Chapter Text
Romance.
What an odd word.
Tsukasa had looked at the dictionary definition countless times, trying to equate its meaning to the value it held in society.
‘A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love’... was love, for those who felt it, not an exciting thing in itself? Seeing your siblings light up, shining like stars as they gush about something wondrous in their day? Or watching your troupe mates sway across a stage of their making, everything upon the stage being a snippet of their soul, and every reaction within the crowd making such effort worth it? Even watching your underclassmen, who otherwise shoot you wary looks, seek you out as somebody to lean on when it's necessary?
Is that not a feeling of thrill? Fizzing through your system until it reached the top of your body and overflowed, pouring from your mouth in the form of loving affirmations? Perhaps even screams?
The fact that the excitement of love was so often synonymous with romantic love confused Tsukasa.
But what confused him more was the ‘mystery’ aspect… love was no mystery. He knew what love was, and he knew when he felt it.
At least… he thought he did.
He wouldn’t have sought out the definition if he was 100% sure, huh?
Love wasn’t the mysterious part.
What was a mystery was why, when it came to somebody he truly believed he loved romantically, dubbing their affection together as romantic made his skin crawl. Every fiber of his being seemed to shift out of place, crawling like a bug. Not to mention the sickening feeling that bugs often gave him, emerging every time he did something dubbed romantic.
It was strange. Truly, truly strange. He had wanted to do these things with this person for so, so long. Staring at their lips when they spoke, sometimes unconsciously. Admiring their every feature when they weren’t looking. Holding their hand as they walked together, kissing it as a greeting, and pulling them close for a hug when they departed.
But he didn’t get the racing heart. He didn’t get the butterflies, nor that weird sickly feeling consuming him. His body didn’t heat up, turning him all shades of red as he possessed the capacity to heat up the entire room. His hands didn’t clam up, he didn’t stumble over his words.
He didn’t get that.
Nothing spoken of in romantic fiction matched how he felt.
But… it wasn’t like he was looking at a friend, either. To dub this person ‘just a friend’ felt wrong upon the tongue.
Why did his skin crawl at both concepts?
And why had he only just begun to pay attention to the insects within his flesh?
Willful ignorance wouldn’t define it well enough. Because it wasn’t willful. He truly, honestly believed that a romantic relationship was what he desired. Clearly, he had been wrong.
Unfitting of Tsukasa, truly.
The definition of romance didn’t align with how he felt towards Rui Kamishiro.
But the definition of friend didn’t, either.
And he had to tell Rui. How, though? How could he phrase “I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you anymore but please don’t just be my friend” without sounding like an utter… buffoon?
For starters, it would likely ruin Rui.
But remaining in a relationship when he lacked romantic feelings towards Rui would ruin him, too.
Either way, this lack of romantic feelings… It felt like a curse.
Why couldn’t he like Rui that way? Why did he feel so wrong, as if he were playing a role he had not practiced for? Performing as if his face had unwittingly been decorated with clown makeup, making the crowd laugh with his idiocy while he remained clueless to the nature of their cackles. Sobbing as the white paint spilled down his face, being the face of a joke he had no awareness of. Dubbed a laughing stock to everybody he knew.
And there, in the centre of the crowd, stood the one he wanted to love in a way he couldn’t .
A performance all for him. A performance that received a spit on the ground and a scowl. A performance upon a stage of traps, considered part of the show, yet with every misstep the metal thrust deeper into his skin.
As the curtain fell, shrouding him from the view of the crowd, all he could think was: I was doing everything I was supposed to, so why did everything go so wrong? I love him, don’t I?
He did love him, yes.
Nobody else seemed to see it but him, though, in this envisioned nightmare scenario.
Holding his head in his hands, hoping to rid his head of these thoughts, he contemplated his options. Texting Rui and asking him to speak in person at some point, while being the most logical decision, was simultaneously the most daunting one. Tsukasa didn’t even understand how he felt. How in the hell was he going to phrase it in a way that Rui would understand that wouldn’t entirely destroy their existing relationship?
No. Before he even opened his phone, he had to figure out his words. He had to wrack that brain of his, forcing it to think before he acted for once in his life.
