Chapter Text
Life is unpredictable, you never know when it will stop and why. Maybe the heart has had enough, maybe it was my fault, or the fault of others. It’s all about fate. It was probably the one who decided I was going to meet Toga Himiko. And it was the one who decided to forcibly separate us that day.
My heart stopped several times during my first surgery to repair my ribs and stop the internal bleeding. Both my legs are broken and my right hand was crushed by debris, so I lost my pinky. My hand is now too weak to hold a spoon, I will have to learn to write with my left hand. My legs are fine, but I can only stand up for a few seconds before I fall on my knees. I don’t suffer as much as I expected, the doctor keeps telling me to hope that it will continue in this direction.
'Heart failure is when the heart loses some of its muscle strength and normal contraction capacity, it no longer pumps enough blood to allow the organs to receive enough oxygen and nutrients, which impairs their functioning. Your daughter will have more and more difficulty finding sleep every day, staying asleep every night. Catheterization will be used to identify where blood vessels are blocked or narrowed. When it comes to cancer, diseases like your daughter’s are hard to control. It evolution changes depending of the patient. Miss Uraraka doesn’t seem to suffer a lot right now, but I’d recommend she stay here in the hospital so we can track her condition, there’ll be stable phases and horrible seizures. Peaceful days and days of intense pain."
My parents exchanged anxious looks, filled with tears. My eyes also began to burn, but I must be strong. If I start crying, what will happen to my parents? They have a good heart. Seeing me suffer will only hurt them more.
'There are different treatments, some more expensive than others. I printed out a list of possible treatments. Depending on which one you choose, your daughter’s life may be longer or shorter, unfortunately we cannot predict the evolution of her heart. We’ll have to be patient. Talk to Miss Uraraka about this before you make your choice, because despite the amount of responsibility you have in your hands as parents, she will suffer."
My mother took my left hand in hers, eyes shining, the doctor was looking at me for the first time since my parents entered the room, but he’s not really looking at me, he’s looking at the condition of my legs and my scarred hand, but not really at me. My emotions don’t matter to him, my crying every time I come near a needle don't matter either. Nothing matters, he just has to keep me alive, that’s his only goal. I would probably end up in a vegetative state several years from now if this continues. Is that really what I’m looking for? I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like that either.
My father’s sniffing brings me back to reality, he shows my mother the list of possible treatments, it’s only when I see her open her eyes wide that I understand my reality. All these treatments are expensive in the long term, I wanted to help them live a better life, and now I’m taking them further away from this dream. The doctor leaves the room, there are only three of us now. My parents cry silently, and I can only turn my head away from their faces, dropping a few salty tears on my cheeks. They are tears of deep sorrow, pain and exhaustion, but above all tears of shame. A shame that follows me everywhere, all the time, whether I sleep or not, whether I’m happy or not. The shame’s been with me since I was born. At first, I thought it was the shame of our poverty. But I finally realized that it was just a shame that had formed because of myself. That it is only one of the many parts of myself. It was born beside me and it will not leave me; even in death, I will be ashamed.
Gently, my father takes my cheeks in his hands wet with anxiety and with his own tears. He held them gently, as if they would break. My parents have always shown gentleness, I sometimes wonder if I inherited this quality. My hands are defiled by the blood of my enemies, by the blood of those I could not save, they will never be as comforting as my father’s, nor as soft as my mother’s. They will remain cold and rough.
"Ochako, my precious daughter." My mother cried even more when she heard my dad talk." You are our whole life, the light that lights our world, your mother and I, and this." He sniffed and I felt the tears threatening to fall at any moment. "And that, even if you’re not a hero, even if I never see you saving your loved ones again, or seeing you in the spotlight."
I will never save anyone again, how can I save someone when I can’t even save myself and my exhausted heart?
"It doesn’t matter. We’re here for you. Don’t feel guilty, just live and don’t look back. All you’ve done is take care of others your whole life, It’s our turn to take care of you. Even if we work harder to pay for your treatments, and we may not be able to visit you very often, we’ll stay here, warm." He said, putting his hand where my heart is supposed to be. "Loin des yeux, près du coeur."
