Chapter Text
“Izuku where the hell are you?”
“Ah Kacchan I’m not doing night patrols anymore, I thought I told you…”
“Not doing- and why the fuck not?”
“It clashes with my morning classes Kacchan I can’t-”
“Deku-kun the movie’s about to start.”
“Right. Have fun.”
When Katsuki hangs up the phone he does so without saying anything else, no see you later , no take care , not even a “ Bye Izuku yeah I’ll text you later”.
There are many things Pro Hero Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight can deal with, his best friends new girlfriend is not one of them. She’s a friend, an old friend in fact, someone they’ve both known since they were in high school and someone who for the most part has been a reliable presence in both their lives. Recently though… Recently Katsuki finds himself rolling his eyes when she speaks more often than not, he rejects plans when he knows she’ll be around, and tries to work around situations where they have to work together. He knows it’s not rational, he doesn’t need anyone else to tell him it’s not rational god dammit he knows but that doesn’t mean he can do anything about it. The kind of white-hot jealousy that burns in his stomach when he sees her isn’t something he can control, it’s not something he can even really acknowledge because well, what would it even do? He admits that he’s jealous of Izuku’s girlfriend, jealous of Ochako Uraraka and then what? He can’t tell Izuku, he can’t exactly curse her out (no matter how badly he may want to sometimes), he can’t do anything about it so he stuffs it down. He pushes it deep into his stomach and he covers it up with action, he keeps moving, keeps fighting, keeps pushing until he’s so exhausted he can’t think about it anymore.
“Fuck alright let’s do this,” he says to himself as he pushes off the agency wall.
Yet another reminder of the things he’s lost, the things he wasn’t good enough to achieve. Dynamight Agency, something he’s wanted his whole life. Ever since he can remember it’s what he wanted, his own agency just like All Might, one with the best heroes and the most promising sidekicks, the agency that he would build from the ground and take to soaring new heights and he fucking hated it.
He hated the green and orange colour palette, he hated the empty office now used for storage on his floor, he hated the way the girl at the reception looked at him when he asked if there were any calls for him while he was out. He especially hated the space above the front doors where a sign should hang. A sign that showed off how strong and legitimate his dream was, a sign he had taken down himself so that they could put the new one up together.
He hated all of it.
“Dynamight are you moving?” Came the familiar voice of his new sidekick.
Yes Katsuki had finally picked one, a girl with a search-and-discover quirk. She was shy and quiet but had stood her ground when he told her to get out. She brought charts and models to explain how his agency was sorely lacking in a reconnaissance team and how her quirk and particular skill set would be incredibly useful. When he told her to shove it she stomped her foot and told him not to turn her away so easily because if he did he would regret it. When he asked her how she even dared to threaten him in his own office she took a long, deep breath and told him, in a voice so familiar it almost brought him to his knees, that it was not a threat but rather a promise. A promise that she would become better than him one day and then he would regret it.
Katsuki hired her on the spot.
“Yeah, stop checkin in on me,” Katsuki snapped back through his intercom as he moved through the streets of his usual patrol route.
“That’s literally my job though?”
“Don’t get an attitude with me brat.”
“Dynamight you really should wait for a partner-”
“Don’t have one.”
There was a heavy silence on the line and Katsuki could almost see the wheels turning in her head, trying to decide whether it was worth arguing with him or if she should just call up one of the other heroes. “Leave it alone kid, it’s just a patrol. If any real heavy hitters show up you can just call in Shoto or Chargebolt. They’re both on night patrol too right?”
“Yeah okay, I’ll keep them on standby.”
Katsuki grunted in agreement and switched off her audio, if he needed help she would hear and if she needed to reach him she could manually override it anyway. For now, he wanted to be alone, needed to in fact. Night patrols were the worst, he was always cranky once they ended and nothing ever happened anymore. Don’t get him wrong, he was glad that things seemed to be getting better. A time of peace after the war, a time of healing and happiness. A time when everyone seemed to be moving on, finding new hobbies and interests, finding comfort in other people and new pursuits. Everyone but him.
