Chapter Text
It wasn’t your fault.
That’s what Therese told herself over and over again, every single day after she and Carol had broken up. It had been months yet ironically, every word that spilled out of her mouth were constant apologies; apologies that sounded as if her entire existence after Carol was a huge mistake.
5...
I’m sorry I see you everywhere.
Where does one go to disappear? Therese stubbed her half-burned cigarette on the ground. She had just finished her night classes in the university and was yearning to go somewhere else, some place that would not remind her of Carol, or maybe just a place she can cease to exist. She didn’t want to go back to her apartment yet. If she did, she’d be left alone contemplating about how they used to be; how Carol would’ve waited for her to arrive home or how Carol would’ve come by the university so they could grab dinner and walk home together. But there was nowhere else to go. Therese sighed, her breath caught in the coldness of February air. She continued walking aimlessly until she reached the arch in Washington Square Park. She sat by one of the benches and mindlessly watched people coming and going. Therese was looking for Carol in everyone. She was like hunting a ghost that only she could see, hear or feel. She was no one to anyone who passed by. Their lives were tainted by the simple joy of companionship while she sits alone regressing memories from the past like she had some unfinished business. Maybe she was the ghost haunting her own mind.
Where does one go to disappear? It was so easy back then, Therese thought, when she and Carol were still together. It pained her to look back on their memories as lovers but she couldn’t help it. It was like an old broken projector in her mind that kept jumping back to random parts of the past. With Carol before, she knew where to go to disappear. Therese could vividly remember how she and Carol could just drive up to a beach in Southampton and let their woes drift into the ocean. They were different people in front of the seamless sea; their breaths taken away by how the horizon delicately embraces the sea, their minds and bodies barer and lighter in the presence of some higher form. It didn’t matter if it was summer or winter. The crashing of the waves and the waft of the sea breeze brought them some peace that the restlessness of bustling New York City couldn’t give them. During summer, Carol would be sitting in an adirondack chair deep in thought with a paperback while Therese would secretly sketch the gorgeous blonde in her grace in simplicity. Other times, Therese would be out collecting sea shells by the shoreline. Like a child, she’d gladly present them to Carol, point at her favorite one and tell her why. Carol seemed very pleased with how her lover perceived everything in her sight with the light of optimism. She thought of Therese’s youth as something endearing. When there were days that she can’t help but look at life with contempt and gloom, the young woman was there to remind her even without words that there were still things in the world still worth loving. When the sun was about to set down, the playful side of Therese would ask Carol to frolic with her in the calmer waters with the horizon emblazoned in a palette that seemed to blend tangerines and wine. The older woman would be hesitant at first but would soon join her lover as she obliged her with sweet neck kisses and a promise to make the night worth while for the both of them. Their lone silhouette in the backdrop of a golden sunset was a masterpiece to behold. At night in their rented cottage, they would lie together under blankets, their chests constantly rising and falling likened to the crest of the seas. They made love as if the spirit of the waves inhabited them. Before the pair would doze off, they talked about their future together. Last summer, a month before Carol was to return to London, this was the conversation they had:
“You’ll still love me won’t you, dear?” Carol whispered while stroking Therese’s long dark hair. Therese loved it when Carol ran her hands through her hair. She felt electrified in the gentleness of her lover’s touch yet she felt as if all the world fell more silent, more peaceful.
“Would you still love me even when I’m old and tired... and you’re still young and able?” the older woman continued.
“What makes you ask that?” Carol’s question surprised Therese. She shifted closer to the taller woman, their bare bodies entangled in each other.
“I worry about you, dear. You’re young and you… I don’t want you to miss out on so many things in life.” Her voice was husky and slow, as if in any second she might fall asleep.
It occurred to Therese that there might be some truths to what Carol was saying. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to respond because her answer might scare Carol off. She was just twenty three then with her whole life ahead of her. She still had so many things to prove, so many things she wanted to do, but was it so bad that she wanted to do everything with Carol?
“I know I still have so much to see in the world but I want to see most of it with you” she said with her back still turned to Carol.
