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Ava groaned as she opened her eyes. Head pounding from all the alcohol she had the previous night, she was about to close her eyes and fall back to sleep when the door burst open and Camila marched in.
“Get up!” The smaller former nun shouted, drawing open the curtains which made Ava groan again.
“Cam, it’s–”
“8am and you’re already late.”
“But–”
Ava was interrupted when Camila grabbed the duvet covers and yanked them off her, shocking the halo bearer when a blast of cold air hit her senses. Normally, she would’ve grabbed Beatrice and used her against Camila but her fiancee was in another room, something about it being bad luck for the brides to see each other before the wedding. And as much as Ava whined about it, Camila had been insistent on it. She was determined to not let anything stand in their way.
Maybe it was a bad idea to let her be in charge of this event.
The moment Camila had found out about their engagement, she appointed herself as the organizer and the officiant of the wedding. It was something to do with missing all of the other important moments between the two. Nevertheless, Camila had managed to set up a wedding in a few weeks with the help of Yasmine, Lilith, Jillian and Suzanne. Or more like she bullied them into helping her.
As grateful as Ava was towards Camila, her brain was throbbing and she used her arms to cover her eyes.
Then, all of a sudden, a wave of ice cold water hit her and she sat up, spluttering and coughing, “What the hell?”
“Language,” Camila scolded, putting down the bucket which she had seemingly pulled out of nowhere. Glaring at the slightly older nun, Ava wondered how on earth she wasn’t hungover. After all, Camila had drunk more than her, Beatrice, Lilith and Yasmine combined.
“Why aren’t you hungover?” She asked.
“Not my first rodeo,” Camila replied, avoiding the question entirely which made Ava even more curious as to how Camila could’ve had experience with alcohol. After all, didn’t she join the convent at age 15?
If Ava’s head wasn’t killing her, she would’ve inquired further.
“I thought the halo would’ve fixed your hangover,” Camila said, making said sentient object blink rapidly in morse code, “Please, not worth my energy and time.”
“It refuses to deal with alcohol fueled problems,” Ava replied.
“Well if you didn’t drink so much, this wouldn’t be happening.”
“I can’t be the only one dying, how’s Bea doing?”
“Lilith told me that she drew her daggers when she tried to get her up but other than that, she’s doing fine.”
“Give me 10 more minutes,” Ava begged but Camila grabbed her by the ankles and pulled her off the bed, making her hit the floor and her head hard.
“What the fuck?!”
“Ava Silva, I swear to God, you better not mess this wedding up! I did not spend hours making this perfect only for you to–”
“Alright alright,” Ava grumbled, forcing her body to get up.
“I hate you,” She whispered to the halo who blinked back in morse code, two words, seven letters.
…
“I hate hangovers,” Ava remarked, as she sat next to her wife at the main table. Dressed in a white gown with a lacy back, Ava wished that she did not drink so much the previous night. As happy as she was to be finally married to the love of her life, her body was still recovering from all the alcohol.
“At least you didn’t vomit all over the Pope,” Beatrice replied, still trying to figure out how Camila managed to convince him to attend their wedding. And not just him, but all of the Vatican cardinals and the sister warriors from the neighboring convents. He’d even offered up the Popemobile for them to drive away later.
“I told you to drink my family’s hangover cure,” Lilith hissed from beside Beatrice but Ava shot back, “It looks weird and you probably poisoned it.”
“Why would I poison you on your wedding day? If anything, I would poison you on your honeymoon. Plus I promised Camila that I would not ruin the best day of her life,” Lilith huffed.
“Lilith!” Beatrice smacked her childhood friend on the arm.
“So you’re saying you two will never get married?” Ava asked, wiggling her eyebrows at the half-demon who snorted, “My mother loves Camila more than me, we’re practically married.”
Then she gestured to the buffet table where Camila was talking animatedly with Mrs Villumbrosia as if they were best friends. It was a bit unsettling to say the least and Ava had caught Suzanne and Jillian making out the night before.
That image was now ingrained in her mind and it was the most traumatizing thing she’d been through. And this was coming from the woman that’d lost her mom, was paralyzed from the neck down for 12 years, murdered by a psycho nun, became the Warrior Nun, died a couple of times and defeated two so called deities.
But now, watching the two older women dance to Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift on the dance floor, Ava couldn’t help but feel happy for them.
Surprsingly, Jillian was a fan of Taylor and her favorite album was 1989. Blondie really catered to everyone (Ava had caught Jillian dancing to Shake It Off and humming How You Get The Girl). It was funny how everyone’s album represented each of their personalities even if it sometimes didn’t make sense. Like how Yasmine’s album was Reputation and mainly because Getaway Car was in it. But on some occasions, it fit them perfectly, like how Taylor’s debut album suited Camila best because she was the baby of the group.
“I’m gonna tell the DJ to switch to Reputation” Yasmine said, standing up and walking off.
“Play Look What You Made Me Do!” Lilith shouted abd Ava followed up with “I think she’ll prefer Sparks Fly!”