Sometimes it felt like he was sixteen again, stuck in place while the people around him kept moving. Stuck competing with the same person, stuck trying to improve the same moves, stuck in his ways and the habits that had carried him through life until then. Eijirou and Mina had gotten engaged last month, not only was Kyoka’s agency thriving but so was her music career, he could barely talk to Shoto anymore with how at peace the man seemed and of course there was fucking Deku. Izuku who had left behind the dream they had worked so hard for, the dream Katsuki had worked so hard for. Izuku who decided he was in love with a girl he hadn’t so much as talked to for eight years, Izuku who suddenly did not do night patrols anymore, Izuku who did not want Kacchan anymore. Katsuki’s lips curled into a scowl when he realised he had referred to himself as that old nickname again. It was something that would crop up now and then since the war, when he got upset or too caught up in his thoughts, he would find himself mimicking the nerd. Calling himself Kacchan, mumbling under his breath, even doing that stupid nervous thing he did where he wrung his hands together over and over until Katsuki snapped at him to knock it off.
“Fucking asshole,” he muttered under his breath, kicking a rock in his path as he continued down the road.
A time of peace, he scoffed to himself, they were deluding themselves. Nothing had really changed enough for there to be a permanent time of peace. Round Face still had an endless list of cases of children harmed for their quirks or children causing harm because they did not know how to handle their quirks. Quirk marriages and breeding programs still existed, no matter how many of these rings they took down new ones would always crop up. Peace was a lie that the commission fed to the public and Katsuki knew it, he could feel it in the hairs of his neck when he passed by hushed conversation, when he walked past certain neighbourhoods that still held scars from the war. He could see it in the way some people looked at them still like they didn’t trust the heroes to look out for them, bitterness left over from when so many pro’s abandoned their posts the last time things got too difficult. No one verbally said anything, not to them, not to the child soldiers who were put on the front lines but Katsuki had always been smart. He could see it simmering just below the surface, the resentment, the anger, the need for something concrete to change. The need for proof that they were truly safe.
He nodded brief greetings to fans who recognised him or called out, stopped to say hi to a kid or two, and helped an older woman catch her bus. Simple things he needed to do to keep his community running, things he liked doing honestly. He did miss the big villains and dramatic fights but this stuff was important too, he knew that now. At twenty-seven he knew better than most how important these small things were so he made sure he did it, he never went out of his way to be bubbly like Pinky or flirty like Dunceface but he did what worked for him and it seemed to resonate.
Over the last year since Izuku got back into the scene, even if only party time, Katsuki’s rankings had risen once again and he was able to crack into the top ten. He was easier to talk to when Izuku was around, more willing to stop and give interviews after fights, willing to do menial things just to prolong the time he got with Izuku out on the field and in the process of all that he found himself genuinely liking all of it. Now instead of grumbling and rolling his eyes when someone asked him for help moving a heavy refrigerator or to get their pet down from a tree he would make a show of being exasperated by the request but help regardless. He would talk to them, and ask simple questions, the first time he did so he found out just how helpful it was to be on good terms with civilians. Not just for his rankings but also for the general task of hero work, knowing the routines of the shops he passed every day on his patrols, learning what people need and where they usually are, and being connected to the people he was sworn to protect was one of the strongest tools to his improvement as not only a hero but also a person.
“Dynamight!” A voice called out from behind him, followed by a man running up to him. “Dynamight please we need your help my wife’s in trouble!”
Katsuki whirled around to face the man, his face calm but firm as he took in his dishevelled state. Blood on his hands and his shirt, his hair tussled and eyes wide with alarm as he stood in front of him. “Where is she? Did you get attacked?”
“Some punks,” He responded bending over to cough and catch his breath as he tried to speak, “over there, down that alley we were going home and they jumped us! She’s hurt badly and I can’t carry her like this.”
Katsuki nodded, picking up the man who yelped in surprise at being lifted like a bride before clinging on tight when Katsuki started off running to the aforementioned alley. He knew something was wrong as soon as he stepped foot in the alley, the scene was wrong, it was too clean. The woman passed out on the floor splayed at an odd angle, no trace of blood anywhere on the ground or on the brick wall beside her. He turned to look for the man he had just carried in but he had disappeared, it was an ambush.
