Archive of Our Own

At Watcher, practically everything was worthy of some type of celebration. Whether that be a video getting a higher-than-usual number of views, a milestone in subscribers, or even a new merch drop; it seemed there were always balloons or flowers littering the office as a constant reminder of what they’d accomplished. They were small acknowledgments, of course, just a way to congratulate the team and boost morale for a job well done. It was similar to grade school when you would do well on your report card and earn a gold star.

However, some things warranted a bigger celebration. Their importance exceeded a basket of baked goods and a bottle of wine to share amongst the crew at the end of the day.

Ghost Files was officially dropping in one week and by god if Watcher wasn’t going to throw the biggest party of the century.

The show was something the boys have been itching to release since announcing their new company two years ago. The idea has always lingered in the back of their minds since the end of Unsolved was in sight, and now it was truly a reality. Shane and Ryan knew their longtime supporters were waiting on the edges of their seats for the return of their beloved paranormal duo; for the return of the Ghoul Boys. Even the teasers for the show were getting more views than their other actual videos!

Unsolved had practically been Ryan’s baby. He remembers pitching the idea to the big, scary Buzzfeed executives back in 2016 with sweaty hands and a bad haircut. After getting the green light, he was able to transform it from a low-budget production to Buzzfeed’s best hit! They had struck gold when Shane and Ryan entered the scene, but it wasn’t meant to last forever.

Ryan doesn’t dwell on the past too hard. They had a wonderful goodbye to Unsolved and he truly feels he’s made peace with its ending. He knows all too well that people were sad to see it go, and so was he, but he was more excited for the future. Likewise, with the end of Unsolved came the drop of Ghost Files, because lord knows Ryan will spend the rest of his life trying to convince Shane of the paranormal.

The same butterflies that were present at twenty-five still appear now at thirty-one whenever a video gets uploaded. The excitement and passive nerves still boil in his body until he’s able to hear a response back from the audience. Watching his creation grow into what it’s become to date has been amazing, and Shane never failed to be right by his side when the videos went up and the views, comments, and likes flowed in.

He could get emotional thinking about where they were now, and sometimes he does. After all, he had met Shane when they were two interns just trying to pay rent in LA, and now here they were! Sitting in an office that was dedicated to their very open company, still supporting each other through it all. No matter what crazy idea Ryan had next, Shane was always smiling back at him with two thumbs up, ready to jump on whatever rollercoaster Ryan had planned for them.

Not a day goes by when he isn’t grateful for everything they’ve been rewarded over the years, and it seems like every day he takes a moment to reminisce on the beginning. They were just two guys with a couple of cameramen, filming on their phones or with shitty camcorders with terrible lighting, not even having the budget to get microphones to do their voice-overs with. 

Buzzfeed handed them sticks and rocks and told them to make fire. Ryan Bergara took those sticks and burned the whole city down.

Today, they stood with the most expensive and high-tech equipment money could buy, backed by a team specifically curated to develop the vision in Shane and Ryan’s heads for just exactly what they wanted Ghost Files to be. This wasn’t going to be your average Youtube ghost hunting show; this was a full fucking production.

It was an emotional night, being the next big step in Watcher’s history, and it certainly had Ryan thinking about the past. He remembers sleeping on the floor of the Sally House with his heart practically falling out of his ass and hearing Shane snoring next to him. He was more scared than anything, but the faint annoyance that Shane was able to sleep like a baby when Ryan was googling symptoms of a heart attack is fresh in his mind. Now, he’s able to look back and laugh at his fear, because young-Ryan had no idea what was in store for the future.

He wonders how different things would be today if Shane wasn’t the great guy that he was. Ryan thinks about what the chances were that some guy who also worked in his building would turn out to be the best friend anyone’s probably ever had. After Brent quit, Ryan had a momentary blind panic where his dream was slipping through his fingers before he even got to hold it, and then Shane was there with his large head and glasses, and it was like he had a halo hovering over him. Who knew their dynamic; their opposing sides to what the entire show was even about, would be something the world fell in love with?

Ryan wouldn’t do anything differently. He thinks every single part of the way Unsolved played out was perfect, even if it didn’t seem so at the time. If every decision led him to where he stands now, no, he wouldn’t change a thing. He feels like he has Shane to thank for a majority of that. 

His quick wit kept Ryan sane when he was losing his mind in some of those locations. The kind smile and dry humor were enough to keep Ryan from feeling like he was drowning in fear. Shane radiated this comforting energy that, no matter how much of an annoying asshole he was when he made fun of Ryan for being scared, made Ryan associate him with safety. Shane was his safety.

Ryan is reminded of this most when he thinks about how close they used to sleep. All Ryan’s doing, of course, but Shane never objected. Yeah, he’d chuckle a bit or make a snarky comment, but he let Ryan be as close as he needed to, even if that meant sacrificing his own sleep more often than not.

Shane was just a really good dude.

Maybe that’s why Ryan had a crush on him back then.

2016 was a weird year for Ryan. He had a girlfriend but he wasn’t very happy. However, as a twenty-five-year-old, Ryan was slipping into his quarter-life crisis and thought that if he wasn’t married by thirty, he was doomed to be alone for the rest of his days. He settled for being unhappy if it meant he eventually would have a wife because he always thought the meaning of life was to be with someone and maybe start a family (if he wanted that sort of thing later on).

He decided to find happiness in other ways- call it compensation. Throwing himself into his work was a big part of it, and even if it was 75% stress, the 25% of joy it brought him was like a truckload of ketamine and Ryan thought he could soar through the air. Similarly, throwing himself into work also meant spending an ungodly amount of time with Shane.

The two worked right beside each other in the Buzzfeed office. Some days it was challenging to get work done when your best friend kept making you laugh by doing absolutely nothing. They would hang out after work, get drinks with colleagues, hang out on weekends, and of course, spend days on Unsolved shoots together. Ryan saw Shane more than anyone else in his life at that point, including his girlfriend. On occasion, he’d dread going back home to her when he’d been on a film shoot for the past few days. That should’ve been his first clue they weren’t meant to be.

Ryan cherished the time he spent with Shane in those early years. Shane’s smile makes Ryan want to roll his eyes at how cute it was. He found himself growing more and more smitten with the man every day; each laugh making his heart grow fonder. Ryan was attracted to humor and fun; two things his girlfriend unfortunately lacked and Shane had a surplus of. It never occurred to him that Shane was a man until he got a girlfriend of his own and Ryan felt jealous.

He broke up with Helen not too long after that.

He allowed himself a quick month of distance from Shane after his breakup. This newfound ‘crush’ was scary to Ryan, who always thought he was solely into women. He guesses that Shane was just the exception to that based on how badly he wanted to kiss the man senselessly. Ryan needed space to find his ground again and set his head straight, no pun intended. Having a crush on a guy who had a girlfriend was nerve-wracking and definitely a first for Ryan. 

Feigning family trouble for a few weeks, Ryan was able to escape seeing Shane as often as he had been and gathered his thoughts. He told himself he was fully capable of maintaining a friendship with Shane without his feelings getting in the way, and it wouldn’t be right to tell him now, after he got into a relationship of his own. Ryan promised himself he would tell Shane one day, but only if he and Sara broke up.

They never did.

Ryan found Marielle. Years passed. He got married last month.

He was happy again.

Party planning began a few weeks ago, wanting to have time well in advance to set up, as this wasn’t going to be your average drop party. Behind the scenes, whenever people had a chance, emails were being sent and plans were being made. They constantly had boxes of decorations arriving at the building. A variety of food had been arranged for their many guests and they even managed to get an open bar situated!

Katie groaned when she found out the budget the boys were willing to spend, but she obliged and got to party planning the second the details were laid out in front of her. She just hoped the ad revenue would pay them nicely for this.

