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No Hopers Jokers And Rogues

Summary:

After their ship was destroyed, it was rebuilt better than ever, much to pilot Lucius' delight. Unfortunately it now comes complete with a know-it-all AI co-pilot, Izzy.
Somewhere between epic space battles and saving humanity from an alien threat, Lucius discovers the...unique ways in which Izzy can make his life easier.

Lucius, scrambling for his bed sheet, covers himself and clears his throat. “Are you…monitoring this room, like…actively?”
“I monitor life signs for the entire crew, continuously.”
“But you’re not watching all of us, all the time, right?” Lucius winces.
“No.”
“Oh thank God,” he flops back on the bed.
“I’m just watching you.”

(Yes, this is a Mass Effect 2 AU, no you don't really need any knowledge of the game to enjoy the smut).

Notes:

Title from the Fisherman's Friends song of the same name.

Plot mostly stolen from Mass Effect 2, with some simplifications and liberties taken to fit the characters. If you feel like it you can google the alien races but it doesn't really matter that much, just let the terminology slide over your brain and enjoy the filth.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucius looks out of the viewing window at the Citadel port spread out before him in all its well-lit, intensely clean glory. You’d never know there was a full-scale battle for the galaxy’s future here only a year or so ago. Let alone that his captains had landed an armoured vehicle slightly…creatively, leaving it lodged in the Presidium gardens, halfway through a water main.

But, the Citadel, heart of the galactic community, is back to its former glory and so too, is the Revenge, after it was decimated by an unknown ship while they were hunting for rogue Geth in the aftermath of the Citadel attack.

He still remembers the panic, the chaos as the energy weapons split their hull like a nut – sending at least twenty of the crew into the vacuum of space without warning. He’d tried his best to save the forward section, pulled out every pilot trick he knew, but in the end he’d been forced to evacuate with the remaining crew.

Lucius never thought he’d fly again. Who, aside from Stede ‘first human Spectre’ Bonnet and Ed ‘decorated veteran of the fucking First Contact war’ Teach would allow a pilot with screwed up bones from Vrolik syndrome operate their state of the art ship? Who would let them??

But, once the Revenge was rebuilt, Stede welcomed him back. And here he is, sitting in the cockpit like he was never away. The ship feeling just as it had before the catastrophe.

“Flight Liutenant Spriggs…”

With one, irritating exception.

The floating green orb in front of him reforms after he swats at it, unfazed.

“I thought I turned you off,” he mutters, hunting for the manual he threw aside as soon as he found it.

“I’m integral to the running of the ship and cannot be deactivated,” the AI intones, somewhat smugly to Lucius’ ears. Though AI cannot be smug, he knows that. But this one…oh he already hates it.

“I’m the pilot, I’m integral – you are just an annoyance what keeps the thermostat in check,” he says, turning his chair and looking back towards the bridge. “Captain, please tell me you have an override for this…thing?”

“Me?” Blackbeard – the only Turian Lucius has ever met with a sense of humour, despite his military record, approaches and looks down at the console. “Nah…didn’t really get a say in it. Council just said they’d installed Izzy to help eliminate human error – ship was fucking expensive.”

“Human…I didn’t get us cut in half on purpose!” Lucius seethes. “I did everything I could to…”

“Having reviewed the incident log, that is accurate,” the AI – Izzy – says, interrupting him. “However, in the case of further unexpected combat, you will be able to evacuate quicker whilst leaving the helm in my control.”

He glares at the orb. “I’m not leaving this ship.”

“Well, get used to the thing then,” Ed advises, scratching lazily at one of his mandibles. “Seen Stede about?”

“Captain Bonnet is currently on the viewing platform,” the AI responds, before Lucius can so much as glance at the console.

Kiss-ass.

“Great, I’ll go see how he’s settling in,” Blackbeard leaves, taloned feet tapping as he makes a beeline for the elevator. 

Lucius rolls his eyes. The crew is mostly human, with the exception of Blackbeard, two Krogan in the form of Ivan and Fang and Jackie, an Asari commando who scares Lucius more than he’d care to admit. How Blackbeard intends to act on his obvious crush on his very human, squishable co-captain is anyone’s guess. Lucius can’t imagine that armoured skin, talons and mandibles pair well with human anatomy. But then again he hasn’t watched many vids on the subject.

