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1)Sydney Crosby: Sydney Crosby is paranoid about birth control. It's slightly less ridiculous than her pregame superstitions, but she knows she goes a bit overboard. She gets Depo Provera injections and uses condoms and spermicide on top of that. She also avoids penetrative sex when she would be ovulating if she wasn't on birth control and any time she takes antibiotics*. After the fourth time she made Geno go to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test (it turned out negative) she just pulled her cap down really, really far and went to the dollar store to buy an entire stash.
She still keeps an organized list of baby names hidden in her kitchen drawer, ranked and separated by gender, with Canadian and Russian subsections. She’ll need them one day.
2)Alexandra Ovechkina: When she was 16 she missed a month and couldn't tell if she was nauseous every day because of morning sickness or because of stress. She was so close to the NHL she could almost taste it, and she couldn't imagine telling her mother that she had fucked it all up. Literally. She bled the next month though. For a while after that she mostly stuck to mouth and hands. She went on the pill when she moved out of her parents home to start playing for the Dynamo. No way she was getting that close to losing everything again.
3)Yevgeniya Malkina: Yevgeniya was shy and awkward as a teenager and she spent most of her time at hockey practice anyway. She kinda had a boyfriend for a year during the lockout, but in retrospect she's pretty sure he was gay. She met Sidney Crosby the first confusing, exhausting day she came to the United States. He didn’t know a single word of Russian and the only word of English she knew was “hockey”. They managed to understand each other through crude pantomime, though they kept laughing at how silly the other one looked. Sid had almost walked into a door trying to assist with her luggage while simultaneously diagramming a play. He had a nice smile. A week after moving to Pittsburgh, starting with the Penguins, and meeting Sid she got a hormonal IUD, just in case.
4)Kristina Letang: Kris has been firmly against having children since she was 10. She watched Danielle Briere bounce between the AHL and the NHL and miss months at a time. That's not what she wants at all. She tells people that for a decade and a half, but everyone seems certain that she'll change her mind. Kris doubts it; other people's kids are fine but that's because she gets to return them. She doesn't want to have any of her own. The Pens bring in an ob-gyn at the beginning of every year to do an annual check-up along with the other doctors, but he's always refused to do something permanent. "You're too young," he tells her. "Wait until you've retired and have more time to think about it."
She lets him put her off for a few years, but he's not the only ob-gyn in the world. She goes at home, where she knows they'll speak French and she won't have to worry about insurance. The doctor at Planned Parenthood listens and shockingly, believes her on the kid thing. She gets Essure, and then comes back right before training camp for x-rays to make sure that her tubes have closed completely. It's a relief to have it over and done with. On the Pens' paperwork she writes her form of birth control with a flourish, secure in the knowledge that she's done what's best for her.
5)Andrée Fleury: She never had a problem with her period. She got it for the first time after practice when she was twelve. Her mother must have called her father because he bought home a bouquet of flowers and gave her a hug, the most fuss her family ever made about it. During the season she sometimes was irregular, but between the amount of exercise she gets and the amount of traveling she does it's hardly a surprise. She keeps an eye on it but doesn't worry too much. She's on the pill and she knows if one of them did knock her up, Max and Tanger would support whatever she choose.
Their cup run is crazy, and the days blur into games and practices and travel and interviews and waiting for teams to finish up so they can get to the next series. Besides, her cycle always gets out of synch during the playoffs. She's never been happier in her life than when the buzzer sounded after game seven and that's it, it's over, they've won. The cup weighs nothing when she lifts it over her head.
She starts having hot flashes in mid-July, when the weather is so disgusting that her body protesting seems perfectly normal. It's not until she wakes up covered in sweat the sixth time that Max convinces her to schedule a doctor's appointment. When the doctor asks for the last time she menstruated Andrée draws a blank. Her doctor notes it down on the clipboard and then suggests they do a blood test, "just in case". She can't be that much older than Andrée, but she has a calming doctor voice and pulls off glasses in the authoritative way that Andrée never could.
