Chapter Text
We were in bed, like almost every night since we started dating almost a year ago, and I was always caught by the terrible feeling of being completely empty even when he had his cock so deep inside me. Maybe that was the reason we ended up together, both of us trying to fill the emotional void with sex, and it was so much easier in the beginning. The last few months have been even more painful because I felt so unsatisfied after we had sex. The loneliness, even when we were together, was there all the time. I couldn’t fight against it because I loved him. At least I was sure about that, and I clung to it with all my will, even though I wasn't so sure that he loved me back the same way. If being with him made me feel alone, how would it be without him? It was suffocating. I was stuck, even if it was by my own will.
“Just like that, I’m close…”
I stopped thinking when he smacked my ass, fucking me from behind like he was always doing lately, refusing to look at me even in these moments. I faked an orgasm, grinding against him, waiting for it to be over soon. Lately, I felt this hunger. I really wanted to be touched, the heat... but what he was giving me was so cold and distant that I didn’t feel the same anymore. The only good part of our relationship was already dying as well. I lifted my head a bit while he was still thrusting against me, and I was thankful when I felt him cum, knowing that in a few minutes he would be asleep and I would have a few moments to feel my shot of guilt by myself.
Once we were done, he kissed my neck and got off me, turning me in bed and kissing me on the mouth before dropping his body by my side, sighing a bit loudly and whispering ‘goodnight’ before closing his eyes.
I waited a few minutes and left the bed, feeling his juices running down my thighs, and went to the bathroom to clean myself up.
It didn’t use to be like that. I didn’t feel so used and dirty after sex, and I don’t know exactly when it started, but it was really getting under my skin. I took a quick shower and dressed in my pajamas, putting a robe over them before leaving the room, already knowing that Chris was sleeping deeply.
I sat in the kitchen and opened an energy drink can, as the other options were alcoholic. I was really stuck in my thoughts, trying to avoid the screaming voice inside my head that was telling me about the shitty life I was having over a relationship.
Chris and I have been together for a year, and a few months ago, he invited me to move in with him. I didn’t know why he did that, or why I said yes to it, since it was obvious that we weren't as well as we were at the beginning. I was painfully aware of my emotional dependency, and a lot of times there was a bit of comfort there, but it wasn’t like that anymore. I thought that things would get better, but I was so wrong.
He started to get distant, and I started to think that he was having an affair, or more than one. I got my confirmation when I spent a few minutes on his phone, which was really bad for me, and it got worse because I forgave him and believed that he wouldn’t do that again. Of course he did. I just didn’t have the energy to care that much anymore, and in one of our fights, I desperately asked him to at least use a condom when he fucked someone else. Yeah, really depressing. How did I become a person with no self-love?
A lot of times I almost broke up with him, I did the whole script in my head and felt the pain even before it happened, but never had the guts to actually do it. He had some power over me, something that I couldn’t explain, that always made me put his needs before mine. And I knew that it was my fault because I let it happen.
It’s really dangerous when we find comfort in really deep holes; it’s too hard to get out. I knew that someday I would make it, when my energy really hit rock bottom, and I knew it was close to happening.
At first, Chris was so happy and sweet with me, so caring. Always taking me out to dinner, showing me off like a trophy to his friends. This changed little by little, almost imperceptibly, and when I realized it, I was already living in his apartment, alone all the time, waiting for him to get home and give me a little attention.
I had a part-time job, and I had just gone back to studying, choosing to do it by my computer. Chris worked all day, so we usually only had time together at night, and even that was vanishing because he was always getting home late, telling me that he was with some friends. When I did the same, he started arguing with me because he couldn’t stand that I acted the same way as him, so I stopped. I didn’t want to fight.
And then I was getting isolated until I was pretty much alone and depending on him. The worst part was being aware of that, knowing how fucked up I was. I could have moved back with my friend if I wanted to, I could have ended the relationship for good and freed myself from the bad things he did to me, but somehow I couldn’t move.
A few weeks back, Chan came home a little sooner than usual and surprised me by bringing a friend with a pair of big suitcases, telling me that he needed a place to stay for a while and that he was going to use our spare room. He didn’t ask my opinion, he just… let me know. I always knew that the apartment was his and that it didn’t matter what I thought.
At first, I thought having someone there could be bad for our privacy, but Hyunjin worked at night, so we barely saw him. It was almost impossible for the three of us to be there at the same time. I almost didn’t see him when he moved in, just a few times when I woke up in the middle of the night after giving up on sleep, always going to the balcony to watch the sunrise.
Hyunjin just waved at me, passing by and going straight to his room, almost like he was too shy to talk to me. The more I saw him, the more I noticed him… his looks. He was so pretty that it was truly unfair to the usual guys to stand next to him. Maybe I was too sad to notice at first, and it took me almost a month to see him, to actually see him as a person. I didn’t have any problem with him, of course, he was always sweet and gentle to me. I just really couldn’t see him.
