Chapter Text
"The mind is its own place, and itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n." John Milton; Paradise Lost
January 23, 2003
She stood there, quietly drowning. A heavy layer of powdery-sweet scent had flooded Inanna's lungs. In her hand, she held a kitchen scissor. She felt jittery—a tickling inside of her stomach—anticipating. Inanna casually reached her free hand forward. Suddenly, a rose—almost as big as a man's head—bloomed. A rose so pure that it glowed brighter than the moon. She grabbed it by its head and brought the scissor to the neck of the flower.
Snip.
The rose fell to the ground and withered immediately. Looking down, Inanna could see the decayed remains of the roses clinging to her bare feet. She wiggled her toes pressing down on the brown pulp. It oozed, saturating the atmosphere with its sickening odor. Her chest clenched. When a shifting sound reached her ears, Inanna raised her head. The neck of the flower that had lost its head became bulbous. The stem slithered towards her. A bud tore out of the bulb and reached for Inanna's mouth. Startled, she tried to step away only to stumble to the ground. Her feet were stuck, the brown pulp planting her feet to the ground. The bud pressed itself to invade Inanna's mouth. Drowning was not so quiet anymore. Her body involuntarily twitched searching for fresh air uncontaminated by the roses. Inside, the bud bloomed. She did not need to pull the rose out to know the color was yellow.
Inanna flew her eyes open. 5:21 am. She stared up at the wooden beam on her ceiling for a few minutes waiting for the lingering sensation to disappear. That particular dream had become Inanna's regular visitor for almost two years now. With a short sigh, she pulled herself out of the bed and left her bedroom. Inanna suppressed her urge to groan when she caught sight of her reflection in the bathroom mirror. It would take much longer for her to look presentable this morning. As much as she wanted to just brush her teeth, splatter her face, and call it a day, she didn't want to risk the glance Min Ju was going to send her way. Inanna could only take so much before she snapped, and lashing out at Min Ju had consequences. Always. And never good.
It took around forty minutes for her to get ready. Heading downstairs to the kitchen, Inanna smoothed down her clothes. She took extra care of her appearance this morning. There was a proposal that needed to win. As she prepared breakfast, Inanna mentally recited her pitch to remind herself. She had to persuade herself first if she wanted to have any chance at convincing Min Ju.
When the clock struck seven, her mother glided down the stairs clad in pastels as usual. Today was baby pink. Min Ju started the morning with a cheer.
"I like your hair this morning. Much better than that messy thing you call a bun." Min Ju commented fluttering her hands around.
"Thanks." Inanna released a sigh of relief. At least it's a compliment, as backhanded as it was.
"What's for today?" Min Ju asked after scanning the breakfast table. She already knew what they were, but she always asked.
"The usual. Beef-radish soup, rolled eggs, and rice."
Min Ju's lips quirked. Her mother wasn't impressed. Was she ever. Inanna focused her eyes on her spoon to prevent them from rolling. She had to turn Min Ju's mood around. Irritation would not help.
Inanna replied carefully. "Well, you have a hard time digesting heartier meals in the morning. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable throughout the day." She continued noticing Min Ju's face soften. "Remember that time when you had pork belly for breakfast? You were sick the whole day. I was so worried. It's nothing special, but you never get sick from the beef-radish soup."
After her reply, Inanna observed her mother's reaction. Min Ju's shoulder slowly ascended while the corner of her eyes slightly drooped. Inanna could feel her body involuntarily mirroring Min Ju's posture. Without replying, Min Ju raised her spoon satisfied. With Min Ju, Inanna learned throughout her life, behaviors that conveyed "love" placed anyone or anything in Min Ju's graces. Mostly. Her mother's reasonings revolved around her own constitutions and logic—or more like morals. It took Inanna's whole lifetime to learn the fine print of her mother's world. Even then, she still made mistakes. And those who made mistakes, Min Ju punished them. Inanna knew all too well how these punishments could ruin one's life. If anything, the incident two years ago was enough experience. This could be a such mistake. Even still, Inanna took her chance.
"There's a place…beside the park…that's empty." Her voice came out meek.
This was not a good way to start. Inanna's heart pounded against her ribcage. Min Ju looked up, brows furrowed.
Inanna tried again, "There's this place, beside the park."
Min Ju looked back down, uninterested.
"I was walking towards the park… And there was this little store. Empty. And, it's not big—"
Annoyed, her mother cut in, "Get to the point. All this talking around and not making sense makes you look unsophisticated."
