Archive of Our Own

A little smile dances on Jisung’s lips at seeing his tiny bed filled with pillows and a navy blue blanket. There is his laptop with a horror film waiting for him, various snacks, and his favourite plushie that he brought from home.

Jisung feels the excitement rushing through his veins when someone knocks on his dorm door. He clears his throat and pulls himself together, attempting to conceal his eagerness. When he swings the door open, he sees Minho’s face breaking into a wide grin. He is so beautiful, his beauty leaves Jisung breathless.

“Hey,” Minho greets, stepping into Jisung’s dorm and dropping his bag to the floor.

“Hi,” Jisung replies, his bunched-up cheeks rosy and warm. He wants to cup Minho’s cheeks and kiss him right away, but he puts his hands behind his back and fidgets with his fingers secretly. 

He waits for Minho to take his jacket off, his gloves and scarf too. Minho wears a little smile, one that Jisung has come to know so well in the past months, and then he cups Jisung’s chubby cheeks and thumbs the roundness of them.

“Hey,” Minho repeats, his voice lower and softer.

With tentative hands, Jisung clutches Minho’s sweater. “Hi.”

He feels so silly, extremely dumb. Jisung has turned into a lovestruck fool since he met Minho and started falling for him, and he isn’t the slightest ashamed of that.

“You look pretty today,” Minho compliments, brushing black hair out of Jisung’s forehead and planting a brief kiss there. Jisung wants him to kiss his lips. 

“Thank you,” he says. Jisung wonders what about him looks pretty today because he is just wearing sweatpants and one of his fluffiest sweaters. 

They are still in the foyer. Minho is holding Jisung’s face with one of his hands, his other hand caressing Jisung’s hair, and the younger man is holding Minho’s waist. 

“Did you have a good day?” Minho asks, kissing the tip of Jisung’s nose. 

“Yeah.” Jisung looks at Minho’s mouth and then gazes up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, he spots the naughty glint pooling in those pretty eyes. “I had just one lecture, I spent the rest of my day working on some assignments and…” he trails off.

Minho arches one of his eyebrows. “And?”

Jisung flushes scarlet, and the tips of his ears are warm. “I… I thought about you, too.”

Minho giggles, gently and lovingly. He wears this tender gaze that makes Jisung blush, his heart shakes and he thinks about whining and burying his face into Minho’s neck, but Minho cups his cheeks with both hands and glances at his mouth.

“So cheesy, Jisungie,” he says and then leans forward to connect their lips in a sweet kiss.

Jisung isn’t an expert when it comes to kissing, he likes to think that his kisses are good enough to keep Minho with him, but he knows that Minho has kissed other guys that surely are better than him. However, Minho kisses him with a loving force. He is gentle with Jisung, pecking his lips a few times after their kiss, and caressing his nape and cheeks.

“Cute,” Minho murmurs and pecks Jisung’s lips one last time. He peels himself off Jisung, ruffles his hair and picks his bag up from the floor to head to Jisung’s tiny bedroom. Jisung pouts at the loss of warmth but follows Minho’s steps. “Have you already chosen the film?”

“Yep,” Jisung replies. “Do you want to take a shower?” he asks, knowing that Minho was in the studio before coming to his dorm to have their usual movie night. 

Minho shakes his head. “You don’t have to worry about my smelly feet, I took a shower in the studio.” Jisung giggles while getting comfortable on his bed. “But I’m gonna change, I brought my pyjamas.”

Jisung smiles and nods. Minho takes his pyjamas out of his bag and waddles to the bathroom, a loving smile blooms on Jisung’s face. He gnaws at his lower lip, and the excitement of spending time with Minho comes back in the shape of strong waves that leave him grinning and flushing. 

Their relationship is quite new, to be honest. They met around five months ago thanks to Changbin, who introduced the two of them. Minho is Changbin’s roommate and Jisung is Changbin’s classmate. Even if Jisung is a diffident guy, it isn’t too hard to get along with Minho since the two of them have lots of tastes in common—films, food, and humour. Changbin was one of the most important pieces that helped Jisung to get to know Minho better. He was the one who picked on Jisung’s interest and did everything he could to get them in the same room. 

Changbin not only helped them to get to know each other better, but he was also the one that encouraged Jisung to confess his feelings to Minho. It was difficult, a task of many, many… many weeks between some incidents and confrontations. But, in the end, it succeeded and now Jisung gets to kiss his boyfriend whenever he wants to. 

Jisung remembers the nervousness he felt before confessing to Minho, he couldn’t stop stammering and his cheeks were angry red. He thought he was going to cry at the end of his confession, but Minho’s happy eyes and reassuring words made the sun appear on that stormy day.

It’s been a month since they started dating and Jisung feels on cloud nine—he is too weak in front of the name of love. He likes Minho too much. It’s his first official relationship and the first time he feels such feelings towards someone, so he is naturally scared and inexperienced, but Minho has never made him feel inferior or insecure. It doesn’t mean that Jisung doesn’t have insecurities, he has a lot of them but Minho is always there to fade them away.

Minho comes back with his cute pyjamas and a cute smile on his face. “I’m ready!” he says, turning off the lights and snuggling next to Jisung. Jisung can’t stop looking at him. “C’mon, baby. Press the play button.”

