Work Text:
JAKE: Im at sixes and sevens locating your dad-blasted glass slippers!
DIRK: Try the other drawer. No, not that one.
JAKE: These are all filled with a surfeit of self-pleasuring devices.
DIRK: I have a different sex toy assigned to each day of the month. Keep looking.
JAKE: Bad news chum. Ive plundered every hoard but these kitten mittens are nothing but yarn.
DIRK: We have got to remember to throw the wrappers away.
DIRK: Forget it. I’ll buy more condoms later. Your sword stays unsheathed today.
JAKE: Golly are you sure? *Clears throat.* Perhaps being a sword swallower is the more prudent option. Presently.
DIRK: Nah, I’m down for messy. Bareback it is.
DIRK: Lie down. This bronco’s lost his patience.
JAKE: Wait, i—ow! What was that shove for?
DIRK: Your undergarments are… henceforth divested.
JAKE: Alakazam! Is there a refund for wear and tear?!
DIRK: I’m the one working miracles, but there’s no time for warranties.
DIRK: Want to watch your thundersword disappear?
JAKE: At least oil the machinery before you—
JAKE: Aaah?!
DIRK: No need. The necessary components have undergone prior maintenance.
JAKE: Ngh!!! *Choke!*
JAKE: You jumped me!
DIRK: Fuck yeah, I did. You know what else this cowboy wants?
JAKE: Hgn—
DIRK: You’re all in—!
JAKE: Thats tighter than a—
DIRK: If you complete that simile, I’m leaving you to—agh!—fend for yourself.
JAKE: —really darn-tootin’ tight!
JAKE: Oh fuck!
DIRK: You like that?
JAKE: Shit!
DIRK: Faster, hah!
JAKE: Im boiling the goddamn ocean here!
DIRK: C’mon, c’mon—
JAKE: So good—you feel so good—
DIRK: I’m gonna ride you like a horse into the sunset if that’s the last thing I fuckin’ do!
JAKE: Oh my stars!
JAKE: This engines gonna blow!
DIRK: Yee-haw, English! Unload your horsecock into my guts!
