Work Text:
Steve: Do you wanna hang out in my room? I could rent that new Kristen Stewart movie.
Robin: Can’t. I’m being gay and listening to music.
Steve: …what?
Robin: I’m being gay and listening to music.
Steve: You’re…??? I don’t understand.
Robin: Chappell Roan.
Steve: ? Who?
Robin: Chappell Roan. The singer. The lesbian icon. Chappell Roan.
Seen 2h ago
Eddie: hey
Steve: Hey? Aren’t you driving? Why are you texting me?
Eddie: yeah, about that
Eddie: I was driving home and I guess I ran over a nail?? or maybe a sharp stick or something? I dunno but now I have a flat tire and I need to be picked up
Steve: You don’t have a spare? Shouldn’t you carry one for a van like that?
Eddie: steve.
Steve: Eddie.
Eddie: what makes you think somebody like me has a spare tire?? I don’t even have a modern radio in this fuckass van why would I have a spare tire
Steve: So that you don’t get in situations like this? Forget the spare tire. Where are you? I’ll come get you.
Eddie: I’m uhhhh……at Walmart in the parking lot
Eddie: I got something for your birthday so you cant look inside of my bag
Eddie: god, this shit is a pain in the ass
Eddie: this would’ve never happened if harambe didn’t die
Steve: Who?
Eddie: you’re joking. steve, tell me you’re joking and that you know who harambe is.
Steve: Was he a friend of yours?
Eddie: holy shit. you don’t know who harambe is. what the hell were you doing in 2016
Steve: 🙄
Steve: Can you just tell me so that I can pick you up and we can have dinner?
Eddie: you’re gonna have to sit down for this
Eddie: basically, harambe was this gorilla in the……cincinnati zoo, I think?? anyway he was this gorilla that was just sorta vibing in his enclosure and then this little boy fell in
Steve: Oh my god. Is the boy okay?
Eddie: oh, the boy is totally fine
Eddie: the zoo killed the gorilla tho
Seen just now
Eddie: steve? hello?
Steve: They killed the gorilla? Did the gorilla even do anything?
Eddie: nope
Steve: So they just killed an innocent gorilla?
Eddie: yeah
Eddie: they thought he’d kill the kid
Seen just now
Eddie: soooo….u on ur way?
Eddie: steve?
Eddie: steeeeveeeeee
Steve: Hold on, dude.
Eddie: I can order an uber
Steve: Just give me a fucking second. I’m crying in the middle of our apartment’s courtyard, Jesus Christ.
Steve: A little boy just asked if I was okay and I had to tell him that some zoo killed a gorilla and now he’s crying with me.
Steve: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.
Eddie: ???
Eddie: we sleep in separate beds. in separate rooms.
Steve: Couch.
Eddie: ….fine, m’lord. sorry.
Robin: why did you tell him about Harambe?
Eddie: he asked!
Robin: he. won’t. stop. using. my. computer.
Robin: even when I get it back, there’s like five tabs in my history about that fucking gorilla.
Robin: wait. hold on.
Eddie: oh, god. Is he crying again?
Eddie: I’m already at the store. I’ll get him a tub of that mudslide ice cream and uhhh…do you think he likes red or white roses??
Eddie: there’s a sale on those big Reese’s easter eggs….I’ll get him a few of those
Eddie: do you think it’s too much to get him balloons…
Eddie: robin? hello? why do you guys just stop responding?
Robin: dude. he reads People magazine. like…
Robin sent a photo
Robin: that’s his inbox, dude. he left himself logged in and there’s like fifty of these People emails.
Eddie: robs, don’t kick a guy while he’s down
Eddie: that’s poopy :(
Robin: you’re the reason he’s feeling so shitty! suck his dick or something, fuckhead. that might make him feel better
Eddie: yeah? you think?
Eddie: doesn’t he use flavored condoms though?