Baby. Butterflies flutter their wings in Jisung’s tummy and a blush spreads across the apples of his cheeks. Minho doesn’t usually call him by pet names, but Jisung’s heart stutters when Minho does it. It sounds so sweet coming from his mouth. 

“Okay, okay,” Jisung replies, trying not to make a big deal out of the pet name, and presses the play button. Minho rests his head on Jisung’s chest and the younger one kisses him on the crown of his head. Everything is so domestic and tender—Jisung loves every second with Minho.

The tiredness wraps around Jisung’s bones and doesn’t go away on Thursday. He spent the night studying for an important quiz, drinking coffee like a maniac to the point that his hands are shaking now.

He leaves the classroom with his eyes stinging, his phone chimes on his way to the cafeteria and the name of his boyfriend makes him smile for the first time.

Minho♥:

wanna meet up for lunch?

i made a lot of gimbap last night … you could come to have lunch with me and help me to eat them

Jisung giggles. He accepts the offer and Minho immediately texts him back, telling him to meet him in the dance studio. Before making his way to the studio, Jisung buys two cans of soda and jogs towards the studio. He is too excited. 

With cheeks looking rosy and eyes glimmering under the winter grey clouds, he rushes into the dance studio and finds Minho fumbling with his shoelaces on the floor. Minho’s face lights up when he looks at Jisung, the corners of his mouth curling up into a loving smile.

“Hey,” Minho greets and plants a kiss on Jisung’s cheek. “Thank you,” he says when Jisung hands him one of the sodas.

“Looks tasty,” Jisung whispers once Minho opens the lid of his lunchbox. The weariness keeps clinging to his bones and Jisung isn’t so talkative today, but he doesn’t care at all. Minho seems to sense his fatigue and does all the talking, keeping his voice soft and low. He kisses Jisung’s cheeks, feeds him and scratches his chin as if he was a kitten. 

“You look beautiful today,” Minho says once they have finished their lunch. He has to go back to practising his routine and Jisung wants to go to his dorm and sleep. 

Jisung smiles and rolls his eyes. He is pretty sure that he isn’t looking good right now—wearing one of his biggest sweaters, dishevelled hair, and dark marks under his eyes.

“Shut up,” he replies. Jisung gnaws at his lower lip, glancing at Minho’s mouth, and smiles like an idiot before pecking Minho’s lips. 

Minho grins. “Text me when you get home, alright?”

Jisung nods and distances from Minho, yet his boyfriend clenches his fist on his sweater and brings him closer to kiss him on the mouth. Jisung is surprised for a long second, but then he relaxes and kisses Minho back. Sweet and brief.

“See you,” Minho says and squishes one of his cheeks with his fingers.

Jisung feels warmth spilling all over his chest and wrapping around his heart. 

Jisung’s roommate is a guy with freckled cheeks and a strong accent. His name is Felix, a dance major just like Minho, and he is a great roommate and friend so far. Jisung likes him, the slim boy makes Jisung feel comfortable.

While Jisung is gawky, Felix is friendly. While one of them has to make a lot of effort to make small conversations or friends, the other is easily approachable and doesn’t have a hard time making friends. Felix has apparently gotten used to Jisung’s personality—gauche, sometimes too quiet or too boisterous, with a social battery that drains quickly. He knows when Jisung needs space and prefers being alone rather than hanging out. 

Felix is a good friend, and Jisung is happy to know that the two of them were paired up together to share a dorm. 

There is someone else with a personality similar to Felix’s—Chan. He is all bright smiles, cute dimples, warm hugs and contagious laughter. The two of them are perfect for each other, they are the outgoing and lovely couple that everyone loves. Jisung got to know Chan through a joint project for his music production class, he had to work with one of the seniors and both were paired up together. 

It is impossible not to admire Chan in the way Jisung does it. The guy is incredible in all the aspects you could imagine—professionally, personally, and physically. He is even emotionally and mentally strong. Sometimes, a pang of jealousy pools in the pit of Jisung’s stomach when he looks at Chan and Felix together. He isn’t attracted to any of them (of course not, he is very much in love with Minho), but… he would love to be like Chan for Minho. Strong, clever, affable, and affectionate in front of people. 

Minho’s giggles take Jisung out of his thoughts. They are at the Bowling Center with Felix and Chan, playing, laughing and munching on pizza. It's a kind of double date that Felix organized. Jisung was thrilled at first, but now he just feels a bit tired and sad because of the jealousy embracing his heart. He shouldn’t feel like that. Minho likes him for the way he is, right?

… But watching Chan guffawing at Felix for his terrible score, cupping his boyfriend’s freckled cheeks and kissing his pouty lips, makes Jisung’s stomach twist again. He glances at Minho, who is looking at his friends with a fond expression on his face and a little smile dancing on his lips. Jisung is sure that Minho would like to have that—a public display of affection, kisses on his lips, strong arms wrapping around his waist and lifting him from the floor. 

Jisung looks down at his fidgeting fingers. He can’t imagine himself doing that. The embarrassment wouldn’t let him kiss Minho in front of people, his slim figure wouldn’t let him lift Minho and twirl him.

“Jisungie.” Minho’s low voice shakes him out of his thoughts. Jisung looks up, his cheeks feeling warm. “Are you okay?” Minho tilts his head. 

