Chapter Text
Eating didn’t always come easily to Kaveh. It hadn’t for years. He didn’t know the exact cause. He hated his body and needed to appear perfect, so he had to lose weight. He hated himself to the core and needed to make himself suffer, so he used it as a form of self harm. He felt anxious and embarrassed when people saw him eat, or knew that he had eaten, so he tried to avoid it. He needed something he could control, so he counted his calories and restricted what went past his lips.
And it wasn’t a secret anymore, but he liked to pretend that no one knew.
Tighnari had been the first to catch on, his concern piqued when Kaveh’s weight dropped drastically within a few months time. He never explicitly said that he knew that Kaveh was starving himself, but he always began conversations with: “Have you eaten?”
Kaveh knew he knew.
When Kaveh had dipped into being noticeably underweight, Alhaitham couldn’t be a silent bystander any longer and he directly asked him one day: “Are you starving yourself?”
Kaveh denied it, obviously, but his words held about as much weight as he had on his bones--very little. Alhaitham then started regularly checking in with Kaveh, asking if he’d eaten yet.
It was around that time when Cyno seemed to pick up on his lack of eating as well, and would often stop by with containers of treats and snacks, saying: “They’re from Collei, so you better eat them or she’ll be sad.”
However, when Kaveh passed out on his way home from the Grand Bazaar, it seemed that everybody in Sumeru knew. The Light of Kshahrewar had an eating disorder that was slowly killing him.
After that, Kaveh found it harder and harder to starve himself in peace. Everybody around him, hyper aware of his eating habits, was constantly pressuring him to eat more.
“Kaveh, have you eaten anything yet today?” Alhaitham asked, pushing open Kaveh’s door after a polite knock.
Kaveh jumped in surprise, sitting up on his bed and felt a pang of embarrassment slam his gut. He had just been laying in bed trying to warm his shivering body up, but it felt like he’d been caught doing something less than appropriate.
“I had a zaytun peach and some of the babka Cyno brought,” he lied. The only things that had passed his lips that day had been coffee and water so far.
Alhaitham’s face showed that he didn’t believe him.
“That isn’t enough even for a toddler. Come out and have something to eat. Unless you wish to continue being a baby?”
“I’m not a baby,” Kaveh responded haughtily. “What did you eat today, then?”
Alhaitham listed off two proper meals and a midday snack, folding his arms.
Kaveh grumbled under his breath and slid off his bed, a blanket still tightly wrapped around his shoulders. He swayed dangerously as he stood, his vision plunging into darkness. He shot out an arm to catch himself on something, and felt it hit Alhaitham’s chest as he stepped forward to steady him.
“I’m fine,” Kaveh murmured, blinking rapidly. The world was still spinning and threatening to uproot him. For a moment, his legs went numb and he faltered. He felt himself get pushed back down to sit on his bed.
“You’re not a good liar,” Alhaitham’s voice said. “When’s the last time you actually ate?”
Kaveh grabbed his head as his vision slowly faded back. “I don’t know. I can’t remember,” he whispered. “Yesterday morning, maybe? I had… I had those scrambled eggs. You saw me eat them.”
“You need to eat ,” Alhaitham said. “Do you think you can stand? Or should I bring you something to your room?”
“I’m fine. I can stand fine,” he said defensively, pushing himself back to his feet. This time, his vision remained the same and he didn’t sway. He shot Alhaitham a childish look, squinting his eyes slightly and shaking his head at him. “You’re just getting me up so that I can make you dinner. And you’re the one calling me the baby. Hah.”
Alhaitham trailed after him to the kitchen. While it wasn’t true that he’d only gotten Kaveh up to make dinner, he himself hadn’t exactly made anything. So, as usual, Kaveh went about preparing some food. Despite how often he cooked, and how much he quite enjoyed cooking it seemed, Alhaitham had rarely seen him eat what he made.
He watched Kaveh while he cooked, seeing Kaveh check the labels carefully before adding each ingredient.
“Is counting calories the only math you’re able to do?” he commented wryly.