Somehow, in the past week, he became part of my insomnia routine. I’d wake up, get up, and end up bumping into him, since he usually came home when it was almost dawn. We were meeting quite often, so we started to talk more to each other, and that really helped me forget a little bit about the other things in my life.
“Good morning, dawn lady. No sleeping again?”
“Good morning, club boy. Was it too crowded today? And yeah, it’s been hard to sleep lately.”
“It was. A lot of people go straight to work after there. I’m getting tired of working nights. Gotta find something else.”
“Being a barman is exhausting. Didn’t you go to college?”
“Yeah, I had to drop out because it was too expensive. My last job was at a law firm, and it was alright until the owner ended the partnership, and a lot of people, including me, got fired.”
"I see… I’m sorry about that. If you want, I have a friend who works at a firm. Maybe I could recommend you to work as her assistant? It wouldn’t be much money, but at least you would work less… and during the day."
He chuckled softly, pushing his long hair behind his ears and downing a glass of water all at once. I wish I hadn’t noticed the details of his neck, or the way his plump, pretty lips were wet once he was done.
“Yeah, I would like that. This job is gonna kill me…”
Hyunjin started emptying the pockets of his jacket, placing everything on the table where we were sitting. A small pile of papers with names and numbers scribbled on them caught my attention.
“It looks like you're pretty popular.”
“Oh, I don’t have time for that, but yeah, you could say that I am.” He raised his eyebrows before crumpling up the papers and throwing them in the trash right beside us, leaving just his keys, phone, and some chewing gum.
“You should enjoy it!”
“I’m totally focused on getting back to studying now, but I will, eventually.”
The sun was already rising, and I needed to start preparing food for the week, so I excused myself to my boyfriend's friend and went back inside, trying not to think about how much I missed being single and putting my number in pretty boys' jackets. Chris had really taken my glow away. I barely recognized myself. While I was taking care of the food, the question that echoed in my mind was ‘until when?’
Hyunjin passed by me and smiled, heading to the bathroom. He used to take a shower and sleep during the afternoon, and I knew that I would only see his face again at dawn if I woke up at 5 am or earlier, and that upset me a bit because I really liked talking to him.
A few minutes later, I saw him coming out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist, quickly entering his room. I took a deep breath because I shouldn’t be looking at him like that.
I did everything I had to do and barely noticed the time passing. I just realized it was late when the door of our room opened, and I saw Chris coming to the kitchen already dressed for work.
“Good morning, beautiful. What did you cook? Smells great!”
“I made bibimbap, but I left a few things separate… just in case.”
“You’re perfect.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek, hugging me from behind, and I felt a sudden urge to cry because it was exactly at these moments that I got attached to him and couldn’t move on. Chris hasn’t always been bad, and when he acted like that, how he should and was supposed to, I always thought about how much I didn’t want to lose that. I had to take a deep breath and fake a smile, helping him prepare what he needed before he left.
We barely talked, and he left for work, taking the packed lunch I made for him. I also did the same for Hyunjin. I started doing it recently because I noticed that he was eating just crappy food. As far as I knew, he paid a symbolic amount of money to Chris to help with the food and other things, he just did not pay rent because Chris didn’t want him to.
Somehow, I felt less lonely when Hyunjin was at the apartment, even if I barely saw him.
I remembered texting my friend to ask her about open positions so I could recommend Hyunjin, and she replied really fast, asking me for his contact because she was in fact looking for an assistant. I got really excited, then I remembered that I didn’t have his number.
I didn’t want to wake him up because of that—I knew how tired he was—but I just had to. He would be really upset if I didn’t tell him just because I was feeling sorry about his lack of sleep.
I went to his door and gave a few shy knocks, not sure if he would hear.
“Hyunjin?”
Silence.
I sighed and knocked again, a bit louder this time, considering maybe opening the door to call him from there, but I didn’t have to. He opened.
“Yes?”
His eyes were narrowed because of the sudden brightness, and his lips even more full, swollen as he had just woken up. His hair was a beautiful mess, and I confess that I lost myself a bit, but I tried to act normal.
“Sorry for waking you, but I need your number so I can send it to my friend. She wants to schedule an interview with you.”
He widened his eyes and held both my shoulders, his excitement rising while I spoke to him.
“For God's sake, you don’t have to apologize! Give me your phone now so I can save my number. And thank you so much for that!” He rubbed his eyes, now fully awake while saving his contact on my phone, and I couldn’t help but smile at him when he gave it back.
“I hope it works out for you. She is quite demanding, but really great at her job.”
“If this works out, I’ll treat you and Chris to a nice dinner as a thank you.”