Guests were told to arrive at seven in the evening; it was currently six but Ryan wanted to head over to the building beforehand to make sure everything was properly set up. He was a stickler for organization after too many times on Unsolved when they forgot a battery or camera. He and Mari got ready a little bit earlier than usual and left the house, hoping that the event planner (their savior, Katie) had everything in place for the night.

Ryan looked in his bathroom mirror before he left, trying to decide if his shirt looks better with one button undone or two. He kept switching them until deciding on two and putting on a thin gold chain to flatter the exposed skin. Shane said gold looked better on Ryan than silver, and he’s stuck with that ever since. He wanted to look good! It was celebration night and Ryan was getting excited. 

After arriving, for the next forty-five minutes, Ryan did little tasks here and there: making sure things were arranged straight (they were), checking the music playlist was correct (it was), and of course, having to sample a shot or two from the bar. He didn’t plan on getting drunk tonight, wanting to remember this night and remain a good host, but a little pregame never hurt anyone too badly!

Marielle had been a big part in helping set up the party and Ryan was forever grateful for her. She knew to let him have his space tonight as she was sure there’d be tons of people wanting to come up and talk to him throughout the night about the show. They arrived together and spoke sweetly for a while before parting ways so Ryan could welcome people. They promised to catch up later in the night when Ryan wasn’t so busy with Shane or Steven.

He had gotten a text from Shane saying he was going to be a bit late. Ryan thought that was funny- leave it to Shane to be late to his own release party. 

Ryan was surrounded by the fellow Ghost Files crew, the people who worked on the show with them, whether it be recording, technicalities behind the scenes, editing, etc. He wanted to share this night with the people who made the show a reality, rather than just him and Shane getting all of the spotlight. 

People began to trickle in nearing seven in the evening, pouring their congratulations and well wishes in at the door. Some people brought little sweet treats which were quickly added to the tables of food set out. They were planning on a big turnout tonight, even adding a plus-one to most of the invites they sent out, hoping for this to go down in Watcher party history.

Ryan hardly got nervous. Excited, yes, but not nervous. It was easy to confuse the queasy feeling in his stomach between the two, but he knew for a fact that it was all excitement running through his veins as he saw his friends walk in. Old coworkers from Buzzfeed, fellow YouTubers, and lifelong friends. Ryan could drown himself in this feeling of happiness from seeing all of his favorite people in one shared space together. He couldn’t wait till Shane got there to top it all off. Everyone was smiling and laughing, enjoying the open bar, and mingling with each other in small groups. Quiet music played in the background but the chatter was already loud enough to fill the office.

Ryan grabbed a beer and joined the crowd; Shane would be there eventually, he could talk amongst his friends until then. A hand clapped his shoulder the second he stepped into the room and he turned to see Keith Habersberger and his wife, Becky smiling at him. “Congratulations on the wedding, man,” Keith said happily.

“It was such a beautiful ceremony,” Becky admired. They were such a kind couple.

“Thank you guys so much. Any words about marriage you can offer me?” Ryan asks while sipping his beer. Becky laughs and shrugs.

“Never go to bed upset, I guess! Being totally honest about how we feel is super important,” she says. Keith nods along with her as if they were in sync, and they might as well have been.

Ryan understands that and has heard it before. Marielle knows practically everything about him, down to how he smells after three days with no shower. She knows his fears and dreams, his favorite and least favorite movies, and all of the songs that make him ugly cry. The only person comparable he could think of that might just beat her in a Ryan Bergara trivia test would probably be Shane.

He did manage to keep one secret from them both though: his past crush on Shane. It was a detail that wasn’t important in his life anymore and truly didn’t warrant their knowledge of it. Ryan doesn’t even know why it’s the first thought that comes to mind every time he hears the ‘a marriage has no secrets’ advice. It was like an annoying pop-up ad.

Just the idea of it makes him sweat and Ryan wonders if the couple can see right through him and tell he’s keeping a secret from Mari. He was so much older now, it should’ve been something that he looks back on and laughs from embarrassment, like a childhood memory. Instead, it makes his neck warm.

He thanked the couple kindly before moving on to greet others.

While speaking to Kristen and Jen about what they’ve been up to recently, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket but doesn’t bother to check it. It probably meant Shane was here, and the text probably said something like ‘the party has arrived’; a stupid saying that would make Ryan roll his eyes and smile.

His guess was proven correct when just a moment later he sees the tall man show up, easily standing a few inches over most of the crowd. He arrives comically late for being the co-host of the show but it doesn’t bother Ryan a bit. When he walks in, a large round of ‘hey!’s are shouted in his direction, greeting him kindly.

Ryan excuses himself from his friends before making his way through the crowd of people and ending up at Shane’s side. His cologne smells nice; it must be a new one as Ryan doesn’t recognize it. He’d ask about that later when he got the chance. Shane smiles brightly upon seeing him, putting a hand on his back and pulling Ryan close to better hear him over the noise of the room.

“Hey, little guy,” he smiles down.

“Y’know, I thought you weren’t gonna make it for a minute there,” Ryan teases. They walk through the crowd again to the bar so Shane was able to grab a drink. His hand was still on Ryan’s mid-back, guiding him through the people. His touch was grounding.

He looked good too, Ryan notes. He was wearing a dark long sleeve shirt but had it rolled up to his elbows, a watch adorned on his right wrist. Shane hasn’t shaved in a few days based on the stubble he was getting but Ryan thought it suited him nicely.

People smiled and said quick hello’s as they walked by. “I’m only a little bit late,” Shane scoffs.

“Little bit?” Ryan laughs in disbelief, “We started twenty minutes ago! Where’s Sara?” he asks, looking over their shoulders, noticing she didn’t come in with Shane.

“That’s why we were late,” Shane explains as he grabs a beer for himself, “she wanted to wear this one necklace but she couldn’t find it so I stayed behind to help her look. She told me just to go on and she’d catch up whenever she found it,”.

Shane removes his hand from Ryan’s back and Ryan totally doesn’t care. He kisses his teeth and gives a playful shrug, “Seems like you’re not a very punctual couple,” Ryan said like he was delivering some bad news in a joking voice. Shane laughs and it’s pretty.

Pretty . . . normal. If Ryan does say so himself. 

“We are the most punctual couple there’s ever been, baby! One setback doesn’t change that,” Shane insists.

“Well obviously there’s gotta be a couple out there who’s never been late once, now making them the most, and you guys are second or third or something,” Ryan counters. Shane looks at him incredulously and feigns shock.

“Already bumped down to third for being ten minutes late to just one event?”

“To be fair, Mari and I got here an hour ago. We’re probably number two right now,” Ryan smiles smugly. Shane breaks out into a smile at the accusation.

“Okay, there’s no way in hell you guys are second!”

“You guys can debate later,” Katie suddenly butts in, walking towards them, “I think it’s time you address your crowd,” she adds, keeping them organized. Ryan smiles at her. He looks to Shane and nods his head in the direction of what would be deemed the front of the room. It was the wall where their Ghost Files background was set up, so it was only fitting.

As Shane made some joke that made their friends all laugh, Ryan couldn’t help but look out over the sea of people and marvel. They’ve had launch parties before but it never failed to give Ryan that feeling in his stomach of accomplishment. He was so often hard on himself that he forgot to enjoy the process of making things and then the end result. He was so critical of every bit and piece that he had no chance to step back and admire what he’s done. The majority of the first season of Ghost Files was finished being edited, just needing little tweaks here and there, so tonight allowed for Ryan to appreciate his hard work. He looks over the dozens of familiar faces he’s known for years and feels his chest go warm. 

There were people in that crowd he admired. He use to compare view counts with the Try Guys for months when their channel began picking up speed. He worried his ideas would get bland after a few episodes, but seeing where he was standing today, he now knew that would no longer be his concern. There was always an audience for something, he reminds himself.

