Chapter Text
Chapter one–
A clean slate (or page, rather.)
JARVIS JOURNAL POV:
My name is Jarvis Cocker... and I guess you could say… It’s a little bit 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂. It all started when my mum, Margret Thatcher, and my dad, Christopher Cocker sent me to a new school; Britpop Academy.
“Mum, Dad, I don’t want to go to private school, I want to go to a grotty pubic school and be one of the boys!!!”
Public*
“But you must learn how to make good British music and meet lots of women,” says my annoying dad who knows nothing about my edgy life.
“Ugh, girls are so much drama dad, I'm one of the boys.” I murmur.
*sigh* I guess you can tell, I’m kinda a tomboy… I’m just so shy and introverted! Teehee! I want to live like common people I guess… and do whatever common people do. Ergh… I’m so quirky.
Oh Well, wish me luck at “Britpop Academy”… I’m a little bit nervous! Hehe…
Current Time– Jarvis Cocker’s perspective.
Jarvis got out of his family car and said goodbye to his parents, taking his three cases of luggage and walking through the school gates. They were kind of rickety, and smelled of radiators and dead mice. Jarvis pulled his nose away from the metal, and continued to walk through the school gates.
The building was very square, and it looked as grotty as a public school. Hooray for Jarvis.
Windows were scattered in orderly rows along the high brick walls. This had to be home for Jarvis, and he didn’t want it to be. Walking through the grimy doors, Jarvis’s green-grey orbs fell upon a squat, decomposing man with a mop of unruly black hair. His eyes were smeared with what seemed to be tar, and death.
“Hello” He snarled. The man's voice sounded just like heaven! WOw!
“I need to find my way to principal Morrisseys’ office, please.”
“I’m Robert Smith.”
“Oh… Okay.”
“Yeah.”
“So…?”
“This way.”
The man walked into a shadow and completely disappeared. He was never seen again.
“That doesn’t help,” Jarvis grumbled. “I'll just sniff him out.”
Jarvis used his nose powers to sniff out the smell of vegan cheese and tofu. He passed a couple of rooms, each bearing unusual looking figures. Some young men with big eyebrows, a little boy in a cardigan, someone with perfectly symmetrical eyes. Eventually, Jarvis finally found the door he was looking for.
‘Principle Morrissey’
Jarvis opened the creakydoor and gasped.
A bequiffed man was sucking crazy face with a certified baddie, who seemed to have a guitar surgically attached to him.
They broke apart abruptly when they noticed Jarvis standing in the doorway. The boy with the guitar looked Jarvis up and down.
“Are those inside out lapels you’re wearing? What’s the width of your pants?”
Jarvis immediately was put on edge. This bitch was trying to out-diva him. Nuh uh.
“This is vintage Biba, bitch. Who are you and why were you pashing that old man?”
“I’m Johnny, Johnny Marr. I’m the best guitarist in this goddamn school, and I’m totally legal by the way. I got held back a few years, I got into a tricky situation with my friend Andy. Let’s just say we play with instruments now, not needles.”
Jarvis blinked. It seemed he really was with the common people now.
Principle Morrisey straightened his tie. “Thank you Johnny, that will be all.”
Johnny Marr brushed past Jarvis as he exited the room, throwing a wink at Principle Morrissey before saying, “You know, I’m kind of a guitarist for hire these days if you’re looking for one.”
Jarvis made a mental note. However, he could not have another person on stage looking as cunty as him. He’d have to find someone else.
“Sit down, Jarvis, I need to walk you through how things work at this school.”
Jarvis gulped and sat down.
“You’ll be sharing a dorm room with Justine Frischmann. Yes, she’s a girl but you look kinda gay so I think it’ll be fine. Plus she’s dating the ultra baddie Damon Albarn so she won’t be interested in a skinny git like you. She would never cheat on that man, and he would never cheat on her either. On God.”
Jarvis was disturbed by how intimately Principle Morrissey seemed to be involved with his student’s private lives. He was especially disturbed by how intimately Principle Morrissey’s tongue seemed to know the back of Johnny Marr’s throat. Also he was NOT gay why did people keep saying that???
“Also, we have strict policies on dietary requirements. Here at Britpop Academy we do NOT eat our friends. No milk, honey, eggs, and any other animal produce will be consumed within our school premises. How would you like it if you were farmed? Meat IS murder.”
Okay. Who is this crazy big headed bitch on the right and why does he have the craziest attitude. He was grasping onto JM like he was gonna be snatched!!! Girl, A LATE!”
“Sir, I understand veganism,” Jarvis said cooly “But don’t you think that the kids are gonna get scurvy?!”
No wonder Johnny Marr was so skinny. Jarvis would fit right in with all the malnourished children.
“Scurvy is a theory, right next to how the world is round. And don’t even get me started on chinese-”
“OKAYYY DAMN QUEEN” Interrupted Jarvis. “Don’t say something that could offend millions of people and get you cancelled for the rest of your career and then potentially make Johnny Marr break up with you! And keep your shirt on for Christ's sake!”
Morrissey blinked back a tear. Cocker's truthful words had obviously struck a tender part of Morriseys heart.
“Okay Cocker that’s enough. Go to your room. It's on floor q97409.”
Feeling like his visiting hours were over, Jarvis excused himself before Morrissey said something even more tragic.
TIMESKIP— JARVIS IS FINALLY AT HIS DORM.
“AGHAHAHAAAPAPAHAKA” Jarvvis gasped, after climbing q97409 flights of stairs. “I think I have a little tiny stitch, must be all those cigarettes!”