“You don’t have to!”
“Yeah, I do. You’re doing so much for me already.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t see any problem. Anyways, I’m going back to the kitchen now. Gotta work soon.”
“I’m not sleeping anymore. Is there anything I can do to help you out?”
“Sure, I would be really happy if you could do the dishes for me. I still have a few things to pack.”
“Yeah, of course. Give me two minutes to change, and I’ll be there doing whatever you ask.”
I blinked a few times, realizing I didn’t have an appropriate answer. He turned around and went back to his room, and only then did I notice his pajamas—shorts that showed his toned thighs. He was really tall and not as athletic as Chris, and I didn’t even know why I was comparing them.
I kept doing my things, and Hyunjin showed up in the kitchen, helping me with everything I had to do. He also told me not to worry because he would take care of the rest of the things during the day.
We talked about a few random things, and he had already received a text from my friend. He was so excited about having a job interview that he hugged me really tight. I know it was just an innocent hug, just for being grateful, but why did it hit me so differently? The heat of his body against mine made me really aware of my own body. It was weird. When he stepped back, I smiled at him and wished him good luck, going right to my room as fast as I could.
I had to take a moment and breathe a few times because accepting that I was feeling attracted to my boyfriend's friend would be a huge problem, right?
That day I got really distracted at work. The relationship issues got under my skin more than I could control, but it was really weird and new thinking about someone else but Chris. During the afternoon, I caught myself holding my phone with the chat with Hyunjin open, typing and erasing some messages I wanted to send him, like ‘How was the interview?’ or ‘Have you eaten today?’ But I ended up not sending anything.
On the bus, coming back to the apartment, my phone beeped with a message notification, and my heart skipped a beat for no reason, just because I was thinking about him again, even knowing that he wasn’t going to text me.
Yuna: Giiiirl! He is really cute, this friend of yours. He has a gf?
Me: Yeah, he does.
Yuna: Ohhh, dammit! But I’m thinking about hiring him anyway, he is pretty good for the position. Let me know if he becomes single, okay?
Me: Ahah! Sure… I’m glad that it worked out. Thank you for that!
I faced the chat, looking at the lie I just told her, and I was mortified with myself. It was so automatic, just by thinking of them getting involved, I felt distressed.
So it was really concerning.
When I got to the apartment, somehow Chris was already there. He was drinking a beer and offered me one, but I didn’t feel like it, so I refused.
“What are we eating today for dinner?”
“We have a lot of food. I cooked this morning.”
“Hm, I was thinking about ordering some. Hyunjin is here, we wanted to celebrate his new job. He told me you helped him.”
“I just gave his number to Yuna. She’s always looking for assistants.”
“Even so, thanks for that. He deserves better than a bar.”
“I like to help, you know that…”
“Yeah, babe. You’re just perfect.”
He was just being normal, being the way he was supposed to be all the time. I loved Chris so much that it hurt me, but I was in a place where I kept waiting for things from him, and I just knew it was about to go bad because it always happened.
“I’m gonna take a shower, then we can order something… what do you think?”
“Sure, I’ll be waiting here.”
My shower was longer than usual, and I wore some casual clothes instead of my short pajamas, since Hyunjin was there too. When I came back to the living room, Chris had already ordered the food, and I was just thankful it wasn’t spicy. But it bothered me that he hadn't waited for me to decide.
Hyunjin was in the room too. Both of them were drinking beers, the cans occupying almost all the space on the coffee table, most of them from my boyfriend.
“When do you start your new job?” I sat on the opposite side. “Congrats on getting it!”
“It wouldn't have happened without your help!” Hyunjin leaned his body forward to hold both my hands in a gesture of gratitude, catching me by surprise. Chris was laughing, and his attention was somewhere else but us. “Really, thank you. I’m really buying you guys dinner when I start there. She said she would let me know about the date, but it’s gonna be next week.”
“And you, my love? When are you changing your job? It’s about time, right?” Chris suddenly said, interrupting us and pointing at me. “You don’t make enough money, you gotta work harder.”
“I just went back to studying… it will take some time until I find something, but I will.”
I was really embarrassed. He didn’t need to say anything, especially like that, and especially in front of other people. Hyunjin narrowed his eyes, looking at Chris, and didn’t say anything, but it was obvious how uncomfortable he was about the rudeness of his friend.
“I hope you do.” Chris closed the subject, draining another can, and then the doorbell rang, signaling that the food had arrived, and he got up to pick it up.
“I’m sorry about that…” I tried to talk, feeling my cheeks burning and my eyes tearing up a little bit, but I refused to cry. “He can be very rude when he drinks that much.”
“You can’t blame only the alcohol. And I’m sorry.”
