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“Picture this: it’s our first date. The moment’s right, lights are low, we’ve got romantic bassoon playing, and we’re gonna kiss. She leans in… and her breath reeks. I’m talking week-old sewage. She musta gargled with skunk juice or something, ’cause—”
Pepe and Rizzo’s chortles carried across the room. Scooter sighed, slouching down in his chair. He didn’t understand why they were so jubilant over sharing stories about their worst kisses. If it was him, he’d keep all that to himself. But that was the conversation Pepe and Rizzo chose, and he certainly wasn’t gonna ask them to change the subject. No, he was quite happy where he was, eating lunch with Walter sitting right next to him.
“Listen to mine, okay?” Pepe wiped a tear from his eye. “So this guy says ‘I wanna kiss you,’ and I think, yeah, no one’s gonna turn down a good kiss, okay. So I go for it, and he starts slobbering like a Saint Bernard. There’s drool spilling onto the floor, he needed to mop it up when we left—I know I am a prawn, but that does not mean I want to swim away from a kiss.”
“No! God, those guys are the worst—”
“And when he was done, he managed to slip on the floor in his own drool. It was so pathetic, okay.”
Rizzo stopped cackling for long enough to scan the room. Scooter flinched at the weight of that beady gaze. “Hey, hey Scooter. What’s your worst kiss?”
Scooter stiffened. “Uh. Me?”
“Si, si. A guy like you has to have at least one lame story, okay.”
“A guy like me—”
“Don’t deny it!” Rizzo said.
Scooter licked his lips. The trouble was, they were wrong—he didn’t have a bad kiss story to tell, because he’d never kissed a guy in his life. But admitting that would make him look ridiculously uncool, and in front of Walter, no less. “I don’t have to share it with you. That’s my private business, and you have no right—”
“Ah, I get it.” Rizzo smirked. “Too much of a coward to tell us, huh?”
Scooter’s face burned. There was simply no good way out of this situation. “I’m not. I’m just—I’ve kissed so many people, there’s no way I could pick out a worst one.”
“Then tell us one of your worse ones.”
A soft hand on Scooter’s knee caught his attention. Walter stared at him, eyes wide. “C’mon, Scooter.”
“Oh.” Scooter gulped. If Walter wanted to hear about a time he’d embarrassed himself… well, that was a little different, wasn’t it? He could come up with something…
Wait a minute. It didn’t have to be a story that embarrassed him. It just had to be his worst kiss.
With that reframing, he flashed a confident smile, reminiscent of his teenage years. “So. I met this guy at a bar, and he was pretty cute, so I asked if he wanted to go back to my place—”
“He’s lying,” Rizzo whispered loudly.
Scooter flushed. He stayed calm, though; Walter’s eyes had only widened. He could still save this. “We made out for a while, and then he revealed that he was an assassin. Someone had called a hit out on me, and he’d been sent there to take me home and kill me.”
Walter gasped. “No!”
“Yes. But then—get this—he said that because I was so good at kissing, he’d fallen in love with me, and he didn’t want to murder me anymore.”
“Thought this was supposed to be your worst kiss, okay.”
“But then—a voice in his earpiece. He had to kill me, or else someone else was gonna kill him. And so, he gave me a gun. It’d be a fair fight, he said. We’d duel to the death, and whoever walked away would be free as a bird.”
Rizzo snorted derisively, but Walter was eating out of the palm of his hand.
“Wow, so what happened next, Scooter? Who won?” Walter asked.
“Well.” Scooter smiled at him, heart fluttering a little bit. “I’m standing here today. Who do you think won?”
The room fell into a shocked silence.
A few seconds later, Pepe started a slow clap. “Great job. Great job. Amazing story. Now tell me one that I’ll actually believe, okay.”
Scooter flushed. His face was hot, but he had to look cool in front of Walter. “That’s the only story you’re getting from me. Take it or leave it.”
“Wow, Scooter, that was incredible!” Walter said breathlessly. He flashed a bright smile. “You nearly got murdered when you tried to kiss someone—I can’t believe it!”
“You and me both,” Rizzo muttered. Scooter shot him a dirty look.
“You’re so cool,” Walter said, and gosh darn it if Scooter’s heart didn’t flutter just a little more at those words. “I could listen to you tell stories for ages.”
Pepe rolled his eyes. “I could listen to your weird flirting for about three seconds, okay.”
“So, uh… what about you?” Scooter asked hesitantly. “What’s your worst kiss story?”
Walter’s smile fell. He looked down at the table, cheeks turning red. “I, uh… I don’t have one.”
“Hey, just make something up,” Rizzo said. “’Cause apparently that’s what we’re doing now.”
“Don’t have one? How can you not have one?” Scooter asked.
“I’ve…” Walter looked away. “I’ve never actually… kissed someone.”
“What?” Scooter couldn’t believe it. Walter was the most gorgeous guy in the whole company. How could he never have kissed someone before? Men were practically lining up the streets for a chance to kiss him—not him, of course, but everyone else.
“Yeah. It just… never really came up, I guess.”
“No mistletoe? No spin the bottle? No nothing?”
“Nope.” Walter pasted on a smile. “But it’s fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“Hey, it doesn’t matter if you haven’t kissed somebody, you can just lie, okay,” Pepe muttered. “Cause that’s what we’re doing now.”
“I…” The longer Scooter stared at those luscious lips, the more he had a thought in his mind. He couldn’t quite figure out what the thought was. Walter… kissing… he had something to do with it, but… what? His thoughts had been put through the spin cycle. Walter stared back, biting his lower lip in the most adorable way known to man.
