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An aroma of fruity cocktail, lavender, and some of the cigarette smoke from out the back wafted through the Saint George, the Mancunian queer night club hosting Drag Race UK watch parties with some of the contestants. The seats were packed with a mix of the motley group of regulars and a few people who decided to come just for this week’s headliners, Ella Gonza and Connie Vers. Ella Gonza was Elle Argent by day the lead designer from one of the top fashion houses in London, Caustic. She specialised in future punk streetwear that could be worn by everybody. Connie Vers was Charlie Spring, a 24 year old barista and relatively new to the Kent drag scene. Despite this Charlie was locally renowned for his rapid dance moves and stunts as well as being the beloved host at Flog, his home bar, due to his ability to shut down homophobes, homosexuals, and overly exuberant hens with a well aimed barb.
As the floor lights of the Saint George dimmed, the familiar chords of You Don’t Own Me start echoing through the sound system. The spotlight quickly finds our hostess, Carrie the Greene Fairy. Her U.S currency-coloured cocktail dress hugged her breast plate tightly. The glistening crystal beading accentuated her curves, A silver faux-fur stole sat delicately over her bare shoulders.
She strolled across the stage and then into the audience, lip synching to the Leslie Gore hit and collecting tips from the audience members. Her sharp visage had the right eyebrow pencilled higher to give the illusion of looking simultaneously amused and annoyed. Her cheeks were highlighted with a silver shimmer and her lips were painted to give an ever-present sneer. She returned to the stage, wrapping up the song and sending Bertie backstage with the tips.
“Thank you for coming out to Saint George, my little chickens, for this week’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK. I’m your hostess, Carrie the Greene Fairy, and there are rumours on the subReddit that we got a proper romantic episode tonight. Awwww. Can everybody say Awwww?”
The audience “awwww”s back to Carrie.
“Tonight we invited Ella Gonza and Connie Vers to share their memories and the real backstage stories from the season. Last week Connie had a bit of a showdown with Donna Noah. It was a sudden reversal from Connie's unrequited pining from the previous episodes. I hope she spills a little bit of tea on what happened there. Ella killed the Snatch Game with a hilarious Beyonce impression. Who knew that it could be done?!? Please welcome to the stage, Connie Vers and Ella Gonza!”
RuPaul’s Cover Girl starts playing through the sound system.
Ella Gonza shimmies out in a lilac mack coat that stops right below her hips and long straight leg cream-coloured trousers. Her mint green pumps are the exact shade as her buttons and her glasses. Her mod-inspired jet black wig has severe bangs in the front and looks chic as it falls flat to just below her shoulders. As she makes her way to the stage, she keeps glancing back to where she entered. Carrie is looking that way expectantly and increasingly exasperated. Ella and Carrie approach each other making sure to give air kisses to not smear their makeup. Ella then settles into her chair looking a little uncomfortable.
Carrie turns to Ella and moans, ”Hello, doll! I was expecting two of you tonight. That’s what we have on the flyer and the website and said on the Tiktok! It was well rude of him to skive off.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Ella replies. “Connie told me a couple hours ago that she was on her way, but she was having a rough day today. I haven’t heard from her since, though.”
“Having too much fun last night at Coquette?” Carrie grumbles.
“Yeah. Something like that.” Ella answers coolly, before brightening her voice. “However, I am here and if I am the only performer after the show it looks like all the coin will be mine!” She looks at a short man, sitting nervously in the audience. “You too, my pet.”
“I see that you’re a glass half-full kind of woman. It looks like we’re a minute away from show time, do you have any tea to share about the Donna-Connie sitch?”
“I do not. I do have to say that I was so excited to win the Snatch Game and that trip for two to Menorca. At least Connie and I didn’t take part in that tragic lip-sync. RuPaul sent both of those queens home Oh look! The show is starting!”
The stage lights dim, the sound of the show pipes through the speakers while everyone turns their attention to the screens.