The results come back a week later and the same doctor explains what it means, her nails a light pink when she points at the estrogen to FSH balance. Andrée's mom went through menopause a few years ago; none of the symptoms she's told to expect are a unfamiliar. She keeps herself together during the appointment. She bundles her feelings down tightly underneath her lungs, refusing to break down in front of strangers. After it's done, she cries in her car, gross heaving sobs that are wrenched from deep within her. The collar of her t-shirt is wet by the time she cries herself out and starts the drive back home.
She conference calls Max and Kris, her voice catching on "stérile". They didn't have plans for kids, nothing more concrete than "someday" but it still feels like driving a spike through their future. "Well," Max says after she's done, "at least we don't have to worry that the kids will look like Tanger."
"Fuck you too Talbot," Kris says, "I wouldn't want to inflict your face on anyone."
"Guess we're adopting then," Andrée says through a wavery smile. This whole hormonal emotional whiplash thing is pretty silly, but she'll make it through. She laughs as the boys start arguing about baby names and whether they should get a boy or a girl. There's still mourning she needs to do, for all the black-haired, brown-eyed children they'll never have, but this is hardly the end of things.
5)Carrie Price: She's not dumb. She's always used condoms and she's got plan B stored in the medicine cabinet, just in case. When she and PK start getting serious though... He lets her know, casually, that he's clean (minus HSV-1 but whatever, she has that too, who cares about cold sores, their mouths are dry as fuck after spending so much time on the ice anyway). She talks to her ob-gyn after getting tested and they decide that the patch is probably her best option. It's lighter than even the skin above her hip, the same color as the trainers' “flesh colored” band-aids. She always buys the Spiderman bandaids herself. She has a few double takes before she automatically thinks "birth control" rather than "when did I get cut?". When she stops being surprised she goes to find PK to celebrate.
6)Karla Subban: Karla's dad works in continuing ed. She gets the sex talk every time one of his students gets knocked up and has since she was six. There are family discussions about her older sisters’ birth control choices around the dinner table. She can name six different types of BC and how each prevents pregnancy before she hits puberty.
Her period starts at twelve, and she promptly gets cramps that have her heaving over the toilet once a month for two years. It totally fucks with her hockey schedule. At fourteen they finally accept that it's not getting better and the doctor and her parents agree to let her use the NuvaRing back to back (easier to remember than the pill). Now she schedules her period three times a year, once during the summer and the other times on off days. Carey gets her peanut M&Ms and Gatorade and rubs her back and hey, it's only three times a year.
7)Tyler Seguin: Mostly she and Marchy use condoms, although there were a few times they forgot after the Cup run. Whatever, nothing bad happened.
8)Erica Staal: She started on the pill as a teenager but it gave her terrible mood swings to the point where she was sobbing hysterically after the other team scored during her shift. It still the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to her, including when her brothers decorated her major junior locker room with her underwear. Her mom had sewed little “Staal” labels into all her clothing before she left home, so everyone definitely knew who the pink polka dotted panties with the little bow in front belonged to.
Plus hormonal birth control absolutely killed her libido. What was the point of that? She switched to a copper IUD and it's been working really well for her so far.
9)Jordy Staal: She's not super good at keeping to a set schedule, so she gets Implanon. There's a tiny scar on her upper arm and she rubs at it sometimes when she's distracted before games.
10)Jess Skinner: Tragically Jess doesn't need birth control for forever because she can't convince Eric that 18 is draftable and totally old enough for a relationship. Finally she ambushes him at the hotel to demand he stop looking at her if he doesn't intend to follow up. At first he squawks about being only in his boxers (like she hasn't seen them in the locker room) and makes her turn around so he can lower the covers and put on clothes. But they finally talk things out and he agrees to stop pretending and she agrees to stop pushing. He still cockblocks the fuck out of her for the better part of a year though, because he's the worst. He's lucky she thinks he's worth waiting for.
