducing scenarios.
It wasn’t Enji’s fault, not really. She knew he’d accept the blame if she brought it up, but she had suggested they start sleeping together. After six months of therapy and getting reacquainted with each other, she’d craved that intimacy again. If they were going to work on being a married couple, she wanted to feel like they were married in every aspect, including something as basic as sleeping beside each other.
However, sharing a bed also brought up something else they’d been avoiding, something she knew their therapist was itching to bring up. While they’d kissed a few times and were getting reacquainted with innocent touches, they’d not come close to having sex yet. Every time it was even hinted at, Rei would skitter away from the topic, her mind growing distant, and Enji was too ashamed to bring it up himself. They’d cross that bridge eventually.
Until then, a fan blew in the corner, swallowing up the silence that rested between them.
Despite being utterly still, Enji was awake. She could hear it in his breathing, through his nose, like he was trying to work up the courage to say something. He knew she was awake too. He had to know. This was only the second week, but so far, they hadn’t even come close to touching in bed, an invisible wall of ice between them. She always rolled onto her side, keeping her back to him, praying he would do the same.
He’d touched her hip once, just to say goodnight, and she’d flinched. A mixture of shame and embarrassment had flooded her, but she hadn’t said anything, not even a word of absolution. Since then, he hadn’t dared to touch her again.
Then, right when she thought he might be asleep, she felt him shift, his large frame causing the mattress to dip and her body to roll toward him. He was facing her now, hesitant, unbalanced. She could feel the words he wanted to say in the way he held his breath, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he reached out, his hand hovering an inch above her, warm air wafting over her skin. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but she still couldn’t breathe.
The moment Enji’s hand rested on her side, Rei used every ounce of strength in her body not to react. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t . He was only trying to reach out to her and bridge the gap between them. During the day, they could pretend like it didn’t exist. They could be happy, smile, offer little touches here and there. She loved going to his agency and having lunch with him. They’d never done that before. He’d always kept work and home so separate, growing even worse after Shouto’s birth. She’d gotten her license again to meet him, became acquainted with his sidekicks, called his office to talk with him when he wasn’t on patrol.
At night, however, the obvious chasm ran so deep that it left Rei feeling alone and unsettled in the morning, especially when he left for work before she woke.
Enji took a deep breath. This was it. He was going to say something. It might not be about their lack of intimacy in bed, but it could be a simple question of permission to get closer to her. His hand moved up, over her arm, up her shoulder, his fingers gliding through her hair. For someone with hands as large as his, he knew how to be gentle too. He hadn’t always been rough, she told herself. He hadn’t always taken everything for himself. For the first few years of their marriage, he had been kind, sometimes even loving.
And then his hand fell away from her, and he rolled back onto his other side. Rei didn’t let out the breath she was holding, remaining as still as possible, but she couldn’t deny the relief that washed over her like a bucket of cold water. She felt drenched in it, sweat beading along her chest, her heart thumping wildly underneath.
Only when his breathing changed did Rei sink further into the bed. It wasn’t guilt that crept up inside her now. It was more like sadness, the emptiness between them digging into her skin. He’d told her he would wait—that her comfort was his first and foremost priority—but that didn’t make him want her any less. He wasn’t used to such a slow pace. They’d gotten pregnant fast, within the first month of their marriage, and it had taken even less time for her to fall pregnant the second time.
There was no chance of pregnancy now, Enji having undergone surgery that would ensure that, taking on the treatment instead of forcing her back into a hospital or on birth control. But she couldn’t deny that it still frightened her, and she was left stuck facing a wall she didn’t know how to climb. She’d known there would be hurdles when it came to repairing their marriage, but she’d blinded herself to this aspect.
It was foolish, of course. The vulnerability and intimacy that came about during sex were probably the two largest issues in their relationship.
Taking a deep breath, Rei rolled over to face Enji. In the nearly pitch black bedroom, he was little more than a dark shape, his body like a mountain, no flames in sight. Still, when she wiggled closer to him, she could sense the heat rolling off him. She reached out, hesitating for a moment, and then placed her palm on his back. Warm to the touch, solid muscle firm even in his sleep, real.
Rei swallowed and closed her eyes. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
***
Despite the pleasant buzz of alcohol warming her, Rei’s eyes drifted to Enji’s hand resting on her knee. Touch was becoming more familiar between them with each passing day, little things here and there—his hand on the small of her back to guide her through a room, her hand on his arm to soothe him after a rough day. She especially liked it when he touched her face and brought her attention to him without a word. He was soft and careful, as if he was afraid he might break her, a delicate ice sculpture that could shatter at any moment.
