Work Text:
He sees the sun's rays, illuminating a rose, in the vase of his table, he sees it withering away, devoid of the dew, of its bush, of its thorns.
Anthony can't stop himself from thinking about how all it was then, how all it is now, and of what could have been.
If only he…
Anthony thinks about everything and nothing. About her being out of his sight, out of his reach... About him not being part of her history anymore, about everything he doesn't know about her, and that he'll never know... That he'll have to settle for little glimpses of her throughout the time.
That was his only consolation… at least he could keep her amber eyes in his life.
“I see you are not one for losing.” Kate had pointed out to him at their first meeting.
He was wrong.
He thought he had realized his mistake in the instant when he proposed to the sister of the woman he loves.
But, he loved her.. He couldn't marry her, and leave her, as his father had left his mother. And, he couldn’t continue to love her… Not at marrying her sister… He is a gentleman after all.
“You are toying with the emotions of an impressionable young lady.” Kate had warned him.
He was wrong.
When Kate stopped talking to him after he said that they were an unthinkable fate, he thought that he had realized the extent of his mistake, but, he was wrong.
So, so wrong.
“I just want for you to make her happy… Can you make her happy?” Kate had confessed to him, in a heartfelt manner.
He shouldn't have signed that damn marriage contract... But, she had spoken to him again, even if it was only to explain that the dowry would come from the Sheffields, which Edwina didn't know, because she wanted for her sister to marry for love. Since they 'loved each other', and she had chosen him, as he had chosen her…
“There is nothing more to be said between us.” Kate had informed him, coldly, her eyes mirroring the contempt in her voice.
He had seen her gaze stray from his once again, turning towards the Earl Wentworth instead, and if he ended his engagement, he would not have her in his life at all, besides, no one would be his Kate, so… any one would do, so he had signed it.
And after that... there was no turning back... not without bringing disgrace to both of their families.
“What.. what are you doing?” Kate had asked him... and the way she'd been surprised by his approach, had sting almost as much as the fight they've just had.
He was wrong… Just… so wrong. It wasn't the fact that she wasn't looking at him, hiding her eyes from him, that she wasn't speaking to him, hiding her voice from him, that she was diverging her attentions, focusing on the Earl instead, forcing her absence on him…. She didn't even spend time with her sister, she wasn't even involved with their wedding arrangements.
He knows that if she harbored even a spark of what he felt for her, it was wrong to expect her to take care of that too, not to mention.. whether with her going back to India, or... marrying the Earl, she would have her own life, and Miss Edwina would have to live on her own, but… she was always taking care of her sister… he didn't understand…
Anthony thought that then he'd begin to really understand the extent of his error, but no...
“Happiness it’s not your strength. Exasperation, perhaps. Fixation, most definitely. The only feeling you are capable of… In fact.. it's of discontent!” Kate had told him, reproaching him for continuing to play with her sister's feelings.
But, with each new day, with each new glimpse of what they could have been, he understood a little more.
He couldn't stop thinking about her, his thoughts were wherever she was, the Earl's proposal to Kate... so quick, so sure, it had taken the glimmer out of his marriage, but his eyes weren't overflowing with pain because of it, no, he felt a tear run from his eyes and wet his skin because his world had been destroyed when the Earl had taken her from him.
He'd stolen his breath when he'd taken her away from him... Anthony was still hers, even when he'd married her sister... Fuck... He sworn he wouldn't still have feelings for her once he proposed, when he married, but... He was wrong…
“I've never met a man as brazenly presumptuous as you!” She exclaimed, with sparks of hatred in her gaze.
Miss Edwina… just Edwina now, Anthony must remind himself of… She had feelings for him… He had been so wrapped up in Kate, so determined to prove her wrong at first, then… he wanted her approval so badly, and afterwards… He had been so frightened by the love she had awakened within him, that he proposed so rightly… he was so sure that this would solve everything…
That he would feel different, that she would feel different, that this was the best way to go ahead with his plans and still keep her in his life, that he… was ashamed to realize… to understand that he hadn't even paid attention to… Edwina.. he doesn't know who he'd married with...
Anthony had placed a stranger inside his home, as his family….
He saw that she, like him, had worn a mask throughout the courtship, a mask she had more and more difficulty at keeping, at every night that he didn't visit her bed chambers, but... he couldn't.
His nights stretch out, and he is accompanied only by silence. Not even the moon was his companion anymore….
Looking up at the sky, and seeing the moon all alone, only sharpened his loneliness.
