Work Text:
It wasn't uncommon for scholars in the Akademyia to pull all-nighters, and you were no exception. In fact, you were more of a regular, still lurking in the library at this hour.
Maybe you were a bit of an overachiever, or maybe your thirst for knowledge was just that insatiable, as you had decided to study in more Darshans than just one. Otherwise you should have been fully graduated by now, but here you were, in the library with your nose in a book late into the evening still studying.
It has become somewhat of a routine for you, and perhaps it was a detriment to your health by the bags that had been re-developing under your eyes, but going to bed exhausted and crashing when you got home was preferable to laying awake for hours with your thoughts. It was a peaceful atmosphere in the library, something that helped you focus on reading to busy your mind from thinking of other things. So long as no one came to bother you, that is, but it seemed fate had exactly that planned, as a voice calls out to you, quietly approaching.
"You're still here?"
You startled a bit, looking up from your book to meet turquoise eyes staring back at you under a raised brow.
It was none other than Alhaitham, your old academic rival. You graduated from Haravatat bedside him, but where he became the Akademyia's Scribe of all things, you decided to pick up another study.
You purse your lips at him in a tiny pout, squinting up at him. "You're one to talk." You poke back, "What are you still doing here? You're usually home already by now.
Alhaitham huffs a breath through his nose, the closest you were going to get to a laugh out of him.
"I was going home, but I happened to notice you over here, practically falling asleep while reading." He sighs, in what you think is annoyance. "If you're too tired to continue, you might as well head home rather than make yourself more exhausted."
Of course he was here to judge you on your sleeping habits, or lack thereof. Somehow he always carved out enough time for the perfect amount of rest, even before when you were still students together. He'd always be well rested while you had bags under your eyes and several cups of coffee in your system. Not that it ever helped, but the idea that it might was enough. It always seemed like you were barely keeping up with him; how were you ever rivals with him to begin with?
You grumble at his comment, swiping your notes into a pile and stuffing them into your book. You were in no position to argue with him though, as he was right. You were exhausted, but there was a reason you pushed yourself to this state.
Still, you concede, shoulders slumping as you gather your things into your bag. "Fine, fine. You win."
There's a twitch of his lip that could have been a smile, but was more likely a smirk. You were sure somewhere in between there was a snide comment about how you didn't try to fight him, how easy you were being, or to insist you repeat that he was right, but if he was thinking it then he kept it to himself.
You didn't really have any clue what he was thinking. Even after the years of knowing him, Alhaitham was still a mystery to you.
You consider asking if you'd see him tomorrow, but the idea hesitates in your head. A thought flashes through your mind after it, dark and heavy. A sigh tumbles from your lips instead, and all you say is, "Goodnight..."
"Goodnight." He nods, before turning around to leave.
You fuss with your bag as you wait till he's gone to push yourself up from your seat. You're slow to make your way back home, staring at the path below and watching where you put your feet as you meander down from the Akademyia. Your shoulders felt heavy, mind starting to race now that you didn't have a distraction.
It's growing dark by the time you reach your house. You lock the door behind you, pressing your back into the wood with a shaky sigh. You feel like a weight has been dumped into your chest, pulling you down, pulling everything on your shoulders with it down onto your lungs.
You kick off your shoes, and slowly force yourself to get ready for bed. Even changing into pajamas felt like a chore. When you finally crawl into bed, you slump into the mattress with a groan. Sleep comes relatively easy with how late you'd been up, forcing your mind to rest.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You wake in the dark of your room, hazy and still entirely exhausted, but mind rattling anxiously. Another nightmare. Nothing new to you but just as irritating and disturbing as always. You grip your arms tightly, fingers pressing into your flesh. The details of the nightmare are slipping, but it leaves a heavy sensation in your chest as it goes. Something hot and uncomfortable bubbling in your lungs.
Frustration. Maybe desperation.
Your grip tightened, pressed down and pulled, feeling the skin stretch, nails digging into your arms.
Your chest burned. A boiling itch that buzzed under your skin, leaving you to scratch at the surface, wanting to just tear it open like you would an extra layer of clothing.
You swallowed roughly, biting back a cough, only then made aware of the sting present in your eyes too. Then the tingling in your skin caught up to your senses, the burning dissatisfied, but not as loud as the scratches you'd clawed into your arms. It didn't even necessarily hurt; it was more a lingering sensation that betrayed there even had been touch in the first place.
