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You told yourself you were going to stop a month ago.
Then, you told yourself that another week wouldn't hurt. After all, you'd already been doing it for years. What was one more week?
One week turned into two, and two into four. Before you knew it, the summer months had snuck up on you, and you were fully unprepared for the blaring heat. It was another summer where you were stuck wearing long sleeves and simply watching as the others enjoyed themselves in the cool water of the beach.
You had been invited to join in a few times, but you mustered up cheap excuses to avoid the awkwardness of exposing your fresh cuts to the entire Xianzhou while wearing a bathing suit. You had a reputation to uphold; even if you stayed clean for the full year, you would never risk showing anyone your scars—no matter how old.
That's why it was such a surprise when you noticed Jing Yuan, of all people, casting suspiciously long glances in your direction. At first, you thought there was something wrong with the way you looked—was there leftover food on your face? But you soon realized it probably had something to do with the fact you were the only one wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer. Repeatedly and consistently, as well.
You shuffled nervously under his gaze but pretended not to notice him staring at you throughout the entire gathering.
After making small talk with some of your colleagues and sharing a few drinks, you were glad to see the crowd of people that had gathered begin to disperse, signaling that it was time to leave.
Grabbing the small bag you had taken with you, you began to make your way towards the exit, not noticing the pair of footsteps that followed behind you. Once you were out of sight from the party, you let out a long sigh and relaxed your shoulders, trying to re-energize after using up your social battery.
"Long day?"
You jumped at a voice behind you, spinning around to see Jing Yuan gazing at you intently.
"Oh, um- yeah, yeah I guess you could say that..." You trailed off, your voice tinged with your earlier shock of discovering him behind you.
Jing Yuan matched your pace, walking beside you as you made your way back to your apartment. You felt yourself become more self-conscious and fidgety as time went on, the general turning his eyes towards you.
"It's quite hot outside, no?" He asked as if to make small talk with you on your journey home.
"Um, yeah, yeah I guess it is." It was quiet for another couple of seconds before Jing Yuan spoke up again.
"You wear hoodies a lot, even in this heat."
You froze for a moment, trying to think up an excuse. "Mm? I just wear them whenever I'm feeling lazy."
"You must feel lazy a lot."
"...Yeah, I guess I do."
You could feel yourself growing more tense by the second, walking a little bit faster to reach your apartment, and bid the situation you found yourself in goodbye quicker.
"Well um, it was nice talking to you, but, uh, I have to go now." You spoke quickly as you reached your apartment building, waving goodbye and turning around to enter the building.
"Wait." Jing Yuan grabbed your shoulder softly, forcing you to pause.
You let out a noise of surprise, glancing up at the older man like a deer caught in headlights.
"Let me walk you to your apartment?" Jing Yuan offered, smiling gently at you.
"Oh, um, okay," You said slowly, still recovering from your surprise.
You allowed Jing Yuan space to walk beside you, walking up the stairs to reach the floor you were settled on.
"This is it," You motioned to a smaller apartment, the door slightly worn and weathered from age. You moved to open the door and finally bid the general goodbye before you were stopped by the latter's hand on your door, preventing it from closing. His gaze had darkened a little, an unfamiliar expression lacing his face. You were about to question him before you were cut off by him saying your name, his tone dead serious. "Show me your arms."
You froze, your brain not comprehending his demand. "What?" You tried to back away slowly into the embrace of your apartment, but Jing Yuan didn't allow you to, stepping into the apartment alongside you and closing the door behind him. He said your name again, this time softer and more gently, almost as if he was afraid of scaring you off. "Show me your arms, please."
You shook your head, alarmed at the direction this conversation was heading. "No. Get out." You spoke sternly, motioning to the door behind Jing Yuan.
Jing Yuan shook his head, sighing. "I'm sorry," He spoke quietly, muttering your name at the end of his sentence. You were about to ask him what he meant, but you were cut off by him grasping your shoulders, spinning you around so your back was trapped against his chest, his arms caging you.
