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“I just want to run away.”
Josh nodded slowly. “I know.”
“I don't want to be around them anymore.”
“I know.”
“I just want to die.”
“I know.”
Tyler looked at Josh through the corner of his narrowed eyes. “What do you mean, 'I know'?”
“I know how you feel.”
“Really?” Tyler asked bitterly.
“You feel like you're hated by everyone in the world. You feel like the cards are against you, that no one's ever going to know your struggle. You feel like you'd be better off dead, like the blood on your clothes will never be washed away. You want it to be over because you're tired- you're tired of living with the same demons in your head, the same mantras being repeated. You hate having to be constantly encouraged that everything will be alright, and you hate that you're still having to deal with everything. Nothing's getting better anymore, and you don't know whether or not you want it to or not.
“You constantly think what living without depression would be like, and the thought of not having it scares you. What would you do if you could wake every morning and actually want to get out of bed? To actually want to go to your sister's games or go back to playing basketball? Where would all that energy be aimed to?
“You feel scared and you feel so small in this damned world; you feel insignificant and you're tired that the same demons are yelling the same thing at you all the time. You're tired at the blood on your hands and not being able to get it off. You don't know which battle to pick, and you're scared to pick it.
“You need to wage wars on yourself constantly, and it's tiring. You have those three a.m nights and the panic attacks, you have the razor and you have the silent tears running down your face. I went through the same thing, Tyler. It's not just going to get up and leave on its own.”
Tyler looked down at his shoes, swinging them. His hands hurt from putting his weight on them, the tree branch's bark digging into them. “How did you get over it?”
Josh shook his head, the gesture lost in the darkness. “I never did.”
Tyler wanted to ask, but he never did that. If someone asked him that, all the memories of his depression getting the better of him would rise to the surface, and he wouldn't know what to do. Would he scream? Run? Do both down the streets of his neighborhood? He shook his head.
“I think you should go home,” Josh said, his tone neutral but not condescending. “Your mom will wonder where you went.”
Tyler nodded, forgetting that Josh couldn't see him. “Right,” he said. “I'll see you tomorrow.” Josh didn't respond as Tyler jumped down and walked back to his house.
——————
“Does it bother you that someone else has your name?”
Josh looked at him with mild surprise. The sun was low in the sky, giving everything a reddish tinge, including Josh's already red hair. “Why would it?”
“Josh is a pretty common name, right? You could be walking down the street and someone could be like, 'hey, Josh!', and then you'd look around and you'd realize, 'oh, another Josh'. Doesn't that bother you. There's someone else out there with your name doing God knows what, living their own life with your name. And all anybody knows at first is a name.
“Like at school, the teachers only know your name because they have to deal with your for a long time. And if there's two of you in a class together, they'll never remember. They'll always be like, 'Josh, what's the answer to number three?' and you two will look at each other and ask 'which Josh?' And just knowing that one little thing can get you two mixed up is like having people confuse you by not only your names, but who you are.
“It makes you think that you two are somehow connected, and you don't want to be that. You want to be your own person, with your own identity and your own name. And it's weird, I know, but I'm tired of having such a common name. I'm tired of being confused with so many people. I just want to be me.”
Josh nodded slowly. “I see where you're coming from.”
“It's weird, I know, but it's something that's been bugging me for a while.”
“It's good. I like it.”
They sat in silence for a while before Tyler spoke up. “My mom thinks you're imaginary.”
Josh froze. “You've told her about me?”
“Well, yeah. She was worried about me, so I told her I would hang out with you.”
“So why would she think I was imaginary?”
“She doesn't believe me.” He shrugged. “I don't blame her. I've done some pretty crazy shit before.”
“Like what?”
“I tried to jump off a bridge once. Told her I was hanging out with one of my buddies, but they ratted me out. My mom found me before I even got there.”
“So she thinks you're using me so you can make another suicide attempt?”
He shrugged again. “Basically.” He sighed. “Sometimes I think you're too good to be true.”
“What do you mean?”
“You're always listening me drone on and on about myself without ever wanting to talk about yourself. You always know what to say, and you never judge me.”
“What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?”
“What kind of friend am I if I keep venting to you without asking how you're doing?”
“Tyler-”
“Please, Josh.” He shook his head and put his face in his hands. “You've helped me so much. I just want to help you.”
“I'm fine.”