But you wanted it to hurt. You needed it to.
Soothing the marks didn't feel right. Avoiding the pain felt numbing; a sick, cloying sensation that felt almost suffocating. You needed to let it out.
Your nails dug into your skin, scratching till the spot went numb, till you knew you'd re-broken skin.
Yet it wasn't enough.
You swing your legs over to the edge of the bed, pushing yourself up and feeling the sting in your arms as you do. It didn't necessarily feel good, but it felt right. You crawl out of bed and throw on a pair of pants and a long-sleeved shirt before pulling on your jacket. The touch of the fabric against your wrists stung.
You push on some shoes before stepping outside, re-locking your door behind you. The chill night air hitting your face was sobering, as you pulled your jacket close and began walking down the street. The market still had some folk lingering, and you knew at this hour the Bazaar would be lively, but the rest of Sumeru City was getting ready to sleep. At least it meant people were focused on going home rather than paying you any mind.
You slip through the market and down towards the docks, before making a sharp turn and pass the last few buildings before you're approaching the entrance to the city. The guards were in the middle of switching shifts and simply nodded to you. Rtawahist students often stepped just outside of the city to view the night sky for their charts, so it was no strange sight to see you heading out.
You pass through the gates, gaze focused on the ground in front of you, your shoes scuffing on the earth as you picked your way over to the bridge.
Dread settled into your gut as you reached the center of the bridge and stepped up to the branches acting as railing. You'd dreamt about this for ages, and yet standing here left you with a particular sick sensation in your chest.
You stared with blurry eyes at the waterfall's edge, listening to the roar of the falls as if hoping it would drown out your thoughts. It looked so very enticing, and yet...
Would this be enough? Or would this only cripple you, making you a further burden to those around you?
You bite back a sob, sucking in a breath, and glare at the water as tears pricked at your eyes. Perhaps a cliff would be better, but the thought of searching for a tall enough one in the dark seemed like too much. What if you ran into a tiger, or a nest of fungi? Being torn to shreds was too terrifying and painful to consider compared to the falls.
You're not sure how long you stand there, staring out at the edge where the river disappeared over the cliff. It's long enough for the chill of the nighttime air to have sunk into your limbs and made you stiff when you shift to move again. Your hands scrape against the bark of the branches as you climb up onto the railing, sitting on the wood with your feet dangling over the edge.
There was a tightness in your gut as you stared down at the water below. It would be so easy. If the fall didn't kill you then the water below would. You wouldn't have to worry anymore about the past and your future, or disappoint those around you, or be kept up at night with nightmares... if you just...
Over the crashing water you don't hear footsteps approaching you.
You startle then, when a hand wraps around your upper arm, almost tight enough to hurt. You whip your attention up to see who it was, only to find the last person you expected to see.
There stood Alhaitham, hand clenched around your arm as if he was the only thing keeping you steady, and he may as well have been with how you wobbled. His eyes were narrowed, but instead of irritation like you expected, you only saw concern in them—something you never thought you'd see on his face. Not for you, anyway. It was stern though, and filled with a warning. It didn't take a genius to figure what you had been about to do.
"Get down from there." He practically barked at you, tone dangerous in a way that had you feeling like a child about to be reprimanded.
You wanted to bite back, but his grip on your arm tightened in warning that he was ready to take matters into his own hands if you didn't listen. So, sheepishly, you swung your legs back over the railing and slid back onto the bridge.
You refused to look at him, but you didn't have to see to know he was staring you down, feeling his gaze boring into your skull. His grip on your arm didn't let up.
There were so many things you could imagine him saying. From asking what you were doing and demanding an explanation to calling you a fool and an idiot. The silence between you was painful to you, and in the end it was you who spoke first.
"What are you doing h-here?" You stuttered out, swallowing hard. Turned out you were fine until you tried to speak, a knot tying into your throat as your voice cracked. You quickly gave up on the idea, hanging your head with shoulders raised as tears stung your eyes. A small, shaking gasp for air was all he needed to hear to realize you began to cry.
Your trembling, quiet sobs were now the only sound beyond the falls. Alhaitham didn't answer you, and instead you feel his other hand come to rest on your arm. Only then does his grip loosen to simply hold your arms, before he's pulling you close. You hardly register it till your face is squished into his chest and you feel your tears smearing over your cheeks into the fabric of his shirt.