"What- what are you doing? Get off!" You cried as you writhed in his grip, trying to squirm away from him. Jing Yuan ignored you, easily preventing your attempts to escape with his strength; though he still made sure to be as gentle as possible. He reached for one of your arms, holding it firmly in his grasp as he softly rolled up the sleeve, being careful to keep you steady and avoid accidentally moving too fast. You struggled against him, trying to wrench your arm from his entrapment before he found out the disgusting marks that lay underneath.
"Stop! Stop, stop, stop," You were sobbing at this point, repeating the same phrase over and over as you realized your struggle was to no avail. Jing Yuan ignored you again, not stopping until your sleeve had been rolled up all the way, exposing various scars and cuts to his eyes. Many of the scars were old, white, raised scars that littered your entire forearm, while others were more recent; some as fresh as yesterday. You had completely stilled at this point, sobbing and sniffling loudly, bracing yourself for the beratement you were sure to receive from the general.
The harsh words never came; instead, you felt Jing Yuan gently hold you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear. He whispered your name softly into your ear, beginning to guide you towards your bedroom. "Let's get you somewhere comfortable."
You could barely think straight, tears clouding your vision as you allowed Jing Yuan to lead you to your room and lay you down on your bed carefully like you were a fragile piece of glass that might break if he was too rough. You felt him gently slide his hands up your hoodie, making sure you had something to wear underneath before slipping your hoodie off of you and revealing the brutal condition of your arms.
He whispered your name again, brushing a strand of hair from your face, "Look at me."
You ignored him, ashamed of the way your face appeared while crying; puffy red eyes, swollen cheeks, all stained with mascara. Jing Yuan didn't allow you to bury your face away from him, lightly grasping your chin and guiding you to face him. You hesitantly looked at him and almost began to cry even harder, his eyes looking at you so kindly, so gently, like he wanted to patch you up and hold you forever.
Jing Yuan made sure your eyes were trained on him as he lifted one of your arms, pausing and guiding your eyes back to him when you tried to look away. He grasped your arm softly, moving his face to your skin and pressing a gentle kiss to each of your scars. He made sure you watched the entire time, making sure to kiss every single mark on your arm, kissing the skin beside the ones that were too fresh to be disturbed. When he was finished with your right arm he moved on to your left, repeating the entire process as you watched, tears falling down your cheeks.
You moved your arm to wipe away your tears when he had finished, maybe even to shield your eyes from looking at his gentler ones, but he stopped you, moving your arm away from your face. Instead, he placed his lips to your tears, kissing each one away until you couldn't feel a single teardrop on your face.
"Why?" You croaked out when he was done, straining to use your voice.
Jing Yuan brushed your hair from your face, moving his face away from yours to get a better look at you. "I love you," He began, speaking your name softly as he continued, "I noticed something was wrong a month ago, but I didn't want to act without being certain. That's why I was late to the get-together. I found razors in your room."
You looked at him with wide eyes, surprised. "You went through my room?!"
Jing Yuan nodded, stroking the top of your head softly. "I had to, I'm sorry."
You started crying again, hitting Jing Yuan's shoulders as hard as you could, beginning to yell at him. Jing Yuan didn't say anything, not even flinching from your assault.
"You jerk!" You cried out, sobbing even harder than you were before. When you had calmed down a little, Jing Yuan moved to kiss your temple, remaining gentle with you despite you wanting nothing to do with him. He stayed with you for a couple of minutes, giving you time to calm down.
"Stay here." Jing Yuan told you kindly when he noticed that you had completely stilled, getting up and leaving the room swiftly. You didn't listen to him, your mind focused on one thing only. You rushed to where you had your razors hidden, a pang running through your chest as you couldn't find them. He had taken them.
You heard a faucet run and water being turned on in another room, but you ignored it, your brain was trained on how you were going to get your razors back. You were so focused you failed to hear Jing Yuan re-enter the room behind you, only noticing him when he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you from behind.
"Where are they." Your question came out as a sentence, your anger directed solely at Jing Yuan.
"I took them."
"Where did you put them."
Jing Yuan shrugged, and you spun around to slap him across the face, although you knew that he would barely feel it; he was too experienced in battle to let a small slap hurt him. He caught your hand before you could slap him again, still treating you as if you were the most fragile thing in the world. He didn't say anything, instead setting your hand back down to your side and attempting to guide you out of the room. You followed him, still upset at losing your most prized possession.