“There would be times that you would want to discover yourself… on your own. I want you to know I’m fine with it.”
Therese didn’t exactly know what to feel. Was Carol letting her go? Was she saying that she didn’t want to take so much space in her life that she allowed her to? Therese fell silent for a long while and thought about what she could say.
“No matter where I’ll go, I’ll always find my way back to you.”
Sadly, Therese responded too late. Carol didn’t hear her answer. She turned around and saw Carol fast asleep. She drew her mouth close to Carol’s and kissed her.
“I love you,” she said under her breath. The onset of the tides were the only ones able to hear Therese speak then. Therese can now never long for the sea without thinking of Carol. The deep blue can no longer wash away her sorrows. Her memories of Carol came and went like waves. She now wondered if she could get to a shore away from the rapture of the ocean and longing in her soul. There’s no place for her to disappear to. At the end of all of this, she could still see Carol. To her, it would always be Carol.
4…
I’m sorry I’m trying to get rid of you by getting rid of the old me.
When Carol left, Therese felt as if the skies ached with all the hues of pining and regret. She regretted that she now had a life so distant from the thousands of mornings that she could have looked forward to. She always dreamed of waking up to Carol by her side for the rest of her years. But all those dreams that lived between them, or at least within Therese were beginning to gradually fade away, like a cigarette left burning by an open window with embers slowly dying, slowly crumbling into ash. Or a forgotten cup of coffee Carol once used to bring close to her lips, but only left to become stale and bitter. Or perhaps a letter without a return address sent to an empty house. The words contained would never come to fruition, would never rest on the breath of the intended receiver.
Therese drew the curtains from her living room windows. The rays of sunlight touched her tired eyelids. She hadn’t slept well ever since Carol made the decision that there was no room left for her in her life. Dark circles now formed around her then vibrant emerald eyes. The warmth of the sun caressed her face but all she wanted to do was to burn right then and there, to combust into nothingness so she won’t have to feel every degree of pain one had to endure in a breakup. She was restless over having the image of Carol searing in her mind as the first glimpse of her every day.
It was a Tuesday morning in February when Therese had asked Abby to help her get rid of the things Carol left behind in her apartment. She believed it would be easier to move on if there weren’t so many things in her personal space that were tainted with memories of Carol. Therese felt Abby’s occasional gaze on her as she moved from room to room, checking meticulously as if Therese had hidden other Carol-related objects from her. Both of them knew she was likely to do such.
“I guess this is everything” Abby said while holding up a cardboard box of various things spilling out of its edges. Carol’s clothes, letters, gifts, their photographs together… everything that reminded Therese of her once lover was contained in it. Therese lazily turned to face her. She could see a Billie Holiday vinyl peeping out from the corner. She was immediately reminded of that one rainy September afternoon before Carol left for London. She could still vividly remember the phonograph humming “Easy Living” along with the soft beating of the rain in the backdrop. Therese was making tea for herself and Carol when she felt the familiar arms slip through her waist, hugging her loosely from behind. She felt the taller woman’s hips swaying as if urging her to follow. Carol sang softly to Therese’s ear:
“And, I'm so in love. There's nothing in life, but you.”
Therese couldn’t help but sheepishly smile.
“Dance with me, darling.” She felt the warmth of Carol’s breath in her neck, Carol’s mouth so close to her skin. The young brunette turned to her love with adoring eyes and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. The pair would waltz well into the night. Therese wished so hard they could stay like that forever, bounded by a rhythm never to cease.
“Belivet?” Therese was broken off from her daydream and Abby moved towards where she was. She swallowed back her tears. She didn’t want Abby to hear her voice quiver so she just nodded in acknowledgment to whatever she was saying. This is the right thing to do, she tells herself like a mantra. This is the right thing to do. Abby had called her attention once more for she seemed completely spaced out.
“Belivet!” She placed her hand on the smaller woman’s shoulder and shook her a bit.
“I'll be throwing all of them out now. Don’t even think of following me.”