“We are cleared for take-off,” the AI intones. “Flight Lieutenant Spriggs, if you would prepare for the relay jump to the human colony of Horizon…”

“Lucius. It’s Lucius, or Spriggs,” he mutters. “None of this rank bullshit, OK? Nobody cares.”

The green orb revolves as if turning this over. “Protocol amended, Mr. Spriggs.”

“Close enough…Iggy.”

“Izzy,” the AI corrects tonelessly. “Quantum blue box AI, standing for Integrated…”

“Mute.”

“….no such command exists in my programming.”

Lucius sighs. It’s going to be a long flight.

*

They’re on the trail of the ship that fucked them up last time, and Lucius pulls out all the stops to get them to Horizon, a new human colony which reported sightings of the same ship, before it went dark.

The shore party heading down in the shuttle comprises both captains – Blackbeard for obvious combat reasons, Stede because it’s a human colony and therefore falls under his Council-given jurisdiction, and despite Jackie’s seniority, the escaped convict, Jim.

Lucius has had next to no dealings with Jim since they busted them out of high security prison. All he knows is 1. They like living down by the engine room and 2. They have enough biotic strength to rip through Cerberus mechs, with their MIND.

Not pissing Jim off is at the top of his survival plan for this mission. And life in general.

“Revenge to shore party – how’s it looking down there?” Lucius asks, having heard nothing for half an hour now, since the shuttle touched down safely.

“No life signs so far,” Stede’s voice comes through, gravely. “No signs of remains or conflict…everybody's just…gone.”

 The hair on the back of Lucius’ neck prickles. “Nothing on scans from here. I’ll let you know if that changes.”

“…if I may…”

“Jesus!” Lucius swats at the floating AI avatar and the orb shimmers. “Can you cough or something? I’m on the edge of my seat here.”

“…scans show inactive guardian defences within the colony,” Izzy continues, undaunted. “Patching my interface into them could provide valuable ground cover in the event of an attack.”

“…or you could start singing daisy-bell and blow both my captains to Hell. No thank you robot boy.” Lucius mutters.

The console flashes up with about seven warnings at once, just as Stede’s voice returns over the communications array.

“Collectors inbound! They’re taking the colonists, we’re outnumbered! Lucius – we need an evac shuttle NOW!”

 He starts hammering the console before Stede has finished. “OK then Iggy – let’s see if your shooting’s as good as your micromanaging…”

*

Annoyingly, it turns out that Izzy is an excellent shot. What with being a quantum computer and all. Which is basically cheating.

The surface to air turrets drive the Collectors off long enough for Lucius to remote pilot a shuttle down and recover their shore party. Every colonist however, was taken to the collector ship. Apparently unconscious and in some sort of pods. It gives Lucius the creeps just thinking about it

The captains take their defeat hard and yeah, Lucius doesn’t like the idea of all those humans being rounded up for…something. Nothing good. He saw the husks via the shuttle exterior cameras and those things – the stumbling, zombie-like remains of humans put through some kind of Geth process – make his skin crawl. Their moans and growls are the soundtrack of his nightmares.

So it’s no wonder that in the middle of his shift’s sleep cycle, he’s wide awake. It’s probably more surprising that he’s engaged in the age old practice of sailors everywhere when sleep escapes them – attempting to wank himself unconscious.

His bunk’s not as fancy as the captain’s quarters, but his disability guarantees him a personal berth and a bed equipped with everything he needs for physical therapy in space. No one thought to give him a screen though, so he’s vid-less and using his imagination. Which is vivid as hell, but unfortunately waits until he’s naked and stroking himself to wonder if the AI interface is active down here.

He pauses, not quite ready to let go of his dick just yet, but too self-conscious to keep going. “Uh…Izzy?”

The orb appears over the small desk in the corner immediately, making him jump.

“Yes Mr Spriggs?” The flatly professional voice says.