“But-”
“There's no 'but' about it, Tyler. Really, I'm fine.” Tyler looked down at his hand, trying to hide his trembling lip. It was dark now, the sun setting behind the other trees in the forest. Josh was oblivious to Tyler's crying until a tear hit his hand, what little light there was reflecting off of it.
“Ty-”
“Why won't you let me help you?” Josh sighed as Tyler continued. “You've helped me so much. I just want to help.”
“I can't be helped, Tyler.”
“Why not?” Josh didn't reply. “I thought the same thing about myself. But then you came along, and I've gotten so much better-”
“Tyler-”
“-you made me feel better about myself-”
“Tyler-”
“-like I wasn't some sort of freak-”
“Tyler.”
He finally looked at Josh, his eyes a little wide and still wet from tears. “Honestly, being here with you makes me happy. It makes things alright. When I'm with you, everything isn't a problem anymore.”
“But-”
“Like I said, no 'buts'. I'm fine. I'm happy.”
“You told me you never got over your depression. That you still battle with it.”
“I've become my enemy's friend. Sure, he still throws me a curve ball once in a while, but we're on good terms. The best terms we've been on, actually.”
Tyler was quiet again. Josh thought he was going to cry again. Right when he was going to say something, Tyler spoke.
“You've never told me anything about your life.” Josh's heart picked up a little. “I've told you so many things, but you've told me nothing about yourself.”
“You never asked.”
“Would you tell me if I did?” Josh hesitated before sighing.
“I don't know if it's a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because it could hurt you.”
“What do you mean?” Josh looked up and looked at Tyler's face, his stubble and his soft brown eyes. He always looked like he was sick, so pale and worn down. Maybe the truth could help him in the long run, but now? It could send him over the edge.
“Have you ever tried to touch me?” he said slowly. Tyler looked at him like he was crazy. “Like a pat on the back or anything like that?”
Tyler thought for a moment. “No, I don't think so. Why-?”
“Have you ever looked at me in broad daylight?”
“No, I'm always at school or church-”
“Do you have your phone on you?” Tyler took it out of his pocket and held it up. “Shine it on me.”
“Excuse me?”
“Just do it.”
He turned on the phone and turned his flashlight on, shining it at Josh.
“What am I-?”
“Shine it higher.” Tyler did as he was told. He shined it at his chest, but something was off. The
light wasn't reflecting. It was going through his chest and onto the tree behind him.
“Why-?”
“When I was eighteen, my sister got in a car accident. She died in the hospital a couple hours later.”
“Josh-”
“I had begged her not to go. It had rained the two days before, and the roads were frozen over. She said that she'd be fine, and that she loved me.”
“But-”
“When she didn't come home when she was supposed to, I knew that something was wrong. My parents told me that she would be here soon, that she was probably just being cautious.
“There was a truck that had taken a back road so it didn't have to go to the weighing station. It had swerved on a corner and hit her head on.
“There wasn't much they could do at the hospital, so we call said our goodbyes and pulled the plug. Just like that, she was gone. I couldn't believe she was gone. It happened so fast.
“I blamed myself for not having been more successful on her staying home. I couldn't sleep or eat. I developed depression and I had to be home schooled because I got expelled for missing so many days. My parents got in fights, my other siblings were doing God knows what.
“One night we were all at dinner, and my mom said something that rubbed me the wrong way. I started yelling, and then next thing I know I'm running. I run until I can't feel anything. I thought my heart was going to burst, but I kept going.
“It was raining, and the ground was slick. I fell and I thought, 'I'm so tired. I could take a nap and no one will find me'. So that's what I did.
“I fell asleep here, and when I woke up, it was morning. But something felt wrong. It had been winter when I ran away, but now the leaves were bright green. The ground was dry, even though it had just been raining. I ran back to the house, thinking that my parents would be worried sick.
“When I went there, my family was gone. There was a little girl playing on the tire swing in the front yard, her dad watching her with a smile. I wanted to yell at them, to know what they did with my family, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. They were gone, and they probably wouldn't come back.
“It took me a while to accept the truth, but once I did, I came back here. And that's when I met you.
“You were walking along, singing to yourself. You were sobbing, and you hiccup in the middle of a word. It took me a minute, but I finally went up and walked up, and the rest is history.”