Therese took another glance at the things inside the box as Abby made her way out of her apartment. As soon as she heard the door slammed shut, she hid in her bedroom and let the tears freely roll down. She clutched her pillows tight. She wished she could crawl into the arms of the woman she loved. Although she got rid of most of Carol’s belongings, she knew there was nothing that could stop her mind from wandering back to Carol. There were days when her heart sunk so low that she seemed inconsolable. This was one of those days. Her last plea for Carol to stay echoed in her mind so loudly.
“I’m sorry, Therese. I can’t do this anymore…”
“But you still love me, don’t you?”
Silence.
“...Goodbye, Therese.”
Her sobs finally subsided to whimpers minutes later and she lied down on her back taking up all the space in her bed. She can get lost in her thoughts of Carol for all she wants, but she was already lost to Carol.
Carol will come back for me, Therese tried to convince herself. She believed that if Carol saw how self-destructive and pathetic she was, she might come back in pity and help her rebuild herself again. Therese began to wonder if she could wake up in the middle of the night, pack little of what she had and run away from every single memory she had of Carol. But she can't. Everything reminded her of Carol, even herself. She felt as if she was stained by Carol’s touch--the crook of her neck, the spaces between her fingers, the corners of her mouth. Her body seemed as if it was a jigsaw puzzle that had a missing piece and it could never be whole again.
Therese was not Therese anymore but not quite yet. She had become more distant, more aloof. At work, she would try so hard to muster up a smile for customers and her colleagues in the patisserie, but at the end of the day, she would be itching to come home and be alone. There were days when she felt so low that she didn’t even want to come out of bed. She’d call in sick to her job. She’d miss her art classes in the university. She knew she’d be wasting the money that she painstakingly saved up for all those years just to get a degree. Although she was aware of the potential and drastic consequences that it would lead her to, she absolutely couldn’t get herself to do much more other than just lie down and try to forget that she existed. One night, Therese stared blankly at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her green eyes set deep. Her clavicles even more apparent than before. Her cheekbones and jawline had become more prominent after losing a significant amount of weight. She had terribly reduced her diet to a balance of coffee and cigarettes. Her reflection appeared as if she wasn’t the Therese that Carol had been in love with before... but not quite just yet. In her hands were a pair of kitchen scissors. Therese shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Her mind flashed to the nights when she and Carol would lay down in bed, the woman’s soft hands running through her hair as she whispered “my angel” to her ear. Slowly, Therese cut through her long, dark hair. As she grasped partitions of her hair from the back and laid it across her shoulder, Carol’s voice was echoing in her mind.
“You’ll still love me won’t you, dear?”
Snip.
“You’re young…”
Snip.
“Be on your own.”
Snip.
“I can’t do this anymore…”
Tears streamed down her face. When she was finished, she held the strands of her hair and let them fall to the floor. She cut her hair further, in line with her cheeks but her hair came out uneven. She didn't mind it at all. She stood there motionless for minutes. Therese was no longer Therese. There was nothing left for Carol to find endearing with her, and perhaps nothing to love about her anymore.
3…
I’m sorry I never deserved your love.
How do you fix something that’s broken? Step 1: Sometimes you just have to let them be. There were moments when Therese felt like she was perfectly fine, that she had moved on from Carol and she can function without her again. Carol would be just someone from long ago, some distant memory, and she would be ready for a fresh start soon enough. Therese felt better that day and decided to have a night out with some of her workmates. It was spring, and nature was coming back to life again. Therese, in the midst of all this, asked for weird signs from the universe to let her know when to start forgetting about Carol. It was obnoxious, she believed, to put one’s decisions on complete dependence to random circumstance. Like one time, she asked for this sign: if she won’t get to stand in the train commute home, she would absolutely stop pining for Carol. That afternoon with such certainty and for some inexplicable reason, Therese got a seat in the the train in one the busiest commute hours. But the thing with her is she’s very stubborn. If the sign she asked really did happen, she was quick to say that that wasn’t the real sign and she’s ask for another one. Tonight, she had asked for this sign: if she could score with a girl tonight, she would definitely try to move on.