Katsuki ducked in time to miss the bullet that should have got him in between the eyes, releasing a small stream of explosions into the ground to push him up into the air he landed on a balcony. Red eyes scanned the ground below, making out four new men coming out of the shadows, wicked smiles painted on their faces and weapons glinting in their hands. The woman was gone.
“You fuckers got a death wish or you really don’t know who I am?” He yelled out, crouching on the balcony buying time so he could form a plan.
They laughed in response, it set Katsuki’s teeth on edge how dare they not take him seriously? “We heard you’ve mellowed out hero, not even half the threat you used to be.”
“Only thing anyone even says about your pathetic ass is that you follow that green fuck around like a dog.” One of the men with fingers that were pointed unnaturally said, spitting on the ground.
Katsuki’s jaw clenched at the comment, he knew they were just provoking him. Trying to get a reaction but fuck if he didn’t want to give it to them. It had been a long fucking day and it had been a while since he was able to actually hurt someone, cause some damage. In all honesty, he missed it, he missed the feeling of bones breaking under his fingers, the sizzling of flesh when he aimed an explosion at bared skin. He didn’t admit it to anyone because well he was a better person now, not that violent rash teenager anymore but sometimes… sometimes he just needed to fucking let go.
“You shouldn’t believe everything you see online,” He says as a slow smile spread across his face and he reached up to remove his earpiece. If these thugs wanted a fight he would give it to them, fuck the damage charges he would deal with it later. With that decision made he put his hands up in mock surrender, his face the picture of arrogance.
One of the men who spoke earlier put out his hand, the limb stretching unnaturally clearly aiming to grab him. Katsuki laughed at the pitiful effort and aimed an explosion at the mans arm, blowing it away and using the momentum to flip off the balcony and land behind a man with bright silver hair. The man turns around and runs straight for Katsuki, a knife gripped tight in his hand. Katsuki jumps back, the man knew how to swing the damn thing he would admit that much but it didn’t mean anything more than that. He sidestepped, grabbing the man's wrist from underneath and bending it back. The sound of bone snapping was followed by a pained scream when Katsuki’s other elbow came crashing down on the back of his neck sending the man into the ground. He let go of the silver-haired man long enough to aim three perfect shots at the other men advancing on him, not enough to kill but enough to disorient long enough for him to deal with the one on the floor.
Katsuki loved his quirk, it was powerful and strong and loud and it attracted attention like no other but there was a certain sick pleasure in taking someone down with his own two hands. He turned back in time to see the silver-haired man stumble to his feet, his right arm dangling uselessly at his side. If he wasn’t so hopped up on adrenaline maybe Katsuki would’ve felt a pang of sympathy or a phantom ache in his own scarred arm. “You done running your mouth fuckface?”
The man let out a strangled scream and ran forward toward him again, knife held in the other hand, clearly weaker and less practised. Katsuki scoffed ducking under the clumsy strike and grabbing the man by the shirt before flipping him over his head. The man crashed onto the brick on his back, blood spurting out of his mouth as the breath was knocked from his lungs. Katsuki swung a leg over the man, standing above him to grab him by the hair and slam his head back into the ground, once, twice, thrice until the man's eyes rolled back into his head. Before he could move though he felt a searing pain in his back like he had been cut and he crashed to the side, he turned to see two of the men closing in. One with his hands sharp and pointed like blades and the other larger than Katsuki by quite a bit. He couldn’t get caught between the two of them, they would shred him to ribbons before he got the chance to react. He looked around, the alley was too small to fight in the air and any explosions he let out would have to be controlled. They were still in a neighbourhood, no matter how empty it may be he needed to take care of his community first.
He decided within seconds to take down the larger man first, the blades could be avoided but an opponent of that size was a worry. He cocked his arm grenade back aiming it at the man with the blades and let out three AP shots aimed at the man's legs blowing them out underneath him. He watched as he crumbled to the ground, the sound of the explosions echoing in the alley. The man's friend snarled and barrelled forward, it seemed like he was getting bigger. Katsuki decided that must be his quirk, enhancement quirks were rare but he knew how to deal with them. He wasn’t the bulkiest hero but damn it if he let that stop him.
