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Khaotung hated being sick. He didn’t like lying in his bed all day with the inability to leave whenever he wanted. At the moment, even if he wanted, he didn’t really have a choice. Mainly because the moment he did get up, his head felt like exploding and it upset his stomach to the verge of throwing up. He didn’t like being ill and today it was even worse because it kept him from going to the meeting at GMMTV with his best friend.
The other had visited him earlier that day, holding up a plastic bag with a chicken soup filled container in his right hand and Khaotung’s favorite soda in his left. ‘Hopefully it will make you feel better faster,’ First had told him with a wide and caring smile on his lips.
Even though Khaotung had felt nauseous the moment he had gotten out of bed to open the door, he had been happy to see First. He’d taken the plastic bag and the drink with a soft ‘thank you’. He’d puckered out his lower lip, trying to look upset and First had indulged by rubbing a hand through Khaotung’s hair and telling him he’d come back immediately after the meeting.
That’s what Khaotung was waiting for. For First to return. To let him know what had been discussed during the meeting. When all of them had gotten the message it had seemed important and Khaotung was curious to why.
He finds himself scrolling through his phone, looking at the photo reel, while he tries to keep his boredom at bay. There were so many pictures with First. Sometimes the smaller man wondered if they were basically siamese twins that could not function without the other. Like they shared a heart, a brain and a pair of lungs but did have their own separate set of limbs.
He clicks on one of the photos and looks it over, his eyes lazily glide across the familiar figure of his best friend. His eyes stay locked on his face, taking in the dark eyes, his wide mouth and perfect brows. First is beyond handsome, that much Khaotung knows. Only a fool can’t see how pretty First is.
A smile tugs at the corners of Khaotung’s mouth as he looks at another photo. He scrolls through some more and eventually groans when his head starts hurting. He tosses his phone somewhere on his bed and pulls the sheets over his head to block out the world around him.
Khaotung wakes when he hears his phone buzzing. He groggily opens his eyes. He’s not sure when he had fallen asleep but apparently he did. He rubs a hand over his face and uses his other to feel around the bedsheet to find his cellphone.
When he finds it he picks it up and slides his thumb across the screen before he brings it to his ear. “Hello?” The man says then, not having registered who was calling him.
“Hey ‘tung, it’s me. Can you open the door?”
Khaotung sits up, whining softly when he feels pain shooting through his head. He brings his hand to his forehead and rubs it softly. “Yeah. Just a minute.” Khaotung says to him while getting up. He wobbles a bit once he’s finally on his feet and places a hand on his stomach. He’s nauseous again.
The small man makes his way through his home, slowly shuffling towards the front door. “So, what was the meeting about?” Khaotung asks than over the phone, curious.
First hums softly and then replies; “Maybe you should open the door first.”
Khaotung stops walking and frowns. “Why?” He asks, feeling his stomach drop. “What did they say?” He asks again, knowing very well First would have been more forthcoming with the information if it was something that Khaotung would actually like.
“Ah, well.” First starts. “Ah, they ah-“
“First, spit it out. I want to know.” Khaotung says forcefully. His brow furrows as he waits for the other’s reply. When it doesn’t come he starts walking towards the door again. “First. Tell me. Now.”
He can hear his friend sigh at the other side of the line. “They are pairing us up with other people for a summer special.”
Khaotung opens the front door and looks at First. “What!?” He exclaims, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. He feels sick to his stomach, ready to throw up. Khaotung just isn’t sure if it’s because of the news or because he is feeling ill.
X
Khaotung thrums his fingers on the table top, looking at the man across from him. While he normally likes pretty much all of his colleagues it’s somehow different now. He normally likes Gun. He really does. The other man is funny, sweet and he’s fun to be around. But not now. Not now that Khaotung knows GMMTV decided to pair up First and Gun for their stupid summer special.
Most of his colleagues tried to tell Khaotung it would be a lot of fun. A way to advance their acting. It won’t be fun. It really won’t. He’s sure of it. Khaotung knows because he doesn’t like the idea of Gun being First’s co-star on a show, even if it's just one episode. He doesn’t like the idea of Gun being close to First and he definitely doesn’t like the idea of Gun and First kissing. It’s a role that’s reserved for Khaotung. Only Khaotung. The idea of giving that part to Gun makes his insides turn uncomfortably and it makes his chest clench.
