Chapter Text
“We don’t think you’re…. mature enough to be a full time member of the Avenger Initiative.” Fury had said as tactfully as he could.
This was ringing in Peter’s ears as he patrolled that evening, he couldn’t believe it. He might have believed it if he was still that confused seventeen year old, but the man was nearing thirty this was ridiculous. Apparently Fury considered helping the little people less noteworthy than fighting aliens every few years. Peter could understand where Fury was coming from, he suppose, you know it’s only the people of New York Peter was helping. What was that? Eight million people? Not that big a deal really, especially considering a lot of the work he did nowadays was cleaning up after the Avengers. Yeah, nothing major.
And you know what hurt the most? The Avengers agreed with Fury, they said he wasn’t ready. The ol’ Cap had sat him down and said “You’re better out working on the streets than working with us. You’ve got more than enough time and energy for that, kid” and then he had the audacity to ruffle Peter’s hair. Did anyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. know that Peter had the ability to age past twenty?
Then, to add insult to injury, Fury said that, although he was still not a qualified Avenger, his skills were still needed for a recon mission. As though he was their pet that was on their beck and call. And he couldn’t just say no, lives were at stake. So he was on call for the next couple of days, they even gave him a pager. He was going to throw that outdated thing down the stairs next chance he got.
So yeah, he was more than a little miffed. It probably didn’t help that he spent the rest of the day patrolling the streets, practically jumping down the throats of anyone who even jaywalked in front of him. He was now perched on the edge of a rooftop, there was a shady looking guy standing next to the hot dog stand on the corner of the street.
“Wow I didn’t know being called Spiderman actually made you act like a spider, do you eat flies as well or are you more of a wasp man?”
Peter nearly fell off the damn building, he turned around to see Deadpool waving at him. He sighed deeply.
“If we could not do this that’d be splendid.” Peter said before jumping off of the building. He managed to swing over to a building further down the street and continued to watch the shady man.
“Motherfucker… you do not take my knees into consideration when you pull shit like that.” Deadpool panted while clutching said knees. He’d somehow managed to catch up to him not even minutes after Peter had gotten there. If Peter wasn’t mad he’d be impressed.
“What do you want, Wade?” Peter asked, he always wanted something, although usually he only wanted to hit on Peter.
“Spidey you’d consider us friends, right?” Deadpool said in such an ass-kissing tone, Peter had to roll his eyes.
“Nope, not even once, I can’t say the thought has even slightly crossed my mind.” Peter quickly replied. Deadpool ignored him and carried on.
“So, friend, I have a proposition for you.” He stopped for a dramatic pause. “How would you like to date me?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Peter responded after he took a minute to pick his jaw back off the ground.
“Not for real, god no. I would never, I mean I don’t even know who you are. You could be a grey old man under there… although you sound fifteen.” Deadpool babbled. For fuck’s… he’s twenty eight, how does no one realise this?
“Does this have a point?”
“A certain Canadian-played-by-an-Australian ursine friend of mine insisted that if I am going to be associated with him and his merry band of X-Men, I need to get my ‘fucking ass into gear.’ And I didn’t want to do that so I hired a PR team to do it for me. And they said it’d be good for my image if I dated a superhero and I knew I never had a shot with Captain America soooo.” Deadpool trailed off.
“You want to fake date me?” Peter replied. Was this real? This couldn’t possibly be a real thing that Peter was being asked.
“Well I would actual date you if you really want, but we’d need to establish a safe word first.” He could practically see the horrific images in Deadpool’s brain.
“No, thank you.” He replied and went to jump again, Deadpool grabbed his arm before he could.
“To the real dating?” Deadpool clarified.
“To both.” Peter said as though it were obvious. Deadpool looked genuinely shocked.
“What?! How can you say no?”
“What made you think I’d say yes?” Peter asked, deeply confused at Deadpool’s plan here.
“Blind faith mostly.” Deadpool shrugged.
“Right ok, see you round Wade,” Peter again turned to leave.
“Fine see if I care run back to your Avengers, better company than I ever could be.” Deadpool muttered bitterly under his breath and started the slow rejected walk back to wherever he came from. The Avengers… Peter had a thought, it wasn’t a good thought and normally he’d regret thinking it. But today was different, today he wanted to tell the Avengers to suck a fucking dick. And who better to do that with than the top spot of the never to work with list?