Shane is still saying some crap about not believing in ghosts but ‘hey if it pays the bills!’ and people are laughing. Ryan looks over at him in wonder. They have stupidly bright lights shining on them at the moment and it floods through Shane’s hair like sunrays, illuminating him in a god-like manner. He was so handsome, Ryan always knew this. He doesn’t know why he was so surprised when Shane met Sara all those years, it wasn’t like he was going to stay single forever. Especially not until Ryan was ready to have a dozen self-reflections first. 

Sometimes Ryan lets himself wonder about those early years and what could’ve happened if Ryan wasn’t so scared. But he doesn’t let himself wonder for very long- too dangerous. It’s terrible because Ryan absolutely loves Sara and he loves how happy they make each other. He just also thinks he and Shane could’ve had the same connection.

Suddenly Shane is looking at him expectingly. He must’ve made a comment that Ryan was supposed to bounce back on for some typical RyanandShane banter. All he can do is laugh breathily and shrug helplessly like an idiot.

“I’m sorry, dude, I wasn’t even paying attention,” he says apologetically. People find that humorous and Shane just chuckles at him, his eyes squinting in his smile. Good, it must’ve not been something important he needed to hear.

Ryan takes his turn and thanks everyone for coming to support Watcher and makes sure to mention the open bar about a thousand times, telling the crowd it was a party night and they were prepared to call Ubers by the end of the night if needed. After the two doing a little self-promotion, as there were still a handful of people in the crowd who were plus ones and probably didn’t know too much about them, they dropped a few of the lights and turned the music up.

This was basically a thirty-and-over party but dammit, if they weren’t going to celebrate like they were twenty.

“Was my speech that boring?” Shane asks teasingly when they step away from the light and ease their way back into the crowd. Ryan looks at him and raises an eyebrow. Shane talks a lot, sure, but he was never boring. At least not to Ryan, who could listen to him rant about the complexity of ketchup if given the chance.

“What? God no,” Ryan shakes his head, “I didn’t hear any of it but they seemed to like it,” he says, gesturing towards the people.

Shane looks at him curiously with a grin that makes Ryan’s body feel warm. They probably needed to turn up the AC in the building. There’s a gleam in his kind eyes. “What was going on in that head of yours?” Shane asks.

Ryan shrugs. “Just thinking. And don’t make a joke about how-” Shane cuts him off quickly.

“For once!” he exclaims with a huge smile. He laughs as Ryan’s face goes playfully sour. They knew each other too well, like a book you’ve read over and over again, so much so that the spine is soft and the pages are crinkled from continuous turning and skimming.

“You’re such an asshole,” Ryan murmurs over the lip of his beer, shaking his head but it holds no spite. He could call Shane an asshole every day but he’d never mean it. He would just be lying to himself.

“Oh c’mon, Ry! What were you thinking about?” 

“All of this, I guess,” Ryan sighs and waves his hands all around the building, at the people inside and everything surrounding them, “what it represents,”

“What does it represent, Ryan?”

“Um, maybe growth? Dedication?” he tries. He wasn’t even sure himself. Ryan was able to go on mind tangents for hours and hours about anything and still come up with no final thoughts on the topic. He just felt too many emotions to be able to pick one and say what he was feeling.

“Or,” Shane drawls out, “does it represent your slow descent into madness when after six years we still don’t have any ghost evidence?” he ends with a shit-eating grin.

“That is so not true! We’ve caught tons of things!” Ryan retorts loudly.

“Tons of stupid things!” Shane fires back while smiling.

“How can you say that when we’ve seen things that even you can’t explain?” Ryan interrogated, talking with his free hand and waving it in accusingly Shane’s face.

“I just call it unexplained, not everything that doesn’t have a clear answer means it was done by ghouls!” Shane says. He doesn’t have his glasses on tonight; Ryan likes it either way but he admires the way he can truly see Shane’s eyes when he doesn’t have the reflective barrier. He can see some wrinkles around his the corners of eyes. They didn’t seem to bother him like they once would have a few years ago when Shane feared getting older. Since then, he’s embraced growing up. Ryan looked at them and knew in his heart it was from the many years of smiling, laughing, and hours upon hours spent in front of a computer screen. They were wrinkles that told a story, and Shane welcomed them with open arms.

“You are so unbelievable,” Ryan shakes his head bitterly. 

“I’m really not, Ryan! But whatever you say, my friend. Tonight’s your night,” Shane says, sounding like he was forfeiting and letting Ryan win this battle. Similar to giving your dog the last piece of steak on your plate because they’ve been begging for so long; definite defeat but you lose nothing. Shane truly lost nothing in letting Ryan believe his little tales. Ryan would spend forever trying to convince Shane of ghosts and Shane will just let him, completely uninterested in trying to change his imaginative, wild mind.

“Yeah. Tonight’s our night.” Ryan reminded him, bumping their shoulders.

“It’s more yours than mine,” Shane says.

“What makes you say that?” Ryan wonders. They were host and co-host of the show, how was this not both of their nights? Hell, it was the entire crew’s night!

“You created Unsolved, y’know? I wasn’t on your mind when it was being written up, I just joined the ride as a fill-in. You’re the one who spat this idea out and spun it into gold. This is all because of you,” Shane insists, letting his gaze fall on Ryan.

“Okay,” the other guessed, “but we would’ve gotten nowhere without you, obviously.”

And it was true. Ryan could do as much research as he wanted, he could edit the videos to hell and back with the highest-paid production team out there, and he could scream at the wind till he lost his voice, but their banter is what continuously brought people back. Viewers watched to see if Ryan captured something incriminating enough to change Shane’s mind; they watched to see Shane torment the ghosts and thereby torture Ryan in return. They bounce off each other perfectly. They were a duo and Ryan thinks they always will be.

“Well, thank you. And thank you for choosing me out of anyone else in the office. It’s been a pleasure.” Shane smiled softly. He holds his beer bottle out to Ryan who taps it with his own, creating a small clink amongst the noise around them.

“Yeah, you seemed like you didn’t do much anyway and I thought, ‘there’s a guy who can sit there and listen to me talk for an hour’,” Ryan teases.

“And no one could do it better!” Shane insists with the utmost pride, making Ryan laugh.

They lose each other a few times over the next hour, caught up in talking to everyone and catching up with those they haven’t seen in a while. Ryan was stern about not getting drunk but he does allow himself one more beer, just to keep his hands busy and not look like he was being a damp towel in his own company. He meets up with Mari, too, who was chatting away with Ariel, Ned Fulmer’s wife. He joins the ladies and puts an arm around Mari’s waist. She smiles upon seeing him and leans into his touch.

“Hi, Ryan,” Ariel smiles kindly. “Have you seen Ned anywhere? I lost him a few minutes ago,” she asks, peering around.

Ryan shakes his head. “I haven’t, no. How’d you lose him?”

Ariel chuckles. “The kids are staying with my mom for the night so I told Ned he was allowed to go wild if he wanted to,” she explains, “he’s probably had one too many.”

“I’ll do a quick sweep through and see if I can find him,” Ryan suggests. Ariel thanks him sweetly and Marielle kisses his cheek before he walks away. Out of all the Try Guys, he supposes that Ned is probably the one who needed to let loose the most, having two kids at home and everything. Ryan thinks it’ll be funny to hear about his hangover tomorrow when his children are back at home and screaming at him.

After walking around a bit, he eventually finds Ned by a wall (more leaning on it than standing next to it) talking to Shane. His actions seem drawled out and exaggerated and Shane is nodding now and then with an amused yet concerned smile on his face. Ryan walks up to them and relief floods Shane’s features; it makes Ryan chuckle.

“Having fun, guys?” Ryan asks as he announces his presence. Ned looks at him and he beams, throwing him into a big hug. Ryan looks over Ned’s shoulder and back at Shane who is trying to hold back his laughter from the scene. Ryan shakes his head with a grin and hugs the man back tightly.

“Hey, Ryan!” Ned cheers into his ear loudly.

“Hey there, buddy,” Ryan pats his back. “Your wife is looking for you,” he says as he pulls away. Ned slaps his hands onto Ryan’s shoulders and with a giddy expression, gasps. Ryan is now the one having to hold his laughter inside. 

