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They had been at lunch before enjoying a nice walk through a Brooklyn park that hadn’t changed since they were twenty.
Steve had shivered and accepted Buck’s coat with red cheeks red with more than just the cold.
He’d been waiting for when they got back home to do it. Nat reckoned he had planned the perfect little day to start the rest of their lives. It wasn’t like they didn’t go out often already, but button-down shirts and dress shoes weren’t usually in the description.
No, this was supposed to be special.
He had leant in, quickly as not to chicken out, lips readied with chapstick and pursed in anticipation.
Their mouths met only briefly and warmth spread through Steve. But then, he was robbed of it, was so cold that he could have been back in the fucking ice if he hadn’t opened him eyes.
He was not expecting Bucky to be there, stiff as anything, a frown on his face.
“What was that?” Punched out. Shocked.
Steve’s stomach dropped down to his arse. This was not the reaction Nat had illustrated the night prior over dinner.
Shocked, sure, but the good kind that morphs in to relief and elation.
Not whatever Buck was feeling.
Scrambling, Steve started, “I thought…w-well Nat said—“
Bucky wiped at his lips furiously, cutting Steve off.
“You thought wrong. Nat was probably just riling you up, honey. God I forget how gullible you are.’ Bucky huffed a strained chuckle, likely trying to dull the impact of his words.
His twisted face said it all, though.
Oh. Oh. That hurt.
Stunned to silence, the younger man only jumped in when Bucky poised to speak again — Steve wasn’t sure he could stomach any more reprimand.
“I’m-m’sorry…”
Steve felt his mind blur in tandem with his eyes, an onslaught of tears set to flood the hole in his heart. He needed to get out of there.
“It’s whatever. Just— we’re not like that, okay? Just friends, remember?”
Remember what? Steve was sure they’d never established that but apparently he had grossly misinterpreted their closeness.
Bucky ducked to meet Steve’s downcast eyes, to make sure he knew he was serious. He wasn’t blind to the obvious onset of tears, the stuttering, slurring words leaving quivering lips.
He couldn’t entertain it, though. Not in the middle of such an important conversation. If Steve cried, he’d probably scoop him up and kiss him stupid. But that wouldn’t be fair.
Bucky was not going to let Steve love him like that. He couldn’t be the man Steve wanted him to be. It would only end in heart break.
Steve steeled himself, putting on his best, brightest smile
“Yes—yep, I remember! Just friends. Got it.” Even Steve, in his muddled state, cringed at the forced pitch of his voice. He’s never been very good at lying.
“Nooo kissy kissy…” Then, to make things worse, he shot finger guns like an absolute freak, failing miserably to act natural.
He needed to get the hell out of Bucky’s apartment, and, preferably, out of his life so he never had to see him again. Steve was so, incredibly embarrassed.
Realistically, Steve knew that was impossible. He was tied to Bucky in so many aspects of his life, separation would be virtually impossible. It was part of the reason he had needed such passionate encouragement from Nat to initiate the kiss he did.
He’d ruined everything.
Bucky smiled small out of courtesy, but a horrified Steve couldn’t stay much longer. After a mumbled goodbye, he headed straight for the door, only just remembering to slip out of Bucky’s own coat and hang it neatly on a nearby hook.
He really thought that Bucky’s coat would warm him forever, that a chilly December day could be the beginning of a beautiful romance.
How naïve.
—
Bucky came over later in the week because, despite any tension, Thursday is their day to train — had been for months.
The radio silence from Steve was not exactly encouraging, neither were the deadly glares he copped from Nat.
Despite the hostility, Bucky selfishly wanted to see Steve again. He wanted to maintain the comfortable routine they had settled in to.
Bucky flirts, Steve blushes, just another day
It was easy, and the closest Bucky would get to his desires without tying Steve down to a relationship bound to struggle.
He was long-recovered, but persistent nightmares and a flimsy temper were enough to have him running back to therapy. He’d be damned if was going to soil Steve’s progress with his own troubles.
It’d be cruel.
—
Yet now, as Steve relents underneath him, his sparring weak, Bucky would come to realise that maybe it was crueller to deny the love that was buzzing between them for fear of difficulty.
Nothing is ever easy, but some things are worth it. Steve was worth it.
Panting, he looked at Steve with an intensity the blond couldn’t return. Steve’s eyes were tired, red-rimmed, and had hardly met his since they left his apartment.
They had gone through the motions of their workout in an itching silence. It was killing Bucky, the way his best pal looked so small and unsure of his place by his side.
There hadn’t been a second that Bucky didn’t regret the way he responded the other day, yet seeing the product of his words just fed his fears. He could hurt Steve. With words, with his hands, it was so risky.
Yet, this burning, yearning love was enough for his to do something reckless.
With Steve pinned, he leant down, just as Steve had days ago, and placed a gentle peck to sweating cheek. I’m sorry.
Then, the other cheek. I didn’t mean what I said.
An eyebrow. You could never be just a friend.
His jaw. I’m yours, if you’ll have me.
He spread his love slowly but surely as Steve began to tremble below, ears ringing in the echo of Bucky’s promises.
“Please don’t do this to me if you don’t mean it — If you don’t love me like I love you.” A tear escaped fluttering lashes and Bucky used the strength of his metal arm to hold his steady as he wiped it away.
“I mean it, sweetheart.”
Steve hauled him into a hug that felt more like a punishing tackle but Bucky vaguely thinks it is deserved after being such a coward.
—
That night, when they were under the blanket on Steve’s couch, chipping away at the extensive list of modern films they missed out on, Bucky turned to his side.
“What about that kiss I owe you?”
Then came warmth. But this time, it was going to stay.