11)Danielle Briere**: She tried her damnedest to breast feed all three her sons. She's lucky Caelan was born in July and she had a strong enough start to the season that it didn't matter too much she missed the last three months. It happens. She doesn't get the AHL rookie award she wanted, but when Caelan smiles it doesn't matter. There's always next year to make the show. Her milk comes easily and her mama talks to her aunt, who did La Leche in the seventies. She hates the pump but she's storing enough milk for Silas to feed Caelan during road trips. Plus, as her aunt reminds her, free birth control.
She keeps pumping, so the "+" on the pregnancy test in March floors her. According to her aunt she had at least six months, maybe a bit more. She hasn't had a period for so long that it wasn't until the morning sickness that she realized something might be different. She finishes out the season (thank God) and is guiltily grateful when Carson arrives a few weeks early in September.
Silas gets a vasectomy, a "birthing gift" he jokes. She manages to get in shape by mid-November and spends the season bouncing between the AHL and the NHL. It makes things even more difficult, feeding-wise. She breastfeeds at home as often as she's able to, but Carson is mostly a formula baby.
Cameron's a surprise, a gift from God (as all her children are), and the beginning of the end of her marriage. She breastfeeds him the longest, compensation for all the screaming fights he had to endure in utero. She's promised a chance at a regular roster spot on the Coyotes, so she starts serious conditioning in July, transitioning Cameron to formula.
Danielle is far too old for that nonsense by the time she and Claude become she-and-Claude. They use condoms and she's on the pill because she doesn't want to mess with the end of her career the way she did with the start. She gets a few eggs frozen though. She's not getting any younger, and she's always wanted a girl.
12)Claudia Giroux: The Flyers haven't won a Cup in decades but Claudia's determined to make the attempt every single year. Unfortunately, this demands sacrifices. Abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control, and Claudia sees no need to add to the Brioux household just yet. The funny thing about abstinence, as she's learning, is the definition can be so much broader than Father Pierre ever imagined.
Claudia gasps and shudders, her hands tightening on Danny's hair before she goes limp. He waits for her to float back down before saying, "Mon chou..."
"Oh," Claudia says. "Of course." She reaches down for him and it's not long at all before he's done as well. No more children for them right now, but that doesn't mean they can't have their fun.
13)Patricia Kane: Pat really wishes she had female friends who weren't her sisters. Since she can’t make the dude who knocked her up drive her to the abortion clinic (she was pretty drunk that night and didn’t get his last name much less his number) she’d at least like to take another girl. But at this point it would be wrong to trick some girl into being her friend just so she can get a ride home. She just has to make the best of her options.
She wants some liquid courage before she calls, but when she looks at the beer in her fridge she thinks of all those slides in seventh grade health class about fetal alcohol syndrome. It’s like every health teacher she’s ever had is staring disapprovingly at the back of her head. She’s not Catholic enough to keep the pregnancy, but she can’t bring herself to actually damage it. No one ever fully escapes Catholic guilt. Tragically she has to man the fuck up and call Jonny sober. It sucks. She stammers out an explanation in fits and starts and waits anxiously after she says "so I probably shouldn't drive after that."
"Probably not," Tazer agrees. This is why he's her bffffffff (the extra f's are for fffffforever, duh), because it's not his fault and he's still stepping up. They make arrangements for next Wednesday. Pat's not at all surprised when Jonny shows up at her place to play Call of Duty after practices and before game day naps every day that week. They don't talk about her appointment because Jonny's allergic to feelings, but he actually initiates a few off-ice hugs and keeps telling the media what a vital part of the team she is, which would be an impassioned speech of emotional support from anyone else.
Kaner's a crier, she knows this, so when a few sniffles escape her in the waiting room she not happy, but she's not surprised. She doesn't expect Jonny pulling her into his side, wrapping his arm around her back. She takes off her aviators and tucks her head into his shoulder, hiding from the rest of the room, and just lets it all out. His shirt is soaked when they call her name and he kisses her on the forehead before she gets up. Later she remembers it as their first kiss. "Go get 'em," he says, which is what he always says to her before games. It's not actually inspiring, but well, Captain Serious.