As the giant came rushing towards him he used that momentum to his advantage, grabbing him by the front of his shirt, sliding under his legs and behind him. He got to his feet immediately and jumped onto the man's back, hooking one arm around his thick neck and bringing the other down against the point between his neck and shoulder. His fist crashed down against his opponent's trapezius muscle twice before the man grabbed him by the hair and flipped him over onto his back. Katsuki felt the air in his lungs be forced out as he made contact with the hard concrete, before he could get up on his own the giant grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up, slamming his back against the wall and making him cough up spurts of blood.
“You think you’re tough shit don’t you?” He sneered at Katsuki, slamming him back against the wall again.
Katsuki allowed himself to go limp in the others man arms and he loosened his grip for only a second but a second was all he needed. Katsuki had been training and sparring with Kirishima for basically their entire careers and there was no one he knew who relied on brute strength more than the redhead so when the giant loosened his grip for a second he kicked out with both legs. The kick landing square in the giant's stomach sending him crashing heavily against the ground and dropping Katsuki on the ground. When he got back up he could see the other two standing up as well, “Fuck,” he needed to end this now. He wouldn’t be able to take all three at once without blowing the entire place up, he dived forward his fist aimed for the large man's nose. He rained punches down against the giant's head, his legs pinning the guy's hands to the ground as he did. Blood squirted out of the giant’s face, smearing on Katsuki’s face and drenching his bangs. Katsuki kept going until he felt the man go limp under him and his breathing shallowed out. He stood up, kicking the giant in the head for good measure before running straight towards the man with the stretchy arms.
This guy depended on his quirk too much, it was obvious from the way he fought. He had no idea how to hold his own without his quirk and from how much he flailed around with his arms he wasn’t the most skilled at using his quirk either. A plan forms in his mind and he slows down just enough to give Stretch a chance to use his quirk, Katsuki’s eyes widening in excitement when he did exactly what he predicted. Katsuki grabbed the outstretched arms and pulled him forward, his forehead making hard impact with Stretch’s nose. The crunch of his nose breaking sent a deep thrill through Katsuki. The man stumbled back, clutching his nose and screaming obscenities at him as blood gushed out of his broken nose. Katsuki laughed, something crazy and excitable that bubbled up from deep inside his stomach. The last time he had had the chance to go so hard in a fight was years ago and even if the current villains weren’t the most powerful, the circumstances limited him. Not being able to just blast these fools into submission, having to take care of their surroundings, making sure not to actually kill these guys and the impositions he puts on himself. All of the things that limited him from acting recklessly made the fight that much harder which to Katsuki made the fight that much more fun.
He turns in time to aim an explosion at the guy with the blade quirk, not letting him get close. His back was already cut up from the last time this guy had come too close and Katsuki could feel the effects of the wounds slowing him down despite the adrenaline. The force of the explosion at close range had sent Blade Guy colliding with the trash can near a wall, while he was distracted Stretch had deployed his quirk again. His arms reached out and grabbed Katsuki by the waist raising him into the air and dropping him, “MORON!” Katsuki yelled, releasing a series of explosions that let him twist his body mid-air and change the trajectory of his fall so he could collide with Stretch instead of the ground. He landed with his knee against the man’s neck, grinding down until his face turned blue, Katsuki took the guy’s limp elongated arms and used them to tie his legs together. When he stood up he let out a little laugh at the perfect hogtie, he spat out the blood pooling in his mouth and wiped what was streaming down from his forehead with his shoulder before turning around to face the last one left.
