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Atsuya had woken up almost an hour ago. He had gotten up before his Aniki today, a very rare incident because Shirou is always awake before him, and went on a run around the camp. He did want to wake up his brother for the run as well, but Aniki had been having a very hard time sleeping these days, fucking nightmares, so if he fell asleep, Atsuya wanted to let him rest as much as they could spare. So, Atsuya left his sleeping brother in their room and went on a run. The crisp morning air woke him up properly and he returned to the communal shower in the camp.
Washing away the morning sweat took barely any time and Atsuya was ready to eat. He was just about to get himself a plate when he noticed that Shirou was not in the mess hall yet. Was he still sleeping? Odd. Sun was way up. It was way past the time Aniki had ever woken unless he was sick. So he handed his plate over to the approaching Captain and went to look for his brother.
He just hopes that Shirou has not fallen sick because the match against Spain is in 3 days and if he misses this match, they won’t get the opportunity to play on the national team until the next tournament and no one knows the future.
As he approaches the room he shares with his big brother and Kiyama-san, he can hear a faint shuffle inside and barges in, “The hell, Aniki. It’s almost time for break…..Why are you standing on the bed?”
His brother is standing on a bed like some sissy that had seen a rat or lizard or some critter on the floor. That’s really weird because Shirou is generally chill with anything. He doesn’t get fazed easily.
Their eyes meet with a jolt and his brother loses all the color on his face as if he had seen a ghost. And before Atsuya can do anything, he tumbles back and crashes against the wall. Atsuya too leaps in response before his brother can bang his head against something and get injured. But Shirou is all wide-eyed, like a deer caught in the headlight and has stopped breathing.
“Aniki. What happened? You, ok?”, Shirou is looking at him as if he had never expected to see him. His grey eyes hold recognition and disbelief. But the most pressing issue right now is his brother’s inability to breathe so he starts to rub his spine. In the same way, Shirou would try to soothe his fears after a nightmare. And to be honest, that is his only point of reference because Atsuya has never cared about anyone else before.
So he continues to rub his brother's spine and tells him to breathe, “Breathe Nii-san. Breathe.” Shirou’s eyes are glazed over and unseeing and that is making him nervous. But he follows through with his choppy instructions. He doesn’t really know what he is doing. And he regrets not paying attention in first-aid lessons. His big brother was always there to take care of such delicate stuff so he did not think he would need to learn it. Damn, he really wishes he had paid attention in that class now, “Yes. Just like that. Take slow and deep breaths. Keep breathing with me. 1…2…3…4”
Despite everything, his brother follows through with his instruction while hyperventilating quietly. He must have taken longer than he anticipated because Kazemaru had come looking for them and he called inside from the door. “Atsuya. What's taking you so long? We have to start the practice after breakfast.”
Shirou’s breath is still unsteady to keep continuing his ministration and calls back. “Wait a second Kazemaru-san. Something is wrong with Aniki. You go ahead. We’ll be right behind you”
But Kazemaru enters the room instead of leaving. Shirou looks at Kazemaru once and his panic subsides considerably. And to be honest, he also feels assured to have a more responsible member of the team here.
“What’s wrong, Atsuya? Is he okay?
The next ten minutes in spent in a flurry because Atsuya is busy trying to calm his hyperventilating brother and he has no idea what he is doing. If this is not handled soon, if Shirou does not stop this soon, Atsuya might start to panic himself. But he feels his brother coming down from his panic attack and he asks for water for his brother. Kazemaru-san, being the ever-reliable one, helps him with his big brother.
His brother finally utters a vague ‘nightmare’ and Atsuya can understand now. The same one he had told them about in the medical ward a few days ago. Maybe he woke up suddenly after a bad dream, and could not find Atsuya and spiraled from there. Maybe he will feel fine once they get out of their rooms and get some food and fresh air.
Shirou is stronger than some measly nightmare. So, he stands beside his brother like a guard and walks with him to the cafeteria for breakfast.
Once Shirou’s panic died down, they walked to the mess hall for breakfast. Kazemaru starts to talk about the strategy they have been thinking and all his brother does is nod in acceptance. There is a soft smile on his lips and his eyes crinkle with it. During breakfast, they share a table with Kazemaru and the dining hall is almost empty by now. There is a strange melodic lilt in his brother’s voice that would have gone under the radar if Atsuya was not so attuned to his brother’s existence.
For some reason, his brother is acting really strange today. He lets his brother talk with Kazemaru but keeps glancing over at him. His big brother appears softer somehow. And kinder. He keeps glancing over to him as if Atsuya would vanish into thin air if he is let off his eyesight for more than a minute.