After he drives her home and tucks her into bed, bringing her red Gatorade, her favorite. "Don't forget to hydrate, we have a bag skate tomorrow."
"I know how to take care of myself you asshole," and he doesn't point to recent evidence to the contrary.
"You're going to be a good mom," he says, because he knows she wants eventually wants kids, just not for a while.
"I'm going to be an awesome mom," she tells him. "Did you see how many kids were wearing my jersey the other day? But I'm putting it off until we've got a few more Cups."
"Good plan, Kaner," he says. She outskates him the next day in practice. They need to get on that whole Cup thing after all.
14)Janine Toews: "It's empty," she said, shaking the box in Kaner's face to make herself perfectly clear. God-fucking-damnit, she knew they should have gone back to her place after practice. Kaner digs around in his bedside dresser, pulling out another box and flipping it over. "I don't think these are expired, I got them last year but--"
"Latex, Kane, latex," she says, taking it out of his hand and dropping it back in the drawer. She made the mistake of not checking a condom once and spent most of the van ride back from a Sioux game feeling like her vag was on fire. That was the end of her fuck-buddies agreement with Oshie right there.
He digs around some more while she glares at the back of his head. Janine had strict rules about not fucking around during practice, but Kaner kept looking at her and then they finished off with board battles. Obviously pressing up against each other for the better part of five minutes didn't really help with the sexual tension. If she can't fuck Kaner now because they don't have condoms she's going to be really pissed off.
"Oh hey," Kaner says, turning around with the diaphragm and spermicide in his hand. They used the diaphragm twice after they'd been exclusive for a while but had quickly gone back to condoms. Condoms were easier to get on and off and Pat could get rid of them right afterwards. Janine had no idea he still even had the diaphragm. If they had a game that night she would have just settled for fingers, but their next game is tomorrow afternoon, and she did want to get fucked.
She takes the diaphragm and spermicide, standing up so she can get it in right. She squirts the spermicide in and then folds and inserts the diaphragm, poking around a bit just to make sure she's got her cervix covered. "It's really, really hot when you touch yourself," Pat tells her earnestly.
She rolls her eyes at him. Inserting birth control is basically the opposite of sexy. "Shut up Kaner," she says as she gets back into bed.
"Yes ma'am," he says, already reaching for her and well, she supposes he's good for some things.
15)Tina Oshie Junior: “Bergie,” she says, drawing out the vowels.
He looks torn, holding the box of condoms in his left hand and his right hand on her upper thigh where it’s wrapped around his waist. “But Teej--”
“You know what it’s like when I’m on my period, come on Bergie, stop being a spoilsport.” She starts running her hands over her breasts because she’s not above using the fact she has fantastic boobs to her advantage.
“But the antibiotics,” he starts again.
“Yeah, which is why I’m taking my week off early, might as well,” she says, wiggling a bit against him. He makes a face and yeah, he’s close to giving in. “Besides, it’s like, super impossible for me to get knocked up on my period, I learned that in Bio One.”
She actually skipped half of Bio One because it was a nine am class the semester she and Jonny were fucking around, and she was low on sleep even without getting up at ass o’clock. But whatever, it’s totally true.***
Bergie bites his lower lip. He likes fucking her bare almost as much as she likes it. She pulls out her closing argument. “I’ve got the morning after pill in the bathroom, I’ll take one after we’re done, promise.” She starts rubbing circles over her left nipple.
He finally drops the condoms and gets down to business. She keeps the fist pump mental because it’s hard to have sex and have a celly at the same time.
16)Jennifer Carter: She had legally changed her name at eighteen (she had never, ever felt like a Jeff) and she’s been using female pronouns and living as a woman for longer than that. So when the ruling comes out she lets out a shaky breath, and doesn't cry. She was going to do the physical transition eventually; the NHL’s ruling on sex reassignment therapy just means she can do it before she retires. It would be fucking dumb to get worked up over. Her eyes might have been a bit red though. Richie doesn’t say anything, just passes the tissues.