“I am grateful for you being so generous, and taking care of us now, Lord Bridgerton… I must confess that when I’ve lost my husband… I let Kathani bear all the responsibilities for our family.” Lady Mary had told him, when he informed her of the house he had rented for her to live in, near the Bridgerton house.
She went on to talk about how glad she was that Kate was staying, that Kate was happy now… But, Anthony's thoughts were lost… Kathani?! Was that her name…?
Another glimpse of her… he did not even knew the name of the woman he loves.. How was it possible? How was it possible that Lady Mary had not fought to keep her in England? But… Anthony hadn't fought for her as well… guilt gnaws within him, and he tries to smile, to turn his attention back to Lady Mary, but he can't…. My God… how wrong had he really been?
He thought he understood, when guilt got the best of him, on the night when he got drunk and went to Edwina's bedroom.
Anthony couldn't look her in the face, he could barely kiss her...
He thought that he understood, when he tried to bed his new wife… Has she always been this young?
When he can see a glimpse of Kate on the curve of her locks, but… they are of the wrong shade, her almond eyes don't have the same wit and… he just can't bed her.
It had taken him so many nights.. so many cups, and yet his mind deceives him in that small glimpse he has of Kate, getting lost in the fantasy of what it would be like to be enveloped by her warmth, by her scent of lilies, instead of roses.
And, he collapses against Edwina's neck, unable to go further, in tears, crying out for Kate.
He understands his mistake in his wife's gaze… Fuck.. He had spoken her name aloud… Fuck… Anthony wakes up not only in a new day, but in a new world, with a new wife…
He was no longer in front of a young woman…. and now, he had a wife who suffered with him alive.
Her smiles are forced, her eyes are empty…. He had broken her heart, stolen her dreams… What had he done?
“You did something, didn't you? That's why Kate didn't approve you... I can understand you coming after me, once she's rejected you, to rub my attraction to you in her face, but why... why did you marry me?" She asked him, in a burst of anger, when she invaded his study.
“Because she hates me and I had to keep her in my life somehow…” Anthony couldn't stop himself from confessing.
He had stolen her innocence there, he had alienated the sisters, if Edwina resented her for what he feels for Kate, or if she was ashamed that she was living a life that Kate had warned her about, at seeing him for the first time, Anthony didn't know.
But, his punishment was to see Kate even less.
Now it was just him and his lamplight, the sound of his pen scraping against paper, and his thoughts, that would not let his mind find emptiness.
He missed everything he hadn't lived with Kate.
He missed Kate…. His heart echoed her name, his thoughts were with her… in all of his hours.
He just managed to wallow in his duties… his family didn't get along with Edwina… Edwina didn't get along with them… How had he not noticed that? How could he not asked them…?
All these years... He couldn't help but create this resentment inside him, because of the restricted freedom of his life, when his father left... He had been hurt by his family, because they didn't offer to help, because they didn't care, because they didn't understand, but… only now he does realize that he had done the same and it embarrassed him.
“I pity you brother you make all these decisions for us, only to resent us for it.” Daphne had told him, on his wedding day, trying to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life.
Edwina recoiling ends up bringing Kate's presence into his life, even if momentarily…. The invitation to a picnic on the margins of the Serpentine was accepted with mixed reactions.
When Kate greets them, and is met with an elusive Edwina, Anthony has to fight the instinct to flinch, at the awkward interaction.
But, it makes her look at him again…. He'd thought Kate had hated him before, God… how wrong he was.
The picnic is an ordeal…
Seeing her fall in love with another… Seeing her look at someone with love, gives him a glimpse of how she would be in love with him… Would she look at him this way too, or would her gaze have more heat and warmth?
He tries to let his mind take him to a world where they would be together, where...
But, her laughter pulls him back to reality….
She had laughed with him only once, since he had known her…. With the Earl... Kate laughed the whole time at his side... Anthony tries to tell himself that at the end of the day she is happy, that this is all that mattered.
In the days leading up to her engagement party, he tries to comfort himself by saying that even if they were happy, they wouldn't have that spark that existed between him and Kate. That they would never share of the same passion, but comfort fades away like smoke in the wind...
His error deepens when he finds them entangled in a maze, at her engagement ball...
The way the Earl looked at her, hugged her, the way Kate kissed him, pulled him against her. The fire... ignited in their gazes, spread out in their moans...
“I love you… Aaron.” He's heard Kate speak, ardently, to the Earl, and it tores him apart.
