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everyone in sumeru knows of the terrifying executor of justice and leader of the matra, the general mahamatra. in association with the now reformed akademiya, the man is lightning-fast and merciless in punishing those who have sinned or committed crimes in the eyes of the law and sometimes his own moral standing. gifted by the gods an electro vision combined with a spirit dwelling with in him, it's no surprise that stories of his brutal and harsh punishments to wrongdoers spread quickly to everyone in the land of dendro.
cyno is his name of course. despite his scary demeanor and reputation, he was quite a handsome man. light brown skin with striking red eyes, and his face perfectly framed by his grey hair that falls elegantly just over his shoulders. to some, at least, there was no question that he would have at a few admirers just from his looks alone. not only because he was attractive though, but because that if you were innocent he was essentially protecting you and there would be no reason to be afraid unless you've done something deserving of his wrath.
his dedication to his job and his strong sense of justice were things some to could look up to. plus it's not like the general mahamatra didn't have any friends, and he certainly had his allies. he could get along just fine with most people, and especially people that shared his ideals. he was even close and good friends with the forest watcher and scholar, tighnari. the poor human-fennec hybrid would have to put up with cyno's jokes but it was clear that the two of them had a bond and could put up with his unfunny sense of humor.
you were always someone that was intimated by him, but always enjoyed the things you would hear about him regardless. you thought he looked nice too when you'd see him around, when he was deep in focus talking with his subordinates and charging on to take care of what was next. you had even heard from the traveler that he even liked playing the card game 'genuis invokation: tcg'
since the traveler seemed to be friends with most anyone (except the fatui and recently the ex-sages of course), they has also become acquainted with you. and paimon and them got to know you and learned how you like cyno. of course they explained and insisted that the general mahamatra wasn't as ruthless and scary as he seemed, and that you should try approaching him and becoming friends! and of course you knew you had nothing to hide from cyno. you weren't a criminal of any sorts, but you still found yourself very nervous around him as most people in sumeru are.
but after giving it some thought, you figured that it must be a bit isolating to have everyone be afraid of you like that, which made you sympathetic towards cyno. you'd certainly dealt with the feeling of loneliness plenty before, and once the traveler told you that he even makes really corny jokes in an effort to be less intimidating to others you decided to give it a shot. in your mind it was so sweet that cyno was trying to lighten the mood around his subordinates and friends - not to mention it really did amuse you to have the mental image of this serious and cold man saying cheesy jokes with a straight face. you definitely wanted to hear them from his own lips rather than the traveler's.
unfortunately, however, you remained rather shy around cyno... everyday, you'd try and hype yourself up. telling yourself today is the day you finally go up to him and just strike up a conversation. everytime though, you'd freeze up last minute when you'd turn the corner and see him in his usual spots around the city. you'd always give yourself some excuse - ranging from, what could you even talk to him about? would it be creepy to just go up to him and tell him you've been talking about him with the traveler? would he think you were just some weirdo bothering him? those thoughts truly did scare you cause even though he didn't really know you, you didn't want him to dislike you already.
you were so caught up in your anxiousness that you didn't even think of how cyno would notice you in these moments. were you so naive to think that he wouldn't? he had some of the most keen senses in sumeru, he'd felt your gaze on him the second you started to stare. and even when you would look away from him, he could tell it was only because you'd hesitated on doing something and were thinking. he never called you out on it though, he found no need. he knew you weren't a threat, but he was curious as to what you were doing.
cyno was often caught up in his work, and not to mention he never thought he'd have admirers. he sadly just couldn't find the time to go up to you himself and ask you who you were and if you needed him for something? he knew it most likely wasn't urgent - perhaps a more personal matter. but he also just wanted to see if you'd ever gather up the courage, he wasn't going to get mad if you interrupted him for a minute, even if he was called to a dire situation he'd just come back for you later. he was a little amused by your shyness, and he also thought you were quite gorgeous. unbeknownst to everyone, the general mahamatra also had an interest in you.
more time had gone by though, and cyno was growing a little bit impatient. he didn't have anything against you for not approaching him - no, he could never. he knew the reputation he had, and he more so felt bad that you were so frightened to do this. he began to wonder if there had perhaps been incidents in your past where people treated you unkindly? he wouldn't be surprised, almost everyone has faced some kind of adversity. still, he couldn't help but think about you and what your life must be like. he felt sympathy towards you despite not even meeting you properly, and he even began to think maybe you were just more... fragile, than others. yes, cyno was beginning to grow quite the soft spot for you. was that crazy? probably... still, he couldn't deny this growing feeling inside of him that he just wanted to protect you, as you seemed so innocent. was that really so bad?
