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It's so unfair. Just- so unfair.
Jiang Cheng can't even rejoice at the fact that he finally developed his golden core because of course Wei Wuxian did it almost a full year before him and got a soul mark to boot, while Jiang Cheng looked himself all over but couldn't find any sign of the gods' designs for him.
Of course Wei Wuxian gets everything. Again.
"And what are you moping for?" Mom asks after finding him sequestered in his little corner of Lotus Pier. Everyone knows he comes here to think -to hide, he thinks bitterly- but no one usually bothers here. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for the feast?"
Right.
The feast for the future master of Lotus Pier that finally got his golden core, and that he would rather die than attend.
"It's nothing A-niang," Jiang Cheng sighs. "I just- I don't know. I expected... Something."
"Soul marks just make trouble," Mom says, her lips curled in displeasure even as she guesses exactly what he's sulking about.
Jiang Cheng scowls. "But- A-niang, aren't you and A-die soulmates?"
Mom's laugh is bitter, like a wounded animal prodded in its cage.
"For all the good it did to me with Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze around."
Jiang Cheng stiffens, looking at her with wide, shocked eyes. "You're not implying-"
"I'm not implying anything, you idiot child," she rolls her eyes. "When you get to my age, you don't need to run away from things anymore. Life is as it is, and that's that."
"A-niang..."
"It was because of this that your father didn't leave." She taps the bright purple lotus on her collarbone with a sharp nail. "The two of them were so generous, they offered to let me come with them. Just a gaggle of rogue cultivators with no name or clan." She laughs again, shaking her head. "But I had a responsibility to my mother and the Meishan Yu. I knew I was to be the villain in their story, and I didn't shy away from it."
Jiang Cheng sits there with his feet growing cold in the lake, looking at this stranger with his mother's face telling him stories of a life that could've been.
"Is- A-niang, is that why you hate Wei Wuxian?"
Mom rolls her eyes. "I am your mother, Jiang Cheng. It's my responsibility to look out for you and A-Li, and that boy will cause you as much trouble as his parents caused me."
It's a statement, not an answer to a question as easily responded with a yes or no, Jiang Cheng thinks.
"...Do you think A-die resents you because he had to stay?"
He knows his parents love each other, even if they show it very differently from other married couples in Lotus Pier. He sees it in the way Dad smiles and bows his head even as Mom scolds him for the third time that day, in the way Mom scoffs and rolls her eyes as she fixes his robe's collar and always gives a last, almost gentle pat at his chest before letting go. Still, he's starting to understand one can love someone and resent them too.
Mother shrugs. "I did my duty to my clan if not my heart, and he did the same. I don't care about anything else."
Jiang Cheng sees the stubborn curve to her lips, her stiff shoulders and her white-knuckled hands, and he recognizes the same signs he sees in the mirror when he's holding back something that hurts.
He thinks for a moment of a different life.
One where he and Yanli weren't born in Lotus Pier, where maybe they weren't even born to Mother, yet they still knew her fierce protection and her rare gentle moments. A life where he could call Wei Wuxian brother without worrying to measure his worth up to his. A modest life of traveling and struggling, surrounded by people that made the road home.
"Well- I'm glad A-niang stayed," he says in the end.
Mother's dark eyes meet his.
"Me too," she says after a moment.
Jiang Cheng thinks they both know they're lying, but life is as it is, and that's that.
"How's your wound?" Huaisang asks. He's sitting across the table setting up the pieces on a weiqi board, and Jiang Cheng is struck by the hilarity of it.
"Better." He arches an eyebrow at the board. "Still not tired of moving your little pieces around?"
Huaisang's hands, soft and so much more dangerous with a brush than they are with a sword, stiffen over the board. The mood in the room grows heavier as the silence stretches. Jiang Cheng has time to wonder if he actually meant for the words to come out so accusing, or if it was an attempt at a joke foiled by his inability to communicate again.
"I never meant for A-Ling to end up at the temple," Huaisang says, not looking up from the white and black jade pieces. "After I saw him head there, I could only think to message you. It was not my intention that you got hurt either."
