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"Video tapes, can you believe it?" Tim Drake said, blowing the dust off of another box he'd dug up. "Doesn't seem so long ago, all in all, but these days it's as if we're uncovering dinosaur bones."
Lounging in Batman's chair like a boss, Stephanie Brown clicked her tongue. "Oh come on, like you weren't all over analogue recording tech back when it was hot," she reminded him, fast-forwarding through the set of surveillance tapes he'd handed her. She swirled around to wiggle her eyebrows at him. "I'm specifically thinking of a bunch of mix tapes that a certain someone made me back in the day …"
He gave her a consternated frown. She grinned. She'd known full well how lame it was to point that out, but that surely wasn't stopping her from saying it out loud. It never did.
"Ooh, Drake did that?" Damian perked up, leaping at that tidbit like a cat would leap at a bug. He stopped wiping down his father's trophy cases and propped his chin on his hands in a mock display of deep fascination. "Please, tell me more about this quaint, ancient custom you call 'mix tape'."
Tim didn't take the bait. He lazily waved his hand in the boy's direction. "You wouldn't know half of the songs I put on there," he said dismissively.
"And you wouldn't believe the other half of the songs he put on there," Stephanie added with a smirk.
"I'll have you know that my tastes in music are very eclectic," Damian pointed out, carelessly wiping his hands on his shirt, which probably cost more than Stephanie's rent. He was reaching an age where he desperately wanted to impress girls, even those he'd earlier proclaimed he didn't care for. It was entertaining.
"I can prove it to you. I'll let you listen to my collection, no problem. I have a really good set-up in my room, and you can flip through my library if you want -- too slow," he commented, catching the wet rag that Tim had tossed at his head.
But even Stephanie's crazy ex was almost smiling now. Everyone seemed determined to forego the pissing contest for the occasion, which was nice.
It seemed like nothing could ruin this afternoon.
"Wait." Damian swiftly got distracted when he pulled something black and crumpled from the trophy case. He eyed it suspiciously. "Why does Father have a leather thong in here?"
"It has his teeth marks still in it!" Dick Grayson beamed from the other side of the room, where he was wrestling with an old suit of armor.
Tim dropped the box of tapes and put up his hands. "Okay, I know the two of us don't often see eye to eye on things," he hissed at Damian. "But please trust me on this, do not ask him for that story."
Damian looked at the thong, then at Dick, then back at the thong, decided that Tim had the right of it, and tossed it back into the case with pinched fingers, like it was made out of poison.
It was Sunday, and they all had gathered to give the Batcave a much-needed clean-up. Well, Batman had tasked them to do it, not without emphasizing what a strong expression it was of the trust he put in them. Which, of course, was Bruce for "Alfred's gone for the weekend and I really can't be bothered with this."
None of them had really minded, though. Overall, it was a pretty fun afternoon, even though none of the boys would get on board with Steph dubbing it the Batcave Retro Party. Even Damian had agreed to voluntarily clean something, though he'd probably just smelled an opportunity to rummage through his dad's old stuff. Steph wondered if he regretted that now, with the thong incident and who knew what else he'd find in there.
She popped another handful of popcorn into her mouth and resumed pushing "FF" on the old remote. She had to admit, she'd been pretty excited when Tim had found the video footage from the old surveillance system. But so far, the material didn't reveal much other than that Batman was great at brooding at his desk without moving for a scary amount of time, as well as a string of hilarious pratfalls from various Robins that some kind soul should probably edit into a highlight reel to present to the family for Christmas. There were also some sequences that had obviously been blacked out, but Steph wasn't surprised. She'd expected no less from her former mentor. Even though she wondered what it had been.
The tape she was watching frizzled, then turned to static. The timer showed that it had nearly run out; there didn't seem to be any more on it. She leaned forward, getting ready to pop in the next one –
She heard the wet kissing noises before she even saw what was happening.
That's weird, she thought. Why would he record a porno on this?
Then, the tape flickered back on, and assaulted her eyes with a set of images that she was guaranteed to never, ever forget.
Everything that happened after seemed to happen in slow motion, even though in reality it might have been a few minutes, at best.
Steph stared in silence, a piece of popcorn lodged between her lips because she was unable to close her mouth. A moment later, she realized what she was looking at, and crunched her snack between her teeth, almost choking on it.
"Tim?" She coughed. "Is that you making out with Batman on that tape?"
"What?!" He looked up, probably alarmed by the moaning and groaning that rapidly filled the cave because their sound system was top-notch. "What are you talking ab – "
He took one look at the massive screen and froze in shock, looking exactly like someone witnessing a horrific car crash on an endless loop.
"Oh, right." She grabbed another handful of popcorn without even noticing it. "Costume's all wrong."
It was like a car crash. An unstoppable, sexy car crash. There were Batman and Robin, locked in a tight embrace, stumbling into what threatened to turn into a full-on doing-it-on-the-desk-situation. Steph couldn't peel her eyes off the screen, still trying to process what she was seeing. "Oh wait, is that Jason?"
"No." Tim had gone deathly pale while he stared at the scene in disbelieving horror. "No, that's – "
Before he could finish his thought, they were distracted by the swirling form of Dick Grayson somersaulting across three work benches to cover the distance between himself and Steph, landing on his feet right in front of the monitor screen.