He's hugging you, hands pressed against your back to keep you in place as you cry into his chest. A hug was the last thing you expected him to give you, if anything at all, and something about it sends a shuddering breath through you, a breaking sob wracking your chest.
He doesn't shush you, or mutter a word to try and soothe you. He simply holds you in silence and lets you feel your feelings. You have no idea what's going through his head, but pressed so close you can hear his heart racing. It takes you a moment to realize he was scared; scared for you. It should have been soothing, but guilt filled your lungs instead.
Who were you to make him worry?
You only have so many tears to cry, and eventually your sobs trail off into quiet sniffles. Only then does Alhaitham pull back, turquoise eyes scanning over your tear-streaked cheeks for a moment. The cool nighttime breeze chills your tears, and your eyes sting. You expect him to question you now, but instead he hooks his arm under yours, tugging you with him as he steps back.
"Come on." Is all he says, guiding you to follow him. You're in no state to argue, so you stumble after him, letting him lead you back towards the city.
The walk is in silence, as you try to gather yourself, rubbing your face dry with your sleeve. You stare at the ground as you walk, paying no mind to where he was leading you, focused on keeping pace with him due to his longer legs. It's only till he begins to slow down that you look up, and you realize you're in front of his house. You nibble on your lip, about to question him, but he's already holding the door open and ushering you inside.
The door closed behind you with a small, quiet click, but it was enough to draw the attention of the figure sitting in the living room as Alhaitham moved past you.
"Where have you been? I'm never home before y-" Kaveh had began to comment before he hesitated, crimson eyes flicking to you where you stood half-hidden behind Alhaitham. "...ou. Uhm."
He coughed into his fist, glancing back to Alhaitham with a raised brow. "I didn't know you planned on bringing someone over..."
"I didn't." Alhaitham shrugged, striding into the living room like nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Then... why are we at your place?" You quietly questioned, glancing around as you followed after him.
"Because I don't trust you to be left alone." He states flatly, moving around the couches to rummage in a closet in the hall.
That brings a frown to your face and you stop in the middle of the room. You don't argue though, looking at the floor as you fidget with your hands. There's an awkward silence between the three of you, and you can practically hear the gears churning in Kaveh's head with a million questions on the tip of his tongue. You only lift your eyes enough to glance at him, offering a wobbly smile and a little wave. His eyes sweep over your tear-streaked face and puffy eyes, lips turning into a frown to match yours.
Before he can ask, Alhaitham comes back and dumps an armful of pillows and a blanket onto the couch by the window. Whatever conclusion Kaveh has come to, it keeps his questions in his head. Instead, he looks to Alhaitham.
"Sooo, what, we're having an impromptu sleepover?"
"Something like that." Alhaitham answers, turning to you, "Let me know if you need any more blankets."
He doesn't wait for an answer, moving back towards you as he's shrugging off his cloak. He only pauses briefly to place a hand on your shoulder, leaning down as if he was going to whisper to you, but he doesn't bother lowering his voice. "We'll talk tomorrow."
You lower your head again as he steps by you, a short nod he doesn't care to catch as he hangs up the heavy cloak by the door. As he does, you pick your way over to the couch and flop down. Kaveh watches the whole exchange with pursed lips, but the room remains silent.
You stare at your hands as you listen to Alhaitham lock the door, tossing his keys into a small bowl after. You kick off your shoes and pull the thick blanket on the couch beside you up and around your shoulders. Holding it close, you draw your knees to your chest and bundle yourself up. You hear Alhaitham shuffle around some more, but no one says a peep. You have no words anyway, and Kaveh's taken the hint that you don't want to explain.
"Well, since you're back now, I'm going to bed." The blond says in a sigh, pushing himself up from his seat. He slips by the coffee table, pausing by you to ruffle your hair with a smile. It's sympathetic, as you look up to meet his gaze, worry on his face. "Goodnight you two."
It would be nice, knowing he too cared, if only it didn't make you feel guilty.
They leave you be as they get ready for bed. For a moment you hear them talking quietly in the other room, and you're sure they're talking about you. You couldn't blame Kaveh for wanting to ask Alhaitham what was going on, why he suddenly brought you home out of the blue, but it made you feel bad. You hide yourself against the blanket, and soon the house falls quiet. You sit there in the dark for a bit, picking at your knee, before eventually settling down on the couch. It was hard to fall asleep, and you lay there for a long time, staring up at the ceiling in the dark, chest aching and eyes stinging.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You wake to the sound of ceramic clinking together and the smell of coffee brewing. Stretching with a groan, you prop yourself up on the arm of the couch, peering over the cushion. Whoever was up already must have heard your groan, because a messy fluff of blond hair peeks out from the kitchen.