It’s an annoying feeling, Khaotung decides. It’s something he’s only felt once before. When he read the script of one of their earlier series and realized that First would be kissing their co-star, Mark, in one of the latter episodes. He hadn’t liked the idea before and he didn’t like the idea now.
But this time it feels even worse than it did when shooting ‘only friends’. Khaotung doesn’t know what’s different this time around but there’s a feeling he can’t quite name that settles in the back of his mind. It takes home there and it festers. It makes his stomach turn and his chest clench whenever he looks at First.
Especially when First sits down across from Khaotung, next to Gun. Even though Khaotung knows it’s because there’s no space beside him, it still makes him roll his eyes. Pond sits on Khaotung’s right and Dunk on his left. It leaves First with no other option than to sit across from him. But it bugs the smaller man it is the space beside Gun.
He watches the two of them and bites the inside of his cheek. Khaotung doesn’t as much as blink, not wanting to miss a moment shared between First and Gun.
Khaotung clears his throat and drums his fingers on the table top even more forcefully. It draws First’s attention and the familiar large dark eyes, filled with confusion, rest on him. Khaotung smiles, or at least he tries. He’s pretty sure he’s not that good of an actor that he can fake a smile when he feels like this. It probably looks more like a sneer.
The small man feels an arm wrap around his shoulders. It’s Pond, the other apparently joking about something that makes those around them laugh. Everyone except for First, he looks like he wants to be anywhere but there at the moment. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. The other man looks like he wants to run.
Then again, First’s been looking like that basically since he told Khaotung about GMMTV’s grand plan for the summer. A summer special focused on a series of one shot episodes starring pairings that aren’t the regular ones. The chosen pairings are either ghost ships of fans, or ones that GMMTV believes would be fitting or enjoyable pairings for their viewers.
When First looks at Gun again, smiles at him and nods at something Gun says, Khaotung involuntarily remembers the interview First and him had done a while ago. Where they had been asked who they would like to work with if they hadn’t been working together. Both of them had named the same person. It feels like an annoyingly stupid interview now. Because Khaotung wants to work with no one but First. First is his best friend, his soulmate, his- his what exactly?
Khaotung looks up at Pond to keep himself from thinking about it. He smiles and tries to laugh but it’s only half heartedly. Pond leans into him, playfully puckering his lips as he comes closer to Khaotung. “I am so not kissing you.” Khaotung says then, pushing his hand between their faces. Once Pond’s face connects with it Khaotung pushes him backwards.
When he turns his head his eyes find First’s. The other isn’t laughing like the rest of them are. Instead his jaw looks clenched, his jaw ticks. First’s brow is furrowed and there’s a pained expression on his face. It makes Khaotung want to reach out for him, to ask what’s wrong.
But the moment passes when Gun leans his head on First’s shoulder and smiles widely while telling them he won’t mind kissing his co-star one bit.
Khaotung frowns, looking at Gun. The other is blissfully unaware of the daggers Khaotung is shooting his way. It’s probably for the best.
First clears his throat, pushing himself up. “Bathroom.” He explains and walks away from their table.
Khaotung watches him leave before pushing himself up. “Be right back.” He mutters beneath his breath, not really caring if the other’s heard him. He follows First. For a moment he stands outside of the bathroom door, contemplating what to do. He wants to go to First, ask him what’s going on between them. Because right now nothing’s feels the same.
Taking a deep breath Khaotung pushes the door open and steps inside. It’s quiet in the bathroom, the only sound is the soft music playing in the background. First is standing in front of the mirror, his hands resting on the sides of the sink. His head hangs low, his eyes closed and his shoulders slumped. Khaotung knows his friend well enough to know he’s upset.
“Fir?” Khaotung says softly, using the nickname he has used for his best friend for years.
First looks up at him, something resembling a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. “What is it ‘tung?” He asks than, standing straight.
Khaotung shrugs. “Just wanted to see if you are all right.” He explains. The smaller one sucks his lower lip in between his lips. He can see how the small movement catches First’s attention.
“I’m fine.” First says and the words feel fake to Khaotung’s ears.
The smaller one steps closer. “Are you sure?” He asks softly, taking another step towards his friend.
