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There was something to be said about getting famous and rich. About dying young when you were still beautiful instead of waiting till you were old and withered. Wasn’t that the whole point of being in a band and being a rockstar was that you had access to all the shit in the world, live it up, then die young? To be forever immortalized with the reputation that you’ve built through your music, through the partying, the drugs, whatever your heart desires?
Fuck that. That was all poetic shit. Nicole wasn’t a poetic person. Yeah, sure, like, half of the songs she had written ever since they formed the band were about Jecka. That was poetic shit that she didn’t want to and didn’t feel like ever unpacking. So, she’d write her songs about Jecka ghosting her, how much it hurt, and would move on.
It was different, now that they were getting gigs and venues to play. When they first put out Meth Eater, their debut album, it was so underwhelming that Nicole thought about fucking giving up right then and there. It took a mix of Emily and Ari to convince her to keep going, that it wouldn’t take off overnight and she’d have to keep writing songs. She’d have to keep working at it. Then, when they finished producing Glory Hole. Things changed very quickly. Suddenly, they were making a name for themselves. Gigs were getting easier to score. Bigger and bigger locations, bigger and bigger stages. They were no longer the shitty opening band at a local bar and were the only ones playing for live music.
Now, they were at one of the biggest venues they played. Not quite a full-on arena tour or shit. They weren’t even leaving the coast. But, they were traveling beyond just their state, so it was something. After releasing Train Ride at Midnight, they were getting traction in ways they weren’t expecting. Going beyond Seattle to play any sort of gigs was already exciting in some fucking way, but now also going to Oregon, California… She’d be able to see more than beyond where she just lived. Ari and Emily couldn’t have been happier. Nicole just wanted to say fuck it and lock herself in her apartment.
So, they had set off, down to Southern California. Played show after show, building up their fanbase. Emily and Ari worked their merch booth while Nicole locked herself in their hotel room, bass in hand, working on their next album. Writing through her notebooks, putting each pain and feeling down into words so she could forget how much the blonde wronged her.
They worked their way along the coast, back North towards home. Eventually, Emily cornered Nicole as they were somewhere in Oregon.
“Bitch, you need to be down with us at some point to sign CDs and shit. You’re kinda, you know, the singer for the band and shit?” Emily mentioned, leaning against the door frame to the bathroom of their motel room.
“Why? You and Ari have it handled. I don’t need to do shit there.” She was adjusting her hair in the mirror, tucking back the last few stray strands, and doing finishing touches on the bare necessities of makeup.
“Because people also want to know who they’re listening to. Just do it like, a few times? You don’t have to do it every time, but you need to do a couple.”
Nicole glanced at Emily through the mirror, the blonde wearing a shirt with sleeves that had been hastily chopped off and ripped skinny jeans. A dangling necklace with spare pics attached to it. “There’s not much of a need for it, Emily. They can see me on stage and shit. We already have to do meet and greets with people who bought VIPs for the bigger bands. What’s the point?”
Emily sighed. “Look. Do a few merch tables at the next few shows and I’ll make it worth the time, alright?”
“And how are you gonna do that, bitch? You spend half of your time when you’re not playing locking lips with Ari.”
Emily raised an eyebrow. “You pay attention to shit? Wow, I’m surprised. Guess you don’t wanna try doing blow with your best friend.”
That got Nicole’s attention. She turned, facing Emily now, leaning against the sink. “You have some? How’d you even manage to find it out here?”
“We’re rockstars bitch.” Emily smirked. “The more popular we get, the easier it becomes to do whatever we please. Now, are you gonna do this shit with me or not? Because if I spent that much money on it just to be doing it by myself, I’m gonna be pissed at how trashy I look.”
“What about Ari? Isn't she gonna chew you out and scold you for it or something?” Nicole raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “Because I don’t wanna deal with her fucking worrying over us right before we’re gonna play a show.”
“If we do it fast enough, she won’t know, right?” Emily shrugged and turned, making her way back towards the main part of the room. “She’s loading the van right now, so if we’re doing this, now is the time to do it!”
Emily could be convincing when she wanted to be. In the most fucked ways possible. But, she had also been a relatively ok friend ever since Jecka left her. So. She’d take what she could get and deal with the rest of the bullshit the same way that she always did. Get extremely high and write music. When she walked into the room, she wasn’t expecting Emily to have the bag already out, the card sitting on a tray, and everything ready to go. Jesus, Emily wasn’t fucking around on this.
“Jesus, you weren’t fucking around with this shit, were you? Do you even know what you’re doing?” She asked, sitting down on the bed opposite of where Emily was.
“Yeah? It’s no different than crushing up pills and snorting them. Just a different kind of high.” Emily grabbed the card and started casually cutting the lines like she was an expert at this. It was easy to forget how fucking hardcore Emily could be when half the time she was wrapped around Ari, giggling and laughing.
She divided each line out, then looked up at Nicole and grinned. “Ready?”
