Chapter Text
Daiba Nana would like it to be known, for the record, that it was quite difficult to take deep steadying breaths while pretending not to. Air in through the nose, slowly, so slowly. Hold. Not so long, but just long enough. Out through the mouth, but not in a rasp, not sharply. The gentle rise and fall of her chest.
Oh who was she kidding. It was obvious as hell, Hikari just wasn't commenting on it because she was too polite for that.
Well, that was good at least. Nana could definitely do without the pitying looks, especially when she had no good reason to be feeling the way she did. It was ridiculous really, she spent sixty damn years spending as much time around her friends as she possibly could, and now the thought of an hour or two on video call had her feeling like this?
Ah, but therein lay the truth, didn’t it? It wasn’t that she couldn’t bear to see them all again. It wasn’t even that she couldn’t bear to see Her again.
It was that it could never be enough.
“They’re arriving,” Hikari said, breaking her reverie.
Sure enough, a couple of familiar faces popped into the waiting room chat for the call. Maya and Claudine first, then Futaba, a few moments later…
Aijou Karen: Hi!!! OMG I’ve missed you guys sooooooooo much!
Nana glanced over, noting the tiniest ghost of a smile that appeared on Hikari’s face at the message. At least Nana wasn’t the only one less subtle than she thought.
Saijou Claudine: Oui! It’s been far too long!
Isurugi Futaba: Kaoruko’s gonna be here in a sec, dw
Aijou Karen: AAAAAAAAAA I’m so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kagura Hikari: Missed you too.
Aijou Karen: Hikari!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW’S IT GOING!??!?!?!??!
Nana, forgive her, tuned out for a moment. She found herself gazing towards the window, since she wasn’t particularly invested in finding out what miniscule tinge of red qualified as Hikari’s blushing face. Out towards the London skyline. The view she'd memorised in the scant month and a half since the move. The patterns in the buildings. The rustling breath of the Autumn trees in the park.
In through her nose. Slowly. So slowly. Hold—
Hoshimi Junna: Hello, all!
And out.
Hoshimi Junna: Sorry for being so late, but I think that’s everyone. Shall we begin?
In. Hold. Out.
Nana clicked the button. “Hello, everyone!” she greeted with a bright smile. “It’s been so long, hope your days have been bana-nice!”
Nana was doing, by her own estimation, a pretty good job at enjoying the video call. It was lovely catching up! They were all such wonderful storytellers, she couldn’t help but to imagine being there for Mahiru’s first role with New National; picture herself smiling from the audience in the Senka-ryu at Kaoruko’s perfect performance; admittedly probably not actually accompany Maya and Claudine for their first anniversary date, but they painted a vivid enough picture of their ever-growing love nonetheless.
It was all nice. It was all lovely! Nana had been participating well, cooing and smiling at all the right moments. She already knew what she was going to say when it came to her and Hikari’s turn to update everyone on their new life in London. She’d rehearsed a couple of different variations too, just depending on how Hikari answered.
But the overall outline remained the same. Having a lovely time, become much closer with Hikari (even if she’s horrible at cleaning up after herself), rehearsing has been going well, a couple of specific anecdotes to tell, adjust based on what Hikari says…
“Oh Junna~” Kaoruko interrupted Nana’s thoughts, as Futaba finished up her discussion of how brutal the second term rehearsal schedule had been. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about youuu~”
Her J— Junna. Junna glanced up, deer in headlights surprise written across Her features. Shock, but… a tiny amount of excitement too? It shouldn’t have been a struggle, but it had been seven months and twelve days, and a tiny video call portrait didn’t help with the finer details. “Oh, um,” Junna began. “Well, I was going to let the rest of you—”
“I don’t think so.” Kaoruko smirked. “Not after the juicy info I heard last time…”
Nana’s heart twisted. Her stomach plummeted. A million worst case scenarios flitted through her mind at once, even the best case of which being the sharp sting that Junna would be so comfortable sharing details of Her personal life with Kaoruko, and not Nana. Never Nana.
“I- It’s not that serious!” Junna babbled, face turning a gorgeous shade of pink that made Nana want to fucking die. “Maria wants to keep things casual, and that’s kinda working for me right now, so—”
For the first time in Nana’s unnaturally extended life, she didn’t finish listening to what Junna said. She couldn’t. The anguish and pain that suddenly ripped at her chest was far too great to bear another word. Nana’s hands clenched, throat swelling like she was choking. Maybe she hoped she was. No, she definitely did.
“Oh, is that what qualifies for casual these days?” Kaoruko asked with a leer. “How American of you already, after only a month! Such a quick learner, that’s our Junna.”
Her J— No. Junna. Always and forever only Junna. As if She could ever be only anything. Junna flushed even brighter still. Had She ever flushed so brightly for Nana? She must have, but even trying to think of the memory was like stabbing her own brain through the eyes with molten spikes. “It’s just fun!” Junna exclaimed.
“I’m sure she is,” Kaoruko followed up, leaning closer to her screen with a vicious smile that made Nana want to paint her ear to ear with a lot more than fucking tomato juice. “Gotta be, if our old Class Pres wants to keep having fun~”
Junna began babbling, as Nana’s mind filled with unbidden images of Junna, of her Junna, dancing beneath the touch of another woman, sharing Her body with another woman, being brought to the heights of ecstasy by another woman.
No. Not another woman. A real fucking woman. Someone who would forever and immutably be what half a dozen surgeries had never made Nana and a dozen more never could—
“Hey,” Hikari interrupted. Nana’s eyes whipped over in panic, thinking Hikari must have noticed how badly she was collapsing in on herself. But no, she was looking at her screen, same as Nana was supposed to be. “Lay off about Junna’s sex life. It’s her place to choose what she wants to share, or not.”
Kaoruko sat back with a huff, as the others all nodded in shared agreement. “Fine, spoilsport.”
An awkward silence filled the chat. Nana tried to return her breathing to neutral, but it was impossible. She couldn’t breathe gently enough, always too hard, that was Daiba Nana. She could mute herself to allow for deeper breaths that wouldn’t alert the others, but then they would notice she’d muted and immediately know why.
“Do you have any pictures of the two of you?” Karen finally interrupted the silence, smiling softly, as Nana attempted to compose herself and thank whatever god she’d never believed in for making her this way for the fact at least Karen speaking would draw everyone’s attention away from how close Nana was to breaking into tears.
Junna — never her Junna — flinched, shaking Her head and glancing at the screen. It could have been at any of them, but Nana knew. And She knew that Nana knew. “No, sorry. Not really had my picture taken in a while.”
And there it was. The final knife to the heart. Poetically, it was once again a blade that Nana had handed Junna herself.
Nana had not done a particularly great job of enjoying the video call. When it had finally come round to her and Hikari’s turn for catchup, she’d barely spoken, stomach churning any time she opened her mouth.
She knew they could all tell. Maybe someone as charitable as Karen at least held some hope that Nana could be better than this, could chalk it up to her simply being tired, or having a low day.
But for fuck’s sake, Nana had let Kagura Hikari carry a conversation for her. If that wasn’t obvious, what was?
Hikari folded down her laptop screen, turning to Nana. “I’m going to go to the chicken shop and get some food,” she said, carefully. “Would you like to come with me?”
Nana shook her head slowly. “Not really hungry,” she said. Which was true, in the sense that her stomach was churning with such intense jealousy and bile that there wasn’t a prayer of her eating so much as a cracker.
Hikari nodded. “I’ll bring some back for you, then,” she said, with far more gentleness than Nana would ever be worthy of.
The door closed with a soft click. Daiba Nana did not weep. She didn’t deserve to.