anyways, this time was no different. you had spotted cyno near the adventurers guild area of sumeru city. this time you decided you'd go up to him and just explain how you knew him through the traveler and because you've been staying here for a bit, and to just be honest about how you feel about him as well, which was that you admired him and thought he looked cool! but once more you got distracted from your plan when you saw his piercing crimson eyes looking down at the ground like he was deep in thought. his arms were crossed as he was leaning against a random wall, and of course you stood there for a moment yourself to observe him.
the soft sunset was shining over him, perfectly framing his figure in a beautiful way and just making him look radiant. he usually wore light clothing as he spent a lot of his time in the desert rather than the forest section of sumeru, but it's not like you didn't mind the view... and of course you knew he wore warmer clothes when the time called for it. still, he was quite strong and his physique showed it. you clenched your fist and mentally groaned at yourself. archons, why were you so pathetic that you were thinking these things in the first place and then you didn't even have the courage to act on it? what was wrong with you?
when cyno looked up and saw you there, he couldn't help but smile a little. this had sort of become a weird routine for the two of you, hadn't it? even if you were oblivious to his involvement, he couldn't let this keep going nowhere for much longer.
"oh, hey there. can i help you with something?"
cyno broke the silence in the air, and started to walk towards you and waved to get your attention. you perked up hearing his voice, and when you got snapped out of your thoughts your heart dropped to your stomach.
'oh my god, he caught me staring didn't he?'
"n-no, no! i'm so sorry, i was just uh..."
crap, you didn't have an actual excuse, did you? and you felt like you couldn't even come up with anything in the moment either. cyno would know if you were lying regardless.
cyno however, chuckled at you, "you were just doing what...?" he teased.
and his tone definitely caught you off guard, causing your body to heat up from being flustered, sighing in defeat you replied; "well i just was um, going to try and talk to you actually..."
"mm, well lucky for you today's one of my days off." he stretched his back and legs before taking his place by your side, "let's find a better place to chat though, shall we? you never know who might be eavesdropping."
your jaw dropped slightly in shock hearing his words, but you quickly composed yourself, "o-oh, sure! of course, i would love that."
you softly smiled at him, and unbeknownst to you, that had the general mahamatra's heart racing. he cleared his throat and looked around, trying to decide a nice and quiet place where the two of you can go. he couldn't really think of anywhere he liked to be in the city or the desert for this kind of occasion, so he was just going to have to take you to his place he decided.
he turned to you and offered you his hand to take, "may i just lead you to my home to talk? it is getting quite late and i wouldn't want to leave you in harm's way."
you were surprised by his offer, but you nodded excitedly and giggled in joy, placing your own hand in his. this certainly wasn't the outcome you were expecting, but you were not complaining at all. this was going better more than you could have ever hoped! seeing him be so kind to you like this made you feel silly for being so scared of doing this before, and you had wished you'd just done this sooner.
he gingerly wrapped his fingers around your palm and you in turn held his hand back. he looked and you and gave you a quick nod to confirm that this was okay and began walking with you out of sumeru city to his home. you didn't actually know where cyno lived, obviously. you just knew he seemed to spend a lot of his time in the desert region, but while walking you noticed that he most likely lived on the border of both the desert and the rainforest, which made a lot of sense to you.
you knew he was associated with the akademiya, but maybe he didn't want to have a dorm there? he did seem like he didn't like all of the scholars there, except for tighnari, who also had his own place deeper in the rainforest. nonetheless, you thought his home from the outside already looked very cozy and lovely and just fit him.
he let go of your hand to open the door, holding it open for you and allowing you to view inside, "please come in and make yourself comfortable. i apologize for any messes, though."
"aw, don't worry about it." you smiled and reassured him, walking inside and waiting for him to come in behind you and shut the door. while looking around you noticed the place was in fact cozy, but small. he had a living room and one bedroom, but you weren't judging at all. he probably just didn't have a lot of people stay with him often, you were no different in that regard.
"here, let's take a seat." he gestured to the couch in his living area and sat down, and you quickly followed suit. sitting next to him but also making sure he had his own personal space and that you had yours. you kept your hands politely in your lap and made sure not to stare at him or anything in his home to hopefully keep him from thinking that you were judging him.
"ah, i just realized... i don't even know your name, do i?"
cyno chuckled lightheartedly, crossing his arms to get comfortable on the couch and glancing at you with a curious look in his eyes but a smile on his handsome face.