“Just you and me shitface,” He said cracking his neck and stalking over to where the man lay sprawled out against the trash cans. Katsuki could see the fear flash across Blade Guy's face but to his credit he stood back up, swaying slightly from the beatdown but still on his feet. He smirked, beckoning the man forward with two fingers. Whatever fear Blade Guy felt vanished as his ego reared its head. This was Katsuki’s favourite thing about villains, their egos were always so inflated and if there was anyone who could piss someone off to the point of stupid decisions it was Katsuki Bakugo. The man charged at Katsuki, his fingers elongated into sharp deadly blades but his footing was messy, his anger had taken too much control from him so by the time he reached Katsuki he could sidestep with the ease and grace of a dancer. Katsuki grabbed the man by the back of his shirt and threw him against the wall, the sound of his body hitting the wall and the pained groan leaving his lips echoed like sweet music.
“You thought what? Cause I chilled out a bit over the years,” Katsuki spoke, his voice rough and mocking as he walked up to the man and grabbed him by the wrist, “I wouldn’t beat you half to death?” He asked snapping the man's wrists in his hands like they were made of paper. His pained cries rang out as his quirk faded away and the blades were replaced by regular fingers.
“You’re a fucking monster,” Blade Guy spat, his body shaking as pain and shock wracked through him.
“Damn right I am,” Katsuki responded with a snort, his fingers twisting in Blade Guy's hair as he crouched low and got in his face. “Next time you want to ambush me bring more than four pathetic pieces of shit.” He slammed the man’s head back against the wall, effectively knocking him out as well.
Katsuki stumbled back, heaving as the adrenaline finally wore off and he took stock of his injuries. His back was bleeding and cut up and his hair was absolutely matted with blood from being slammed against the wall earlier but nothing too bad. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed by a visit to the clinic, a few painkillers and maybe some stitches, nothing he couldn’t handle. Katsuki was just about to put his earpiece back in when he noticed shuffling at the far end of the alley, he put his gauntlets up immediately ready to end this quickly until small sneakered feet stepped out. Katsuki lowered his weapons slowly, eyes squinted as he tried to make out who it was in the shadows.
“Hey! Come out of there with your hands up or I blow you sky fucking high.” He barked out, keeping one gauntlet trained on the shadowy figure.
A boy, he couldn’t have been more than nine, walks out, his hands up in a defensive posture and looks around at the bodies littering the ground, some groaning in pain and others knocked out cold. He zeroed in on the blood streaming down Katsuki’s face and Katsuki knows the look, he recognises it as something he’s seen countless times. Distrust, doubt, fear. The kid is scared, he doesn’t trust Katsuki, hell he has no reason to so Katsuki crouches low. He takes off the imposing gauntlets on his arms and places them nearby.
What would he do? Katsuki asks himself, thinking back to the way Izuku interacts with scared children. He remembers how to save, remembers how important it is to save and how this is what Izuku would want him to do. He would want him to be open, lower his defences and promise the child he would take care of him, that he would be there to protect him so he does exactly that.
“Hey I’m a hero it’s okay, you’re safe now,” Katsuki says, his voice a softer register than usual. He makes sure to stretch his hand out, opening his palms fully, ensuring the child doesn’t see him as a threat, and ensuring that his hand is available to be held, to be relied on. When the boy takes a step back Katsuki recalculates, the kid is obviously part of the team of villains, he must have grown up around them. Raised to hate and fear heroes, it would take more than an open hand to convince someone like that that he could be trusted so he gets down on one knee and takes off his mask, pushing his hair back with it and smiles. “It’s okay if you don’t trust me, I understand.”
The kid furrows his eyebrows, an unexpected change from the man who took down four of his friends. Katsuki takes his right glove off before reaching out to the boy again, “Are your parents anywhere around? Maybe I can take you to them, I’m sure they’re worried.” When the boy shakes his head and clutches his hand to his chest Katsuki bites back a curse, “That’s alright, sometimes parents are difficult right?” He says and tries for a laugh, ignoring the way his head was pounding.
The boy doesn’t laugh but the confusion on his face grows, That’s good, Katsuki thinks. Confusion is better than fear, better than hate. Confusion he can work with. “Do you have anyone who might be worried about you right now? A teacher or a friend maybe?” The boy shakes his head again and looks around at the men laid out around them. Katsuki’s worry is realised, the kid is part of the gang he just took down. “That’s fine too, friends worry too much sometimes, right? Just needs to back off and let you handle your own shit?” The boy cracks a smile before quickly forcing his face back into an empty expression when Katsuki curses. A way in.