Rizzo chuckled from somewhere far away. “Think someone wants to be his first.”
“No kidding,” Pepe said. “Ooh, this is good…”
Scooter licked his lips, forcing his brain to kick back into gear. “Okay! Well, uh, it’s been… nice chatting with you all, but I should get back to work.”
“Yeah, I bet you do,” Rizzo said.
“Uh—” Scooter stood up abruptly. A few drops of coffee spilled out of his mug and splashed onto his hoodie, but he ignored it. He had to get out. “Nice seeing ya. Bye.”
Once he made it back to his desk, he wondered why his heart was pounding so strongly. Walter’s admission had been shocking, sure, but it shouldn’t have sent him into a tailspin like this. Scooter couldn’t think of anything else, other than that sweet, shy smile, those gorgeous eyes, and those perfect, endlessly kissable lips…
Think someone’s thinking about being his first.
Being his first.
His first.
Scooter frowned. Why were Rizzo’s words running through his head? Being Walter’s first kiss—gosh, that did sound nice, but—but he was Walter. He was a friend. Friends didn’t kiss each other. That was what boyfriends did. So why couldn’t Scooter stop thinking about kissing Walter senseless?
He sighed. If only there was a way for him to kiss Walter, but platonically… oh! An idea popped into his head with a ‘ding!’ It could work, as long as Walter agreed to it.
He smiled softly and got back to work.
“You’ve really never kissed anyone?”
Walter jumped, nearly dropping his cup of coffee. “Oh! Hi, Scooter! I, uh, didn’t see you there—”
Scooter stared at him, waiting for a response. His brain had been on overdrive ever since he’d gotten the idea, and he’d barely slept two hours since.
“I, uh…” Walter chuckled nervously. “No. I haven’t. It’s… kinda stupid, huh? I mean, you’ve, uh, kissed so many people, and I…”
“It’s not stupid,” Scooter said. “It’s just… it sucks that you haven’t had that experience yet.”
“It’s not that big a deal.”
“It is, though. Kissing’s so fun, and—”
“I’m okay.” Walter smiled at him. “Thanks for worrying about me, but… I don’t really care about whether I’ve kissed anyone. I’m just happy where I am—”
“I could show you.”
Walter froze. His mouth fell open, and he stared at Scooter, eyes wide.
“I, uh—it’d be… for practice,” Scooter said. “For fun. Not to—as a friend, you see. I wanna just… help you out. So you have the experience—I mean, I’m so good at kissing, and I could show you—”
Walter was still staring at him. He closed his mouth, then opened it again, then closed it. Scooter had a feeling that the lightest touch would tip Walter over.
“It won’t mean anything,” he said quickly. “Just… as friends. As practice. Friendly practice. I’m sorry, this was a stupid idea—”
“No!”
Scooter stopped talking.
Walter let out a shaky breath. “Is this… is this a dream?” he breathed. “Am I… you’re not…”
“No, this isn’t a dream—I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s not a—”
“You… wanna kiss me.”
“As a friend.”
“You wanna kiss me,” Walter said. A slow smile grew on his face. “You wanna kiss me.”
Scooter relaxed slightly. Walter wasn’t immediately laughing him out of the room. “Yeah. So, uh… for practice. Do you want—I’m really good at kissing, so I can show you how to do it and you can—”
Walter nodded so eagerly, Scooter wondered if his head would fall off. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes—oh my gosh, yes!”
Scooter’s heart thrummed. He wasn’t sure why he was so invested in finally getting to kiss Walter, but he was. “Uh… good. Just for practice, though. It’s not really—there’s no feelings behind it, no strings attached.”
“Oh.” Walter’s smile dimmed a little. He shifted, running a hand through his hair. “Well, alright. If that’s what you want.”
“Yeah,” Scooter said. “I can, uh, show you how to kiss, and then you can be ready, for if you really wanna kiss someone in the future. But we can just stay friends. It’s fine, I promise.”
“Yeah.” Walter nodded, more sure of himself now. “We can stay friends. It’s fine.”
“Great.” Scooter grinned at Walter.
“So… can we start now?” Walter asked. “I’m really excited. I really really wanna kiss you—someone. I wanna have my first kiss—”
First kiss. The words rattled around in Scooter’s head. He couldn’t admit it, but it would be his first kiss too. And kissing his best friend in the middle of the office would be special enough, kinda, but it could be so much better. He could have a memory that would last a lifetime.
“Um… why don’t we wait a bit?” he suggested. “So we can make this special for you. It’s your first kiss and all.”
“Yeah, it is.” Walter grinned at him. He leaned forward a little. “I don’t mind, though. It’ll be special no matter what, if it’s with you…”
“Yeah, but—how ’bout this. This weekend, I’ll take you out on a date to the park or something. We can find a tree and… I can show you how to kiss.”
Walter’s eyes widened. “You’ll take me on a date?”
Scooter’s heart thrummed. He hadn’t meant it quite like that… well, maybe he had, a bit. He didn’t know anymore. All these thoughts were getting so confusing. “Um, yeah. But this is a one-time thing. We can kiss other times, but… but not on dates. Because that’s romantic, and this is just… friendly kissing.”
“Yeah. Friendly kissing. But that sounds good. Can you… can you text me?” Walter asked.
“Yeah, of course.”
Walter lit up. “A date. I’m going on a date with you,” he said. His hands fluttered like the wings of a flock of seabirds.
“Yeah. But just as friends?”
“Sure. If that’s what you want.” Walter floated away, whistling to himself.
Scooter scratched his head. That had gone… a lot better than expected. He hadn’t thought that Walter would be so happy at him suggesting that they kissed. He thought he’d have to do a lot more upselling to get him to agree, talking up all his experience… oh, no.