"oh! no you don't, i'm sorry i didn't introduce myself earlier." you apologized for your forgetfulness and rudeness, chuckling sheepishly in return to show you meant no offense to him, "i'm [y/n], and i just wanted to talk to you since i've heard great things about you from the traveler! i've always admired how passionate and hardworking you are, sir."
"[y/n]." cyno repeated your name, and it fell off his tongue so wonderfully. he always had such a soft and melodic voice in your opinion, "well, it's very nice to meet you and thank you for the kind words. any friend of the traveler's is a friend of mine. though, i'm very curious... what did you guys say about me? and please, there's no need for formalities."
you nodded at his request and continued on, "well... to be honest, i've been wanting to approach you for awhile and be friends maybe, but i never knew how to start a conversation. i'm sorry haha, but i'm happy to meet you now!"
'ahh... that all makes sense now.' cyno thought to himself. he never did worry that you were watching him with malicious intent, but it's also nice to know that you truly were just nervous and didn't think he was too scary.
"they even told me that you like card games and try telling jokes to people! i've been wanting to find someone who can teach me how to play tcg and i've also been dying to hear the type of jokes you make."
you were positively beaming while talking to him. you had been waiting for this moment for what felt like so long now and your heart was fluttering in your chest. cyno seemed really sweet so far, and even though your evening together had just begun you were having fun. and cyno had to admit to himself, he was liking the positive attention you were giving him. of course people respected him and he had acquaintances, but besides tighnari and the traveler he didn't have many close friendships outside of that. this is also the first time someone really wanted to hear his jokes, so how could he say no to you?
"if you want to learn how to duel, i'd be more than happy to teach you. i have a variety of decks and i can give you a beginners pack. just don't expect me to go easy on you after you've learned how to play," he had a competitive glare in his eyes, but his smile definitely wasn't malicious. it'd just seemed like cyno has been waiting for someone to have a friendly competition with for awhile, and you were happy to oblige for him!
"but, uh..." cyno's demeanor changed, and his eyes strayed from making eye contact with you over to the side in what looked like he was feeling a little shy now, "you really want to hear one of my jokes? people tell me that they're not that great, so i just hope your expectations aren't too high."
"aww cyno, of course i do!" you told him sincerely, and he looked back to you, "whether they're good or not, i'll still like them."
"mm... alright then." cyno held his chin in contemplation, trying to think of one of the best jokes in his arsenal to tell you. he wanted to go with what he considered one of his more clever jokes, so once he had one in mind he turned back you, and you could already tell this was going to be hilarious just from the serious look on his face.
"[y/n], do you know why you should feel bad for calendars?"
oh, this was definitely one you hadn't heard the punchline to. you did try to think of the answer, but nothing obvious was coming to you, "mm alright i'll bite... why?"
"because their days are numbered."
"oh my, i see!" you put your mouth in front of your hand in a polite manner and giggled. somehow, that joke just felt so him as his position as the general mahamatra. a joke that was a bit grim, but still humorous and clever.
cyno wasn't expecting you to actually laugh. maybe a pity 'ha ha' or a a monotone, 'oh, i get it.' or for you to laugh because the joke was so bad. but your laughter sounded... genuine?
"oh c'mon, you really thought that was funny?" cyno looked at you with a quirked brow, showing his suspicion.
"yes!" you giggled a little more while nodding your head. you composed yourself and took a deep breath, and looked at him with adoring eyes, "it's better than what i was expecting, honestly."
"huh." cyno simply replied, and leaned back into the couch. well, this was certainly a new experience. but he liked it, and he thought that you truthfully had a really cute laugh. he decided that he'd have you stay over for awhile, and he could get his tcg decks out for you two to play while he kept telling you his best jokes.
and so that's exactly what the two of you did throughout the rest of the evening. cyno brought out his cards and set them up on his living room table, and generously landed you a starter deck for you to keep. while playing he kept cracking jokes, which made it just a little bit harder to focus and learn but you were having fun and were giggling lots at his silliness. cyno absolutely adored hearing your laugh, and you even attempted to make some jokes yourself. for some reason hearing him chuckle gave you butterflies in your stomach, they just came deep within his chest and sounded nice to you... but he said that he liked your jokes and even asked if he could use some of them when talking with others and of course you gave him permission.
once it started to get late you and cyno both agreed that you should go home for now, but since you both really enjoyed each other's company you made plans to hangout again when he wasn't busy! it made you so happy, and cyno was even sweet and caring enough to walk you back to your home no matter how far away it was. he made sure you were kept close to him so he could protect you from anything that might've been lurking in the shadows, and saw to it that he watched you walk through your door before he could be sure that you were safe and he made his own way back home to sleep.
