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You’re laying in bed. On your back half propped up on all the pillows.
Your hand sits next to you, palm up while Johnny draws little shapes on it with his finger. You should feel so content in this moment. You should, but you don’t. Though you can’t really identify what you’re feeling at all.
“Johnny?”
“Yeah hen?”
“Do you feel like I’m taking something away from you?”
He looks up at your blunt question, but you can’t bring yourself to make eye contact. Continuing instead to look at your hands.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean with me not being able to show.”
A pause
“I mean, with other people it’s like a right of passage ya know? ‘Hey at this week I’m this big’ style size updates and maternity photo shoots filled with pictures of the baby bump and the partner kissing your belly, that sort of thing.”
He doesn’t say anything still, continuing to let you talk.
“You won’t have that with me. My belly is already big, I won’t look any different even when I’m really far along. You won’t ever have that moment where you’re like ‘wow look at my partner, they’re pregnant and you can tell and now I’m gonna show them off’ you can’t show me off like you could if I was thinner.”
He goes to open his mouth but you speak before he can.
“You’ve always wanted kids Johnny. You’ve always wanted and been so excited for every part of the experience and now that we’re here I just feel like I’m robbing you of vital parts of it, because I don’t look the part.” You voice starts to crack halfway through and you try so hard not to start crying.
Johnny sees attempt at composure. He always does.
The shapes on your hand start again for a few seconds before he pulls away from you, ceasing all contact before suddenly he’s at the foot of the bed.
He’s laying on his front, hands on either sides of your thighs, thumbs moving in slow circles. He reaches up, fingers hooked under your shirt, looking at you for permission to lift it. You nod.
He pulls it up, you whole belly on display. Pregnant, but not looking any different than normal.
Guilt. That’s what you’re feeling.
Then you feel lips, right below your belly button. Your belly jumps on instinct, you’ve always been sensitive there. He chuckles in reply, eyes crinkling in the corners. He looks up at you and this time you do make eye contact.
“You are not taking a thing away from me, you understand?”
You stay silent, he kisses your belly again, this time right above your belly button.
“You’re perfect.“
More silence.
“Showing doesn’t mean anything to me hen. I have you. I’ve always wanted kids, and now I’m having them, and I’m having them with you. You’re not taking hen, you’re giving.“
Another kiss, his hands have moved from your thighs to your belly. Goosebumps.
“I have everything I’ve ever wanted right here. You won’t show, but that’s okay because I know. And you know, and in 6 months it won’t matter anyway because then the proof will be here. Love I don’t just want kids, I want them with you. The love of my life remember?”
You remember.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me hen.”
‘Yes I do’ you think.
“Hey Johnny?”
Another kiss.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
The expression on his face is so soft.
“I love you too.”