The door in front of him was wooden. It smelled like wood. It tasted like wood. It felt like wood. It must be wood. He opened the wood. Inside was presumably his roommate, Justine, in her bed, napping. Jarvis quietly tip-toed around to his bed, and started to unpack his suitcase, which contained many pairs of cunty flares, frilly patterned shirts, and multiple suits. Jarvis didn’t have pyjamas because his dad told him that his birthday suit was just as good. He wished that he had pyjamas, but his mum Margaret Thatcher could not afford them as they were going through a tough time financially. Jarvis held up his favourite shirt. He really liked this shirt.
“That shirt is a bumbaclart.” said Justine.
Jarvis turned around. Justine was very hairy and manly. Oh well. Whatever floats her boat.
“Hello Justine. I am your roommate, Jarvis Cocker.”
“Har Har. COCKer. COck. Har AHAR!!!”
Jeez, this bigheaded bitch on the right has the craziest attitude! Jarvis looked her up and down. She had one big eyebrow, and was wearing adidas trainers, adidas pants, and adidas nipples. Wait. Jarvis wasn;t supposed to see Justines nipples.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Jaris threw one of his bras on Justine. “Madam! Please cover your bosoms!”
“I aint a FUCKIN CHICK YOU BITCH!” Said the woman. “I AM WILLIAM JOHN PAUL GALLAGHER AND I KISS MY BROTHER! Wait shit I wasn't supposed to say that…”
Jarvis blinked. This woman was so odd.
“I’ve never met a woman named William”
“I”M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!”
The door opened. Another woman walked through the door.
“Oh SHIT!!! Are you Jarvis Cocker?” Said the lady.
“Yes! I am cocky!” Said Jarvis.
“I’m Justine. I’m your new roommate— LIAM!!!! GET OUT!!!! You aren’t supposed to be here…. You were supposed to be gone ten hours ago!! Go live with Noel, even if he doesn’t know.”
Maybe Noel was Williams Boyfriend.
“You can’t say anything about William… Damon can’t know that I’m cheating on him.” continued Justine, looking at Jarvis with a really threatening manner.
Wow! A lesbian!
“Oh… okay!” Said Jarvis. Jarvis liked lesbians.
Liam ran out of the room in her adidas and bra. This academy was really really confusing.
Justine sat down on her bed. “So sorry about that. Sometimes he doesn’t leave. You know, he lived with Noel for six months, and he had no idea?”
Jarvis raised an eyebrow. That sounded like a toxic romantic relationship between Noel and Liam. A lady like Liam should always be cared for. So delicate. So feminine. So cockette. So sexy!
“No, I didn’t know that at all. Anything else I should know?” Queeried Jarvis.
“Uhhh… the principal and Johnny Marr are doing it.”
Jarvis already, unfortunately, had witnessed this. Diva down!
Just then, a bell tolled through the wooden walls.
“Dinner time.” Said Justine, and she walked through the door and down the stairs, leaving Jarvis in the dust. Wow! All q97409 steps in one go. That girl must be made of ELASTIC.
CUT TO DINNER HALL
The room STANK. Like blanched broccoli and hospitals because that’s where they would all end up if they continued to eat like this. Jarvypoo sat down and twiddled his toes at a table, where a hunk of uncooked tofu was marinating in a pool of tahini. Jarvis could really understand why Johnny Marr was built so twinky. Jarvis carved off some tofu and let it drop heavily onto his plate, garnishing the meal with some boiled broccoli. All of a sudden, a young, slightly pungent boy slid across the table bench beside him. He had super edgy black hair and had a super dodge expression plastered on his face.
“I’m Alex. Alex James. But you can call me Cheesy.”
Who decides to start a nickname called ‘Cheesy’? The naming system at this academy needed serious help.
“Hello… Cheesy…” whispered Jarvis, a little alarmed but also curious as to what the black haired boy had to say to him.
“Listen… I can deal you a three-ounce bag for just £14.” said Cheesy in a hushed tone.
Good god, did this cheesy boy think that Jarvis was made out of money????
“Are you trying to sell me drugs? Mummy always has drugs but she never gives me any because they're for her special research projects that happen in the bathroom!”Jarvis said alarmedly. This was true, of course.
“No, I’m not selling you drugs, I’m selling you….” Cheesy glanced around the cafeteria filled with sickly looking musicians and old men that should probably be in jail instead of hanging around young teenagers.
“a food made from the pressed curds of milk, firm and elastic or soft and semi-liquid in texture.” Cheesy continued, even quieter than before.
“What, cheese?” Jarvis said loudly. Liam Gallagher looked across the hall, scoffing. Her hairy face looked beautiful as ever. Cheesy’s eyes widened at the volume of Jarvis’s words.
“Keep quiet! Cheese is frowned upon here at BPA. Principle Morrissey will actually hit you– and not in the nice way that he hits Johnny Marr.”
Jarvis stood up! He could NOT take this odd attitude from the common people. He wanted to put down his lipgloss and call it a night. He could not be hiding in this wardrobe watching anyones sister and wishing to procreate with her for much longer. Time to leave these mis-shapes and have a nap!!!
Jarveypoo left the cafeteria feeling hungrier than before after his tofu-broccoli feast and once again climbed the q97409 once again, opening the very wooden door and crashing out on his bed, sprawled over all of his lingerie.
JARVIS JOURNAL POV:
I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!! I AM NOT OKAY!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!! FORGET ABOUT THE COMMON PEOPLE!!!
more soon though my jarvy babes x