but cyno started to think about you... a lot. while walking back home, while getting into bed that night, while on patrol the next day. he just couldn't get the image of you out of his head. your laugh, your smile, and those eyes that looked at him so attentively. you hung on his every action and word with so much interest, but it was different this time. it's not like you had to do that for him, it's not like you were his subordinate and he was giving you dire instructions. and of course his friends listened to him and cared about him, but he felt like he had just... clicked with you, in a different way.
that was to be expected though, right? you guys were becoming friends and this was just the adrenaline of meeting such a nice new friend. yes, this must've been completely normal. he's sure he felt the same with his other friends - this had to be completely normal. you guys did have a lot in common, and you were so polite and sweet, and kind of adorable... how could he not think of you?
well, he'd certainly come to eat his own words. after that day, you and cyno had kept each other's words in making an effort to see each other and spent hours upon hours together. you learned so much about each other in that time as well, and it was inevitable that the two of you had become very, very close after telling each other the more vulnerable parts of your lives and past. cyno showed you his even softer sides and even trusted you enough to begin leaning on your shoulder during his troubles, and you were able to do the same with him. he felt like you had balanced him out well because when he was around you he felt like he didn't need to upkeep his intimidating aura of course and the people of sumeru thought it was so cute and nice to see such a nice person like yourself on the general mahamatra's arm.
whether you even acknowledged the other citizens and their opinions or not, they were just happy for the both of you. the two of you did eventually become a couple! after knowing each other for almost a year, the two of you tried confessing at the same time in a dorky but cute way. the two of you were very shy about it and didn't want to the lose one another our ruin your friendship. but everything worked out in the end of course, you guys both really liked each other and were pining for a long time beforehand. tighnari might've had to slap some sense into cyno and show him that he was obviously in love with you and that you weren't just a friend to him, but that's another story for a different day...
speaking of tighnari though, you and him were able to become good friends. cyno introduced the two of you when you guys were still just friends, but tighnari really got along with you as well and appreciated that you treated his close friend so kindly. he'd still groan at cyno's attempts at telling jokes, but thought that it was cute but also questionable that you were able to find him funny. sure, tighnari didn't crank down any of his sassiness or sarcasm for you, but he thought banter with you was quite fun when you would jusy match his energy. all three of you and even collei would just hangout together at their place in avidiya forest.
as for you though... you didn't have a lot of friends once you had moved to sumeru. so you didn't really have anyone to introduce to him and vice versa, but you never minded that now since you had cyno and his friends had now become yours too, and of course you both knew the traveler. everything had been going so well for the both of you, and the two of you couldn't be happier together. cyno truly did love you, and you loved him too, obviously. with all of your heart.
there were many things outside of your relationship and friendships that bothered you though. the more ugly parts of your past, the current world affairs, and sometimes that creeping feeling of loneliness that you couldn't help despite the fact that you knew you had people around you who loved you. and it bothered you even more that you were even upset about things at all, because things were going to well, weren't they? how could you even have the audacity to be upset at all? but beating yourself up about it didn't stop the sadness or the ache in your heart at all. you had just become slightly depressed after awhile, whether you truly had a reason to be or not. chemical imbalances aren't always fair, after all. and it was so easy to overthink things for you, that what happened in the coming days felt inevitable.
"my love, what's wrong?"
cyno had broken your train of thought. you looked down at him laying down in your lap, his hair freed and him changed into a more comfy and homey outfit. it was just a simple baggy shirt and pants, but you always liked seeing him in different clothes. his red eyes peered up at you with worry and concern deep within them, and he looked absolutely beautiful. you couldn't help but smile down at him and shake your head, "it's nothing, honey. i was just thinking about everything, you know?"
you were sitting on the couch in his living room. actually, it belonged to the both of you now. you and cyno had moved in together a little bit ago, deciding that it was the next step for your relationship. the two of you just loved being together so much and the domesticity and constant cuddles were a dream come true for the both for you, as you were both quite clingy to the other. it was a calm and nice late night evening, and cyno had come home after running a few errands and all he wanted to do when getting home was to change with you into some comfortable pajamas and snuggle.
"mm." cyno hummed, pondering over your figure for a moment. it was already impossible to lie to him even if you were a stranger, but now you had become his favorite person and someone he knew like the back of his hand. he knew you weren't lying to him with what you said, but he could tell that there was a lot on your mind. but you seemed reluctant to talk about it right now, and he didn't want to push you to do anything you didn't want to, even if he was worried.