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We open with a montage of clips from the previous episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK
RuPaul holds a thin microphone tightly, standing to the left of two rows of contestants. He is male-presenting in one of his signature Zaldy suits; this one with warm oranges and browns, reminiscent of a 70’s game show. They are lavishly dressed for celebrity impersonation as a parody of the old Match Game TV show: “It’s the Snatch Game!” RuPaul announces. //
A contestant named Madam Atom is dressed up as Baby Queen, wearing a paint-splattered jumpsuit as she accidentally merges confuses her lyrics with Twisted Sister’s: “Because her life’s a mess and she’s not gonna take it!” //
Ella Gonza is seated as Beyonce, wearing golden dress from Hold Up with a baseball bat on the table in front of her: “Is this my camera, RuPeter? Crazy in Love is my new perfume for all the eternally single ladies, like Ginger with the good hair.” (Ru cackles! Donna Noah as Ginger Spice glares! Connie Vers as Baby Spice giggles!) //
Another contestant called Fillet Gio is dressed up as Michelle Visage (a co-host on this very televisual programme), wearing a tight black leather top that barely covered a massive breast plate that she’s violently shimmying: “Because I litch didn’t get rid of my boobs after all! Jersey baby!” //
Two contestants with the stage names of Donna Noah and Connie Vers are in a corner that the camera can barely see. Connie is in an oversized yellow knit jumper and black skinny jeans. Donna looks like he is in a J. Crew advertisement with a fitted sea green polo, tan khaki shorts and red boat shoes”
“ …are you finished sulking about it?” Donna grumbles at Connie
Connie shoves Donna and walks off camera. “Do not touch me!” //
A female-presenting RuPaul, adorned in a golden dress and a honey-brown wig announces the winner of the episode and who will be going home after a very tragic lip synch.
“Condragulations Ella Gonza! You win this week’s challenge. Fillet Gio and Madam Atom, you don’t even deserve a sashay away with that performance. Bring me the axe. //
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As noted on screen, it’s the next day in the soundstage area where the contestants plan for the week’s challenges, prepare their outfits and makeup for the runway. This is known as the Werk Room. Its faux bricks are a garish pink with a wonderfully tack gold trim. On the right side is a long table made to look like a backstage vanity area, with exposed lights, large mirrors and stools. In the back are racks of the contestants’ clothes and wigs. In the middle area of the back is an entrance that the contestants are passing through.
Donna Noah walks out in front of everyone stomping like it’s a runway. He is wearing long white trousers, a sailor top, and a navy neckerchief. A comically small sailor hat tilted to the right sat on his swoopy brown hair. At the end he spins.
Everyone behind him enters the workroom hand in hand and with smiles, ignoring this hopeless case. Frank Lima-Deere is wearing a loose yellow kaftan that has a large pattern of pink flamingos. Bejewelled Gucci sunglasses sit on her blond hair that has large chaotic orange, red, and pink dots. Connie Vers decided his outfit needed to represent two of his loves, dogs and music! His white chemise is covered in gigantic black musical notes and his trousers had a fun black and white dalmation print. Ella Gonza has a more relaxed look today, draped in a magenta sundress with a large patent leather belt.
As they all gather around one of the work tables in the middle of the Werk Room, Ella addresses the two elephants missing from the room, “I don’t even know if Fillet and Madam are alive. There wasn’t a message on the mirror from either of them.”
Connie nervously laughs. “I doubt they would actually be able to off them. I was just lucky that two gals were worse than me so I didn’t have to lip sync a third time. But, why did they both have to go home?”
“I think this makes this the semi finals? I mean, unless they don’t send anyone home this week,” says Frank Lima-Deere.
Donna gasps. “I would be so pissed if Mama Ru didn’t get rid of one of you this challenge”
Ella Gonza rolls her eyes and glares at Donna. “It sounds like you have someone in particular you want gone. Spill the tea”
Connie tries to school his face as Donna sputters,”Uh…he can send all of you hoes home for all I care!”
Suddenly flashing red lights and the sound of sirens surprise everybody standing around the table as they hear RuPaul’s Disembodied Voice say her very odd catch phrase: “She done already done had herses!”
The contestants run to the monitor to see RuPaul in Drag from the shoulders up. “Do you consider yourself an athletic supporter? Can you skate your way to victory? Worried about balls flying at your face? Stop flipping out and you might hit the landing. I’m just wondering who is the Venus to your Sirena?”
These doyens of drag glance at each other confused by what seemed to be a weird mix of questions as they try to figure out what this week’s challenge would be. Donna muses that it might be a 90’s comedy movie challenge. Frank however thinks it sounds more like a sport thing.