It was a Friday night in May when she and her workmates headed down to a dive bar somewhere in Williamsburg. It was the birthday of one of their bakers in the patisserie and drinks were on him. Therese felt she was only invited out of pity. She looked unkempt and sad most of the time. She became suddenly aloof to everyone. But tonight, Therese was having a blast so far just laughing with the group and actually conversing with them. She wasn’t evasive like before. She wore a beanie ever since she cut her hair because she didn’t want other people to see the terrible thing she did. It was open mic night and the guys kept drunkenly belting out rock ballads from the 80’s. She was alone by the bar stools completely drunk too when a stunning young redhead approached her. From the little bits that Therese can comprehend, her name was Ella and she was a film major in NYU. Ella was attractive. She had an asymmetrical bob and a beauty mark near her lips. Therese kept gazing at it for no apparent reason other than she was drunk, but Ella had mistakenly thought that Therese wanted to kiss her and so she did. Therese was surprised but she seemed to like it… only because she had imagined that she was kissing Carol instead. She said goodbye to one of her workmates and then they left the bar for Ella’s apartment in Greenpoint. Everything was a blur to her that night, but when she woke up the morning after to a stranger lying naked beside her, she didn’t know what to think of herself because the whole time she was with the woman she was thinking of making love to Carol. Therese was slightly appalled with herself. She gathered all her clothes and started getting dressed as fast as she can without waking up the naked woman on the bed. Therese looked up at the saffron tainted skies in between the jaggedness of the concrete and glass skyline outside the stranger’s apartment. She cursed the universe for having given her a sign to forget Carol when all this time, her former lover was the only thing she could ever think of. She thought to herself as the corners of her eyes started to fill up with the tears she had not longed for: She would never be so happy with anyone again. But was it even possible for love and hate to take up the same space in her heart? Carol made her feel alive. It didn’t matter if it hurt. She just wanted her back. Therese was a complete mess now. Will Carol take notice and take her back?
2...
I’m sorry I keep falling apart.
How do you fix something that’s broken? If Step 1 fails: don’t let them be. Abby came to check on Therese one Saturday morning when she wasn’t able to send her a message that she arrived home safely. The two women had gotten close after Carol left. Abby was like an older sister to Therese. Abby was there looking after her. She was Therese’s voice of reason, telling her often to get her shit together. When the pair separated, Abby took it hard too. She thought Carol and Therese would spend the rest of their lives together. She was left in the such an awkward predicament being Carol’s best friend and Therese’s assumed big sister. Although she knew better than to take sides, she felt extremely sorry for Therese. She thought everything was going fine between Therese and Carol until Therese broke the terrible news to her. She could still remember it. It was past midnight, just a few day’s before New Year’s day when Therese looked like a tragedy standing on her front door. She was desolate and everything just kept going downhill from then on. Abby acted as mediator between the former lovers, but it didn’t work.
When Therese had failed to open her front door after a few knocks, Abby let herself in since she knew where Therese hid her spare key. As she entered, she found Therese sprawled on the living room floor with bottles of alcohol around her. Abby was frightened for a second. She rushed to Therese’s side and shook her but she didn’t respond. She checked her pulse and let out a sigh of relief. She struggled a bit to carry the small woman to the couch. While waiting for Therese to wake up, she cleaned up after the young woman, stowing away bottles, washing her dishes and nibbling some of the chicken nuggets that she had brought for Therese.
“Abby?” Therese was slowly regaining consciousness.
“Goddamnit, Belivet! Are you trying to kill yourself?” No response. “Vodka? That stuff tastes like crap.”
Therese suddenly got up and bolted to the bathroom and started throwing up. Abby was fast to follow with a glass of water and a towel. She would instinctively keep the young girl’s hair out of her face, but when Therese’s beanie fell to the floor...
“What the fuck did you do with your hair?” Abby asked with a manic tinge in her voice. Therese sat down on the bathroom floor and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. The older woman stared at the the restless figure who was fast to avoid her eyes. Therese sat in a fetal position and rested her head on her arms.