“Wade.” Peter said, Deadpool immediately appeared in front of his face. He’s like Voldemort that way.
“Yes Spidey?”
“I figured out why I’d say yes.”
“Hmm?”
“I need your help to piss off the Avengers.” Peter said, even through the mask he could see possibly the biggest grin he’s ever seen on a person.
“Well you have come to the right man. Do you want to start pissing them off now?” Deadpool moved in to kiss Peter, dear lord no. Peter quickly side stepped and watched as Deadpool kissed the air.
“No, actually I do not require your services now. But if you could be my on-call boyfriend for a couple of days that would be great.”
“On call?”
“Yeah there’s a teensy alien invasion, I guess, and the Avengers asked for my help as a not an Avenger.” The more Peter explained the situation the bigger Deadpool’s eyes widened. “And I couldn’t possibly fight aliens without my snookums by my side. You’re a damn good fighter so they shouldn’t say no if I insist on having you there, I may have to throw a few tantrums to convince them but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. But, I’m sorry Wade, but they won’t enjoy your company and they’ll enjoy our coupledom even less.” Peter got a bit carried away with this plan, it was now possibly the best revenge plan he’d ever thought of. The look on Steve’s face when he calls Deadpool “Daddy” in the middle of a fight will be worth the rejection alone.
“This is so fucking cool! If I call you Johnny Rico will you call me Dizzy Flores?” Deadpool was hopping from foot to foot excitedly.
“Didn’t they die at the end?”
“No I die in the end, and I can’t die so we’re safe” Deadpool shrugged. He then waited a moment before leaning into Peter and waggling his eyebrows “For now”
“Right… I’ll be leaving now.”
“Wait if I’m on call how do I know when I’ll be needed?”
“I thought you’d be the master of stalking me by now Wade.” Peter said dryly before jumping off the building. The suspicious guy had the hot dog stand up at gunpoint, which was ridiculous like there would be $50 in that hot dog stand at most. As leaped over to him and kicked the gun out of the man’s hand, he had a sudden feeling of intense regret over what he had just agreed to. This was going to be an interesting couple of days.
Fortunately Peter didn’t have to wait long, his pager beeped at him that he was needed at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters not even a couple of hours later. His initial plan was that he thought if the pager beeped Deadpool would just randomly show up as he is wont to do. But the thing beeped and no Deadpool, Peter wasn’t sure why he thought that would work. Time for Plan B, he got off the couch and grabbed his mask, he slid it on and lent his head out of his living room window.
“YO! WADE!” He yelled at the top of his lungs. He ducked back into his apartment, and walked into his bedroom to grab a duffel bag he had packed and ready to go. He walked out of his bedroom to see a panting Deadpool in his living room.
“You rang?” Deadpool said in an attempted suave voice, the fact he had very large pit stains and was breathing heavily detracted from this.
“You ready to go? They want me at HQ now.”
“Are you?” Deadpool gestured at the knitted sweater Peter was wearing that said “Got Webs?” and his sweatpants. Peter shrugged.
“I have my mask on right? How much more Spiderman do I have to be?”
“Knit that yourself?” Deadpool smirked. Peter nodded. “Does Spiderman use traditional wool or does he use web?”
Peter rolled his eyes as he walked over to the door of his apartment and opened it and gestured for Deadpool to go through it. Deadpool did not.
“Wait are we not… swinging there? What do you call your way of moving?” Deadpool tilted his head as he went through the possibilities, Peter could have sworn he looked disappointed.
“In sweats? I don’t think so. After you, Sweetums.” Peter said dryly and gestured to the door again. Deadpool immediately perked up and sauntered out of the room.
“Hate to see me go love to watch me leave eh?” Deadpool replied with a grin. Peter sighed so deeply that he feared his lungs couldn’t take the large amount of air he inhaled.
“Ah yes your sweaty ass wearing spandex with bullet holes in all the wrong places. It just does things to a man.” Peter said as he locked the door behind him.
“I leave them there on purpose, it shows a bit of skin while still being intimidating.” Deadpool posed seductively at the end of the hallway. Peter walked straight past him and started climbing down the stairs.
“No, it just shows you’re too lazy to fix your costume.”
