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He never intends it to be a big thing. He’s done the whole to-do before, made a whole thing out of telling someone exactly where his heart is in the mix of it all. The first serious relationship he had after coming out felt like doing everything for the first time, and in a lot of ways it was. He’d spent so much of his adult life trying to fit into a hetero-normative relationship that when he finally met a guy and fell in love and everything felt the way all the movies and songs described it, he wanted all of it.
And granted, he’s always been a hopeless romantic at heart. Maybe that was a form of self-preservation in the midst of all the loneliness, that he could believe that someone might actually come along one day and sweep him away the way all the movies say happens. Still, when he’s actually had those moments, they never measured up. He’s given his entire heart to someone on a silver platter, flowers and candles included, only to have that moment fall short of what he expects out of it.
But then he meets Evan.
And it’s a tenuous thing for a while. Because when they first meet, and the first date falls flat on his face with Evan basically shoving them both back in the closet, he’s sure that this gorgeous man he’s felt his heart quickening at is just another passing blip, something he probably shouldn’t let himself get so tied down too. He reminds himself not to get too excited when Chimney or Hen calls about something small; when Eddie wants to know if he wants to rent the next fight and split the price.
And then Evan calls back and asks him out for coffee. And Tommy knows how much courage it takes, just to take another stab at something when it’s already fallen on its face once. He understands even more how scary it is to suggest the idea that the person you’re dating wants to out themselves to an entire group of people, more specifically their group of people. But for as apprehensive as he was, the wedding went off without (much of) a hitch, save for the awkward glances coming from the Buckley parents. Still, Tommy had long since learned that Evan’s thoughts on whose opinion really mattered about his personal life had more to do with Bobby Nash and Athena Grant than it did Philip and Margaret Buckley.
He knows it’s coming after that; knows that even if Evan isn’t quite ready to shout from the rooftops that he’s bisexual, that at the very least, he’s okay with his loved ones knowing, and that’s what really matters to Tommy. As it is, Evan becomes the one who takes on a penchant for PDA, whether it’s a hospital waiting room, a bar on a Friday night after a shift, or the middle of the Pride parade. Tommy knows Evan meant it when he wasn’t sure what he was ready for, and he’d never mention it out loud for fear of scaring him back into some need to cower from outside opinions that don’t actually matter, but his boyfriend is no shrinking violet in embracing letting people know just how much he likes Tommy. And at that point, how is Tommy not supposed to fall back?
He waits a respectable amount of time. Even though they never actually put an exclusivity label on it all, neither of them are seeing other people. Dates on days off turn into showing up for each other atter a long shift, which turn into overnights, and then long weekends. They still live separately, but Tommy isn’t entirely sure why when one of them is always at the other’s place. Showing up for a loved one becomes a package deal, mostly because they’re just so limited already in the amount of time they get with one another.
Maddie tells him she thinks it’s cute. Chimney jokes that it’s gross, that he doesn’t need to see his brothers quite that domestic with one another, though he refuses to admit that he finds it endearing. Eddie just gags at the sight of them at this point. Hen never complains, instead only ever commenting that she’s happy to see her two friends finally settled in a relationship, although the fact that it’s with each other was never on her bingo card.
And Bobby…well Bobby sees it before he ever says a word. In the midst of a family dinner (breakfast) at the end of a long shift for the 118 that Tommy showed up to because Evan’s jeep was in the shop, and they already had plans to spend the weekend together.
“You should tell him,” Bobby says after sending the rest of the shift off to change into their civies.
“Hmm?”
Bobby tilts his head at Tommy. “It’s written all over your face, Tommy. And I think everyone knows it but him.”
Tommy can’t help glancing towards the first floor then, apprehensive at the suggestion.
“Besides,” Bobby continues, drawing his attention back. “The whole house is betting on Buck going first, and I’ve got five hundred on you.”