“Wife! Speaking of a wife! Your wedding, Ryan! It was beautiful,” he says the last part in a sing-song voice. Leave it to Ned to be the one to go mushy about weddings. That man loved Ariel so much that it made Ryan’s teeth hurt.

Ryan smiles and places one of his hands on Ned’s wrist. “Thank you, man, that means a lot. Should I go grab Ariel?” he asks.

Ned makes a face like he suddenly remembers something then completely ignores the question and turns to Shane, arms still locked onto Ryan. “Shane, when is your wedding?” he slurs a word or two. Ryan debates removing himself from the man or trying to flag down Ariel, but he was curious himself. Shane hasn’t talked to him much about his own wedding and Ryan was intrigued.

Shane is still smiling from how funny this all was to him and shrugs light-heartedly. “We haven’t planned much yet. Sometime late in 2023, that’s all we know,” he replies.

Ned smacks his mouth and nods deeply. “Yup, I get it. Just don’t wait too long, man,” he advises drunkenly. Ryan wonders how many Ned must’ve had in the past hour to get him like this, or how strong whatever he was drinking was.

“We're not in a big rush, both just a little busy right now,” he adds comfortably. Shane was a very relaxed guy. His wedding probably wouldn’t be too big and would be held in a nice location with lots of nature. They seemed in no rush to plan it but Ryan doesn’t doubt it’ll be memorable.

Ned looks over to Ryan and smacks his arm quickly. “Never thought I’d see the day where Shane got married, isn’t it sweet Ryan?” Ned admires fondly, like a proud father.

“Haha, I guess,” Ryan forces a laugh. He pauses and takes a glance at Shane who was looking at Ned with a quirked eyebrow. Now that he thinks about it, why did Ned think he’d never see Shane get married? “Uh, why is that exactly?” Ryan asks, confused.

Ned finally detached himself from Ryan and instead turns to Shane. Shane continues to eye him curiously, putting on a small fake smile to try and hide the vague discomfort he was feeling. Ned appeared none the wiser to their changing moods, looking up at Shane with a half-lidded smile.

Ned takes an exaggerated quick breath like he was going to be saying a lot and needed the oxygen, “You were just single for so long before Sara and I don’t want that happen again because, well, she doesn’t pick em’ for their looks now does she?” he says dreamily. Right as Ryan was about to butt in because- what the fuck?-, Ariel finds them and dashes over.

She puts gentle arms around his shoulders and turns his body.“Oh-ho-ho, there you are!” she yelps, guiding him away from the other men who were looking at Ned extremely oddly. “So sorry guys, he’s had too many. Just ignore anything he’s saying right now,” she apologizes and takes Ned someplace else.

Neither of them speaks for a minute. Ryan feels like he just witnessed something he wasn’t supposed to be seeing, like catching your teacher out on a date. It felt as though that had been a conversation so out of the ordinary, not even just for Ned, that Ryan was debating if it even happened. Who the fuck just says that to a person? Let alone, someone they considered a friend of many years?

Ryan’s mouth feels very dry and he wishes he had some water right now to be able to occupy himself. He looks over at Shane finally and the other man hasn’t moved one bit, besides maybe his eyebrows furrowing deeper together. He’s so confused, Ryan can see it on his face. He almost forgets, for a moment, that they’re in the middle of a party and the people that are just a few yards away from them have no idea what just happened, and yet Shane and Ryan were paralyzed in place.

Ryan goes to say something when Shane suddenly speaks first, “Did I . . . did I just get called ugly?” he wonders aloud. He speaks above a whisper but it seems like he was talking to himself.

“Man, you heard what Ariel said. You can’t trust anything he says. I’m sure he meant it a different way and it just came out wrong,” Ryan tries to bargain. He’s got a hand on the back of his neck awkwardly.

“That’s uh- wow,” Shane rubs his hand down his stubble and raises his eyebrows, “I sure do say a lot of weird things when I’m drunk but I don’t say that,” he tries to laugh it off. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes and falls almost immediately. He’s looking off to the ground somewhere, not meeting Ryan’s sympathetic face. 

“You know he was just joking,” Ryan tries again, unsure of what to say here, “Ned isn’t funny when he’s drunk,” he mumbles. He hated being so useless in this situation. It was always Shane comforting him over something and it was barely ever the other way around. Shane carried himself with such nonchalant confidence that demonstrated his lack of care for what anyone else thought of him. He was so secure in who he was as a person. It was something Ryan always admired in him and wishes he could have for himself; the ability to not give a fuck what someone else might think. Sure, Ryan would have to step in sometimes and assure Shane that jokes were funny enough to be added to scripts or he’d have to lift his spirits if Shane didn’t like his shirt as much as he did before he left the house, but this seemed like an actual punch to his self-esteem.

They all received their fair share of hateful comments over the years about all parts of their physical appearance. Similarly, they all learned to ignore them, realizing that’s just the way of the world - of being a content creator - and it did no use to read those comments, let alone let them bother you. However, Ryan supposes it wasn’t always that easy.

Shane was good at scrolling past the bad comments and focusing on the good, perhaps it meant way more coming from a friend. A random person’s opinion online meant nothing, but this was someone who knew Shane for years. It had to sting.

Shane adverts his eyes, not once meeting Ryan in the middle. “Um, well. That’ll be a fun story to tell tomorrow, huh?” he again tries to play it off jokingly but there was no hiding his hurt. Ryan can’t remember a time when he’s seen Shane in such a state, it being a complete 180° from the smile he had on just a few minutes ago. It was like whiplash.

Ryan sighs and reaches out to rest a hand on Shane’s arm. “Shane,” he says softly. 

Shane quickly backs away like he’s been burned by Ryan’s touch and the fake smile is back. “I’m just gonna step outside for a minute. I’ll catch up with you later,” he nods assertively and walks past Ryan to one of their emergency exit doors.

“Hey, wait! Shane!” Ryan calls after him but the taller man doesn’t stop. He politely pushes past people who don’t look twice at him. He watches Shane disappear behind the door and he sighs in defeat. Dammit, Ned.

Ryan hesitates, not knowing what he should do, yet again.

Ryan anxiously watches two minutes go by on his phone before he follows the taller out of the door. That was enough time, he decided, for Shane to have a little self-reflection and the chance to take a breath. Now, he was going to insert himself into the situation. Sirens began to sound in his head. People try to stop him on his way out but he smiles kindly and says ‘just a moment’, that he had something to deal with first, and that he’d be back shortly. Walking out one of the emergency doors into the alleyway that separates the Watcher building from the building next to it probably made it sound like Ryan was doing a drug deal. He somehow thinks that would be less pressure than confronting Shane.

Hesitantly, he pushes open the heavy door and glances into the dark. Lights are coming from windows and a street lamp so it’s not completely pitch black, but it was certainly nighttime. When he steps outside, Shane is looking back at him while biting the inside of his cheek.

Okay, so Ryan wasn’t bad at giving advice, but he wasn’t great at it either. He didn’t even know what type of comfort Shane preferred the most. Coddling? Tough love? He would have to put all his money on one horse and hope he chooses the right one.

Ryan softly closes the door behind him, the music and sound immediately dampening and the light disappearing. He wants to wipe his hands on his jeans from how clammy they were. It wasn’t even particularly hot this time of year, teetering on warm, but the lack of sunlight made it chillier. It was currently the perfect temperature mixture of both and yet, Ryan was practically burning up.

Now that Ryan is face to face with Shane, what does he say? He could apologize on behalf of Ned over and over again but they both knew Ryan had no impact on what Ned said; it would be an empty apology. Shane probably didn’t even want a ‘sorry’ because Ryan was sure he already forgave Ned the second he spoke, seeing as the guy couldn’t keep a grudge for more than an hour. The sentiment would be present but it probably wouldn’t make Shane feel chipper again. Perhaps he should make a joke- but what was there to joke about? Maybe about how the scariest part of the night wasn’t going to be Ghost Files but instead was going to be having to clean this place up in the morning.