When Lilith turned to glare at her, Ava was laughing, “I can’t believe you like Speak Now!”
“It’s emotional and as the middle sister no one asked for, it caters to me,” She stated which immediately made Ava feel bad.
“Of course you must bring the mood down,” Ava grumbled just as End Game started to play.
“The halo likes this song apparently,” Beatrice remarked as the ring light started to blink to the beat.
“Mother too,” Camila pointed to the dance floor where Suzanne was twerking her hips to said song.
“I thought you were a Fearless Swiftie,” Ava said to the Halo who blinked back, “I am.”
“I think the Halo only likes this song,” Beatrice stated and the Halo replied with, “Yes.”
When Ava had first found out that the Halo was a swiftie, she expected it to like Midnights but it when the holy donut started blinking rapidly to the entire album, she was surprised to say the least.
Then again, when she’d proposed to Beatrice and put on Love Story, the halo had morse code sung the lyrics, glowing even brighter when the lyrics “Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone. I love you and that’s all I really know.” played.
It was extremely sweet and frankly Ava should’ve known the halo was a Fearless swiftie considering it constantly blinked You Belong With Me during their time in the Alps.
“I loved when the halo blinked to the beat of lover,” Camila gushed and Ava found herself smiling at that. Lover and Red (As sad as All Too Well was, it was extremely catchy) was her favorite albums but the former was more romantic and suited the vibe. So the song Lover had been the song to her and Beatrice’s first dance as a married couple.
Then per Beatrice’s request, Ivy was played. Yes, even Beatrice enjoyed Taylor’s music and Folklore and Evermore were her favorite albums.
“Still can’t believe she showed up uninvited,” Lilith grumbled.
“I wouldn’t say no to free food either,” Ava shrugged.
“You didn’t tell us how their first meeting went, ” Beatrice said, making Lilith gulp down what seemed to be her sixth glass of wine for the afternoon. Then she turned to the newly married couple, “You will not repeat this to anyone else.”
“Scout’s honor,” Ava saluted Lilith who rolled her eyes while Beatrice nodded.
“We don’t have to do this,” Camila told Lilith who looked so tense that her spine could snap at any second.
“No, it’s time.’
“But we’ve only been dating for a month, maybe we could—”
“A month equals ten years in my family,” Lilith replied before she glanced at a picture of her parents on the golden tabletop, “Besides my parents courted for four months before getting married.”
“And you wonder why he left,” Camila mumbled under her breath and before Lilith could clarify that that wasn’t the reason, she felt the deadly presence of a snake behind her.
“Mother,” She whipped around and Mrs Villumbrosia who’d just entered through the front door, paused and looked at her daughter.
“Lilith,” She addressed her with disgust evident in her tone.
Removing her expensive sunglasses, she asked, “Here to destroy more of our family home?”
“It’s still standing so guess I didn’t do enough damage,” Lilith countered before Camila piped up, “You fought Ava here?”
“Impaled her on that sword over there too,” Lilith responded with a glance to the suit of armour on her right and Camila turned to take a look, spotting the dried blood on the metal.
“You made such a mess! And skewering your friend in this house? Again?!” Mrs Villumbrosia scolded her daughter.
“Again?” Camila asked.
“Fencing incident, don’t worry about it,” Liilith assured her but Camila was not assured, at all.
“And what is that small thing besides you?” Mrs Villumbrosia directed her attention to Camila.
Clearing her throat, Lilith lifted her chin up proudly and introduced Camila, “Mother, this is my girlfriend, Camila.”
Upon hearing that, Mrs Villumbrosia dropped her sunglasses and her jaw dropped. After a few moments, she asked, “Really? You chose her? You couldn’t get someone better?”
“That’s it! I am done with you constantly belittling me and–”
“I was talking to Camila,” Mrs Villumbrosia cut in, which caught Camila off guard.
“I mean there were not many options, being a nun cut me off from–”
“You’re a nun?”
“Was a nun.”
“But you’re so…cute and innocent…” Mrs Villumbrosia remarked to which Camila replied, “And I’ve just downloaded your entire family’s medical history.”
Pulling out her tablet from her small bag, Camila began browsing through it, “Who knew Alzheimer's runs in the family. Also, Lilith, you have six sisters? They look nothing like you!”
“Oh her father wanted to try every flavor from the seven seas. Lilith here is the third child.”
“And we don’t talk about the youngest,” Lilith added which prompted Camila to ask, “Why not?”
“She ran away with some white boy to be part of his world.”
“Eww.”
‘My thoughts exactly,” Lilith shuddered with disgust before Mrs Villumbrosia asked Camila, “What kind of nun were you?”
“I was part of the OCS but instead of kicking ass if you minus the time I punched a cop, I was their technician,” Camila declared proudly.
“I had no idea the OCS needed technicians.”
“They didn’t but it was either that or jail.”
“Jail?!” Mrs Villumbrosia exclaimed.