Throughout the day, Atsuya can feel his brother’s lingering glance at him. While that is not unusual, because Shirou had always been looking out for him (even when they were mere toddlers), what was strange was that his gaze was different. Whenever their eyes meet, he notices that Shirou has been looking at him longingly. As if they had not seen each other in a lifetime. Which doesn’t make sense at all. Or is it him becoming melancholic due to his impending departure?
Hiroto notices his distraction and teases him about being too attached to his brother’s hip, being a baby. In response, Atsuya sends him a striking pass, which almost slams him in the face. This devolves into another argument. But to his surprise, Shirou does not approach them at all. His brother usually is ready to spring into action if Atsuya gets into a fight with the team. He would wait for it to die down on its own but be always within arm's length to pull him away. But today? Shirou stays in his place and keeps looking at him longingly. (And before he can properly decipher it, his thoughts have run away, devolved and become a monster of its own making.)
Is this his brother’s way of telling him that he is done with his mess? That he is done playing the damage control for Atsuya? Is his brother sick of Atsuya’s attitude? Is he abandoning Atsuya? Does this mean he doesn’t love him anymore?
That…that can not be true, right? If Shirou had problems with his attitude and he wanted Atsuya to stop, he would talk first, right? He would warn him, right?
Atsuya can not imagine a life where his brother doesn’t love him. Maybe he has been taking too much advantage of his brother’s love for him, but he is not that much trouble, right?
He can see that the rest of the team is actively trying to help his brother. Managers take turns to call him over for a brief break more frequently. The first time he protested, Atsuya sent him such a disapproving look that Shirou almost wilted under the stare. It was like kicking a puppy.
That….doesn’t feel right. It sends an alarm bell ringing in his head. Shirou knows that taking care of his leg is very important right now. He can be stubborn, but that’s not the issue here. The issue is Shirou’s response to Atsuya’s glare.
His brother is the king of chill. Whenever Atsuya would glare at him before, Shirou would put on his infuriatingly placid smile and start to mother-hen him in return. His brother is a master at turning tables on him. But this? Now Shirou looks like a wilted flower.
Before he can act on it, Atsuya is called over by Haizaki and Fudou so he lets it slide. For now.
By the time lunch rolls around, his head is not in the game. He can not help but glance over at his big brother frequently. Shirou has been putting more strain on his leg today so Atsuya gets him his lunch and they sit at the same table. Hiroto has taken a seat at the table beside him and he snorts after seeing Atsuya getting Shirou his plate.
So, he retorts that, unlike him, Atsuya doesn’t have daddy issues. Atsuya might be prideful little shit, but he is proud of his brother and the love they share for each other. He is not embarrassed to admit that his brother is his source of pride. His role model. If that rich boy thinks that he can shame Atsuya for being a good brother, he needs to rethink his insults.
This devolves into another fight and again, Shirou doesn’t move a muscle. His gaze doesn’t have the calculative gleam that he used to have. Just calm acceptance. Like he is savoring the last meal of his life. Like he is leaving. Forever.
Wait a second, is something wrong? Is it the Orion Foundation?
An icy chill enters his spine and Atsuya decides to sneak into his brother’s phone to investigate.
Soon enough, it was time for an afternoon workout and everyone moved to the gym floor. Shirou leaves his phone in his cubby like always so Atsuya snoops. He checks every means of communication he can find. Messages, emails, DMs, everything. Something is suspicious but nothing seems outright threatening. So, unless he confronts his brother about it, he won’t be able to find anything.
During gym time, he notices that Shirou has been wincing more than usual. His leg must be killing him by now. But the way he looks at it is like he has no idea why his leg is in so much pain. Did he hit his head yesterday and forget his injury or something? But he doesn’t have much time to ponder over it they have to continue with their routine.
He can not do anything about Shirou’s strange behaviour right now so he puts it off for later. Their next match is approaching fast and Atsuya needs to be his best. Shirou had literally begged to get him his spot (even if he had already been selected by the trainer and Kidou-san) and not only his but his brother’s pride was at stake here. So, he shakes off the uneasy feeling for now and concentrates on the mock game.
Atsuya is really tired by the time dinner rolls around. He trudges behind his brother who is speaking to Goenji-san in a soft voice. His brother’s voice sounds so melodic that he almost slips into unconsciousness. His brother always had a soothing quality in his voice but since when was it so hypnotic?
So, Atsuya shakes his head with a jerk to dissipate the sleepiness and marches past both of them to get plates for them both. Shirou already knows that he is supposed to find them a table. The food looks delicious, except for that reddish fried rice from Coach. No one has touched it yet and Atsuya is not touching it with a ten-foot pole. So, he laden his brother’s plate with other side dishes and avoided spicier ones because Shirou hates them. Throughout the dinner, he banters with Ichihoshi and pokes Goujin-san with Hiura. But half of the attention is still on his brother. And Shirou too seems to be giving him more than half of his attention.