“Am I ugly?”

“I’m sorry?” he sputters out.

“Am I ugly?” he repeats in the same tone of voice. His face doesn’t change and he’s still looking at Ryan with a child-like curiosity, expecting Ryan to tell him the full truth.

They’re standing a few feet away in the empty alley. Shane’s face is lit up with just enough faint yellow light to see his expression and it’s one that Ryan doesn’t like. It’s uncomfortable, it’s anxious; it’s not Shane. He wishes he could wipe that look away and replace it with the beautiful smile he’s always known.

Ryan doesn’t even have to think about his answer: no. Shane was not ugly and he doesn’t know why he suddenly thinks he is, all because somebody made a stupid joke while drunk? It was so out of this world to Ryan - the idea that Shane could be ugly - that it was funny to him. What was next? Was hell going to freeze over or something?

A sudden exhale escapes his nose as Ryan faintly chuckles at the thought. His shoulders bounce happily while lost in his head. 

Shane’s eyes widen and his face turns sourly offended. He turns his body away from Ryan, towards the wall, too humiliated to face him. He stood tense and he looks down at his watch to distract himself. 

Oh, shit, Ryan thinks, realizing his mistake. He curses under his breath and takes a step forward, placing a hand on Shane’s shoulder. 

“No, no, I didn’t- I wasn’t laughing at you, dude. I wasn’t laughing at you,” Ryan explains, albeit poorly. Shane turns around and looks unimpressed and still hurt. 

“What, did a little moth fly by and tell you a joke in your ear?” he asks bitterly, not believing Ryan.

“No, seriously. I was just laughing 'cause well,” Ryan hesitates. He was happily married to a woman he loved and it was fine to tell your friend he wasn’t ugly because he was feeling down. There’s no reason that a butterfly should be fluttering around his stomach like this. “I think you’re handsome,” 

Shane’s face does something Ryan can’t describe, but it wasn’t bad. It’s confusion at first, maybe minor embarrassment, and then caution. It was like a roller coaster of emotions that flashed through his eyes in mere seconds. Ryan would’ve missed it if he had blinked.

“Well,” he starts, “as my best friend I guess you are required to tell me that, aren’t you?” he mutters but not maliciously. His voice drips with disappointment and Ryan doesn’t know why. Why was it so hard to believe that Ryan was enthralled by him? 

“I’m being serious,” he insists. 

“I appreciate you trying Ryan, I do. I just don’t think you saying conveniently exactly what I want to hear is gonna do it for me right now,” Shane says. 

Ryan rolls his eyes. Just as hard-headed as always. “Can you just take the compliment? You’re handsome . . . man. Really good-looking,” he says awkwardly, adverting his gaze. He gets so nervous when trying to compliment Shane. 

“Jesus,” Shane chuckles softly, still a sad look on his face, “can’t even be sincere,”

“Why are you being grouchy?” Ryan finally asks. He was trying here! Sure, it was a pretty grim attempt, but it was better than leaving him in the alley to get stabbed or jumped or poked with a heroin needle. 

Okay, they were actually in a fairly safe part of town, but still.

“Look, I’m sorry but hearing that I’m ‘handsome’ when you can’t even look me in the eyes is a bit disheartening. I’m not trying to be a dick but you just sound uncomfortable saying that. I’d rather hear the truth, Ry,” 

Ryan meets his stare and holds it with determination. It sounded like a challenge, and if there was one thing Ryan Bergara was good at, it was accepting a challenge. If he wanted the truth, Ryan could certainly handle that.

“Y’know,” Ryan starts, clicking his tongue. “I had a . . . really big crush- on you. Back in uh- a few years ago,” he admits.

Ryan can’t decide if his lungs are working properly until Shane says something and he’s been silent for about twenty seconds. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to release this breath he’s holding or if it’ll stay with him forever, content in his chest far into the future, far enough to see his grandkids and his eventual demise. Jesus Christ, Ryan begged in his head, say something, freak!

Shane blinks at him. “Really?”

It’s not good and it’s not bad but it’s enough for Ryan to inhale fresh, sweet oxygen again. Okay, so he wasn’t being yelled at- this was a good sign. All he had to do was maneuver the rest of this conversation and his pitiful confession carefully, all while maintaining this friendship and his company’s fate. Easy, right? 

It sure was a challenge.

Ryan nods and laughs because he doesn’t know what else to do. “Yeah! Liked the hell out of you, man,” he says delicately but with a smile. It almost sounds like a joke the way he says it and adds a platonic ‘man’ to the end.

“Are you serious, Ryan? I don’t need the pity, especially not this,” Shane questions. His eyebrows have creased again and his forehead appears to be more worried. His hands are coming out like he was trying to balance the situation with just his palms alone.

Ryan shrugs. “It’s not pity, I can assure you. For like . . . two years I guess.”

“Two years? Ryan when was this?” Shane exclaims.

“Started in 2016, till I met Mari,” Ryan replies.

“Ryan, I need you to swear to me you’re not pulling my leg. I promise Ned’s comment isn’t gonna affect me nearly as much as this will so please, swear to me,” he says.

Ryan gives a quick, firm nod. “I swear, Shane. Up and down,”

Shane just lets out a sigh and blinks for a minute. It seemed like he had a thousand thoughts springing through his brain and he was having trouble landing on one. He opens his mouth finally, “Why did you never tell me?”

Ryan wants to shrug again. He figured telling Shane about his past crush would be a quick ego-boost, not that it would turn into 20 questions about remembering his feelings from six years ago. It was overwhelming to finally be talking about this after so long- like the sudden wave of memories was going to pull him under. 

He never told Shane because he would’ve been such an asshole to tell his friend, who just got a girlfriend, that he had a crush on him. They were just starting and the last thing Ryan needed was Shane stepping back (being the second co-host to do so) because he was uncomfortable being around Ryan.

“I just didn’t think it was appropriate. You met Sara before I truly realized I had a big thing for you. I would’ve told you if you guys ever broke up but you didn’t and thought the longer it went the weirder it would’ve been so, I just never did.”

“Were you still with Helen for this?”

“I was,” Ryan confirms with a small nod.

“I thought you guys broke up because of her? That’s what you told me,” Shane says.

Ryan shifts on the balls of his feet. He was growing more sheepish with every question. He never told Shane he was ever even into guys and this is the congrats he gets? He certainly wasn’t expecting a cake but something other than the fourth degree would be customary. “Well, yeah, that’s true. But it’s also hard to be in love with someone when you have a crush on a guy you see every single day,” he says with a chuckle, trying to cover up his humiliation.

“Did she know?”

“No, no one knew. You and Jake are the only two people who know,” Ryan replies.

“You told Jake?” Shane asks.

“I had to tell someone and my best friend was obviously off-limits,” Ryan continues. “It was a very strange time for me,”

“God,” Shane exhales, rubbing his temple with one hand before looking back to Ryan. “And for two years?”

“Give or take, I never counted,” Ryan concluded.

“Huh,” is all Shane says. It’s the first thing that’s not a question in two minutes and it’s nice to not have something to immediately answer but it makes Ryan’s heart beat faster. ‘Huh’? What was he supposed to make of that? He blurted out this secret he’s been hiding and all Shane can give him is a grunt.

“Are you mad at me?”

Shane makes a confused face, “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because,” Ryan murmurs, “this is kinda a weird topic to bring up, given our . . . relationship statuses,”

“Ryan, I’d never get mad at you for telling me something that happened years ago. I guess it would be different if you still felt this way but you said after you met Mari . . .” Shane trails off, not finishing his sentence. He’s looking at Ryan, waiting for him to confirm, but Ryan just stares back at him with a closed mouth. The prolonged eye contact is uncomfortable enough for Ryan to push out a weak “Yeah,”.