“We’re not talking about that today,” Lilith replied but Camila ignored her, “Yeah, I was involved with some criminals and I hacked the Vatican, the Pentagon and Interpol when I was 14. Forgot to properly cover my tracks so the Vatican caught me first. The Pope said that I could either join the OCS or go to jail and technically the OCS is a criminal organization so I said sure.”
“The OCS is not a criminal organization! We are dedicated to fighting demons and to serve the Warrior Nun!” Mrs Villumbrosia practically exploded.
“We beat the shit out of people, kill them sometimes and steal stuff too,”
“That’s different.”
“I think we should debate over this another day, Camila, we have those lunch reservations in 20 minutes,” Lilith tried to break the argument up but was again, ignored by the two of them.
“We kill in the name of God which means that it’s justified,” Mrs Villumbrosia argued.
“So your little money laundering scheme is also in the name of God?” Camila responded and before Lilith’s mother could react, Camila added, “I’ve just accessed all of your tax records and it’s not looking good for you. The government’s closing in on you and from what I see, you’re desperately trying to save yourself but I could make it all go away.”
“You could?”
“But only if you treat Lilith nicely. As in, no more treating her like a failure.”
“If I do so, will you make all my problems go away?”
“I’ll do you one better and help you set up a better service.”
“Deal.”
“What is happening?” Lilith wondered. One moment, Camila and her mother were at each other’s throats and now they were discussing the family business.
“So besides money laundering, what other services do you provide?” Mrs Villumbrosia asked the smaller woman, “Tax evasion, hacking, bribery, the occasional murder.”
“Would you consider working as our accountant?”
“I need a job so why not?”
“Mother, you already have an accountant,” Lilith pointed out but Camila added, “Oh he’s been stealing money from the business and Jose, your bodyguard, he’s been helping.”
At the mention of his name, Jose, who was standing by the door, tried to make a break for it but Camila easily took him down with her wrist-mounted tranquilizer gun.
Nodding her head with approval, Mrs Villumbrosia embraced Camila in a hug before declaring, “Welcome to the family!”
“That’s it?!” Lilith exclaimed before she stated, “That’s all it takes for you to welcome her to the family?!”
“Well, Camila’s an exceptional young woman, you’ve outdone yourself for the first time Lilith.”
Of course the only time her mother would praise her was for her choice of partner not for everything that she’d achieved over the years. Now, normally she’d throw a fit but seeing Camila light up upon hearing that she was now part of the family made her think twice.
So instead, she replied with, “Thank you Mother.”
“”Now, why don’t you both join me for dinner? I’ll have the chef whip up something worth celebrating.” Mrs Villumbrosia suggested.
“That sounds lovely,” Camila replied before Lilith could decline.
“Alright, Camila, let me show you around the house and Lilith, get rid of Jose and deal with my former accountant.”
Sighing heavily, Lilith knew there was a catch when her mother had praised her, “Fine.”
Walking over to the unconscious man, Lilith hauled him over her shoulder and was about to teleport away when she overheard Camila now telling her mother about Ava and the halo.
“So you’re saying that the halo chose this Ava Silva because it could sense her horny energy for Sister Beatrice?”
“Yeah.”
“What I’m hearing is that if Lilith got together with you earlier, she could’ve become the halo bearer?”
“Mother, please let it go,” Lilith whined.
“I will as part of the deal but Lilith, think about it, you could’ve been the Warrior Nun.”
“Goodbye Mother,” Lilith replied before teleporting away.
“Interesting,” Mrs Villumbrosia mused, “She can teleport but doesn't have what it takes to be the Warrior Nun.”
“And now my mother’s considering letting Camila access our family heirlooms,” Lilith added with a proud smile on her face.
“You do know that she will—” Ava was interrupted when Suzanne stood up from where she was sitting besides Jillian and announced, “Time for the speeches!”
That made Camila rush over from where she was talking to Mrs Villumbrosia, grab a mic and assume her place at the table.
“As the officiant, the organizer and the captain of this ship, I will go first,” Camila said before clearing her throat and turning to the newly married couple, “Congratulations Ava and Beatrice!”
That drew a round of applause and cheers from the audience before Camila continued, “Ava, you are one lucky woman because Beatrice is the best person in the world. And that’s not just because she’s the most useless lesbian on this planet.”
“Oh no…” Beatrice sighed which earned a snort from Lillith.
“Cam, I–” Ava was cut off when Camila shushed her, “How on earth Beatrice managed to marry you is crazy to me especially when I had to witness so many embarrassing moments of hers.”
“Camila, I think–” Beatrice was interrupted when Camila glared daggers at her, “As I was saying. Ava, you know the long scar on Bea’s right arm?”
“Yeah?”
“That wasn’t from pushing Lilith out of the way from an explosion, it was from trying to juggle five knives to impress Sister Irene.”
That made Ava gawk at her wife who face palmed herself.
