Chapter Text
It all started when Hawks was delirious on Commission prescribed medication. He has no idea what he’s actually taking and sometimes the best solution is ignoring your problems until a certain emo Frankenstien gets mad about it for you.
So there he was lying on the floor of his living room with a puddle of his own drool when he had been playing with his hair and accidentally pulled out some of his hair and stray baby feathers. Deliriously, Hawks muttered, “Pull out your crest feathers, Hawks. Heroes don’t have those. Why am I not allowed to have my own hair? Why can't I have my crest?”
“MUST I BE BALD?!” He sat up violently, only to topple back down.
“Bald… Bald… Bald… Forever a featherless biped. What is a man without his hair?” A hysterical cackle left his lips as Hawks got to his feet with more caution this time. “If I can’t grow my feathers and hair out fully, then neither can they!”
Hours later, Hawks finally flew back to his apartment, crashed onto the couch, and promptly passed out.
“Yo chicken, wake up,” a warm hand shook him. “Wake up.”
“Hrnghhh”
“I got food.”
Hawks immediately sat up. “Really? Oh my gosh best boyfriend ever!”
“I’m your only boyfriend, idiot” Dabi scoffed, handing over a take out container full of food. Hawks simply nuzzled closer and started eating.
“Love youuuuu” the blonde sang around a mouthful of half chewed food.
“Shut the fuck up. Did you never learn manners? What the hell are you even watching?”
“Oh. Uh the news?” Hawks squinted. He had left the ridiculously large TV (what else is he supposed to spend his money on??) on mute and forgotten to turn it off while he was high. “Wait, what’s going on?”
Once unmuted, a female news anchor with a deer mutation continued to announce “The culprit for this crime is unknown, but the general public is having a wonderful day after discovering this crime. Many social media users are asking for the artist’s identity while others are giving suggestions for future pieces.”
Images of a sloppily drawn bald All Might fighting the villain All for One with a head of luxurious hair are shown. The screen panned out to show a large crowd taking pictures of the masterpiece displayed on the side of a KFC.
“Not all citizens are happy about the newly dubbed Bald Hooligan though as some people have-” Hawks stopped listening when Dabi started choking beside him.
“Oh my god, are you okay? Dabs?” Setting his food aside, Hawks started patting his boyfriend’s back.
Dabi waved him off, the choking revealed to be from laughter and not from food going down the wrong pipe. “What the fuck? Who did that? We should recruit them to the League!”
Offended, red wings fluffed up. “Oh I see how it is. When I try and do so many extra tasks for you, the answer’s still no. But when some random kindergartener draws something stupid, they immediately get in.”
“Aw, are you jealous?” Cerulean eyes crinkled in mirth. If a certain arsonist fell off the couch, it was because of their own shit balance and not because he was pushed. Certainly not the latter at all.
A month later, the commotion about the artwork died down. The KFC fortunately decided to leave the graffiti artwork up since that location’s business has skyrocketed and stayed there.
The Commission and other heroes Goody Two Shoes hoped it would never repeat. All Might himself was torn between finding it funny and distraught while young Midoriya was busy scribbling in his notebook.
Unfortunately for them, Hawks was given another unsatisfactory evaluation from the impossible standards he was held too. Everyday, he wonders why he doesn’t let his boyfriend burn the place down. Was it conditioning? Probably. Was it also because he genuinely did care despite all that was done? Partially.
Regardless, the mistake of leaving a drugged up Hawks alone was made. The mistake turned out to be even worse for the Commission as this time, it was their new Number One hero that was defamed.
Sad. Bald. Endeavor. On the side of another KFC location.
The funny part was his sidekicks were a part of the display, but they had hair. Burnin thought the artist did a great job drawing her as did the other sidekicks. But some people did not find it funny.
“Hawks! Hawks! You won’t believe it but Endeavor burnt his own agency down! The Bald Hooligan strikes again!” Rumi yelled, kicking down the door and awakening the worn out lump of red feathers on the floor.
Hawks rubbed his eyes, never creasing his perfect eyeliner. “Huh? Rumi? What?”
“Look at the news! Your rebranded bird app! Instagram even! The people are going crazy,” the rabbit hero exclaimed, shoving a blurry phone screen in his face.
Logical _Hawks.exe logging back on. “Why? Someone graffitied him? Oh my god? Oh my god . Rumi, what the absolute fuck.”
A feral grin crossed his best friend’s face. “You’re gonna be next.”
It took him a second longer than it should have, but once it clicked, Hawks threw the phone away. “No, why? Why me? I’m already half bald!”
Thirty minutes later, a black-hairred criminal climbed in the place through the window. “Uh what?” he said eloquently to the sight of a rabbit-themed menace laughing at his wailing boyfriend. Both of whom were on the ground.
“I hope you like your chicken plucked!” Rumi crowed before leaping away to torture another soul with her brilliance.
Dabi rolled his eyes and moved to his depressed chicken, stroking his hair the way he knew the blonde liked. “Keigo, baby, what’s wrong?”
As ugly-criers look after being dramatic, Hawks sniffed and rubbed his nose. “Touya…”
“Would you still love me if I was bald?”
To Rumi’s disappointment, the next victim was not Hawks. She was not pleased. It was the Hero Public Safety Commission’s president. She as well as a certain group of criminals were overjoyed.
Hawks was horrified and took refuge in the LOV base for a week before he dared to return to his apartment. His boyfriend, on the other hand, framed a picture of it. He even offered to take Hawks to the place to get fried chicken weekly.
They compromised with going to the Bald Endeavor Location. KFC was thrilled with another update. Their sales boomed once more. The official twitter account even stated they would be willing to partner or pay their new best friend.
Meanwhile, Hawks could count with one hand the number of times he was more uncomfortable in the President’s office than he is now. It was two.
“Hawks. I want you to put a pause on your infiltration of the League of Villains. This new hooligan must be stopped before it ruins the reputation of the HPSC and pro-heroes themselves.”
Hawks idly wondered if it was worth saving if it could be so easily taken down with amateur art. He could probably draw some too if he really tried. Snapping back to attention, he saluted. “Yes Madam President.”
“You are dismissed.”
Welp, on one hand, the president had never been more pissed. On the other hand, Hawks won’t have to make up fake reports on the LOV for a while now. “A win is a win,” he muttered as he flew home to his personal heater.
Hawks was dozing off to dreamland when it came to him. The movement of him sitting up must have disturbed Dabi because he groggily pulled the hero back down. He really was like a cat sometimes. An angry burnt cat with pyromaniac tendencies but still a lovable one. “What’s wrong?”
“I- Hrm. I think I know who the graffiti artist is,” Hawks said hesitantly.
A soft breath exhaled in his neck. “Hm?”
“But it was probably a dream,” he finished, shutting his eyes. It better be a dream. He’d be diced chicken if his hazy memories were actually real. No more Dabi threatening to flambé him would be nice though. You win some, you lose some. Personally, Hawks will be following his habit of ignoring everything until otherwise.
The Bald Hooligan shall remain a mystery and he’s keeping it that way.