Chapter Text
“Ben,” Rey gasped, smiling at him. She reached for his face, and Ben felt a gentle probing in the Force. Suddenly, a feeling of exuberance sang across their bond, as Rey realised that the Force presence in front of her was light. Ben’s lips curled up into a tiny grin.
She leant forward slowly, and he mirrored her as their lips met in a gentle kiss. Already he could feel his life force fading, but it didn’t matter. They broke apart, and he saw the truth dawn in Rey’s eyes.
It’s alright, he channelled through the force, I’m at peace.
He felt his eyelids get very heavy as he felt their Force bond pulling apart, getting tighter and tighter and further away, until the darkness consumed him.
---
If anyone asked, Ben would say that the experience was not exactly what he imagined when he thought of becoming one with the Force. There was pain, so much pain, so much darkness. There were voices, floating and flying above his head, as he felt pulled and tugged somewhere, and reality rammed into him like a truck.
Ben’s eyes flew open. He took in a huge gulp of air, registering his surroundings with multiple blinks. He seemed to be standing in a dark space, with the sounds of blasters and explosions echoing distantly and fading. A familiar weight rested on his face, and he somehow knew exactly where he was.
Starkiller base.
Why was he here? Why did the Force make him relive his greatest nightmare? “Is this to be my punishment? An eternity of this?” he murmured to himself.
“BEN!”
Ben closed his eyes. There it was again, that impossible voice calling out to him. He turned around and sure enough, he saw the figure of his father standing in front of him, looking desperately hopeful. Ben took in a deep breath. He knew what would happen next.
And he waited.
All was quiet, except for his own heavy breathing.
What was going on?
For some reason, unlike his usual nightmares, those terrible words were not forced out of his mouth. All that remained was the two of them staring at each other wordlessly, neither of them going first.
“This is a dream,” Ben announced, shaking his head. “You’re not really here.”
His father took a step closer. “Ben. This is real. I’m here, to take you home. Take off the mask, Ben. Let’s go home- together- alright?” he whispered gently.
Ben reached for his mask and detached it, throwing the horrible object off the bridge. He looked straight into his father’s eyes, and saw a slightly stunned look.
“Ben-”
“This is not real. Y-you’re just a memory,” Ben said, wanting to draw close yet terrified that the moment he reached his father, everything would dissolve into nothingness.
“Ben?” Han called out, a questioning note now in his voice, as though he could see through his son and realise that he did not belong here. Ben laughed. This was truly a dream, then, for Han Solo never cared enough about his son to notice the small subtleties in his demeanour.
“You’re not real. You’re dead. Go away, Father,” Ben repeated, trying to sit down on the bridge when he realised that his movement was inhibited by his lightsaber. His pride and glory. The weapon that killed his father.
Without a thought, he chucked the lightsaber hard with the force, letting it hit the side of the walls with a loud metallic clang, which echoed as the cursed object sailed from wall to wall, further and further away from him. As he sat down and leaned his weight heavily upon the side rail in defeat, he noticed that his father’s eyes were alight with something.
“My son,” Han Solo said slowly, then he cried out joyously, “My son!” while striding forward quickly with something akin to recognition in his eyes. He bent down, reaching to give his son a hug. Ben knew what was going to happen- of course when his father reached him all he would feel would be passing through air, then- oh.
He could smell engine grease on his Father. He felt the strength of the hug- his father squeezing him so tight, almost as if he was afraid that Ben would try to escape if he did not hold on so tight. Ben could- impossibly- feel his father’s breath on his shoulder, and somehow, he could feel his father’s tears drip on his shoulder. Han Solo was never force sensitive, but when Ben reached into the Force in shock, there was a vague presence where his father stood. No. This couldn’t be. This was actually real.
Ben sat there, stunned, as the implications hit him. It was not over yet. This was his second chance. In this time, he had not yet become an irredeemable monster. His father was still alive. His mother was still alive. Rey-
Ben stilled. Tentatively, he reached for his force bond, praying to the Force that it wasn’t snapped, and that it would connect to another end. Another person. Suddenly he felt her. Impossibly light and impossibly warm. And close. He tilted his head upwards, not letting go of his father (he will never let go this time) as his eyes met Rey’s. She was staring at him with shock. But no recognition sparked in her eyes at all.
He tried to keep in check the sudden disappointment that swirled through him. It was beyond thankful that he had this second chance, but in turning back the clock, while his atrocities were gone, the one thing that was good in all those years- his relationship with Rey- had dissipated to nothing instantly.
He would have to start from scratch again- or perhaps this version of Rey would never warm up to him, not having suffered through the same dangers that he swore would never happen to her this time. With much difficulty, he tore his focus from her and turned to the other force bond which lingered in his mind.
Snoke. Ben had felt the lightness of freedom when that particular connection had snapped when Snoke died, but now he could feel it there, festering and stewing in the insidious dark. And Snoke knew- he had to have known- that Kylo Ren was no more.
“He could be coming any minute,” Ben warned. Han broke from the hug, giving him a confused look.
“Who?”
“Snoke, my former master,” Ben explained.
Han spat an unpleasant word. “Let him come,” Han said, his eyes suddenly alight with fury. “He must pay for destroying my family!”
“You are no match for him,” Ben said, trying to keep his patience. “Father, we must go now.”
Han must have seen something in his eyes, because he nodded briefly and grabbed Ben’s wrist, running to the exit. For an old man, he ran incredibly fast. Ben let his eyes dart up one more time to get a final glimpse of Rey before they burst out into the battlefield.
It was chaos. Stormtroopers were running around, frantically blasting, while the Resistance ships rained fire from above. “Han!” Rey screamed, and Ben turned and saw a blaster shot heading straight to his father.
No. He will not lose his father- not again. He whipped out his hand and called the Force.
The shot froze in midair, a few centimetres from Han’s chest, at the same time as the whole row of Stormtroopers falling to the ground. Han looked at the still laser, then stared at his son in amazement.
“You saved me,” Han breathed. He regarded the still floating shot. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
“The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural,” Ben replied, with a tiny smirk. He crushed his hand into a fist, and the laser crumpled in midair into harmless sparks. “I’m not the same boy you left, Han Solo.”
“You are not,” Han agreed sadly, regarding him for a moment. Ben’s smile turned bittersweet. I’m not even the boy you think you are looking at, Father. I have done unspeakable things you will never know.
“Did you regret it?” Ben asked in a low voice, as they continued running to the forest. “Leaving me, all those years?”
“Always,” Han replied earnestly. “And so does your mother.”
Ben felt a pang. While he had seen his father (when he killed him), the last time he saw his mother was before the destruction of the Jedi temple. When he was still young and trusting. The closest he had been to her was the caress in his mind just as she died in his timeline.
Would she hate this new, jaded version of him? He was definitely not the Jedi son she wished she had, nor a pilot Han wished he could have been. Even if he were to start now, he had flirted with the dark side for far too long to be unmarred by it.
Every person he struck down, and every civilisation he destroyed- it would always live in his bones. Compared to this younger version of himself who had not yet sunk to the depths of monstrosity, too many things had happened which would be on him. And he had the responsibility to ensure it would never happen again. But deep in his heart, he knew and will always know-
“Ben,” Han said, breaking his train of thought.
“Yes, Father?” he replied stiffly, still unused to how the word rolled in his tongue. It had really been too many years.
“Your mother loves you,” Han stated simply.
I know.
Maybe it makes it worse that I always have known, actually.