Eddie: mmmm…strawberry dick
Robin: HE BOUGH CHAPPELL ROAN TICKETS??? THE BASTARD
Robin: he doesn’t even know who she is…
Robin: also
Robin: please don’t send me “mmmm….strawberry dick” ever again.
Eddie: sto psnooping and i won’t do that
Robin: …no
Eddie: get ready for me to suck your best friend’s dick, then. I got him three of those Reese’s eggs, a tub of ice cream, a bouquet of white roses, and Walmart’s finest boxed wine.
Eddie: he’ll forget about his woes with ye olde harambe
Eddie: cuz he’ll only think of my name, motherfucker
Seen just now
Robin: I hate u
Eddie: eat my farts
Robin: 🖕
Eddie: I love you too, robs
Robin: get me sprite please.
Robin: and pads ultra absorbent in the orange wrapper.
Eddie: will do with haste, m’lady
Eddie: got you a new bottle of midol and a large chewy nerds rope
Robin: thank you
Robin: just don’t tell me when you suck his dick, that’s all I ask
Eddie: I make no promises.
Seen just now
Steve: Why is there like five Reese’s eggs sitting on my bedspread right now?
Eddie: I’m apologizing
Steve: For?
Steve: Wait…Is this about that gorilla? Dude, don’t worry about that. You could’ve told me that it happened eight years ago.
Eddie: oh thank god
Eddie: robin keeps encountering me in the kitchen in the middle of the night with her scary lesbian aura and the eyes sharp enuf to kill a man
Eddie: I got you ice cream and flowers, too did you see them ????
Seen 3m ago
Steve: When are you coming home?
Eddie: uhhhhh
Eddie: like two hours my shift here should be done by then if my dickwad of a manager lets me out on time
Eddie: fucker might ask me to stay back tho because the closers can’t do their jobs
Eddie: why?
Steve: I need to eat your love straight out of your asshole.
Eddie: Jesus
Eddie: …
Eddie: damnit Steve, now I’m fully erect in the walk-in
Steve: You can’t come home now?
Eddie: no sweetheart I can’t
Seen 5m ago
Steve: I put your pillows on my bed. If you don’t fuck me into next Sunday when you come back, I’ll tell Robin you’re the reason our couch has a huge stain on it.
Eddie: mmm
Eddie: you drive a hard bargain but…ok.
Steve: Really? You’re easy to convince.
Eddie: you kidding me? I’ve been wanting you in bed with me since the day I met you, pretty boy
Eddie: im fucking over the moon right now that my proposition worked
Steve: If you call it “propositioning” one more time, Robin will know about the couch.
Eddie: okay fine, I’m not propositioning
Eddie: I’m rizzing you up
Steve: What does that mean?
Eddie: you’re so offline and it’s doing things to me
Eddie: charming. I’m charming u
Eddie: you’re my favorite old person.
Steve: ?
Steve: I’m twenty-three.
Eddie: whatever you say, peepaw
Eddie: I gotta go have to take care of this massive hard-on you gave me. can’t wash dishes like this
Steve: Yeah? We should put that to the test.
Eddie: and I’m the freak ??
Seen just now
Robin has created a group chat with two other people
Robin: the next time you guys resolve the issues you two idiots create for each other, can you let me know ahead of time? you’re lucky I didn’t bring Chrissy home with me from class.
Eddie: I don’t know what you’re talking about nothing happened
Robin: I thought somebody brought home a girl, but it was just Steve.
Steve: Do I sound like a pretty girl at least?
Robin: the prettiest, but seriously.
Robin: I don’t need to hear you guys getting it on while I’m trying to eat my after school taco.
Eddie: don’t you need Chrissy for that ??
Robin: I’m going to put nair in your shampoo.
Steve liked a message: "the prettiest, but seriously."
Steve: I’m ordering pizza. You guys want cheesy bread?
Robin: Yes!
Eddie: plz? With the garlic dip too 🥺 ??
Steve liked a message: "plz? with the garlic dip too 🥺 ??"