Inanna wanted this. She needed this. Gathering up her courage, she clarified.
"There was a small store that was up for sale, and I bought that place."
With narrowed eyes, Min Ju asked, "Okay? Is this another one of your investments? What's the point of buying a small store in Forks, to rent it out?"
She couldn't keep this information anymore. Min Ju would eventually find out and that was not a situation Inanna wanted to be in.
"Yes and no. I will open a tea shop and work there. Not renting it out." And spend more time outside. But she refrained from adding the last bit.
"Why? When will you have time? And what can you do with a tea shop?" Min Ju paused, almost unnoticeable.
Relaxing her neck, Min Ju continued smoothly, as if to placate a child. "You already have so much on the plate, honey. Adding a tea shop will tire you. You know I worry."
Inanna knew her mother far too well for her to take Min Ju's words for as it was.
"I have plenty of time. I'll be fine."
Clearly unhappy that Inanna didn't back down, Min Ju tilted her head, feigning concern, "Where did you even find the money? I didn't realize you had all these funds."
Min Ju met Inanna's eyes, searching for something. Inanna had been hiding part of her investments from Min Ju. But she did not lie to her mother. Her mother viewed lying as one of the most cardinal crimes that could be committed against her.
"The lot was pretty old and had been empty for a few years now. The owner wanted to get rid of it, so the price was really cheap. And investments and stocks have been pretty successful. I have enough to start a tea shop," Inanna reasoned.
Worrying her lip, her mother lowered her head. Inanna suppressed her urge to bring her nails between her teeth when Min Ju pinched her nose and wobbled her lips. That face made her mother look vulnerable and harmless. Min Ju probably believed herself harmless, too. Weak and vulnerable thing that needed protection and understanding. That made everything so much worse. She was nothing if not harmless.
With a vulnerable voice, Min Ju tried again. "But what will I do when you are working? And you know the townspeople are wary of us. They don't trust us."
Yes, the townspeople were distant towards the mother and daughter who only relocated to Forks three years ago. Inanna was acutely aware of it, but it was not the mother and daughter they were cautious of.
"The townspeople aren't wary because they don't trust us. It was because of…your boyfriend. And he's gone now. If anything, I bet they feel worried about us." Inanna carried through. "You are good friends with Mrs. Stanley, aren't you? And you would have more time available for yourself. This will be good for you too."
Min Ju had become completely still. Anxiety pooled inside Inanna's stomach. Min Ju's boyfriend was a topic neither Inanna nor Min Ju wanted to discuss. The incident that happened two years ago had engraved its permanent marks on both of them to a degree that the word boyfriend became taboo in the household. She still recoiled when people casually spoke of the word boyfriend within Inanna's vicinity.
With a steely voice, Min Ju finally answered, "No."
Inanna had hoped explaining her reasonings and clarifying Min Ju's misunderstandings would be enough to convince her. But she was clearly mistaken. Inanna turned the argument around. If explanation did not convince her mother, maybe having a risk would.
"You know, they will start asking questions. I bet they already talk." Inanna mirrored her mother's concerned face. She looked down at her hands.
"What questions? They don't even know what to ask." Min Ju's face did not betray anything. Her brows were not furrowed, cheeks not heated, and her eyes still calm. But she did not meet Inanna's eyes.
Taking it as a cue, Inanna pressed further. "Any questions are not good for us. We disappeared for almost two years. Conveniently after his disappearance."
Her mother stayed silent refusing to engage now that the argument had suddenly turned to a sour subject.
"They might not have the exact questions, but they will be curious."
Her mother's eyes rolled to a side, engrossed in her thinking. After a beat of silence, Min Ju scoffed. "Let them be curious, then. They never act on them."
Her mother looked up and met Inanna's eyes. They were dismissive, and Inanna knew it was a challenge of sorts—egging her. This was not the reaction Inanna expected or wanted. Her mother was not budging. Frustration began to bubble inside Inanna, and against her better judgment, she acted without thinking.
"I am not asking for your opinion. I've already decided. I am just telling you as a courtesy" Inanna replied.
Min Ju's face significantly wilted after Inanna's harsh remark. "Courtesy? Are we not family? How do you get to decide things and not tell me?" Her mother continued with a softer voice, "Do you even think of me as your mother?"