“They keep you on a pretty tight leash huh kid?” He asks sitting down fully, legs crossed under him the way only children do and he sees some of the tension ease from the kids shoulders. “You wanna tell me your name? I’m Bakugo.” He said offering up the piece of information he’s not really supposed to give to civilians. When the boy furrows his eyebrows again and takes a step forward he decides it is worth it.
“Makoto.”
“Makoto do you know these guys?” Katsuki asks and regrets immediately when the boy shrinks away again his hands covering his chest in a protective gesture, “Hey that’s okay, you don’t gotta tell me shit. After all, I’m just some guy in a costume right?”
Makoto laughs a little and Katsuki almost cheers with joy, he’s never been the best with children. Whenever they were on missions and children were involved Katsuki always preferred to let his friends handle them, it’s not that he didn’t like them it was just so much more difficult to interact with them. So much could go wrong, he could mess up in so many ways and he just didn’t have it in him to mess up another kid.
Green eyes flash in his mind, bright and wide, partially hidden under a mop of dirty green hair. The eyes, overflowing with tears, look up at him asking him why he’s being mean, begging him to stop fighting. Kacchan please you’re hurting him! Stop it! Katsuki swallows hard, banishing the memory from his mind and focusing on the child again. “Do you like explosions Makoto?” The kid raises an eyebrow, curiosity peaked and inches closer once again, three steps forward.
Katsuki opens his palm and watches as Makoto’s eyes fix on it, he closes it slowly before opening it again only this time his palm is lit up with small orange explosions. Katsuki watches as Makoto’s eyes light up in surprise at the scene and he walks even closer. When the light from his palm finally catches on the boy Katsuki’s breath stops in his throat, behind those thick-framed glasses are green eyes. Not as bright or sparkling as the ones that haunt his dreams but green eyes all the same, coupled with the splatter of freckles across the boy’s face and it was enough to shatter all of Katsuki’s defences in one fell swoop.
“Wanna see something even cooler?”
Makoto nods, looking at him with wide eyes. Katsuki chuckles in his throat before shooting a long-range explosion up into the sky, he watches Makoto as he watches the explosion disperse in the night sky like fireworks. The kid’s mouth opens slightly as he takes in the sight, the light from his explosions reflecting back onto them. “Makoto can I ask you a question?”
Makoto looks back at him, eyes squinted as though the decision weighed heavily on him before nodding, “Yeah.”
Katsuki lets out a heavy breath and offers the kid his other hand, tucking away the one still hot from using quirk. “It’s not safe here, is there anywhere at all I can take you?”
Makoto is quiet for a long moment and Katsuki almost considers just grabbing the kid and taking him to the nearest police station anyway when Makoto nods and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Okay.”
Katsuki lets out another breath he didn’t realise he was holding when the boy closes the distance. Makoto takes his hand with his right, his left still tucked in his pocket. Weird, Katsuki thinks but lifts him up anyway, Makoto clings to the hero immediately as though he was waiting to be held in some way for a long time. Katsuki felt the edges of the boys hair tickle his nose and he pet Makoto’s back, trying to reassure him that it would all be okay. Why does it still feel so off though? His mind does not allow him to relax, battle skills hardened over the years flaring and telling him he was still in danger, that he needed to put his guard back up. Let go of the kid and focus on the fight, he needs to win, saving comes later, first he needs to win but… there’s no one left to fight? The villains are on the ground, all incapacitated in one way or the other and the kid is safe in his arms.
The kid.
