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To Rei, sleeping was more of a burden than anything.
If it was up to him, he would spend his entire life playing video games throughout the dark hours, a weapon of any sort easily within reach, so that he knows exactly what to do if anything were to happen. He’s grown, he has his own place, and his own weapons, and even his own basically- roommate, but whenever the sun disappears, and the shadows grow thicker, it’s as if he was a child again, scared, defenseless, tired.
So, he spends hours, days, weeks, burning the imagine of any video game he can get his hands on into his eyes, ignoring any fatigue and keeping his guard up.
It’s not as if there’s any relief in his dreams either. Whenever he inevitably crashesーalways at the worst of times, somehowーhis mind manages to conjure up images of a time he would much rather forget, the phantom pain of bruises always waking him up sooner rather than later. He thinks he could probably count the amount of times he’s had a good dream on one hand, even a half-amputated one, at that.
It’s not for lack of trying, either.
Well, for Rei, maybe it is. Kazuki, however, seems to have made it his one goal in life to get Rei to sleep. More than once now, he’s caught Kazuki crushing up sleeping pills into the food he’s made for themーRei hasn’t trusted his food since, and yet, Kazuki still tries. Another time, a sleep-mask had been slipped on over Rei’s eyes as he clicked play on another round of Mario Kart, which turned into an all-out-brawl as Kazuki fought to keep the mask on, while he tried his best to jab the other man’s eyes out.
Rei thinks the blond might be one bad day away from knocking him out cold as a last ditch effort.
If it wasn’t for the annoying warmth in his chest, he would’ve kicked the guy out long ago.
Despite every single attempt made by both of them, Rei still hates sleeping, and that notion only grows whenever Miri shows up. Now, they have designated bedtimes, and goodnight hugs, and whatever other nightly routines Miri can come up with. Now, they have tantrums thrown in the morning whenever the tv is kept on while Miri’s sleeping, and they have public callouts made by a four year old who calls the bags under Rei’s eyes ugly, and they have middle of the night cuddles whenever Miri has a bad dream.
There is no possible way for Rei to continue his sleep-evading habits, and so, he tries.
And fails spectacularly.
His bed was too soft, too easy to sink into, too dangerous, and that’s why he ignored every single attempt from Miri to drag him there with her. Kazuki’s bed, despite being more firm, and having two nightstands for him to stash guns in, is off limits on the pretense of Rei’s own sanity. The couch, while open, is right in front of the tv, and Rei will fall into old habits if he’s left that close to the offending machine.
So, the bathtub it is.
The first time he spent the night there, his ears caught on every little sound, listening for a hint of any danger in the apartment, hearing the whisper of snores and cars outside. He had drifted off a few times against his will, but just as he had hoped, the uncomfortable porcelain under his back woke him up in a jolt, and he was back to stage one.
He had the sinking feeling that every night would be like this as long as Miri was here, and based on both his own feelings and Kazuki’s very obvious adoration, she wasn’t leaving anytime soon.
Somehow, the thought doesn’t annoy him as much as it should.
-
Truth be told, the first time Miri dragged both him and Kazuki to herーtechnically, Rei’sーbed, he didn’t mean to fall asleep.
He had wanted to wait until his two bedmates fell asleep so he could attempt to clean his gun as quietly as possible, to keep his mind off both how tired he was, and the traitorous fluttering in his chest. He had given in only for Miri’s sake, so she would stop whining, and also so he would get a close up to Kazuki’s bedhead for prime blackmailing material, but as soon as he had pulled the covers over him, he was out like a light.
He was completely oblivious to all of his surroundings, becoming yet again a prisoner to his own memories, and when we woke up with a gasp, after who knows how long, it was to hair in his mouth and an overwhelming warmth.
Instinctively, Rei reached for any weapon he could get his hands on, but both hands refused to move, caught under a weight that his sleep-muddled mind was too weak to pinpoint. Dark eyes opened as wide as they could, searching through the darkness for anything, and there, bathed in the light from the streetlights outside, was Kazuki’s golden hair. The tension in his chest loosened somewhat, his eyes returning to their resting half-lidded gaze, yet still trying to take in every highlighted feature he could see.
Kazuki looked peaceful, his hair messy, his mouth slightly open, his eyelashes resting lightly on his cheeks, and Rei realized that he didn't mind the snoring as much as he thought. Maybe it was the effect of a wall always separating them at night, but up close, the noise settled over him, overwhelming any voices in his head, not unlike the dramatic noises from any single one of his video games. He felt… calm, for what very well could be the first time in his life.