She knew better than to believe her mother, but upon her mother's broken face, a part of her felt guilty. Some part of her thought that, maybe, this small freedom was not worth all these arguments. But another part of her—a much bigger part—felt vindictive. Inanna was vindictive and greedy. Min Ju had already taken everything from her and was never giving them back. She made decisions that impacted both of them without asking Inanna. She'd been selfish all along. Why couldn't Inanna?
Min Ju's eyes held a calculative gleam after noticing Inanna's elongated silence. Alarmed, Inanna hastily continued. "Yes, I do. But—"
Without giving her a chance to finish, Min Ju interrupted. "—If you did, then you wouldn't just throw this at me."
"You would have never allowed any of this. You would've said no—"
"—Don't put words into my mouth. Don't act like you know what I was going to do." Min Ju stared into Inanna's eyes without a blink. This time, Inanna diverted her eyes.
"I'm sorry. But this is really impor—"
Latching onto Inanna's hesitance, her mother pressed further, cutting Inanna's attempt at continuing her argument. "—Are you? Are you really sorry? You don't look like you are. You don't act like you are."
She felt cornered. Min Ju had taken the control of the argument, and Inanna could feel her chances of gaining her freedom—albeit small—slipping through her fingers.
Desperate, Inanna shouted, "Will you just stop interrupting!"
"Did you yell at me?" Min Ju's eyes widened a fraction, baffled, but her lips were slightly curved upwards. If Inanna was collected enough, she would understand what that almost unnoticeable smile meant. However, for now, Inanna chose to focus on her argument.
"I am not leaving. I am staying here. I am just trying to make a home here. I cannot stay in this house all the time. I need some place to breathe." She pleaded, "Give me a place to breathe, please."
If she could hear her own desperation, Min Ju would as well.
"Why should I when you don't even care about me?" With an icy voice, her mother pressed, still not giving what Inanna wanted.
"I care. I am here, aren't I?" Inanna took a deep breath and continued. "It is only a few minutes' drive, about five or six minutes. It won't change anything. This isn't some big deal."
And it wasn't. This shouldn't have led to this. But here they were, Min Ju firmly putting her foot down and Inanna fumbling to find anything to make it work. This was not what she planned.
"But it will change everything." Min Ju replied.
And truly, Inanna acknowledged that Min Ju did not gain any incentives by letting her go, even for a few hours. She didn't need to worry about bills, she had someone cooking and cleaning for her, and she had someone that cared for her and loved her. She was content. She kept Inanna specifically for these particular reasons. Why would Min Ju agree to something that she did not gain anything from?
Inanna reminded her mother. "It won't. I am here. I can't leave. You disagreed on college, on work, on vacations. I don't have friends. I am very well aware of my situation."
Min Ju smoothed her tone, returning to a softer demeanor, "I am only doing this for you. Because I worry about you, and I care about you. We only have each other."
"If you care, then let me have this one thing. Just this," Inanna said.
Exasperated that she brought up her argument once more, Min Ju sighed, "Why do you even ask me, clearly, you've already decided."
Inanna answered cautiously, but honestly. "Because…I want you to be okay with this." If she wanted to minimize the damage, Min Ju's agreement or even acknowledgment was imperative to Inanna. To please her mother, she added what Min Ju probably wanted to hear. "And you are right, we only have each other. "
This thankfully placated her mother enough. "Next time, tell me. Not a few weeks later, not a day later. Not telling me is lying by omission."
"…I'm sorry for keeping this," Inanna obliged.
Min Ju raised her eyebrows, prompting. "And…?"
"And, I am sorry for…lying," said Inanna, reluctantly.
Min Ju pushed, "I want you to promise me. That you'll never keep anything from me. I need you to tell me what you're thinking." Her mother was not entirely satisfied with the apology. She wanted more from her. "If you promise, then I would feel much better allowing this. Can you do that?"
Allowing, not agreeing. Inanna noticed her mother's wording. Min Ju spoke as if she had given Inanna a choice instead of an ultimatum.
But the answer was already set. "I promise," Inanna answered.
Pleased, Min Ju smiled. This time, it even reached her eyes. "It's for your own protection. You're only eighteen. I worry as I should."
"I know. Thank you for allowing this." Inanna forced herself to smile.
Her mother placed her hands on Inanna's shoulders and glanced distantly over the shoulder before meeting Inanna's eyes.
"You know I love you." A routine remark.
"I know. Me too." Smiling, Inanna replied dutifully.
With that, her mother turned away from Inanna to make her way toward the backyard, grabbing the gardening tools with her.