Lifting her eyes from his hand, Rei leaned into Enji’s side, soaking up his body heat. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as it sometimes was, but perhaps that was due to the wine they’d indulged in during dinner. Neither of them were prone to drinking, but she secretly enjoyed the way it loosened her body and mind enough to allow her this little moment of intimacy with her husband.
She also found the redness of his cheeks, for once not brought on by flames or anger, rather endearing.
“I think your tolerance is weaker than before,” Rei told him, her own cheeks equally pink. “I’d wondered if alcohol would burn right through you due to your quirk.”
Enji’s lips dipped downward into a frown, but he was more embarrassed than irritated, grumbling, “I rarely drink on the off-chance I’m called in on emergency.”
Rei trailed her fingers over the back of his hand, her fingertips ghosting over his knuckles. “You didn’t have to drink if it made you uncomfortable.”
“No, I–” Enji cleared his throat. “It felt nice.”
When she continued to run her fingers over his hand, he moved, inching his hand further up her thigh. Her breath hitched in her throat, and he hesitated, but she didn’t tell him to stop, nor did she look away. Still, her heart thrummed in her chest. It wasn’t inappropriate, not with one of his sidekicks driving them home, but she couldn’t look away as he fingered the hem of her dress, his blunt nails scraping the tights underneath.
“You look very beautiful tonight,” Enji told her, only a little awkward. “I didn’t say it earlier.”
Rei laughed lightly, finding the clumsy attempt sweet. “Thank you.”
He didn’t say anything else and neither did she. His hand continued its upward path, taking her dress with it, and she sucked in a sharp breath. Something tingled inside her as his thumb pressed down on the inside of her thigh, making her squirm against his side.
By the time they arrived home, Enji was worked up more than usual. He took her hand without a word and guided her inside the house. The moment the door shut behind them, he touched her face, and she brought her eyes to his.
“Rei,” he murmured, a quiet plea, her name a request for permission.
She nodded, a tremulous smile at her lips when he bent down to kiss her. He’d grown bolder over the past two months, kissing her more often, sometimes even in bed, but they’d still not had sex. She grasped his arms, nails digging into his sleeves, and returned the kiss with an equal amount of passion. His response was immediate, one hand cupping her face while the other fell to her hip.
This was when she normally would’ve pulled away, her cheeks flushed with shame and embarrassment, but with a little bit of liquid courage in her system, she felt more emboldened. Excited. Reckless . She pushed at the nerves that normally choked her, forcing them down, doing her best to focus on the way Enji’s lips worked against hers as they moved through the house.
Loosening his tie, she tugged on it to pull him in close, then fingered the buttons of his jacket until he got the hint and shirked it over his shoulders. The muscles underneath his shirt were tense as he restrained himself, and he sighed in relief when she ran her hands over his chest, her coolness tempering him.
It was painfully obvious that he wanted her, but she’d forced him to wait. He didn’t bother hiding his desire for her now, pressing his lips over hers, then along her cheek and jaw. As he kissed down her neck, he pushed her sweater over her shoulders, and a shiver coursed through her body as his hands glided over her.
His touch was possessive, demanding in a way she’d forgotten. With his body, he laid her down on the chase lounge. He was gentle enough to keep from spooking her, but her heart still jumped when he moved between her legs. She cupped his face, bringing his lips back to hers and kissing him frantically in an attempt to distract herself. He took it as a sign of eagerness, one of his hands sliding up her side to cup her breasts over her dress. A gasp slipped from her mouth, her back arching and pressing her chest into his palm. He groaned, lowering his hips to grind against hers.
She wasn’t shocked by the bulge in his pants. Objectively, she knew he was turned on, and she also knew what that would entail. She’d gone through the scenarios countless time, walking herself through each step that they would take in order for them to have sex. It was calculating, detached, but she’d thought it might help her prepare, flipping through them even now.
Enji was hard, so he’d undo his pants to relieve the pressure. He’d continue to kiss her and run his hands over her, cup her mound or fumble with her clit to build up her own desire. It would be easier for her to rub herself against him, the two of them too unfamiliar with each other and their own sexual wants. He’d shove her dress over her hips, and then—
And then he would fuck her, taking everything she’d been keeping from him.
Fear rose in her faster than she anticipated, shooting to a near-manic level when his fingers brushed her cunt. Her eyes shot open, taking in the sight of Enji hovering over her, the only thing she could see, but when she tried to cry, no sound came out, panic constricting her throat like a tightly wrapped hand. Her spread legs stiffened, and she shoved his chest, but she couldn’t speak, smothered by her own crippling anxiety.
Enji sucked on her neck, just hard enough to mark her delicate skin. “Rei.”