She was always ready for drugs. Just not ones that made you hyper. But, they had a show to play and now she would have to interact with people, so…
— —
Cocaine had an interesting high. It wasn’t quite what movies and TV shows made it out to be. It was energetic, but not something that made you do insane shit. It did make you have more energy than you did sober. Everything seemed slightly more vibrant. But, it truly was a party drug. It made loosening up much easier. Now sitting in the back of the van while Ari drove them to the venue, Emily in the passenger seat, Nicole had her bass in hand and was strumming it to a quick pace.
Emily was constantly tapping her fingers against the dash. Her leg was bouncing. And she wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
“So we have this show, then two more around Seattle, then the one in Seattle, right?” She was talking faster than normal. Stumbling slightly over her words. It was enough to earn a glance from Ari.
“Yeah? Not very many left… Are you feeling ok, Emily? You’re like… extremely hyper compared to normal. Did you take your Adderall like you needed?”
“Yeah, I did! I took it and some other shit too, just to help take the edge off!” She was grinning. Nicole was now ready to choke Emily out.
Ari narrowed her eyes, glancing up in the rearview at Nicole as she continued driving. “What else did you guys take? Because the both of you took it with how hyper you both are.”
They were near the venue. They could bullshit long enough to get inside and put on the concert, then deal with Ari later. She didn’t want to kill her high already before the show had even started. If this was how good she felt, she could do this before every show, no problem. If it made her feel less fucking wired, less crazy and thought less about how fucking annoyed she was to have to talk to people, this would be a piece of cake.
Emily was giggling. Ari kept glancing back and forth between the two as she parked the van. They luckily had time to set everything up earlier in the day, since they were one of the first bands playing on the actual stage and not on the side. Ari shifted the van into park, then turned and looked at the both of them. “Seriously. What did you guys take?”
“Does it matter, Ari? It’s gonna help us perform better. And I feel fucking great. So, can we drop this till after the fucking show?” Nicole shot at her, putting her bass into the case and sliding the zipper closed. She opened the door to the back of the van and stepped out, slinging the instrument onto her back, already pushing forward into the venue’s backdoor.
The sound of a decent crowd of people was already drifting its way backstage. People were running around, getting the final touches on everything. Ari’s drums were already sitting on stage. Emily’s guitar sat on a stand close to the actual stage itself, just slightly out of view. She took a deep breath, steadying herself for another show. Another release. Another way to vent out her frustrations and try to let go of her now ex-best friend.
The annoying part about doing any sort of drugs was that it also gave her mind the ability to wander before every show. There wasn’t anything to keep her sidetracked anymore. The moments of waiting until it was time to go on stage. Like every time, it fucking wandered to Jecka. And, because it was a stimulant instead of a depressant, her mind wandered far. Fast.
Did Jecka ever think about her the same way Nicole did? Did Jecka even think about how she willingly fucking threw Nicole away? That she just dumped her like a fucking prom night date? Did Jecka ever listen to their music and realize that every fucking painful lyric, every fucking line was about her?
She jumped slightly when someone grabbed her arm. Glancing over and seeing red hair shouldn’t surprise her, but it did. Ari looked pissed. Emily was standing behind her, grinning, eyes dilated as fuck. “You guys did fucking cocaine? ” Ari hissed. “What the fuck Nicole!”
“Relax, Ari.” Nicole attempted to pull her arm away, but the drummer held fast.
“It’s not something to just relax about! We already had to talk about your fucking pill problem once!” Ari glanced back at Emily, then once again at Nicole. “Why the fuck didn’t you say anything when I asked you?!”
“Because I knew you’d react like this and I didn’t want it to kill my fucking high!” Nicole shot back. “I fucking feel good this way, Ari. I don’t feel as fucking miserable and shitty!”
Ari tensed and let go of Nicole’s arm, sighing. “I wish you both would fucking listen to me when I say that I care about you two and that doing a shit ton of drugs is not the fucking way to deal with this, Nicole!”
Nicole could feel the pressure in her head building. The feeling of some kind of emotion, probably anger, was building in her chest. She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by one of the stagehands: “Meth Eaters? You guys are on in two.”
Ari pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. “We’re not done talking about this shit.” She then started walking onto the stage, grabbing the bag of sticks and taking them towards her drums. The venue lowered the lights and some people had started to cheer. Emily was still grinning. She was walking over, grabbing her guitar, and shouldering it as Nicole unpacked her bass.
“You ready to fuck this shit up?” Emily asked as Nicole was adjusting her strap and making sure it was in tune one last time.
“Never am.” She grumbled back.
She heard a few symbol clashes as Ari was warming up. A few test kicks of the bass drum. Emily was walking out now, striking the first chord on her guitar. She heard another round of cheers, this time louder, as Emily approached her mic. Normally, they’d trail right into their first song. Bridge into the second. Then, they introduce themselves. But, maybe Emily wanted to switch things up. Or Ari being pissed had brought in a different atmosphere than before. The drugs probably heightened it all.
Emily wrapped her hands around the mic, grinning wide. “What’s up, fuckers?” Which immediately caused the audience to start cheering. “We are Meth Eaters and we’re gonna fuck your night up !”
Nicole glanced at Ari, who, thankfully, played into Emily’s high energy despite how confused she was, and hit a few different parts of her kit, building the crowd up.