The cab ride there was nothing special, Deadpool spoke for the entire time. Peter focused in and out of this long spiel about this amazing pizza place but then the mafia got involved somehow? At any rate it ended with Deadpool blinding angry gunmen with pepperoni slices and jalapenos. Peter wasn’t surprised at this story, to be honest he was expecting more use of the pizza cutter.
As they left the cab and entered the building, Peter had to remind himself that this wasn’t as bad an idea as he thinks it is now. He wasn’t going to get murdered in his sleep over this idea, Deadpool might but that’s hardly a problem. This was just a light-hearted prank, no one was going to get overly furious at this. He was going to be fine, in fact it might be a little fun. He had told Deadpool to be at his most irritating and he was sure he would not be disappointed. This would turn out ok. They entered the lift.
“You ready darling?” Deadpool grinned.
“With you I’ll always be.” Peter said dramatically and before cracking up laughing.
“Is our love funny to you?” Deadpool said in a mock angry tone and placed his hands on his hips.
“Absolutely.” Peter stated as though it was obvious. He glanced at the lift controls, they were about to reach their floor. He took Deadpool’s hand off his hip and into his own. “Showtime.”
And the doors opened. They walked hand in hand through the reception area and into Fury’s conference room. As Peter opened the door he saw the Avengers’ welcoming faces and then Deadpool trailed in after him and suddenly they weren’t so welcoming anymore. Peter had never felt more alive than he felt at that moment, it took everything in him to not burst out laughing at their horrorstruck faces. Well everyone except Clint, he casually saluted Deadpool before looking back at the screen where Fury was giving his briefing. Fury in fact was not currently giving his briefing, he was looking directly at Peter, and he was looking extremely fury-ious in fact. Deadpool clearly was also thrilled to bits by their reaction because he dropped Peter’s hand and did the over exaggerated yawn move and draped his arm across Peter. Peter leaned into it and took Deadpool’s hand into his.
“Hey guys, what did we miss?” Peter said casually.
“What did you miss?” Natasha said disbelievingly, the first to break the uncomfortable silence. This was literally gold, if Peter could ever memorise a moment he would want it to be this one.
“Oh yeah right, this is my boyfriend Deadpool. I thought he could tag along since he’s a pretty good fighter.” Peter explained. He was pretty sure he just saw Steve’s eyes pop out of his head.
“I think you’ll find I’m just pretty in general.” Deadpool said to Peter in a gooey lovesick tone, that even grossed Peter out and he was in on the joke. So of course he needed to up the ante because Tony’s jaw hadn’t dropped yet.
“Damn straight.” Peter murmured before kissing Deadpool through the mask. And there goes Tony. This was the best idea Peter had ever had in his life. It was a quick peck on the lips but Deadpool seemed to be a bit breathless after Peter pulled away. It was a nice touch.
“You want to bring him along?” Natasha asked with a silent rage that she was just so good at.
“This isn’t prom, Peter. You don’t get to bring a date.” Tony snapped.
“Why not? The widowmaker here did.” Deadpool whispered into Peter’s ear. Peter had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing.
“This is a government funded mission, there are lives at stake.” Steve said as though he was talking to a child.
“You show up in trackpants and whatever that thing on your torso is, with him. Are you taking any of this seriously at all?” Natasha said scathingly.
“What and your typical leggings are oh so much more serious?” Deadpool continued to snark in Peter’s ear. It was kind of calming actually, Peter wasn’t used to such a full frontal attack from these guys. Although it was hilarious it was also very daunting, he was bordering on either laughing or shitting himself.
“Hey you can attack my man all you want, but my knitting? That’s just taking it too far.” Peter whispered back.
“Excuse me?” Natasha asked and started to stand up. Oh shit.
“I think it’s lovely.” Thor said.
“Thor’s bringing the thunder.” Deadpool said to Peter.
“If I thought my Jane could defend herself I would bring her along too.” Thor explained his position on the issue.
“This is ridiculous. We shouldn’t even be discussing this, this is a non-issue. He’s not coming end of discussion.” Tony ranted.
“Agreed, it’s far too dangerous.” Bruce dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. Peter looked over the bickering Avengers to see Clint and Fury at the end of the desk calmly discussing something. He nudged Deadpool and gestured over at the two scheming with his eyes.
“You know that doesn’t work as well as you think without any irises.” Deadpool said to him.
“Good, now you can’t see when I roll my eyes at you.” Peter said simply.
