Chapter Text
Cassidy would like to think of himself as a decent person. Not a good one per say, and definitely not the perfect kind, but someone who eventually learned to have basic manners and who left behind a rocky past in favor of looking to a better future. Decent, right?
Except now he wasn’t so sure. Now, he had to assume he was some sort of sick pervert, or a weirdo. Because a decent person wouldn’t have stared for as long as he did the moment his eyes caught a glimpse of what his allies were packing. Or in this case, what they weren’t packing.
His hand shook a little as he picked the lit cigar from his lips to tap the ashes off the tip of it, the grey powder snowing into the ashtray on the canteen table. Yesterday had been a bit of an… interesting day for him.
They had returned from a mission overseas and they’d made it back from a particularly dusty place. Sweaty, greasy, grimy and tired, he had not been able to catch a wink in the aircraft and only got some shuteye the moment he could lie down back at base. One moment it had been noon, the next it was late evening. He had had a quick snack and then headed to the shared showers and got himself a well-earned hot and long shower.
It was when he was already half dressed, still damp and drying off his hair with a towel over his head he had heard another person sneak into the locker room. He had been greeted, recognized the voice as Genji’s and he had greeted him back.
It was when he had pulled the towel off his head he had seen it. The angle and timing had been unlucky, to say the least.
If he remembered correctly the term was “transgender”. Or was it “transsexual”? He never quite knew what the differences were between the two, but it was trans-something. Born one thing, identifying and living as another. Transcending your physical sex to choose the gender that suited you better. A concept that was quite old and well-known by now.
He knew the basics of LGBT. Everyone and their mom knew by now that Tracer had a girlfriend, Jack had always been open about being gay and Baptiste flirted casually with everyone and anything if he could get away with it. Cassidy was at least familiar with the first three letters of the acronym.
But gender? That was something Cassidy took for granted at best. He never thought of his own, he just lived it. He was born a boy and grew to be a man. The concept of that changing was as foreign to him as it could possibly get.
This was not to say that he had a problem with trans people. It wasn’t the fact that Genji, a friend of his who he had known for years, turned out to have been trans this whole time was a problem. It wasn't! If anything it actually explained a whole lot all of a sudden (Genji’s past aversion to locker rooms and other situations that left him nude), and there was this clarity, this slight bit of understanding of the guy as a person which had felt like a mist lifting. Things just made a little more sense now.
But then there had been something else.
And this is where the pervert thing came in. Because a normal, well-adjusted person might see someone’s privates on accident and look away . It would be the polite thing to do. The decent thing to do. Doing the opposite would imply the opposite; impolite and indecent. Bad.
He had stared. For long. Long enough that he had been noticed . By the time he had looked away, it was far too late and the silence that had permeated the room had been oppressive. Had he been a weaker man, he may have succumbed then and there. Mercy would have had to declare him dead on the spot.
Instead he had found enough strength to excuse himself, get dressed and fuck off before anything else had occured. But the damage was done and he knew it to be so.
He sat dejectedly in the uncomfortable chair and stared at the ceiling in utter despair. He had been unable to sleep at all. The thought of having to look his allies in the eyes despite how his brain replayed the scene in his head again and again was taking years, no, decades of his dwindling lifespan.
Genji had a coin slot. An innie. Built-in facilities. He was trans and a man, so he had nothing hanging between his legs. And Cassidy had never been so interested in seeing it till yesterday.
Groaning, he held his head in his hand. This was wrong of him, right? To suddenly feel differently just because Genji happened to have parts he normally connected with women. That was wrong of him, he was sure of it.
He rolled the shortening length that was his cigar between two mechanical fingers, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he thought about it. Like, really thought about it. Technically seen, Genji had been naked almost all the time back in Blackwatch. In fact, the clothes Genji wore nowadays were a recent thing. Honestly, Cole hadn’t thought much of it before yesterday's incident, nothing beyond noting that Genji ate and drank like the rest of them, thus surely he had “exits”. Did that mean Genji had been scantily clad rather than nude this whole time?
A long, tired sigh left him. What kind of friend was he supposed to be? Genji had on several occasions fondly referred to Cassidy as “a brother” (a statement that left him slightly confused, considering what Genji might associate with a word like “brother”), and Cassidy had a really short list of people he would trust with his back. Genji was on the top of it. He had to… to apologize. Or something.
This train of thought was interrupted, rudely at that. Slender fingers snatched the cigar out between his digits and put it out in the ashtray. He didn’t even have to look to know who it was.
“Got it this time~!”
“I was done with it.”
Mercy sat beside him and put down two steaming mugs of coffee. He realized one of them was for him and that the one he had been drinking was cold by now. That’s what he got for getting lost in thought.
“Then you better watch out! I might get it early next time!” She sounded chipper, but when Cole looked at her he spotted the dark circles under her eyes.
“Tough night?” He asked. Mercy nodded.
“The usual. While no one needed extensive care, I still have to record every injury, and some of you are passionate collectors of such!” She laughed. Cole knew he wasn’t exactly on the top of that list, but he certainly wasn’t on the bottom either. He grinned.