"Oh, and Inanna? Work on your smile a little more. It's a little stiff. It doesn't sell," Min Ju commented absentmindedly without giving Inanna much of a glance.
She stilled at the comment—tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth—unable to respond properly.
Chuckling at her silence, Min Ju turned around. Her eyes were kind with corners crinkling due to the smile. "You have to say it back, sweetheart."
It was cruel. But she parroted back, "I love you." And it was true. If you pretended something long enough, you started to believe it. And wasn't that a terrifying thought?
Min Ju turned towards her roses.
A few minutes after her mother disappeared from Inanna's sight, she allowed herself to breathe. Processing what she had just promised, Inanna fully understood the terms she had agreed to. She had gained a few hours of physical freedom, but Min Ju had gained the right to Inanna's mind. She had gained an illusion of freedom and Min Ju had finally, completely, had her.
Inanna had gotten what she wanted, but she didn't feel victorious.
2 years ago…
September 5, 2001
The world was blue, only a feint streak of orange dividing the heaven and earth. It was an unusual day. The sky was clear. Even the air was crisp with a sweet scent. A good day. Everything would be beautiful if it weren't for the quiet sniffles behind her. Inanna stopped to look at her shovel. After a beat, shoveling continued. Harsh sounds resonated as the metal cut through the land. Thankfully, the land was damp. When a drop of sweat fell from her nose, landing on her hand, Inanna stopped. Hands were turning red, muscles screaming after hours of abuse. They were going to blister; she would have bought gloves if she was thinking.
Inanna felt her labored breathing, chest rising rapidly, clawing its way out of her throat. No longer could she hear the surroundings; her heart resided between her ears now, flooding them—swoosh, swoosh—beating against the skull. Maybe that was why she didn't think, a heart had replaced the brain. The shake of her hands had now spread across her body. Inanna looked down at her hole. Was it deep enough? Hopefully. Continuing was futile anyway. She used her shovel to pull herself out of her hole.
A lump wrapped loosely with white linen laid closest, and beside it stood three rose bushes, yet to be planted. Inanna looked past the roses. Upon resting her eyes on a woman's face, wet from doing nothing but weeping, Inanna shoved down her desire to scream. But, hasn't she done enough?
"I need help. It's too heavy."
A voice that came out reminded her of a pig. Her mother, glued on her heels, raised her hands to cover her face. Her eyes peaking through the hands, and she shook her head. Inanna found the courage to meet her eyes. A shiver went down her spine, raising every hair along the way. Calm eyes. Too-calm eyes resting on a face wet, red, and bloated from hours of crying made an eerie sight. A voice whispered in her head. She believed this was just. Unfortunate, but well-deserved. You know why. Inanna shifted her gaze to her hands, away from the woman's eyes.
Inanna wanted to run. Far, far away. Somewhere she can be free. But she stayed nailed to her spot.
Min Ju slowly walked towards the lump. Inanna silently crouched to grab one end, and her mother followed suit with the other end. Together, they raised the lump and threw it down the hole. Her mother was weeping again. Inanna stood in front of her hole that was now occupied with something other than herself for a few heartbeats. She grabbed the shovel and began to cover it with soil. There was no turning back.
When the white linen disappeared under a thin layer of soil, Inanna dragged the roses inside the hole, planting them. When Inanna finished patting down the soil, cold, clammy hands tugged Inanna up, pulling her into a hug.
It was warm to the touch, but her inside shriveled up. Her mother had her. She had her.
Min Ju pulled away enough to meet Inanna's eyes. Fear crept up. Mother opened her mouth. Inanna wanted to shut her eyes and cover her ears. But her eyes were bound like her arms by the embrace. The whisper reached her ears.
"Love never leaves." A silent demand.
She should say it back. Don't say it back. Inanna loved her mother as much as she wanted to be free of her. But love never leaves.
Mother hugged her tighter. She opened her mouth.
"Love never leaves."
Inanna parroted back. A voice whispered in her head, guaranteeing her regret. Mother breathed out and rested her head below Inanna's chin. Dread pooled in her stomach. She would never leave. She was tied. At the same time, she felt relief. Min Ju was tied, too.
Looking over her mother's head, Inanna felt the white roses shimmer. Shining bright under the sunlight that crept upon them, cementing it. Of what, Inanna was not sure. Perhaps a funeral or wedding, maybe both. White roses for death and love bound. The air smelled sweeter. The roses would grow bigger and stronger feeding off of the corpse under the bushes. Inanna swallowed her bile.