“Therese…” Abby only called the young woman by her first name if she knew nagging won’t get her to talk. It was a softer side to Abby that she hardly lets anyone see. The young woman avoided Abby’s gaze but she was suddenly held tight in her arms. Therese seemed helpless in her grasp. The heartbreak that she was going through made Abby gravely aware of how young her friend was. Therese didn’t know what to do or where to go. She was vulnerable. Usually, she’d just nag at Therese for being so reckless. But this time, she felt like Therese didn’t need any of that. She decided to stay mum and let Therese talk when she feels like it.
“I’ll run you a hot bath.” Abby said as she proceeded to prepare the tub for her. Therese was spaced out.
“I brought chicken nuggets. I’ll warm them up for you. If you don’t come out by fifteen minutes, I am going to barge in here, ok?” Abby didn’t wait for a response. She closed the bathroom door and came back a few seconds later to hand Therese some change of clothes.
Therese came out exactly fifteen minutes later wearing her donut-printed pajamas. She found Abby sitting on the kitchen counter drinking her cup of coffee. Therese avoided Abby’s stare and ravaged the box of chicken nuggets.
“Seems like you haven’t eaten in decades…” an unintentional small giggle came out of Abby as she also took a nugget from the box. An awkward silence enveloped the room. Abby just tinkered with her phone for a while pretentiously checking her emails. From the corner of her eye, she could see Therese starting to tear up. She sat beside her.
“I can't quit her, Abby.” Those were the first words that came out of her the whole day. “I don’t know what to do.” Abby kept silent and just listened to Therese.
“If she loved me why did she leave? Why did she change her mind all of a sudden?” Therese was bawling now.
“I wasn’t enough for her, wasn’t I?” Abby hushed her, held her in her arms once more and rubbed her back. Therese just kept falling apart. Forcing herself to fall out of love was like waging war to the same heart that believes she can make it out alive in the fury of her own thoughts. Abby was devastated seeing Therese like that, but the broken woman just kept mumbling.
“I don’t want to fall apart anymore. I just want to be okay...” she mumbled.
Abby’s maroon chiffon blouse was already drenched with Therese’s tears. When they pulled away, Abby held Therese’s hands and said:
“It’s okay to fall apart, but realizing that you don’t want to anymore is the first step. It’s a good thing.” Therese finally matched Abby’s gaze but with a hint of disdain.
“What’s good about having your heart broken? Abby, it isn’t fair…”
Therese seemed as if she was going to cry again but Abby held the helpless woman’s hands tighter.
“You’re too young to understand it now and nothing I may say now might make sense, but soon it will. I promise you. You’ll be fine. You’ll be stronger after this.”
Therese broke eye contact and just stared down. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll get through it.” Abby wanted to lighten up the mood. “I mean, shit.” Therese suddenly flinched. Abby continues, “You get drunk without me and you choose some crappy tasting vodka? That’s low, Belivet.” A genuine slight smile ran across Therese’s face. “I’m bringing scotch next time.” The young woman chuckled. “And what the fuck happened to your hair, Belivet? It’s like a lawn mower ran over it or something. I’m fixing it, and then you could rest after.” The two women who were once enemies were now friends. After Abby had trimmed the younger woman’s hair, they watched reruns of Buffy. The younger woman had fallen asleep two episodes in.
1...
I’m sorry you were the only home I ever knew.
How can one look at some place (or someone) and call them home? Therese constantly wondered but somehow she knew. A day after Abby had taken her to an art exhibition of a friend, something inside her felt like there’s a life for her waiting after Carol, a life led for art. She gave herself an ultimatum: She planned to fly to London in her last attempt to win back Carol. Maybe if Carol saw her, she’d change her mind about her. For the expenses of her trip, Therese intended to use what’s left of her savings set aside for her tuition in art school. It didn’t matter, she thought, she’d work twice as hard when she returns to NY. She’ll take extra shifts or she’ll even take another job. It didn’t matter because she was doing it for Carol. If Carol takes her back, then all of her grim days would be over. But If she says no (God forbid that she does), that’s it for her. She’ll try to “unlove” Carol.