Their cup hangover knocked them out in the second round and Jennifer was happier about the summer starting early than she should have been. She had consulted with her doctor and her therapist and the three of them decided to start on the estrogens, progestogens, and anti-androgens the day after the season ends. Sean, her trainer, also wants to start her early so they could gauge the effects of the hormone treatment on her conditioning long before she has to start ramping up for camp. Her adjustment to the hormones is "case perfect" according to Dr. Martinez, and her shrink says that she's doing just fine. Sean tells her she's growing a nice big hockey butt, which is a thumbs up from him too. She decides to move forward and do some of the outpatient surgeries.
She schedules the tracheal shave for late July and then quietly freaks out about it for a week. "What if it fucks up my breathing? Or what if I get an infection and my conditioning goes to shit and I show up at camp fat and out of shape and can't skate?" she asks Mike after he finally pries her out of her sulk.
Mike rolls his eyes. "Do you honestly think that Dr. Martinez would let them fuck up your surgery? And Sean'll kick your ass into shape no matter how fat you try and get. Besides, you could barely skate in the first place, it's just that no one's notice yet. Now stop fucking worrying and pet the dog, you're making him nervous." Arnold is sitting at their feet, his legs up in the air and his tongue sticking out. He doesn't have a single care in the goddamn world. Jennifer gives him belly scritches anyway, because he's a good dog and it's not his fault that his dad is full of shit.
Arnold wiggles a bit and then Mike takes over, stroking his back from head to tail and getting enough hair in the process to make another lab. "I should really brush him," Mike says, which he's said at least five times in the past week.
"You really should," Jennifer agrees, leaning against Mike's shoulder. "You're kinda a horrible dad."
"Fuck you," Mike says. "I'm a fucking fantastic dad. Just wait until we have kids, I'm gonna be amazing."
They haven't really talked about the whole kids thing yet, nothing more serious than mocking celebrity baby names and swearing that they would do better. Well that and agreeing that they'd never let any kid of theirs be a goalie, because goalies were crazy. But she and Richie, they're for keeps. And she might not have a uterus, and she won't actually carry their children. But they'll still have kids one day. The two legged type even.
17)Michelle Richards: At the beginning they had split topping fifty-fifty; sometimes Carts would fuck her and sometimes she would fuck him. He upgraded her harness for their first Valentines' Day, a year after they got together while they were playing on the Phantoms.
It felt natural to fuck Jeff until he was begging to come, so at first she didn't notice that she was topping a lot more. It wasn't until she was taking the harness off and couldn't remember the last time Jeff had put it in her that she realized how long it had been.
"Hey," she said, poking Carts where he was sprawled out besides her. "Why aren't you fucking me?"
He points to the giant bruise developing on his left ribs. "You were there when Chara took me to the boards this afternoon right? Because that shit fucking hurt. I'm okay with you doing the hard work."
"I know you're a lazy ass, but I literally can't remember the last time you fucked me," Michelle said, dropping her harness off the side of the bed to clean later.
Jeff shrugs. "I like being fucked a lot more than you do," which is true, although she doesn't remember saying it in so many words. "Besides, neither of us really likes condoms so there's less to worry about this way."
"I guess. But I can't believe you want me to do the exact same amount of skating as you and then all the work in bed," she says, fluffing her pillow and then yawning. "Men."
"If I promise to clean the harness from now on and ride you next time will you shut up and go to sleep?" Jeff asks, already closing his eyes.
"Deal," she agrees, and they both drop off to sleep.
18)Brianne Nugent-Hopkins: For a while she thought that she was a lesbian because she didn't want to kiss any of the boys on her team. Then she realized that she didn't want to kiss any of the girls either. Thank god for Google, Wikipedia, and the AVEN website. Sometimes people talk about sex in the locker room, but it's not for her. Once in a blue moon when she wants an orgasm, she gives herself one with a vibrator.
19)Jordan Eberle and Taylor Hall: Monogamous lesbianism really eliminates any chances of accidental pregnancy. Jordan very generously donated her condom stash to Gags after she and Taylor got together. She tries to be a team player like that.