Chapter Text
It’s strange, when Buck thinks about it, to be the one leaving. He’s so used to people forgetting about him, to the hurt that takes over your body when you’re the one left behind that he doesn’t really know how to process his break up with Taylor.
Is he allowed to be sad about the relationship ending when he was the one who decided that it was over? Apparently, he is but it doesn’t feel right.
A part of him wishes that he could forgive her for betraying him, for betraying his team.
Another part of him knows that it was bound to happen. He was happy with her, he thinks but it couldn’t have lasted. They’re too different. Buck wants a family. That’s all he wants. Taylor – well Taylor wants a career and she’s willing to sacrifice everything, him included, to reach her goals.
Incompatible. That’s what they are. He can’t fix that no matter how much he wants to so he has to learn to let it go. Move on.
Easier said than done, especially when Taylor is calling him two weeks after their break up.
He’s in the kitchen of the firehouse, cooking for the team when she does. He sighs and lets the call go to voicemail.
Incompatible. There’s nothing she could say to make this better so there’s no point in even talking.
Except she tries again. And again. Then she leaves a message so Buck listens.
“ Hey, Buck. I get that I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now but this is important, okay? It’s – it’s an emergency. Can you call me back, please?”
Now, Buck is worried. He knows Taylor. She’s not the kind of person to get emotional, to be vulnerable around others. Sure, she’d shown him some vulnerable side but they just broke up. The fact that her voice is so full of fear and she lets him hear it? It’s bad, bad news.
Buck : I’m on shift. Can’t call back rn. What’s going on?
Taylor : We need to talk. It’s urgent. Can we meet up after your shift?
Buck : I’ll be done in a couple of hours. Meet me back at my place?
Taylor : Sure.
My place. Not their place. Not anymore.
It stings a bit, especially when he thinks back and remembers how nice it had felt to come home to someone.
Then again, the reason they even moved in together was wrong.
So really, what was he expecting?
“You okay there, Buckaroo?” Hen asks.
She studies him while getting herself a coffee and he sighs.
“Yeah. I’m good, Hen. Food will be ready in like ten.”
She nods and walks away slowly but he knows he didn’t fool her. He could have told her the truth but he doesn’t want to hurt her. Taylor is a touchy subject, not that he blames her. Not after the whole Jonah thing.
He goes through the motion until it’s the end of his shift. He ignores the pointed looks Eddie keeps sending his way, waves goodbye to everyone, and jumps in his jeep to go home.
“I’m pregnant.”
Well. Buck isn’t sure what he imagined this conversation was going to be but it sure was not that. He grips the kitchen counter tightly, his knuckles turning white and breathes deeply. The image of a baby in his arms comes to his mind but he crushes it. He can’t hope. Not when they’re not together anymore. Not when he doesn’t know why Taylor is even letting him know about this.
“What – what are you planning on doing?” he asks Taylor.
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “You and I both know I’m not mother material. I don’t want kids. Never really did. Probably never will but I’ve been thinking about this for a week and I know you want to be a dad.”
She stares at her fingers, her hands on her thighs. She’s nervous. Her fingers are tapping her leg in rhythm and he almost feels bad for her, except his brain is too focused on the words and their meaning to really pay attention. He’s completely and utterly lost .
“Taylor, what are you saying?”
“I’m willing to have the baby. I know we won’t get back together,” she adds quickly. “That’s not – that’s not what this is about. I just know how much this means to you and I couldn’t not tell you. I couldn’t not offer. I can have the baby, let you come to every appointment, and give you parental rights.”
His grips get tighter and it’s the only thing preventing him from falling on the ground.
The image is back. A tiny baby in his arms. A family of his own. On his own.
“I – Taylor. Are you sure?”
“I am. I’ll sign the papers. I know I messed up Buck but I did love you. I still do and I can do this for you.”
“Taylor, I need some time to think this over.”
“How about a week?” Taylor offers. “Would that be enough? That’s how long I’ve had to make a choice.”
“Seems fair enough,” Buck says, voice clipped.
A week. He has a week to decide if he wants to be a father. A single dad. He looks around his apartment for a second, pictures a crib, a baby monitor next to his bed, and cringes.
The loft isn’t good for a baby. There won’t be enough and he’ll have to move out. Los Angeles is a nightmare when it comes to finding a place but maybe he could get a house. Potentially a dog? Christopher would love that. He could have a guest room for him and they could –
God he needs to stop daydreaming and needs to really think this through. A baby isn’t a toy. It's full of commitment and he can’t be reckless.
He bids Taylor goodbye and waits a few minutes, just breathing, before he grabs his keys and jogs out of his apartment.
Buck is sitting on the couch with Eddie, his leg nervously going up and down, his Adam apple bobbing as he swallows.
Eddie, being the saint he is, waits patiently for him to start talking .
Chris is sleeping in his room and Buck can still hear him say that he loves him. He thinks about all the nights he spent reading him before sleep and a part of him dreams of a future where he’ll have that with his own child. He wonders if Chris will help him do voices or if he’ll refuse.
“Buck.”
A hand on his knee stops the movement of his leg and he sighs deeply, emptying his lungs.
“Taylor’s pregnant.”
There’s a long pause, the silence filling the space between them and Buck holds his breath. He looks to the side, tries to gauge Eddie’s reaction but his best friend is frozen in his spot, his face unreadable.