Robin: you text like a bottom
Steve: Trust me, he’s not. ;)
Robin: uggghhhhh!! I’m so proud of you two but also go fuck yourselves, you turds
Eddie: with pleasure
Eddie: robs, steve and I are gonna have sex before the pizza gets here
Robin: you two are insufferable.
Robin: I’m gonna sit on the porch and call my girlfriend. before I implode.
Delivered 10m ago
Robin: Chrissy says congratulations.
Delivered 2m ago
Eddie: robs, I’m about to have birthday sex with Steve
Eddie: put your headphones on
Robin: he opened that game you got him and immediately needed to do it? Jesus
Eddie: about to get me a slice of that birthday cake if you know what I mean
Robin: please just shut up.
Robin: Eddie.
Eddie: ? wut
Robin: you need to tell your boyfriend that he can’t use voice to text when you two are flirting
Robin: I was on the phone with my fucking gyno’s office and I could hear him through the other room say
Robin: and I quote
Robin: “I’m going to ravish that perky ass of yours.”
Robin: my gyno asked me if I was busy, Edward. busy having buttsex with my platonic soulmate. I was humiliated.
Robin: I need you to have a convo with him or something.
Eddie: u should buy earplugs
Robin: I WAS ON THE PHONE, EDWARD
Robin: ON THE PHONE WITH MY VAGINA DOCTOR
Robin: IT WAS EMBARRASSING FOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED
Eddie: but he’s such a slow typer
Eddie: it’s literally like watching my uncle try and use his phone
Eddie: but fine.
Eddie: I’ll make him play that game I got him or something instead of text me
Robin: fucking thank you
Robin: and stop leaving your dildo in the bathtub
Eddie: wut dildo ?? I don’t own a dildo
Robin: …
Robin: I’m gonna wring his neck, brb
Eddie: he’s using a dick that isn’t mine ?? :(
Delivered 10m ago
Steve: If I can’t use voice to text to flirt, then you shouldn’t be able to have loud phone sex with Chrissy, Robs.
Robin: …no comment
Eddie: are u having loud phone sex with MY platonic soulmate ??
Eddie: bro…
Robin: she told me my trumpet tounging skills were good and that she couldn’t stop thinking about them
Robin: 😔 so I got horny with it, I’m sorry
Eddie: birdie getting horny on main ?? with a praise kink of all things ??
Steve: Hey, I take offense to that. You praise me all the time.
Eddie reacted to a message: "Hey, I take offense to that. You praise me all the time."
Eddie: sorry sweetheart, ’twas only in jest
Robin: I thought Stevie was listening to music while playing his farm game! I didn’t think he could hear me!
Eddie: tsk tsk
Robin: I’m going to Chrissy’s. and turning my notifs off.
Eddie: where does she live ??
Robin: what? you’ve been to her parent’s house
Eddie: in pound town ?!!
Eddie: oh that… that sent too l8
Steve: Eddie, can you come back from your uncle’s? I started playing Stardew Valley this morning and I’m at a point where I need to find the mayor’s shorts. I don’t know where they are.
Steve: Never mind. Got them.
Steve: Why were they in Marnie’s room?
Eddie: steve… baby …
Steve: ?
Eddie: they were having crazy sex animal style
Seen just now
Steve disliked a message: "they were having crazy sex animal style"
Steve: When are you going to stop being on the internet? It’s fundamentally changed something in you that I don’t think can ever be reverted.
Eddie: that would be whimsy, m’lord
Eddie: and childlike wonder
Robin: can you guys get a room? I’m trying to drive and my stupid car play keeps reading out your text messages.
Steve: Why won’t this character leave his bedroom? Is he Eddie?
Eddie: … ur so feisty today
Steve: Feisty for you.
Robin: GET A ROOM, YOU FREAKS
Delivered just now
Robin: I just got home and Steve’s in the exact same spot on the couch that I left him in at like noon. it’s six.
Eddie: is he seriously still on that game I got him ??