He led you to your bathroom, the bathtub full of warm water, various soaps lined up along the edge of the tub. You soon realized he had set it up for you, and began to blush profusely at the implication of having to undress in front of him, forgetting about your earlier anger.
"Um..." You shyly looked away, not moving to remove your clothing. Jing Yuan felt his heart throb at how vulnerable you looked and quickly realized the reason for your shyness.
He moved closer to you, prying your arms away from your chest. "Don't be shy," he murmured, pressing a swift kiss to your lips, "It's just me. There's nothing to be shy about." Jing Yuan moved his hands to remove your clothing himself, moving slowly so you had plenty of time to stop him if you wanted. Your face heated a bright red as he removed your tank top and bra, allowing both to slide to the floor.
You wanted to cover yourself up with your hands, but Jing Yuan prevented you from doing so, pressing another chaste kiss to your collarbone. He slowly moved down to remove your bottoms, only stopping once you were completely bare and vulnerable in front of him. You were gorgeous in his eyes. He scanned every inch of you, moving his thumb along your stomach as he held your hip. He breathed out, realizing he had been staring for too long as he cleared his throat. The way you pressed your legs together as if it would help cover you was intoxicating to him, and it took all his strength to look away.
"You're beautiful." He whispered in your ear, helping you into the bathtub.
You immediately relaxed as the warm water lapped at your skin, enveloping you. Your face was dusted pink at his comment, still looking away. Jing Yuan smiled, admiring you for another moment before he began to lather some of the shampoo in his hands, reaching up to gently caress your scalp. You melted like jelly under his touch, sighing in relaxation. You felt at peace.
Once he was satisfied with his work, he moved to rinse the shampoo out, making sure to shield your eyes from getting any water in them. He then turned to where he had set the conditioner, repeating the process. Instead of immediately washing out the conditioner, however, he left it in to set for a bit as he chose a soap.
The scent of lemon wavered towards you as Jing Yuan began to wash your back with a soft washcloth, his touch doing wonders. You allowed him to continue his work, becoming a bit shy and glancing away—but not stopping him—as he moved to wash your chest. Jing Yuan admired the way you became so shy at the slightest touch. He was broken out of his trance when you laughed softly, moving a hand up to stifle the sound.
He looked down, realizing he had been gently gliding the washcloth over your stomach, a smile forming on his lips. You must be ticklish.
"Shh, I'm almost done..." Jing Yuan spoke softly as you began to laugh again at his touch.
Once Jing Yuan had finished washing you, he carefully rinsed the conditioner out of your hair, once again careful to protect your eyes from the water.
"Stay here for a moment, okay?" Jing Yuan pressed a kiss to your temple and stood up, leaving to fetch a towel for you. You hugged your knees to your chest, shivering a little as you realized the water had become cold from how long you had been in it.
When Jing Yuan returned, he helped you up and wrapped you in a soft, blue towel. You shivered into the towel, the cold air feeling unpleasant against your wet skin.
You followed Jing Yuan back to your room, protesting when he set you down in your bed instead of letting you find something to wear.
"Shh, I'll find you something, let me treat you."
You nodded shyly, snuggling into the towel further. Jing Yuan's heart skipped a beat at the scene. It took all of his restraint to not fuck you into the bedsheets until you never felt shy about your body ever again. His restraint snapped as you looked up at him with wide, vulnerable eyes.
He needed to touch you, badly.
You looked at him with confusion as he stepped over to join you instead of leaving to find your fresh clothes, eyes widening slightly when he lay above you, cupping your face in his hands.
"Has anyone ever told you how adorable you are?" Jing Yuan muttered against your lips before softly kissing you, passionately drinking in the way your hands found his shoulders.
You didn't have time to respond as he bit your bottom lip, sliding his tongue into your mouth as you moaned quietly. His hands travelled down to grasp at your towel, breaking the kiss to ask, "Is this okay?"
You paused, shaking a little. "Wait!" You spoke quickly, not looking at Jing Yuan. He stilled his movements, ready to stop if you asked him to.
"I've never um..." You trailed off, your face bright red and still refusing to meet his eyes. "I've never done anything uh...like this..."
Oh.