Katsuki’s realisation comes too late to avoid the small knife that suddenly finds its way into his chest. He let out a pained grunt, his throat constricting as pain flared through his body. He dropped the child and bent forward as he felt the knife leave his chest cavity and his breathing came out in ragged gasps. Makoto lands heavily on the ground but he manages to lift himself to his feet, his face hard and distrusting again. Had it ever actually changed? Katsuki wasn’t sure anymore, he tried to grab the boy again but he skirted back moving faster than Katsuki could with the hole in his chest. He fell to his knees, hand pressed against the stab wound, trying to stop the blood leaking out. In that time Makoto had taken off running into the alley and disappeared around a corner. Katsuki’s breathing got heavier. He just needed to get down the street to the police station, it would be fine once someone saw him. His vision was blurring, fuck, he needed to get help, needed to breathe properly.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck, it was getting hard to breathe. Every single inhale felt like it was constricting him further rather than allowing him to think clearly, as fear set in and his heart began to shudder in his chest Katsuki’s mind drifted back to the last time this had happened. The last time he had been so close to death, when he had in fact died. He was alone this time, surrounded by broken bodies he had defeated. Fuck, he had won. This wasn’t fair, none of this was fair. Every breath he took seemed to constrict his breathing even more, his lungs didn’t feel like they were expanding, in fact they felt like they were rejecting the air he was breathing like his body was telling him to stop, to give up, to let go. He stumbled against a wall, using it to sink down onto the ground and undo his hero suit so he could breathe easier. It didn’t help. He took off as much as he could, his neck pieces, his wrist protectors, the mask, and unzipped the top of his suit but none of it made any difference. He could feel it in his chest, that old ache he had buried deep inside. An ache that always started in his belly and climbed its way up, twisting around his organs, piercing his heart and crawling up into his throat until it felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. Like his mouth was full of it, his lungs filled to the point of overflowing with thick hot tar, sticky and black and suffocating.
Panic.
That’s what it was, white-hot fear crawling its way through his body, making his hair stand on edge, his body break out in goosebumps and his heart beat a mile a minute. A rate his poor heart couldn’t take anymore, not after being torn apart and put back together. Katsuki spat hard trying to get the tar out, he sucked air in trying to get air back but alas unbeknownst to him that was the last thing his body needed. You see when you get stabbed in the chest, if a decently sized hole has been created, it creates a vacuum for air flow. External air enters the chest cavity and increases pressure, making it impossible for the lungs to expand the way it needs to in order to provide oxygen for the body so with every shuddering breath Katsuki took his lungs rejected it, worsening the issue until he felt a sharp pain in his heart.
Katsuki slumped back against the wall again, his hands slack on his lap as he felt his heart constrict, struggling to pump blood the way it needed to. How could it? A heart needs oxygen to work right the same way a hero needs a partner to watch his back. Katsuki laughed, something bitter and mournful as he felt his body get weaker.
“Fuck Izuku,” He whispered. “I guess this was meant to happen at some point or the other huh?” Katsuki coughed, speaking was difficult. It was too difficult suddenly but he needed to. He wasn’t sure who he was talking to, hell he wasn’t even sure if he was speaking aloud or if it was just in his head. He couldn’t really see anymore.
“I never told you about this but the last time this happened, the last time I died was for you. You’ll never know, I made all those assholes promise to never tell you so you’ll never know but I did. I made a big show about dying for Japan, dying for the cause, dying because I’m a hero but fuck…” He stopped, his eyes filling up with tears that fell to his lap like molten lava. “There’s only one person I’d ever do that shit for, you’re the only person I would ever give up my life for you fucking idiot and you left. You fucking left me to do this on my own after all that, after all the promises you made, everything we promised to do together you left me and for what? For teaching? For her?”
Katsuki heard himself laugh accompanied by shooting pains through his body, his head was throbbing. Injuries that didn’t seem so life-threatening previously suddenly weighed down on him.
“Na, I know you you bastard,” he forced himself to continue, “you left cause you’re a coward. Too scared of what could be, too scared of the hero you could be. The hero you were. Too fucking scared of what we could be. Fuck Izuku it was the one thing I never doubted ya know? If nothing else, even when I hated you I never thought you were a coward. You were braver than pretty much anyone I knew even when you were a scrawny little twerp but that’s not who you are anymore.” Katsuki took a shuddering breath and his lungs screamed at him to stop, to stop torturing himself, stop trying to make it out of this. Just let yourself die, just put it to rest, you’ve done enough, please just stop trying.
