Chapter Text
Her eyes were locked on those blue earrings, those earrings that shined with the moonlight coming outside the window. The teardrop-shaped sapphires were just a reminder of the feeling that has been stuck with her for almost fourty years, that feeling of something missing, a blank space on her soul, utterly alone. She hold the earrings so carefully that she was scared, truly scared, to break them; a treasure that she wouldn't handle losing.
Lydia thought that she was torturing herself for doing this everytime she feels vulnerable and weak, but there she was, sitting at the edge of her bed with those earrings on her hands as if they were the solution to all of her life problems.
Halloween was three weeks ago, but the events of that night were still very clear on her head. The feeling of almost losing her daughter still ached her heart, the only idea of it made her want to throw up. Astrid was safe and sound, back to her school and improving her relationship with her mother, but Lydia still feels that it was just a matter of time to mess everything up. Losing Delia hit harder than she ever gave credit for. They weren't very fond to eachother from the start, after the Maitlands moved on, she and her dad were the only parental figures for her, which was fucked up because Lydia had resentment towards Delia after her parents’ split up. It was only when she became an adult that they started to actually build a relationship, not a mother-daughter relationship but a relationship in the end.
And then was… Betelgeuse. Lydia has mixed feelings for even thinking about him. After a failed second wedding and sending him away again, she would've thought he wouldn't be a problem anymore, just an odd memory that would remain that. How wrong she was. The reason she's sitting at the edge of her bed in the middle of the night was because of another nightmare with him. The image of Astrid giving birth to the same baby version of him, which he made come out of her body when she met him again, was still very present on her mind along with the part in which she woke up on the dream and heard his raspy voice next to her just to make up again and see the empty side of the bed with the pillow looking as if someone was there a second ago.
Panic and stress, two things that Lydia has been feeling lately. But as she looked at the sapphires on her hands she realized: she has been feeling like this for decades. Yes, there were and are moments when she can feel other, more positive, things, but this two feelings were eating her up from the inside.
Her toxic, codependant relationship with Rory, her complicated relationship with Astrid, Delia's dead, her father's dead, Richard’s divorce and accident, the Maitlands moving on, her issolating herself from others, the mere existance of the striped poltergeist were just some facts that she has accumulated over time… But if you ask her of the moment when her life truly changed, she will mention that summer, when her entire world was torn apart.
Her whole life, she thought she wasn't even someone worthy. The torment and codependence Rory had her in, the fact that those two ghostly weddings were part of a deal, the resentment her daughter had towards her, the divorce, the low to not importance her dad gave to her, her own mother’s rejection… Splitting up of the person that has been there for her from the womb was the lowest hit life could give to her.
There weren't any more tears to cry, that happened many years ago that it didn't mattered at this point. But it did matter, but convincing herself it didn't was the best way she thought to get over it. Except she never got over it. She felt pathetic, incompetent and stupid, she was a grown woman and she had been stuck with these feelings since she was a teenager. She wonders if she feels the same, or if she’s still out there.
“What would you think of me now?” She was tired, not just for not getting a good sleep in the past few weeks but for this emotionally difficult cycle. Her gaze locked on the blue earrings as if they could answer the question, she closed her eyes as she gently wrapped them on her fists, pulling them in front of her mouth as she whispered above her knuckles.
“Am I even worthy, Nica?”
Before her brain or any divine sign could answer her question, Lydia layed her back on the mattress, head resting on top of her pillow. She turned her head to the empty side of the bed, turning her back to that side three seconds later. She held the earrings against the side of her heart before placing them on the nightstand next to her side of the bed, closing her eyes as the blue shining of the sapphires hit her sight.
“Blue’s not my personal favourite, black and red are more beautiful t’me”