So, head aflurry, he reached for his notebook. Emu had gifted it to him one day, telling him to use it when writing show ideas, and she had decorated it in glittery stickers of unicorns and rainbows. The least she could have done is get a pegasus sticker instead of a unicorn… Nonetheless, Tsukasa had used it to scribble down random show ideas that came to him, as well as snippets of dialogue he otherwise had no place for. Skimming over the pages that had more… unsightly scribbles upon them, ones that outlined a fear of failure and imperfections he absolutely did not possess… he eventually found a blank page. The linings upon the page had indented words from the previous page, following his previous burst of inspiration.
Unfortunately, he hadn’t come to this notebook for inspiration.
It would be wrong to say he was scripting what to say to Rui… but he was writing down what he needed to address… the two suggestions weren’t synonymous, okay?! Spare a confused man and don’t hurl your stones yet!
Though, even pleading to the imaginary audience watching his every move didn’t free him of the guilt seeping through his body. Not only at what he was having to figure out, but the fact it had to be figured out at all.
What I know:
Off to a great start, it seemed, for after writing such a headline, Tsukasa realised he knew nothing at all. Pen clicking against the desk, the click click click echoing through his bones, the speed seemed to increase as the thoughts in his head did, too.
- I love Rui.
- I’m not romantically in love with Rui.
- But I am in love with Rui???
Wow. Three points that maintained his confusion. Really helping the purpose, here.
- I want to be with Rui, but not romantically? I think? But not just friends. I think.
Once again! Nothing helpful!
Throwing his pen to the desk, he realised that not only was such calculation not helping at all, but it was oddly uncharacteristic. This star catapulted himself into messes with pride, lacking calculation but making up for it through his trajectory speed into chaos!
Not the most feasible of choices, sure, but thinking surely wasn’t a good choice for him either!
His hands clambered for his phone, placing his index finger against the fingerprint sensor a few times. Vibrations indicating rejection made his blood boil - technology, being such a disastrous creation, was holding him back! Being held back meant he had to think, and he had just mentally established how thinking about this specific scenario only worsened his understanding. He’d rather have a vague summary than nothing at all.
Eventually, his phone let him in. The home screen of him and his two baby siblings smiling back at him made him feel slightly uneasy.
Would he be disappointing them too? Not being somebody they could seek out for romantic advice, despite his role as their older brother?
Viciously shaking his head, to a point he had to hold it to ease the pulsing ache he caused, the thought flew out after a few shakes. As much as it pained him to think, his siblings didn’t exactly need him for romantic advice. Saki had her partners in Leo/Need, and Touya had Akito. If anything, he would have been the one seeking them out.
In fact, perhaps seeking them out for advice before speaking to Rui wasn’t such a bad idea. He placed his hand upon his chin, thinking of what to do first, before quickly flicking through his screen for his messenger app.
Message first, advice after. Pray Rui doesn’t instantaneously reply despite the awareness that he’s always instantaneous.
Tsukasa (21:14): RUI! Sorry to message you so late, but can I see you tomorrow morning! I have something very important to discuss with you!!!!!
Flinging his phone to his bed, he rushed towards the stairs. Even if Rui were instantly there, he didn’t want to see it just yet.
Rui (21:14): of course
Rui (21:15): is everything okay tsukasa-kun?
Unbeknownst to Tsukasa, the concern had already emerged.
“SAKIII!” Throwing himself down the stairs, Tsukasa hooked his hand around the banister and used it to spin himself towards the front room. As if it were a game of bowling, Tsukasa flew through at full speed, only taking a moment to trip over his own feet and collapse to the floor. The impact flooded the floor, and within the same second he fell, Saki and Touya had leapt up to help him.
Perhaps running on a wooden floor with socks on wasn’t the wisest of decisions.
“Onii-chan?! What’s the rush?” Kneeling by his side, Saki shook his body a few times to ensure he was still awake. With a groan, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Both his siblings stared down at him in anticipation.
“I was… hoping for some advice. From you two.” Though he carried no shame in seeking his siblings out like this, the admission of his intentions made his tone quieten with every spoken word. The final sentence barely emerged a whisper. Saki and Touya shared a glance - one Tsukasa failed to understand - and as Touya offered his hands to Tsukasa, Saki stood up and put her hands on her hips.
“You know, onii-chan, it’s not bad to ask for advice…” She watched as he rose, largely thanks to Touya’s pulling, and eventually reached a standing position once more. “We’d never judge you if you needed help. Humans don’t know everything all the time, you know?”