The only reason Walter agreed to kiss him was that Scooter was experienced. But Scooter wasn’t—he’d never kissed a single soul. He’d lied to Walter, and now he was going to take his first kiss, too.
A pit of dread settled in Scooter’s stomach. If Walter ever found out Scooter had lied to him, he would never want to see Scooter again. Scooter couldn’t let that happen. He’d have to take this secret to his grave.
Well, what was done was done. Scooter would just have to prepare for their first (and only, he had to keep reminding himself) date, where they would have their first (but hopefully not only) kiss.
Scooter leaned back against the park bench. A cool breeze rippled through the leaves, and a bevy of ducks quacked as they waddled along the grass.
“So.”
“So,” Walter said. “Do you wanna start now?”
“I think that would be good,” Scooter said.
“So, um… you’re the expert,” Walter said. “How should we do this?”
Expert. Scooter licked his lips. He was supposed to be the one teaching Walter, but if he was being honest, he didn’t have a clue how to kiss well. He needed to figure something out, though. At least he’d worked at Google for a bit; he’d had enough practice selling half-baked pitches to easily-impressed venture capitalists that were all too eager to fund something if he inserted the right buzzwords. But Walter was different; he wouldn’t just nod along if Scooter said the word “blockchain.”
“So, the important thing to remember is, uh, to keep focused.”
“That’s a really good tip. Keep focused on what?”
Scooter hissed. “Uh… nothing. Keep focused on nothing, stay entirely in the moment.”
“Oh, I see.” Walter nodded sagely. “I never would’ve thought of that.”
Yeah, because it was the stupidest thing Scooter had ever said in his life. He tried to remain calm. “I’m, uh, gonna kiss you, and… but first, we really need to figure out… what is a kiss?”
“Ooh. What is a kiss?”
“A kiss… some people might say that it’s just when you touch your lips to someone else’s lips, or their cheek, or their forehead, or whatever. But they’re wrong. I say that a kiss is… passion. Desire. An explosion of energy. After all, what is the Big Bang if not a kiss of the universe?”
“The Big Bang is the kiss of the universe!” Walter sucked in a gasp. “Oh my gosh, Scooter, that’s brilliant! I never would’ve—see, this is why I’m coming to you. You couldn’t get this knowledge anywhere else. Do you have anything else I should know beforehand?”
“Uh, yeah.” Scooter hoped his brow wasn’t too sweaty. “The important thing, kissing or not, is to be yourself. Don’t be too worried about what you should be doing or not doing. You gotta figure out how you’re feeling, what makes you feel the best, and what makes the other guy feel the best, too. Kissing takes time to master. You can’t expect to be perfect at it right away.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.” Walter flashed a sunny smile at him. “At least you’ve got a lot of kisses under your belt, so you can tell me what works best for you, right?”
Scooter felt a pang in his heart. “Uh… actually, the thing I’ve found above all, is that… every kiss is unique. There isn’t a right way that works for everyone. It’s a lot of trial and error, and we’ll just have to figure it out for ourselves. So pay attention, see what you like and what you don’t like. And I’ll tell you what I think.”
“Okay,” Walter said softly. “Okay. I think I’m… I’m ready.”
“Great.” Scooter gulped. The setting was right, and Walter’s eyes looked so pretty in the dappled shade of the trees. He was supposed to be the confident one, the one with experience. But he couldn’t quite work up the nerve to start.
Walter reached a hand up and traced his thumb along Scooter’s cheek, soft and delicate. The gentle brush of felt against felt sent positively electric tingles through Scooter’s body, making his heart flutter like never before. If he was feeling this good, and their lips hadn’t even touched, when they finally kissed, he would practically explode.
“So, uh, now what?” Walter breathed. He blinked slowly, and if Scooter concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel the gentle breeze caused by Walter’s eyelashes.
“Now, um… now we kiss,” Scooter said. He brushed a strand of hair out of Walter’s face. “Um, do you want me to…?”
Walter nodded. “Please.”
Scooter steeled himself. He cradled Walter’s face in his hands, then leaned forward an inch more and pressed their lips together.
Well, really, he pressed their faces together, but it just resulted in an awkward collision of noses.
Scooter pulled back, rubbing his nose. “Oof. Um… sorry.” He looked into Walter’s eyes. He’d totally spoiled the moment, all because he had such a fat beak…
“It’s okay,” Walter said, despite the way he winced in pain. “It’s okay. Really. We’ll figure it out.”
“Okay,” Scooter said. “It’s, uh… a learning experience…”
“Yeah, exactly.” Walter smiled at him. “I don’t mind a few bumps in the road if it means I get to kiss you—er, someone. I’m just really excited for my first kiss.”
Scooter nodded. “And, uh, we’ll figure it out.” He chuckled nervously. “It takes practice. Even if you’re really good at it—which I am—you can’t expect a perfect kiss on the very first try.”
“Yeah!” Walter said. He giggled a little, and he was so goshdarned cute about it that Scooter wanted to try to kiss him again. “I get it. Especially when you’re dealing with someone like me, who’s never kissed before… gosh, that must be hard for you, huh? Thank you, for… for agreeing to do this. I really appreciate it.”
Really, Scooter was the one who should be thanking him—or, as it were, probably apologizing to him for all the lies. He forced a casual smile. “It’s no problem at all. What are friends for?”
“Right. Friends.” Walter’s giggles faded away. He shifted awkwardly. “So, uh, my friend… do you wanna… do you wanna try again?”