Watching her getting married... watching her embark on her honeymoon…
Anthony was left with nothing, but the consequences of his mistakes.
His pain.
His loneliness.
Life passed him by in a blur.
“I love you… Aaron.” He's heard Kate speak, ardently, to the Earl.
She used to be drawn to Anthony as soon as he entered the room, just like him to her. But now, she was lost, in the sway of the Earl's hips, who moaned in response how much he loved her also, again and again...
And, Anthony knows that he would be like this, a devotee to his goddess, praising her from night to dawn, shedding reverence over her body, lavishing it with his love, with his devotion.
He stays there, prostrated… long after they are gone, lost in the echo of their joy and laughter, the leaves piling at his feet…
The memories plagued him, and when Kate returned pregnant from her honeymoon….
Her glee had stunned him in place, and he didn't seem to be the only one impacted by the stark change she exhibited, if the gasp, whether from Edwina or Lady Mary, that he'd heard to his right, was indicative of something.
She glowed, even the stiffness of their interactions couldn't seem to touch her joy.
She beamed at every word, at every gesture, at every step, and Anthony is hanging in each one of them.. As the Earl.
The Earl worships her glory, he makes her laugh, and Anthony wonders what he knows of her, beyond the glimpses that Anthony can get?
What was like to be the man who she is married with, whose child is in her womb, instead of only in a daydream?
He wants to get irritated, he wants to complain about how she can fall for another, if the mere of thought of him falling for someone else's touch… But, he can't… It goes beyond that he doesn't have the right, the truth is that he couldn't deny her, or get mad at her...
He wants to laugh, but it's the tears what escapes from him instead... How could he not realized that the anger he once felt was at himself and not her?
Never her...
Does the fire that existed between them turned into ashes now?
He asks himself what he is to her today… a glimpse of what they could have been, a memory, a wisp of smoke… or not even that.
They go to their country home to have the baby, and Anthony rarely sees Kate anymore.
Time passes by him like a blink of an eye.
Seeing Edwina spend more and more time with Lady Mary. His mother, and Hyacinth with Lady Danbury…. Gregory going to Eton, Colin embarking on trip after trip, Benedict and Francesca getting married, he going to live in the country, and she in Scotland... Seeing Eloise seek a life for herself that could satisfy her... Seeing Daphne increasingly more involved with her own family...
He might have had a family of his own now, but Anthony thought he was fighting for the family he had... Where were they now?
Living their lives… And him?
Good God… How foolish….
“I love you… Aaron.” He's heard Kate speak, ardently, to the Earl.
Wandering in the streets, seeing his shadow against the pavement… he thought that he was unhappy then…. How foolish he was…. He'd had everything within his reach, and he had thrown it all away... Anthony only had his eerie to comfort him... He didn't even have memories.
He has his marriage of duty, and God, Edwina abides to it… And he wishes she didn't… Now it's not just him who has to be in his cups to endure the lives they lead, so does she…
Fool... What guarantee did he have, that his wife would not fall in love? That she would have children? That those children would not resent him for imposing his absence on them, even before he left? He was foolish to imagine that he would be the first to leave... That everyone would be like his mother.
He knows that Kate would have taken the weight off of his shoulders, that with Kate, it wouldn't have mattered, that the rain was just a sign of a future rainbow.
“I love you… Aaron.” He's heard Kate speak, ardently, to the Earl.
The news of the Earl's death comes as a blow to Anthony...
No... it couldn't be!
Everything he had done was so that Kate would not have to live such a fate….
Anthony understands… he understands then, that… he didn't understand the extent of his mistakes, of his assumptions… of what he could control, plan, feel… how others would feel or react.
But, why? Why did he have to understand it through Kate?
She had already lost her mother, her father, she had dedicated her life to a sister and a stepmother who took her for granted, she had seen him dishonor her and propose to another, in front of her… When she finally found happiness….
What crushes Anthony the most is her lack of tears… It's the way she stays strong.
Fool… Fool… Fool!
A fucking fool!
Of course Kate wouldn't succumb like his mother.. How could he not have seen it? How didn't he…?
She doesn't even trust Lady Mary or Edwina… Anthony doesn't know if the years have made her realize her worth, and how little they all had valued her.
It wasn’t worth it… loosing her to his fears.
And now…
He sees the years transforming her into one of the most influential people of the Ton, transforming the Wentworth estate into one of the most prosperous estates in England.
