Chapter Text
Waking up alone was always the worst part. Tony used to like to curl around him, insisted on being the bigger spoon, and complained frequently about Steve’s body heat. Now it was nothing but cool blankets against him and the complete silence. Tony used to snore, it wasn’t loud or obnoxious, it was just a few soft, nasally breaths against Steve’s skin. He used to kiss Steve in the mornings, run his mouth casually over every inch of available skin and whisper repeatedly about how much he loved him. It broke Steve’s heart to think he may have thrown that all away.
The house was quiet when Steve took his sketchbook out into the living room, only the gentle sound of Sam shifting in his bed in the other room. Tony was still in California with Bucky and Rhodey, both there to help him through his recent injuries and stop him from falling further into his self-destructive behaviors. Natasha and Sam had come back to DC with him, making that three Avengers in DC in case of an emergency, three more in California, Thor in London, and Clint off doing whatever he did in times of peace when he wasn’t wandering around the tower. If there was a large scale attack, there would always be someone close enough get there within the hour with backup on the way. It was the most strategically sound position for the team.
Moving into Sam’s house had been almost too easy. He couldn’t go back to the penthouse, not with Tony gone and the constant reminders that he had abandoned his lover. He couldn’t go back to his apartment in the tower, which was bare and empty since he moved into Tony’s rooms. Sam was his friend, they fought together, they got along, and although he felt guilty intruding on his friend it wasn’t like it was the first time it had ever happened. It was a comfortable place and Steve was desperate for some company at this point so he allowed himself to take refuge in Sam’s guest room.
“What do you want for breakfast?” Sam said, walking out of his bedroom and out into the living room. “If you’re not gonna pick then I’m going to make pancakes. I’m in the mood for pancakes.”
Steve shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not too hungry.”
Sam didn’t answer. He just stared at Steve, blinking slowly with a thoughtful expression on his face. It was still early and for a while Steve wondered if Sam would join him for breakfast or leave him alone with his thoughts. Maybe, if it was a good day, they could go jogging together or put on their uniforms and visit the Children’s Hospital. Tony always loved doing that, he saved at least one Saturday every month for visiting a different hospital and children were always thrilled to have Iron Man there specifically to spend time with them.
Maybe Tony would pick up the phone today, he never did when Steve called to tell him ‘Good Morning’ or to wish him sweet dreams. Maybe they could have a chance to talk and he could convince Tony how sincere he was with his apologies and then things might somehow work out between them. Maybe, just maybe, Steve wouldn’t have to lose Tony forever.
Steve snapped out of the memories and hopeful thoughts as Sam took his empty sketchbook filled with blank pages out of his hands and replaced it with a plate piled high with pancakes. Sam’s pancakes always tasted a little bit better than normal pancakes and he refused to give up the secret, not even Natasha had figured it out yet. The fact that he had blueberry syrup just made everything so much sweeter. Sam’s music was playing on the stereo, family photos were framed and sitting on shelves and tables, and little knickknacks or souvenirs littered the apartment. It felt lived in and showed all the evidence of life. His and Tony’s shared penthouse after he had left it was almost dead, all of the little reminders of Tony and what they had once had were lifeless memories that were more painful than pleasant.
“Do you think I have a chance of getting him back?” Steve said, staring down at his plate. “Do you think that once these six months are up that he’ll trust me again?”
Sam sighed, shaking his head slowly. “No, man. I don’t think he’ll trust you. I think, best case scenario, that at the end of this and he decides that going back to you is the best thing for him, then he’ll give you a chance to earn his trust back. You made a mistake, it happens to the best of us, but sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened isn’t going to help anybody.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Steve said as he nodded. He cut off a piece of his pancakes and took a bite. He wondered, briefly, what everyone back in California was doing.
~~~
Tony didn’t answer the phone, but Bucky did. “Hey, Stevie. How are you doing?”
It was a surprise, Steve had been expecting to hear Tony’s voice message letting him know that the call was going to voicemail, hear that familiar voice telling him that he would ‘get back to his call whenever he could, which would probably be never’. “Bucky. Hi. Are you okay? Is Tony alright?” Steve said quickly. “Why are you answering his phone?”
“Don’t worry. Everyone’s doing alright. Tony’s just in a meeting. He can’t come to the phone right now.” Bucky said.