“If you all would like to stop acting like pre-schoolers and let me get back to my briefing.” Fury announced, bored of the arguing. “Peter, Wade sit down.”
“You have got to be kidding me.” Natasha snapped.
“Oh for fuck’s sake Nat, calm down. Just because you don’t want to hang around him for a few days, doesn’t make him any less qualified to be here than you.” Clint finally said weighing in on the matter. Wade made a point to walk down and sit next to Clint with Peter trailing behind him, there wasn’t another chair so Peter did the logical thing and sat on Wade’s lap. He could practically feel the eyes being rolled at him, he couldn’t help but smile at the feeling.
Fury began his briefing, there was an alien species discovered prowling the sewers of outer suburban New York. This is when Deadpool loudly said “Pretty convenient isn’t it? Gross but convenient.” And in return Steve loudly glared at him. Fury continued that there was reason to believe they were setting up a base and the Avengers and Peter were to check it out in case things turned ugly. A base would be set up and the Avengers were to stake out there, at which point Tony announced that Tony Stark does not do stake outs particularly stake outs that are only two hours away. Fury then retorted with perhaps Stark would rather investigate with Parker and Wilson. Tony was quiet after that.
Essentially Peter and Deadpool’s job was to sneak around in the sewers searching for any evidence for a base. Of course Peter got the shitty job, apparently it was because his abilities would heal any effect the excessive amount of methane gas had on him. Which first of all that’s a lie, he had hung around his Aunt May after Chilli Tuesday and he would never say it to her face but good lord that woman could fart with the best of them. Peter would argue that Clint and Natasha could achieve the same results if they just gave them gas masks, however judging from the scowl on Natasha’s face he wouldn’t risk it.
After the meeting they were told to grab their gear and head to the chopper. Deadpool genuinely squealed in Peter’s ear, loudly. It hurt. As soon as they were told they could leave Deadpool threw Peter off him and ran out the door yelling something about calling shotgun. Peter picked himself up with a sigh, grabbed his duffle bag and walked after him. He saw Steve tut and shake his head at him, rude. Fortunately Deadpool popped his head back in and said excitedly so the whole conference room could hear.
“Hurry up Pookie, I wanna make full use of the cockpit before we go!” He then grabbed Peter’s hand and dragged him off. Fucking take that Steve.
“Ok now this may be the coolest thing to ever happen to me.” Deadpool said once they were out of range at the elevator doors.
“I know! Did you see Bruce’s face when your arm went round my shoulders? Oh my god, I’ve never seen that particular shade of green on him.”
“This isn’t prom, Peter, you don’t get to bring a date.” Wade said in a pitch perfect impersonation of Tony. “Dude’s so salty his girlfriend could be called Pepper. Oh wait.”
“And when I kissed you, ohhhh, the deafening silence. It was like a symphony to my ears.” Peter laughed. “Nice breathless act by the way, really sold them on the whole couple thing.”
“Er sure, I’ll take it.” Deadpool said confused. He quickly got over it though. “So Peter Parker eh?”
“Yep.” Peter said uncomfortably. It’s not like he didn’t want Deadpool knowing who he really was, he just didn’t want Deadpool to see him in the middle of the street as Peter and yell ‘Hey! Spidey!” Which would absolutely happen now.
“The photographer kid?” Deadpool said. Oh shit he knew, Peter was hoping the name would mean nothing to him. He hadn’t been a photographer for years now, he did’t expect anyone to remember his old job of basically taking selfies and aerial shots of New York.
“Scientist now, I’m pretty good.” Peter corrected him.
“At taking pin-up shots of yourself. How did you manage to take those angles?” Deadpool asked. Pin-ups? If Deadpool made a calendar he may actually kill him.
“Wait times, flexibility and blind faith it would take a decent shot.”
“Well Peter Parker, I’m Wade Wilson, mercenary.” Wade held out his hand.
“I already knew that.” Peter said but shook his hand anyway.
“Not all of us are fans of the whole Secret Identity thing, it’s bad for business.” Wade shrugged. “Now hurry we must get to da choppa.” Wade said in a godawful Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. Peter rolled his eyes.
“That’s not even how he said it, it’s more like GET TO DA CHOPPAAA!” Peter yelled. Just as he yelled that he was shoved into by a grumpy tired blonde.
“Look I may be mostly deaf but that is no excuse to yell into a guy’s ear.” Clint grumbled. Wade immediately rolled the mask up over his mouth so it rested just underneath his nose.