Scooter nodded. “Maybe if I tilt my head a little, it’ll work better,” he murmured out loud. “And you could tilt the opposite way…” He angled his head experimentally, watching as Walter did the same, and… wow, that was a whole lot better. Even as he got closer, it didn’t look like their noses would collide.
“I’m gonna lean in now,” he said, brushing his hand along Walter’s cheek—if he’d liked it so much, maybe Walter would have the same reaction. Judging by the way Walter audibly shuddered, it was a good move. “Oh, and… remember, if you ever feel like this is too much, we’re going too far, say something. We can stop whenever you want.”
Walter’s lips twitched at that. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”
“Okay.” Scooter took a deep breath. He leaned forward that last fraction of an inch, and their lips connected in a sweet and tender kiss.
The world aligned like it never had before. Everything shifted under Scooter’s fingertips, and he was practically buzzing with ecstasy. Move, he told himself. You can’t just stand there like a shocked eel, you gotta do something. So he did—slowly at first, but he gently moved against Walter’s perfect lips, causing fascinating new tingles to progress through his body with every change in direction. After a moment, Walter responded in kind, and Scooter nearly exploded. This was why people kissed, he thought to himself. This was what everyone was talking about, all the rumors he’d been too hesitant to believe. He’d thought that the reports of fireworks were exaggerated, but now, sitting in an ordinary park with the cutest Muppet around, he realized that they were all true and more.
Walter sighed softly, pressing harder against Scooter. His hands found their way up into Scooter’s hair, and he tangled his fingers in Scooter’s curls, pulling with a delicious pressure bordering on pain. The leaves of the trees sighed in sympathy as a breeze stirred their branches. Feeling a burst of courage, Scooter nibbled at Walter’s lower lip. It was hard to imagine such a glorious sensation in any other place. He felt all the exhilarating rush of the very first time he’d stepped onto the Muppet Show stage.
After a few breathless moments that felt like an eternity, Scooter pulled away. He could barely draw in breath; his vision was still in a blur save for Walter, who stood out in perfect clarity. Walter’s cheeks had flushed a gorgeous peachy pink, and a bright smile bloomed upon his face. He looked positively stunning.
“So, uh, how was that?” Scooter asked. He hoped Walter had felt a fraction of the sheer wonder that he’d felt.
“That? That was wonderful—oh, Scooter! I didn’t think it would be that good—I’d dreamed about it for a while, but oh… that was incredible.” Walter’s bright smile shone like the glint of sunlight on a placid sea. “It was magical.”
“I’m glad.” Scooter’s heart fluttered. From his perspective, it had seemed pretty magical too. “I’m glad I could live up to your expectations of your first kiss.”
“First kiss.” Walter laughed nervously, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “Yeah, that’s it. That’s exactly it.”
“So, uh… do you wanna keep practicing? With me.”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Well, okay.” Scooter’s shoulders sagged. He’d get another chance to kiss Walter, feel those gorgeous, perfect lips on his… because Jim knew he wouldn’t be getting a shot with anyone else.
They kissed with increasing frequency after that. Much as Scooter wanted to, he didn’t take Walter on any more dates; it felt altogether too formal, too like they had an actual relationship. Which they didn’t. They were still just friends, only now they kissed. A bunch. It wasn’t that different, really, and the fact that he took great pains to hide this new relationship from anyone at the office meant nothing. Nothing.
It was getting harder to hide said relationship, though. Since Scooter wasn’t taking Walter on dates, the only time they could really get kissing practice in was at the office, which meant that one of them came over to each other’s desk, made up some flimsy excuse, and they found a secluded corner of the office where nobody would lay eyes on them. They’d get a good kissing session in, despite the utterly unromantic setting, and then go back to their jobs with little more than a smile and a wave to each other.
So really, everything was great.
Everything, that is, except the little voice in his head that wouldn’t shut up.
“You’re lying to your best friend,” it whispered as he tangled his fingers in Walter’s hair. “He only wants you because he thinks you have experience,” it purred as they stood next to each other, faces mere inches apart. “He’ll never forgive you once he finds out,” it crooned as he pressed their lips together once more.
And the worst part was, the voice was right. Scooter knew it. Scooter wasn’t sure how he could possibly confess to his best friend that this whole “practice kissing” relationship was built on a lie. And he sure didn’t want to stop kissing Walter, either. So there he was, stuck in a bad situation, with no way out.
It got even worse once they’d started experimenting with tongue, too. Walter was good—a born natural, in Scooter’s estimation. All of his attempts felt clumsy in comparison. Walter never complained, but that was just because he was nice—he could tell that Scooter wasn’t up to par. Eventually, he’d get sick of putting up with Scooter’s inexperienced kissing, and he’d go and find somebody else.
Because that was the thing—there were loads of people who were desperate to kiss a guy as adorable as Walter. And once they knew how good he was at kissing, well, there wasn’t a person around who wouldn’t fall for his charms. Scooter would be chopped liver, dropped at the first opportunity when some handsome Prince Charming swept Walter off his feet.
If he was being honest, he was lucky Walter was willing to kiss him at all.
He couldn’t waste that opportunity.
So he made out with Walter, again and again, honing his skills to even try to come up to Walter’s level, or the level he claimed he’d had to start with. The insecurities never left him, but he learned to send them to the back of his mind. The only thing that mattered was kissing Walter. And he was getting a little better, too. He only hoped that whenever Walter kissed someone else—and his heart hurt uncomfortably at the thought—that he wouldn’t discover that some people were good at kissing from the get-go.