It was then that the mass holding Rei’s right arm down shifted, the man’s eyes automatically shooting down to find Miri laying between him and Kazuki, her head curled up into Rei’s chest as her small hand gripped a much larger one resting over her side. Rei attempted to move his left hand, wiggling the fingers and only feeling soft material on either side, his eyes only able to see as his arm disappeared somewhere between Miri’s back and Kazuki’s chest.
Maybe it was his still-half-asleep mind, or maybe it was another dangerous, scary part of himself, but despite both hands being trapped, and despite being on a too-soft bed with a large comforter over him with a small girl tucked to his chest, Rei felt comfortable. Warm. Tired,
He knows that he should stay awake, that he needs to be prepared lest anything happen, but he feels helpless against the pull of sleep behind his eyelids.
He’s scared, he realizesーbut this time, it’s not of a certain man, or biting teeth, or claws, but of what will come of this. What will happen if they find someone who would surely take better care of Miri? What will happen when Kazuki’s had enough and up and leaves? What will happen if Rei wakes up in the morning to find that this was all fake, all an illusion his mind made up to hurt him? Would that be worse than any of his other nightmares?
He doesn’t know, but when he wakes up in the morning to find Miri practically jumping on both of their chests, as Kazuki tries in vain to stuff his head into the pillow behind him, he finds that his only memory of last night was the two people in his bed sleeping peacefully, any nightmares he had gone long from his mind.
-
After that night, “double papa sleepovers,” as Miri had dubbed them, became a regular occurrence.
Kazuki still had his own room, and his own bed, but every night that Miri puts up a fight about being left alone in Rei’s bed, Kazuki has to chime in to complain about how his own bed leaves a crick in his neck, and how, despite it being Rei’s apartment, it wasn’t fair that the black haired man should get the better bed. At this point, he thinks Kazuki does it just to annoy him.
But somehow, it works every time.
Maybe Rei’s resolve is weakening, or maybe he’s becoming addicted to the feeling of sharing a bed with a space heater and a small arm-stealing gremlin at night, but whatever it is, it’s affecting his rational thinking. He should be putting an end to Miri’s sleepover dreams, he should send Kazuki back to his own room so he stops bringing extra pillows into Rei’s, he should go back to his bathtub, to the cold porcelain and back-aches, but every single night, without fail, he heads to bed with the other two, Miri’s tiny hand dragging the both of them as if they were nothing more than her overgrown plushies.
Rei really should put a stop to this, but for some reason that he refuses to look into, he just can’t.
Which is how he finds himself here, roughly two weeks after their new sleeping arrangement took shape, trying his hardest to fall asleep. Unlike before, whenever it was easy to fall asleep even though he very much did not want to, recently it’s been harder and harder to just give inーwhich is dangerous, because the longer he stays awake at night, the more his eyes feel inclined to trace Kazuki’s features in the dim light.
He thinks maybe the nightmares were the only thing keeping him sane before.
He feels Miri roll around between him and Kazuki, shifting to her back and pulling both him and Kazuki closer with tiny fists, letting out a content sigh whenever they move, and Rei’s just glad that at least one of them is getting some sleep. Based on the soft puff of laughter from across the bed, Kazuki is in the same boat as him, and Rei keeps his eyes shut tightly to stop himself from doing something stupid like reaching across Miri to touch the blond’s hand.
He doesn’t look into any of these urges, he’s scared to know what he’d find.
Suddenly, there’s a feather-like pressure on Rei’s cheek, and it takes every ounce of training in him to not jump. Based on the warmth, and the rough texture, it’s a finger touching his cheek, and based on the steady breaths of Miri, it’s Kazuki’s finger. Rei stays as still as possible, but he can feel his heartbeat pick up, especially as the finger, which is just barely resting on his skin, runs from the top of his cheekbone to his eyelid, down his nose, before resting on the corner of his mouth.
Everything stops for a moment, including Rei’s thoughts, his breathing, even his heart skips a beat, before the finger leaves, and the sound of rustling bedsheets is heard. The sound of a kiss fills the air, and before Rei can question it, a soft “goodnight, Mir,” is whispered, and his chest feels warm. Then, the sound of another kiss is heard, but this time, there’s a pressure on Rei’s forehead, and the feeling of warm breath on his hair.
Rei’s heart is pounding, his cheeks feel warm, and his free hand, the one not taken hostage by Miri, clenches into a fist to stop himself from moving even an inch. The man thinks he might’ve heard a second “goodnight” somewhere before the warmth of Kazuki leaves his space, but through the blood rushing to his ears, he probably wouldn’t be able to hear a gunshot right next to him.