Connie is perplexed about whether the challenge would be about the movie Twins. “Is Arnold Schwarzenegger coming?” he queries with hope in his eyes.
“I’m always up for a makeover challenge. I excel at transformations!” Ella declares to everyone
On the left side of the Werk Room a door swings open and RuPaul, sporting a turquoise Zaldy suit, descends the steps with spritely footwork. “Hello! Hello! Hello, my Space Kettles!”
“Hello, Ru!” The excellencies all holler back.
“Today we’re sprinting past the mini-challenge right into our maxi-challenge, because the Brit Crew loves puppets, too…much. I’m looking at you, Edward!
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In an interview cut-away we have Frank in a graphic unitard and a fedora. “I always thought Edward looked like a kinky little minx”
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Ru continues, “Today’s maxi-challenge is the makeover challenge. Our alphabet family is represented in every job and every industry! That includes sports! We have chosen some of the UK’s best queer athletes to be made over by you!”
“Bring on the adoniseseses!” Ru demands as the doors swing open and 4 athletes across the gender spectrum walk into the workroom. The first is a gorgeous woman with beautiful frizzy hair, deep brown eyes, and the confident stride of a medalist preparing for a floor routine. The graphic on screen introduces her as Tara (Gymnast - 25) Frank’s quixotic eyes betray something. Recognition? Lust? Gas?
The next athlete who strides in is a tall man with glasses and wild hair wearing a holiday jumper that should be much too hot for a day of filming under the sweltering lights. He's Michael, a 28 year old former speed skater. Behind him a stunning individual with a lithe frame sauntered in, rather androgynous features, and a fierce shredded leather jacket and tight dark blue jeans. Fyre is the world's top tennis pro despite only orbiting the sun 22 times. They had the confidence that comes with truly learning and loving oneself. Donna looks a little flustered by Fyre and he doesn’t know why he feels so many conflicting emotions.
Last but not least an astonishingly robust hunk stomps in, clad in an unbuttoned leaf-patterned short sleeve shirt with cuffs over a snug white t-shirt. Nick the 26 year old Pro Rugby player who is wearing bird-egg blue chinos that left no question that the encased legs belonged to a rugby player at the top of his prime. He wouldn't need much padding for an already juicy backside. His reddish-blonde hair framed his soft brown eyes and enormous grin. Connie gulps as he stares at the inflated arms, broad chest, and thick thighs.
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Another interview cutaway has Connie Vers sitting in an oversized fluffy colourful jumper, with heavy eyeliner and huge earrings underneath, and an unruly mop of curly hair: “How the hell did they get bloody Thor on this programme?!?”
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Ru explains to the contestants that they have to turn their partner into their twin, while incorporating their sport into the look. On top of that they are required to do a choreographed performance together. “Meet your athletes! Introduce yourselves, especially you with the thick ass.” Nick’s ears start to turn pink.
“I’m Fyre, I won the 2024 tennis singles Olympic gold medal in both Men’s and Women’s. Fuck the binary!”
“I’m Tara. Retired gymnast after winning the 4 gold medals in the 2016 Olympics in gymnastics! Let’s be honest, I’m so excited to be here!”
“Hi! I’m Nick. No gold medals, but I’m the Fly-half for Saracens, leading them to victory in the Championships, 3 years running by the way. Drag me to heaven!”
“My name is Michael. Speed skating medalist, in 2018 and 2022. I think it panned out alright.”
After getting through by the skin of his teeth in a couple challenges, Connie is nervous. While he has a good eye for what works, his sewing skills are weaker than the others’. Three weeks earlier, after an abysmal attempt at a train for the Ball challenge, he lip synched for his life, Luckily he performed a killer routine to Want Me and sent Lizzilla packing. Connie was known for matching Baby Queen’s energy in his small hometown club. Lizzilla completely flubbing their wig reveal didn’t hurt Connie Vers either. Could be worse, he could have been part of the double elimination last week. That’s what you get for making Mama Ru fall asleep to a Diana Ross song. She was fracking pissed and Ms. Ross was right there.
Ru announces to her drag dolls, “Ladykins, since there’s no mini challenge I’m going to choose Frank to assign the partners. They’re a messy bench who loves the drama, so I’m expecting good TV!”
