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16
There was a knock at the door.
“Come in” said Bruce, sitting on the armchair close to the fireplace, it was a quiet night after patrol, quiet as Gotham can be,he had a tablet in hand working in his latest case, crime never rests and neither does he.
He was expecting Alfred, coming in to remind him to go to bed, or to bring in some tea and snacks for another late night. but it was Dick who walked through the door.
He arched an eyebrow “shouldn't you be in bed?” Patrol ended late that day, and they had a small celebration for Dick's birthday just a few hours ago, the big birthday would be later that day, but it wouldn't be a birthday party if the birthday boy was too tired.
Dick just smiled and walked towards him, standing a few steps in front of Bruce. “I think i know what i want for my birthday” Every time Bruce asked him what wanted Dick would just tell him he would think about it, at some point he thought Dick didn't want anything, Bruce already had a surprise gift prepared for him, -several actually, but giving Dick something he actually wanted would be better.
But Bruce couldn't help but immediately notice something.
Dick was nervous. and was trying hard to hide it.
nervous of what?.
he wasn't sure, but he got out from his seat, meeting Dick in front of the fireplace, orange flames casting a golden light on Dick’s face, he was becoming a handsome young man, maybe growing up too fast in Bruce opinion, he felt as if it was just yesterday that Dick was just a kid following him around, jumping on chandeliers, and flying through Gotham for the first time.
“What is it? you know you can ask for anything” And he means it.
Dick just smiled, it was a nervous one, but he was a performer nonetheless, anyone else wouldn't have noticed, but Bruce wasn't anyone, he couldn't stop thinking what was he going to ask for to look so nervous. a party with his friends at the manor? drive the batmobile? party in the batcave?.
Dick took a step forward, a shy smile on his lips. “I… i want a hug” he kept up the pretense of calmness. Bruce looked at him puzzled, a hug? he never had to ask for those, before he would just hug Bruce without asking, although he had to admit, he missed Dick's hugs, at some point he stopped being as affectionate as when he was a kid, Bruce thought it was just his age, he's growing up after all, but he missed it sometimes.
But there was something more about his request. “And after this, we don't have to talk about it, or even acknowledge it. I swear I won't act any differently, or let it get in the way… so please, just for my birthday, can I hug you?” The fire light was reflecting on his eyes, making the blue shine like a gem cast on fire. And Bruce knows that look, behind his eyes he could see it, he knew him better than anyone else. He could see he looked sad, defeated, anxious.
hopeful.
His mind was working trying to figure him out, trying to remember Dick's behavior in the last few days, last week, last month, trying to analyze him, to find out what happened for him to be acting like this. he hasn't acted any different than usual but there was something he was missing, something he wasn't seeing, did something happened in the short time after their small celebration after Dick left for his room?.
Bruce opened his arms, he didn't have a reason to deny him even if he was Still trying to figure the why of his behavior.
Dick smiled and jumped into his arms, burying his face in his neck, Bruce hugged him back, it was nice, he wouldn't say it but a part of him missed this.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying each other presence when Bruce felt Dick move, he lifted his head from his neck, moving it towards his face, pressing his lips against Bruce's cheek, and Bruce froze, for a second he thought he would give him a kiss, a little odd for his age Bruce thought but he would let him be, it was his birthday after all.
But he didn't give him a kiss, he just let his lips pressed against Bruce's face for a few more seconds before pulling away, he smiled at Bruce, face blushing, and then he was moving again, for a second, just for a moment, Bruce thought about pulling back, thinking Dick was going to kiss him this time, –a weird thought, He would never do that to Bruce, he wasn't like that.
but he moved towards his ear.
“I love you” whispered Dick, and Bruce almost said it back but Dick as he pulled away, now face to face Bruce saw it, it was in his eyes, in his smile, in the blush blooming in his cheeks.
That i love you wasn't the same type of Love Bruce felt for him, it wasn't familiar or fraternal love.
It was romantic love.
Bruce tensed and Dick felt it, he saw it in his face, in his furrowed eyebrow, in his cold eyes, in the small wrinkle in his lips, but he kept smiling. He left Bruce embrace and smiled one last time, he looked more… free as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, Dick walked towards the door, not before turning towards Bruce “Remember, your promise, tomorrow will be just any other day” and closed the door behind him, leaving Bruce behind in his thoughts.
–
The next few days, just like he promised, Dick didn't act any different, on the other hand Bruce has been watching him, studying him, trying to understand Dick and his feelings. When did they change?Was it something recent? Was it something Bruce did?.
For a few weeks it went like that, Bruce over analyzing their past interactions, while trying to keep a safe distance. If Dick noticed something strange, he didn't comment on it, Bruce thinks he was expecting it even.