My heart feel so cold once he takes his hand is off. Can a heart freeze to death? If so, I think he would have died a long time ago.
"It’s time to take your medicine, Miss Ochako. How are you feeling today? Are you as out of breath as yesterday?"
"Hello Nanako-san. I feel better than yesterday, but I’m just as tired, my sleep won’t get better, will it?"
I swallow the medicine she gives me using the water at my disposal.
"I’m afraid not. Sleeping pills will only make you more tired when you wake up, I’m sorry."
I breathe gently through my nose, catching my breath.
"Don’t worry, I expected it. Thanks, you can go, I’ll call you back if I need to. See you soon."
She offered me a smile that I returned to her, once gone, I lay down gently on my bed.
I have not left this bed for a week, unable to get up, I am practicing writing with my left hand, I'm making progress, I also get to know the other patients of the hospital by looking through the window. The weather is getting cold, winter will soon be here, the first snowflakes too. I would have liked to do a snowball battle like last year, rolling in the thick and cold white cloud until I end up sick. Drink hot chocolate every morning and every night. But I probably won't do any of that this year.
Then I saw an unknown figure enter the hospital garden, accompanied by the same nurse : Nanako-san. Only when she turned around did I recognize her, it was Toga, Himiko Toga. She had untied her hair and didn’t have her usual smile, but she was still recognizable. Why is she here ? She doesn’t seem to be hurt.
I kept looking at her during her walk, wondering what might have happened to her, but I always came to the same conclusion: I had to ask. She walked slowly, sometimes stopping to watch the orange leaves of autumn fall down. Frequently, she looked up at the grey sky, as if it contained all the answers she coveted. And each time, I found myself imitating her, also seeking the answers to my questions in this painting made with different shades of grey.
The sun went down, Nanako-san will come soon to bring me my bland dinner and my medicine, there is no one left outside, boredom occupies the room. It was only half an hour after that the nurse came to feed me.
"Tell me, why is Toga here?"
"Do you know her?"
"She’s.." It took me a while to find my words. I never thought about what she meant to me. Is she an enemy? A friend? A simple acquaintance? My classmates wouldn't have hesitated to call her naughty, sadistic ; yet, I cannot consider her like that, no word could describe our relationship.
"She’s a friend." After all, that’s what describe her the best.
"Then I have no problem telling you. She’s not hurt, at least not physically. She stays in this hospital because her mental state is too dangerous for others so we can’t let her out, but It’s too weak to put her in prison. As a result, she will be here for a while. A team of psychologists follows her closely to try to treat her. An improvement is visible, but her isolation seems hard for her."
She’s always had trouble fitting in, unlike me. Toga and I are different, and yet, in every fight, I can only find myself in her sadness. I wish I had managed to save her. She deserves to be saved, but she doesn’t seem to think that way. Will she forgive me for all these punches ? For all the tears she had to swallow back ? for the pain I caused her?
"Do you want her to come and keep you company during the day ? I can make sure she gets here once her exams and yours are done." She smiled at me nicely, I offered her a small smile in return while thinking about what to say. The most important thing is her consent, will she want to see me again?
"Can you ask her? If she’s okay with it, then I’d like it if she kept me company."
"I would talk to him about it. Well, everything’s in order, the hose to your throat may seem disturbing at first but it’s the safest way to make sure you’re breathing. Rest well, I will come to see you at 10:00 after your medical examinations, accompanied or not by Miss Toga. Good evening Miss Ochako."
"Please stop calling me miss, Ochako will do."
"All right, good night Ochako."
"Good night, Nanako-san."
The door closes and loneliness returns. I will only sleep a few hours tonight, even if I'm tired, it is impossible for me to find sleep, I'm afraid, I'm ashamed to be afraid. The night frightens me, the sudden noises too. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to sleep and die in my sleep. What if my heart gives up ? What if a bad guy I had upset comes to kill me for revenge while I sleep? It’s so unlikely, and yet nothing seems to put my mind at ease. I just have to wait for the peak of fatigue to fall asleep.
