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Charlie felt Nick's cautious hand on his chest as the other boy pulled away slightly.
Charlie took in the furrow in his brow and frown on his face.
'Are you sure you want this?', Nick whispered.
Charlie looked up at the boy above him, taking him in but not meeting his eyes. Mussed sandy hair fell in strands across his forehead although it appeared almost auburn in the soft red light of Nick's L.E.Ds. Freckles dotted his face and neck, arranged like constellations that led down to the chest that was broad and currently covered Charlie like a blanket.
Warm.
Comforting.
Safe.
His lips were cherry-red and pillowed from Charlie's biting kisses.
And God...God did Charlie want him.
If the closeted teen Charlie of two years ago could have been here in his place he wouldn't have believed his luck.
But as he tried to say "yes" - yes he did want this - the word caught in his throat as if his body couldn't bring himself to speak the lie out loud.
Nick Nelson was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person he'd seen in real life but something about this moment made Charlie's stomach lurch - not with arousal but with fear.
He loved Nick though and understood that love sometimes meant uncomfortable situations and compromising when - in all honesty - you'd rather get your own way. Loving Nick was safety and security, so if he had to lose that feeling for a few minutes in order to maintain their relationship then so be it. And besides, what did people always say about sex? It gets better as it goes on.
What he was feeling now were probably just normal teenage first-time nerves.
But he still couldn't bring himself to say it so he reached up and pulled Nick's lips down, hoping that the other boy would take the kiss as the affirmative it was intended as.
Nick caressed Charlie's face lightly with his right hand as they kissed, the other resting on the pillow next to his head. His thumb traced Charlie's cheekbone feather-light. As much as Charlie tried to deepen the kiss, to show Nick that he was ready and willing to do this, Nick persevered and kept the kiss shallow and soft, kissing him like it was the end credits of a movie.
They broke apart for a second, though their faces were still only inches apart and a smile stretched across Nick's face as he looked down at his boyfriend. In that moment, Charlie felt more exposed than he had done all evening and he felt the familiar stirrings of panic in his chest.
Was Nick noticing now, as he looked at Charlie, all the imperfections of his body? Charlie knew he wasn't as beautiful as the other boy, he knew he left much to be desired. He'd put on weight since the in-patient and was scared Nick would see those changes and think them disgusting. Maybe if they just kept kissing Nick wouldn't see all of his flaws.
And so, for the second time, Charlie pulled Nick back down to him, reconnecting their mouths. Charlie kissed fast and with urgency. He pressed their bodies closer and closer together, hoping that the warmth of his boyfriend would make the feelings of terror and insecurity dissipate. Hoping that the fire of the moment would quell the little voice in his head screaming that it was too much.
And Nick was still treating him with fragility! Charlie was no porcelain doll. He'd made his decision hadn't he?
The truth was, the hotter it got - the more that Nick rolled his hips or opened his mouth to allow Charlie to explore it with his tongue - the safer he felt. He felt in control of the dynamic, sure of what would happen next and that feeling of control, for the moment, kept him going.
Suddenly, Charlie pulled Nick's bottom lip between his teeth. Nick huffed out a laugh at the cheeky glint in his eye and how lucky he'd got. Charlie just prayed that his boyfriend was buying this display of confidence.
Nick ran his hands through Charlie's hair, smiling as he arched into the familiar touch, cat-like. Nick's hands travelled down Charlie's body, smoothing across his collarbones and caressing Charlie's sides through his t-shirt like a breeze. Charlie's breath hitched as he reached his hips, a short sharp inhale that had Nick looking up in alarm. Charlie offered him a reassuring smile, hoping it masked his discomfort.
Thoughts raced through his mind agitatedly, contradicting each other- Stop, don't stop- I don't want Nick to leave ,Charlie you can get through this! ,I don't like this I want it to stop...
Goddammit, was this going to get harder? Charlie didn't know how much more of this he could manage.
'Can I take these off?' Nick asked quietly.
The words cut through the cacophony like a knife.
Charlie looked down and away from the ceiling which had begun to spin sickeningly. Nick's hands toyed with the waistband of his jeans, a question in the movement.
He's offering you an out... whispered the traitorous voice in Charlie's head. Take the out Charlie.
Charlie summoned up all the courage in his body and nodded in a rush. He kept nodding as he heard Nick undo the button with a click, kept nodding as heard the fabric rustle down his thighs, nodding as he felt himself lift his knees up almost mechanically so Nick could manoeuvre the trousers off his legs.
Charlie tried to take a deep breath in, but somehow that made him panic more. He couldn't see Nick, his eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling, but knew he was casting an appraising eye over Charlie's body. He knew in his heart that Nick was judging him and didn't think that the judgement would be favorable. He knew what he looked like.
He felt so exposed, lying there in just his t-shirt and thin boxers. There weren't enough layers between his scars and his skin and his imperfections and Nick. Nick could probably see some of those scars now, Charlie thought with a dizzying rush of nausea.
Although healed, the cuts he'd left on himself over the years were still an ugly peachy-brown and stood out, startling against his too pale skin. He wondered what Nick had been expecting, whether he'd had to talk himself into doing this with him. Maybe he was wrong and Nick did want to do this but he didn't, not anymore. He wanted to stop.