“That’s only the tip of the iceberg. When I first arrived at Cat’s Cradle, I noticed how Shannon had a lingering shadow in the form of your wife. Not kidding, Beatrice imprinted on her like a baby duckling.”
“I looked up to her,” Beatrice tried to protest.
“Sure Bea,” Camila winked at her before continuing, “I have no idea how you thought no one knew you were gay, you literally came out to us.”
“I did not!”
“You did. You don’t remember the mission when you were tranquilized?” Camila asked her and Beatrice’s face paled at that memory.
“You spent an hour gushing over Sister Nicole’s love for arson.”
“That’s..wow…”Ava muttered to herself at the revelation.
“Sure Sister Nicole is an excellent tactical clown but she’s an arsonist!” Camila exclaimed to which said sister shot back, “It was only twice!”
“You burnt down two buildings!”
“No one died!”
“Not the point!”
“It was accidental!”
“I have video footage of you lighting the match!”
“The OCS has done worse and you draw the line at arson?!”
“You—”
“Camila, get to the point,” Ava cut in making Camila huff, “Fine. As I was saying, Beatrice got so clingy with Shannon that Mary thought she had competition.”
Sighing at that memory, Beatrice still remembered Mary realizing that she had no competition and that she only idolized Shannon. Needless to say Mary didn’t stop teasing her for weeks.
“Shannon and I have decided to adopt,” Mary declared to her which made her furrow her eyebrows, “Isn’t Shannon a nun?”
“Not important but it was a huge process for us and we finally did it.”
“I guess congratulations are in—”
Before she could finish her sentence, Mary dumped a document in front of her, “It’s you, sign here.”
Looking back, Beatrice wished the two of them were here to witness how far she’d come.
“---you guys should’ve seen Sister Rebacca’s face when she found out what Bea did for her,” Camila’s excited voice interrupted her thoughts. Oh right, Camila was still not done.
“And that’s how Beatrice broke her arm,” Camila stated before sitting down.
“You’re not going to embarrass me?” Ava asked her to which Camila replied, “We’ve all seen your embarrassing moments but no one except for a handful of us have witnessed Beatrice’s.”
“It’s my wedding, not a roasting session,” Beatrice said.
“Exactly, we only have today to embarrass you,” Suzanne replied and before Beatrice could protest further, Hans stood up.
Sure he didn’t know how and why Ava and Beatrice knew the Pope and their involvement with the church but the moment Camila found out that he witnessed their gayest moments during their time in the Alps, she had tracked him down and invited (forced) him to attend the wedding.
“Hi,” He awkwardly greeted everyone, “I don’t know most of you but I witnessed numerous gay moments between Ava and Beatrice which is why I’m here.”
“Really?” Ava hissed at Camila who gave her an innocent smile as Hans started his speech.
“I have witnessed too many gay disaster moments between the two but I only have a few minutes. So to start, as eloquent as Beatrice is, when Ava came to work wearing a low cut top, she couldn’t stop staring at her chest.”
“She’s doing it now,” Lilith added, sipping her tenth drink.
Blushing, Beatrice covered her face with her hands but that didn’t stop Hans. Of course he had to bring that up. But it wasn’t her fault that her brain malfunctioned the moment her eyes gazed upon Ava’s breasts.
“Beatrice, you’re drooling.”
Beatrice shot out of her daze the moment she heard Hans’s voice. Sitting upright, she wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth and forced herself to focus on doing the taxes for the bar.
But her brain and her hormones betrayed her as not a minute later, her eyes found their way back to Ava. Except this time, when she glanced at Ava, the beer tap broke, splashing the liquid all over Ava’s front.
“Oh shit fuck!” Ava cursed as Beatrice’s eyes widened. Now staring at Ava’s chest which was now more visible through the drenched top, her cheeks began to heat up and her fist instinctively clenched, snapping the pencil she was holding, in half.
Knowing that she would not last another minute, she stood up, grabbed her notebook and rushed upstairs to her makeshift office.
But of course, God decided to test her that day as the moment she sat herself down, Ava decided to head upstairs, this time without her top on.
“Bea!” Ava called out to her and Beatrice tried to avert her gaze to no avail.
“I’m gonna head back to change, can you cover for me?”
“S-Sure.”
“You’re the best Bea,” Ava replied before she disappeared back downstairs. With the image of Ava’s drenched front still firmly imprinted in her brain, Beatrice spent the next five minutes trying to rid her mind of the image.
But it failed and she forced herself to trudge downstairs only to see Hans grinning at her.
“Not a word,” She told him.
“You’re drooling,” Lilith’s voice cut into the memory and Beatrice blinked before realizing that she was blatantly staring at Ava’s chest again.
“For God’s sake, have some decency!” Lilith berated her.
“She’s my wife, I’m allowed to stare at her,” Beatrice retorted.
“Lilith, please behave,” Suzanne stated but Lilith replied, “You’re one to talk.”
“Lilith, watch your—”
“I think it’s time I told everyone how Camila, Yasmine and I found out about you and the good doctor,” Lilith retorted with a smirk.