"Oh! Mornin'." Kaveh chirps, beaming at you, "Coffee?"
How could he be so sunny this early?
"Sure." You push yourself up to sit, running a hand through your hair in a blind attempt to fix it.
"Any sugar? Creamer?"
"Uhm, both."
You rub the sleep out of your eyes as you listen to the clatter of mugs as Kaveh fixes another cup of coffee. Shortly after, he's padding into the living room with two steaming mugs in his hands. He sets one down on the coffee table for you, before moving around to sit on the couch on your left with a content sigh.
The two of you sit there in a relatively comfortable silence. Kaveh doodles in a small sketchbook as you cradle your coffee in your hands. It's not too long after that Alhaitham gets up, grabbing some coffee for himself and sitting opposite of Kaveh, closest to you. He picks up a book left on the coffee table, flipping through it to a specific page despite having no bookmark. You can't help but stare a little as he sips his coffee.
It was so surreal, to be here with them in the morning, quietly sitting with them as you all had your morning coffee. You'd visited before, but you'd never stayed the night. It was almost as cozy as the library to you, except you had nothing to distract yourself from thinking.
You fidget with your hands, digging at the edges of your nails. Either Alhaitham was that good at keeping his cool and hadn't wanted to press you in the middle of your distress last night, or he somehow already knew. Unless he was masking his feelings, he had acted like it was nothing new. He wasn't a student with you anymore, and sure you met up relatively often to hang out along with Kaveh, but how could he know about your mental state as of recently? You never talked about it, and you thought you did a good job of hiding it when with others. The former idea seemed more plausible, but Alhaitham was more perceptive than he let on sometimes.
The clock has chimed twice by the time Kaveh gets up and disappears into his room. You lift your arms above your head, groaning lowly with the stretch, the ache in your skin.
Alhaitham's gaze glances over to you, then up and lingered on your arms. It took you a moment to realize what he was staring at. You snap your hands back down, holding your wrist close to your chest defensively, pressing your lips into a wobbly line.
You couldn't directly meet his stare as he squinted, but there was no judgement in his eyes. He set his book down, sitting up and held out his hand towards you, palm up, waiting. Your eyes flicked between his face and hand, but you got the message loud and clear. Reluctantly, you lay your hand in his palm.
His grip is gentle as he pulls your arm closer, a low sigh leaving his chest as he scans over the wounds on your wrist with a thin frown.
"Did you do this?" He asks, voice low but steady.
Whether you were a good liar or not didn't matter when facing Alhaitham; he always could see right through you. The answer was obvious, really. You lower your head to avoid his gaze and nod.
Silence for just a second too long. You hear him take a deep breath.
"Why?" His voice is quiet, careful. You're not used to hearing him sound like this.
"I dunno. I guess... I felt like I deserved it..." You fidget, unsure of your answer. It made sense in your head, but trying to put it into words made it sound stupid to you. Still, you had no better explanation.
Alhaitham is quiet for another long moment, before he sighs again.
"No one deserves this." He replied softly, his fingers squeezing your palm.
You don't know what to say, because you both knew he was right, yet couldn't feel it for yourself. More silence follows, and you can distinctly feel his stare that you pointedly avoid. You don't know why you're so afraid of meeting his gaze, but the thought fills you with an anxiety that rattles through your fingers. You know he can feel it, but his only response is to squeeze your fingers together in his hand.
"Wait here." He tells you as he lets go and stands, stepping around the couches to disappear into the bathroom in the hall. You hear him rummaging around and the sound of running water for a minute before he comes back.
You look up, and in his hands is a roll of bandages, a jar of ointment and a damp cloth. It should have been sweet, but you just felt guilty for needing the help.
This time he sits next to you, taking your hand to lay your arm out over his knee. Gently, he wraps the warm washcloth over your wrist and holds it there.
"So," He begins, lightly rubbing his thumb against the cloth. The wounds underneath ached from the touch, but it was soothing despite it against the warmth of the cloth. "When did you start doing this?"