Robin: the farm game, right? otherwise, he bought a new game while I was gone
Eddie: yeh. he mentioned it like once and I thought it wood be nice for his birthday but now I’m regretting my choices
Robin: I just peeked my head into the living room and he’s currently feeding chickens on the big screen and cooing at them as if they’re real. I don’t think we’re gonna be watching Chopped tonight.
Eddie: 😔 that’s my favorite part of our dinners tho
Robin: it’s your fault. he’s been on there since like eight this morning.
Robin: I heard him yelling about some bitch named Pierre because he couldn’t buy seeds. I thought this was supposed to be a relaxing game??
Eddie: it usually is but you know Steve
Eddie: he rages over like every game
Eddie: I just thought it would be a change of pace from that match three game he keeps getting himself sucked into
Robin: mmm…that royal match one, right? he keeps sending me invites. think he’s on like level 560.
Eddie: how ?? he started playing that two days ago
Robin: pattern recognition.
Eddie: ahhh yeahhh pattern recognition
Eddie: the reason why every horror movie marathon ends up boring for him
Eddie: he figured out the killers in the new scream movies within the first ten minutes
Robin: he’s yelling about someone named marnie?? he needs to buy hay but can’t get it. I might need you to come back from your uncle’s and convince him to put the controller down.
Eddie: no, marnie can go fuck herself. she’s having an affair with the mayor and putting everybody’s animals in jeopardy.
Robin: so much rage and gossip for a game about farming.
Seen just now
Robin: Eddie, he’s making kissy noises at an NPC and telling him that he’s gonna capture all the frogs in the world.
Robin: should I be worried?
Eddie: nah, just let him be at least this is giving him something to do
Eddie: he’s been having a pretty bummer week
Eddie: had a phone call with his parents. didn’t end well.
Robin: ah, okay. will you pick up our normal pizza order on your way back?? I’m not in the mood to cook tonight.
Eddie: yeh, sure
Robin: remind me to send you money on Venmo.
Robin: I’m gonna get him to info dump.
Robin: maybe I’ll start playing with you guys, too.
Eddie: don’t worry about the Venmo thing. but I am going to force you to play. think you’ll love it.
Eddie: although, then I’ll have to deal with two Stardew addicts
Eddie: oh well, be home soon
Seen 2m ago
Robin: can Chrissy live with us?
Eddie: I don’t see a problem with it, homie
Steve: Yeah, I don’t see why not.
Steve: Is everything okay though? Does she need a place to stay right now?
Robin: everything’s fine, Stevie. don’t need to worry
Robin: I just want her with me and as much as I love you guys, I’m tired of being the only woman in the apartment
Robin: and being the only level-headed one
Robin: but mainly because I want to cuddle my girlfriend every night
Steve: Yeah, sure.
Eddie: fuck yeah
Eddie: two pairs of best friend chaos
Eddie: surely this will go well
Robin added a person to the group
Chrissy: Hey guys!!
Eddie: Chrissy, my love my light my world
Eddie: you’re going to regret everything
Steve emphasized a message: "Chrissy, my love my light my world"
Steve: I thought I was that?
Eddie: you’re my moon, stars, and galaxy
Eddie: you’re the universe
Steve: Hehe, really?
Robin: hey chris, this is how they are please get used to it because they’ve been driving me insane for months now
Chrissy: I think it’s cute! 💕
Chrissy: I should add them in the Sims!!
Steve: What’s that?
Robin: oh no
Eddie: Chrissy, don’t do it don’t tell him
Chrissy: Oh, it’s this game where you can make characters and build them a house and basically guide their lives. It’s really cool, Steve!
Chrissy: You should play it!
Steve: Is it fun?
Chrissy: Oh my god, yeah! You can make anybody and literally do anything.
Chrissy: Like think of all the people you hate.
Chrissy: You can make them and kill them and make them suffer and it doesn’t actually harm anybody in real life, it’s great! 💕
Robin: Chrissy
Chrissy: Yes, love?
Robin: he just disappeared into the home office.