One day, Scooter had swept Walter off to the supply closet where they’d found time for a brief but sizzling makeout session. Walter’s tongue dove between Scooter’s lips with a practiced ease, and Scooter followed suit, albeit a bit less clumsily. How Walter was so darn good at using tongue was a mystery he’d never quite figure out. It was hard to analyze his techniques, though, since he was pressed up against an old shelf, with Walter’s hands running along his back. The odd creaking sound was at the back of his mind. It was nothing, probably.
A cheerful hum got his attention, though, especially when the hum stopped, replaced with a horrified yelp in a distinctly froggy voice.
Scooter turned around. His body grew ten degrees hotter. “Kermit?”
“Good gravy, Scooter? Walter? What are you doing here?”
Walter squeaked. His eyes were still a little hazy, but Kermit’s presence was giving them both a much-loathed dose of reality. He covered his face with his hands, as i f that would do anything to prevent Kermit from recognizing him. “Uh… nothing! Nothing, it’s—we were just talking—”
“This isn’t the place to talk!” Kermit shouted. “You’re supposed to be working here, not goofing off with each other—”
Scooter felt a prickle crawl up the back of his neck. He hung his head. “Uh… sorry, chief.”
“You should be sorry,” Kermit snapped. “You have a job here for crying out loud. Heck, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that the two of you were sneaking off to make out or something—”
Walter squeaked. He buried his flushed face in his hands.
Kermit froze. “No. No, you weren’t—” His gaze flicked from Scooter’s face to Walter’s. “No, you—you two are adults! This isn’t allowed—”
“We’re really sorry,” Scooter said miserably. He couldn’t believe Kermit was yelling at them—it was so unprofessional of them to be doing stuff like this. He didn’t know how he had ever thought it was a good idea.
“Yeah, you should be sorry,” Kermit said. “Sneaking off to a supply closet to make out with your boyfriend…”
“Well, uh, actually, sir…” Scooter didn’t know if this was a point in his favor or not, but it was worth a shot. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
Kermit and Walter both stiffened.
“Huh?” Kermit asked. “You were making out with him. What else could he be—your husband? Did you two get married and not tell me?”
“No, no,” Scooter said. “We’re, uh, we’re just friends. Really. That’s all there is to it.”
Kermit’s eyes narrowed. “Just friends?”
Scooter nodded. He didn’t miss the way Walter’s eyes got a little tighter. He didn’t need to go into detail about the practice kissing scheme, but he wanted to make it clear that neither of them had romantic feelings for the other. “Just friends. No romance here.”
“Oh.” Kermit’s mouth turned down into a disapproving frown. “Well, alright, if you say so. Still, you can’t kiss your friend on company time. You need to get back to work.”
“Yes, sir.” Walter’s voice was small and hesitant. He played with the edge of his button-down shirt. Scooter felt the overwhelming urge to stroke his cheek and turn his frown into a beautiful smile. But they couldn’t do that, not while Kermit was around.
Kermit sighed. He grabbed both of them by the shoulders and dragged them out of the closet. “Get out of here. Out, out, out. Back to work.”
Scooter nodded. He turned to Walter, heart fluttering. The two of them walked back to the main office and settled down at their desks. Scooter made an attempt at working, he really did, but Walter’s presence was just too tempting. He finally gave in and scooted his chair over to Walter’s cubicle.
Walter jumped. “Oh. Uh… hi, Scooter. We, uh, probably shouldn’t be talking. Kermit wants us to focus on work.”
“I know,” Scooter said. “I’m… I’m sorry, for getting you in trouble. I shouldn’t have suggested that we kiss right then and there.”
Walter licked his lips. “You don’t need to be sorry. You’re doing me a favor by giving me kissing practice. I’m the one who should apologize for getting you in trouble.”
Scooter licked his lips. “Yeah. But, uh…” As he stared at Walter’s lips, visions of them kissing floated through his mind. He needed to kiss Walter and give him all the loving he deserved. Judging from the steamy look on Walter’s face, he was feeling the pull too.
“We, uh… we shouldn’t,” Walter said. “We gotta work.”
Scooter nodded. He knew that that was true, but some part of him wanted to rebel, just a little longer. “Kermit won’t find out if we kiss real quick. Just a few seconds, nothing more. Then we can go right back to work. You don’t tell, and I don’t tell, and he won’t find out, will he?”
Walter bit his lip. “No, probably not.”
Scooter grinned. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Walter’s in another sizzling kiss. If he really thought about it, it was probably more than a few seconds, but shh, nobody was keeping count.
They kept their kissing sessions to outside of work after that—or at least they tried to. Sure, sometimes Scooter stole Walter away after a morning meeting, or Walter cornered him in the break room and kissed him senseless, or Scooter pulled Walter underneath his desk for a frenzied makeout session, but really, those times didn’t count, did they? It was just friends being friends. And it wasn’t distracting Scooter at all from his work, or Walter, for that matter. And they kept the really long makeouts to at home, so really, they were doing Kermit a favor. It did mean, though, that Scooter turned into a ball of rubber bands at the end of the day, desperate to drive over to Walter’s house so they could kiss until the cows came home.
And boy, did they kiss.
Walter was getting spectacularly good at kissing. If Scooter didn’t know better, he’d think that Walter had been kissing his whole life—well, to be fair, he and Walter had kissed more than some people did in their whole lives. But while Scooter was improving at his tongue skills, he was nothing in comparison to Walter’s perfect kisses.
“Hey,” Walter whispered one day, taking a break from peppering Scooter with kisses to whisper in his ear. “Tell me about the other guys you’ve kissed.”
The request hit Scooter like a harpoon to the heart. “What?”