The ringing in his ears had been replaced with an awful dull buzzing. Nick's hands, once so comforting in their touch, now felt foreign as they brushed his thighs. His eyes misted over, and with a hot pang of shame, he struggled to not let the tears trickle out.
Charlie heard Nick start to form another question and registered, a hysterical laugh almost spilling out of his mouth, that he was still nodding. He shook out a feeble noise of assent, hoping that Nick would hear it's weakness and realise he didn't want to do this, that he wanted to stop but no such luck.
And then his shirt was being inched up, revealing more and more of his skin. And hands were laying bare more and more of his shameful body and he couldn't hide himself any more. And fingers were being pressed to his ribs and...
And that was when the floodgates opened.
In a torrent of emotion, Charlie's resolve shattered and he cowered back from the unwelcome touch. Curling up into a ball and making himself as small as possible he felt the hot tears spill over his lashes and run down his face. Stop, he murmured through the tears, feeling like a coward as he did so, Stop, stop, stop.
'Charlie?', he heard Nick ask desperately and he bawled into his hands, a muffled scream ripped from his throat as he realised what this must be doing to Nick.
His whole body shook as it was racked with sobs like a paper-thin leaf caught in a violent snowstorm. Nick looked on in horror at his boyfriend's anguish. It broke his heart to think that he'd done this, that he'd made Charlie hurt like this. It broke his heart even more that he didn't know what to do; he knew he shouldn't touch him - not for a while - and what could he possibly say to make this alright?
'It's going to be alright' whispered Nick, cringing at how the words felt coming out of his mouth and how unsure they sounded. 'Everything's going to be ok.'
As Nick mumbled soothing words, Charlie slowly felt his breathing start to regulate again. He felt wretched though at Nick's occasional utterance of 'I'm sorry' - for what did the other boy have to be sorry for?
A few moments later Nick switched on the main lights for which he was grateful. The red L.E.Ds had seemed romantic and warm when they'd started fooling around - an aphrodisiac- but very quickly they'd added to the danger warning in his brain. Charlie moved his face away from the damp spot where his tears had soaked into the mattress and pushed himself up into a sitting position on shaking limbs. He couldn't meet Nick's eyes, not in this state. Nick had seen him at lower points than this; He'd seen him when he was skeletal and struggling to lift food to his mouth, when he was friendless and cowering in corners getting bullied for being gay and when he was being rushed to hospital bleeding out for self-harm but none of those were as mortifying as this.
Nick looked at his boyfriend, his arms wrapped tightly around himself and face streaked with snot and tears. He looked fragile but achingly beautiful and Nick longed to be the one holding him right now.
Nick picked up Charlie's jeans from where they lay crumpled beside him and handed them to him, a silent offering. He didn't know what to do with his face in that moment so simply gave a weak smile.
Wordlessly, Charlie climbed back into his trousers and Nick quickly pulled on his own t shirt. Charlie sat down on the edge of the bed his eyes downcast and hands clasped in his lap.
'Char?' Nick started hesitantly, 'Charlie talk to me?'
Charlie's lip trembled. With a noticeable effort he looked at Nick and said quietly, 'I'm so sorry'.
Those words hit Nick like a sucker punch. Instantly, he was reminded of an earlier meeting where a similar Charlie had apologised for Ben's assault. He knew that Charlie had a tendency to apologise for things that weren't his fault and hoped, with a feeling of queasiness at the thought, that he hadn't pressured Charlie into this.
Before he could repeat back that meeting's words however - you have nothing to be sorry for - Charlie beat him to it.
'Fuck Nick. I'm so so sorry. I tried to tell myself I was ready for this, but I knew really that I wasn't and... I tried to convince myself that I could get through this because I just want to have these experiences like a normal person sometimes so i ignored all the warning signs and it all got too much -'
Charlie swallowed at the memory but continued, 'And I'm so sorry for leading you on and I'm sorry if I ruined this evening and disappointed you'
'Disappointed me?', asked Nick quietly. 'I should have realised you were uncomfortable before you had a literal breakdown Charlie! What does that say about me as your boyfriend that I couldn't pick up on that? I'm so sorry if I pressured you into this or if you felt forced.'
He added the next part in a whisper, 'I feel like Ben.'
'You're nothing like Ben', said Charlie quietly.
Nick opened his mouth to argue but Charlie beat him to it.
'Nothing like him. You have nothing to apologise for'
'Yeah well.' Nick replied, his smile finally reaching his eyes 'Nor do you'.
They sat for a moment, taking in what the other had said before realising simultaneously that they were nearly shoulder to shoulder now, having gravitated back to each other during the conversation.
'Can I hold you?', asked Nick almost timidly. 'You can say no - that's totally fine'
'Please.'
Slowly, Nick put his Arms around Charlie who accepted the embrace with a soft hum of appreciation.
Warm.
Comforting.
Safe.
Charlie leant his head into the crook of Nick's neck where it slotted almost perfectly and they stayed like that a while, each inhaling the other's familiar scent - Charlie's coconut shampoo, Nick's Lynx deodorant. Nick dropped a kiss onto Charlie's mass of curls and the dark haired boy smiled, lips pressed to Nick's skin.
'Mm, what's the time?' asked Charlie sleepily.
'7:30 - how is it already 7:30?'
'Want to watch a movie?'
'Can it be a marvel-'
'In your dreams Nicholas, we're watching a rom-com '