First nods. “Yeah. Yes, I’m fine. Really.” He says. He nods to himself, trying to get himself to believe his own string of words.
“Really?” Khaotung presses. He’s close enough to step into the other’s personal space. Khaotung likes it. He always does. Being this close to First makes him feel content, happy. The warmth radiating from the other’s body, his scent. It calms Khaotung and makes him feel grounded. It feels like he belongs there, a space solely for him. Something no other gets to experience. It's only his space. Well, soon it would also be Gun's space.
“Really.” First clears his throat.
The smaller one looks up at the First, his gaze ghosting over the other's perfect brow, the line of his nose and his wide mouth. Then he looks into the dark pools that are resting on Khaotung. He tries to find an anwser there. “Really, really?”
First chuckles, a lopsided grin on his lips. He nods as he places a hand on Khaotung’s arm, squeezing it gently. “Yes.” He laughs. “Why are you so worried?”
Khaotung shrugs. “I don’t know.” The smaller one starts, chewing on his lower lip. “I guess I just am.”
“Because of the summer special?” First asks.
This is the moment, Khaotung realizes. The split second in which he can explain what he is feeling. The chance to be honest and tell First that he’s- that he is jealous. Jealous of Gun, jealous of the idea of someone’s beside himself kissing First. That’s what it is that he is feeling. Jealousy. He knows it is, there's nothing else it can be.
“Khaotung?” First’s voice is soft and easily pulls the other out of his thoughts.
“About…” Khaotung trials off, looking away.
“‘tung, you can tell me.” First coaxes softly, rubbing his hand up and down Khaotung’s arm.
When he looks up at First he licks his lips, looking down at the other’s mouth. Then he parts his lips to speak.
The door to the bathroom opens and the room fills itself with voices. The moment is over. Khaotung took too long. He watches as First looks at the two men who just stepped inside and lets his hand fall away from Khaotung.
Khaotung remains rooted to the spot. He blinks a couple of times, feels like suffocating. He swallows harshly, feels his stomach plummet.
“First, it’s time to start shooting.” Comes a voice from behind Khaotung.
“Ah, yes P’Gun, I’ll join you.” First says, smiling.
Khaotung feels another squeeze of his arm and then First is gone. The resentment at the back of his mind grows bigger, washing over him and taking his breath away. It presses down on his chest, making him feel like he is unable to breathe any longer. It makes his chest burn so much that Khaotung takes hold of his own shirt, gripping at the fabric.
His mind fills with images of First holding Gun’s face. Holding the man close in the spot that is only reserved for Khaotung. “Fir, First- please don’t kiss anyone but me.” He whispers softly but there is no one there to hear.
X
Gun laughs, nearly doubling over. It makes First laugh too. The taller one shakes his head and looks at the director. “This isn’t going to work.” First comments as he laughs.
Gun keeps laughing. “Sorry. It’s just so- so…, weird to kiss some other guy than Off.” He explains and snickers.
First chuckles, as always the understanding co-star who doesn’t mind when the other actor messes up. “Maybe we should just practice it or something?” He tries, watching the director.
The director sighs but nods in agreement. “Very well, i’m sure that will work.” He says with a short nod. “We will give you two some time and finish wrapping things up tomorrow.”
Gun chuckles, placing his hands on First's shoulders. “I’m so sorry.” He says then, looking apologetic.
First just shrugs, smiling widely. “Don’t worry. I get it.” He responds considerately.
Khaotung watches from the sidelines. He feels both glad and at the same time he is worried. There’s no kiss…, yet. He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. But he's sure there will be enough of them while the two are practicing.
He watches as Gun takes First’s hand and pulls him along. Normally it would be Khaotung leading First around. It makes his fingers itch.
“Khaotung? Want to go over our lines?”
Khaotung looks up. Pond stands near and holds it up towards Khaotung. “Sure.” Khaotung replies. There’s a quick glance towards where First and Gun have gone as he tries to ignore how it makes his stomach twist.
He follows Pond. They rehearse their lines. Afterwards they meets up with Phuwin, Joong and Dunk. They decide to go out for drinks. As Khaotung sits with them at a small table at the back of the bar the small man plays around with his glass. It's still filled up to the brim, he hasn't been able to drink anything just yet.