His voice was filled with so much reverence that it brought tears to her eyes, shame mixing in with the panic. She should just let him have her. He’d been endlessly patient. She was doing him a disservice as a wife by denying him with no real explanation while he did everything he could to repair their marriage. She refused to meet him halfway, keeping him on a hook. This was what he wanted. She should just—
“Rei, are you with me? Rei? Rei!”
She flailed upon snapping out of the daze, the back of her hand connecting with something hard. Only when her vision steadied did she realize she’d managed to backhand Enji in the jaw, a patch of ice on his chin.
“Oh, Enji, I’m-I’m—” She couldn’t get the words out, promptly bursting into tears like some sort of hysterical woman. It humiliated her, and she hid her face in her hands, curling up underneath him to hide herself.
“It’s okay,” Enji reassured her. “It’s okay. I—”
She flinched when he laid his hand on her shoulder, and he pulled away quickly. His willingness to give her space only made her feel worse though, especially when she felt him clamber awkwardly off the lounge.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Rei babbled, her wobbling voice muffled by her palms. “I don’t know what happened. We were kissing and I was enjoying it—I promise I was—and then I-I just—”
“Rei,” Enji murmured, his tone low and deep in his chest. “You don’t need to apologize. I got caught up in the heat of the moment. I didn’t stop to ask—”
“You shouldn’t have to ask,” Rei whispered weakly. “You shouldn’t have to wait for me.”
“Yes, I do, and I will, no matter what,” Enji cut in. His voice was a steady beat compared to the wild pounding of her heart. “May I touch you, please?”
Nodding, Rei bit her lip when she felt Enji touch her wrist, pulling her hand away from her face.
“I’ll admit to being disappointed,” Enji confessed. “I want you. I want to remember what it was like, and I haven’t been with…” She peered at him with a hint of wonder, realizing what he was saying. Despite his semblance of freedom, he hadn’t been with anyone since her. “But if you’re not ready, then you aren’t ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?” Rei asked, exposing her insecurities.
Enji squeezed her hand. “Then I’ll accept that as well, and we move on from there.”
Rei sank into the couch cushions, suddenly exhausted. He’d never been this patient, always so eager, as if he’d never experienced sexual desire until her. She could still remember him struggling while she recovered from giving birth to Touya, finding other ways to bring her pleasure, either with his fingers or, when he was feeling particularly in the mood, with his mouth.
It was hard to believe they were the same people as back then.
***
Rei could hear Enji grumbling over paperwork in their bedroom. She smiled, catching a glimpse of him scratching out another typo before fixing his reading glasses. He’d taken to wearing them in the past month, forced to admit to defeat to something as simple as old age. They made him look dignified and even more handsome, but she knew he hated them.
Sharing a bed was far easier these days. She didn’t mind it anymore, though she did feel a pang of regret every time he pulled away. He didn’t push things further, always drawing a line before things could escalate.
Climbing onto her side of the bed, Rei leaned over to kiss Enji on the cheek out of instinct, and he turned away from the report just enough to catch her lips in a quick peck. More distracted than normal, he didn’t catch onto the change in her behavior—and truth be told, she couldn’t explain it either.
It felt okay .
Enji blinked in confusion when Rei took the paperwork out of his hands and set it aside on her nightstand. He opened his mouth, brow furrowed, only to stiffen when she climbed into his lap. It was a little awkward, but with a shy smile adorning her lips, she carefully took off his glasses.
“Hi,” Rei murmured quietly, her cheeks dusted with blush.
Enji swallowed, completely still underneath her. “Are you…?”
Rei nodded. She wanted him, and, judging by the way he was growing hard underneath her, the feeling was mutual. Taking his face in her hands, she placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He was slightly too hot to the touch, but she leaned in close, slowly rocking on top of him. He sucked in a breath and then his hands were on her, his own hips moving upward to meet her.
He was forcing himself to go slow, his hold on her featherlight, a far cry from his public persona. This was a side of him that only she got to see—the tentative, almost nervous version of him that reminded her of the early months of their marriage. He shivered when her hands fell down to his chest, her natural coldness sending a chill down his spine. She muttered an apology against his lips, but he shook his head. He deepened their kiss instead, the passion and heat building up between them.
He fisted a handful of her nightgown, pressing his lips over her pulse point. “Can I–?”
“Yes,” Rei managed breathlessly. She lifted her arms, allowing him to pull the nightgown over her head, and then he promptly did the same with his own.
When his hands slid up her stomach to rest on her breasts, she gasped, grinding herself more intently down on his clothed cock, and he choked. “Fuck.”