With a quick interjection, Touya mumbled, “Well, technically, we have a star for an older brother…”
“Stars aren’t omniscient, either!” Saki poised a finger gun towards her two brothers, one of which was rubbing the other’s back as the other maintained the grimace upon his face, “I learnt that word from one of your books, Touya! Did I use it right?”
“Yes, you did… but, if I may ask, since when were you reading my books?”
“Well… both you and onii-chan were reading genres like that, I felt a little left out…”
“I could have offered recommendations better tailored to your taste, you know literature is a large interest of mine-” Tsukasa cleared his throat, for while the discussion of literature was not only appreciated but encouraged in his presence, it held no relevance to his burning issue. They could absolutely discuss book recommendations after Tsukasa found out what in this good galaxy had gone so wrong with his feelings. “Ah, sorry, Tsukasa-onii-san…”
“It’s okay, really. I love hearing you talk about your special interests, but, I just…” Eyes falling to the ground, the shame remained as he admitted, “I really need to talk about this.”
“Well, we’re here to listen.” A reassuring reminder from his youngest sibling aided Tsukasa in lowering his raised shoulders. Guiding him over to the sitting area with his hand, Touya approached the sofa where they had previously sat. All of their plushies had been lined up in a sitting position, watching the soap opera with similar eagerness to their owners, and it pained Saki to shift them to the side as she also made her way over there. However, shifting them enabled space to be made, and as Saki sat down in her usual position, Tsukasa plopped down between his two siblings. Who continued to share confusing glances. Had he missed out on the psychic meeting or something?
“Tsukasa-onii-san… what’s bothering you?” Straight to the point, as always. Touya had never been one to beat around the bush.
“Ah, well…” he fiddled with his hands, not daring to look up. Since when had Tsukasa been… hesitant? Let alone nervous ? What an alien feeling! An ironic one, too, considering the nature of his discussion. “You know how Rui and I are… dating?” The word felt wrong in his mouth. Dating. It carried those same romantic connotations that, rather than giving him butterflies, gave him caterpillars in his lungs. Sweet creatures when they’re not nibbling at your inner tissue, mistaking it for a leaf.
“Yeah…? Why did you sound so hesitant when saying it? You’re happy together, aren’t you…?” Saki looked her brother up and down a few times, before frantically asking, “Did you break up?!”
“NO!” An instantaneous exclamation back. His defensiveness seemed unnecessary considering his intentions. “Well, uh… not yet, exactly.” Stumbling over his words once more, his vocal cords seemed to take a fall, for he blurted out, “I don’t think I’m in love with Rui in a romantic way but I’m still in love with him and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared he’s going to hate me and-”
“Tsukasa!” Another instantaneous exclamation, this time from Touya, making both Saki and Tsukasa jump. The shock was enough to silence Tsukasa, stopping his thoughts from spilling out of his mouth. The two siblings stared at Touya with widened eyes for a moment, waiting for him to continue. “Tsukasa… -onii-san. Please… calm down.”
“How can I be calm?! You dropped your honorifics trying to gain my attention!” Clasping his hand to his chest, Tsukasa’s tone inflected as he amended his posture. “Am I not your older brother anymore, Touya?!”
“Tsukasa-onii-san, please…” Saki lightly tapped Tsukasa’s arm, prompting him to drop the theatrics until after Touya said what he needed to. It would not be so easily forgotten though… being denounced as an adoptive older brother for such a reason… oh, the shock, the horror, the agony, the pain… “What I wanted to say is that… I think I might understand how you feel. Or, I might have a word to describe how you feel.” Despite his human anatomy, Tsukasa’s ears perked up as if he were an excited dog. In truth, Saki’s ears had perked up in equal anticipation for what Touya was going to add.