Jing Yuan almost moaned just from hearing those words leave your mouth. He smiled, leaning back down to give you a small kiss of reassurance.
"Don't worry," He purred, nibbling at your ear, "I'll be gentle."
He delicately removed the towel from you, leaving you completely exposed beneath him. His eyes trailed over your entire body, taking in every small crevice and detail of your body. You shrank under his gaze, immediately becoming self-conscious as his eyes raked your body. You pressed your legs together, embarrassed as his eyes travelled downwards.
"Don't be shy," Jing Yuan purred, prying your legs apart softly, "I thought I told you that already."
His mouth pressed kisses along your stomach, trailing downwards until his tongue met your clit, drawing a moan from you as your legs shut around his head, hands finding hold in his hair. "Ah- Jing Yuan-" You breathed out as his tongue began to lap at you, moving in all the right places. It was almost like he knew exactly where to touch you.
You writhed underneath him, pleasure engulfing you as you tried to stifle your moans. It was embarrassing how loud you were at the simplest of touches, showcasing your obvious inexperience.
Jing Yuan stilled his movements, drawing a loud whine from you. "Don't do that." He reached for your arm, moving your hand away from your mouth, "I want to hear exactly what you sound like while I fuck you."
Your face heated up from his direct wording, not being able to stifle your moan in time as he resumed licking your clit, slowly trailing one of his hands to your entrance, making sure to wet it with your slick before pressing it into you. It felt a little uncomfortable at first, but pleasure soon exploded in your stomach as Jing Yuan began to finger you, continuing to eat out your clit while doing so.
"Oh my God," You moaned, hands digging into Jing Yuan's scalp. You would have felt bad for gripping him so tight if you could think of anything else other than Jing Yuan's finger moving in and out of you.
After a few moments, Jing Yuan added another finger, carefully scissoring you open. You'd never felt this good before. Stars of pleasure exploded in your vision as your thighs clenched tighter around Jing Yuan, coming undone with a pleasured cry.
Jing Yuan worked you through your orgasm, lapping your juices clean.
"You taste so good," He whispered, and suddenly you felt embarrassed that you had come on him without even warning him. You went to apologize but were immediately cut off as you felt a pang of overstimulation consume you, a third finger of Jing Yuan's working you open.
You let out a whimper of discomfort, and Jing Yuan shushed you, his face leaving your clit to suckle at your neck. "Shh, it'll feel good in a moment,"
You nodded, tears welling up in the corner of your eyes, threatening to spill over.
He was right.
After Jing Yuan had finished leaving a deep bite mark on your neck, you felt another wave of pleasure hit you. You felt so full, and Jing Yuan hadn't even entered you yet. After another moment of fingering you open, Jing Yuan removed himself from you, earning a whine. He chuckled at how impatient you were.
"Almost there, sweetheart," He cooed in your ear, "Be a good girl and be patient for me, okay?"
He noticed how you clenched around nothing at his words, smiling to himself at his discovery.
Working swiftly to undo his belt, it didn't take long for Jing Yuan to strip down to his boxers, making sure to keep you satisfied with some attention by peppering you with more kisses the whole time.
You froze as Jing Yuan removed his boxers, suddenly becoming nervous. You'd felt so full with only three of his fingers inside you, how the hell were you supposed to fit his entire length?
Jing Yuan noticed your worries, once again shushing you.
"It's okay," He reassured you, "We can take it as slow as you want."
You nodded, allowing yourself to be convinced by his reassurances. He lined himself up with you, slowly pressing into your entrance. You squeaked in discomfort; you felt full, too full, and he wasn't even halfway in.
"You're doing so good," Jing Yuan purred, "You're so good for me."
You calmed down, allowing Jing Yuan to slide himself all the way in. He stilled, allowing you time to adjust. Tears fell down your cheeks, the stretch uncomfortable enough to make you cry.
Jing Yuan diligently kissed away each tear as it fell, muttering reassurances to you the entire time. It took a while for you to feel comfortable enough for him to move, but Jing Yuan didn't complain; your comfort was his first priority.
He moved slowly at first, testing the waters, making sure he wasn't hurting you. The pain soon merged into pleasure, and suddenly you couldn't stop yourself from repeatedly moaning Jing Yuan's name, digging your nails into his back.