"well remember, i'm always here for you if you need to talk."
cyno opted to reassure you that when you were ready to talk that he'd be there with open arms and to listen to you. if he felt like he truly had to say something soon he would, but he hoped that the situation wasn't that dire yet and that you just needed time. cyno sat up and scooched over towards you, gently cupping your face with his calloused hand to direct your gaze to him as he leaned in, placing a soft kiss upon your lips to show you that he cared about you and loved you. he held your face and deepened the kiss, tilting his head ever so slightly to get more of you, closing his eyes. your heart melted, and of course you kissed him back. his lips felt so nice on yours and you brought your hands up to his hair to run them through his beautiful white locks and to bring him closer to you.
"mm." cyno hummed once again against your lips, and the vibrations tickled you a little bit. you let out a small giggle, also enjoying how cute cyno was. he always loved to kiss you, and it made both of you melt everytime.
you both pulled away for a moment to breathe, but cyno's stare was locked on you. you couldn't help but feel flustered every time those ruby-red eyes looked at you with such intense desire in them. you felt a little shy from it, but in a nice way. your body felt hot and you couldn't take it anymore, so you pushed him back onto the couch delicately and hid your face in his chest.
"i will remember that, thank you cyno."
cyno complied with your wishes and lied back for you, letting you lay on his chest face first. he snaked his arms around you and started to ghost his fingertips up and down your back while holding you in an effort to soothe you and hopefully take your mind off whatever was bothering you. he chuckled lightly at your shyness still though, which made his chest rumble under your head. he thought you were absolutely precious like this, and you enjoyed listening to his soft breathing and rhythmic heartbeat.
"you are so cute, you know."
cyno kissed the top of your head affectionately, holding you closer to his body and laying down in a better position for you both to snuggle. you had your arms wrapped around him too and you pouted slightly at the teasing tone interlaced into his words, even if he couldn't see it. you didn't have the energy to respond since the relaxing atmosphere cyno was creating for you was making you sleepy. you nuzzled into his chest to rub against his softness and warmth and closed your eyes, letting yourself let go of all that stress and anxiety you were feeling from before.
cyno watched as you drifted off to sleep, your breathing starting to slow and your muscles stopped tensing. he had always thought that you looked truly angelic like this, and it always warmed his heart that he was able to bring you such comfort that you could just fall asleep like this with him and you seemed to sleep deeper with him around as well. he couldn't deny though that you made his heart feel just as serene and safe, and he didn't want to disturb your rest, so cyno closed his eyes as well and let you cuddle him and sleep with him on the couch that night. even if he would've preferred that you would've let him take you two your guy's bedroom so he could properly tuck you into bed and cuddle with you there, this was still just as nice he had to admit.
the night passed on as the both of you calmly slept together. the morning soon came after and the sun's rays shone through the window, some of its warmth falling upon you and cyno. its brightness woke up the your light sleeping lover, and he knew that it was about time for him to wake up and go out on more missions. he actually had a long trip he knew he had to start today, but you were sleeping so peacefully he didn't want to wake you up just to tell you and leave you. it'd break his heart. he picked you up very carefully to move you from your spot from laying on him and set you back onto the couch with a pillow and blanket, and changed into his usual general mahamatra outfit before grabbing a pencil and paper to leave you a note.
'good morning my dearest, i hope you have slept well. it pains me that i must leave you so soon like this, but i will be on a long expedition in the sumeru desert with the other matra. it's estimated to take three to four days, but i can assure you that i will be back home for you as fast as i can. i hope you will be able to forgive me for my absence and i'll be bringing something back for you.
- always yours, cyno'
he stuck the note to the door with some slime adhesive'd tape, and headed out.
it didn't take you long to awake after his departure. you slowly opened your eyes as the harsh sunlight crept in through the cracks of places that the curtains couldn't always cover. your mind felt hazy and groggy but you were still able to notice the absence of your lover, being met with the warmth and softness of the blanket and pillow he had left you rather than his nice chest and firm arms encasing you, always making you feel safe. you knew that he'd be busy today - he usually always was, as to be expected. but for some reason you couldn't stop a faint sadness bubbling up in your stomach as you got up from the couch, getting a glass of water to wake yourself up for the day.
after getting changed into your usual attire, it was then when you noticed the note left for you on the door. you walked over and carefully took it down so the paper didn't tear and that the sticky slime tape didn't get on you. you felt your heart sink even more after you read over his words. cyno was so gentle and sweet in the way he spoke to you, but you couldn't help how you felt seeing that he'd be gone for a little while. you figured that he'd be back home tonight, but clearly that wasn't going to be the case now and you knew his job could be unpredictable, it usually wasn't an issue for you.