“You three knew all along?!!” Ava shrieked, her mind reeling back to the previous night’s incident.
“Unfortunately,” Yasmine replied.
“Alright ladies, we need to get this right before the convent in Barcelona beats us to it,” Camila shouted at the top of her lungs at the group of nuns.
“But we’ve been doing this for hours,” Sister Annie complained, which made Camila shoot her a deathly look, “Do you want those stuck-ups to beat us again?”
“No but–”
“Then we’re doing this until we get this right!” Camila declared before she pressed the button on her phone’s screen and began leading the TikTok dance to Lady Gaga’s Judas.
As blasphemous as it was, Camila was determined to win the contest for number of TikTok views for this. There was no way she was going to let a bunch of non-tactical nuns defeat her again.
But halfway through the dance, Yasmine walked up to her, forcing Camila to stop the recording.
“Really Yasmine? We’ve nearly had it.”
“No you didn’t, Sister Lucy needs to wiggle her hips a bit more and Sister Susan needs to stop looking as if she wants to die,” Yasmine replied, making Camila sigh heavily before she turned to the group, “Take five and we’re getting it next time.”
Upon hearing that, the group quickly dispersed.
“Don’t you think you’re working them a bit too hard?” Yasmine asked the shorter nun who snorted, “Yasmine, once you embrace the TikTok life, there is no such thing as working too hard.”
“But—”
“I mean even Lilith gets it and—”
“Because she’s whipped for you.”
“She’s not.”
“She teleported to Thailand to get you fresh coconut because you complained that you were thirsty,” Yasmine pointed out.
“She was being nice.”
“She threatened Cardinal John because he refused to approve your patent of the new tranquilizer dart gun.”
“She didn’t threaten him, she had a short talk with him,” Camila retorted to which Yasmine responded with, “He transferred to the church in Ontario the next day and why do you need a pocket tranquilizer gun with snake venom in the darts?”
“For stealth attacks,” Camila said as if it was obvious.
“But you don’t need snake venom in the darts.”
“If Sister Katherine can have her trick arrows, I can have my trick darts.” Camila replied.
“But–”
“I’ve argued with Beatrice before and I can do this all day but I would rather record my TikTok, so what do you want?” Camila demanded.
“I need to talk to Mother Superion but she’s not in her office and not in her quarters either. And since you’re her favourite, you might know where she is.”
“I’m not her favourite.”
“She lets you get away with everything.”
“She does not!”
“She does!”
“She does not!”
“She–”
“What’s going on?” Lilith, in her full winged glory descended upon the two.
“Camila insists that she’s not Mother Superion’s favorite,” Yasmine said and Camila shot back, “Just because she let me take the van on a heist does not mean I’m her favourite.”
“That’s literally what I was saying!”
Unwilling to deal with the bickering nuns, Lilith moved to fly away when Yasmine stopped her, “Do you know where Mother Superion is?”
“How should I know?”
“I overheard her talking to Dr Salvius over the phone and she mentioned something about the lab,” Sister Nicole piped up.
“I’ll get her,” Lilith replied and before Camila could say anything, Lilith teleported away.
“Oh no…” Camila squeaked, making Yasmine’s eyebrows furrow, “What’s wrong?”
Before Camila could answer, the sound of electricity in the air was heard followed by a loud demonic shriek that echoed throughout the courtyard of Cat’s Cradle.
“MY EYES!!!!!”
“Lilith, what happened? Is Mother Superion–” Yasmine was cut off when Lilith made a mad dash towards the basin of Holy Water and dunked her entire head in. When she resurfaced, she teleported away and reappeared seconds later with an entire crate full of wine.
“Lilith, what’s going on?” Yasmine asked again.
In response, Lilith grabbed a bottle from the crate, used her claws to remove the top and downed the red liquid in seconds. Doing the same with the next three, Yasmine could only stare as the former sister warrior chugged entire bottles of alcohol. And once she seemed tipsy enough, Yasmine asked again, “What was Mother Superion doing?”
“Jillian,” Lilith replied before she shuddered with disgust and drank another bottle.
“What?!”
“You heard me.”
“But–”
“NO! We are not talking about it,” Lilith shot back before she teleported away. Shocked by the news, Yasmine tried to comprehend what she’d heard when she noticed that Camila was too quiet.
Focusing her gaze on the other nun, Camila was trying to sneak away but Yasmine ran after her, grabbing a bible from one of the sisters and hurled it at her head.
“That’s blasphemy!” Camila yelled.
“You knew!!!”
“Stop chasing me!!”
“Then stop running!!!”
…
“Become a sister warrior they said, fight with the warrior nun they said…” Yasmine mumbled under her breath as she, Camila and Lilith sat in Mother Superion’s office with the former halo-bearer also seated behind her desk.
After throwing numerous bibles at Camila, Yasmine had finally caught up with her and demanded an explanation. Needless to say, Yasmine regretted leaving her Order. Who knew the OCS was the Catholic version of Love Island?