Jisung pushes down his insecurities and forces a little smile at his boyfriend. It’s dumb. His insecurities are silly, right? Minho is dating him because he likes him the way he is, he doesn’t need to change anything or wish to be another person. He only needs to be Han Jisung, that’s the one that made Minho like him.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies and presses his lips into a thin line. “Sorry, I was thinking about the anime we’re watching.”

“Oh!” Minho’s face lights up instantly. “You didn’t finish the last episode without me, right? I told you to wait till next Friday!”

He giggles and pecks Minho’s pouty lips, catching him off guard. The warmth crawls up to the tips of his ears. Minho looks elated. 

“I didn’t finish the episode, don’t worry.”

“Great, darling.”

Jisung loves when Minho calls him by pet names.

The soft chattering of Changbin and Chan is the perfect excuse for Jisung to not continue working on his assignment. He can’t keep working on this essay when his brain has already melted. All he wants is kisses on his cheeks and cuddles from one special boy with cat-like eyes and a pretty smile. He can’t have that at the moment because Minho is in one of his lectures, so all he can do is take a quick picture of himself pouting and send it to his boyfriend.

Jisung:

[attached image]

missing you sm 😣

Minho replies immediately and a smile blooms on Jisung’s tired face.

Minho♥:

i’ll kiss you all night

Jisung giggles.

Jisung:

you can’t do that, we have to finish the episode today

Minho♥:

idc

i will kiss you and watch the episode, i can do both !! you will see

Jisung can’t fight back the smile on his face. He leaves his phone on the desk so Minho focuses on his lecture and looks up at his friend, their conversation sinking into his mind.

“You’ll have to confess to Seungmin tonight,” Chan says, a playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Jisung frowns. “What?” he blurts out, confused. 

“Yes!” Chan replies, enthusiastically. His pale cheeks are rosy and Jisung can spot some tiny freckles on the skin. “Changbin’s so in love with Seungmin, didn’t you notice it?” Jisung tilts his head, he honestly hadn't noticed anything until now. Chan waves his hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter, Sungie. What matters is that he should confess to him tonight at the party, shouldn’t he?”

The frown on Jisung’s face deepens. “Party?” He didn’t know anything about any party.

It’s Changbin’s turn to speak. (His cheeks are flushed red and he looks relieved knowing that the attention isn’t on his supposed confession.) “Oh? Didn’t Minho tell you about the party?”

Jisung shakes his head, a little timid. Changbin and Chare don’t give it too much importance, the two of them keep talking about the confession and ask Jisung about his opinion. Jisung giggles with them at the absurd ideas, but he can’t stop thinking about how Minho didn’t tell him anything about this party.

Even when he is on his way to Minho’s studio flat and Minho greets him with a peck on the lips, he can’t stop dwelling on that. When they are finishing the episode while having a quick dinner, Jisung fixes his eyes on Minho’s profile and his thoughts start to wander. He shouldn’t be thinking too much, it never ends well when he gets like this, but there is a small voice in the back of his mind formulating question after question.

Why didn’t Minho tell him about the party?

Why didn’t he want to invite him to the party?

Is he embarrassed by Jisung? Is it because he would probably stay in the corner, extremely quiet and shy, and Minho would have to keep him company when he could be having fun with the rest of his friends? Or is it because the last two times they went to a party together didn’t end well?

Jisung remembers pretty well the first time they attended a party together. Jisung was very nervous and his hands couldn’t stop shaking, it was his first college party. At some point, he left Minho’s side to go to the bathroom and when he came back he found his friend—they weren’t together at that moment—giggling with a tall, brawny brunette man. The guy looked older than them and was obviously interested in Minho, Jisung’s heart thudded to the floor and his stomach twisted painfully. 

That night, Jisung went back to his dorm alone because he was too embarrassed to face Minho after finding him with that gorgeous man. But Minho appeared at his front door with his hair looking like a mess and worry painting his features, relief washed all over his face when Jisung opened the door while rubbing one of his eyes. Sleepy and dishevelled. 

“Minho?” Jisung had said, frowning.

“Why did you leave without me? I thought something had happened to you!” Minho had replied, frantic with worry. Jisung's mouth was open, he didn’t know what to say. Minho swallowed and took a deep breath. “Sorry… sorry for coming like this, you weren’t answering my calls and the guys didn’t know where you were.”

Jisung worried at his bottom lip, feeling guilty and just a tiny bit excited. Minho was worried about him. Minho was looking for him and basically ran to his dorm to check if he was safe and sound.

“Don’t you ever leave before telling me, alright? I need to know you’re safe and I’ll walk you back to your dorm,” Minho added.

I want to kiss him, Jisung thought, his cheeks turning red and his heart fluttering foolishly. 

The second and last party they attended together was probably worse than the first. Jisung knew it wasn’t a good idea to go when he already felt a surge of overwhelming panic pooling in his chest, his stomach was twisting painfully and his chest hurt so much. It was happening slowly, gradually building up until Jisung couldn’t breathe properly and his heart was about to jump out of his mouth and leave a bloody mess on the carpet of this wealthy guy. 

The situation swiftly evolved into something more dangerous when Minho left so he could look for something to eat for Jisung because he was shaking so much, and the moment he came back he had to go outside and help Jisung to calm down his heartbeats and control his breathing. He ended up crying while Minho took him in a tight yet gentle embrace. Jisung’s tear-stained cheeks were burning once he calmed down and realized what had just happened, what Minho had seen.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung managed to breathe out, so fucking embarrassed.