Jing Yuan smirked, kissing hickeys onto your neck as he thrust inside you, searching for the one spot that would make you see stars. He knew immediately when he found it. You cried out, your nails raking into his back without a care. "Oh my God- Jing Yuan- right there, please-!"
He grinned, thrusting as deep as he could into that spot. Before you knew it, you were clenching around him, your hands grasping at his long hair as you came for a second time that night. Just like the first time, Jing Yuan helped you through your orgasm, carefully thrusting into you as your juices leaked around his cock.
When you had come down from your high, Jing Yuan moved to pull out of you, surprised when you stopped him.
"What about- hah, what about you?" You breathed out, still catching your breath. He still hadn't come.
"Don't worry about me," Jing Yuan kissed you again, "Tonight is supposed to be about you."
You shook your head, embarrassed. "No." You said, holding him in place, "Cum inside me. Please."
He almost came from that sentence alone.
"Hah, fuck-" He moaned into your ear, sinking back inside of your still-dripping cunt. You were extremely overstimulated, and your body screamed at you to stop, but you couldn't help it as you thrust your hips into Jing Yuan, pressing him deeper inside you. It only took a few more thrusts until you felt him bury himself inside of you, coming undone.
He panted next to your ear, catching his breath for a few moments, until he slipped out of you, some of his semen spilling out with him.
"You're so good," He murmured against your lips as he moved to kiss you one last time, and you swore you could still taste yourself on his tongue.
"Mmpfh-!!" You squeaked into the kiss as you felt Jing Yuan's fingers slip inside you again, pushing some of his semen back into you.
You pulled back and glared at him flusteredly as he smirked, kissing your temple.
"I'll be back, stay here." He spoke gently, getting up from on top of you. You nodded, watching him leave the room.
Suddenly, the events of what had happened hit you like a truck, and you scrambled to pull the discarded towel back over yourself, covering up the evidence.
You just fucked Jing Yuan.
The Jing Yuan.
You buried your head into your knees as you sat up, face turning bright red.
"You okay there, sweetheart?" Jing Yuan cupped your face, unburying it from your knees. He must've returned already.
You nodded, face still flushed. He chuckled. You noticed he brought a damp washcloth back with him, and he quickly nudged you to lay back down, cleaning up the mess you two had made. You looked away as he wiped his semen off of your inner thighs, embarrassed at being this exposed to him.
"I just fucked you and you're still embarrassed?" Jing Yuan teased you, moving your head to look at him, "Might have to do this a few more times, then." He noted, your face heating up even more at the implication.
Once he was done cleaning you up, he softly laid you back down, wrapping you into a blanket as he cuddled next to you, making sure to turn off the bedside lamp.
"Get some sleep," You heard him mutter your name as you faded out of consciousness, completely drained of energy.
You slept better than you had in years that night.
You woke up alone the next morning. Your cuts were freshly bandaged, and you noticed your room had been cleaned a little.
You looked around, confused at where Jing Yuan had gone before your heart dropped.
Had he just used you? Pretended he had cared so he could fuck you?
You began to tear up, the reality setting in as you cried softly to yourself, curling into a small ball.
While you were crying, you heard your name being called and looked up to see Jing Yuan slipping back into the room, worriedly looking over you.
"What happened? What's wrong?"
You reached out to hold him, sobbing into his chest.
"I thought-" You sniffed, your tears making it hard to form a sentence, "I thought you left me."
Jing Yuan's heart broke at your confession, and he pet your head softly, "Oh no, no," He cooed, "I'm not going to leave you. Ever."
You nodded, trying to calm yourself down. Jing Yuan was here. Everything was okay.
Jing Yuan spoke gently, helping you get up, "Let's get something to eat, okay?" You nodded, accepting his help as he helped you get into fresh clothes.
"Ah- um...Yuan..." You hesitated as Jing Yuan made his way to the door. He turned around, facing you with confusion.
"Um..." You looked down at the sleeves of the shirt he had picked out for you. It was a T-shirt, a cute one, but it left your bandaged arms exposed. What would people think of you if you were to walk around like this?