“We’re darned lucky to have ya, but maybe you should get yourself an assistant or secretary or sumthin’.” He knew neither Baptiste nor Brigitte were fond of paperwork, even if they were the team medics with Mercy.
“I am inclined to agree, but we must make do for now.” She sat down her mug and Cole realized she had already thrown the whole thing back. Terrifying. “So yes, tough night. Honestly I haven’t even slept yet.”
“Good god, doc.”
“I know, I know. I’ve got a few more reports to update but after that I’m sleeping, I promise.”
“Mmh, ya better.”
Mercy stretched and yawned. “Why are you looking so tired? If I recall correctly you disappeared into your room as soon as we made it back and did not come out! I thought you were sleeping?”
Cole tried not to act suspicious. He had a pretty decent pokerface, he was excellent at acting nonchalant. But Mercy must have caught the way the corner of his mouth twitched uncharacteristically, because when he chuckled she looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Ah, it ain’t nothin’. Just exhausted. Think I’m startin’ ta get old.” He hid his face in the mug (remembering too late that Mercy preferred her coffee charred) she had brought him, face warm. Honestly he did not want to remember last night.
“Aha. I see.”
The silence afterwards was a clear signal. She wasn’t going to pry, but she also did not believe him. This was fine for now, actually.
… Something occurred to him, however.
If Genji had been trans this whole time, the one person who must have known from the beginning would be Mercy. She had been in charge of the lifesaving surgeries that had kept him alive, and she had been his designated doctor since then. She was still in charge of Genji’s maintenance and checkups.
He glanced at her, watching her eat her buttered toast. Part of him felt like it’d be a bad idea, but his curiosity was getting the better of him. That, and the disbelief he still carried caused by his years-old friendship with Genji and somehow not knowing about it the whole time.
“Say, Angela…” He said carefully. She hummed in response, mouth full of bread.
“I found out sumthin’ interstin’ recently.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
He hesitated. He turned his head to listen closely, but he heard no footsteps, no doors being opened or closed. There was a distant clanging from the hangar, but it seemed like the canteen was clear. He shifted, nervous.
“Iunno how ta… talk ‘bout it.” He started. Mercy paused her eating. “But I figure since ya know him better than I do, maybe I should ask you.”
She blinked. “Know who?”
It took an extraordinary amount of effort to reveal his hand to her. “Genji.”
She nodded carefully. “We are friends, yes. But so are the two of you.”
Cole grimaced in slight embarrassment. “Yeah, we are. But I… I found out ‘bout sumthin’ recent-like. I’m not an expert or nothin’ on it, and I don’t wanna be rude to ‘im. But I figured if anyone knew ‘bout it, you would.”
Mercy blinked slowly at him. Then she warily sat her toast back on the plate. “... Is this about him being trans?”
So she knew. He figured. Now he would have to hurry and say something, because she had quite the fire in her eyes now.
“It’s that , yes, but before you jump to conclusions it’s not a problem .” He put up his hands like he was being threatened with a gun and he saw the tension disappear from her shoulders.
“Oh. Well, good.” She looked relieved. Then she paused and narrowed her eyes. “And you ‘found out’ how , exactly?”
He gulped. “Erm. Well, ya see…” He brought a hand up to scratch the back of his head. “Y-yesterday I might have, err. Caught a glimpse while he was changin’. And I might have stared . And he might have caught me.”
The way she shook her head like a disappointed mother made his face light up.
“You best tell me you apologized, Cassidy .” He was being scolded. To be honest, he kind of deserved it.
“Naw, not yet. I got embarrassed, so I hightailed it out of there. I was planning to do it sometime today.” The disapproval was plain on her usually gentle features.
“How insensitive. He has struggled with his body enough as is, he does not need misplaced curiosity from anyone, and certainly not from a close friend .” Mercy put her hands on her sides, her tone strict. “Have some care, will you? How would you feel if he gawked at you the same way?”
Now, her question was her attempting to scold him. To appeal to his empathy. It was rhetorical, meant to evoke a negative emotion based on an imaginary scenario where Cassidy was being stared at by Genji while he was naked.
Thus the surge of excitement at the thought was deeply inappropriate.
“Like I said…” He mumbled, tugging his hat down. “I wanna apologize. But I ain’t sure how I should approach him about it. I mean I barely know what it means to be trans.”
Mercy’s face softened. “You can always ask him, Cole.”
Right. And risk saying something utterly stupid. He sighed. “I don’t even know if he wanted me to know.”
“He isn’t very open about it. Not that it matters whether or not he is, but only a few people know of this to begin with.”
Cole, overcome by curiosity, looked at her from underneath the brim of his hat.
“... You know who? Aside from us, I mean.” Mercy looked thoughtful for a moment.
“Mmh… His brother knew. Respected it, too. I think they had a childhood friend who knew as well.” She paused. “But to be honest, Cole… I really think this is something you should talk to him about, not me. We may be close, but I’m not going to speak on his behalf.”