Shane eyes him. “I mean, you don’t still feel this way? Do you?” he asks.

Ryan bites the inside of his lip in thought and looks up and away, just not anywhere near Shane. He puts on a thinking face because what the fuck was he supposed to say? He was already crossing a line, he knew that much. If there wasn’t a line at all then Shane would’ve felt better and told Ryan that it was sweet he had a little crush, but Shane seemed on the verge of fleeing from his confession so clearly, there was a fucking line.

He could lie, and it would be so easy to lie, but Shane knows him. God, maybe even better than Mari, he has no clue. Shane knows him and can tell when he’s lying about things; purposefully lying about things. If Ryan was playing a joke on him then Shane, more often than not, would fall right into it. However, if Shane was trying to get Ryan to talk about something, he was a complete goner.

He knew the way Ryan spoke, how the words fell from his tongue and twisted themselves into false truths. He could sense the way Ryan was avoiding eye contact while also trying to be nonchalant. With just the two of them standing in the alley and there being no excuse for Ryan not to say ‘no, of course not!’, he feared he was so see-through that he was becoming completely transparent to Shane.

“Um,” Ryan hums at a pitch higher than normal. He could wince at how bad of a liar he was.

“Ryan.” Shane deadpans.

“Yeah?” the other asks like he has no idea what Shane wants.

“What does ‘um’ mean?”

Ryan smacks his mouth and shrugs, “I’m not sure,” he nods along stupidly. 

“You gotta help me out here,”

Ryan looks at him and sees their friendship flash before his eyes in a matter of seconds. Shane stares back, waiting for a response. He sees when he first realized he fell for Shane, how one day everything changed for him. Shane used to just be a guy he worked with and geeked out with about movies and shows. A really good friend of his with whom he felt a strong connection, quickly became his best friend in all of California. Shane was a good guy who brought him a coffee if he stayed late in the office (who also stayed overtime to keep Ryan company, even though Ryan begged him to go home). He was polite and creative and had a stupid catalog of different impressions he could do, most of which were terrible.

And then the switch happened, and it was like Ryan left work on a Friday living a normal life, and by the time he returned to Buzzfeed Monday morning, his world had been turned upside down. Curse huge self-discovery late in life.

It was the start of the weekend and after everyone clocked out for the day, a few coworkers decided to meet up for drinks. Ryan and Shane were included in that and a group of about ten people poured into a nearby bar. They were in their twenties and like twenty-year-olds do, they got drunk. Two people -Shane and someone else, Ryan can’t remember who- volunteered to be the designated drivers of the group. Ryan had laughed at Shane, saying he was too old to party, and Shane just smiled, rolled his eyes, and told Ryan to get out of his face.

The drivers split the group up by the end of the night and Ryan was put into Shane’s car along with some of his friends. Nobody was stumbling or getting sick, but surely nobody else was safe to drive. Ryan was probably the worst out of all of them. His words were slurring and his giddy smile never went away. He sat in the passenger seat because he always sits in Shane’s passenger seat.

The taller drove his group home, making sure to wait until everyone got into their apartments safely before driving away. Eventually, Ryan was the only passenger left. He’d gone silent while listening to the quiet radio and watching the lights of L.A. out his window as they drove. Shane had asked him about wanting to get Taco Bell before they went to his house and drunk-Ryan swears he could’ve kissed Shane right then.

But no, his realization wasn’t over Taco Bell.

Shane takes him home afterward and follows Ryan inside, something he didn’t do for the others. Ryan asks him why and Shane says he needs to put out medicine for him to take in the morning. As he closes the door behind him and walks past the shorter to make his way into his bathroom, Ryan stands and watches him go and just fucking thinks for a second. He hears Shane walking around his apartment while Ryan himself hasn’t left the foyer.

His friend finds him a minute later and takes him to his room, chuckling something about how he felt like a maid when Ryan was drunk. He puts out a t-shirt and sweats on Ryan’s bed and leaves the room for him to change. Ryan looks around the dim space and noticed a few pills as well as a bottle of water sitting on his nightstand. The fan was whirring and it looked like his heated blanket had been turned on. Ryan could’ve cried, being drunk and emotional and all. It seemed like heaven and he changed quickly before practically collapsing into bed. 

Shane pops his head in and says he’s off for the night. Ryan sat up in his bed and said, “You’re very good to me,” matter-of-factly.

“Thanks, bud, I try,” Shane laughs. He didn’t mind being the sober one when his friends were always so nice when they were drunk. Ryan was the most emotional person he knew after a few shots and it was quite endearing.

“Can I have a hug?” Ryan asks.

Shane nods with an amused smile on his face and walks into the room, having to bend over a good bit to hug Ryan who was still in bed. But they made it work and Ryan pulled him as close as he could and pressed his face in his neck sternly like he was flustered (he was insanely flustered).

Then after he left, Ryan was left to sit in bed on his lonesome and dwell on the fact that he wanted Shane to stay. That funny guy at work who talked about history a lot and dressed like he got ready in the dark was no longer someone Ryan wanted to ‘just be friends with’ anymore. He had wanted to kiss Shane.

That Friday night was followed by two days he spent taking “Am I Gay?” quizzes followed by crying, in addition to jacking off. Needless to say, it was an unwelcome realization. Helen had been visiting family.

But today, he looks Shane in the eyes and wonders if their friendship would disappear if he told him. If he told Shane how not all of those feelings were gone, how they still festered inside him on the days when Mari was away. How it made him feel sick with guilt to face both Shane and Mari sometimes. He thought perhaps Shane would say this was it and cut their ties then and there. ‘It was fine in the past, Ryan, but this is too weird. I’m out,’ or something like that.

But then Shane looks worried because Ryan hasn’t said anything yet and it all comes back to him at once, swarming him in reminders of why he fell for Shane in the first place. 

Shane couldn’t hate him, no. He could set the man’s apartment ablaze and Shane would smile and say he was looking to move anyway. He’d only cross a line if Obi got hurt in any way. He was so sweet it gave Ryan lock-jaw; he could be honest with his best friend. 

“Part of me,” Ryan exhales shakily, “a really fucking small, minuscule part of me sometimes wonders about it.“ Upon saying this, Shane’s eyes widened a bit and Ryan scrambled to cover his tracks. “But Shane, I promise it’s not a big deal, okay? I’ve gone this long with no issues or weird feelings coming up, it’s no problem. It's- it's just something I felt that never really went away- fuck,” he was saying too much.

Shane takes a second to respond, understandably. He listens to Ryan intently, never once cutting him off or showing any emotion apart from intrigue.

“Ryan, I don’t hate you. You don’t have to apologize. Honestly . . .” Shane pauses, “at the time, the feeling was sorta mutual.”

Deadpanned, Ryan says, “What are you talking about?”

Tension leaves Shane’s face as he chuckles, sounding more like a sad laugh. Nothing was funny when Shane, the sunshine of every room and the brightest smile in all of California, looked upset. “We must’ve just missed each other, Ry. I thought you were so great when we met but,” he sighs, “you were obviously taken and things were getting serious with her. I tried to move on and I did. Similar stories I guess,” he shrugs.

“Are you serious?”

“Funny, isn’t it?”

“Holy shit. You wanted to be with me?” Ryan feels something hot in his chest. Perhaps it was a fire burning from how fast his heart was beating- or maybe it was a rope pulling on a feeling Ryan hasn’t felt in years.

“It kept me up at night,” Shane nods and laughs again the same sad laugh.

“I need to sit down,’” Ryan says suddenly, his head going light.

Shane’s instincts kicked back in and he quickly was at Ryan’s side, guiding him to sit on the ground against the brick wall. “It’s okay, we can sit down. Let’s sit down,” he soothes his friend. Ryan’s knees bend when he sits down all the way and he rests his arms over his lap. He wishes he had more water earlier, feeling dehydrated and worn out.

The ground is cold and hard but Ryan barely notices. He’s sure his pants are getting dirty from this but the state of his clothes was the last thing on his mind currently.