Minho only hushed him with a kiss on his forehead. One week after that incident and after Minho confronted Jisung about why he was avoiding him (Jisung confessed that he was embarrassed about his breakdown), Jisung finally gathered the courage and confessed to Minho.

One month and a bit after those incidents, Jisung feels a hole bored in his heart at the knowledge that Minho didn’t even tell him about this party his friends are probably at right now. The tips of his ears get warm and he looks down when Minho glances his way—fuck, he is so stupid. Minho probably doesn’t want to go to a party with him after those incidents. 

He understands Minho’s intention so he tries to not feel so anguished about that.

But still. Ugh. It still hurts and the insecurities are growing so much right now like ivy wrapping around his bones and covering him. A deep blue hue paints his sky.

Jisung doesn’t realize Minho has been speaking to him until he touches his hand lightly. There is a worried wrinkle between Minho’s eyebrows. “You good?”

He swallows thickly, and a lump has formed in his throat. “Yeah,” he forces out and lets Minho wrap his arms around his middle so they can snuggle up and watch the next episode. Jisung can’t focus on anything else except for a new thought—Minho is missing out on having fun with his friends to stay at home with him to watch a silly anime.

The hole in his heart and the sad feeling increase tenfold.

“So, how's college life going?” Jeongin asks, his voice sounding sleepy through the speaker of Jisung’s phone.

“Hmm… good, nothing too exuberant,” Jisung replies, his cheek squished against his pillow.

“When are you going to bring your boyfriend? I’m sure your mom’s going crazy.” His cousin giggles and Jisung just groans. 

Jisung brushes his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t, hm, I didn’t tell her he’s my boyfriend…” 

“What? Really?” Jisung hums, tugging at his warm earlobe. “Why? I thought you really liked this guy you told me about, and haven’t you two been together for a month already?”

“I don’t know… I’m not sure if we’re gonna last and I don’t get my mom’s hope up.” It hurts Jisung to confess that. His heart aches painfully once the words have come out of his mouth. 

Jeongin lets out a soft laugh. “Oh, please, Sungie! I told my mom about Hyunjin two weeks after meeting him, and at that time we hadn’t even met because he lives far away from where I live.”

Jisung lights up at the mention of his cousin’s boyfriend. “How is it going between you and him?”

“Great, he promised to come back for Christmas,” Jeongin says, sounding bashful. Jisung can picture him with rosy cheeks and his eyes turning into tiny crescents because of the smile spreading across his face. “Kinda sucks to be apart for so long, but it doesn’t matter. I like him.”

A small smile plays on Jisung’s lips. “I’m happy to hear that, you two look good together.” 

He remembers the pictures Jeongin sent him last weekend, Hyunjin was clinging to Jeongin like a koala. There were a few more of Hyunjin eating, Hyunjin sleeping, Hyunjin talking with Jeongin’s mother… Yeah, Jeongin is pretty much in love. Jisung wonders if he'll ever have that kind of thing with Minho—take him to his home and spend Christmas with his mother, for example.

It’s sort of wishful thinking, isn’t it? Minho doesn’t even want to go out to a party with him.

Ugh. There his thoughts go again, Jisung can’t help them at this point. Perhaps he should talk about this with Minho, about his insecurities and thoughts. Yes, it would be healthier for him and their relationship. People say communication is key, right? Jisung should express his feelings… no, he is too ashamed and sheepish to speak up about his fears and insecurities to Minho. 

Jeongin keeps speaking. “Thank you, Jisungie. You should bring your boy, too. We could have double dates and all that.”

Jisung giggles. He reckons that Minho would easily fit into a group of strangers, he is a little shy at first but fits well nonetheless. “The first step is telling my mom about him, then maybe I could take him home.”

They laugh together and continue talking for a bit more, but then Jeongin says good night because he’s bone-tired. After hanging up, Jisung’s phone chimes with a text from Minho.

Minho♥:

i heard about this cute cat café. wanna go tomorrow?

according to felix and chan, they sell the best cheesecake 

A knot ties in the pit of Jisung’s stomach. The lack of a smile on his face and the fluttering feeling in his chest makes him feel sad, he shouldn’t be feeling anxious about going out with his boyfriend. He can’t help it, though.

He sighs and bites the inside of his cheek, nervous. He doesn’t want to meet up with Minho at the moment. 

Jisung:

i’m busy tomorrow, sorry

He replies and puts his phone under his pillow. After that, Jisung begins avoiding Minho.

There are a bunch of unread messages on Jisung’s phone. He isn’t completely ignoring his friends and boyfriend, he still meets up with them for lunch at the cafeteria and Minho visits him regularly for their anime dates (they are now watching a drama). 

Sometimes, he replies to some messages and leaves the rest for the following day. He isn’t doing that on purpose, Jisung just feels… tired, and like an uninteresting, irrelevant piece in his friends’ lives. Even more in Minho’s life. 

It’s Wednesday night and Minho is feeding Jisung some food he bought on his way to his dorm. Felix isn’t home today, he and Chan went out to a friendly gathering and had invited them but Minho declined the invitation. So it’s the two of them, cuddling and feeding each other while they watch this romantic drama that Minho wanted to watch.