"You weren't afraid I'd mess up your scene?" Jiang Cheng arches an eyebrow, genuinely curious. Mother was right- at a certain age running from things is more tiring than useful, and he's very aware he doesn't have Huaisang's skill for acting, or his patience and cunning.
Huaisang does look up at that, giving him a suspicious glare. "If you expect me to apologize-"
"I'd be stupid to." Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes.
"Yes, you would!" Huaisang snaps. "I am not going to apologize for doing right by my brother, but I don't expect you to understand, Wanyin."
The accusation stings of course, but Jiang Cheng finds that what irks him the most is the idea that this was all for Nie Mingjue's sake.
'I would do it again- I would've died for you like I should've died for shijie at Nightless City!'
He's so tired of so-called good intentions being foisted upon those who never asked for them.
"The only thing you did asides from killing Jin Guangyao was break Lan Xichen even more," he says dryly. "Your brother sealed himself in a coffin with the man you avenged him against. This was all for you, Huaisang."
"Well, maybe it was. I never pretended to be righteous, did I?" Huaisang reaches for his fan, but Jiang Cheng grabs his wrist before he can use it to cover his face. The Jiang clarity bell dangles between them letting out a solitary, sad ring.
It's- talking is so fucking complicated. Words are difficult and they make everything feel awkward and stupid, but after all these years Jiang Cheng knows better than anyone how they can turn to poison in your chest if you don't put them out there when you have to.
"I didn't f- I didn't fall in love with you because you were righteous, Huaisang." His face is burning, and it's ridiculous that voicing this aloud after so many years is what feels the most mortifying about this situation, but he pushes through with the same stubbornness with which he imagines his mother once did the same. "I've- I always knew you were pulling my strings, alright? I'm not that stupid. But you never- I trusted that you wouldn't keep me in the dark because you thought I couldn't handle it. I trusted that you at least respected me enough."
Huaisang's eyes are still downcast, fixed on the clarity bell swinging side to side like a pendulum.
"It's not like that," he says in the end, his voice muted and barely audible. "Would you have gone along with it if I'd just gone 'Wanyin, I want to kill Jin Guangyao because he broke my trust and hurt my feelings'?"
"He did get your brother killed." Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. "And probably? I do a lot of dumb shit for you."
From hunting mountain hens to participating in covert necromancy, it seems.
"You do a lot of dumb shit for yourself too," Huaisang scoffs. "I just wasn't going to dump that on you, Wanyin. It was mine to carry alone."
"My brother would be proud of you," Jiang Cheng says dryly, and Huaisang has the decency to flinch. "Haven't I always known you were selfish? That you get what you want no matter what? I just wanted to know."
He wonders for a moment if this is how Nie Mingjue felt about Jin Guangyao, but he's not angry enough to voice the thought. Besides, lying your way out of saber practice and cajoling your lover for a new fan is hardly the same as manipulation and murder.
Except he guesses Huaisang has done both now. Huh.
"...I'm sorry," Huaisang says quietly.
'I don't need you to apologize,' Jiang Cheng is about to say, but the words catch in his throat.
Maybe he does need it. Maybe he does need someone to acknowledge that they hurt him despite never meaning to, that he's got a right to feel pain even if it was necessary.
"Thank you," he says instead, his voice hoarse.
A long moment of silence stretches between them, blanketing the room as though it's been frozen in time.
"I don't think I know what to do now," Huaisang speaks again, and the words have the fragility of a confession.
Jiang Cheng holds back a sigh. He was always so jealous of Wei Wuxian and Huaisang's intelligence, but they really are just like a cat that gets its claws stuck in a curtain and doesn't know where to go from there.
"You'll think of something. Didn't you know?" He pulls the fan free of Huaisang's grip and waits until he turns his face towards him with a puzzled look to smack him on the forehead with it. "My lover is the Head Cultivator, a secret mastermind in liege with the terrifying Yiling Patriarch."
"Stop that," Huaisang snorts. He's always had the most fucking unattractive snort, and Jiang Cheng hates that he likes it so much.
"Come here," Jiang Cheng says, pulling Huaisang against his chest for a hug.
The pressure stings on his recently healed wound, a fresh reminder of yet another scar he will carry for the rest of his life.
Still, life is as it is, and that's that.