“Shane,” Ryan swallows dryly. His fingers feel so funny and his stomach is in knots.

“Ryan,” Shane mirrors.

“So, you liked me and I liked you and we never- and now we’re-”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. There’s no way we could’ve known, Ryan,” Shane kneels on the ground next to him and gets just above eye level, cursing his height. Ryan peers up at Shane and a lamplight frames around his head, casting a halo around him. It was mockery, wasn’t it? The universe sent him an angel six years too late and left him to deal with it. Tonight was the night Ryan got fucked by the universe. “You’re happy where you are today, aren’t you?” Shane asks softly.

“I’m happy with her,” Ryan confirms with the innocence of his twenties. He doesn’t like the way that if he were asked this fifteen minutes ago, he would have had no problem displaying his love for his wife tenfold to a crowd. Maybe even ten minutes ago.

“I know you are,” Shane says warmly.

“I would’ve been happy with you too,” Ryan murmurs.

Shane puts a hand on Ryan’s knee and ducks his head, sighing.

“Ryan, you’re hurting yourself,” and he’s right because goddamn does it hurt. This was the worst thing Shane could’ve ever said. He couldn’t think of a single worse thing that he could’ve done instead of this. Ryan would’ve much rather preferred Shane being disgusted with him and losing their friendship and everything they’ve worked for over this.

He hated Shane at this moment. 

No, he didn’t. But he told himself he did because Ryan wants to scream at him for the damage he was about to cause in Ryan’s life. He was drawn to Shane like a moth to a flame and the sunglasses he had put on over the past few years to avoid seeing his light finally broke off and all he could see was Shane. He wants to cry. He was fucking married.

“I know, I know. This is just kind of really hurting my head,” Ryan groans, putting his head in his hands.

“Yeah, it’s sure a lot to take in. Even after all these years. I’m glad you understand my shock now,” Shane relates, sounding far calmer than Ryan felt.

They crossed over the same timeline but missed each other completely. Ryan would gaze lovingly at Shane and then turn to answer his phone and Shane was secretly watching him too. It was that interaction but for- god, for years. They continuously turned a blind eye the second the other showed interest, completely missing each other in the process. Ryan wonders if this is the despair he’s feeling.

Mari was sweet and Mari was kind and Mari knew how to make him happy but Shane knew how to drive him crazy. He wonders if his entire relationship is built on denial or if he was just in some pretty intense shock. He loved her, he did. She was all he could think about just then. Well, nearly. She and Shane fought for his #1 spot on the brain and it was a draw.

In another life, he proposes to Shane or maybe Shane beats him to the punch and they grow old and gross together. It’s not this one, but Ryan knows they had a happy ending somewhere in space. Those wrinkles by Shane’s eyes were suddenly making Ryan ache with loneliness. They were going to age and Ryan wouldn’t be next to him every step of the way to see them change. It was ill-inducing.

“So when you moved on,” Ryan breathes, his fingers tying together. Shane watches him curiously, “you really did it? All the way?”

Shane looked at him with pity and sighed again. Ryan would give all the riches in the world to find out what that man was thinking at this moment. “Ryan, we shouldn’t be talking about this,”

“That’s not an answer.”

Shane draws his lips into a thin line, “I moved on enough,” he warned. Ryan takes the hint and averts his eyes, focused on the cracked brick on the other side of the wall. Shane didn’t feel that way anymore. Ryan was alone here, left on the island they were meant to share.

Shane’s chilly fingers inlaced with his own. Ryan saw a glimpse of a ship in the distance, coming for him.

“I’m happy with Sara,” he saw the ship go down, losing against the violent rhythm of the ocean.

Ryan sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance with himself. He wanted to groan and complain out of embarrassment for making himself look like such an incredible idiot and douchebag. “I shouldn’t have told you. Shit. I’m sorry,” he grunted.

“Don’t be. We’re only human,” Shane says, “If I had known how you felt back then I would’ve asked you out right away, or at least waited for you longer,’ he insists. Ryan looks up at him and squints his eyes at Shane, unsure if he could even picture that in his mind. It felt like such a heavenly thing, Ryan thinks it was truly unimaginable.

“Really? You would’ve?” he whispers weakly like he’s a candle dying out.

“Of course. As I said, I lost many nights of sleep thinking about you,” Shane hummed. His hand remained on Ryan’s knee, moving in incredibly slow circles to ground Ryan and keep him calm.

“You seemed to sleep just fine on overnight shoots,” Ryan says.

“That’s because you always hogged my side of the bed wherever we went so I-”

“I was scared!” he protested. Shane closes his mouth after being cut off and looks at Ryan with a fond smile. It was intoxicating yet also heart-crushing. Shane was looking at Ryan like he was the last good thing on earth and Ryan wanted to punch him for it.

“I didn’t mind,” Shane whispers, and he truly never did. He always said he was angry or annoyed that Ryan made him lose sleep, but it was nice to know that he was able to provide some sort of comfort to the little guy, even if the comfort was Ryan’s legs mixed in with his own.

Ryan looks away. “Shane, my head really hurts,”

“Do you want me to get you some water?”

“No, but I think I’m going to throw up,”

“Want me to pull your hair back?” Shane jokes.

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan shakes his head but his voice is playful. He thinks he might be numb. The shock has passed and he’s currently cycling through all of the stages of grief at once. He’s grieving; that’s truly what it is. He is mourning the loss of something he never had. It was like a celebrity dying that you loved but obviously never met before. The process was confusing, as he didn’t have any memories of being Shane’s boyfriend or Shane being in love with him, but Ryan feels as though he’s lost it when it was never even his, to begin with.

“Ryan,” Shane says softly, drawing Ryan’s attention back to him, “I need you to know that I’m not upset with you. It’s good that you told me.”

“And how is that?”

“Clearing the air is a good thing, even if it might not feel like it right now,” Shane assures.

It surely does not feel like a good thing at the moment. He feels like he just opened Pandora’s box and this is his punishment. “Yeah, my chest is aching,” Ryan laughs bitterly. 

“Mine too,” Shane admits. He finally moves and sits next to Ryan, back against the wall.

“Yours too?”

“Mhm,” he hums.

“Where do you think we’d be today if we timed it better?” Ryan asks. “Think we’d be together?” His voice is frail like he’s afraid asking will ruin their friendship, but he supposes that they’ve officially passed the point of no return. He has no idea where they were going to go from here once this conversation was done- whenever that was.

“I do,” Shane replies after a pause, nodding his head slowly and thoughtfully. “I think we’d be married,” 

“Wow,” Ryan says in awe, voice barely above a whisper. “Married? You and me?” and he wonders which one of them would wear white. Probably Ryan. He looked good in white, he knew this from his own wedding, the one he already had.

He imagines himself walking down the aisle and meeting a teary-eyed Shane at the end of it. He’d be so handsome, probably more so than usual, if possible. Ryan would cry because he’s a big baby and Shane would hold his hand. They’d say their vows; their promises to one another, and then they’d share a kiss to last a lifetime.

Ryan gets deja vu and is reminded he already did this and Shane is due in the next year. There was a nauseous feeling bubbling in his stomach over the guilt of it all. This is something people attended marriage counseling for, even got divorced over! And Ryan was going to have to keep it to himself until he met his demise.

“Yeah, us. A coupl’a shmucks shacking up. Obi would be your responsibility too though,” Shane looks at Ryan with a ‘gotcha’ expression and Ryan thinks if it meant he got to love Shane, he could love Obi the way Shane does.

Ryan begins to tear up once more. “Wow,” he whispers again.

Shane is quick to stop it, “Hey, Ry. Ryan, look at me. Don’t cry please, this isn’t worth crying over,” he reassures regretfully like he’s not sure if he believes it himself.

“I just feel terrible,” Ryan whimpered.

“About what?” Shane’s voice is so gentle.