“Mother, why?” Lilith exclaimed, making Suzanne roll her eyes, “Stop being so dramatic Lilith, you’ve seen worse.”
“I may have seen death and destruction but that doesn’t mean I wanted to see that! There were bottles of lube!! Bottles!!”
“What Jillian and I do in the bedroom is none of your business and frankly I’m surprised you’re shocked by all of this, aren’t you and Camila in a relationship?”
“What?!” Camila and Lilith shrieked at the same time.
“Please, you two give each other lovesick stares and Lilith, don’t act like you’re not smitten, you bought Camila an island because she wanted a quiet place to relax.” Suzanne pointed out.
“This isn’t about us, this is about you and Jillian!” Camila shot back before Yasmine said, “How long has this been going on?”
“How long has Ava left us?”
“Two months.”
“Two months,” Suzanne replied to Yasmine who threw her hands up in the air, “You’re a nun! Isn’t abstinence from sex one of the vows?”
That made Lilith snort, “Please, you should’ve seen Mary and Shannon. Those two couldn’t keep their hands off each other. And you’ve seen Ava and Beatrice, those two were worse.”
“Oh yeah.”
“How is it that I was the one who planted the seeds of their relationship and you witnessed the kiss?” Camila whined, which made Yasmine smirk, “It was God’s will.”
“Will it be God’s will when I kick your ass back to Egypt?”
“Going back to the Old Testament I see, well I can—”
“Camila, Yasmine enough!” Suzanne cut in with a frustrated tone. Sighing heavily, she closed her eyes for a few moments before addressing the three, “Lilith, I apologize for what you saw but you should’ve knocked. Yasmine, this isn’t the 15th Century, grow up and Camila, you said no one would find out.”
“Well maybe if you weren’t sexting your girlfriend, then no one would’ve,” Yasmine muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Hold on, Camila knew this whole time?” Lilith asked before she looked at the shorter nun who smiled sheepishly, “I might’ve given a few date ideas.”
“Is this why you clock out everyday at 6pm?” Lilith turned to Suzanne who sighed again,”Yes and Jillian wants her wine back.”
“You traumatized me, I deserve compensation,” Lilith replied.
“Kissing Adriel didn’t traumatize you but Mother Superion and Jillian doing the horizontal wango tango did?” Yasmine wondered.
“Horizontal wango-tango? What are you, 90?” Camila stated before she added, “We agreed to never speak about that incident with Walmart Jesus.”
“What Cam said,” Lilith agreed, making Camila say, “And you’re one to talk, we ordered ten brand new mission vans and you destroyed all them with your driving!”
“I let Jesus take the wheel, so blame him for that.”
“Jesus didn’t lead the cops on a high speed car chase!”
“Wow,” Was all Beatrice could muster after hearing Lilith’s dramatic retelling of the most traumatic moment of her life and that was coming from someone who had been impaled by a Tarask, teleported to Reya’s realm, kissed Adriel and grew wings.
“So anyways, where was I?” Hans tried to steer everyone’s attention back to his story of how Beatrice sprained her wrist after Ava showed up to work wearing booty shorts.
“We get it, Beatrice is a mega simp for Ava, is it my turn?” Suzanne inquired.
“Simp?” Ava’s eyes widened, “Who are you and what have you done to my mother?”
“I believe Jillian can answer the second question,” Yasmine snickered, which earned her a glare from the two women.
“I guess I'm done,” Hans mumbled to himself as Suzanne stood up to begin her speech. Turning to Ava, she began, “Although I’ve only known Ava for a few years, she has managed to decrease my lifespan by a few years.”
“Hey!”
“Shush child.”
Pouting, Ava sat back with her arms crossed as Suzanne continued, “Ava may be a huge pain in my ass and the reason for my alcoholism but above all that, she is a hero. She may be reckless, stubborn and impulsive but those are her greatest strengths. The halo chose her for that very reason and that made her God’s champion.”
“Did Ava win some sort of trophy?” Hans whispered to Yasmine.
“Sure, let’s go with that,” Yasmine replied unconvincingly, which did not settle the multiple questions forming in Hans’s mind.
“Ava fought heaven and hell to reunite with the love of her life which also destroyed my favorite vineyard but I digress. Ava and Beatrice are fated to be together and I wish the both of you all the best for your future.”
“That was…sweet?” Beatrice asked her wife who was tearing up. Then before Suzanne could sit back down, Ava rushed over to her and tackled her in a hug. When Ava eventually let her go and sat back down, Suzanne turned to Beatrice and for some reason, the former nun gulped.
“I’ve known Beatrice far longer than the rest of my girls. Her resume was extraordinary but what really impressed me was her dedication and determination. She may not have been a legacy sister warrior but she showed more promise than anyone I’d dealt with. So imagine my surprise when she came to me for the talk. As all of you know, nuns are celibate and this was uncharted territory for me.”
“You didn’t!” Camila exclaimed, jaw agape but all Beatrice could do was slam her face onto the table.