“You know.” Walter murmured. “You’ve got so many great stories—heck, even your worst one was incredible. You’ve kissed so many people… I wanna hear about your best kiss stories now. The ones that really rocked your world, sent you to heaven and back again.”
“Oh.” Scooter gulped. He’d been making up that other story as he went, and he found it hard to think up a good one with Walter nibbling along his jawline. “To—to tell you the truth, uh… oh, Walter… you’re the best kisser I’ve ever had.”
Walter chuckled. “That’s sweet. But be honest. I know I’m not the best—I’m not anywhere near as experienced as you are. You’ve kissed loads of people better than me. Don’t try to deny it.”
“And you wanna hear about them?”
“Yeah,” Walter said. He smiled shyly, a blush coming to his cheeks. “If you’re okay with telling me.”
“Okay…” Scooter didn’t know why Walter would want to hear stories about his other romantic conquests, made-up or not. It didn’t seem like a very romantic conversation to have while they were kissing. Unless… unless Walter only wanted to kiss him because of it.
That thought struck terror into Scooter’s heart. Walter didn’t want to kiss Scooter because of his skills at kissing—well, that was obvious from the get-go, he didn’t have any skills at kissing. But no—the only way Walter could get into it was by thinking that other people had found Scooter hot.
And no one else ever had. Everything was based on lies.
“Scooter?”
Walter was staring at him, eyes wide and pleading. Scooter inhaled shakily, leaning back into the couch. He wanted Walter to be happy. He wanted Walter to kiss him. And if he had to lie to get that to happen… gosh, he probably should analyze that later, huh?
“You don’t have to,” Walter said slowly. His smile had softened. “It was just—I dunno, a thought…”
“No, no. I, uh… okay.” Scooter took a deep breath. He needed to make up a good enough story that Walter would kiss him for it. As soon as he tried to collect his thoughts, though, all of his ideas seemed to float out of his reach.
“So, me ’n’ my pal are walking through the jungle,” he said hesitantly.
Walter perked up. “Yeah?”
“We stop at a campsite, and, uh, he falls over a vine.”
Walter gasped. “Really?”
“Yeah. It got him real bad. Twisted his ankle, and there wasn’t really anyone to call, so we just had to sit it out.”
“Oh, no,” Walter said.
“But, uh, he pulled through, in the end,” Scooter said. “But before then, when we were waiting to figure out whether or not he was gonna make it… he says that he’s always had a crush on me. Says he waited until we were far away from civilization to confess, so he couldn’t, uh, chicken out or something.”
Walter nodded. He licked his lips. “And did you… did you have a crush on him too?”
“Yeah,” Scooter said. “I think I did. He was so cute, and I’d wanted him for a while, and… I just wished he was mine every day that I saw him, and… uh. I’m getting sidetracked.”
“No, no,” Walter said breathlessly. “Continue.”
“Uh, so he liked me, and… and I liked him, and we had a while to wait, so we kissed… we kissed for a while. He kissed me soft and slow—mmf!”
Scooter was cut off when Walter kissed him. The sensation of lips on his mouth, gentle and teasing, made his mind grow hazy. The line between fact, fiction, and fantasy was growing blurrier by the moment. He returned the kiss with equal vigor, getting lost in the moment. There was nothing in the world but him and Walter.
Walter pulled away, staring deep into Scooter’s eyes. “Like that?”
“Yeah—gosh, Walter—” Scooter licked his lips. “Exactly like that.”
“And then what happened?”
“And then he, uh… we made out…”
Walter’s lips returned to Scooter’s. His tongue brushed against the seam of their lips. Scooter opened his mouth instantly, allowing Walter to delve inside. Walter tasted as sweet as Scooter’s mother’s favorite perfume. Scooter tangled his hands through Walter’s hair and gently pulled, turning Walter to mush in his arms.
Scooter finally pulled away. “And then,” he said breathlessly, “I… I told him…”
Walter nodded, leaning in with bated breath.
“I told him, ‘I love you, and… and I don’t care if you don’t love me back. Kissing you has been… gosh, it’s been the best experience of my life. And I don’t regret it for a moment.’”
Walter nodded. He had a strange look on his face. Scooter wasn’t sure who he was talking to—the fictional friend in the jungle or the gorgeous Muppet standing right in front of him. He wasn’t sure it mattered, either.
“Well…” Walter took a deep breath. “It’s a good thing he loves you, then, huh?”
Scooter nodded. His shoulders slumped. “Yeah. Really good thing.”
The secret had been gnawing away at Scooter for a week. It utterly consumed him, turned his nights to sleepless vigils, worrying about what Walter would think of him when he found out. It wouldn’t be a problem if it never happened… but Scooter was getting awfully sloppy. The secret wouldn’t last forever.
He had to reveal it on his own terms. But Walter would hate him, wouldn’t he? When he found out that their practice kissing had been built on lies, that Scooter had no experience kissing before Walter, that he’d taken Walter’s first kiss just because he could… gosh. Walter would hate Scooter forever, and Scooter would kinda deserve that.
But it had to happen.
Scooter wouldn’t chicken out. He couldn’t. He really couldn’t. He wouldn’t.
He walked over to Walter’s desk, heart thrumming. The words had been burned into his brain, keeping him up every single night no matter how hard he tried to go to bed.
Walter turned to look at him, flashing a smile. “Oh, hi, Scooter! What’s up?”
Scooter’s tongue tangled up. He’d been thinking so hard about the words, but it was another battle entirely to get them out in the air. “I, uh, have something… I have something I wanna say to you…”
“Okay.” Walter smiled brightly. He sure wouldn’t be smiling like that once Scooter was done talking to him. “What did you have to say?”