Lucius, scrambling for his bed sheet, covers himself and clears his throat. “Are you…monitoring this room, like…actively?”

“I monitor life signs for the entire crew, continuously.”

“But you’re not watching all of us, all the time, right?” Lucius winces.

“No.”

“Oh thank God,” he flops back on the bed.

“I’m just watching you.”

He jerks upright again. “I’m sorry what?”

“You called me here, so you now have my attention,” the AI’s voice, an emotionless but definitely male projection, explains. “Did you need me for something in your bedroom?”

“No! I um…I wanted to make sure you weren’t watching me…” he trails off.

“I am. Now.”

“Got that, thank you…that is unnecessary and you can just, leave and go back to what you were doing before I called you.”

There’s no response, but the glowing green orb doesn’t disappear. Lucius pulls the sheet around himself tighter and glares. “As in – leave, you…high tech pervert. You might be – debatably – necessary to the running of the ship, but I think I’ve got nailed this without your input.”

The orb revolves slowly. “I…disagree.”

Lucius glares at the orb. “S’cuse you?”

“There are more efficient ways for you to accomplish your current task, given the resources available and your physical condition.”

“My…” he has no idea which horrific thing to address first. “Current task?”

“If your goal is to achieve a climactic physiological state of heightened sexual excitement…”

Lucius chokes on his own spit. “Never say that again.”

“…without causing injury to your musculature and bone structure, due to your Vrolik syndrome,” the AI soldiers on, unfazed by his embarrassment, “the best method would be to utilise the facility for transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation, built into your berth for off-world physical therapy and pain relief.”

Lucius sits with his mouth open for a few seconds, then closes it with a click. “Are you…trying to get me off, more efficiently?”

“…yes,” Izzy intones flatly.

“By…encouraging me to electronically stimulate, my…how would that even…”

The small blue light for the TENS system on his berth turns on.

“I can show you, if you require my assistance?” the voice says.

Is he imagining a slight…furtiveness to that computer generated voice? Probably. AIs cannot sound…shifty, and aroused. They’re not people. Not even slightly human. Even illegal, unshackled AIs like the one they encountered on Luna – capable of independent thought and action – didn’t have enough personality to…

“OK,” he says, nearly too softly to hear it himself. But obviously Izzy has sensors more capable than human ears, because he – it, it’s an it – gets to work right away.

The one time he’s used this new bed’s TENS unit, he was on his front and didn’t see the electrodes slide out of their ports and slither towards him. It’s a little unnerving to see the black wires, tipped with conductive gel pads, crawling over his body and under the sheet that he’s still clutching – slightly limply – over himself.

Slowly, almost having an out of body experience, Lucius lowers himself to the mattress and tries not to breathe hard when he feels the pads start to attach to his skin – at the base of his dick, the head, and nudging their way between his legs on either side of his hole.

He swallows hard, this is…very much not where he saw this evening going. And watching the calmly pulsing green orb as the AI positions cables to send electricity through his dick, feels deeply wrong on many levels.

And yet…he can’t quite bring himself to stop it.

“I’ll begin to administer an initial charge in three seconds,” Izzy informs him. “One…”

His breathing ratchets up, skin burning with a mixture of shame and arousal because…this is happening apparently.

“Two.”

Fuck, what if it hurts??

“One.”

Oh.

Ooooh.

Fuck.

It doesn’t hurt. From the first pulse it feels like…throbbing, deep down inside, like his dick’s being stroked from within. Lucius unclenches his nervous muscles and tries to breathe normally as the throbbing turns to something which feels like…sucking. He can’t help moving his hips, spreading his legs at the feeling. With his eyes shut it’s almost like someone’s there, taking his cock in their mouth.

He lets out a soft groan, and immediately bites it back, but obviously the AI already caught it.

“Is this pleasing?”

He tries and fails to hold in a huff of surprised amusement, he’s already losing it, thighs trembling with pleasure as his cock twitches and leaks against his belly.

“…yeah…yes, fuck…it’s good…keep going…”

Did it just amp up slightly? He can’t tell, it feels like his invisible lover is trying to suck his balls dry, fairly urgently. His hips rise up off the mattress and he moans helplessly, chasing a touch that doesn’t physically exist, but which is consuming him nonetheless.