By the second month Bruce reached the conclusion that it was a teenage crush, everyone crushed on their teachers, on their mentors at some point, Dick wasn't any different after all, so Bruce let the case rest.
17
He was feeling a sense of deja vu, except he remembers exactly when this happened before, he couldn't forget it, it was always in the back of his mind. buried deep.
Like last year, after Dick's party he was once again in Bruce's office, and like last year he asked for the same thing, looking shy, batting his eyelashes, another promise of nothing changing between them after it. He didn't look as nervous as the first time, but yet there was an air around Dick that told Bruce he was prepared for the worse.
Bruce didn't speak, he just opened his arms and once again Dick jumped into them. But this time Bruce didn't hug back, it didn't seem right to encourage this teenager fixation in any form, but that didn't seem to deter Dick.
Lips pressed against his check, not a kiss, not even close to it and a confession whispered against his ear. his warm breath brushing against his skin.
“I love you”
and that smiled as he pulled apart, even facing Bruce's scowl didn't seem to diminish his smile. without saying another word he left, leaving Bruce to his thoughts, trying once again to figure out Dick Grayson's heart.
—
He was young, Bruce thought, it was just a crush, one that has lasted a year, Bruce told himself, but he still couldn't let it go. Unlike most of his cases he didn't have any clue for this one, Dick wasn't doing anything different, he was behaving like always, in and out of the mask, nothing changed about it, not even when Bruce kept his distance that first week after the hug.
He could only watch and collect data, it was not something he could let to rest, and because he promised to Dick he never asked questions about it, he never did, he doesn't think he could to begin with.
–
19
Bruce thought he was over it, the year of their fight, When he fired him, when Dick left him and became Nightwing, they didn't see each other for Dick's birthday.
they didn't reconciliate, they weren't working together unless necessary and didn't cross paths, but at Alfred's and Jason insistence Dick accepted to have a small celebration for his birthday at the manor, Bruce decided to hide in his study, knowing Dick wouldn't want to see him and his presence would just ruin the celebration.
what he didn't expect was to hear a knock a few hours after the party must have ended.
“Come in” said Bruce, thinking it would be Alfred, coming in to update him on Dick and to look at him disapprovingly for still ignoring him, even on his birthday.
“Hey Bruce” it was Dick instead, standing outside the room, he didn't made a move to Walk inside, instead looking calm and collected, but Bruce could see he was nervous, looking like he did that year and the one after that, and Bruce would never admit it, not even in his weakest momens, but he felt nervous, he wasn't showing it, instead he had a scowl on his face, trying to hide his feeling by projecting anger and disapproval instead.
Bruce wasn't going to jump into conclusion, maybe Dick was there about a case, maybe he was there because he missed Bruce. Like he misses him, every day, maybe he-
“It’s my birthday” Said Dick, as if Bruce didn't know, and if he could ever forget it, as if a part of him didn't miss him like a limb Last year when he wasn't there. “I was wondering… if you remember”
He knows he shouldn't, Dick couldn't possibly still be harboring those kinds of feelings for him, Bruce knows Dick and Barbara have been together for a few months now. he thought Dick finally moved on.
But Bruce misses him, so he stood up, he opens his arms, welcoming him in, not moving from where he's standing, Dick smile, so bright it illuminates the darkness of the gloomy manor, a darkness that came back the day he left.
Dick jumps into Bruce's arms, burying his face in his neck, Bruce arms rest next to him, knowing he shouldn't touch Dick, he shouldn't be doing this to begin with.
But he missed his robin.
Dick then moves his lips towards Bruce's cheek, once agani not a kiss, never a kiss, just pressing them against the skin before moving towards his ear and whispering those dreadful words.
“I love you” before pulling away, looking happier than before.
and Bruce didn't understand it, it was a futile confession, he would never reciprocate Dick's feeling, he must know that.
And yet he always looks happier than ever after saying it.
22
part of Bruce wanted to resent him, how dare Dick change their already complicated relationship?
How dare he put this burden on Bruce.
The burden of this love. 7 years have gone by since that first confession, 6 not counting the one year they didn't speak.
not even once has he missed it, at this point Bruce fears Dick's birthday every year. Will he do it again? Will this be the year he doesn't ask for it? Was finally he over Bruce? Does he still love him?.
Did he always love him?
Bruce has tried to find fault in his behavior, in and outside the field, trying to look for a reason, a reason to talk about this, to tell Dick how foolish he is to harbor these feeling, how it clouds his judgement, how it would put him, them, and everyone in danger, were him to make decisions based of feelings.
But he hasn't found a reason -an excuse- to even approach the subject, and he doesn't even think he could, as long as he doesn't say anything, as long as he doesn't acknowledge it, Dick's feelings exists in a limbo, his love for him, exist only on his birthday.