Unfortunately, Dick was way too slender to cover the entirety of it, so that they were still treated to the sight of Batman passionately deep-probing his first Robin's throat like he expected a prize in there.
"Whoa, hey," Dick blurted out, waving his arms around and flop-sweating like a comedian tanking at open mic night, "I didn't think … I had no idea that was on there …"
"Neither did we," Tim Drake said stiffly, looking mortified.
Dick was blushing desperately, which, all things considered, was lovely on him. "Okay, I, uh, I'm really sorry everyone," he tittered, though not loud enough to tune out Batman growling 'Take off your pants' on-screen, in a cadence that Steph had honestly never heard from him before. Dick whirled around at that, staring at his younger self getting his vest mangled, blushing even deeper.
"Oh boy," he muttered, "I remember th- Steph will you turn that off?!"
"Right! Sorry!" She finally angled for the remote, but in her hurry only managed to hit the 'Pause' button, so that the screen now awkwardly froze on a huge image of Dick making an epic sex-face while Bruce was kissing down his naked chest.
It was so quiet after that, not even Batman himself could've stealthed in unnoticed. And, thankfully, he didn't.
"Guys, I know what this looks like," Dick eventually said, "But now, before you jump to any conclusions, I just want you to know that I was almost eighteen, and that it was totally consensual, so what you're seeing there – and again, sorry 'bout that – is really the expression of a natural, beautiful - "
He was interrupted by the sound of a glass smashing to pieces, and an ear-piercing scream.
Steph didn't need to turn around to know that Damian, who must've stepped out to get himself a drink, had now seen it too.
She shuddered. She'd heard Damian Wayne rage-scream before, and she'd heard him temper tantrum-scream before, but never, ever had she heard him scream in pure, unbridled terror.
Poor kid.
Steph craned her neck to look at him. Damian had stopped screaming, only to mechanically stretch out his arm and point an accusing finger at the monitor.
"WHAT IS THAT," he demanded to know, even though Steph was sure he had a really good idea what it was.
"Steph!" Dick groaned, prompting her to finally, finally find the 'OFF'-button. Batman and Robin's make-out session disappeared into the ether.
"Sorry," She called into the ensuing silence, holding the remote up like a disarmed gun, "Sorry everyone!"
Dick nervously ran his hand through his dark hair and turned to face the traumatized eleven year old, which probably was the sensible thing to do. "Damian, we were going to tell y- I mean, I'm really sorry, you clearly shouldn't have seen this, but let me explain – "
"No." Damian's angry finger was now aimed at Dick, even though the boy very pointedly didn't look at him, "No. No explanations. I've seen enough. I will now go to my room, and I will process this, and then I will let you know when I'm ready to talk to you again, which is not now, Grayson. I'm leaving," he declared, slowly backing away like this was a hostage situation, finger still in the air. It was probably for the best.
"Batcave Retro Party is over!" He spat, before he stormed off.
"Ha," Steph whispered under her breath when the door slammed shut.
"Damian – "
"Let him go," Tim mumbled, when Dick seemed like he wanted to run after him. "He's just seen his dad stick his tongue into his best friend, he deserves to mope about it. I'm sure he'll be fine."
Dick looked after him, shoulders sinking. "I guess you're right. Hey, you really think he thinks of me as his best friend?" He then asked, clearly touched.
The rest of the clean-up went by without a single hitch, probably because nobody really talked. Also, Damian wasn't there. At some point, Tim decided to blast some new indie-band he'd discovered through the speakers, and it was more than welcome.
It was only when they were getting ready to leave that Dick awkwardly said, "I guess the secret's out."
"Yeah it is," Steph confirmed, wrapping herself into her scarf. Tim said nothing.
Dick blushed again. "I feel bad. And I want you both to know that I'm open to any and all questions you might have about that … situation there, because I feel like I owe – "
"That's fine," Tim said briskly. Then he tilted his head, eyes narrow but not unfriendly. "You know, you're much better at keeping secrets than I ever gave you credit for."
"Yeah …" Dick gave him a lopsided smile. "That's … I'm great."
Steph patted him on the shoulder. "We're going out for milk shakes. You coming?"
"I can't. I'll hang back here." He still looked really embarrassed, but he visibly tried hard not to smile. "I'm … expected."
"Have fun!" Steph couldn't help saying when she walked out with Tim.
She followed him up the stairs, then she excused herself, and hurried back. She found Dick testing his breath using his hand, which was adorable.
"Hey," he said when he saw her. "Forgot something?"
"Yes. I forgot to give you this." She pulled out the disk. "I've done away with all the tapes, as per my assignment, but I ... saved this in digital form for you. Here."
He took it. The corners of his mouth were twitching. "I can't believe you did that!"
She shrugged. "Eh. You both looked really happy on there. I agree that nobody else should ever see this, ever, but … maybe you want to … review. I don't know."
He turned the disk over in his hands like she'd handed him a treasure. "Thank you."
"Sure," she said, and then, because she couldn't stop herself, again, "Enjoy."
"Steph?" He called after her when she ascended the stairs again.
"Yeah?"
Dick smirked up at her, clutching his own private sex tape to his chest. He cocked an eyebrow. "You didn't … by any chance convert this to HD, did you?"
She scoffed at that. "What do you take me for? I totally did."
"You're a real friend."