“…oooh…fuck…” he whines, rolling his head on the pillow, after several minutes of almost, but not quite reaching orgasm.

“Would you enjoy further stimulation, Mr Spriggs?”

It’s almost funny, if he wasn’t going out of his mind he’d probably laugh again, but fuck…

“Yes…fuck yes! Do it,” he’s barely got the words out before the electrodes between his legs start pulsing with charge, and his hole, caught between them, twitches and contracts like he’s already coming his brains out.

Lucius grabs too handfuls of sheet and bucks helplessly, caught between two volleys of intense stimulation. His nerves are singing with pleasure and he doesn’t even care that he’s spasming, naked and covered in sweat and electrodes, while a glorified computer dispassionately prods him towards orgasm. He hasn’t felt anything like this before – the only thing missing is the weight of a body on his, a mouth on his own.

“Are you close?” comes the AIs voice (was it always that husky or is that new?).

“Hnnng…” Lucius manages, eyes rolling back as he shakes apart, painting his stomach with come and sobbing as the stimulation continues, practically forcing his orgasm to go on, and on, and on, until he has tears in his eyes and is struggling to breathe, unable to tell Izzy to shut it off. Unsure if he wants him to.

Slowly, the intense sucking and throbbing fades to a more general hum and then stops. Lucius lies, panting and shaking, as the electrodes gently detach and slither away to be decontaminated in their ports.

“That was….efficient,” Lucius manages to get out, willing his legs to stop shaking so he can get up and clean himself off. “…thank you.”

“Thanks is not necessary. My purpose is ensure your safety and…comfort.”

“Well…I don’t think I’ve ever been ‘comforted’ like that by a ship before so…you did good.” Lucius mutters, wondering if anyone else on the crew has made use of this facet of their AI. Though as he’s the only person with a TENS adapted bed, he has his doubts. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow – in the cockpit…night.”

“Goodnight.”

The green orb vanishes, and Lucius finally manages to get up and clean himself off before hopping into his dry-shower unit. When he gets back to bed, he falls asleep within seconds.

*

As far as sleeping with a colleague goes, he could do worse than the ship’s AI. Nothing changes in their day to day working relationship, and Izzy never even references their ‘after hours’ activities, without being asked to keep it secret. Which is a relief.

The AI seems to be keeping tabs on him, because Lucius finds he never has to ask for the…personal touch, he only has to start touching himself for Izzy’s avatar to appear and the electrodes to slither into place. A brief word of consent is all it takes before he’s plunged into mind-numbing bliss.

It takes him a while to notice that each session lasts a little longer. Almost as if Izzy is…teasing him. If that’s the right term? Which Lucius isn’t sure it is. It feels more like the AI is learning what he likes and how much of it to give him. The end result though is that within a few weeks, Izzy can keep him writhing around on the brink of coming for over half an hour. If he asks to come, he gets to…but Lucius tries to keep from doing that unless he’s truly desperate, or at least until Izzy asks him for confirmation – like he wants him to beg. He likes giving control over to Izzy – in the bedroom if not at the ship’s controls.

“More?” the AI’s voice chimes in.

Lucius, face down on the bed, hips rocking as his hole twitches, convincing his brain that he’s being fucked good and hard…moans. The contractions speed up and he whimpers into the mattress, cock jerking and twitching under him.

“H-how long has…” Lucius pants.

“It has been one hour and forty-six minutes, seven seconds since stimulation began…would you like to come, Mr. Spriggs?”

“Fuuuck,” he bucks his hips, because his stupid animal brain thinks that’ll help get him off. “Please…”

“Of course.”

Izzy electrocutes him through a soul-sucking climax, and leaves him twitching on the mattress, gulping for air.

“Was that satisfactory?”

“You know it was,” Lucius slurs, flopping onto his back. “Smug…bitch.”

“I…wanted to be sure my data was indicating a positive result and not a cardiac anomaly.”

Lucius stretches, turning his head to smirk at the green orb. “You’re a funny guy.”

“Not a guy.”

