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“Uncle Tony,” Tad says evenly, her pretty face grave and serious in a way that doesn't really suit it. Darcy and Bruce are on either side of her, and Bruce looks slightly shell shocked, but Darcy has a hand over her face and Tony can't tell if she's exasperated or trying not to laugh. “We need to talk.”
Oh hell, Tony thinks, and does the mental math, because he's fairly certain it isn't time for his biannual intervention yet. Nope, not for another month at least. He flips off his soldering iron and pushes his safety goggles up on top of his head. “About?”
“You might want to sit down,” Bruce says.
“You have to be fucking kidding me,” Darcy says, her voice only slightly muffled by her palm. Tad pats her on the arm and Bruce pushes at Tony's shoulder until he sinks down on top of a stool.
“Okay, I need you to not freak out.” Tad pauses and gives him this narrow eyed look that she picked up from either Natasha or Coulson or both that always makes Tony's spine straighten against his will. She takes a deep breath. “I have a date.”
Tony blinks. “You're twelve!”
“Sixteen, actually,” Darcy says, and she's dropped her hand, but her head's rolled back on her neck like she's wishing she was anywhere but here. “Remember that ridiculous Lamborghini you gave her for her last birthday?”
“She looks good in red,” Tony points out. It makes sense to him, and it had made Tad shriek and laugh and kiss his cheek, so everything had worked out okay as far as he's concerned, even if Bruce won't let her even touch it until she aces the SHIELD driving course.
“Not exactly the point,” Bruce says.
“Right,” Tony says, pointing at him. “What do we know about this boy who's out to get his grubby, not good enough hands all over our innocent little girl?”
Tad sighs and leans against her mother's side. Darcy drops an arm around her shoulders and says, “His name is Peter and they're in the science club together.”
“That's all?” Tony narrows his eyes and snaps his fingers. “JARVIS, I'm going to need a full background check-”
“Don't you dare,” Tad says. There are twin spots of red blooming high on her cheeks and she has the same wild eyed look the Hulk gets right before he does something like throw a minivan at Dr. Doom. Tony adopts the same policy he has in those situations and ignores it in favor of pointing at Darcy.
“And you. I can't believe you're letting this happen,” he says. “She's practically an infant. Shouldn't we be keeping her locked up in the tower until she's at least thirty? Thirty is a much more reasonable age than ten.”
“Tony, it's okay. I checked,” Bruce says earnestly, and he leans closer to put a hand on Tony's shoulder. “He knows physics.”
“And on that note, I'm going to go get ready,” Tad says.
“I'll help you with your hair,” Darcy says.
“I suppose it's a start, but do we know how is he on mechanical engineering,” Tony asks.
Tony beats Steve and Bruce to the door, and he's all set to glower his ass off—if he can make his Board of Directors cower on a regular basis, then some punk kid should be no problem—but then he actually opens the door and sees Tad's date. The kid is thin, would be painfully scrawny except for the almost unnoticeable muscle definition that Tony's trained eye can pick out under his loose clothes, and he looks about as threatening as toy poodle with the way his mouth is gaping open.
“Holy shit, you're Tony Stark. You're brilliant,” Peter says with huge, starry eyes, and okay, so maybe he's not all bad.
“And you're my Tadpole's date,” Tony says, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring hard enough that Fury's probably wiping away a tear of admiration somewhere without knowing why. “And I will destroy you in so many ways if you even think about getting fresh with her, starting with on the internet.”
“Tony, are you seriously doing this right now,” Steve asks, and one of these days Tony's going to get around to figuring out how Darcy and Steve can possibly have the exact same 'what the fuck' tone, because he's never thought they spend that much time together, but obviously he's wrong.
“Do people even still say 'fresh' anymore,” Bruce asks.
“I don't think so,” Clint's voice says from the direction of the air vent.
“You're Tony Stark,” Peter says again, and then his eyes flit over to Steve and Bruce. “And Captain America and Dr. Banner, and I know Tad's last name, but I never made the connection, and I think my brain is going to melt from the sheer amount of scientific awesome in this room. Not that being Captain America isn't impressive too,” he says to Steve, hands practically flying through the air, “but Mr. Stark didn't just redefine robotics, he smashed everything that people thought they knew about the field and then completely rebuilt it in a way nobody thought was possible. And have you read Dr. Banner's latest article on genetics? I mean, I can't even-”
“Aw, aren't you adorable,” Darcy interrupts from the doorway. She looks about one breath away from pinching the kid's cheek, and Tony can't decide whether to disapprove or join in. “Do you need a paper bag to hyperventilate in to or do you think you can get that under control?”
“Please don't encourage them. If Uncle Tony's ego gets any bigger, we'll have to add an extension onto the place,” Tad says as she steps into the room, and if there were stars in Peter's eyes before, now entire constellations spark to life in them. Tad's smile is a touch more shy than it normally is, and she tucks a curl of dark brown hair behind her ear in a nervous tick that Tony thought Natasha had trained out of her.
“Hey,” Peter says, his voice going quiet, and he holds out his hand, then starts to jerk it back like he's second guessing the move, but Tad takes it before he can follow through on the motion. His grin is dopey; Tony would be put out about how quickly the kid's already apparently forgotten about him and his awesomeness, but it's hard to be pissed when Tad's standing there glowing like a lightening bug.
“Right,” Tony says. He tucks a credit card into the front pocket of Peter's shirt, says, “Take her somewhere nice and treat her right or I'll use you for genetic experimentations,”—which makes Peter's face do something strange and vaguely fascinating that will definitely require further examination later—and sulks his way over to Steve's side.
Tad laughs at Peter's face and waves at them over her shoulder as she starts herding him out the door. “I'll be home by curfew. Love you guys,” she says, and then they're out the door and gone.
“I'm going to go eat chocolate until I don't feel so old,” Darcy says.
“Are you certain I can't use the deaging ray on her? I think I got all the kinks worked out of it,” Tony says to Steve, who slips an arm around his waist and kisses his cheek.
“I'll tie you up and sit on you if you try,” he tells him, but he lets Tony pout as much as he wants.
“You've got Natasha following them just to make certain nothing goes wrong, right,” Darcy asks Phil as she pulls a pint of chocolate ice cream out of the freezer.
“Of course,” he says and passes her the scoop and two bowls.
She holds out a fist and he bumps his against hers, the barest hint of a smile tipping up one corner of his mouth.