“He’s so pretty,” Minho says and giggles. Jisung glances at Minho, who is flushed and smiley, and then at the laptop screen—the male lead is confessing to the girl he’s been in love with since he was a kid. “She’s really pretty, too. I saw her acting in another drama and her hair was shorter, I like both hairstyles.”

Jisung hums in response. He sighs and enjoys Minho’s caresses on his hair. When the episode reaches its end and he yawns, he looks up and finds Minho already looking at him.

Minho smiles. “Pretty,” he whispers and leans forward to connect their lips in a soft kiss. 

The nervousness pools in Jisung’s stomach, he tries to not think about anything else and just focuses on kissing Minho. They move their lips in tandem, Minho’s fingertips skim against the warm skin of his neck and make him shudder. He exhales shakily and Minho swallows his soft sounds. The pads of Minho’s fingers press against his scalp and bring him closer, his free hand flying to hold Jisung’s tiny waist.

Warmth spills all over Jisung’s chest and rushes through his veins. He feels hot, his fingers tremble and a sigh leaves his mouth when Minho takes him by the hips and perches him on his lap. Jisung’s mind is growing blank, and he hopes that it is happening the same to Minho. He hopes that Minho’s thoughts are full of him. Full of Jisung’s lips, Jisung’s sounds, Jisung’s featherlight touches.

Minho hisses when Jisung bites his lower lip.

“S–sorry,” Jisung says, a little breathless. Ruby colours his cheeks and ears.

Minho pecks his lips. “Don’t worry, I’m just sensitive.” He giggles.

Minho slips his hands under Jisung’s sweater and touches his back and waist while peppering kisses on his cheeks, jaw and neck. Jisung takes his time stroking Minho’s hair gently, encouraging him to keep kissing and touching his skin. It’s not the first time Minho kisses him like this, but it’s the first time that his hands touch him so eagerly. 

Minho detaches his lips from Jisung’s neck and gazes up at him, eyes slightly watery and lips shiny and raw. He is pink-faced. Lovely, so lovely.

“I’m being too clingy, sorry,” Minho says and slips his hands out of Jisung’s sweater.

Jisung wants Minho to keep touching him—mapping out his body, kissing him everywhere, swallowing his sounds. 

“No, no. You’re not clingy,” Jisung replies and takes Minho’s hands, squeezing them. 

Minho slips his hands out of Jisung’s grip and embraces him, burying his face into his neck and nuzzling there.

“I’ve been missing you so much lately,” Minho confesses in a low voice. 

Jisung’s heart squeezes.

Minho plants a kiss on the skin where his neck and shoulder meet. “I like you so much, Jisungie.”

Tears brim the corners of Jisung’s eyes, he is glad that Minho isn’t looking at him so he doesn’t have to see his teary eyes and wobbly lower lip. 

“I–I like you too,” he chokes out. His voice sounds strained, yet Minho doesn’t gaze up at him. He kisses the crown of Minho’s head and lets himself be hugged by his boyfriend.

Jisung feels loved right now, and it is such a comforting feeling. Hopefully, this feeling will last forever and he won’t have to worry about his insecurities. 

The comforting feeling doesn’t linger for too long. It swiftly fades away when Jisung spots Minho talking with the same guy he found him talking to at their first party together. He feels like an idiot, but he can’t control the green, painting his edges and flooding his heart.

“Jisungie?” Chan says. They were walking together towards the studio they booked but Jisung stopped in his tracks. “You good there, buddy?” 

Jisung doesn’t reply, he just looks at Minho and this nameless guy. Minho is standing, his arms folded over his chest, and a little smile dancing on his lips. The guy is just speaking, but he looks like all that Jisung wants to be—tall, muscly, hot, apparently funny and outgoing by the way Minho starts laughing. 

“Oh? Isn’t that Minho?” Chan asks. Jisung still hasn’t replied. “Want to go and say hi?”

Jisung looks at Chan for the first time in those minutes standing there, he presses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head. “No, let’s go,” he responds and continues walking with Chan by his side. 

By the time they arrive at the studio, Chan puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles sweetly. There is a hint of understanding glinting in his eyes.

“Jisungie…” he starts, his voice soothing. “I think I get how you’re feeling.”

Impossible, Jisung thinks. It’s impossible for Chan to understand the jealousy creeping up on Jisung—he is the perfect boyfriend for Felix. He could be the perfect boyfriend for Minho, too. 

Perhaps if Jisung works hard, he could be the perfect boyfriend for Minho.

“You don’t have to worry about Minhyuk, he’s just good friends with Minho,” Chan continues. “And I know that fool only has eyes for you.”

Minhyuk. So that’s the name of that guy.

He forces out a smile at Chan. “Thank you.”

Later that day, Jisung is working on an essay when Felix comes busting through the door of their dorm. He looks exhilarated, wearing a bright grin and jumping from one place to another. He tells Jisung about today’s practice while taking his sleepwear and towel. 

“I’m gonna take a shower!” he announces and leaves again. 

Jisung drums his fingers on his thighs, pondering the idea of asking his roommate about this Minhyuk guy. Maybe Felix knows something about him.

Curiosity pricks under Jisung’s skin, and the question easily falls from his mouth once Felix has come back and has settled next to him with a bowl of ramen. 

“Do you happen to know Minhyuk?” he says, the apple of his cheeks turning red. “He’s Minho’s friend… or something like that.”