you weren't upset at him, you just wish he was here. you were a little desperate recently for his time and affection as it just made you feel more relaxed and safe from your own mind. you guess that these next few coming days would be difficult for you, but you wanted to remain optimistic. cyno was only going to be gone for a little awhile, he should be back again in no time and hopefully you wouldn't think about it too much lest the days drag out. so, you decided that you had to do something to distract yourself and keep yourself busy during this time. whether it'd be indulging yourself in a hobby or just going out to wander around sumeru it hopefully wouldn't matter, you just hoped it was true that cyno would return quickly to you.
you tried not to dwell on the guilt you felt for becoming so needy and clingy to your lover, which was exactly why you knew you had no right to be upset at him. he was not the reason for your grievances, and you wished you could just get over your own issues by yourself.
'enough,' you stopped yourself from complaining anymore, and just followed through on your plan to just get through these couple of days as best as you could.
you did try everything. a walk through sumeru's forest seemed like it could be relaxing and would be able to help you clear your mind with it's beautiful scenery and serene atmosphere in most parts, and tighnari even taught you how to stay safe and how to tell which plants and mushrooms were poisonous at cyno's request. you did manage to stroll through avidiya forest without a hitch, and you even stopped by to say hello to collei and tighnari. tighnari was sympathetic to your situation since he was also told about cyno's mission, and while you loved tighnari and collei like they were your own friends, it didn't seem to help.
okay well, even if that didn't work out there were still things to try. sometimes others can't always help you and that was alright, now it was just time to go home and try some hobbies. like reading a book, writing in a journal, drawing whatever you could think of, etc. and while doing something more hands on like that did distract you for awhile, it was hard to ignore the the deafening silence around you inside of your home. usually, you could appreciate the gentle breezes of the wind that would rustle the leaves outside, or the quiet chirps of wildlife. but what you truly missed was cyno's voice, you wish he were here to fill the dead air with one if his jokes or maybe even tell a story about one of his more intense missions.
'maybe it's about time i slept now.'
it had gotten quite late now, and the only way you could truly distract yourself and pass the time was to sleep as much as you could. in an effort to try and cheer yourself up, you walked into yours and cyno's shared room and looked through his closet to cuddle into one of his shirts in bed. you knew he wouldn't mind it at all, so you slept in the usual position that could be the most comfy for you while sleeping alone and held the shirt close to your chest and face. it still smelt so much like him, and you were thankful for the peace of mind that it brought you as you drifted off.
the next coming days were very uneventful for you. except for the fact that you did run into and catch up with an old ex-friend, but you were quickly reminded of why you didn't talk to them anymore besides the fact that you had moved. that had just put your mood into the ground even more. you thought and had felt that your life was changing for the better now that you had started this new life, trying to leave your painful past behind you, but it seemed like it's affects on you were just going to follow you wherever you went. even if cyno was so close to coming home now, you had become horribly depressed overthinking about almost everything that had happened in your life. whether this would've happened while he was here or not you weren't sure of, but your mind didn't seem to care.
you started to hurt so bad emotionally that you began to have that urge. it was something that you hadn't done in a very long time, and you felt so much better while being clean for awhile. but you knew deep down that it was an addiction, and that you were prone to urges and relapses. it's why you didn't blame anyone and tried to keep yourself occupied. it wasn't anyone who was around you who was at fault for this, this is just how you were deep down from all of the trauma you've endured before coming here. it was eating you up inside.
'i'll do it just once more this time,' you told yourself, 'just a little bit to feel better and i'll hide it until it heals and i won't have to do it again or make anyone worry.'
you sighed and felt that surge of anxiety course through your body. you knew that you were lying to yourself a little bit, but you felt like you had exhausted all of your other options up until this point. you tried to swallow down the shame and guilt that was swelling up inside you because you did hate doing this. whether it was because you hated what you were actually doing this to yourself or how if people found out they always react the same way you didn't know, but you did hate making others worry.
you grabbed what was necessary and sat in the bathroom of your house. your plan was to do this on a part of your body that was more discreet than your arms or something. that really wasn't an option because sumeru could get quite hot in the summers, and especially in the desert if you and cyno were going to go there for whatever reason. he's the last person you'd want to see you like this. you chose your upper thighs, because hopefully nobody would be seeing that part of you soon.
and so, you did it.
and it stung, just like how it always had. you were quite used to this feeling though, and it did give you that feeling of relief for a moment. to release that emotional pain through physical means had always been a less than favorable coping mechanism for you, but it did work sometimes unfortunately. you only did it a few times, and you stopped there to clean yourself up. you knew you had to be careful not to leave anything behind lest cyno find it.