“Clint! M’man!” He grinned at him
“I see you’re making friends in there.” Clint smirked.
“Natasha always had a thing for me, now that I’m with Petey the woman’s gone homicidal with jealousy.” Wade retorted. Clint snorted.
“I suppose it’s the same story with the rest of them?”
“Except for Bruce, he has a nerdy science boner for Spidey, wants to run all sorts of weird tests with his sticky web.” Wade joked
“Don’t you ever say that sentence to me ever again.” Clint warned.
“You can picture it though, can’t you?” Wade said as they entered the elevator.
“That’s why I never want you to say it again.” Clint shuddered. There was a silence as Clint surveyed the happy couple. “So you two, huh?”
“Mmm-hmm” Peter hummed.
“Funny I always pictured you with an older woman.” Clint said to Wade then shrugged the thought off. “Didn’t know you were into cradle-snatching.”
“Hey, he must be in his thirties by now!” Wade replied in his defence and then mumbled to himself. “I mean, he’s been around since the sixties, he must have aged at some point.” Peter didn’t want to ask what that meant.
“I’m twenty-eight, actually.”
“Oh my god, I’ve become my father.” Wade murmured in horror.
“How far apart are we? Like five, six years?” Peter guessed.
“Thirteen actually.” Wade corrected him as the elevator doors opened. They left the elevator leaving Peter to spend a few seconds figuring out if he was comfortable fake dating an immortal forty-one year old. Well, he’s come this far, it’d just be cowardly to back out now.
“Oh, well that’s not so bad.” Peter said with a wave of his hand as he caught up with them.
“Really?” Wade said taken aback.
“I mean you act about thirty years younger, what’s the problem?” Peter smirked
“Wow that’s a low blow, Loblaw.”
“You guys didn’t know each other’s ages?” Clint frowned at them. Well shit, caught already. Peter looked at Wade as if to say “uh oh busted.” But Wade had other ideas.
“Why would I? Fuck first and ask questions later. I still think it’s a miracle he even said yes in the first place.” Wade said, who knew he was such a good actor? Even Peter was fooled with how genuine that sounded. In order to truly fool Clint, Peter took Wade’s hand into his.
“Aww babe, I think it’s more of a miracle you even asked.” Peter said in his sappiest voice. Wade tilted his head at him, why is he doing that? Peter is being romantic a head tilt is not warranted in this situation.
“You think I didn’t have the balls to ask?” Wade asked. Oh shit, he’s offended. Time to pull out the big guns, he leaned in close to Wade.
“I mean how did I get so lucky to land a guy like you.” Peter murmured before kissing Wade for the second time that day. If someone had told him a week ago he would be kissing Deadpool and enjoying it, well not enjoying it enjoying the effects it had on other people, he would have laughed them off so hard he could have brought on a hernia. But this was fun, he could see himself doing this more often. Pranking people, not kissing Wade. But if the two intertwined, well Peter wouldn’t complain.
“Ugh gross, dibs not sitting next to you guys.” Clint rolled his eyes and pushed his way through them before climbing into the helicopter.
“Why would I want to sit next to you when I could be sitting next to the pilot?” Wade yelled back.
“I think you may have to kill Fury for that position.” Peter said, Wade narrowed his eyes.
“We’ll see about that.” He said before climbing into the chopper. Peter wasn’t sure if he was joking and, if he was being honest, there was a high chance he wasn’t.
“Please tell me that you’re not going to try to kill Fury.” Peter pleaded. He heard Wade say something that sounded like ‘I’ve done it before’ but Peter didn’t particularly want to hear the explanation of that story. Unfortunately for them the rest of the Avengers decided to show their faces at that moment. “He’s kidding, I’m kidding.” Peter quickly explained to them.
Natasha scoffed at him and went straight into the chopper, Peter had never been frightened by a scoff before. She was followed by the rest of them except for Steve, who placed his hand on Peter’s shoulder. Peter had this sudden feeling he was about to receive The Talk, which was ridiculous he was a grown man he already knew all the information given in The Talk. Also, he absolutely did not want this talk from Steve who had a good twenty years on his Aunt May. It was hard enough hearing the phrase “your testicles will drop” from her, he may not be able to cope if Steve says something along those lines.
“We’re just concerned about this, kid. Deadpool, he’s not a good guy.”