Tyler was quiet, nodding slowly. He reached over and tried to touch Josh, but his hand went right through. Josh wished he could at least feel the warmth, but all he felt was a mass going through him.
“What was her name?”
It took a moment for Josh to speak the name he hadn't in a while. “Ashley.”
Tyler nodded slowly. “It might be a little late, but I'm sorry for your loss.”
Josh shrugged. “Only by a couple of years.” They sat in silence for a while, lost in their own thoughts before Tyler sighed. “Well, you're the best dead friend I could ask for.”
Josh smiled. “And you're the best living one.”
—————
“Tyler?”
Josh heard rustling in the distance. He hadn't seen Tyler in a few days, which is odd. Usually he would get a heads-up, but there had been no warning.
The last time Josh had seen him was the night that he spilled everything. Four days have passed, and it was now Tuesday. Should Josh check up on him?
He debated with himself for a while, walking around the tree that they usually sat on before giving in and walking towards his house. Josh had been curious one night and had followed Tyler home. It was a nice one, two stories with a bunch of home-y decorations around it. Tyler had went upstairs while his family was watching a movie. They seemed like nice people.
Josh knew that only Tyler could see him. Tyler was the one Josh allowed to see him. Anyone else would be too much.
Josh went up to the sliding glass doors and walked through, now in the kitchen area. His mother was sitting there, crying in all black with her head in her hands. Josh's heart dropped. Oh no.
Josh ran around the house, looking in room after room, wondering if Tyler had crossed over. If he would cross over. Josh didn't know a thing about how long it took someone to come through, but hopefully Josh wasn't too late.
Finally Josh came to what he presumed to be Tyler's room. There was a body in the bed, breathing slow and regular. Josh turned them over, his heart skipping a beat when he saw Tyler's face.
“Tyler? Tyler! Wake up!” His eyes fluttered open, looking confused at Josh.
“Josh? What are you doing here?”
“Why did you do it?”
Tyler's face scrunched up in more confusion. “What-?”
Josh put his hand on Tyler's arm. His eyes were wide and he squeezed as hard as he could. “Ow! Josh, that hur-!”
Understanding came across his face as he looked at the hand that was harming him. “W-what--”
“Tyler, why did you do it?”
“I- I just wanted to sleep...” Tyler was sobbing now, tears filling his eyes. “I took some pills, and I just wanted to sleep. I haven't slept in so long...”
Josh didn't know what to do. He couldn't be mad at Tyler. He was mad at himself. He knew that the truth would push him, but he didn't think it would go this far.
“It's okay, Tyler,” he said as he pulled him into a hug. This was the boy that had been coming to him after they first met more than a year ago. He shouldn't have added onto the list of this boy's problems. “I'm sorry, Tyler.”
“Don't be,” he sniffled. “I'm sorry I pried.”
“Don't be.”
They sat there for a while, Josh's arms around Tyler as he cried. He didn't know why he was crying. Maybe it was just shock. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to be in Josh's arms.
“When you had said you died, I thought you were an illusion... I thought that it was because I hadn't slept in so long... I just wanted to wake up in the morning and see that you were still there... I wanted that so bad...”
“Shh, it's okay, Tyler.” And it was. Tyler always talked about how he didn't want to harm anyone that cared about him if he did kill himself. But he also talked about how Josh was the only one that let him talk about his problems without giving him advice on getting better, to make him feel normal with his mental illnesses. How Josh was the only that seemed to genuinely care about him. “It's okay.”
“”I'm so sorry.”
“You don't need to be. It's okay.”
Tyler stopped crying after an hour or so, but he didn't let go of Josh until he spoke up. “Let's go to our spot.”
Tyler nodded, finally letting go. Josh took him by the hand and led them to their tree. Tyler climbed up first, Josh following close behind. They sat on the branch, looking out through the other trees.
“Remember the first time we met?” Josh asked, Tyler nodded. “You were singing that song. What was it?”
“Just something I thought of.”
“Can I hear it?”
Tyler looked hesitant. “You don't have to, I was just-”
“Down in the forest, we'll sing a chorus,” Tyler sang, looking straight forward. “One that everybody knows.” Josh took his hand and squeezed, letting him continue. “Hands held higher, we'll be on fire. Singing songs that nobody wrote.”
They sat in silence for a while before Josh cleared his throat. “Down in the forest...” he trailed off, waiting.
“We'll sing a chorus...”