26
“Come in,” said Bruce from behind his desk,
“Hi B” Greated Dick walked normally into the room.
“Dick” said Bruce, not lifting his eyes from the paper in front of him. had he he would have noticed the sighs from the start.
“Soooo” he walked towards Bruce's desk, going behind it and laying against it, crossing his arms. His body was in Bruce's vision, He was nervous and he could tell, his leg was going that tick he only does when nervous, one of the tells only someone who knows him could see “it a week and you'll be a married man” said Dick trying to sound Casual but his body told another story.
Bruce froze for a second before resuming his work “Are you here to tell me you won't be attending?” He has been expecting it, one of the reasons he didn't make Dick his best was because Bruce wasn't sure he would attend.
ten years.
For ten years Dick has confessed his love to Bruce, and every year a part of him feels guilty, guilty for receiving Dicks undying love, he has never felt worth it of it, and guilty because he has gotten used to it, knowing he will always have Dick by his side.
Dick scoffed “Of course I'm coming, i wouldn't miss your wedding even if there was an Alien attack” Bruce frowned, there will be a lot of heroes during his wedding, he shouldn't worry if something like that were to happen. but he better make plans just in case. “But that's not why I'm here”
Bruce turned his head towards Dick waiting for him to continue. giving him his full attention even though he already had it, when Dick was in the room he always had Bruce's attention.
“My birthday is in a few months” How could he forget it, it was the day he most looks forward too but also one he dreaded the most, ten years and he has not gotten closer in understanding where Dick's love for him came from, why does he even loves him, it didn't matter how bad Bruce treated him, Dick would never miss his birthday gift.
“And i wanted to ask…” he brought a hand to his neck, a sign of his nervousness but quickly pulled it away, trying to scold his expression into a calm one, but in front of Bruce he could never hide it. “If i could get my birthday gift earlier, for the last time”
for the last time.
Those words struck Bruce like he had been punched in the chest, thrown through a wall, hit by a car, things he had already experienced first hand on the same day.
Not even when Dick was dating Barbara or Koriand'r, did he ever stop asking for his birthday gift, not even when he was engaged, not even when he knew Bruce was involved with someone. A few years before he understood why he never kissed him, why it was just a press of lips on his cheek, not even a peck. Because it means that no matter if they were single or not he could be keen doing it, it wouldn't make them unfaithful to their partners, but that didn't mean Bruce never felt guilty about it. -He wondered if Dick ever did- it was nothing and yet it was everything.
and yet it was about to end
Does he not love him anymore?
Was this him giving him up? Does Bruce getting married made him realize it was never going to happen?
A part of Bruce knows Dick always knew that, he has never given him any type of sign that would say otherwise, But even then he never stopped. never, to a point he made Bruce believe he would never stop.
But now.
He got up from his seat, just looking at his Dick's face, he could see everything he was trying to hide from him, the nervousness, the fear, the doubt, and the love.
Bruce opened his arms and feeling a sense of loss, he was losing something today, something that at some point he thought would ever lose.
Dick jumped into his arms, holding him tight, burying his face in Bruce's neck, inhaling his scent, and this time Bruce allowed himself to hug him back. feeling the heat from his skin through the shirt, the movement of his muscles as Bruce set his hands on his back, he felt Dick let out a breath of surprise when he hugged him back, it was the first time he ever did.
and it was the last
They stayed like that for a long time, in his mind he knew it was justs minutes, but it felt longer and yet not long enough, Dick finally moved towards Bruce's face, this time he didn't move to his ears, didn't whisper anything, there were no words of love, no confession, just silence and they held each other.
He moved closer, his lips hovering on Bruce's cheeks, not touching him but too close to the corner of his lips, way too close, he felt Dicks warm breath over his skin, felt he's so close, just one move, he just need to turn his head slightly, one extra step, and his lips would be touching, not a kiss, but the closest he has gotten.
He felt guilty.
It was just a hug, not even a kiss, or a touch of lips on his cheek, they weren't doing anything wrong, but Bruce still felt guilty by letting Dick do this. and then, way too soon, he pulled away, still within Bruce's arms but still not close enough.
It Was too soon.
Dick didn't look happy like the other times “goodbye Bruce” he gave him one last smile breaking free from Bruce's arms, he wanted to hold him, to keep him there.
But he was already walking away, closing the door, leaving Bruce to his solitude, feeling like lost something he didn't know he had.
27
He waited for him.
After Dick's party he waited for him, sitting in the armchair with only the dying fireplace as his light source, he waited patiently.