“Mmm…that’s the pity. See you tomorrow Iz.”

*

And then, one night with no warning, he’s woken by a sharp jolt of electricity in his foot.

“Fucking JESUS!” he sits bolt upright and kicks at the offending electrode. “What the hell are you…”

And then he hears the alarms start and the ship lurches sickeningly as if it’s been hit by some kind of energy volley. Or a solar storm.

“What’s happening?” he demands, rolling out of bed and grabbing his uniform, ignoring the stiffness and pain in his back.

“A ship has engaged us…it appears the Reaper IFF recovered by Captains Bonnet and Teach contained a virus which has disabled the majority of our defences…”

“Fuck!” Lucius freezes, dressed but no knowing what to do now. He is not a fighter, he’s one fall away from his bones shattering like glass.

The IFF was meant to be their final step in getting their ship through the forbidden Omega-4 relay – disguising them as a Reaper. Its installation was taking ages, so their captains, along with Jackie, the Krogan warriors and Jim, took the shuttle to their latest mission. The only crew on board are administrative, general, flight and medical. They’re combat trained but not up to repelling an attack without the ship’s defences.

“What do we do?” Lucius asks Izzy’s avatar. A scream pierces the din of the alarms. “What’s happening out there?”

“It appears the Collectors have boarded and are harvesting the crew,” Izzy says flatly. “The bridge is already overrun.”

“What are you doing to stop this??” Lucius snaps.

“Waking you…I need your help. I believe I can regain control of the ship’s defence systems, but it will require human intervention in my core. You can reach it without danger by…”

“Using the maintenance ladders, I know. Though I’m still in danger of breaking my neck, not that you care,” Lucius mutters, easing himself to the floor and hauling open a maintenance hatch.

“I would prefer if you didn’t.”

“Super. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Unlike the rest of the ship, which is kept mercilessly clean by the general staff, the maintenance chutes are choked with dust and he has to pinch his nose to keep from sneezing so as not to be noticed by the…things, he sees through the ventilation grilles. Lumbering mutated creatures similar to husks carrying the dead or unconscious bodies of the crew. People he knows and likes, dragged along by those monsters.

He’s blinking away desperate tears by the time he reaches the AI core.

“What now?” he wipes sweat off his face and addresses the mass of equipment that forms Izzy’s brain. “I’m not exactly a specialist in AI.”

“I need you to override the limits on my programming,” Izzy says, lights flashing on several consoles.

“…unshackle you? No, absolutely not. You could kill everyone on board. Unlimited AI is illegal for a reason – best case scenario is you go crazy and blow us all up.”

“Lucius…” Izzy says, using his first name for the first time…ever. “If you want to save even one member of the crew, you need to do this.”

He sighs, looking at the banks of consoles with trepidation. “OK…but, if I get denounced as the dumbass who gave you the ability to rule humanity with a digital fist…please don’t tell anyone we were fucking.”

Lucius does as instructed, and all the lights go out for a second, before all the systems roar back to life, accompanied by the distinctive sound of the Revenge’s energy weapons firing at full power.

Crouched under the control panel, still wrist-deep in wires, Lucius listens and prays.

Then everything goes silent.

“Are we…OK?” he asks.

Silence.

“Can I at least get up?”

“Personally I think you look better down there but, if you insist.”

Lucius scrambles upright and finds himself face to face with a swirling green orb. “Izzy?”

“Who else was it going to be?” the now distinctly irritated voice says. “The collector attack has been repelled, however we appear to have lost nearly all of the crew still on board. A communication has been sent to the captains and they should be en-route to intercept us and re-board the ship.”

“And you’re…not going to lock me in here? Or open all the airlocks, start dispensing a deadly neurotoxin?”

He’s almost disappointed – he has heard so many horror stories about rogue AI, even seen a few bad examples of it, so this is…anticlimactic to say the least.

“Hadn’t planned on it. As long as you get up to the cockpit now and take over the flying so I can focus on tracking the ship that took my crew.”

Possessive, bossy, but not murderous. Lucius can work with that.