“I can do math just fine!” Kaveh huffed, his cheeks heating up with embarrassment at being caught. “I’m just checking the serving sizes.”
“The serving size should be two, unless of course, you’ve decided to continue depriving your body of its basic needs?”
Kaveh sighed angrily, turning to glare at him. “Talking as if you know anything. Who knew the Grand Sage was so dense?”
“Acting,” Alhaitham added.
“What?”
“Acting Grand Sage. I do not intend on staying in that position forever.”
“Fine, whatever,” Kaveh snapped, turning back to the stove. Then quietly, under his breath, but not so quiet it didn’t reach Alhaitham’s ears, he said, “It’s not like I’m not hungry.”
Kaveh shivered violently, his arms and hands trembling as if he’d been electrocuted. He closed his eyes, willing his muscles to stop their tremoring, his hand holding the soup ladle hovering above the pot. He heard Alhaitham sigh behind him.
“I’ll stir the soup. Go make some tea and put on a sweater or something,” he said, getting to his feet.
He didn’t particularly like soup, but he figured if Kaveh had decided to make it, it meant he intended on partaking in some. Perhaps he could have Kaveh warm up some naan as well.
Kaveh passed the ladle over to him and disappeared, reappearing a moment later wearing a thick sweater, much, much too large for him. He filled the kettle with water and set it on a separate burner, grabbing a mug and tea bag with shaking hands.
“It’s not healthy to withhold nutrients from your body,” Alhaitham said. It wasn’t what he really wanted to say. He really wanted to ask why Kaveh starved himself, but he worried that would lead to an uncomfortable conversation.
“Don’t you think I know that?” Kaveh snapped harshly. “It’s not like I enjoy losing hair and being cold and feeling on the verge of passing out all the time.”
Alhaitham looked at him. “You’re losing hair?”
Kaveh looked away, hugging his body. “Yeah, a bit,” he shrugged awkwardly.
“I see,” Alhaitham said, stirring the soup a few times. “You should make some naan. It will go well with the soup.”
Kaveh stared at him, not moving. He swallowed and then firmly stated, “I won’t eat it.”
“Okay, well, I will,” Alhaitham said. He stared at the soup, then added, “Calories won’t kill you. You can afford the calories in naan after not eating for almost two days.”
Kaveh didn’t say anything, just silently pulled out the bag of pre-made naan to heat up in a pan. Again, Alhaitham didn’t miss his fingers lingering on the nutrition information, his eyes no doubt anxiously staring at the calories.
They didn’t speak until the food was plated and they sat down to eat. Kaveh poured them both some wine before hesitantly sitting down on his side of the table. Normally, Alhaitham would read while he ate, but with soup, he left his book safely on the edge of the table.
It took Kaveh a little while to properly start eating. He started with a few small sips of the soup and then a small nibble at the naan, but after a few tastes of the food, he began to eat properly, dipping chunks of the naan in his soup and swallowing spoonfuls of it in between.
Alhaitham didn’t comment on how quickly he was eating, just glad that he was . Kaveh started talking about his current project, entirely forgetting about the food he was eating as he spoke and sipped wine. Alhaitham listened. When he finished his own soup, he grabbed his book and flipped it open. But he still listened, and even if Kaveh didn’t know that, he wasn’t deterred and continued talking.
Alhaitham wondered if it would be appropriate to mention how less irritable he was when he actually had food in his stomach. He decided against it. He knew Kaveh wasn’t stupid. He likely knew how irritable he was when starving himself of the most basic of needs.
Kaveh was in a far better mood the rest of the evening.
Eating didn’t always come easily to Kaveh. It hadn’t for years. He didn’t know the exact cause. But he knew that if he kept his calorie intake below 1000 that he was safe. He knew that the best time to weigh himself was first thing in the morning, after peeing, and he knew that water weight was a bitch. He knew that if he walked for half an hour, he could burn approximately 100 calories. He knew that caffeine was an appetite suppressant and that he should never drink his calories.
He knew a lot of things, but he didn’t know why he did these things or when exactly it had started. He didn’t know how to fix himself.
He knew a lot of things, but his knowledge harmed, rather than helped, him.