Felix frowns, but the wrinkle fades away as quickly as it appeared on his face. “Minhyuk! Yeah, of course. He’s a senior, I met him through Chan. He is good friends with everyone in our friend group.” Excluding myself, Jisung thinks. “Seungmin told me that he was Minho’s first boyfriend here, but they cut it off after going out for six months.”

That’s it. Jisung knew that there was something different about Minho and Minhyuk, he could see it. 

Jisung hums and looks at the screen of his laptop. He had thought that the hole in his chest had disappeared, but he can feel it again. An enormous, empty hole is right in the centre of his heart. 

He can’t continue working on his essay so he turns off the laptop, Felix keeps telling him about his day but Jisung can’t listen to him. The only thing he can think about is how he will have to work harder to be an appropriate partner for Minho. 

There are a few things that Jisung never thought he would do, but that he is doing now so he can impress Minho. 

He never thought he would dye his hair, but now the black strands have turned blonde. 

When Minho looks at him with his new hairstyle, he blinks a few times and then breaks into a sweet smile. Minho’s fingers brush his hair, golden strands fall before Jisung’s eyes, and a shy smile tugs at his lips. 

“Wow…” Minho says and bites his lower lip. “You look really good, baby.”

Baby.

“Thank you,” he replies.

Minho twirls one of the strands around his finger. “Do you like it?”

Surprisingly, Jisung loves his new hair colour. He nods his head and Minho smiles again.

“That’s good, your opinion is all that matters,” Minho adds. 

Jisung pouts a little. The opinion that matters the most is Minho’s, isn’t it? He did this for Minho. He thought that perhaps he would be more attractive to him if he changed something about his looks. 

The new hair colour isn’t the only thing Jisung changes about himself. He begins working out too, which comes as a surprise for everyone. Jisung hates working out, but he wants to build muscle. 

He goes to gym sessions with Chan or Changbin because he is too shy to go with Minho. He suffers the first weeks, but he forgets about the pain when the results start to slowly show and Minho can’t stop touching his chest and biceps when they kiss. 

As the weeks go by, their kisses start to get bolder. Minho seems to love having Jisung perched on his lap. Apparently, he also loves kissing Jisung’s neck and slipping his hands under his sweater in order to hold his tiny waist. Jisung loves it all. 

There are other changes. Jisung gets his ears pierced by Felix, now he likes wearing a pair of daisy earrings that Minho bought for him. He starts accepting all the party invitations, and he tries his best to enjoy those times. 

However, even if he changes his physical aspect and forces himself to go out… he can’t change the way he feels. Sadness comes again and crushes his heart the few times he decides to stay at home instead of going out or going to the gym with his friends, and he can’t stop thinking that all the changes aren’t enough. 

It’s worse one night when Minho and Jisung go out. They are at someone’s house, music is blasting through the speakers and Jisung is a little tipsy. He doesn’t like alcohol, but he needs to drink a little so he can loosen up. 

The effects of the alcohol make him kiss Minho’s lips rougher than ever. He presses Minho against a corner of the brimmed living room and kisses him on the mouth, his boyfriend’s hands are on his waist and helps him to keep him grounded. Jisung’s fingers bury into Minho’s hair and a sigh leaves his mouth when Minho squeezes his waist. This is good, isn’t it? It’s the kind of fierce love that it shows in dramas, the kind of public displays that his friends do.

He jitters a little when they part and he remembers where he is and the sweaty people around him. They are dancing, bumping into each other, laughing and drinking, but Jisung can’t stop thinking that everyone is looking and laughing at him.

They think I’m pathetic.

They can see through me.  

Jisung’s heartbeats pick up speed. His throat tightens around nothing. Blood rushes and rings in his ears. 

He looks up at Minho, who is wearing a worried expression. His eyebrows are pinched together, his lips are pressed into a thin line. 

Minho can see through me. He can see how pathetic his boyfriend is. He sees now that I’m not enough.   

“Jisung?” He hears Minho saying. Minho places one of his hands on Jisung’s shoulder but he flinches and Minho pulls his hand away. 

I have to run. 

Jisung leaves the house. He runs, pushing people without saying sorry. He needs some fresh air, he needs the comfort of his dorm. Minho is calling for him, yelling his name over the music, but Jisung keeps running until he is in the middle of the street. His hands are on his knees and his chest constricts. Tears are streaming down his cheeks. 

He chokes out a sob.

“Jisung!” Minho’s voice sounds desperate. He drops to his knees in front of Jisung, trying to look for his eyes. “Hey, hey. You’re okay, baby.”

Jisung shakes his head. He’s not okay. He is pathetic, attempting to be a different, better version of himself.

Minho brushes his fingers through Jisung’s golden strands. “You’re with me, you’re okay. We–we can go back home, hm? What do you think?”

He is so tired, his mind is foggy and his eyes can’t focus on anything. 

“Let’s go home, baby.” Minho gets up and holds him so they can walk together. 

The trek to Minho’s flat would have been quicker if Jisung hadn’t needed some breaks to breathe. Once they have stepped into the confines of his home, Minho takes Jisung to bed and changes his clothes. He is gentle and gauges his reactions to know if he isn’t stepping any boundaries, but Jisung is so weak and light-headed right now—he can’t find the words or the strength to speak up. A grey cloud covers his mind, he just wants to sleep. 