He should say something, should tell Kazuki that he’s awake, and that he’s an idiot for thinking that Rei deserves something as soft and nice as whatever that was, but he feels almost paralyzed. The rustling stops, and it seems as if the blond’s finally decided to fall asleep and leave Rei to dissect whatever he’s feeling, but before he does, Kazuki’s unmistakable voice lilts through the air again, this time carrying an “I love you both.”
It takes hours for Rei to fall asleep after that, but once he does, he dreams of blond hair and soft eyes.
-
As it turns out, getting actual sleep at night boosts Rei’s endurance, speed, and precision.
Who knew.
That’s not to say he was doing poorly before, but after the nightly sleepovers in his own bed, and after his nightmares have started to take a back seat to dreams of Kazukiー against his own will, mind youーhe has seen a major decrease in the amount of personal effort it takes to take people down. He thinks Kazuki might’ve noticed, too, if the smirks and bumped shoulders are anything to go by.
But, everybody has bad days, he guesses, and that’s why he’s currently snug in his own bed, with strict orders to sleep off the mild stab wound in his thigh.
It’s not his first time getting stabbed, and it’s in a relatively safe area on his thigh, away from any main arteries, but Kazuki has been fretting over him like a concerned mother since he carried Rei home after their mission. Currently, Kazuki is with Miri, hopefully explaining to her that running in to jump on Rei as she usually does when they get home from missions can not happen today, but knowing him, the blond is probably cooking her dinner.
Which is fine with Rei, who doesn't think he can stomach any food when he feels as exhausted as he does. It’s probably the blood loss, because if Rei was in his normal state of mind, he would not give in to Kazuki’s nagging, if only to see how far his patience would goーhe’s found that he’s not as scared to find out what might happen once the man’s patience runs thin as he used to be.
He puts that thought in the back of his mind, where he’s been storing all of his other questionable-Kazuki-related thoughts since what feels like their first meeting.
Rei’s eyelids begin to droop as his mind quiets, and he thinks he might actually follow the advice of his friend-coparent-bedmate? but before he can, the creak of a door sounds throughout his room, and there’s suddenly two people rushing inside.
“Miri, no!” Kazuki’s voice rings out in the room, and Rei watches through blurry eyes as Miri runs to him, her arms outstretched. He braces for the pain he’ll inevitably feel, his eyes squinting further, but before anything else can happen, Kazuki catches up, scooping Miri into his hands, his arms outstretched as she fights against air to be let go.
“Let me go! I wanna see Papa Rei!” The girl’s voice is practically a shout, and despite himself, Rei winced, burrowing further into the blanket. Kazuki must’ve noticed, or must have some sort of Rei-related intuition, because he shushed Miri as nicely as he could, even as the girl pouted.
“I know, I know! But Papa Rei is hurt right now, he needs to sleep.” Miri continued to pout at that, but she seemed at least slightly placated, her punching and kicking ending in favor of hanging loosely in Kazuki’s grasp.
“But we always sleep together!”
“I know, but just for tonight, no sleepovers.” Miri sighed dramatically, her body going limp, and Kazuki finally brought her into his chest. Rei watched the scene half-awake, but with a smile on his faceーluckily hidden by the blanket he had pulled up to his nose. The blond walked closer to him, still carrying Miri, his light eyes caught on Rei’s. “Now, say goodnight.” He extended Miri out again, keeping her just in reach of the man laying in the bed, but not close enough that she could jump out and grab him.
“Night, Papa Rei.” Miri reached a hand out and made a grabbing motion, a pout still on her face, and it almost broke his resolveーhe thinks Kazuki might’ve been only an inch away from losing it too, based on his grin behind her head. The girl began squirming again, and the blond man reluctantly let her down, keeping his hands open, ready to grab Miri at a moment’s notice, but the girl merely walked forward a step and sloppily kissed Rei’s head, causing the man to snort into his blanket.
“Alright,” Kazuki was grinning, his eyes practically sparkling, “if you go get in bed now, Papa Rei will get better sooner.” They both know it doesn’t work like that, and they also both know that it’s far too early for Miri’s usual bedtime, but the girl gasps as if she was just told a secret, and before either of them could say anything, she sprinted out the door. Kazuki turned to watch her leave, and for a moment, Rei had thought he was going to leave instantly.
Which is why he blames his hand crawling out of the covers and latching onto the blond’s arm as a side effect of the blood loss, and not on his own selfish cravings.
Kazuki turned back to him with his eyebrows raised, his grin softened as he stared at Rei, who refused to make eye contact, instead staring intently at where his fingers wrapped around his friend’s wrist. “Stay.” He doesn't know where that came from, and in the morning, if asked, he will refuse it ever even happened, but they both heard it, if the widened eyes and pink cheeks on Kazuki’s face were anything to go by.