“It’s… it’s about our… our, um, our kissing thing…”
A voice caught Scooter’s attention. He turned around to find Kermit staring at Gonzo, gesticulating wildly.
“Gonzo, you—you cannot use that turbo-powered flamethrower in the next sketch, what? It’s insane!”
“Aw, c’mon! Bunsen and Beaker made it just for me, and I’ve been dying to try it out!”
“It’s too dangerous! You’re gonna set someone on fire with that thing. The answer is no.”
“It’s not that dangerous,” Gonzo said. “Here, I’ll show you.” With the flick of a switch, he turned it on, and a big jet of flame FWOOM-ed out.
“No, no, turn that off—what are you doing? You’re gonna hurt someone—”
“No, see, look? It’s fine!” Gonzo spun the flamethrower around in a circle. He aimed it at a rack of clothing… which promptly burst into flames.
Scooter gasped. That didn’t look very safe.
“What? Oh, no, no, no…” Kermit rushed over to the still-burning rack of clothing. “Oh, no, no—that was Piggy’s outfit. For tonight. Gonzo, what have you done?”
Gonzo’s manic smile fell. “I, uh… stand corrected. Maybe we shouldn’t use it in the show.”
“Yeah, yeah, we shouldn’t use it—you just destroyed Piggy’s whole wardrobe for tonight! Good grief, this is a disaster. We’re on in, like, two hours—”
Walter stood up and rushed over. “Kermit? Do you, uh, need some help?”
“Huh? Everything’s fine—oh, Walter.” Kermit’s shoulders sagged. “Uh… yeah, some help would be great. You can sew, right? Do you think you could, uh, make a couple of dresses for me?”
“I can try,” Walter said. He straightened slightly, gaining a few inches of height. “It’ll be such an honor to make a dress for Miss Piggy—”
“Yeah, well, you’d better make it fast.” Kermit grabbed Walter and pulled him toward a dressing room. “C’mon. We got the patterns all squared away, but—”
“Wait!” Scooter called after them.
Walter paused. He looked back at Scooter, brow wrinkling. “What? I’m, uh, kinda busy right now.”
“Yeah, but—I need to talk to you. About… y’know…”
“The—yeah, that thing. Can it wait? I have… I have this dress I need to fix, and…”
Scooter frowned. “But I need to tell you now—”
Kermit frowned. “Scooter? Would you mind just leaving Walter alone and keeping Piggy busy so she doesn’t find out that her dress got destroyed? Walter needs to work, and you can’t sew—”
“But I need to talk to him.”
“It can wait.”
“It can’t. It needs to be right now.”
Walter took a hesitant step toward the doorway, but he looked back, staring at Scooter with a conflicted expression.
Kermit sighed. “You know what? Time’s ticking. I don’t care what happens, as long as that dress is done by the start of the show, understand? You two work it out, make a new dress, and talk to me when you’re done.”
Walter stared at Scooter for a moment longer, then shrugged. “Fine. C’mon, Scooter.”
As Scooter followed Walter down to the wardrobe department, he couldn’t help feeling a little bad for forcing himself into the situation, when Walter obviously had too much on his plate to want him around. Still, he had to do this now, or he would chicken out, and then he’d never tell Walter all that he deserved to know.
Walter walked in, grabbed a pattern, and skimmed through it, then set it down on the table. Scooter watched him arrange the pieces, then cut the fabric to size with quick, efficient snips.
“Hey, uh, Walter?”
Walter threaded the needle, then stepped on the pedal of the sewing machine harshly. “What?” he snapped.
“I need to talk to you, about…”
“It can wait,” Walter said. “I’m busy—I have to make a whole dress, in hours! And you heard how mad Kermit was. If I don’t get this done, he’s gonna chew my head off.”
“C’mon. You know that’s not true. He won’t get that mad.”
“Yeah, but I said I could finish the dress. I gotta finish it.”
“But—”
Walter slammed the fabric down on the table. “Did I not make myself clear? I don’t want to talk to you.”
Scooter felt a crushing weight crash down on his chest. “Oh,” he said softly. “Oh. I see.”
“Yeah.” Walter’s brow furrowed, and he stared at Scooter for a few moments more. He then turned back to the fabric with a soft sigh.
“I’m sorry,” Scooter said after a moment. “I didn’t mean to…”
“Look, it’s fine,” Walter said. “It’s fine. It’s fine, it’s all fine. Just… be quiet. I need to focus.”
Scooter shut his mouth. He watched Walter work, a multitude of emotions coursing through his veins. The soft whir of the sewing machine filled the room at regular intervals, chewing on his nerves with that ragged, mechanical sound. The needle dipped in and out of the fabric, endlessly entangling the threads, until it was near impossible to pull the pieces of fabric apart. Scooter was going to explode if he didn’t tell Walter right now…
“Walter.”
Walter let out a harsh sigh. “I said, can it wait?”
“But Walter, it’s… it’s important. I’ve been lying to you.”
At that, the sewing machine whirred to a halt. Walter looked up, meeting Scooter’s eyes. “What?”
Scooter licked his lips. He chanced a glance at Walter’s deathly pale face. “I’ve been lying to you. About the whole practice kissing thing. It’s, uh… I don’t know how to say this, but I never kissed anyone before you. You were my first kiss.”
The inhale Walter took didn’t sound promising at all.
Scooter carried on. “I’m sorry that I lied to you and made you think I was some sort of Casanova, when I was just some guy who really wanted to kiss you and was willing to lie to get my way. That was wrong of me, and I regret it.”
“You… you wanted to kiss me?”
