Chapter Text
They’re asking me to pick a name for myself—not asking, actually, demanding I choose, as any if of that stuff matters. Not the first time I’ve had to name myself, but I didn’t want to back then either—I ended up just flipping to a random page in a ‘baby names’ catalogue and blindly putting my finger down on ‘Ian’. Then and now, the idea that I’m the one who has to do it offends me, and yet the idea of someone else choosing for me also offends me. Irrational, I know—it’s just a lose-lose scenario.
I’ve been thinking about how I got here, trying to make sense of it, trying to pick something that fits. It was only a month or so ago when I got that third email telling me that I was definitely for real this time on academic probation, and that I’d lose my financial aid and possibly be expelled if I failed any more credits. It certainly didn’t begin there, though; I had always been a stupid, pathetic, lazy excuse for a person. I was just… born like that, I guess. There’s something others seem to possess that I lack.
I was alone, then. I did have a roommate, but I barely saw much of him. He was in the process of officially changing rooms just to get away from me—he had some issues with my cleanliness, as he told me. I don’t particularly blame him, though—I did smell, I just didn’t notice it at the time. I was just surviving off of financial aid money and a meal plan, and only had a hundred or so dollars to spend on anything other than cafeteria food every three months, so I considered deodorant and shampoo a waste. I wasn’t spending money on haircuts, razors, or new clothes either, so my blonde, constantly oily, curly hair had grown down to my shoulders. At least my facial hair didn’t grow all the way out, it looked more like golden wires than a full-on beard.
I probably did look homeless, but I was about to be actually homeless. They only give out financial aid to students that pass their classes, and I was not one of those students. If I failed one more set of classes, I’d lose my housing and access to food, and I likely would have been kicked off to the streets. Moving in with family wasn’t an option since I have none—part of why my financial aid was so high in the first place. I had no friends to couch surf on, either—I could chalk it up to the Seattle Freeze, maybe, but the truth is I just didn’t want to put in the effort to socialize, or maybe I was actually afraid to, I don’t know.
I was only taking easy gen-ed classes, but still just didn’t put in even the most basic effort needed to get a passing grade on what most students would consider effortless 4.0s. I just didn’t have the motivation. Maybe I was depressed, but I’m not sure. I was also in trouble for not picking a major going into my junior year, and I was pretty upset when I realized I’d never be able to pull myself through one of the majors I was actually interested in like engineering or astrophysics, so maybe that had something to do with it. If only I knew what I’d be doing now.
At some point, at a seemingly random moment, I felt it within me that I had completely failed. The feeling overwhelmed me, but I didn’t cry or despair. I felt a sort of relief, even. “Oh well,” I whispered, “One less thing to worry about, I guess.”
In that same moment, I felt the urge to go on a walk. It was a usual rainy day, far from uncommon in the Seattle winter. I put on a hoodie and shoes, walked out of my room, down the elevator, and out the door. Bereft of an umbrella, I let the chilling rain pour over me, soaking my hair and my clothes. I felt free, I felt good. I felt like I was being cleansed of the responsibility that I was casting aside. Like, who cares if I got wet? Not me, certainly. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
I walked for about an hour, and the rain dried up as dusk began. It was a picturesque moment. I wanted to get to a point where I could see it better, and found my way to a tall university building. I went inside, not knowing or caring whether or not I should be in there. In fact I still have no idea what the purpose of this building even was. Office space? Whatever the case, my university ID card gave me access to the elevator, which I rode up to the top floor. An additional set of stairs carried me to a door with a conspicuously opened padlock on its handle. I took the opportunity, and found myself on the roof.
Immediately I was greeted by the sight of a rainbowed sunset. I hadn’t seen something that beautiful in quite some time. Had I just not been looking? I stared for a few moments, before a voice startled me into a jump and a yelp, the kind of embarrassing scream you make when you think you’re alone. I turned to the source and there was a girl sitting comfortably up against the wall next to the roof exit I came from. I scratched my head out of embarrassment and sighed as I calmed down.
For some reason I felt like there was someone else there, even though I’m certain I was alone.