Then, after a second of them both staring at each other had passed, the blond bolted out of the door behind Miri. Rei was truthfully too tired to be too hurt by his actions, and he thinks that if he had a clear mind, he would be taking this as some kind of sign, but as it is right now, he simply lays there, listening to the sounds of rummaging in his apartment, before Kazuki appears right back in Rei’s room, panting and now in pajamas.
“I put Miri to bed, she should be good.” Rei tries to nod at that, but it comes out stilted, and the blond ignores it anyway, hurrying to somewhere behind the black haired man’s field of vision. Rei feels the bed dip behind him, and he stays still as Kazuki climbs in, the sound of rustling filling the air as the warmth moves closer until he can feel the barest hints of hot breath on the back of his neck.
For a moment, Rei wonders who else has felt this with Kazuki. How many girls has he been in bed with like this? Did he keep count? Does he remember them all? To his knowledge, it’s been since they took Miri in that Kazuki’s gone out with anyone, and he wonders if it’s simply because of her, or if it’s for another, heartbeat-skipping reason.
He doesn’t know, but what he does know is that the feeling of breath on the back of his neck, and the graze of a hand on his back feels so right that he falls asleep almost immediately, managing to catch the beginning of a “goodnight” before he’s out completely.
And if he wakes up in the middle of the night to feel an arm around his waist, and lips brushing the back of his neck, he doesn’t move awayーdoctor Kazuki’s orders, after all.
-
They’ve had Miri for almost half a year now, and somehow, Rei’s nightmares are almost completely gone.
That’s not to say he doesn’t still have occasional ones, he can’t get rid of them that easily, but with the new addition of arms wrapping around him at night tooーan everyday thing since the day when he was stabbedーhe’s been left alone by his own brain for the most part. Or, maybe it had to do with the whole feeling revelation thing, now that his chest is looser, and now that he’s not trying to constantly hide away any feelings for Kazuki, his mind has decided to give him a break.
Whatever it was, he’s thankful for it, and he thinks that both Miri and Kazuki might be too.
Miri hasn’t made fun of his face in weeks, or had to do her “smile spell” in a while, and she doesn’t have to try as hard every night to drag him to bed. Meanwhile, Kazuki has started grinning at him more, and has started to rub his fingers under Rei’s eyes with a small smile, and more times than he can count, Rei’s woken up to find Kazuki just staring at him.
Although, maybe that has to do with the whole “we both had feelings for each other for so long now, we’re absolutely idiots, let’s make out” thing.
Whatever the reason is, Rei’s gotten better sleep in the last few weeks than he has in probably his entire life, and yet, here he is, gasping awake at a god awful hour of the night with a scream on the tip of his tongue and his eyes burning with unshed tears.
Miri doesn’t wake upーshe almost never does, something both him and Kazuki are thankful forーbut before Rei can even think about getting up and leaving to deal with the tears brimming his eyes, the face only inches from his own scrunches up, before light eyes are meeting his own, barely visible in the dark.
A hand reaches up, cupping Rei’s face as a thumb swipes under the eye that currently isn’t smushed into the pillow under his head, the tears gathering on Kazuki’s thumb as he wipes them away. Rei can’t bear to look away, even though he feels laid out and bare in front of the man across from him, who’s watching him with such worry-clouded eyes.
“Are you okay?” Kazuki’s voice sounds painfully concerned as he asks the question, and it causes Rei to choke up again, more tears releasing unintentionally. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, why he can’t just blame it on the last shreds of his nightmare, but he has a sneaking feeling that it’s because of the owner of the hand currently caressing his face.
“Yeah,” Rei says, entirely thoughtlessly, more out of habit than anything. His tears have stopped, luckily, but Kazuki’s hand hasn’t left his face, his thumb soft against pale skin. Rei gazes at him, at his open, honest face, at his messy, tangled hair, at the crease between his eyebrows as he tries to figure out how to help him more, and he finds that maybe his answer wasn’t entirely thoughtless.
Unlike the other times he would wake up from nightmares, to porcelain under him, and a chill up his back, he feels safe. Kazuki is just as strong as him, just as intent on keeping everybody in their bed right now safe, and Rei’s nightmare can’t be true because Kazuki wouldn’t let it be.
“Yeah,” Rei says, his voice firm and strong against the otherwise quiet night, and it causes a smile to stretch across Kazuki’s face. A matching one threatens Rei’s lips, and he’s powerless against it as he stares at the man across from him.
Yeah, he thinks he might be more than okay.