After the dinner, 1.5 hours is supposed to be dedicated to studies. Playing in the national team does not mean they can escape studies. So, he grabs his science worksheets and starts on his homework. Most of the hour is spent silently as he, his Aniki and Tatsuya-san tackle the homework. The room is resounded with scritch and scratch of their pencils, with occasional interruptions in between for making corrections and consulting with books. Science is a relatively easy subject for him so he is quick to finish with it. Next comes history and he is not so good with it.
So, he turns to his brother for help…only to stop in his tracks because Shirou seems to be struggling with his work. What is even more strange is that it is math work he seems to be stuck at. Because Shirou’s best subject is math. He had never found it to be difficult. Peeking at the notebook reveals that he has not finished solving a single question. Has he reached the point in math where his intuitive calculation is not enough anymore? But looking at Shirou’s face is even more perplexing because the expression he is giving makes it seem like Shirou had never even seen this workbook. (Untrue because Shirou always finishes math first to get the easiest subject out of the way)
“You were very quiet all day today, Shirou-kun,” Tatsuya asks Shirou without even raising his head from his own workbook. This startles his brother and he looks up and looks back at him, “I am not feeling too well today. Sorry if I worried you.”
And there it is. That smile seems to put everyone at ease but it totally unsettles Atsuya. It is so different from Shirou’s usual smile. That smile has a broken and patched-up feeling. As if it was sported by a boy broken into a million pieces and patched back up using glue and chewing gum. As if he doesn’t even know if he should be smiling.
“Aniki. Are you feeling sick?” maybe he is sick. He did not know that sickness could cause such drastic changes in a person.
Next, the smile is aimed at him, “Not sick. But I have been feeling a little out of place since this morning. But don’t worry, Atsu. It's fine. I’m sure it will go away by tomorrow morning.”
Is that the reason his brother has been behaving weirdly all day? A simple bad day? Will he go back to being his normal self once the day is over? If that is the reason, maybe he should wait and see if Shirou gets better tomorrow before raising a ruckus in worry.
Don't get him wrong. He is not dismissing it completely. Once they get back home after the tournament, Atsuya is going to take his brother to see a therapist, even if he has to drag his Aniki kicking and screaming. But if it's not too severe, they might be able to set it aside for later. They still need to focus on upcoming matches.
The rest of the time is spent completing their work and all three boys get ready to sleep. Atsuya climbs into the bed beside his brother and opens YouTube to watch some videos. He can feel Shirou shuffling on his side. He doesn’t know how much time has passed but all of a sudden Shirou calls him softly.
“Atsu”
“Hmm”, he is not paying full attention to his brother. He is trying to find out if it is possible to have such a huge shift in personality and behaviour overnight. And maybe even taking a deeper dive into Orion, until his big brother startles him with,
“What if I tell you that there was a world where I don’t have you?”
And that throws him off. Why is he asking this as if he had not told him about this already ? Did he forget? He slowly puts down his phone at looks his brother in the eyes. They look sad and teary.
“Was it another nightmare?”, he asks softly. He dares not raise his voice because his big brother looks so fragile at that moment. He fears that if he makes any sudden or loud movement, he will just jump out of his skin.
The ‘maybe’ he gets in reply is full of tears. Shit. Does that mean the dream has started to affect his brother during waking hours too? That day in the medical bay, Shirou laid his heart out in front of him. Sharing his fears. But he had presumed that it would only impact his dreams. And isn’t that why he decided to crash into his brother’s room? To protect him from his nightmares?
Some guard he is…
So he does the only thing he knows how to. He intertwines their pinkies together with a promise. “There is not a single world in any universe where you are alone. You will have lots of amazing friends, but most importantly, you will have me. I will always be there. To steal tamagoyaki from your bentos. To hang off of you like a leech. To punch jerks in your place,” he decides to use mischief to assure his brother, “but most importantly, I’ll always be your brother and love you unconditionally. I promise”
Shirou’s smile wobbles and his eyes tear up more. Atsuya decides that tomorrow, he will need to find their coach first thing in the morning and tell him that they need a therapist for Shirou. This is really getting out of hand and his big brother needs help. But he is too stubborn. Too used to doing things on his own. Trying to be strong for Atsuya. So busy being the protector that he has forgotten that he himself is just a teen. So, if needs be, Atsuya will take steps to help his brother.
He keeps his pinkie locked with his brother and starts to drift off. He was already tired. But stuck between the waking and sleeping world, he hears a faint.
“I love you, Atsu”