Frank imagines different scenarios as they eye their competitors and the athletes across the way.
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Donna Noah is wearing a stylish tight fitting paisley button down, looking like the man who you would hate-fuck forever as his interview outfit: Shit! I’ve never been screwed by a lesbian before! Mother always said my mouth would get me into trouble. I just didn’t think it would be from words.
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Connie was looking at the athletes in front of him. Fyre is his best option. They have a very similar body type, height, and style. Maybe he’d only have to make some minor adjustments to the jumpsuits he brought along. Michael could work, too. With Tara, he could figure something out if he needed, too. The girls always helped each other out at his club so he was able to work with a range of skin tones. But Nick? That would be tough. First, he had that gorgeous scruffy beard! Connie would also have to make something from scratch as he had nothing he could alter that would fit Nick’s juicy thighs that could easily hold up his body whil-
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Frank cries out from her interview chair: I have the pooooweeerrrrrr! Meddling powers activate!
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Frank takes Michael over to Ella, who immediately appraises him with a steely gaze. She then nods in satisfaction. “Love you, babes!” The camera gives a barely perceptible wobble as it focuses tight on her face.
“Of course, darling!”
Frank glides back to the remaining athletes and gives their hand out to Tara. Tara returns the gesture with an exaggerated curtsey. Frank kisses her on the hand while wiggling their eyebrows, before leading her to their spot. “Wait here, m’lady.”
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Ella: It looks like Frank is going to play favourites. Fyre would look so good with Connie and Donna certainly can’t handle a man like Nick.
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As Frank skips over to Fyre, Connie’s face relaxes a bit. Frank looks to Nick, who tips his head to the side and gives them pleading eyes. Frank’s eyes soften before tightening up in a mischievous gleam. They turn to Fyre and give a quick nod, who returns it. They’re on the same page. They hold hands and walk over to Connie as Nick’s face crumples a little.
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Connie: I could do a singles match with Fyre. We'd make a great team
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When they reach Connie, Fyre smiles slyly. “I’m sorry Connie. I don’t want you to get burnt,” Frank trills as Fyre blows Connie a kiss. Donna’s and Connie’s eyes blow wide in shock and confusion as Frank quickly ushers them away from Connie and over to Donna. “Say thank you, Frank Lima-Deere.”
Donna grits out “Thank you, Frank Lima-Deere.” A blush spreads over his face as it can’t decide between his usual RBF, a shark-like grin, or wonder as he stares at his partner.
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Connie: Shite!! I thought we were friends, Frank. What can I do with strong rugby arms? I mean other than…you know…
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Nick stands with a dumbfounded smile like he just got kissed in the middle of the rain. He looks back with kind eyes at the contestant who currently doesn’t have a partner whose curly hair hangs a bit in front of his mesmerizingly blue eyes.
With a cackle in their throat, Frank brings Nick to Connie, “I know he’s a little big, but he’ll ride up with wear.” Connie and Nick both blush crimson while Frank mimes tucking pulling and using some tucking tape.
"......"
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
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Connie: Helllooooo, Nurse!
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Nick: …no, his dimples! Wait, you normally don’t interview the guests.
Producers: *snickering in the background*
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Maybe it ends like this?
—-- TV screen turns off in a cozy apartment. ----
“Niiiick!”
“Are you sure you want to watch this? We know how it ends.”
“I didn’t know they interviewed you.”
“Maybe they interviewed the other athletes too….?”
“Give me the remote, Nihihihick! Puhuhuhut me dowowowownnnn!”
Or is this what really happened?
“Hi, hoes! Miss me?” Connie Vers yells out to the Saint George’s crowd from the back of the bar. “I’m on my way up! Excuse me. Pardon me. EXCUSE YOU!”
Connie strides through the side of the audience making her way towards the stage. She is wearing a tight fitting strapless dress with a colour-blocked pattern of purple, pink, and indigo, too. She wore pink stiletto pumps and a big honey-blonde beehive wig. She briefly catches her toe on the steps, but just barely wobbles as she makes it to the top of the stage.In the stage lights, the audience see her marine eyes, with lids dusted with pink eye shadow, and large purple hickey on the right side of the neck.