"Hold on, Miss Ochako, you’ll be fine."
Everything is blurred, I can only feel the burning tears rolling down my cheeks, I can only feel the pain of my body that seems to be on fire. I'm burning, the suffering consumes me little by little. When everything stops, I no longer feel alive. I feel my fingers, my legs again; but I no longer feel my heart. The doctors' eyes are cold, so is my room. Is it winter already? I’m so cold.
"Ochako, your friend has agreed to visit you."
She was hidden behind Nanako-san’s white blouse, her hair was again tied in buns, leaving a few blonde strands of hair around her face. She no longer wears her beautiful smile and her dark circles are darker than last time.
"I’ll leave you two alone, I won’t be far away so feel free to ring the bell if you need me."
After she left my room, an embarrassing silence sets in, no one knows what to say, I clear my throat and try to start the conversation with a smile.
"I didn’t think I’d see you again, Toga, how are you doing? I’m sorry I hurt you." She did not answer directly, picking at her nails during a few seconds, uncertain of what to answer.
"You’re still cute, Ochako, even with that big tube in your throat." I laugh softly, she starts smiling in return, displaying her sharp teeth. "I’m fine, but I’m sad I can’t see my friends anymore. Do you think I could get out soon? The walks bore me, there’s nothing to do here, I don’t even have any knives or needles. Besides, it’s really cold in my room, I find yours warmer."
She sits next to me, by the window, swinging on her chair, smiling.
"I’m sorry I scared you, I like your blood a lot, you know? I can’t control my cravings. Have you suffered a lot because of me? Is that why you’re here and why you wanted to see me?"
"I didn’t bring you here for this, Toga, I’m not here because of you. I just wanted to see you and apologize, I hurt you too. I saw yo outside yesterday, but I didn’t have the courage to call you." She stops rocking back and forth, and looks at me with piercing eyes, as if she wanted to check if I’m telling the truth. Her golden eyes never frightened me, it is surprisingly rather comforting, I have never seen eyes that shine so much in the sun.
"I’m bored here, don’t you want to keep me company? I’m often tired, so if I fall asleep, don’t wake me up, 'kay? You can go out whenever you want."
She seems to understand, but finds it difficult to find her words, she was so sure of herself during the multiple fights. She nodded her head to tell me that she agreed, then noticed my right hand resting on my stomach.
"It’s ugly, huh? I’m learning to write with the other hand, but It’s hard."
"You lost one of your pretty fingers, that’s too bad. But don’t worry, you’re still pretty." Most of her long white teeth were visible when she smiled, which only accentuated her sparkle. " Do ya want me to help you write? I don’t have a beautiful handwriting, but the teacher told me that I was good at spelling when I was little, but yeah the level isn’t that high when you’re six." I began to laugh heartily, happy to have someone by my side.
"In that case, can you bring me all my stuff and the laptop desk for bed that’s in the closet to your right? I’m gonna stand up a little."
We spent the day writing, Toga doing (of course) much better than me. For the first time in a long week, my heart was burning, but this time, not because of the pain, but because of joy. It was hard catching my breath because of how much I laughed, it was only when my wrist began to suffer that we stopped.
"It’s time to go, Miss Toga."
She looked at me, and took my hand in hers.
"I want to stay longer, can’t I ? Please nurse Nanako-san. I’ll return to my room later, I know the way!"
I smiled gently and asked if it was possible. She sighed for a long time and then smiled,
"All right, but if one of you wants to sleep, then she go to sleep, okay? Especially you Ochako, you need to rest. I’ll come by your rooms in the morning, and you better be asleep okay?" We nodded and laughed hard once she left, Toga still hadn’t let go of my hand and oddly enough, I didn’t want to let it go either and caught myself holding hers even harder, I wasn’t cold anymore.