She’d forgotten that incident but Suzanne clearly hadn’t.
“Mother Superion, may I have a word with you?” 18 year old baby-faced Beatrice asked, standing at the entrance of the office.
Sighing, Suzanne had hoped that that day would never come but God had other plans for her. And if said plans involved putting her through this, she had to endure it.
“Of course Sister Beatrice,” She replied and the younger nun walked into her office, closing the door behind her.
“What is it?” Suzanne asked even though she clearly knew what it was about.
“It’s regarding Sister Anne and—”
“I have to stop you there Sister Beatrice,” Suzanne held her hand up, “I know about your infatuation for Sister Anne and while I do not have a problem with it, I feel that I need to remind you about your vows.”
“Mother Superion, I do not–”
“Just because your parents do not approve does not mean that I agree with them. In fact, between you and me, the Pope and his cardinals are a bit too secretive about what goes on during their late night meetings,” Suzanne winked the last bit to Beatrice who was now stunned into silence.
“M-Mother, you have this all wrong, I—”
“Do not try to lie to me Sister Beatrice, I’ve seen how you stare at Sister Anne for hours and how you’ve imprinted on Sister Shannon,” Suzanne waved her off, “I know you must be tempted by them but you are a sister warrior.”
Then before Beatrice could splutter her defense, Suzanne grabbed a small remote from her desk and pointed it at the wall-mounted monitor, “Now, I wish I had more time to polish this up but I’ve been extremely busy.”
Clearing her throat, she began, “You must be confused as to why the rules do not apply to Mary and Shannon and to clarify, Mary did not take her vows and Shannon is the Warrior Nun. She’s done so much for the Order that God has pardoned her. Now, I fully understand most of the training involves a lot of bodily contact and even the best of us have been tempted but our duty comes first.”
“I know that but—”
“Every now and then, you might be tempted to indulge in those desires especially during Easter and you get drunk with your fellow sister warriors and the next thing you know, you’re making out with them on the beach at 2am,” Suzanne added which was way too specific.
“But as I said, you are a nun now and that means sex is off the table. God will understand if you reach second base but third base is off limits,” Suzanne said, “And if you ever get lucky and get to second base, please keep it to your room, some of our new recruits have been traumatized and I do not want a repeat of the confessional booth incident.”
“Yes, Mother Superion,” Beatrice resigned herself to her fate and for the next hour, she was forced to listen to Suzanne give her the “No sex” sex talk. And by the end of it, she was certain that she would never, ever have sex.
“Well, Mother does have a way with words,” Camila remarked with a sip of her pink cocktail.
“It’s better than the sex talk my mother gave me,” Lilith added.
“I’m just glad you got over it,” Ava told her wife who had now resorted to pouring alcohol down her throat.
“Woah slow down, we do not need a repeat of last night,” Ava pried the glass away from Beatrice but it was too late as she was already on her fourth drink and was starting to speak Finnish.
“And I believe it is my turn now,” Yasmine announced, standing up with a glass of Rose in her hand
“As most of you know, Beatrice would face hell to protect Ava which she did. And she’s also murdered more people than Lilith to ensure Ava’s safety. That sounds like the work of a psychopath but would a psychopath be called Boo Boo?”
Almost at once, Beatrice’s face paled and she tried to slide down her seat to hide but Lilith pulled her back up. Oh how she regretted letting Camila be in charge of the speeches.
The story of how her family found out about that pet name had been humiliating. It happened two months ago, when all of them had decided to take a day trip to Barcelona. Yasmine had been driving as she could get them there in 2 hours. Her exact words were, “Google Maps said 8 hours but I can get us there in 4 tops.”
They’d even stopped for gas. Needless to say, the Pope was not happy about having to explain why a nun was trying to reenact fast and furious. Ten minutes into the ride, Ava started hurling into a bag, Suzanne started to get herself blackout drunk, Beatrice clung tightly onto Ava, Camila started to yell profanities at Yasmine and Lilith would have teleported away if Camila hadn’t insisted that she stay.
That was even before they got onto the highway.
And it was a good thing they hadn’t made it there yet as Beatrice who’d decided to lean against the door of the van, suddenly tumbled out and Ava yelled “BOO BOO!!”
No one knew why the door was unlocked and Beatrice had sustained a few scrapes. She could heal from those wounds but not from the fact that her family now knew Ava’s pet name for her.
And now, with that humiliating memory brought back up, she knew that she would never ever live this down.
“It could be worse,” Lilith commented, sipping from her tenth glass of champagne.
“How?” Beatrice asked, exasperated.
“They could find out about the pinnacle of your drunkenness scale,” Lilith replied as Yasmine finished retelling that incident.
“Please don’t tell our guests that,” Beatrice begged Lilith who chugged down the alcohol before standing up to give her speech.
“I won’t.” She said before smirking evilly, “I have something far worse.”
“Lilith—-“
“Greetings,” Lilith started, slightly tipsy from all the alcohol but still coherent, “I’ve known Beatrice for a very long time, since we were children and when I first met her, I did not like her.”