Your face felt hot with how caring he was being towards you. You always had assumed him to be a distant and cold man, and as his old rival you only expected to get a snarky, competitive side out of him, but it was like you were sitting with a completely different man. You'd expect this from Kaveh, not Alhaitham, and you didn't know how to feel about seeing him act this way towards you. This was the most warmth you'd felt from someone in a long time.
"Uhm... maybe about a month ago..." You mumble and hang your head like a puppy being scolded, hoping to hide the flush on your cheeks from him.
"Hm." He hummed, acknowledging your words but left it at that for the moment. He gently wiped over your wrist with the cloth, before setting it aside on the coffee table and grabbed the ointment.
It's quiet between you and him as he carefully rubs the ointment into your cuts. You try not to flinch or hiss from the pain, but you can't help wincing. He doesn't apologize or pause, the pain of cleaning and treating your wrist was unavoidable after all. Soon, he's unraveling the roll of bandages and meticulously wrapping it around your arm.
"Thank you..." You mumble as soon as he's done, wringing your hands together nervously as he sets the supplies on the coffee table.
He reaches out after, cupping your hands in his, encapsulating them easily.
"You don't have to thank me." He assures, but you still feel like you do. It wasn't like he was making light of it, but you felt he wasn't making a big enough deal out of it. He had quite literally saved your life, didn't that deserve thanks?
"Look at me." He continues.
You're hesitant to do so, but when the following silence gets uncomfortable, you give in and peer up at him.
"Promise me something." He starts, as he squeezes your hands in his. The look he gives you is soft and full of care. "I want you to promise me that if you ever feel like doing this again, you'll come to me instead. I don't want you hurting yourself, understand?"
You're not sure you can promise him that, but the least you could do was try. It would be easier to do it for someone else than yourself. So you nod, lowering your gaze.
"Do you think you can tell me why you were on the bridge last night?"
You all but freeze, your breath caught in your throat. You open your mouth to explain, but hesitate. Again, it's something that made sense in your head, but felt stupid when spoken. You aren't sure how to put it into words. There was no easy, or simple explanation; everything had strings and strings attached.
So you absolve to tell him everything. From your anxiety and depression to your nightmares, to the past and your fears of the future. How your classmates bullied you. How you felt you had no hope of a future, how crippling moving forward felt, and how death felt like the only option—the only solution. You only barely get through your words before your voice cracked completely, tears running down your cheeks and dripping into your lap.
Alhaitham is silent for what feels like forever. You expect him to tell you factually how such problems were trivial compared to others, how you were being a big baby about it and needed to just suck it up. You have many different ideas of how he might respond, but somewhere deep down you knew none of them were accurate. Alhaitham is not your fear-driven assumptions.
With the clean side of the washcloth he carefully wipes your tears away, gently cupping your face.
"You're one of the most intelligent scholars I've had the honor of working with," he declared firmly, tilting your head up to make you meet his eyes, "You are most definitely not worthless. Someone like you could never be hopeless."
You want to feel the weight of his words, to let it soothe your aching heart, but you just can't. It doesn't feel right, or true, even though some part of you believed him, knew he was right. Alhaitham wouldn't tell you something he didn't mean.
"I mean, yeah!" You hear Kaveh pipe up suddenly, standing a bit awkwardly off to the side in the hall. Apparently he had been listening in after he'd gotten dressed. "How many people have you heard enrolled in a second Darshan after graduating one? Studying in another school doesn't mean you don't have direction, it just means you wanna learn more."
You look up at him with teary eyes, taking the washcloth from Alhaitham to dry your face yourself. He sits back with a glance at the blond as you sniffle.
"And you shouldn't listen to those bullies. They're a bunch of jealous spoiled brats." Kaveh continues, waving a hand dismissively.
You snort a small and weak laugh, making Kaveh smile. He claps his hands together, changing the subject, "I was gonna make pancakes. Do you want some?"
"Y-yeah." You nod with a smile, your voice weak from crying.
Alhaitham doesn't answer him, nor does Kaveh wait for a response. The blond spins around and disappears into the kitchen, while Alhaitham is still focused on you. You listen to Kaveh rummaging in the kitchen for a moment before you face Alhaitham again.
"I know you said I didn't need to but... thank you, for everything..."
"Of course." He smiles lightly at you, sympathetic and still worried.
One night of care wasn't going to 'fix' you, but it was a start.
Spending the morning with the two of them gave you a peace you hadn't felt in a while. You didn't have to mask or pretend, you could simply sit and listen to the two of them as they bickered mildly over nothing.