“Well, shit.” Eddie finally utters. “Are you…”
“We don’t know.” Buck sighs. “She doesn’t want to be a mom but she’s willing to have the baby and give up on her parental rights.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know, Eds.” He closes his eyes for a moment as Eddie squeezes his knee. “I want to be a dad. I really want that but if I mess up? What if I fuck this kid up and —”
“Evan, breathe. ” Eddie says softly. “You won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“You’ve been co-parenting with me for years .”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?” Eddie argues. “Why do you think I made you my son’s legal guardian?”
Isn’t that the big question Buck has been asking himself ever since Eddie announced it to him? Why did Eddie pick him?”
“I’m the back up plan, Eds.” He says. “This would be —”
“Ok, first of all, you are not a back up plan, Evan. You are the plan. I had options. I chose you . Chris loves you, yes but it’s more than just this. He trusts you. He knows he can call you anytime.”
Eddie doesn’t need to say more. One look at his face tells him that they’re both thinking about that fateful call Chris gave him when Eddie broke down.
“You know, I’ll always answer.” Buck says gently.
“That’s the point, Evan. Look, you’ve been a dad for a long time. I’ve seen you with him. You can do this, if that’s what you want.”
Buck puts his hand on Eddie’s, still on his knee and feels the tension leave his body at the touch.
“A baby though. That’s going to be tough, Eds. I can’t quit. What am I going to do?”
“You won’t be alone,” Eddie reassures him. “You think we’ll leave you? You have a whole set of parents with different experiences at your disposal, Evan. As for the job, I’m sure we can talk to Carla tomorrow.”
“You really want me to have this baby,” Buck chuckles.
“No, Buck. I can see it in your eyes. You do and I won’t let yourself doubt and prevent you from being a father. If you don’t want this baby, I’ll support you too.”
“I really do want this baby,” Buck whispers like it’s a secret he needs to keep to himself. “I can’t stop thinking about it, Eds.”
“Then we’ll have your back,” Eddie smiles.
Buck lets his head drop to his shoulder and keeps breathing slowly.
It’s not something they do often. Cuddling. Yet, it comes naturally. Eddie lets him. He doesn’t push him away and Buck lets himself soak into the warmth coming from his body.
“Do you think Chris will mind?”
“Somehow, I don’t think he will,” Eddie grins. “He always wanted to be a big brother.”
A big brother. His child would have a big brother. The best one, too.
Family. They’ve been one for a long time but this. This seems bigger. A way to confirm it, set it in stone.
He’s not alone.
The next day, Buck meets up with Carla and Eddie for coffee.
Carla, ray of sunshine she is, doesn’t point out the fact that she came on her day off to meet up with them and that Buck is weird.
She could say something but he’s grateful that she doesn’t.
“Carla,” he finally says. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“I figured that out,” Carla smiles. “Come on, Buckaroo.”
So, with Eddie’s hand in his, Buck starts talking. He tells about Taylor’s pregnancy, he tells her about the doubts he has, about his fears regarding his hours and his job.
“So, I was wondering if you’d mind looking after the baby or if you’d recommend someone.”
“Of course, I’ll look after your baby, Buckaroo.” Carla says softly. “I’ll look after Christopher and the baby.”
“Carla, I love you.” Buck grins.
“I love you too, Buckaroo. Congr —”
“Not yet.” Buck cuts her off. “Nothing is set in stone. We don’t know yet.”
“Well, whatever happens we’ll be there.”
Buck gets up and bends down to kiss her cheek.
Telling the team is probably the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.
Logically, he knows that Eddie is right and that they will support him. It doesn’t make it any easier though. A part of him is afraid that they’ll tell him he’s not fit to be a dad.
Eddie is there, as usual, grounding him until he manages to get the words out.
“Oh. That baby is going to be adorable,” Athena says, her voice so much softer than usual.
“The cutest,” Karen agrees. “We’re going to spoil them.”
“I can’t wait to be an aunt,” Maddie tells him with tears in her eyes.
Buck looks around the table and everywhere he meets eyes that are full of happiness and pride.
The ball of nerves loosens in his stomach.
“Nothing is sure, guys.” He tries to warn them but they’re already chatting away, planning what they’ll buy. “I haven’t made my decision yet.” He says louder, raising his hands up to get attention. “I wanted to talk to you guys before I decide anything.”
He tries to meet Hen and Chimney’s eyes the most. They’re the ones he’s scared of. Not because of the baby but because of who the mother is. Taylor is still a sore subject and Buck doesn’t want… He doesn’t want to hurt them.
He manages to corner them an hour later.
“Guys,” he says almost shyly. “I just wanted to talk to you about the baby.” Hen raises an eyebrow but her expression is still open and soft. “It’s just, I know Taylor is — I know it’s hard for you and I don’t want to hurt you —”
“Let me stop you right there, Buckaroo.” Hen says. “Should you have this baby, we’ll love them. No matter who their mother is.”
“It will be half you,” Chim confirms. “That’s enough for us.”
“What Chim means is that the baby will be half golden retriever.” Hen grins. “Hard to dislike.”
He feels so relieved that he can’t help but hug them both. If there are tears in his eyes by the time they let go, well, at least they don’t mention it.
A week later, Buck sends a single text message to Taylor.
We need to talk. I’m in if you still are.
I am. Meet up at your place?
God. He’s really doing this. He’s going to be a dad. He’s almost sure of it, unless Taylor changes her mind while getting to his place.
I can’t wait to meet you, he thinks with a smile.