"When we go out, you’ll stay by my side, won’t you, Ochako?" I smiled at her the best I could, not daring to tell her I'd never get out of here.
"Sure, we’ll go where you always wanted to go." She then hugged me, giggling in my neck.
"But you can’t keep killing people, or we can’t be together." She slowly detached herself from me, and stared at me.
"I won’t kill anyone, but you’ll do your best to get out as soon as possible." She put her head on my stomach and I gently stroked her head, as a mother would comfort her child. Her long hair slipping between my fingers, feeling her heartbeat going faster.
"I promise, you’ll have to wait patiently for me." She smiled brightly,
"That’s what I do, I wait for you."
We spent the evening like that, both our hearts were beating in unison, neither of us knew what to say, we liked the silence. I’d been asleep for a while, and when I woke up, Toga was still here, her fingers squeezing the other four of my right hand that even my parents didn’t dare touch, they were always afraid of hurting me, I never dared to tell them I missed the warmth of normal hands. The softness of her pale hand made me forget the roughness of mine.
". .Himiko." she said gently.
"Sorry? I didn’t hear the beginning of your sentence."
"Call me Himiko." Her gaze remained on my hand, she felt the same shame as mine.
"Then call me Uraraka."
She raised her head and blushed, nodding quickly.
"U-ra-ra-ka"
"Hi-mi-ko ?"
We began to laugh while repeating each other’s names, stopping at each syllable like two children learning to speak; and for the first time in a - way too - long time, I fell asleep without fear, and if I was sure it had happened, I would have told you about the kiss she left on my forehead before leaving my room.
I spent several days with Himiko, but my condition quickly deteriorated. My parents came to see me, worried about what will happen to me, Himiko was not allowed. Visits were for family only. The minutes turned into hours and the hours into days, I gradually lost track of time, sleeping long hours and then staying awake for days watching out the window. I was no longer eating, the taste of food had become unbearable and my throat was on fire, making it impossible to eat food. I was put on IV.
My gaze was as if veiled by a blurred filter on my vision, I could no longer discern the letters I was trying to write, so I quickly gave up. My heart almost gave out one night, but my parents reacted quickly, it was only after a week that I recovered. And it was after several days of rest that I was able to see Himiko again. She hadn’t changed, but I knew I did. My dark circles were darker, I had lost weight and I was running out of breath faster.
"How are you, Himiko? I’ve missed you, you know? Don’t just stand there, sit down." I tell her, pointing the chair in the same place as usual.
She approached me slowly, then hugged me gently, as if I was going to break at any moment, I hated it. I wish she’d hugged me until I lost my breath. But instead, she just put her arms around my neck, leaving shaky breaths on it, giving me a chill.
"I was scared. I thought you were going to leave me. You know, I probably couldn’t survive here without you, It’s so cold. The first snowflakes are coming soon. You have to see them with me." She continued to whisper in my ear, making my face red. "Don’t abandon me like Mom and Dad." She began to cry, and I could only hug her back, caressing her smooth hair.
"I won’t leave you alone. You know, my dad always said to me, 'Loin des yeux, près du coeur'. So even if I’m not close to you anymore, I’ll stay here, warm." I said, placing my hand on her heart, imitating my father’s gestures. She did the same with mine, and I approached my forehead to hers, we closed our eyes and stayed there for a few seconds, listening to each other’s fast heartbeats, without a word. She then broke the silence.
"I really like you, Uraraka, you know? Of course I love your blood, and I'd love to drink it every day, but that’s not why I like you so much." She broke away from me and took my hands in hers, staring at them intensely.
"I was always told that I was a monster, that drinking other people’s blood was inhuman, but I never wanted to hurt anyone when I was little. You were the only one who seemed to understand that. The only one who liked my monstrous smile. It’s for all these reasons that I love you very much. With you, I feel normal, and I feel loved for the very first time."