She giggled, “Jeez, I’m not the boogeyman, calm down.” She paused to contain her laughter, “Oh my god you are soaking. Bad day?” Her voice was soft yet gravelly.
I stood still, trying to reason myself through her question. Is this a bad day? I guess it should have been, but I didn’t feel so bad. I sat down criss-cross on the wet floor to face her. She was pretty. She had a somewhat ashy complexion, and wore a comfortable looking coat that mimicked a dress with leggings. Most notable was the spiked choker that she wore. “Uh, not really.” I answered, “I just decided to give up, but giving up isn’t so bad, I think. I think I’m having a good day.”
She raised her eyebrow. “You’re not going to jump, are you?”
Confused for a moment, I stammered to stem the misunderstanding, “Nonono, not that kind of giving up. I’m just, taking a new lease on life, I guess. I’ve stopped caring. Caring about… stressful stuff… any stuff… As long as I can get food into my stomach and sleep at night I’m fine, right? That’s how I feel.”
“Hmm.” She responded, noncommittally. “What’s your name?”
“Ian.”
She smiled. “Well my name’s Megan. I hope we can become friends.”
I looked at her, then down to the wet roof. Then I set my gaze on the beautiful sunset on the cityscape. I didn’t expect to, but tears welled in my eyes. I stifled them by taking a pensive pose, trying to look cool and stoic. “I hope so too.” I said at a half-whisper, for some reason.
I found myself staring at the horizon until my emotions calmed down, and my meditation was broken by Megan's voice, startling me again somehow despite myself.
“You’re sort of right, but there’s more to it than that. You know Maslow’s hierarchy of needs right? People need more than just food and a roof over their heads. If you don’t do something else you’ll go insane. That’s why people make art, go to concerts, play sports. You shouldn’t just give up, Ian. You should live.”
Meeting her eyes, I put my hand on my chin, feeling my stubble as I considered that there may be more to live than what I knew. Of course I had considered this before, but decided that nice things cost money, and I’d rather just not work. But sitting up here, seeing the city, making a connection; made me appreciate the beauty in life for the first time. To mention the beauty of living? Maybe she had a point. It wouldn’t be so bad to get off my ass and get a job if it meant I could, I don’t know, go on camping trips and see the views from the mountains like this but better.
Feeling anxious for some reason, I looked at the cloudy sky reflected in the puddles around me. I craned my head to look at the city streets beneath me, with all their vain, artsy murals and decorations in full view.
"Maybe." I resolved.
I felt for some reason that I was missing something incredibly valuable.
"Thank you." I said to nobody in particular, for no reason at all.
And then it happened.
I felt as though I had been struck by lightning, and that’s exactly what I thought had happened too, despite the lack of rain. Pain and confusion wracked my body, and I must have lost consciousness because I found myself laying down, face to the sky, with no recollection of moving. I shot up, and my head spun. The world did not look the same. I saw these… connections, couplings, I ‘felt’ numbers and values associated with objects and the air around me. I looked at my hands and intuited that my fingers could swing back and forth at a rate of about four cycles per second. It made no sense to me. I got up and started rushing with my weak legs to the door that led back into the building, tripping and crawling. That’s when I noticed Megan totally knocked unconscious next to it. I felt awful and guilty for forgetting about her somehow. How could I have been so selfish?
I found the strength to crawl towards her before stumbling to my feet and dragging her inside through the door to get her to safety. After I propped her up against the wall. She awakened, drawing a sharp breath.
“Are you ok? Are you hurt?” I asked, just relieved she’s alive.
Instead of responding, she flashed me a look of fear, eyes widening, breathing unevenly, before pushing off of the wall to her feet and immediately running away and down the stairs. I tried shouting “wait!” as she ran, but she was out of sight before I could even think about giving chase.
I stood there confused. Time crept forward around me as I regained the senses I didn’t realize were muted from the tunnel vision of stress. The frequency band of my hearing widened, and I once again listened to the squawking of crows, the gentle breezes, and the various man-made hums of this lonely city. After that, it didn’t take long to realize that I had somehow triggered while looking at the sunset.