“I’m going to go home tonight with Mari and still want to kiss you,” he says feebly. The confession hangs in the air for a moment. It was as if Shane had been holding out hope that Ryan would be able to bounce back from this and have this just be a conversation, but clearly, that wasn’t the case.

“Ryan,” he sighs. He can tell Shane feels bad for him, maybe bad for both of them.

“No.” Ryan asserts. “Don’t keep ‘Ryan’-ing me. How are you so calm about all of this?” he demands. It was unfair that he had to go through the emotional turmoil of all of this and Shane was going to go home to Sara and probably be like ‘you’ll never guess what Ryan told me today’ meanwhile, Ryan himself was dealing with the fact that he loved his best friend more than his wife.

“One of us has to be, right?” he says. “I’m not calm, I swear. I’m itching to hug you right now but I didn’t know if it’d make you cry more,”

“You can hug me,”

“Can I?” Shane asks.

Ryan nods once, “Please,”

Shane stands up and dusts his pants off. He holds out one hand to Ryan to help him up, who hesitantly takes it and gets to an upright position. Being on his feet feels weird and he wonders if the ground might crumble beneath him, but it doesn’t as Shane wraps his arms around Ryan.

Ryan’s dam is being held together by a toothpick.

They’ve hugged before dozens of times. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to hug after a shoot or when something did well. They were very touchy friends after years of close quarters, but it never felt like this.

Ryan was able to feel everything Shane couldn’t say through the beating of his heart. Everything he held himself back from confessing was stored in his chest and Ryan understood. Only one of them needed to fuck up their marriages, and since Shane’s hasn’t even started yet, it was only fair to give him the chance to walk away with no blood on his hands. 

They stood holding each other in the alley for what could’ve been days but Ryan knew was only a minute or so. He felt weak for not wanting to let go, but could you blame him? He had no idea what was to come after this, whether everything would be fine or if this was the end of his life. He was going to cherish whatever time with Shane he could find, dammit. 

Surprisingly, Ryan is the one to pull away first, knowing the longer he stays in the warm embrace of Shane, the more likely he was to never recover from this. However, Shane keeps an arm attached to his waist, separating their bodies but not severing his connection to Ryan. It seemed as though he was finally breaking too, and Ryan couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing anymore. 

Shane looks into his eyes, searching them. Ryan has a feeling creeping up his neck telling him to look away but he can’t. He was a magnet and Shane was metal.

The hand on his waist squeezes once and Ryan frowns. His eyes are still glassy and he bet he looks exhausted. But to Shane, he looked beautiful as always.

Shane was an honest and truthful man. Infidelity and cheating were two things never on his bucket list and he shamed people who did them; thought even worse of those who kept their mouths shut about it. It also turns out that tonight, Shane was a huge, giant hypocrite.

“Would you hate me if I asked to kiss you?” Shane asks. Ryan is surprised by this, sure that Shane was the one who was trying to keep them afloat. If Ryan had already dragged him down into the deep with him, he guesses he couldn’t swim back up now.

“I couldn’t hate you,”

“Can I kiss you, Ryan? Just once?” 

The alley was obnoxiously silent. Besides the faint music coming through from their building, it was completely quiet. The street was vacant of both cars and wandering people. It was Shane holding Ryan in the center of the universe and he couldn’t breathe. He should say no. He needs to say no or else it’s going to cause everything in his life to fall down. But Ryan Bergara is a weak man, and if Shane told him to step off a bridge, he would jump.

“Is this a good idea?” he asks, knowing the answer but hoping Shane would lie to him anyway.

“No, probably not,” Shane answers honestly. His confidence falls as he sees Ryan’s hesitance. They both stand there and wait for someone to say something; to move this along.

Ryan knows that this was the end of the line. He’d either tell Mari or he’d live the rest of his life in secrecy, probably withering away day by day at the guilt that ate him alive. He might as well remember the end of it all fondly.

“Just once,”

Shane uses his free hand to come up and place itself on Ryan’s cheek. He looks up at Shane like the climax of a movie seen, eyes peeled, not wanting to miss a single second of the screen. His hand is cold as ever and his thumb pets his cheekbone softly, right under his eye. Ryan leans into the touch without even thinking about it. The end; this was it, he could feel it.

Shane is practically unreadable at this point. Ryan can see the internal battle he’s having with himself in his head, probably similar to the one Ryan has. Two sides tore between love and lust, screaming so loud at each other that you couldn’t even focus on one and were only able to move on your own instincts. Their instincts brought them directly into each other.

He glances over Ryan’s face one more time as a silent ‘are you sure?’, and instead of responding, Ryan steps on his tip-toes and presses their lips together

And in that split-second, it’s all worth it. The pain, the guilt, the confusion; it all went away for the one minute they were together. The insufferable became tolerable as all Ryan could think about was Jesus Christ, he was kissing Shane. 

Shane cradles his face like Ryan was magnificent and he sure did feel that way. Ryan could’ve never imagined in his wildest dreams what kissing Shane would actually be like, but he’s not surprised in the slightest that it’s heavenly. 

Ryan sighs as all of the feelings of being twenty-six come flooding back to him. Shane’s hands are smooth and strong and were holding him as if Ryan was going to fly away at any second. He could get high off the feeling of Shane kissing him, of their lips moving ever so slightly together, caught up in the romance of it all. 

The dream starts to fade as Shane begins to pull away and Ryan chases his lips for a moment, sealing one last kiss in before lowering himself and separating for good. Shane removed himself from Ryan’s body in any way and the two just looked at each other longingly. 

The sun will rise in the morning and Ryan will be left to deal with the consequences of his actions. He almost wishes he had gotten drunk and kissed a stranger rather than kissed Shane. At least then, none of these extra feelings would be involved. It would be easier to convince Mari to forgive him if he pleaded that he had no feelings for the stranger. With Shane, he couldn’t hide the fact that his heart was made to hold love for him and only him. He feels devastated.

“Shane-”

“Ryan-”

They say at the same time. Shane exhales softly before a sad half-grin appears. He motions for Ryan to continue first.

Taking a deep breath, he says, “I love-”

And then the side door swings open beside them. They both jump six feet out of their skin at the sudden noise and back away from each other a bit. Looking between each other quickly, their eyes finally land on Sara, who had her phone in her hand and was looking at them with a dopey smile.

“There you guys are! Someone said I’d find you out here!” she says excitedly before walking up and hugging Shane tightly. He doesn’t miss a beat, as if Ryan wasn’t about to tell him he loved him, as if they weren’t just sharing a kiss, and hugs her back, pecking her forehead. Ryan really has to throw up. “You weren’t answering your phone, silly! I’ve been looking for you two goofballs for like half an hour!” she says.

Shane says something about his phone being off and them just getting some fresh air and Sara doesn’t bat an eye. She walks over and hugs Ryan too, who awkwardly accepts it. He pats her back while facing Shane, who is looking at the ground with his face sunken in, eyes empty.

“It’s so good to see you, Ryan! How was the honeymoon!” she asks once she pulls away.

“It was beautiful. The water was perfect,” he responds simply. She smiles bashfully at him. He fake-grins back before walking over and grabbing the door, opening it. The music is loud inside and it seems people have gotten drunker than before- Ryan might just go follow in their footsteps.

“So, I’m gonna go get plastered,” he says as a joke (meaning it with every atom in his body) and Sara chuckles. The one thing he didn't want to do that night was all of a sudden sounding irresistible. Ryan feels bad for her. “You guys want anything while I’m in there? Open bar,” he changes his voice to sound happy and teasing. He wants to cry.

Shane shakes his head, still looking anywhere but at Ryan, and Ryan’s heart clenches. 

They would never go back to normal and everything they’ve ever worked for would disintegrate into ashes before his eyes. He was so happy at the beginning of tonight.

“Oh, I’ll grab something later! Thanks though!” Sara answered sweetly. Ryan nods at her and Shane looks up. They share one glance with each other, a silent, what have we done, and Ryan walks inside.