I took her face in my hands, admiring each of her features, I had never felt these emotions before, of course, I had experienced attraction towards Deku-kun before, but I had never loved anyone as I love Himiko, I never wanted to see every facet of a person, I never wanted to be part of someone’s life so much. I would be willing to give all my blood if it would allow her to live happily ever after. Is it weird to love another girl? I don’t want to disappoint my parents anymore, but Himiko matters more than anyone.
"You know, I won’t be here very long. I’m not allowed to love you, Himiko, I can’t put you through all this." My eyes are filled with tears, I continue to admire her through my now blurred vision, I could remember her face even if I lose sight, I could remember the golden color of her eyes, the softness of her face, the finesse of her features.
"I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I fall in love easily, boy or girl, I feel like I fall in love with every person I meet, with every drop of blood I taste. And yet, I never fell in love like I did with you. I don’t care if I’m only with you for a short time, if I can love you for even a second, that’s fine with me."
She rubbed her face on my rough hand, ignoring my right hand even if it was so much more beautiful. She then began to kiss every scar, every flaw on my four-fingered hand. She didn’t only see my suffering, she also saw my true self, she dug deep into my soul to find all the flaw and put a part of her in it. I was finally whole. I was full of love and of joy despite a faulty heart. I was no longer ashamed, I was no longer afraid. Maybe that’s why I caught myself kissing her without hesitating. Her lips were sweet and soft, mine seemed almost rotten, corrupted, compared to hers. Yet she did not draw back, and when her canines pierced my lower lip, I did not draw back either. And even when she began to extract the red pearls that came out of the wounds she had unconsciously created, I still did not draw back.
"I will never love anyone other than you Himiko." This time, it was she who slowly retracted, troubled by my words.
"Are you sure? I killed people, I’m not a good person. You, on the other hand, were in UA, saving people."
"I can’t ignore your crimes, but all of this is in the past, move forward, do good in the world and people will learn to know you again." I gently caressed her face, thinking about how I was supposed to give her all the love in the world during my limited time.
"Tell me, did you really mean it when you told me I was cute?" I smiled gently, then pressed a kiss on the corner of his mouth tinged in red because of my few drops of blood.
"Of course I did, and I would still think so even if you had the whole world agaisnt you."
It only took these simple words to see her last wall fall, her whole soul had opened up to me, to me alone, and it was without difficulty that I touched the opening of her soul by kissing her sweet doors to the finesse of her heart. We stayed like that until the lack of air bothered her ; to me, it was the tube down my throat that bothered me, it I felt as if a filter was placed on me, preventing me from feeling everything, especially the shortness of breath I should have suffered of after this long exchange. Everything led me to think that I was not really there, removing it was enough to bring me to death in the next few days. But if taking it away meant being able to kiss my true love with everything I have, I would have attempted to do so a long time ago.
"I don’t want to live like that anymore, I don’t want to be chained anymore Himiko, I want to live to the fullest."
None of us knew what to say, no words could describe our love and sadness, so we remained silent, trying to solve this enigma of life that is death. I've done the math, there’s no solution, we'll never last. Why can’t I let go of this ?
"If removing this tube let you live happily during your last days then.. let’s remove it. Nothing is more important than you." Her voice trembled, she does not want to take it away, this lie did not matter to me, I didn't want to live in this state anymore, a month more would'nt change anything, my state would have deteriorated and I would have ended up dying without seeing or hearing anything. I want to have the choice to die as I want, for the first and last time, I want to change my fate.
These are the words I declamed to my parents, who supported my decision, although they only approved it after long hours of grief. I told them about Himiko, they didn’t seem surprised, it was as if we were meant to be together and they knew it all along. I'm free again, I breathe when I want, I hold my breath when I want, I get breathless after a kiss, I can breathe the smell of flowers that Himiko’s hair emits. I’m back, I’m real again. Nothing controls my life, nothing chains my heart, I am freed from these after a long month, I only felt oppressed before. Now I'm finally alive. All the flaws are filled by her love, and all her flaws his by mine.