“Okay.” Steve said. He sat down on the couch and listened carefully for Sam, he wasn’t entirely sure when he was supposed to be back from the VA, but hopefully it would be soon. “What kind of meeting? Is the company doing okay? No, forget about all of that. Can you just tell me how he is doing?”
Steve wanted to ask a thousand questions. Was Tony sleeping? Was he eating? Was Bucky okay out there? The situation was no doubt incredibly stressful for everyone involved, and Steve willing to admit he had been both relieved and sad that Bucky decided to stay out there to help Tony and Rhodey, but things could very well be becoming a bit too overwhelming. He wanted Bucky to take care of himself, he wanted Tony to be okay, and he desperately wanted to take it all back and fix things. Having the love of his life on the other side of the country, heartbroken and distraught, and his best friend leaving his side because of that was one of the worst feelings he had ever had.
“Steve, I can tell you he’s doing alright, but not much other than that. You have to remember, this little arrangement of yours has only been going on for a few weeks for you but he’s been feeling like this for months.” Bucky said, his tone low and cautious. “He’s just doing what he’s been doing, just now he has a broken leg and can’t get around much. It has been easier to keep an eye on him though.”
That calmed a few of his nerves. Bucky was a good man and he cared about Tony, they would be just fine out there. With Rhodey, Pepper, and Happy out there with them then things would be okay, they didn’t need Steve.
“Steve?” Bucky said slowly. Steve hummed, waiting for him to continue. “You should probably stop calling. Tony needs time to focus on himself and he can’t do that if you keep constantly reminding him that you’re there and waiting. It’s confusing him.”
“Oh. Right, sorry.” Steve said. He desperately wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He felt so much like a scare and lost puppy, waiting for their human to come home and pay attention to them. It made sense though, Steve had spent six months obsessing over having Bucky back, alive and safe, that he had completely neglected and ignored the man he loved. It was only fair that Tony had the same opportunity, to focus on himself while demanding that Steve give him some space. Steve had caused six months of damage and now Tony deserved six months of healing. “Just look out for him, okay? He doesn’t eat enough, but if you drop a plate of food in front of him he’ll eat. He has these fluffy socks hidden in his bottom drawer that he likes to wear when he has a really bad day, if you stick them in the dryer before giving them to him then it’ll help in almost any situation. Don’t let him watch scary movies with ghosts in them. He says he isn’t scared but he really is.”
Bucky laughed. “Okay, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind. But Rhodes is here and he’s been taking care of Tony longer than anyone so I think we’ll be okay.” He said and Steve could hear the fondness in his tone and the smile in his voice. “Don’t worry. Tony’s been pretty relaxed since we found out the frostbite he got from the last kidnapping was just superficial and he wouldn’t lose any fingers and toes. The skin is blistering really bad and he’s gonna be in pain for quite a while as new skin grows back, but he doesn’t seem to mind too much.”
“That’s wonderful!” Steve said. It really was, Tony may not think his toes are that important, but it would absolutely destroy him if he had lost his fingers. “I’m just- I worry about him. I love you, you know. I may have royally screwed this whole thing up, but I want him to be alright.”
“Yeah, don’t worry. He’s a tough little shit. He’s going to be okay.” Bucky said, his voice relaxed. Somewhere in the background, Steve could hear several doors bang open and a loud murmur of voices followed. “I gotta go. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”
He hung up quickly, not even giving Steve a chance to respond. Maybe that was how it felt, being replaced and pushed aside. Bucky was with Tony now, either from his own sense of guilt for being Steve’s distraction or loyalty after Tony opened his home, his finances, and all of his resources in order to keep Bucky alive and safe.
It was quiet then. Steve didn’t have the calls to Tony as a distraction anymore. He didn’t have to think of a message for him, to remind him about how loved he was and how he would do anything in the world for him. He didn’t have the misplaced optimism telling him that today was the day, Tony would answer the phone and they would work things out. Now he had nothing but his own thoughts and his patience. It hadn’t even been a single month yet, Tony wanted six to think about what he should do and to test Steve’s dedication, see if he was willing to wait for him. Steve would wait six years if he had to.
~~~
It was Valentine’s Day. Steve used to love it, last year he had woken Tony up by running his mouth over every inch of his body and whispering soft endearments and promises of love into his skin. They had ordered in dinner and spent the whole day wrapped around each other. This year Steve ate a microwave dinner and watched Pacific Rim at Natasha’s insistence.
“What did you think? Fantastic.” She said once the end credits started rolling. Natasha seemed to answer her own question before she gave Steve a chance to analyze his feelings towards the movie.