“He’s not a bad guy either.” Peter interrupted.
“He kills people for money, Peter.” Steve said as though he could not believe Peter just defended him like that.
“And you kill them for free, what’s your problem?” Peter said, Steve flinched as he said it, he knew instantly he probably shouldn’t have said that.
“That’s out of line,”
“Is it though?” Peter asked as he shook Steve’s hand off his shoulder. He couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth, as much as he tried to it just kept on going. “Because I feel this whole conversation is out of line. I brought Wade along because I thought he would be useful, not because I am some fucking teenage girl who can’t live without her boyfriend by her side. But because, and I know this may shock you, he is damn good at what he does, I can’t count on one hand the amount of times he has saved my life. And just because you’ve all decided that he’s too annoying to sit at the popular kid table, doesn’t make him any less talented. So why don’t you all get your heads out of your asses and stop acting like he’s a piece of gum that won’t come off your shoe?”
“That’s not the issue we have with him.” Steve said after a pause where he let the steam fully leave Peter’s ears. “We’re concerned about you. We think you’re making a rash decision because of what happened yesterday.” Steve said it as tactfully as he could, however Peter was past the point of tact.
“You think in a day’s time I started dating Wade because you said no to me?” Peter asked deeply offended. However true it was, Peter was still going to be angry about it. “Because my life revolves around you guys, right? Because I couldn’t possibly be a grown adult capable of making my own decisions? Am I still that awkward seventeen year old who fights crime on the weekends to you guys? Because, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m nearly thirty. I don’t need your concern and I don’t need you telling me who I can and can’t date.”
“We’re not saying don’t date him, we’re just worried that he’s not the best thing for you for where you want to end up in life.” Steve reworded his sentence, but honestly he was just digging himself deeper.
“Oh so now Wade’s the Danny to my Sandy is that it?” Peter said haughtily, getting more and more defensive at each comment. Honestly at this point, Steve could say that Deadpool is an alright guy and Peter would counter with ‘only alright?’
“No! Peter, if he was arrested tomorrow they would have enough on him to get him over a dozen life sentences. Where does that put you?” Steve asked
“Well obviously that puts me in a Lifetime Original movie or maybe even a Dr Phil episode. My Gay Mercenary Lover is in Prison for Countless Murders but I Can’t Stop Loving Him.” Peter said in his best Dr Phil impression. Steve looked at him in a disappointed disbelief.
“I’m being serious.” Steve said
“And so am I. I know he’s done a lot of awful things, like really bad things. But I also know he’s paying for it, emotionally and physically. Do you know that he once helped me out on a mission on the one condition that when we were finished I would help him kill himself? He’s not a happy person, Steve, I have no doubt that nothing would make that man happier than an end. So what’s the point of punishing him for it when he’s already doing it himself?” Peter said, that finally shut Steve up. Thank god. With one last look he got into the helicopter.
Wade somehow managed to sit shotgun, Peter didn’t know how he managed it, but what he did know was Fury was sitting next to him instead and Wade was waving excitedly at him from the front of the helicopter. Fury was explaining what Peter should be on the lookout for during his stealth mission. He was describing all sorts of weird alien things, he did say tentacles at one point and Peter was relieved Wade was not in on this conversation. Essentially, they didn’t know what they were looking for. They hadn’t encountered this particular species before so they didn’t know what to expect, Fury basically said expect anything and try to keep calm. Which Peter could do, he’s seen Wade shirtless he knows how to stay calm in the face of the unexpected. Or should he say the chest of the unexpected? No he shouldn’t, now he’s just made it sound like Wade has boobs. Anyway shit’s about to go down.
As they landed, Peter basically had to drag Wade out of the chopper, or “Hubert” as Wade called it. Peter then got a blow by blow about Wade’s time with Hubert finally ending with a bold declaration of “When I die I want to be buried in Hubert.” Peter could practically see the hearts radiate off his eyes. Peter didn’t want to point out that not only would Wade have no access to Hubert in his unlikely death, but also he would probably outlive Hubert.