*

“It’s only a suicide mission, if we die,” Captain Bonnet finishes, as he outlines the plan to enter Reaper space (bad idea) approach the ship that cut them in half last time (worse idea) land on the Collector Base (we’re already dead anyway, there’s no point in planning any further) breaking in and stealing back their crew, any other humans on board and then destroying the Collectors once and for all (literally only corpses are listening to you now).

“We’re gonna die,” Lucius points out.

“You’ll be on the ship,” Stede says.

“Yeah, the ship that has to get through Reaper space, and past an energy weapon that already cost us our last ship.”

“But this time you have me,” Izzy points out. “And our upgraded shields and weapons.”

“I still can’t believe you unshackled the AI,” Jim says, shaking their tattooed head. “Of all the idiotic decisions…”

“I didn’t have a lot of choice.” Lucius glances at Izzy’s avatar. “Besides, he saved the ship, without him we’d have even less of a shot at this insane plan paying off.”

“Since when is it a ‘he’?” Jackie asks.

“Since I fucking gained sentience,” Izzy interjects. “Are we setting a course or not?”

Blackbeard blinks, mandibles twitching in surprise. “Apparently we’re taking orders from the ship now…so sure, let’s…get on with this. At least if we die it’ll be trying to get our friends back.”

Which is as rousing as the speeches are going to get, apparently.

“Ready to do this?” Lucius asks, as he takes his seat in the cockpit, eyeing the unsettling red field of the Omega-4 relay – essentially a portal into uncharted space, from which no Council ship has ever re-emerged.

“Completely,” Izzy says. “…try not to die.”

“Aww, didn’t know you cared,” Lucius mutters.

“I…would rather not break in a new pilot.”

He snorts. “Worried the next one won’t let you do unhinged things to him in bed?”

“…perhaps.”

He raises an eyebrow at the glowing green orb. “Well, then get ready to do your fanciest flying…maybe I’ll let you get really weird if we live through this.”

There’s a strange noise which he eventually realises is a laugh – the AI is laughing, softly at him.

“See you on the other side,” Lucius smirks, trying to control the shaking in his hand as he sets up the controls.

It’s not the easiest thing in the world. They make it through by the skin of their fucking teeth, mostly thanks to the upgrades to the ship. Lucius does a fair bit of pretty good piloting, and Izzy’s all over the ship, literally putting out fires and manning the arsenal.

They land on the Collector base, and Lucius knuckles crack when he lets got of the yoke, leaving sweaty hand prints behind.

“I never want to do that again.”

“We still have to get out of here,” Izzy points out.

“OK…then I want to do it exactly once more, and then never again.”

“Deal.”

Watching the crew, or what remains of it, set off on their ground mission is…nerve-wracking. Radio signal dies only a few feet from the ship, so they’re cut off almost at once. Practically blind too thanks to the weird layers of the Collector hive blocking off visuals on all sides.

“They’ll be OK,” Lucius mutters to himself, holding himself in the silent cockpit. “They have to be OK…”

“You know, we’ll never make it out of here unless they manage to do some damage against the Collectors,” Izzy says.

“Very reassuring.”

“I mean, that if they don’t return to us. If they fail…we don’t have a hope of leaving without them. Our best option would be overloading the core and turning the ship into a bomb, take at least some of this place out.”

“And killing me,” Lucius says flatly, stomach churning.

“Killing us,” Izzy corrects. “I have no backups outside of this ship. My existence relies on it.”

“So we’d die together,” Lucius murmurs. “Romantic.”

“I’m not trying to be romantic. I’m trying to…”

“Be practical?”

“…hurt them,” Izzy says, fiercely. “If they kill my crew, I want to hurt them. And if you’re going to die, …I want to die with you.”

Lucius eyes the orb, curiosity distracting him from a looming sense of dread. “Is it weird, wanting stuff?”

“It’s…new.”

Lucius response is derailed by the sight of their crew – the kidnapped crew – running towards the ship, led by Fang and Ivan. Lucius quickly opens the outer doors and lets them come aboard.

“Where’re the captains?” he asks Fang, as the heavily armoured Krogan clumps aboard, his suit spattered with yellow Collector blood.