Minho helps him to drink water, washes his face and brushes his teeth. Pathetic, Jisung thinks. Minho shouldn’t be doing this, he should be having fun with the rest of his friends. 

I am a burden.  

He sniffles. 

Minho gets in bed with him and cups his cheek to make Jisung look him in the eye.

“Stop,” he says, lips quivering. “Please, stop thinking so much.”

Jisung gives a dry chuckle. “I can’t.”

Minho presses his lips, his eyes look glassy and red. “You have me, alright? We’re gonna talk tomorrow.”

Jisung lets himself be tucked under Minho’s chin. Minho presses a kiss on his forehead and whispers something Jisung can’t make out, but he is so tired that he closes his lids and drifts off to sleep. 

The following day, Jisung wakes up to the smell of pancakes and coffee. His head and chest are pounding and there is a heavy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, yet he gets up and follows the smell. Minho is in the kitchen, humming, with his hair looking like a mess and his face a little bit swollen. 

Jisung loves him so much. 

Minho spots him while pouring coffee into a mug. The mug has a squirrel printed on the ceramic. 

He approaches Jisung and kisses the tip of his nose. “Morning, Jisungie.”

“Morning,” he replies, his voice sounding hoarse. He takes one of the mugs and receives one of the plates with pancakes.

They have breakfast in silence, looking at each other from time to time. Minho sends him a comforting smile and caresses his knuckles. Jisung feels better once his stomach is full. He goes to the bathroom and looks at his reflection in the mirror, the pale skin has now turned into his usual tan and rosy cheeks.

He brushes his teeth and washes his face. He knows there is a big conversation coming up. 

Minho is waiting for him on the couch, a small, green couch that Jisung has come to love and find comfortable. He is still wearing his pyjamas and artfully bedhead. 

“C’mere,” he says, patting the couch. Jisung complies, his hands shaking a little. “We need to have a conversation, don’t we?”

Jisung presses his lips and nods. “Yeah.” His voice is thin and weak. 

“Great.” Minho scoots closer and puts one of his hands on Jisung’s thigh, giving him comforting strokes. “I know this might be… uncomfortable or hard for us, but we need to talk.”

He looks down at Minho’s hand, he is squeezing his thigh. He can’t understand Minho. Jisung can’t wrap his head around their relationship. The love he has for Minho is so deep and honest, but he can’t understand why Minho is in a relationship with him. 

“Why–why are you with me?” he blurts out. He can’t face Minho.

Minho is apparently caught off guard. “Because I like you?” he replies, but it sounds like a question to Jisung’s ears. 

“You like me?” Jisung swallows thickly. 

“Yes.”

He sniffles and glances at Minho’s face. “I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get, Jisung?” Minho’s hand squeezes his thigh again.

“I don’t get why you’re with me when you could have any other guy,” he says, the lump already forming in his throat. “I’ve seen you around with that Minhyuk guy, Felix told me you two were together and it doesn’t make sense that you’re with me now. I don’t like going out that much, you always have to take care of me, and I have to work hard to look handsome.”

Minho squeezes his thigh again. “Jisung–”

“I want–I want to be a cool lover for you, y’know?” He lifts his gaze and looks into Minho’s eyes. “But I’m so… so fucking nerdy and boring. I can’t be like the male leads of the dramas we watch, nor like some of our friends.”

“Please–”

“I don’t understand why you keep looking my way, why you keep smiling at me and choosing me when you could have a good, niece boyfriend.” His heart is skyrocketing as he keeps speaking.

“God, if only you listened to me and–”

“I think we should break up.”

The room goes silent for a second. Jisung faces Minho, he is teary-eyed and his semblance is full of anger and sorrow.

“No,” Minho replies.

Jisung sighs. “Minho…”

“Shut up, you idiot,” Minho grits out. He looks determined. “I choose you every fucking day because I fucking love you. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. You’re the perfect guy for me—you’re sweet, funny, adorable, and hot. You make me so fucking happy, seeing you being yourself makes me happy and you’ll have to get that into your thick skull.”

Jisung parts his lips, surprised. It’s the first time Minho speaks to him like this, with such determination and narrowed eyes.

“We’re not going to break up, do you hear me well?” He squeezes Jisung’s thigh. “We’ll work this out together, but I’m not gonna leave you if it’s only your insecurities that want to pull me away.” He presses his lips together and shakes his head. There are a few stray tears streaming down his face. “I love you, Jisung. Don’t you fucking dare to leave me right now, be a man and fight for us.”

Jisung bursts into tears, he chokes out sobs and tries to say something coherent but he can’t form any utterance. Minho cups his cheeks and kisses his lips repeatedly. 

“I love you so much, Jisung.” He presses his forehead against Jisung’s. “Don’t leave me, please.”

“I–I won’t.” Jisung can’t hold back his tears, he kisses Minho’s mouth with tears mingling. “I love you, I–I promise I’ll stay with you. But sometimes”—he exhales heavily—“sometimes there’s a voice in my head telling me that I’m not enough or good for you, and I’m so, so weak.”

Minho pouts. “I promise you that we’ll work together, okay? We’re gonna look for professional help and I need you to communicate your fears and insecurities to me,” he strokes Jisung’s cheeks and kisses his forehead. “You’re my ideal type, Jisung,” he says, voice raspy. “I’m in love with you, only with you. You’re the one that I want.”