He sees her stand on her own, and bitterness eats him... as his regret eats him alive.
He knows that nothing, no one would make it worth it loosing her.
When the Earl died… and she carries on, so attached to her son, to her life, seeming to be one to be perfectly fine to make it on her own, becoming so influential, while taking care of everything with an iron hand… He weeps….
He could have had it all… And now he only had glimpses of what they could have been.
When Mary gets sick... Edwina's eagerness to go and take care of her, preferring her sick mother to any of them, would be comical if not tragic.
Edwina passes shortly after Mary.
When he goes to Kate…
And Kate keeps standing tall…. He weeps once again.
And, when he tells her that he is so sorry.
He wants to give her everything.
He wants to understand what the depths of her eyes were hiding, and to welcome her into his arms.
He means that he's sorry for everything, for what she heard, for him being unapologetic, for his obtuse ways of diminishing her protecting her sister, for him having pursued Edwina just for the challenge she presented, just for her being a diamond, that he is sorry for his scheme, for invading the soiree, for humiliating her.
That he's sorry that he loved her and proposed to Edwina instead, that he acted as if nothing existed between them, as if she was nothing, like she didn't deserve to be honored, by going to Edwina and ignoring, dishonoring, her as the head of her family, and as a lady.
That he's sorry for all the words, for all the bickering, that he's sorry for marrying her sister, for going against her wishes, and taking her away...
Even though he knows that she had warned Edwina that he wouldn't love her, even though he knows that it was Edwina who had turned away from her, ashamed... He had taken away her innocence, causing a rift between them...
Edwina could have gone to her mother, regardless of whom she had married, but perhaps… if she had married with someone else, who hadn't ignored her humanity, with someone who had loved her, maybe she wouldn't have withered away, maybe she'd have children, just like Kate, and maybe she couldn't go to Mary, like Kate could not.. and then… Maybe…
Maybe Edwina could still be alive.
Could one stupid decision, made on the spur of a moment, touch so many lives and destroy them?
"I see that your character it is as deficient as your horsemanship skills.” Kate had stated, a few moments after they had met again.
Something changes in the gaze of Kate, at the loss of her mother and sister.
Their grief brings them together, and the ease with which he gets along with her son should sting, but it does not… For it shows him another glimpse of them…
For a moment, he manages to think that Mayan is theirs, but then again, he doesn't have his chestnut hair, nor his dimples… and the glimpse is lost.
It happens one night, in the same library where he had sealed everyone's fate, recklessly, thinking he had the right to choose for everyone, that he knew best...
He wondered why she was looking at him like that… If she still felt the same about him, even though he knew that wasn't the case….
“I don't blame you… Lord… Anthony…” She said, after some hesitation.
Anthony could feel his astonishment coming to the surface, making it clear with his gawking and widening eyes.
“I… could have gone to Mary… I could have sent someone to take care of her, instead of letting Edwina do it, I… could have been far more honest with my sister, all… those years ago. But… I thought… after the races… the soirée… her confessing to me that she loved you, that it wouldn’t make a difference….” She confessed to him, with a heavy sigh, looking at the fireplace instead of his eyes.
“It would not have, indeed…. The truth is, I never should have proposed. That… it’s on me….” Anthony spoke quietly, pausing to look into his glass of brandy, before opening his mouth to finally apologize.
“Everything.. went as it did, because of your choices, my choices, and… hers too… Now….” Kate stands up.... “Now we can only move forward and leave the past behind. That's why I decided to raise Mayan in India… I want for him to know my homeland, before he comes of age and has to take over the estate and the county.”
Anthony looks at her back, as if it contains all the answers in the Universe... She's gone for good... Will she ever come back…? After all... what right does he have to confess his love... To ask her to stay?
So, he just keeps hanging in there… prostrated and not knowing what to do.
It is then that Anthony finally understands his mistake… There are no more glimpses… There is nothing…. He sees the wind take her away, leaving him with only stars to dream.
He thought that he hadn't tasted happiness… but… being devoid of her gaze…. He'd thought at least he would keep her eyes on his life.
Now he was plagued by his delusions, which kept him going back again and again, to the beginning, to the races, to the soirée, to that study, to that damned day he proposed to Edwina, if only he'd gone past her and gone to Kate, instead of..
But, even his illusions are washed away, as time passes, as the dreams he once held.
They are tinted by his greed, his grieve, his pride, his fear. Amidst them there is only the acrid smell of the bridges he had burned… He is never going to be satisfied.