“When… When I was a little younger, around… over two years ago, maybe… I found the label ‘asexual aromantic’.” Both Tsukasa and Saki’s heads tilted, as if it would aid them in listening, while Touya fiddled with the ring upon his middle finger, “It was essentially not feeling romantic or sexual love. You didn’t feel crushes, you didn’t want to date people, nor did you find them hot or anything like that. The identifications can differ from individual to individual, but… those were my experiences, so I identified with the labels for a while.” A grin crossed his face as he continued, “But then I met Akito. And I developed a crush on him after we got to know each other… my first crush on anybody before. It was confusing, but the most confusing part was how… it wasn’t like what ‘crushes’ were described as in fiction or by other people. I didn’t get those feelings, but I knew in my heart that I loved him.” Tsukasa took in every word. “So I changed my label. ‘Demiromantic’. And I explained my identity to him- I came out to him, in better words, and I asked him if he would be comfortable adding romance to our pre-existing relationship. He told me he was in love with me, and we’ve dated ever since.”
“Wow… I had no idea you identified that way, Touya…” Saki mumbled, having taken in every word with equal compassion to her older brother. As she spoke, Tsukasa lay a hand on his chin, processing exactly what Touya had said. “Thank you for sharing that with us.”
“Of course. It’s not that I had no intention to come out to you guys - the opposite, in fact - I just…” He laid a hand upon Tsukasa’s arm, shaking it slightly as he continued, “I wanted to wait until it felt natural for me to bring it up. That is how I prefer to bring up my aroace identity.” Tsukasa remained silent, scarily so, rotating these newfound labels in his head as he barely heard what Touya then added, “Tsukasa-onii-san… How exactly would you describe your feelings towards Kamishiro-senpai?”
“I… don’t know, and that’s what confuses me!” Throwing himself up to stand, Tsukasa turned around to face his siblings. His hand movements almost seemed to speak for him, as they constructed a narrative that was somehow legible. “Because! I love him, I know I do! I wanted to be with him and I wanted to do things like kissing and hugging, but ever since we started dating…! I feel horrible when we do those things and I don’t know what’s gone wrong but I know he knows or he will know soon enough!” Saki glanced over to Touya, who had also taken to standing.
“Have you considered that…” He clasped Tsukasa’s hands in his, attempting to lower himself to eye level with his brother, “Have you considered you may be romance repulsed and aromantic?”
“Huh?”
“I… I will never truly understand how you feel, that much is true. But I can at least implore you to consider the identification.” Touya took a deep inhale, recounting his own experience once more to aid Tsukasa in understanding, “I, personally, am romance positive, for example. I am dating Akito, for he’s the only one I’ve ever felt what I would define as romantic attraction towards. You, on the other hand… you seem comfortable with physical affection and traditionally romantic things, but the moment those actions have romantic intention or connotation, your body and brain rejects it.”
“But… I was the one to ask Rui to date me.” It had taken him a week of courage and build up, fearful of rejection and poor wording on his end. Luckily for him at that moment, Rui swiftly accepted his feelings and declared him his boyfriend. He had never understood that day why his heart sank. “I… I don’t want him to think I was playing with his heart, or that I was using him to figure myself out…”
“But you didn’t know back then, onii-chan.” Saki stood up, joining Touya in holding Tsukasa’s hands. Tears formed in his eyes and it took all his strength not to sob into his siblings. “I may not get how you feel exactly, but I do know you well enough to know you would never intentionally play with somebody’s feelings, nor would you ever use them for your own benefit. I think you’d rather throw yourself into an open fire than even consider doing such a thing.” To that, Tsukasa chuckled a little.
“Kamishiro-senpai… it’s bound to shock him that you’ve had such a realisation. But it’s best to tell him now, rather than carry on with this awareness that you possess such romantic repulsion.” Stroking his thumb across the hands of both his sister and his brother, Touya added, “If he believes you were toying with him, that isn’t a reflection of your true nature or anything like that… I hope you know that.” By this point, the tears had already spilled from Tsukasa’s eyes. He threw himself towards his younger siblings, who caught him and wrapped their arms around him.
“I’m so sorry for being like this…” Through sobs, Tsukasa apologised . “I was just… I was so scared I was broken, that there was something deeply and truly wrong with me…”
“There’s nothing wrong. You’re still our older brother, no matter your sexuality.” Between gentle hums, Saki mumbled into his hair.
“I just… I didn’t know what to do, and you both seemed so knowledgeable, and I just…” His hands dug into their backs, pulling himself closer to them as the sobs grew too difficult to bury. Choking up sobs and choking up his heart. How amusing that he would have to do the same tomorrow morning, too.
Asexual aromantic …
He would have to research those labels before speaking to Rui.
Perhaps thinking was not the worst case scenario.