and that was that for you. you didn't bother to go above and beyond with wound treatment, just making sure you did wash the area with some water and waiting till the bloodflow stopped before pulling the bottom half of your outfit back up. the lingering feeling of it burning was still there, but you knew it'd subside after a couple of days. you took a deep breath, grabbing a book to lose yourself in and to lay in the bed you and cyno shared to read and fall asleep once more, hopefully waking up to your lover coming home.
your prayers were answered the next day, as you were soundly sleeping in the morning while cyno was approaching the door to your shared home. he was so happy and excited to be coming back to you, he had missed you so much. he missed hearing your laugh, seeing your smile, your scent, all of your unique mannerisms. he truly did love every little part of you. while he did enjoy being a matra and appreciated his job for letting him express his ideals of right and wrong, the expedition was rather long and tedious and he wanted nothing more to be home with you to cuddle and hangout together.
he gently turned the doorknob as to not disturb you. he could already guess that you were most likely still sleeping at this time, and he wanted to surprise you by waking you up himself. after closing the door behind him silently, he strategically walked to your shared room, careful to avoid any floorboards he knew might creak. and he had successfully snucked in to be by your side, sliding into bed right next to you as lightly as he could, face to face without touching you yet. oh, how radiant and calm you had looked in his eyes while you slept. he almost didn't want to wake you from your slumber. he could've just stayed in the bed with you and admired your beauty for hours.
he cupped your face with such care, resting his palm on your cheek as he smiled genuinely seeing how you stirred ever so slightly in your sleep, leaning into his soft touch and warmth.
"my love, i'm home."
"mm?" you knew that voice, someone was here right next to you your brain realized. your eyes fluttered open and your heart skipped a beat seeing your handsome man right there in front of you. your excitement overpowered all of your other senses. your body did not give itself a moment to wake up and shake off the groggyness of sleeping because you had sat up instantly with a huge grin on your face, your heart soaring from the feeling of having your favorite person back home with you.
"cyno!"
you immediately jumped to hug him tightly into your arms, and cyno returned your affection happily. he wrapped his arms around you in return while he chuckled at your enthusiasm. you were just so cute and you were acting just like an excited little puppy, but he supposed he couldn't deny that he was feeling the exact same way with you right now. he brushed his hand against your face to cup your face once again and pressed a gentle kiss onto your lips as an affectionate gesture to your reunion.
the two of you pulled away shortly after so you could keep talking. of course after being away from each other for such a period of time, you wanted to know how his trip went and you both just wanted to start spending time with each other immediately. he tugged gently on your wrist to pull you into his lap and you more than happily obliged by sprawling yourself out in his lap, looking up at him with pure adoration while he looked at you with just as much obsession in those fiery eyes.
"i missed you so much." you told him, snaking your arms around his shoulders and nuzzling into his neck. your tone was lighthearted but genuine, letting him know you weren't upset at him but that you did love him obviously.
"i missed you, too." cyno quickly replied, his tone more serious and sincere. his voice sounding like that truthfully caught you off guard, but you also felt butterflies flutter in your stomach that he was so passionate about you.
"aw, really?" you cooed at him, beginning to rub his shoulders to soothe him.
"yes." cyno breathed, moving his hands to your waist and grabbing you just firmly enough to position you laying flat on your back as cyno placed his knees on each side of your legs, starting to crawl up your body like a predator stalking it's prey, "i thought about you constantly. being away from you like that just reminded me of how i never want to part from you. how i want to make you all mine."
every word that cyno was saying was true. while he was devoted to his work and was still adquently fluent in battles and reprimanding criminals, he was yearning for you every second that he was out on that mission of his. he had become worried sick about you during that time, since he wasn't around to protect you. he did rationalize that sumeru was mostly safe - and that if harm did come your way, there would be others around to help you and if you needed anyone in his absence you'd hopefully go to tighnari, but those reassurances could only ease his mind so much. he didn't want you to think that he saw you as helpless or weak, he just worried about you. and he was stronger than you, he should be protecting you.
cyno loomed over you and those intimidating eyes peered into your own, dark glints in them of something that you couldn't make out. but you weren't afraid, cyno has had moments before this where he expressed a more feral sides towards you. you knew he'd never hurt you, and you didn't know exactly if if was wrong or not, but you actually slightly enjoyed his possessiveness over you. it made you feel loved and desired by the one you wanted and desired as well. what was better than that?