“Shut up,” he said aloud, willing away his own thoughts of despair. He wouldn’t die without saying what he needed to say, even if Izuku never heard it he would get it out. Even if the fucking nerd never knew Katsuki wouldn’t die a coward. “What was so scary huh? Failure? Fuck you, you’ve failed a thousand times before, you’ve failed up and down your whole life and you couldn’t do it once more? Couldn’t fail another time? Fuck Izuku I would’ve been there, we could’ve done it together. If you fell I would have caught you you asshole, how many ever times it took I would have caught you and put you right back onto your feet. I wouldn’t have let you fall Izuku why couldn’t you just trust me? Just trust that I would be there to catch you, to take care of you? Fuck to love you.”
He leaned back again, his head resting against the brick wall. The tears were streaming down without end now, like everything he’s ever held back was breaking through. All the exhaustion, the years of waiting and dancing around the actual issue. The struggle to keep himself going, through physical therapy, through relearning how to use his quirk, through finding out Izuku was going to lose OFA, through making his suit, watching him give up on himself, watching as he chased after someone who didn’t know him even half as well. Everything he had kept locked inside his chest spilt alongside the blood that leaked out of the gaping wound. He shivered, his body getting colder as it happened. It wasn’t like this last time, last time he had died quickly and suddenly, the pain he felt was backed up by the adrenaline of the fight, the need to win, to protect those around him. But now?
Now he was alone, Katsuki was a performer whose final show had just ended. The curtains had come down and he was on the stage alone, looking out into an empty auditorium. The audience made up of regrets and dreams that would never be fulfilled, seats taken up by previous versions of himself at six, at thirteen, at sixteen, at eighteen and the most recent at twenty-five. In his joggers and tee shirt, the night Izuku left.
The stage, Katsuki thought as he looked around. It was on a stage when this happened last time, surrounded by cameras and friends, a villain who took joy in seeing him broken down. So many pairs of eyes were watching him that day, begging him not to die, begging him to keep fighting, keeping performing but now… now it was just him. The orchestra had stopped a long time ago, his heroic musical accompaniment cutting out and replaced with an oppressive lonely silence. He was alone on the stage now, not a hero anymore. Not a martyr or a soldier just a casualty. A statistic on a paper the commission would use to tighten their control over the heroes, a number that would be manipulated to everyone's will but his. They would publish articles about his bravery, talk about all the people he saved and all the things he did right and once the appropriate mourning period was over, all the things he did wrong. They would post pictures of the times he messed up, the buildings he blew up, the people he snapped at. They would talk about how he was a bully in school, how they had to muzzle and restrain him during his first sports festival cause he was such a monster. They would talk about him like they knew him, say no wonder he always worked alone, no wonder he didn’t have a partner. Who would want to work beside someone like that? Poor Deku, he had to put up with someone so unhinged for so long. It's a good thing he’s gone, they wouldn’t say it out loud. No they would say it in hushed whispers when they talk amongst themselves, they would say a small prayer for the hero who died alone in a dirty alley and then they would thank that same god for taking the volatile time bomb off the streets.
“ Izuku ,” Katsuki thought, he was too weak to speak anymore. His lips had gone a scary shade of blue, pale and frozen like the slush left on the ground after a particularly harsh winter. “ Izuku where are you? Why aren’t you here? You didn’t save me. You’re supposed to be the one who saves asshole, I win and you save right? That was the deal. I won so where are you? Why aren’t you saving me Izuku? I don’t want to die. Fuck I don’t want to die like this, not alone. Not like this. Fuck fuck fuck please I don’t want to die I don’t want to die Izuku please. I need you. I need you to save me, please just save me. I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die. ”
He closed his eyes as the other versions of him came up to him on the stage, sitting beside him, forming a circle. Every single version had its accompanying Izuku, from the little boys who played heroes together, to the tears-streaked face who clung stubbornly to his Kacchan to the scared middle schooler determined to prove Kacchan wrong to the fiercely stubborn hero who would not leave his Kacchan no matter what. Katsuki smiled at the version of him at twenty-five, he was the only other one without a version of Izuku wrapped around him.
“Just you and me huh?” He whispered, his lips barely moving.
There was no reply.