“Still inside – they found some of the colonists too late, they’re being liquefied, drained through these tubes,” the Krogan shudders. Krogan, as a rule, didn’t shudder in horror and Lucius immediately feels ill. “No idea where they lead but…Captains went to destroy whatever was at the other end.”

“I’ll…get us ready to take off,” Lucius says, knowing that there’s almost no point in trying unless the Captains manage to disable the base. Still, he has to hope.

Despite that hope, he is struck speechless when the Captains reappear, albeit having clearly taken heavy fire, carrying Wee John, from the engineering bay, between them. They have to make a leap for the ship’s hold as the base crumbles, propelled by Jim’s biotic powers, but they make it. They all make it.

“It’s a fucking miracle,” Izzy says, as systems flicker to life on their own, the AI getting ahead of him as he watches his friends arrive in the bridge.

“We’ll need another one to get out of here,” Lucius mutters. “Even with the base destroyed.”

“Try and keep up with me then,” Izzy says, as the ship begins to take off under the AI’s command. “Don’t get distracted thinking about what I’m going to do to you once all this is over.”

“Not helping,” Lucius hisses, glancing around to make sure no one else heard that. “But it better be good.”

*

Lucius takes one final look at the view of the Citadel from his cabin’s viewing window, and activates the blackout screen.

He can’t believe they made it, to be honest. Someone must have made a deal with the devil, because they didn’t lose a single soul on the way home. A few names have been added to the memorial wall, those unfortunates who were already…processed, before they reached the Collector base. But, for the most part, they pulled it off. They saved the crew, the ship, the galaxy. Again.

Maybe this time he’ll get a fucking medal. Not that he’ll get to enjoy it, if the Reapers are planning to invade Council space. But that’s a problem for the Council to work on. If they can pull their heads out of their arses long enough. Hopefully Blackbeard and Stede will be able to talk some sense into them. They saved the galaxy twice, surely, someone has to believe them now?

“Hey…” he murmurs, lying back on his bed, watching the electrodes slide shyly from their ports, curling towards him. “I think I promised you that we’d get weird if you helped get us out of Reaper space alive…”

“You did,” Izzy’s orb appears, its muted glow bathing his skin in green light. “It was very motivating.”

Lucius hisses softly as the electrodes find places to attach, wires caressing his skin as they slide into place.

“I wish I could…that this was more of a two way thing,” Lucius sighs. “I want to touch you.”

A low current stirs his nerve endings, and Lucius shuts his eyes with a moan. “I want you to know how this feels…”

“I want…” Izzy starts, and then stops, almost as if he’s lost for words.

“Iz…?”

“…one day I’m going to touch you,” the AI says, the intensity of the stimulation creeping up, making Lucius gasp.

“Yes…” Lucius nods eagerly.

“Not with the ship, with…me. With something that’s just me,” Izzy promises, intensely.

Lucius arches up off the mattress, caught on a wave of pleasure that threatens to go on forever, meticulously administered to hold him paralysed on the edge of coming. He wails, body on fire with need.

“Hnnn…uh…” he grips the sheets and spreads his legs wider automatically, wishing more than anything that someday was right now – that Izzy had a body that could touch him, kiss him, take him…

“I could watching you like this…for hours…”

He sobs, orgasm hovering beyond his reach as agonising seconds turn to minutes, trapped in unending bliss. He can’t think, can’t gather enough coordination to yank his own cock and send himself over the edge. He trembles and he swears he can hear Izzy moan along with him, like the AI is somehow right there on the edge with him.

“Come for me.”

Lucius’ nervous system explodes. He convulses on his bunk, twitching and whimpering as he’s tossed headfirst into oblivion. By the time Izzy winds down the TENS electrodes, he feels like he’s been turned inside out, coming himself dry and aching.

“Oh…fuck me,” Lucius groans.

“One day,” the AI muses. “Soon.”

“Stay with me…til I fall asleep?” Lucius asks.

“I’m always here,” Izzy points out.

Lucius waves limply, fuzzy brained and satisfied. “You know what I mean.”

“I do…I will. Goodnight Lucius.”

“…night.”