"c-cyno, what's gotten into you?" you smiled and giggled while he started to leave open mouthed kisses on your neck, going from the spot under your left ear and along your jawline.
"nothing. i just need you."
cyno's hands began to move from your waist, rubbing them down to the curves of your hips, and it was then that his hands landed on your thighs. and he squeezed them in the most gentle way possible, as he always had. he wasn't very rough with you ever, but it was then that the memories of what you had did last night flooded your mind and that the pain coursed through the inflicted area of your thighs.
"a-ah!" you winced, trying to bite your lip to stifle your pain.
cyno immediately reeled back and removed his hands from you, looking at you with the most intense worried expression on his face you'd ever seen, "oh my goodness, are you okay? i-i am so sorry my love, i-"
he looked over your body frantically, making sure that he wasn't just caught up in his own trance and wasn't being more harsh with you than he realized. he made sure that he left no marks on you, he would've felt like a complete monster if he hurt you, even if he was out of control. but you stopped him. you knew he wasn't being out of control right now, and that he wasn't being a monster controlled by his desires. but it was very sweet of cyno that he worried about you so badly that he reacted like this when he accidentally hurt you. but it wasn't his fault, it was your owns.
you placed a hand on his upper arm, snapping him out of it, "no, no. cyno it wasn't you. i-"
"[y/n], did somebody else hurt you? because if so i swear to the dendro archon herself, i'll-!"
you gently squeezed his arm to get his attention and shook your head, your expression showing the sadness and guilt coming back to you and blooming inside of your chest once more.
"i-i hurt myself cyno, i'm sorry. i wasn't expecting you to do this when you got back home, and i also had forgotten that i had done it..."
the amount of pain that you could feel when you saw cyno's face drop at your confession was unreal. it was like you could see his heart breaking at what you just said and it absolutely killed you inside. archons, you felt so fucking awful and one-hundred percent at fault for this. you were a terrible person and partner, weren't you? you didn't want him to leave you, but you couldn't blame him one bit if he did want to.
the air was thick and heavy with both of your mixed emotions filling it. you couldn't tell what cyno was thinking about as it seemed like he started dissociating, his eyes had wandered away from you and to a random spot in the room that he was staring at. you prepared for the worst. your mind was racing with all the possibilities that you were certain were going to happen in the following minutes. him telling you that he can't handle something like this, and that he wants to leave you. or that he can't even fathom why would you do this when your life wasn't even that bad? he could get mad at you and ask why would you do this? there's so many emotions that cyno could've been experiencing, and you braced yourself for anything he could say.
"... dearest, i am so sorry you felt so low you chose to do that to yourself. please, let me help you."
he had turned back to you, and he slowly slid off the bed, offering his hand out to you for you to take, "if we don't clean it and bandage it properly, it could get infected. while i do that for you, you can vent to me all of your grievances. and i promise, i will never leave you again when you need me."
"oh, cyno..."
you sat up and looked at him. he wasn't smiling while he spoke, but the look on his face was still gentle as ever. it might've been one of the most gentle looks he had ever given you in your whole relationship, actually. and you couldn't even began to think of how to express to him how deeply appreciative you were of him right now. from his kinds words and his offer to patch you up... if it was even possible, you were falling for him even harder.
you did take his hand, and his hand enveloped yours as he helped you get up from the bed and started leading you to the bathroom, "but i do know how important your work is to you and that it comes first, please don't go that far for me."
you'd just feel increasingly awful to make cyno wait on you hand and foot just to take care of you, making him worry over whether you'd be alright by yourself or not. and you didn't want to halt the lifestyle that he had known for years of his adulthood just for you. you knew you had to let him be free to do this own things, and his job was more important than you in your eyes.
"more important than you, love? don't be foolish." he simply stated as you both entered the bathroom. he instructed you to pull the bottom half or your outfit down for him to your knees and sit in a chair, leaving you in your underwear. it did leave you feeling a little embarassed, but logically you knew there was no reason to be. cyno loved you from head to toe.
"besides," cyno gathered some medicine tighnari had given him for wound treatment and some bandages and began to apply the medicine onto your injuries, "if they urgently need me, and no one else can do the job, i'll go. but i will be quick to return to you."
the medicine was surprisingly not painful being slathered on your thighs. tighnari truly was an innovator of healthcare, and cyno was just grateful that he didn't have to see you wincing in more pain. he picked up the bandages and lifted your thighs up to wrap the material gently around your skin.
"and oh, love..." cyno looked up at you, his eyes shadowed by the headpiece he wore, making his eyes glow and appear dangeous, "i am going to need the names of all the people who made you feel this way."