Khaotung ignores his phone. It lies on the table before him and he can see who’s calling and texting but he doesn’t reply, doesn’t pick up. He knows that it’s unfair, that he is being petty but Khaotung doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to talk with First. He doesn’t want to hear First be excited about working with Gun. He doesn’t want to-
“Khaotung? You okay?”
Khaotung looks up and sees Joong’s dark concerned eyes on him. Khaotung nods. “Yes, just a bit tired.” He lies.
“Maybe you should go home and get some rest?” Dunk adds, clearly concerned.
Khaotung nods. “Yeah, I’ll do that.” He agrees.
“Want me to call you a cab?” Joong asks as he takes out his cellphone from his pocket.
Khaotung stops him. “No- no need, I can get home by myself.” He says then, getting up. He says goodbye to the others and leaves.
The outside air sobers him up. Makes him realize there’s no need to think about First and Gun the way he is. It’s not like First belongs to him, they are actors. They had other co-stars before and they might- Khaotung lets out a choked sob. They might have other co-stars after.
He makes his way home, sits quietly in the taxi as he scrolls through the messages First has sent him earlier. Khaotung drags himself to his front door and stops when he sees someone sitting against the wooden surface.
The dark haired man seated there looks up at Khaotung. “Why are you ignoring me?” First asks softly.
Khaotung watches him. Notices just how puffy First’s eyes are. With how red and thick they look First must have been crying. He’s not sure what to say so he remains quiet.
“‘Tung. Khaotung, please.” First pleads. “Just talk to me. You’ve been acting strange lately and I don’t like it.”
Khaotung let’s his head hang and sighs. His chest clenches at the way First’s voice breaks. He sounds so vulnerable.
“Please just tell me. We are friends, I don’t want us to be like this.”
Friends… Khaotung lets out a pained sob. “Friends.” He says then, his voice trembles.
“Yeah.” First tells him, nodding quickly. “Best friends.” He says as he gets up.
The smaller man rolls his eyes, a bitter laugh leaving his lips. He knows it will hurt First but Khaotung is hurting too. His mind isn’t his own, neither are his emotions. He hates what he’s become. Jealous, bitter and unable to look at First without thinking of Gun.
Khaotung turns around and glares at First. “ I don’t want to be your friend, First.” He spats and surely First looks at him with wide eyes. There’s pain surging through them, tears filling up the taller one’s eyes. He looks like a kicked puppy.
“What?” First asks, his voice trembles and he takes a step back.
Khaotung follows, taking First’s hands in his own. “That came out wrong. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean?” First whispers softly, his voice trembling. “What-“
“I love you.” Khaotung utters then, interrupting the other. Immediately there is a heaviness that lifts from his shoulders and makes him feel giddy. “I love you.” He repeats with a smile.
“I love you too.” First replies, he looks skeptical. “And I know you love me. We love each other.” He adds after a moment.
Khaotung sighs and shakes his head. “No, Fir.” He starts and smiles. “I love you.” He says then, emphasizing the middle world.
“Yes. I know. I love you too.” First replies, taking hold of Khaotung’s hands.
The smaller one sighs again, and shakes his head. “No, First. I mean.. I love, love you.” He tries again and when First parts his lips to say something Khaotung takes First’s face in his hands and kisses him.
It’s just a press of lips really. Just touching without any movement. Khaotung’s heart is hammering in his chest and he’s scared to open his eyes. So he stays like that, pressing his lips to First’s. He’s not sure how long they stand there like that. Khaotung holding First’s face in the middle of the hallway.
Eventually there’s movement and Khaotung lets out a soft gasp when he realizes it’s not him that’s moving their lips together but First. The movements are agonizingly slow, drawn out. It makes Khaotung’s insides burn and twist until a soft choked moan slips out. First gently places a hand on Khaotung’s neck to hold him in place and he deepens the kiss. He sucks at Khaotung’s lower lip, pulls it between his teeth to nip at it. Then he licks at Khaotung’s upper lip to gain entrance.
Khaotung willingly lets him, parting his lips to give First access to his mouth. He feels the taller one’s tongue press against his own and it makes Khaotung’s toes curl. The smaller one takes a moment to wrap his arms around First and apparently the other takes it as an invitation to continue.