There were no more glimpses, no Kate, no wife, no children, no family. Other mouths did not console him, nor other embraces. His duties did not bring oblivion to him and neither did his brandy...
Life passes by him, and he tries to convince himself, as well as everybody else, that he had moved on, that he was going to be alright….
He is like a sunflower now… turning his gaze eastward, waiting for the day when she would return along his air.
He visits the port every morning, waiting for her every day, as well as the glimmer of hope that she can forgive him for not having chosen her, or their love, for having condemned her sister….
Amidst his despair, he tests other mouths, tastes other lips, knows other arms, but no other has her scent of lilies, her eyes.. full of fire and wit… None gives him even a mere glimpse of her.
Every night, he clings to his brandy, to whatever that might send him into oblivion, to whatever might make him reach the new dawn... and turn the delirious nights into another memory... But, morning never comes.
Still, he tells himself that he must not give in…. That he must think of a new life, but he sees his siblings, his nephews, his nieces, and Kate is the only life he wants to know.
Hyacinth marries, Gregory... even Colin and Eloise... His mother departures from this world..., and there's only him...
His lamplight burns out, there is a new dawn on the sky, but it does not reach him. There is only him and the burn out end of his smoky nights.
He had made himself so easy to let go…. To forget. There was a time when that was what he had wanted for his life, wasn't it so?
Anthony drowns in his brandy, raising a new glass to his lips, and he doesn't even feel it burning his throat, choked on memories… mere illusions of what his life could have been…
He searches endlessly for glimpses of what was, of what wasn't, but the sight of her beloved face begins to fade away…. All he has left its the scent of lilies.
There is a vase of the orange flower in every corner of his lodgings, but still, he searches for her in the port, in his ledgers, in every corner of his memory… he looks for her at each sunrise, needing to see her figure silhouetted against the golden skies.
Anthony is not well.. he hasn't moved on… he doesn't know how much more he can take of such life.
He looks at his father's portrait, thinking about the kind of son he would be proud of... His father... just wanted for them to be happy... He thinks that he might choke on his brandy, but then, the sun rises over the frame, and.. there is a new dawn.
He finds himself back at the port... Back to the day she left him... It has never left him, but indeed, it is a new day.
Mayan had grown up… It's the first thing Anthony notices…. How much he had changed in these 10 years.
The second is that the glimpse comes back, he sees clearly how he could have been his…. Even when he has the wrong eyes, the glimpse it's not lost, as he sees her eyes again.
There is an emotion swelling in his chest, overflowing through his eyes, his heart pounded in his ears… Anthony doesn't know if he will finally breathe again or if he will stop for good.
His Kate is back.
The years had only enhanced her beauty…. And he wonders if he now will have the courage to grasp beyond the glimpses, to beg her to make them come true.
To touch her, and to show himself that she is real, that she is here, bringing his air… his happiness back.
Maybe she feels lonely too, and once she looks into his eyes, she can see, all the pain, all the love, everything they were not and could be now.
Maybe he manages to slip, at least a bit, under her skin, making her catch a glimpse of them, and want more.
Want everything.
Does she know? That he would give her the stars and the moonlight?
He remembers then, of their first encounter.
“It is this what it was… a race?” She had asked him, filling him with life.
Thinking about everything he would do differently.
He can't stop himself from going to Hyde Park, where it all started... no longer thinking about what he should have done, but in what he can do now instead.
It is then that he hears, the neighing of a horse next to him, and then, a woman, riding astride, galloping at full speed through the green fields, surpassing his sluggish speed with ease.
Seeing her black curly locks blend with the air, Anthony… laughs… the sound is so foreign to his ears, that it gives him a pause, and he loses any chance of reaching her.
He sees her horse hop through the hedge, and he goes towards her, like the first time.
“I see time did not improve your horseman skills.” She tells him, with mirth, her eyes crinkling in the corners, as she turns her horse towards his direction.
These are the first words he hears from her.
Suddenly, he was filled with life once again.
Then, the wind brought her back to him, as her perfume and the blue of the sky.
In the melody of the air, her laughter sounded like a song.
Nothing had ever sounded better to his ears.
Kate had just returned, he hadn't heard from her for years, but after everything, Anthony must try to rewrite their ending, he must let her know, that he will humble himself before her, that he does not want to face a life without her anymore… that he does not want a mere glimpse of her any longer.
He wants a lifetime.
♤♤