Eddie: somebody needs to take his card away from him like right now
Robin: too late. I just heard the music start up.
Eddie: Chrissy, I love you to bits and pieces but I think you’ve successfully indoctrinated a new monster
Steve: I can fine tune the genders of these guys.
Steve: I’m making a dog and his name is going to be Peanut.
Steve: This game is wonderful.
Delivered 30m ago
Steve: Eddie’s pregnant and the kitchen is on fire.
Eddie: wut how it’s been half an hour
Eddie: why am I pregnant
Eddie: steve, what did you do
Steve: 😏
Steve: You know what I did.
Eddie: Steve. I’m coming home early from my trip at Wayne’s. but I need you to answer when I call you. I can’t be horny in here.
Robin: You guys are disgusting. Chrissy, what have you done?
Chrissy: Robin, we’re getting married in the Sims.
Robin: I luv you 💕
Chrissy: Now we’re having sex animal style.
Eddie: I hate that I taught you that.
Steve: We had a son.
Seen just now
Eddie liked a message: "We had a son."
Eddie: name him corn. it would be funny
Seen 5m ago
Eddie: no love for corn boy ?
Steve: Sometimes I wish you would shut up.
Eddie: make me
Steve: I’m gonna be fucking Eddie when he comes home in like thirty minutes. Don’t come back until I text you.
Robin: I’m staying at Chrissy’s tonight to help her pack. don’t do butt stuff on the couch.
Eddie: I make no promises
Steve liked a message: "I make no promises"
Seen 5m ago
Robin: Steve, what’s with the orange envelope on my desk? it’s too ominous for my liking.
Steve: You should open it! :D
Steve: It’s a gift for you and Chris for your guys’ one year!
Robin: CHAPPELL ROAN
Steve: :)
Steve: In New York, too! I found the good flights from Chicago to there and back. I booked you guys a hotel and there’s a whole printed out page of all the good restaurants in the area! And I also have some cash that you guys can use for food and souvenirs and stuff!
Robin: …Steve you beautiful beautiful man thank you
Robin: I’m making your favorite dinner tonight
Steve: Eddie’s reading a book right next to me, though?
Robin: why are you gay
Robin: no bitch. I was talking about a reuben sandwich
Robin: but I guess if you wanna suck cock, then whatever
Steve: Eh. I’ll save it for dessert.
Steve: Also, you don’t have to act surprised about those tickets. I know you looked through my emails.
Steve: You’re literally this motherfucker.
Steve has sent an image
Robin: That’s literally just Snoopy.
Steve: You got this.
Robin: …oh
Robin: maybe don’t subscribe to People magazine and then leave fifteen tabs about harambe open on my laptop
Steve: Blame Eddie.
Robin: Blame Eddie, you’re so right.
Eddie: Chrissy, am I being shunned?
Chrissy: Harambe.
Eddie: what?
Steve: The gorilla.
Eddie: not this again
Robin: you have been banished to the shadows for aiding me in my quest to find the Chappell Roan tickets
Eddie: YOURE THE ONE WHO SNOOPED I TOLD YOU NOT TO
Chrissy: Babe…you told me you didn’t.
Sent 10m ago
Robin: I’ve been shunned :(
Eddie: welcum to the club, loser
Robin: I hate you
Eddie: :)
Steve: Eddie’s pregnant again.
Seen just now
Eddie liked a message: "Eddie's pregnant again."
Eddie: plz name it corn this time plzzz
Steve disliked a message: "plz name it corn this time plzzz"
Eddie: I shall avenge you corn boy, for you will not be shunned like your father
Steve: If I stop shunning you and suck your dick, will you be normal?
Eddie: maybe
Steve: Robin, Chrissy. I need you to go to the grocery store for a little bit. I have something to do before I need to go to work and you guys can’t be here.
Robin: you guys are like rabbits when is it hunting season
Steve: Love you too
Robin: Love you more, dingus. Just please stop fucking all the time.
Eddie: how else am I going to be pregnant?
Robin has left the group chat