First let’s his hands wander, taking hold of Khaotung’s hips and pulling him closer. The hold is firm and Khaotung wonders if it will leave bruises. There’s a sudden desperateness to First’s touches that makes Khaotung withhold from telling him to ease up. So he lets First ravish his mouth with a hunger that Khaotung is not used to. First is usually calmer, more collected.
Khaotung realizes he feels just as desperate, clinging to First as their lips move together. “Should we get inside?” He whispers against First’s mouth. When the other nods but kisses him again Khaotung grins against First’s mouth. He chuckles and uses one hand to take his keys. “Let me open the door.” Khaotung whispers then.
First nods and settles for kissing Khaotung’s neck while the smaller man opens the door. Khaotung laughs as First starts pulling him inside the moment he’s able to. First closes the door and pushes Khaotung against it.
“Fir.” Khaotung gasps softly, closing his eyes as he lets his head fall back against the wooden surface of his front door. He bites his lip as he feels the other man’s long fingers slip beneath the shirt he’s wearing. “Ah, First?” Khaotung whimpers and tries to get the other’s attention. “What- what are you doing?”
First chuckles softly, letting his fingers trail over Khaotung’s stomach, pulling the fabric of the smaller one’s shirt upwards. He leans down to press a kiss to Khaotung’s stomach. Kneels before the other and kisses his hip. “Just showing you how much I love you, Khaotung.”
The other’s words make Khaotung’s knees go weak. He looks down at the man, taking hold of First’s head to make the taller man look up at him. Khaotung smiles widely. “You feel the same?” He asks softly.
“Always, I’ve always felt the same ‘tung.” First whispers his reply, not trusting his voice. He smiles up at Khaotung and then he apologizes. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” There’s a warmth in his eyes that makes Khaotung feel warm inside. It makes his heart skip a beat.
Khaotung is at loss for words so he just watches. He keeps his eyes locked on First as the other continues to press kisses to his waist, gasping when First bites the skin playfully. “First!” He exclaims and blushes when the taller man grins.
“You don’t like it?” First asks, his grin widening as he sits back on his heels. He tilts his head to the side and slowly licks his lips as he waits for Khaotung’s response.
The other bobs his head from side to side a little, letting it fall back against the door as he contemplates what to say. “I like it.” He says after a moment, not daring to look at First. He can hear First chuckle and then his mouth is on Khaotung’s body again. Khaotung closes his eyes, licks his lips. He bites his lower lip when he feels First fumbling with the button of his jeans. His breath hitches and it get’s stuck in the back of his throat when the other man pulls down his zipper. A soft desperate ‘ah’ escapes from his lips, his eyes shoot open and his head snaps downwards to look at First.
The other pulls down Khaotung’s pants and his underwear in one quick motion. He lets them rest just below Khaotung’s ass. “First?” Khaotung breaths, his brow furrows when the other man leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to his naked hipbone. “Are you-“ Before the last word can leave Khaotung’s words he groans and lets his head fall backwards again. The warm mouth he feels around himself makes it difficult to think. It makes it difficult to breath. He opens his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, his mouth falls open. Khaotung’s pretty sure he looks cross eyed while First’s mouth moves around his member.
“Oh god.” Khaotung moans. He bites his lower lip to keep more sounds from escaping but he’s doing a terrible job. Soft whines and moans escape his lips and he’s pretty sure it encourages First to continue. When he accidentally bucks his hips he heard First moan softly and Khaotung can’t help but blush. “Sorry.” He mumbles. After that First takes hold of his hips, pushes him against the surface of the door as he continues. It makes Khaotung whine and he’s not sure if it’s because he hates it or because he likes it.
Then, suddenly, First pulls away and laughs. He keeps laughing and it makes Khaotung look down, confused. The moment he sees First picking up Montow Khaotung’s eyes widen and he quickly pulls his pants back on.
Kneeling down beside First Khaotung looks at the fluffy cat. “We traumatized him.” He says them, his lower lip protruding outwards. “He’ll need therapy.”
First just laughs, nuzzles Montow’s head and looks at Khaotung. “I don’t know if there’s such a thing as cat therapy.” He says, amused.
“First, I’m serious.” Khaotung tries then, petting Montow’s back.