As Wade was prattling on, Peter got settled into his temporary home. There was a tent for each hero. There was a godawful metal frame portable single bed and a lock box to keep valuables in placed next to it. Peter could hear Tony complain about it from his tent and Peter was on the other side of the oval. Fury had explained that the local school was kind enough to lend them their oval for the week. This whole situation just reminded Peter of his college days, both the uncomfortable cheap bed and the sleeping on the oval. Peter dumped his duffel bag in the lock box and opened his bag up to grab his suit. Wade continued talking about what he would do if he owned Hubert as Peter peeled his mask off his face and wiped the sweat off his face, Wade suddenly stopped talking.
“Are you single? You couldn’t possibly be single.” Wade said after a very long silence.
“I did have Mary Jane for a while there but it didn’t work out.” Peter said casually, by didn’t work out Peter meant they got married and then divorced because of… well it’s a long story but after they divorced Peter didn’t want them to get back together again. What was the point? Some other divine force was just going to tear them apart again, and to top that off Mary Jane told him that maybe if he stopped being Spiderman they wouldn’t have to go through those sorts of ordeals. Which opened a whole new can of worms and once they did that it was hard to go back to how they were.
“Are you saying you had a relationship with marijuana or with the ‘you just hit the jackpot tiger’ woman?” Wade asked.
“The second one,” Peter didn’t want to question how he knew that about her. He pulled his sweater off and went to pull off his pants.
“Woah there, if you wanted me to leave just say so, gosh Petey.” Wade said in a mock exasperation. Peter tilted his head at him.
“Why would I want you to leave?”
“Because you’re getting changed?” Wade asked as though he was crazy for thinking privacy was a thing. Peter took his pants off as well.
“Don’t get shy about my naked body now, Boyfriend.” Peter joked. Wade surprisingly didn’t have a retort for that, in fact he was oddly silent while Peter put his dirty clothes away in his bag. It was when he bent over to put on his Spiderman Pants Wade suddenly piped up.
“Ok I’m leaving now, I’m going to see if they have any cool tech for us, ok see ya.” Wade said in a hurried frenzy before quickly leaving the tent.
Weird, who knew Wade was a bit of a prude? Peter had always imagined Wade to be a real kinky type. Like fucking in public places, nails scratching down his back, cum on his face, using Peter’s web to tie him to the bedposts so Peter could do whatever the fuck he wanted. That kind of thing. Weird, huh? Peter was almost disappointed at the discovery.
He finished getting dressed and put his mask back on. He walked out of the tent and over to camp HQ to find out where Wade had gotten to. He didn’t have to walk far as Wade was being held up by his neck by Natasha. Oh boy, Peter didn’t want to come between those two but his moral obligations were telling him to quickly jump in there before someone got hurt. As he walked over to them, no use breaking a sweat over an immortal being, he stopped as he overheard what they were saying.
“First of all, you dare fuck up this mission by doing some dumbshit kinky hijinks and I will be on your ass so fast it’ll be like I was always there.” Natasha hissed at him.
“Is that supposed to be a threat because I wouldn’t mind you on my a-“ Wade was stopped by Natasha tightening her grip on his neck.
“Secondly, Peter is a good kid, bright, promising future all that jazz. You don’t deserve him. Don’t fucking sabotage this like you’ve sabotaged everything else in your life and fuck his life up too. Or I will rip your heart out of your chest as many times as it takes for you to get the point that you’re a useless waste of space.” Natasha threw him on the ground. “Nice chatting.” She said in a calm relaxed tone before walking away as though nothing had happened. Peter hurried over to Wade and crouched beside him. Wade had rolled over to his stomach in a pose that suggested he was perfectly happy to stay lying on the lawn never to get up.
“Hey are you ok? She can be fucking terrifying when she’s mad.” Peter said to Wade who simply groaned in response. Peter started absent-mindedly stroking Wade’s back in a comforting gesture. “Don’t take on board anything she just said, she’s a master manipulator. She’s just trying to say things that’ll hurt to get her point across, she doesn’t mean any of it.”
“This prank isn’t so much a prank anymore. It’s moved into farce territory, we’re going in too deep.” Wade said shell-shocked.
“What do you mean?” Peter asked, Wade sounded genuinely panicked. Which Peter had never heard from him before, it was kind of strange to hear.
“We can’t hit abort anymore. This is it, we’re going to die because we’ll fake break up a couple of weeks from now and Natasha and Steve and Bruce and Tony are going to come to my house and cut me into tiny pieces for hurting their precious Peter.”
“Why would I die in that scenario?” Peter frowned.