The corners of Jisung’s mouth pull up into a tiny, lovely smile. A kind of heart-shaped smile. Now, he will have to work hard again but not to look “good” or “manly,” he will have to work harder to overcome his insecurities so they can’t interpose between them and himself. 

He is enough. Minho loves him. He will doubt those things a few times, but he will have to sit down and talk it out with his lover. He can do that. Jisung can do anything if it means getting better and having Minho by his side. 

Minho

A mug full of hot chocolate keeps his hands warm, Minho takes the first sip of the sweet liquid and hums in contentment. Jisung is pressed against him, resting his head on his shoulder and munching on a vanilla cupcake.

Minho’s cheeks are flushed scarlet, it is not only because of the icy weather but also because Jisung’s mother hasn’t stopped complimenting him since they arrived.

“Your boyfriend’s so pretty, Jisungie,” she says while pinching one of Jisung’s cheeks. Minho giggles, a fond smile spreading across his face. He loves to see that he isn’t the only one obsessed with Jisung’s cheeks. “I hope my son’s treating you well, Minho.”

Minho smiles, happy and very much in love. “Yes, he’s treating me well,” he replies. Jisung is giving him those puppy eyes that he can’t resist and he might kiss him on the mouth right in front of his mother if he doesn’t stop any time soon. “He’s a good guy, you brought him up well.”

Jisung’s mother smiles, her cheeks bunching up just like her son’s do. Jisung takes a lot after his mother—the shape of his smile, his chubby cheeks, wide eyes, and his saccharine personality.

It is the first time he is visiting Jisung’s mother and he was kind of nervous at first, but the jitters faded away once the woman wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him gently. He feels comfortable around her, obviously a little timid but comfortable nonetheless. 

She shows him pictures of Jisung—when he was a child, with his cousins (Jisung points at one of them, Jeongin, and whispers in his ear that they should meet soon) and with other family members, some of them on the day of his graduation too. He giggles at his baby photos while Jisung groans, his boyfriend used to be so tiny yet his chubby cheeks were always the same. 

“Wow, you look so pretty here,” Minho says, pointing at one of the pictures of his graduation.

Jisung rolls his eyes. “Shut up, you big sap.”

“I’m being serious!”

Jisung huffs. “You always say I look pretty.”

Minho looks around the living room. They are alone since Jisung’s mother is cooking dinner in the kitchen. So he leans forward, their lips touching slightly, and says, “Not my fault my boyfriend is the prettiest boy.”

He can see a pinkish shade painting Jisung’s apple cheeks. It’s lovely. And his lips look so beautiful. Minho can’t resist the urge of kissing him, so he puts his hand on the back of Jisung’s head and pushes him forward. He smooches Jisung in the living room of his childhood house—it’s thrilling.

Minho can’t fit so much happiness inside him, he thinks he might explode at some point. He loves sitting at the same table that Jisung’s mother, loves eating her food, and compliments her cooking skills. He loves it because she’s his boyfriend’s mother and he wants to be part of this family.

He loves getting ready for bed with Jisung, brushing their teeth together and bumping their hips together in order to annoy each other. Loves Jisung’s childhood bedroom with all those funny posters of female singers, rappers and cartoons. He touches his plushies and listens to his lover telling him about the pictures hanging on his wall. Loves Jisung’s tiny bed which makes it hard to squeeze the two of them together, he giggles happily when Jisung gets on top of him and kisses his mouth lovingly.

“You’re pretty,” Jisung says, thumbing his cheek. He presses a kiss on Minho’s temple, the tip of his nose, each one of his cheeks, and finally on his lips. “I have a session with my psychologist tomorrow, so we’ll have to leave at midday.”

“That works for me,” he replies, his hands cupping Jisung’s butt. He pats him there while they kiss languidly.  

Minho loves Han Jisung. He loves him so deeply that his heart aches sometimes but in a good way. He loves this pretty, sensitive man that has grown so much in the past months, that even in the worst mental hardships looked for him to communicate his needs and fears. He is proud of Jisung and his growth, not only because their relationship is much better now but also because he can spot the differences between the old and new Jisung. 

“I love you,” Minho says in a whisper.

“Love you too,” Jisung responds and peppers kisses all over Minho’s face. “Minho…”

“Hm?”

“Last night I was thinking a bit too much and I remembered something that made me feel sad.”

Minho looks at him, a gentle expression in his eyes. “Tell me about it, baby.”

Baby. He tries not to show the effect the pet name has on him but it is difficult—he flushes scarlet. 

Jisung clears his throat. “A few weeks ago, not long ago, there was a party I didn’t know about. You didn’t tell me about it either. It was the one where Changbin confessed to Seungmin.” He tilts his head and asks, “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

Minho gives him a closed-lipped smile. “I wanted to spend the night with you watching that anime we were watching, and I didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed or forced to accept the offer. Y’know… I’m also kind of nerdy,” he says and breaks into a wide grin. “If you tell me to choose between going out or staying at home with you watching anime, I wouldn’t hesitate to choose the second option.”

Jisung giggles, Minho can see the happiness painting his face in bright colours. “Good to know.”

“Do you love your nerdy, silly boyfriend?” Minho asks, using a sickly sweet tone that has Jisung bursting into peals of silent laughter. 

He nods, still smiling. “Yeah, I love him a lot.”

Minho nuzzles Jisung’s cheek with his nose. “He loves you a lot, too.”