Sam hummed encouragingly. “It had giant robots and Godzilla-like creatures.” He said matter-of-factly. “A true cinematic masterpiece.”
“I like how they didn’t kiss in the end. Like, the movie wasn’t about them falling in love, it was about them saving the world.” Steve said. It was true, after a while it was easy to get sick of all the women with so much potential in stories just get turned into love interests who somehow aren’t able to handle themselves anymore. “A lot of the storyline I didn’t quite understand, but I liked it. Fantastic.”
Steve almost felt bad about ruining Sam and Natasha’s holiday, they could both be out having a good time with whoever they wanted and here they were keeping Steve preoccupied with action movies and pizza bagels. Still, it didn’t stop him from glancing down at his phone and looking through old, very old, pictures of him and Tony happy and cheerful together and looking through his messages. Tony hadn’t called him and he wasn’t supposed to call Tony. Valentine’s Day was almost too perfect at reminding him that he wasn’t in a relationship with the man he loved anymore because he had convinced Tony that he wasn’t important anymore.
All it really did was remind him of everything he had left Tony to do alone. He had spent their own anniversary helping Bucky paint over the red star on his arm. Tony was understanding, said that anniversary dinners were a waste of time anyway, and kissed him softly before leaving. It was so painfully obvious now that he was looking back on it now that Tony was hurting, that the abandonment was digging under his skin and poisoning him.
He had messed the dates too, so many dates that were planned weeks in advance, that were arranged so carefully to celebrate achievements or to reassert their love, and Steve had missed so many of them. In the six month period since he had begun focusing on Bucky’s recovery until Tony couldn’t handle it anymore and left, Steve could count about two dozen missed dates. Most of them were cancelled the day of in favor of helping Bucky through a tough time or to stay with him while he regained bits of his memory. Some Steve had simply forgotten entirely and didn’t show up for.
Hell, now that he was thinking about it. Tony should have left him sooner. Since the moment Bucky’s nightmares started and Steve moved out of Tony’s room and into Bucky’s to be what he thought was helpful, things were going downhill. At the time he seemed to have conveniently forgotten that Tony didn’t sleep well on his own, not when nightmares of torturous deserts and cold alien skies haunted his nights. None of that crossed his mind at the time, because Bucky was dreaming about Hydra. Tony was wasting away right in front of him and Steve hadn’t seen a damn thing.
Steve’s attention was dragged back into the room when Sam wrapped his hand loosely around his wrist. When he looked at him in question, with an eyebrow raised and a soft frown, Sam just gave him a sad smile and his hand a reassuring squeeze. Sam was a good friend, always knowing exactly what Steve needed, whether it was pancakes for breakfast or an anchor to stop him from falling into his own head.
“Thanks for letting us stay here, Sam.” Steve said. “I know we’re not the easiest house guests.”
“Says you.” Natasha said, not taking her eyes off of the tv. Some other film that Steve didn’t recognize was already in the middle of playing, he hadn’t noticed them put it on. “I’m a delight.”
“Yeah, you guys are welcome here any time you like.” Sam said, shaking his head with a soft chuckle. “And it’ll be nice to have someone to split the bills with.”
Natasha finally took her eyes off of the tv and looked over to them. “Oh, you’re gonna make Captain America, the man who fought for this country in the Second World War, pay rent? Where’s your sense of patriotism? Your respect for the elderly?”
“I don’t know, Sam. I’m not feeling very respected right now and I think it has nothing to do with paying my fair share of the household expenses.” Steve said. He leaned over and flicked Natasha’s ear. “I think it’s Miss Sassy over here, she thinks she’s funny.”
Just like that, the negative energy in the room and the guilt filled thoughts there were overwhelming his head seemed to lesson. Sam never let go of his comforting hold on his hand and Natasha kept the endless stream of loud and distracting action movies playing. It was nice, comforting.
Five more months. Steve only had to wait five more months before he would know if Tony made a decision or not. They had agreed upon the arrangement towards the middle of January, after a rescue attempt from Tony and Bucky’s kidnapping had landed them buried in a freezing mountain. He would make it. He would fix what he broke and even if Tony decided that he could put himself back in that situation with Steve anymore then he hoped they could mend their friendship. Maybe they could get the team back together and go back to what they were, partners and friends who could enjoy each other’s company. It would hurt, not being able to hold Tony like he used to, but he would endure it. He just had to survive five more months.