The other just keeps laughing and shakes his head. He pulls Montow closer and kisses the top of the cat’s head. “I’m pretty certain Montow is fine with his daddies sharing their love for each other.” He snickers, his shoulders moving with laughter.
Khaotung let out a deep sigh and sits back. He places his palms on the ground behind himself, leaning into them. The smaller man tilts his head to the side and watches First and Montow. It makes him smile.
While the desire from just moments before fades to the background, subdues and settles calmly in the pit of Khaotung’s stomach it gives way for a different kind of emotion. A form of love that’s somehow different from what Khaotung felt for First before. It’s unconditional and it feels warm. It makes Khaotung happy. Especially now that he knows it is returned
the same way.
First keeps his eyes on him and Khaotung can’t help but grin, looking away shyly. Then First moves over to him, kneels between his legs and he leans over Khaotung. The smaller one looks at him, Khaotung's eyes wide at the sudden intrusion of his personal space. He blinks a couple and parts his lips to speak but First is quicker.
“Want to continue where we left of in your bedroom, ter?” First whispers, leaning even further into Khaotung’s space and nuzzling the other’s neck.
Khaotung swallows harshly and hums softly. “Y-yeah. I do. I definitely do.” He stutters in return. He hears First snicker and Khaotung closes his eyes when the other man’s lips find his jaw.
“Good.” First whispers softly and Khaotung agrees. Everything’s good. More than good.
X
The summer is too hot that year. Annoyingly so. Khaotung whines and pulls at the fabric of his shirt. It clings to his body like a second skin and he hates it. Eventually he settles with taking it off, sitting on the couch while he waits for First to return home. He turns on the television and gets everything settled. He tunes into the familiar channel of GMMTV. Tonight they are airing the summer special episode which features First and Gun.
While Khaotung feels slightly concerned how he will feel about having to watch First and Gun together he also doesn’t want to let his boyfriend down. He knows First is excited about the episode, he knows that First liked working with Gun for the short time it lasted. So Khaotung’s decided for himself to try his best to calm his nerves and to sit through the entire episode without complaining.
When the front door opens Khaotung looks up. First steps inside and closes the door behind him. He smiles at Khaotung and makes his way over to him. The taller man plops down beside him on the couch and smirks at him while letting his eyes glide across Khaotung’s upper body.
“I was hot.” Khaotung complains.
First grins and hums softly. “I don’t mind.” He says then, his grin widening. “Why would I complain about seeing my boyfriend half naked.”
Khaotung flushes and pushes at First’s shoulder. “Don’t tease me.” He mumbles, faking a pout before smiling. “I’ll get us something to drink, you can start watching the episode.” The smaller man says then, pushing himself up. He walks to the kitchen and hears the sounds of the television in the background. He takes his time, opens a bag of chips and puts them in a bowl. He fills two glasses and takes everything with him into the living room.
As he puts everything down he feels First absentmindedly rubbing his back. The gentle touch makes Khaotung shiver.
They sit in silence and every once in a while First comments on something or laughs. Khaotung watches beside him, his brow furrowing as the episode goes onward. When the scene unfolds where the two characters are about to kiss Khaotung feels his stomach clench involuntarily. He glances sideways towards First. The other has his eyes on the screen, slowly chewing on some chips.
Khaotung moves a little, crossing his legs beneath himself as he leans into the back of the sofa. He looks at the screen and frowns when First leans into Gun and kisses him. Khaotung tilts his head to the side and realizes he’s not nearly as bothered by it as he thought he would be.
First looks at him and Khaotung looks back at him. “What?” The smaller one asks.
The other shrugs. “I thought you’d be fuming.” He explains. “You don’t mind?” First asks then.
Khaotung hums, thinking for a moment and then he shakes his head. He smirks and settles on First’s lap. He wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and smiles. “It’s fine. It’s our job.” He explains and realizes that the fact that it’s First’s job isn’t actually the main reason why he doesn’t care. “Besides…” He says softly as he leans into First’s personal space. He nudges their noses together and then presses a gentle kiss to First’s lips. “I still get to see a part of you none of them get to see.” He whispers, grinning as he kisses First’s jaw. “This,” He whispers softly against the skin. “this is still only mine.”