Jing Yuan immediately realized what you were referring to, and he leaned over to kiss you. "It's hot outside. Nobody is going to judge you for wearing short sleeves."
"But-"
Jing Yuan clicked his tongue, "No. You're not going to feel bad for existing."
He didn't let you complain as he helped you outside, leading you towards a small diner next to his office. You huddled behind him, trying to hide your arms as best you could.
The diner was warm inside, and it made you almost thankful that Jing Yuan had picked out short sleeves for you.
"Table for two, please." Jing Yuan smiled, speaking confidently to the waitress. You wondered how Jing Yuan was capable of being so self-assured all the time.
As you two made your way to the table, you swore you could feel eyes on you.
"Relax." Jing Yuan helped you sit down, caressing your shoulder lovingly. "You're okay, I've got you."
You nodded, trying to focus on the menu in front of you.
Oh shit.
How were you going to skip breakfast with Jing Yuan next to you? You were supposed to fast this week; you had binged last week, and if you didn't make up for it you knew you were going to undo all the hard work you put into losing weight. You heard Jing Yuan call your name, snapping your attention to him.
"Stay with me." His voice was gentle, "Don't space out on me."
You nodded, fidgeting with your fingers under the table.
The waitress came back after a few minutes, questioning the both of you on your breakfast choices. Jing Yuan let you order first.
"I'll just have, a um..." You scanned the menu, choosing your favourite drink. You didn't choose anything to eat. The waitress nodded, turning her gaze to Jing Yuan as he ordered.
You looked away quickly as you heard him order your favourite breakfast food. Oh God, now you were going to have to try and starve while sitting directly next to your favourite food. You shook your head. You deserved it for eating so much last week.
Jing Yuan continued to make small talk with you, discussing insignificant things like the weather, or the new flock of birds he fed every morning until the food arrived. You weren’t focused on his words.
You quickly looked away as you noticed the food being set down in front of your companion, trying to focus on the drink you ordered.
Don't eat; you repeated over and over in your head, trying to ignore everything else.
That is until you noticed the plate of food sitting in your spot, and Jing Yuan looking at you lovingly.
"Huh?" You looked at him in confusion.
"Eat," Jing Yuan spoke your name gently, encouraging you to eat something.
"Oh- um, I ate a lot yesterday at the party." You lied, looking away from him. Jing Yuan turned your face towards him again,
"You're a bad liar."
You stared at him in shock, eyes snapping back to his.
"Don't think I didn't notice," He began moving his thumb gently across your cheek in a reassuring pattern, "You throw out every meal that's given to you, and you've been getting thinner recently."
You looked away again, ashamed.
"Don't be ashamed," Jing Yuan said your name again, moving the food closer to you, "You have nothing to be ashamed of."
He lifted a fork full of food, moving it towards your lips. You shook your head, sealing your lips shut. Jing Yuan sighed, moving the fork a little closer. "Please,"
You opened your mouth a little. A little food wouldn't hurt, right? It smelled so good, and you were so hungry. Just a little wouldn't mess anything up.
You should've known better.
It wasn't long before you had finished the whole plate, Jing Yuan making sure you swallowed every last bit.
You were ashamed of yourself. Jing Yuan noticed as you began to walk back home with him after he finished paying the bill. He didn't say anything, allowing you to have some time with your thoughts.
Once you reached your apartment, however, he noticed you beginning to cry, salty hot tears running down your face.
"Oh, sweetheart," Jing Yuan wiped your tears away.
"I'm so disgusting," You cried into his chest, "Why did you choose someone like me?"
Jing Yuan lets you vent out your frustrations to him, rubbing your back the entire time.
"You're not disgusting." Jing Yuan held you tightly, "I wish you could see yourself the way I do," He moved your hands away from your face, kissing you.
You allowed yourself to be peppered with kisses, Jing Yuan scooping you into his arms and gently carrying you to the sofa to cuddle and reassure you.
As the next few days passed, Jing Yuan made sure to keep a careful watch over you, preventing you from relapsing into old habits. Some days you wanted to strangle him, upset at your only outlet being taken away so abruptly, but some days you were eternally thankful that you had someone like him by your side.
It was going to be a long journey to recovery; both of you realized that.
But he didn't mind as long as he knew it would be with you.