“Of course you didn’t,” Ava remarked.
“I thought Beatrice was a pretentious snob, always trying to be perfect but when I finally got to know her, I realized that she was just trying to seek validation from her parents who aren’t even here because they’re assholes. Hell, even my mother showed up and we didn’t invite her,” Lilith said.
“I came for the free lobster,” Mrs Villaumbrosia piped up.
Ignoring her mother, Lilith continued, “Beatrice, your parents are idiots for not seeing what their daughter has become. They should be proud that you’ve grown into yourself even if you did make some questionable choices during your time in Catholic Boarding School. Speaking of which, Ava, do you know the story behind the small lightning bolt tattoo on Beatrice’s pelvic bone?”
“She said it’s to cover a scar,” Ava replied making Lilith snort, “Of course she did. And you didn’t wonder why she didn’t get tattoos to cover the other scars she has?”
“Lilith, you promised,” Beatrice gritted out but was ignored, “This is the only time I’ll get to tell this story.”
“Bea, what is she talking about?” Ava asked Beatrice who really wished that Reya had killed her during the Holy War. It might’ve been better sitting through this.
“Ava, did you really think Beatrice was that prim and proper during her time in that school?” Lilith questioned.
“Yeah?”
“Well, throw away all those stories of how well behaved Beatrice was because she got that lightning bolt tattoo to impress one of the senior girls.”
“No fucking way!” Ava exclaimed while Beatrice started to slowly slide down her seat.
“Why would I lie to you? I was there when she lied to that girl whom I might add, was way out of her league. And I was there when she got the tattoo.”
“Lilith, I’m begging, stop talking,” Beatrice pleaded.
“Nope.”
Groaning as Lilith continued the story, Beatrice regretted ever befriending Lilith. She’d only lied to make herself seem cool to Natasha who was the Captain of the Cross Country team and in the year above Beatrice and Lilith.
“So Beatrice, why are you here?” Natasha had asked her and before 16 year old Beatrice could reply with, “To serve God and not be a disappointment to my parents,” Lilith who sat across from her, kicked her shin from under the table, stopping her.
“I did something that they didn’t approve of,” She replied which made Natasha snort, “Tell me about it, I’m only here cause I got this tattoo.”
Pulling down the collar of her shirt, Natasha revealed a snake across her right collarbone. And for whatever reason, Beatrice decided to blurt out, “I’m here because I have a tattoo too.”
“You do? Where?” Natasha asked, now intrigued while Lilith was shaking her head and mouthing “No,” to her. But instead of stopping, she continued, “Yeah, got it after my 13th birthday from a friend and I would like to show you but it’s on my pelvic bone.”
“Damn, that’s badass,” Natasha smirked before she shrugged, “Well, I’m free next Friday night, maybe you could show it to me then?”
Immediately Beatrice’s brain short-circuited while Lilith face palmed herself. And before Beatrice could say something, Natasha excused herself, “I have to head to Physics, see you two later.”
Once the older girl was gone, Lilith simply asked, “So, what design are you thinking of getting?”
That was how, two days later, Beatrice found herself in a seedy tattoo parlour, lying on her side on an uncomfortable leather chair while a man who looked high, tattooed a small lightning bolt on her.
“I still can’t believe you said that,” Lilith stated, watching from one of the stools.
“What else was I going to say?” Beatrice retorted.
“Not that? You could’ve told her that you were sent here because you’re royalty.”
“I am not royalty.”
“Sure and I am not a legacy nun.”
“It was the worse thing Beatrice has ever done to get a girl’s attention but what’s even better is that Natasha was transferred out before Beatrice could show her the tattoo,” Lilith cackled.
“I can’t believe you lied to me about it,” Ava accused her wife but before Beatrice could defend herself, Lilith interrupted, “And that’s not the only thing Beatrice has done to impress her crush. Have I told you about the time she flew Sister Annika to Paris and booked out the Lourve for the entire day because Sister Annika wanted to admire the Venus De Milo up close?”
“I hate you so much,” Beatrice told Lilith as Ava narrowed her eyes at her, “You didn’t do that for me.”
“I brought you to the Vatican Museum,” Beatrice shot back before adding, “I rented out the entire place for us.”
“I’d have appreciated if you two hadn’t desecrated Raphael’s rooms,” The Pope commented.
We saved the world!” Ava retorted to which the Pope had no comeback reply.
So for the rest of the afternoon, Beatrice was forced to listen to Lilith recount every single one of her most embarrassing moments during childhood and boarding school. But it didn’t even end when she and Ava were on their honeymoon.
Apparently Ava found the story of how she acquired the lightning bolt tattoo hilarious and because she’d developed a love for Harry Potter (JK Rowling sucked but the films were decent), now every time Ava went down on her, she would imitate Voldermort’s voice and say, “The girl who lives, has come to dine.”
Yeah, Beatrice was never ever going to live that down.