They’re standing in the kitchen again. They’d fallen asleep after getting back to Evan’s place when his shift ended, taken some well-deserved rest. After waking up, Evan had mentioned wanting to go back to their place; Miceli’s is only known to them as that now. It’s a Friday night, so Tommy had to call ahead to make sure they’d have the table, but at this point, there’s very little he’s not willing to do to satisfy his boyfriends wants and needs, regardless as to how ridiculous they may get.
Evan is rambling on about another deep dive, and Tommy doesn’t mind. He enjoys learning little things from the vast amounts of knowledge his boyfriend consumes. More than that, he enjoys the way Evan lights up when he gets on a tangent. As the girls would say, it something about Evan that makes him get all “swirly”.
“So I said to Eddie, just because giraffes are more likely than people to get struck by lightning doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be. I mean I think I proved-..”
“I’m so in love with you,” he murmurs as Evan’s midway through his sentence.
The blonde stares at him slackjawed, eyes unfocused and looking as though he’s just found the answers to a question he never thought to ask but always wondered, the very same way he did the first time they kissed.
“W-what,” he rasps.
Tommy gives a small nod, the hint of a smile on his face as his eyes trail down Evan’s chest, the fingers on his left hand rubbing gentle circles over Evan’s hip. His gaze drifts back up, finding those crystal blue eyes he so desperately wants to spend every spare second drowning in.
“I’m in love with you, Evan,” he says in that monotone voice, like he’s not shifting their entire universe with those six words. “Stay awake after a twenty-four, drink your god-awful idea of good coffee, let all of my limbs fall go numb if it makes you comfortable to fall asleep on me, in love with you.”
Evan clears his throat then, but Tommy has a front-row view to the way tears run into his waterline, and it occurs to him in that moment, maybe someone has never actually told his boyfriend that he matters that much to them. And on one hand, he’s glad he gets to be the first, but on the other, he wants to fill a room with every person that’s ever claimed to love Evan Buckley in the past and ask them how they could possibly tell him that without explaining just how much.
“You don’t have to say it back right now,” he continues. “I just wanted you to know that; that I love you.”
Evan lifts his hand to Tommy’s shoulder and takes a step forward, fingers wrapped around the other man’s collarbone as he leans into him, slides his tongue into Tommy’s mouth. There’s such a gentleness about it, that Tommy almost doesn’t need the words. Any clarity of what exists between them burns its brightest when they’re like this, skin on skin, always needing to touch one another to ground themselves.
He breaks them apart after a time, eyes closed for half a second longer, just taking in the moment. Evan’s hand shifts up, rests against the side of his neck as his thumb trails over Tommy’s jaw.
“I think I fell in love with you the first time we stood here,” Evan admits softly. “When you asked me if it was okay that you kissed me.”
Tommy lets out a silent chuckle as a smile crosses his face. Evan tilts his head to the side, that same sheepish smile Tommy has come to love playing on his features. Tommy finally manages to lift his gaze and meet Evan’s once more, bringing a thumb up to brush against his bottom lip.
“If you had told me flying into a hurricane on a whim would get me here, I think I would’ve called your bluff.”
Tommy’s smile pulls wider across his face and he leans back in, kisses the corner of Evan’s mouth. He tilts his head up then, whispers into Evan’s ear.
“I thank God every day that I answered Chim’s phone call because I don’t want a version of this life that doesn’t have you in it.”
Evan leans into him at those words, buries his face in the crook of Tommy’s neck, and Tommy kisses his shoulder as his hand runs over Evan’s back soothingly. When Evan finally pulls back, he rests his forehead against Tommy’s, eyes closed, swept up in the wave of emotion the conversation has brought up between them.
“I feel so lucky to get to love you, be in love with you.” He pauses for a tick. “Be loved by you.”
“There’s no luck involved, babe,” Tommy murmurs to him. Even with his eyes closed, tears slip past them, and then Tommy’s hands are on his face, wiping them away.
“You are so deserving of it, Evan,” he tells him softly. “And you make it so easy.”