In the cusp of spring and summer, Therese hopped on a plane from NYC to London bringing with her only a duffel bag that contained a week’s worth of change of clothes, her sketchbook and a watercolor set, and of course, a small gift for Carol. Eight hours later in economy, she was stepping foot on foreign ground: London, the place that Carol called home. It was quarter past two in the morning when she had arrived and checked into her quaint hostel in Soho. She had two roommates who were from France. They were getting ready to go on their second rave for the night. They had invited Therese to come with them but she politely declined. When the two women left, she changed into her sleeping clothes and lied down on her bunk bed. She was excited to see Carol. What was she like after a few months? Probably even more beautiful than she could remember, she thought. What would Carol think of her hair? She would most definitely be taken aback by the shortness of it. Her gift for Carol was a leather bound first edition of Albert Camus’ “The Stranger.” She had searched for it in all the antique book shops in NYC. The book was in perfect condition. The cover was in a shade of blue with gold accents. Therese knew Carol would love it. It would be a great addition to the well-read woman’s collection. Inserted in it was a small note. Therese read it quietly and smiled to herself. She was going to see Carol tomorrow. Finally. She was in the same city with Carol. They were underneath the same skies, their thoughts soaring through the same atmosphere. Therese could hardly sleep from her excitement.
The next morning Therese ate pancakes and bacon at a brunch place near the hostel. She brought along with her the last letter that Carol had sent her as reference for the woman’s address. After finishing her meal, she had asked for directions to a group of students who were waiting for their orders in a nearby table. Therese figured that Carol won’t be home from work yet until supper time so she decides to explore Central London a bit. Like a tourist she took photographs of the beautiful architecture in Central London. She was allured with everything--the markets, the tube, the tea shops and the art stores. It was her first trip abroad after all. In the next coming days when she’ll have more free time, she’d be sure to sketch the beautiful urban landscape of London.
It was around seven in the evening when she took the train from the Oxford Circus Station going to Pimlico. She walked for a few hundred meters until she finally found where Carol’s flat was-- it was in a stunning white Victorian edifice in Warwick Square. Weeping elms hung over the pathways and expensive vehicles were parked on the side of the road. It was certainly a rich neighborhood, Therese thought. She walked up to the front porch and took a deep breath. On her hands were a bouquet of lilies and her gift for Carol carefully bundled up in simple brown wrapping paper. She was trembling not because of the cold weather but she was actually having second thoughts of seeing her former lover. She was nervous because she hadn’t seen Carol in more than a year. But she was already there right in front of the ebony door, just a few more steps to Carol. Right before she entered, a man in a navy blue business coat suddenly came out of a parked car. He stood beside her.
“Right before you, miss.” The man with graying hair opened the door for her.
Therese stepped inside and thanked the man. She went through three flights of staircases and it seemed as if the man was following her. She passed through the corridor and found Flat B, just as it was written in the letter that Carol last addressed to her.
Therese knocked gently on the door and waited.
There was no answer.
She knocked a little more agitatedly.
Silence.
The man appeared at the landing of the staircase. He looked a little bit out of breath considering his age. They exchanged smiles as he passed by her.
Therese knocked louder this time.
Still, no answer.
The man walked towards Flat D. “Are you looking to lease the property, miss?” the man asked while trying to open the door to his place.
“No, sir. Uhm, my friend supposedly lives here.” The man had a puzzled look on his face.
“A friend? I’m afraid to tell you but that flat has been in the market for months now.”
Therese’s eyes went wide. On the market? What was the man talking about?
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am. Is your friend’s name Carol…”
“Yes, Carol!” Therese didn’t let the man finish. “Would you happen to know where she is now?”
“I have no idea.” The man shook his head wistfully. “The flat has been vacant for quite some time now. I’m sorry I can’t help you, miss.” The man entered his flat and Therese felt her heart completely sink. Therese was in utter disbelief. Her feelings of excitement were for nothing. Carol was gone and she didn’t know where to look for her. Her eyes started welling up and she can’t contain it anymore. She dropped the bouquet of flowers on the floor and she pressed the book across her chest. She was sobbing in front of the place that Carol once called home. But home for Therese was now a long way from here.
0…
I’m sorry I still love you.