I was the one who wanted to leave, yet I can’t believe I’m leaving her. We spent our days together, laughing and crying, bonding. I can now write easily. All my efforts have not been in vain. Winter is not that far away, I feel even colder now, the cold brings with it the smell of death. I still can’t swallow anything, and I get tired much faster, I can no longer spend so much time with Himiko, alternating between medical exams and long hours of rest.
The first day of winter, I knew. Today will be the day of my death. I refused every medical exams, I spent the morning with my parents, they cried a lot when they saw my condition, I could hardly see, most of my vision was blurred, I didn't weighed much and I had difficulty breathing without medical help, which I categorically refused. Nanako-san also cried when I admitted to her that this was undoubtedly going to be my last hours, my last request was to bring Himiko, I asked her not to tell her. It was my turn to destroy the last wall that separated her from my weakened heart.
When she entered the room with her usual smile, I no longer felt the biting cold of winter, nor the burning sensation in my chest. It was spring again, the buds became flowers then fruit, the grass became green again, the clouds gave way to the blue of the sky; I could almost hear the melody of the morning birds. She's my sun, the light of my life. I was the moon, the cold of death. My whole world revolves around her, my heart belongs to her, the blood that flows in my veins too. I could have given myself completely to her if I could, I would have given her all the richess of the world, I would have erased all her crimes.
"It’s going to snow soon, It’s so cold, don’t you think? Luckily your room is heated." I didn't dare tell her that I no longer felt any parts of my body, with or without heating, the cold had overwhelmed me. She was the only one who could warm me up, the only one who filled my heart with warmth when she hugged me, when she kissed me. Everything about her made me crazy in love, I was hers and she was mine. We were both immersed in a strange and indescribable sadness. Unable to describe it, we never talked about the end of our story. But it was time.
"You’ll be leaving soon, won’t you?" she said silently, taking my right hand. I never understood why she loved to touch every one of my disfigured fingers.
"Don’t leave me alone, you have no right, you said we would go together, that we would go where I always wanted to go. You said you would go everywhere with me. You have no right to lie to me! You have no right to abandon me, you are.. So selfish! I hate it." She started crying, and my heart never hurt so much. Each tears on her cheek reminded me of my faults, I disappointed her as I always disappointed my my loved ones. I couldn’t save myself in time to save her. Nothing matters to me anymore, except her.
"I’m sorry Himiko, I really am, I didn’t want to leave you, please don’t hate me. I’m so scared. I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me go, I want to keep seeing you every day, I want to get out of here, I want to explore the world with you, I want to give you my blood, I want to love you again and again. Don’t hate me. I’m so ashamed. Please."
The room was filled with sorrow, with the beginning of mourning. I’m not the only one who died in this hospital, I’m not unique, I shouldn’t feel so special and hope to be magically cured, and yet, I wish I could tell her that I’ll be better tomorrow, that we still have many days to live together. But none of this is true. Nothing could prevent our separation, I felt death coming and embracing my body.
"I don’t hate you, I love you more than anything. I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean it, I love you so much! I don’t want to lose you, so stay close to me again. Let me kiss you one last time."
So I did, it was a soft kiss, her tears had given a salty taste to her lips, and yet I could still smell the sweet scent of them. I could still breathe the floral scent of her honey hair and see the gilding on her eyes filled with tears.
"Am I cute?"
"The cutest girl in the world."
She hugged me with her thin arms, I felt her tears on my neck, then she took my face into her hands, it was her turn to look at me as if I was the most beautiful thing on Earth. She slowly took them off my neck, looking out the window. When she turned towards me, she had a big smile on her face; her white canines stood out especially because of the light that came from the window of my room.
"Uraraka, can you see the first snowflakes? It’s beautiful, isn’t it?"
"Yes, it is beautiful."
I dared not tell her that my vision was too blurry to distinguish them in this sky of whitish hue that brought winter. I might not see the beauty of the first snowflakes, but I know that they will never be as beautiful as her.
THE END OF PART 1.