“Desperately. Oh, gosh, you must think I’m the worst. I’m so sorry. I never meant to let it get this out of control, but… I lied to you and said I was good at kissing, when I’m not. You know I’m not. You’ve seen it yourself.”
Walter stood up in a daze. The sparkly fabric fluttered to the ground. He crossed the room, approaching Scooter with flushed cheeks. “Let me get this straight. All this time, you weren’t just kissing me out of… out of pure friendly intentions, but because you actually wanted to kiss me.”
Scooter nodded glumly. “I know. It sounds bad when you put it like that… well, that’s because it is bad.”
“I’m not dreaming, right? Tell me I’m not dreaming.”
“No,” Scooter said softly. “No, this is real. I’m sorry.” When he looked at Walter, he realized just how pretty those cheeks were, and… hang on, was that a hint of a smile at the corners of his lips? Why would Walter be smiling at a time like this?
“Oh my gosh,” Walter breathed. His lips turned upwards. “Oh my gosh. Wow. This is… oh my gosh. This is incredible.”
“Incredible?” Scooter whispered.
“Yeah,” Walter said. “Oh, gosh. I thought… I thought it was gonna be something bad, or at least something that wasn’t helpful to the situation, but… wow. You’re amazing. This is amazing.”
“Wait, you’re… you’re happy? That I lied to you?”
“Well—not happy, no, I mean, it would’ve been so much better if you hadn’t lied, but… don’t you see? You actually want to kiss me. I’ve been dreaming of this day since I was, like, fifteen.”
Scooter’s mind went blank. “You, uh… you want to kiss me too?”
“Uh, duh? Why do you think I agreed to that practice kissing thing in the first place? To get better at kissing?”
“Yeah.”
“No, silly! It was ’cause I wanted to kiss you!” Walter shoved Scooter, giggling. “I didn’t think you wanted me like that, and I just wanted to kiss you, even if it was platonic… I was desperate.”
“Oh.” Scooter exhaled heavily. “I’m… oh, wow.” He’d been prepared to end everything; he’d hoped that Walter would still want to be friends with him, but he wasn’t sure of that either. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought that Walter would want to keep kissing.
“Gosh…” Walter let out a buoyant giggle. “Oh, wow. You don’t know how long I’ve been fantasizing about all of this… well, you do, since I was fifteen. It’s… eeee! Oh my gosh, can I scream? I’m gonna scream.” He ducked under his desk. A muffled, high-pitched squeal that put Beaker’s meeps to shame fluttered through the air. Walter had made that sound. Walter had made that sound, because he was happy.
“So, you aren’t mad that this no-strings-attached thing got some… strings?” Scooter asked.
“Strings?” Walter popped back up. His bright, earnest smile needed no interpretation. “I never wanted no-strings-attached in the first place! I just agreed to it because I thought it was the only way I would ever get to kiss you. But if you want strings—heck, if you’re just even okay with strings… then yeah, I would really, really really like some strings.”
Scooter couldn’t believe it. Walter was the prettiest Muppet in his office—possibly the world—and he wanted to kiss him. It seemed too good to be true, and it seemed the feeling was mutual.
“I, uh… I really wanna kiss you,” Walter breathed. His eyes shone like stars.
Scooter’s brain kicked into gear. “But, uh, the dress.”
“The dress?”
“The dress. You have to make a whole, uh, dress… we can’t… waste time…”
“I don’t care about the dress,” Walter said. “I just found out that my crush wants to kiss me. I’m gonna take him up on that offer right now. That dress will just have to wait.”
He did make a compelling argument. Scooter’s mind clouded over at the thought of kissing those gorgeous lips again, a feeling he’d convinced himself that he would never experience again. He wondered why he was arguing against himself.
“But… Kermit… he’ll be…”
Walter wrapped his arms around Scooter and dragged him down into a sweet, sensual kiss, silencing any further protests. They’d practiced the move so many times in the past weeks, each time electrifying in an entirely new fashion. Walter’s tongue dipped into Scooter’s mouth in a swirl delicate as a Viennese waltz, and Scooter’s hands ran down Walter’s back and settled on his waist to press him ever closer.
Walter broke apart, just for a moment, but stayed close, looking into Scooter’s eyes as their breaths mingled together. It was warm, intimate, a moment only for them. Scooter could hardly believe that this gorgeous guy was head over heels for him. He could hardly believe that he’d been lucky enough to fall for Walter at all.
He pushed his doubts away and dove in for another kiss, one which Walter eagerly returned.
After a few minutes, an hour, or ten seconds, a knock at the door startled them both.
“Hey, Walter? How’s that dress coming?”
Walter jumped back. He smiled shakily. “Uh, great! Amazing! We’re, uh, doing just fine.”
“Great, great. We need it ready in fifteen minutes, so if you could finish up—” Kermit glanced at the two of them. His eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute. Were you two—”
“Uh… nope! Nope, not at all, not us!” Scooter straightened, doing his best to look professional.
Kermit’s eyes narrowed. He stared at the two of them for a moment, then sighed, apparently giving up. “How’s the dress?”
“Um…” Walter held up the fabric, smiling nervously. “It’s… a start.”
“Oh, good grief—Scooter? Out.” Kermit grabbed Scooter’s shoulder and pulled him towards the door, despite Walter’s protests. “I don’t know what you two were doing, but we need a dress, and we need it now. Out, out, out.”
“No, please,” Walter said. “Please, let him stay.”
“It’s okay,” Scooter said. He waved at Walter nervously. “I’ll, uh, see you after the show, Walter?”
Walter’s brow softened. He flashed a goofy smile that set Scooter’s heart aflutter. “Yeah. See ya.”