She couldn’t help but smile at the slip of composure, knowing Enji only swore when he lost control. Instead of anger like she’d come to know, desire dripped from his voice. He surprised her though when he leaned forward to suck on one of her nipples, and she cried out, a bolt of pleasure coursing through her. So unused to direct touch, they felt sensitive, whimpers tumbling from her as he fondled her other breast.
Panting with effort, Rei raked her fingers through his hair. “En-Enji–”
“You’re so beautiful,” Enji mumbled against her chest. His other hand fell down to rest on the faded C-section scar that stretched across just above her waist, a reminder of Natsuo’s difficult birth. She’d felt so ashamed by the wound that she hadn’t let Enji touch her for months after, the crack between them growing worse with each day. He touched it reverently now, like it was a badge of honor. “So beautiful.”
He had more scars on his body as well than what she last remembered, both faded and pink. She ran her fingers over each one, tracing them as if she could absorb the memories and soothe the past pain with the coolness of her quirk. He shivered again, inadvertently bucking up into her.
Knowing he’d need more direction, Rei said, “Touch me,” and Enji obliged immediately, rubbing her over her underwear. The layer between them added a hint of relief, but even after years of self-imposed celibacy, knowledge of her body seemed to come back to him. Together, as he rubbed her clit and she rocked against him, they built up the pleasure inside of her until it felt akin to a burning inferno.
Perhaps it was the idea of control—that she could tell Enji to do anything, and she knew he would do it—or simply because it had been so long since she’d even touched herself, but when she finally came, a flood of emotions exploded inside of her. She came with a cry, and he captured her lips with his to stifle his own moan. His fingers rubbed her quickly in an attempt to keep up with the way she rutted against him, both of them a little desperate and unbalanced as she rode out the orgasm.
When she finally stilled on top of him, they were both panting, Rei’s face buried against his shoulder. She kissed his neck to let him know she was still with him—and that she wanted to continue. As she steadied her breathing, he laid her down on her back, though he made sure to give her enough space so his massive frame wouldn’t block out everything.
“Are you sure?” Enji asked one more time, his fingers hooked around her underwear.
Warmth blossomed in Rei’s chest, and she thought, quite lucidly, that she might love him.
“Yes.”
That was all he needed, and he dragged her soaked underwear down her legs to fully expose her. Her face warmed further when he shed his pants and boxers, reminding her that he was large everywhere .
“I’ll go slow,” Enji promised, so genuine and soft.
With her legs spread as much as she could to accommodate him, Enji lowered himself between her legs. Rei sucked in a deep breath when the tip of his dick rubbed against her folds, smearing her slick on him. He brushed her hair out of her face and then slowly began to push himself inside. The resistance was almost immediate, and she winced at the stretch, but before he could stop, she wrapped her arms around his neck, urging him silently to continue.
She wanted him. She wanted all of him, through pleasure and pain.
By the time he was fully sheathed inside of her, she was gasping raggedly, her nails digging into his skin to divert the tension in her body. She trembled as he pulled himself out, keening when he pushed back in. Nonetheless, she tried to meet his movements halfway, tilting her hips up whenever he pushed his cock inside. His dick stretched her out to dizzying levels, her body completely unaccustomed to the intrusion, but she welcomed each thrust with one of her own.
“Missed you,” Enji grunted as he picked up the pace. “Missed the feel of your cold walls gripping my cock—”
Rei moaned, his unexpected crudeness burning right through her. Only in these moments would he say something like this, prone to flushing when she brought it up later, but she loved it—loved knowing that this was theirs alone, that only she could give him this exact feeling.
Their timing wasn’t perfect, his long and deep thrusts slower than her small erratic ones, and at one point, he accidentally slipped out entirely and she thought she might cry over the sudden absence. When he pushed back into her in one go, it felt like a punch to the gut, and he kissed away the tears that slipped out of the corners of her eyes, but then they were moving together again, hands roving and lips bruising.
“Shit,” he hissed, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m not gonna last much longer.”
“Then don’t,” Rei told him, running her fingers through his hair. “We have tomorrow.”
Enji moaned at the thought, his mind already on having her again. She could sense him coming to his end, his dick pumping in and out of her more erratically, his breathing becoming sharp. When she murmured his name against his lips, it sent him over the edge, but she wasn’t startled like she’d imagined when he spent himself inside of her, his warm seed filling her up. She held him close, not wanting him to pull out, basking in his warmth and the way his body trembled under her hands, and smiled when he kissed her cheek.
It wasn’t a perfect balance by any means, but it was theirs. They couldn’t rebuild what they’d had together before, that life long since destroyed, but they could create something else, and this was the first step.