Bruce never thought he would miss it, that he would want it, need it, but he does, he needs that reminder, that constant, that affirmation that someone, no matter what, will still be there for him.
He needs him.
After Selina left him at the altar his first thought was going to Dick, finding, letting him hug him, another early present from Bruce, but he couldn't, he knew that he should be happy Dick was finally getting over him, finally moving on.
But he was a selfish man.
So after Dick's birthday he waited for him, the party ended an hour ago, he should be walking up to his study any second now. any second now he will walk through that door, trying to act calm but Bruce will see through him, he always does, will see the way his hands slightly twitch, how his legs makes the minimum movement trying to stay still, and how his pupils slightly widen when he sees Bruce, only he knows this, only he knows Dick like this, Only he gets to have him between his arm, whispering devotion into his ear.
and just in time he saw a shadow appear under the door, he waited, eagerly.
But there was no knock, no words asking to come in.
he knows Dick must be debating with himself about this, and Bruce knows last time was supposed to be the last, but he hoped, he needed Dick to walk through that door, to have him between his arms, to feel his lips against his cheek and to heard those words whispered against his ear, he made Bruce accustom to it, he can't just take it back now, not now.
He was just standing there, his Shadow still in front of the door, he must know Bruce was there, he always is after his birthday -at some point during the years he unconsciously came to the study after every party waiting for Dick-.
He wasn't walking in but he kept hoping and longing for him, for that light that Dick brings during his darkness moments.
But Dick walked away.
Leaving Bruce alone, maybe for the first time, feeling truly alone ever since Dick came into his life.
Bruce 40
“so, today's your birthday, the big 4-0” Dick whistles “How does it feel to be ancient?” he laid against the bat computer while Bruce's wrote that night last report, it was one of those nights they decided to patrol together, if Dick's thinks about it, it has been happening more often lately, and didn't want to think too much about it, just being next to bruce was enough.
“So what are the plans for today? a big party on a yacht? Renting the biggest hotel in gotham? or will Bruce Wayne celebrate outside the country? I heard Greece has the best beaches” He wasn't expecting an answer, Dick just wanted to spend just a few more minutes with Bruce before he had to leave for bludhaven.
He should be getting over him, and he's trying, he promised himself he would, but sometimes he just missed Bruce.
“Have you thought about what you want for your birthday? I could get you a bat shaped cake, or maybe a-”
“I already know what i want” Bruce interrupted Dick, which he wasn't expecting, but what shocked him more was the fact that Bruce wanted something for his birthday, was about to ask him for something, he never asked for anything, not even in his hardest moments, not even when his life was in danger or when he was about to die.
That made him freeze for a second. Dick quickly recovered, regaining his wits, he tried to act natural, something he knows can't fool Bruce.
“What is it? if you want to spend it alone brooding in the cave working on a case i will-”
Bruce stood from the chair, he thought he was about to leave, but he walked towards Dick, he took the cowl off. meaning this was something Bruce Wayne wanted to say, not batman, he got even closer. his body caging him again the console
something was different.
He lifted his hand towards Dick's face, slowly peeling off Nightwing’s mask, and he just looked at him, icy blue eyes were on Dick and he just wanted to look away, but he couldn't.
“I want a hug”
That almost made him jump from the surprise. He wanted to run, to leave, a part of him thought Bruce was being affected by something, maybe he hit his head too hard, maybe he had an encounter with a mind controller that was trying to get to Dick. maybe he was the one being affected by something, trapped in an illusion, a dream where his deepest desires became true.
Because What he said, What Bruce was asking was…
He shouldn't do it.
He knows that, whatever happens after, it can only be nothing short of a mess, Dick has thought about this before, so many already, what if scenarios ran through his head and every time it ends with his heart broken, that's why he never did more that a hug and a press of lips, it's better to have that than to have nothing.
and yet he couldn't deny him.
He opened his arms, in a flash Bruce holding him, arms around his waist, face hidden in his neck, Dick arms around him, hugging back trying to engraved the feeling in his mind, knowing it could be the last, it felt warm, even through the layers of their suits Dick can still feel the warmth coming from Bruce's body.
He doesn't know how long they stayed like that, the concept of time disappearing from his mind the second Bruce was between his arms.
But then Bruce moved his head, towards his ear and Dick felt his warm breath on his skin, sending shivers through his body that he knows Bruce has felt, must know how much he affected him.
“I’m sorry” Bruce whispered against his skin, before pulling away and closing the distance again, capturing his lips, Dick closed his arms around his shoulders and he felt arms tighter around his waist.
This was everything he ever wanted and more, he never thought, not even in his wildest fantasies. that it was even a possibility, he never dared to hope.
Hope was a dangerous thing in love, it already made him love Bruce for over ten years