“We just put out our new album Train Ride at Midnight, so check it the fuck out. This song is on that album, it's called…. Bloodsucker.”
Another loud cheer. Emily started strumming, the aggressive sound filling the room. Ari started her work, the drums building in intensity as the opening bridge started. Nicole took a deep breath. Her hands reached down fingers forming on the fretboard. Her other hand reached down and she started walking forward onto the stage.
The light was blinding and hot. Hundreds of sets of eyes fell upon her as she made her way towards her mic stand, fingers plucking the bass strings like it was her lifeline. Each pluck was a piece of her soul fixing itself temporarily. Each chord is a temporary fix to her shattered heart. And suddenly, the hurt poured out of her in the lyrics she spent so much time writing, so much effort crafting.
“You fucking bloodsucker!” She let out. “All the time we spent and you took from me! All the years we planned, stolen out from under me! You left me here, wounded and bleeding!” She felt Emily beside her, leaning against her as the two played. This was better than any form of therapy could. It was fleeting at best, but she’d soak up every moment she could before then. “You broke my heart. You’re nothing but a, a bloodsucker, bloodsucker!”
— —
She was drenched in sweat. The crowd was going nuts. Emily looked like she was ready to die of heat stroke, the ever-present grin on her face. Ari was flushed behind them, hands still on her sticks. All three of them were panting.
The crowd was cheering for an encore. They weren’t even the headlining band, but yet, they wanted more. More of them. More Meth Eaters.
They want more of my pain and suffering .
Fuck it. We’ll give it to them. Nicole grasped the mic stand, the other hand holding the neck of her bass. “So… you guys want one fucking more, huh?” Her question was answered with a roar of applause. “Alright… We’ll give you one fucking more.” she moved away from the mic, walking to Emily.
“What are we playing?” The blonde asked.
“Let’s give them something new…” Nicole grinned. Emily nodded and grinned back.
Fuck, maybe Coke was this fucking good. If it had Nicole fucking smiling on stage. She turned and looked at Ari. Follow my lead .
She turned back, giving her bass a few test strums as she made her way back to her mic. “This song is entirely new. We haven’t played it once yet publicly, so. Feel fucking special or some shit. This is "I'm Exhausted But I Can’t Sleep.”
She started strumming on bass, Emily soon chiming in on her guitar. Ari started the steady backdrop beat. But this song? This song was all Nicole.
“It’s fucking 3 am and I can’t sleep again. Thinking about all the places we’ve been.” The emotions spilled out. But for once, they weren’t coming from a place of anger. They were coming from a place of hurt, a place of mourning. And fuck, if the crowd didn’t eat it the fuck up. “I'm so fucking exhausted thinking about you. Looking at our messages as I’m reaching the bottom of a bottle. Lost track of the hours as I stared off into nothing and pretended that you were still there. The smell of smoke hits and I fucking spiral, wondering why you’re no longer here!”
She couldn’t tell if there were tears in her eyes or sweat. They stung, but the show had to go on. She worked too hard building everything up to this moment. Emily was ready. Ari was ready. The crowd was ready.
“Because I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep! Feeling like I’m pulling out my teeth! I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep! Why won’t my mind just let. Me. Dream!”
— —
They sold more CDs that night than they had throughout the tour. Ari had to do most of the talking for them as Nicole and Emily were starting to crash from the intense high. The rest of the night at the venue was a blur. Nicole couldn’t remember much besides laying in the van, staring up at the roof of it, bass cradled in her arms.
“Think Ari is gonna be a bitch when we get back to the hotel room?”
“Who cares? That was the best show we’ve ever played. We should start doing more drugs before shows, not less.”
“If we do that, you’re either gonna start sobbing on stage or we’re gonna overdose. But, I’m still down for it anyways.”
“It’s doing drugs. Why wouldn’t you be?”
“Ari.”
Nicole felt that similar pang of jealousy. Good for Ari and Emily for whatever gross, weird-ass situationship they probably had. But, it didn't help her think any less of Jecka, either. Whatever…
“I should beat both of you senseless for lying to me and doing this,” Ari spoke up, standing just outside the van’s doors. “If we didn’t make as much money as we did, I would be.”
“But, we sold out our stock of CDs we had on hand. So you’re gonna congratulate us instead of being pissed, right?” Nicole raised her head, the headache greeting her and forcing her to return to lying down fully.
“Just because we sold out of CDs doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, Nicole. If this shit winds up as bad as your pill addiction was right out of high school, it’s gonna fucking end badly… “
“It’s not going to, Ari. It won't be that bad. I’ll keep it under control.”
“God, I know you’re fucking lying, but I’m too tired to argue with your stubborn ass…” Ari sighed. “Let’s get back to the motel already so I can shower and sleep.”
— —
Nicole lay there in her bed, staring at the darkness above her. The sound of Ari and Emily snoring quietly in unison in the other bed. She was exhausted and yet, she couldn’t sleep. She should be happy, excited, and feel some sort of sense of accomplishment or something. All she felt instead was vast emptiness. She was ready to sleep forever, but it’d never come.
So, she sat up, grabbed the newest notebook with her name, and scribbled away.