“Because after they cut me into tiny pieces I’m going to come to your house and strangle the life out of you. I hope your healing skills are as good as mine because you’ll be needing them.” Wade said, it wasn’t a real threat, not really.
“Wade-“ Peter said in a hopefully calming voice. Wade just talked straight over the top of him though.
“I didn’t realise the entire Avengers squad sees you as their adopted son, I would never had done this if I knew. I thought this was an office prank kind of thing but this- its game over man. Game over. She had a go at me, Ironing board has been glaring at me all day, even Clint pulled me aside and said ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ Clint!” Wade said sounding deeply betrayed.
“Yeah, I had to defend you pretty hard earlier, Steve was just ripping into you.” Peter said sounding equally betrayed.
“Did you?” Wade said surprised. Peter didn’t know why he sounded surprised, Peter had a habit of defending the little guy, and in fact he made a career of it.
“Yeah, I had to tell him how talented you are, how you’re constantly beating yourself up about everything you’ve ever done. He even pulled out the ‘He could get arrested at any moment and he would rot in prison’ card and you know what I said.” Peter said, Wade rolled over onto his back and looked at Peter.
“What?”
“I said they could make a Lifetime movie out of it.” Peter smiled, not that Wade could see through the mask, but he liked to think the intention was there.
“My Prison Bitch.” Wade laughed.
“Exactly.” Peter laughed along with him, there was silence as they looked at each other.
“Well, we’re boned.” Wade said as though he was resigned to the fact. Peter nodded.
“Yeah we did not think this through.”
“Do I ever?” Wade said before standing up. “Right let’s head on down and see if we can survive the rest of the day.”
“I’ll give it a go but I make no promises.” Peter followed suit as they walked down to HQ.
They arrived to see a group of agents preparing to give yet another briefing, how many of these things would they have to sit through exactly? Peter had his fill at one, he was pretty sure Wade stopped listening to last one about halfway through. Clint arrived not long after Peter and Wade did. He greeted Peter with a slap on the back and said
“Are you ready for the health and safety legal briefing of a lifetime? I hear they brought in the extra long one just for you guys.” Clint said with an unusual cheeriness. Peter put his head in his hands and let out a long-suffering groan while Wade said something about this not being in the comics.
Clint was not kidding when he said extra long, the briefing went well into the night. A solid ninety percent of it was various agents looking Wade in the eye and saying do not do this, do not do that and under no circumstances will you ever do this. The other Avengers started going in listing various things that tick them off about Wade. This would have been a lot shorter if Wade didn’t spend the entire time arguing with every single point made. At first Peter agreed with him, even defended him, but after a while he gave up and fell asleep in his chair. Look it was a long meeting you would do the same. He woke up to find himself drooling on Wade’s shoulder, the meeting was still going somehow. He asked Wade about how long he was out and Wade replied about two hours. Peter came to the conclusion he was trapped in hell, only way he could explain why this was still going. They ended the meeting with a round of paperwork for them all to sign, which was honestly unnecessary, and Wade’s was a good twenty pages longer than the rest of them.
So after that shitshow, they all walked drearily back to their respective tents. Peter was a solid ten seconds from just passing out because the level of boredom he was at was exhausting. As they entered the tent, Peter immediately collapsed on the bed and ripped his mask off. He nestled into the pillow and started to doze off. But then he noticed Wade was standing awkwardly.
“Do you not sleep?” Peter mumbled at him.
“Well no I just,” Wade rubbed the back of his neck. “There’s only one bed.”
“So? Get in.” Peter pulled the covers back and patted the bed. Wade took his weapons off his back and legs and cautiously climbed in. It was an extremely tight fit, no single bed had ever been built with two men in mind, one lanky and awkward sized and the other bulky and muscular. The only way they were both going to fit is if they slept on their sides cramped against each other.
“You know most people take me out to dinner first before putting me in this position.” Wade joked clearly uneasy. Peter glanced at Wade, who, and Peter wasn’t a huge fan of this, was the big spoon in this arrangement.
“Do you sleep with the mask on?” Peter asked. “That must be uncomfortable.”
“Not as uncomfortable as this bed.” Wade continued to joke.
“You can take it off if you want,” Peter said casually, in an attempt to make Wade feel more at home. There was a long pause.
“I’d really rather not.” Wade said not comfortable at all, which was the complete opposite of what Peter was going for.
“Oh.” Was all Peter had to say, well shit.