His voice was pretty serious, as were his expressions. Hyunjin didn’t hide how much he disapproved of his friend’s attitude, and I just hoped it wouldn't become some sort of conflict, because I couldn’t handle it.
We had dinner in dead silence, Hyunjin still quiet and barely looking at Chris, while my dear boyfriend couldn’t drop his phone, not even for five minutes, probably talking to some woman. I took a really deep breath to stay quiet about it because making a scene would be the worst-case scenario.
I cleaned up the table after we ate, and Hyunjin insisted on helping me, doing the dishes while Chris kept doing the same shit on his phone, smiling at the screen, typing nonstop.
“Do you need anything else?”
“Oh, no… thanks, Hyunjin. You didn’t need to do all that.”
He looked at Chris with disapproval in his eyes, and I felt really bad for myself for accepting that kind of behavior. My greatest wish at that moment was to grab his phone and throw it on the floor, right after making sure he was indeed talking to some random bitch.
“I did it for you. You really helped me.”
"Chris isn’t being nice today, right? Sometimes he’s like that…” I knew Hyunjin wanted to talk about it, but the apartment was Chris’s, and Hyunjin was living there because he allowed it.
“I just don’t think it’s fair to you, but I'm not gonna meddle.”
“I know, I just…”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me. It’s gonna be fine.”
His intense gaze locked me in, and I wanted to hug him so badly because I hadn’t felt sheltered like that for a while. My life in that apartment was really lonely, and he was being someone really nice to make my days a little better, to brighten the darkness my mind was becoming.
“Anyways… thank you.” I touched his shoulder before standing up and going to my room, making sure that I didn’t even look at Chris when I passed by him. Just a few seconds later, like magic, he came right after me.
I had already closed the door to change my clothes and was already half-naked when Chris opened the door. I could see Hyunjin pretty close to him outside. I was topless, and I grabbed my shirt to cover myself, really desperate because of the exposure. But Chris… he just laughed and closed the door, and that was too much for me.
“You just showed my breasts to your friend. Why are you never careful?!”
“I’m sure he couldn’t see anything. And he wouldn’t do anything to you, he’s pretty harmless.”
He got closer and pushed the shirt out of my hands, throwing it on the bed. I couldn’t even feel the pain of his words because his hands were already on my breasts, and he kissed me. His touch was rough, his kiss was heavy, but I let myself go anyway.
The light was still on, which was rare in our recent fucks, and I just kept it that way. Chris undressed quickly, and I did the same. My thirst was different from his. I was trying to fill my void with sex, and he was probably excited about the other woman he was talking to before, using me as his cocksleeve. Everything was so wrong.
I pushed him onto the bed and got on top, skipping the foreplay as always, and he just slid his cock inside me, his hands full with my tits, squeezing while he teased my nipples. I rolled my hips, trying to grind my clit against his pelvis.
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back, searching for my pleasure in a desperate way, just forgetting completely who I was sitting on. For just a moment, it wasn’t Chris. In my head, I would be having some kind of revenge if I fucked him while thinking about someone else. Silly, but I did it anyway.
Hyunjin took over my mind, and I felt how I clenched while I rode my boyfriend eagerly, making sure I was doing better than usual.
The bed was noisy, and so was Chris. I wondered if we were probably being heard, and I let myself moan louder, wanting our guest to listen to us, to listen to me . I even wanted him to know that I was thinking about him, even though it wasn’t possible.
“Shhhh…” Chris used his hand to shut me up. “He’s gonna hear us.”
I kept moaning against his palm, too close to cum to care about anything else. I closed my eyes and thought about his best friend. How it would be to kiss those full lips, to touch his neck… to feel his cock buried deep inside me. Fantasizing a lot, I came really hard, losing all my strength before Chris turned me over on the bed and got on top of me. My eyes were really blurred by the pleasure, and he was close, so I spread my legs and did everything I could to make it faster. He pulled out and came on my belly, not minding about being loud. He just let his body fall beside me and tried to catch his breath.
“Today you were much more into it…” He said, his fingers playing with my tits again. “You think he heard us?”
Yeah, I was hoping for that.
“I don’t think so. He’s probably sleeping.”
“You’re so amazing.”
Chris pulled my face and kissed me before getting up to clean himself. I wish I had done it first, and I didn’t want to go with him. I heard the shower turning on and started to think about what I just did, feeling the conflict between my guilt and my satisfaction.
I had my time in the shower and put on my pajamas before laying down. Chris was still awake, waiting for me.
“Sorry about that earlier, shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay.”
“I love you. You don’t have to worry about another job.”
His praise and empty words were just cruel, but they didn’t hurt me anymore. If he could lie that well, maybe I should learn it too. Maybe I was even better at it than I thought.
“Love you too. It’s okay.”
Maybe if I said it enough, I could believe it was true.