He played with the hairs of his beard, deep in thought.The sooner he went to apologize, the better. It would mean Genji spent less time thinking Cole might have a problem with him being trans.
He heard Mercy’s chair scrape against the floor as she moved to stand.
“You headin’ back ta work?”
“Ja. I will sleep once I’m done, so try not to do something too silly!” She laughed and placed the cup and plate in the dishwasher. “Now go find him. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”
After years of knowing him, Genji was a little less difficult to find for Cole. It was still somewhat of a challenge, figuring out exactly where the guy might be spending the day, but Cole knew by now that Genji had a schedule. In the later morning hours he was usually dedicating himself to either training or meditation, depending. If it was training, he’d be at the training range, but Cole didn’t find him there. So it was almost a guarantee that Genji was somewhere quiet, attempting to meditate.
This made it a bit harder to find him, but there were a few places Cassidy had seen him go. Usually somewhere high up, isolated and where both the wind and sun could be felt. He had made the rounds, and sure enough he finally found Genji, sitting on a roof as still as a statue.
Cole wanted to leave him to it, reasoning with himself that he was interrupting something. But he knew that it was an excuse to avoid the conversation he needed to have with him. So he approached, leading himself up the metal stairs and towards his friend, trying not to think about how far up they were.
“Howdy.” He called out.
“Hello.”
The tone was unreadable. Or maybe Cole was just nervous. He carefully snuck closer and took a seat beside Genji, quietly murmuring out to not mind him.
For a moment they just sat there, the sun warm and the wind gentle, despite the nippy chill. Cole fished out his lighter and a cigarette, just something to calm his nerves while they were here.
“Sorry ‘bout yesterday, Genji.” He started, staring at the horizon with smoke puffing from his lips. “I really am. I think I made you uncomfortable.”
“In the locker room?” Genji asked.
“Uh huh.” Cole took a long drag of his cigarette, feeling somehow even more tired. There was a pause, and the entire time he was scared to turn and look at Genji.
“It’s alright. I was simply worried when you stared at me so.” Genji said it with an almost unnatural calmness, like he was controlling his voice to seem less upset.
“Well, you don’t need ta be worried. I didn’t look atcha ‘cus I hated what I saw. I was just…” Cole gestured with his hands. Genji waited patiently.
“Just?”
“Surprised might be the right word. Curious.”
Another long pause. He knew it wasn’t his right to pry. Thus, if Genji decided that it was none of his business, then none of his business it would be.
“Because you saw me naked?”
Cole sputtered in surprise, forgetting just how blunt Genji could be at times. “When you put it that way…!” Cole couldn't help the laugh.
“Is that not what happened?” Genji’s voice had turned jovial, thank god. A weight lifted from Cassidy’s shoulders.
“I guess so, but try to give me some grace, will ya?” Cole tugged his hat further over his face, attempting to hide the warmth spreading across his face.. “What I meant is that…”
He hesitated, trying to think of ways to ask that were appropriate. He could imagine the sheer amount of invasiveness that suddenly became acceptable to others once they knew about someone being trans. Cole wanted to avoid all that, but in his ignorance he would have to ask some stupid questions… He just really didn’t want to start the conversation asking the dumbest ones.
“Do you want me to…” Genji gently said. Cole ran a hand over his face, sighing.
“I’d like you to explain it to me, yeah.” He finally met Genji’s gaze, smiling tiredly.
Genji tilted his helmet, a hand clenching thoughtfully. Cole felt nervous, unsure if how he was doing this was appropriate or not. He was here to learn, and to mend the mistakes he made. He was on unknown territory, and usually he could navigate something like that just fine… But he has been stumbling about much more frequently regarding this situation.
“You don’t gotta if you don’t feel like it. Figured I’d try asking you first, since… You know.” Cole gestured awkwardly. “You’d know.”
Genji steepled his fingers in his lap and seemed to be thinking carefully about what to say. “I realize this may have shocked you… I’m sorry if you felt tricked.”
Cole, in slight disbelief, shook his head. Tricked? He didn’t feel tricked, no. He had felt something alright, but tricked wasn’t quite it… Maybe left out, or baffled at not knowing about it despite thinking of Genji as a close friend.
“Hey now…” He put a hand on Genji’s shoulder, feeling his armor through the shirt. “None of that. You ain’t tricked no one.”
“Why did you act so surprised back then?”
The question, while reasonable, caught Cassidy with his metaphorical chaps down. He felt like he should have expected the question, but now that he had to answer it he found himself immediately floundering. Because he had in fact stared quite a lot at the time. And he had fled the scene immediately after. He could only wonder what it had looked like from Genji’s point of view.
“Oh, I wasn’t gawking at you like I thought it was so terrible to look at! I just wasn’t expecting to see your- Well, you were- You had your back to me so I saw your, er, your everything .” Cole stumbled through the sentence like a headless chicken, grasping at what was left of his composure. “I only see stuff like that when I’m bout ta do somethin’ improper, so connotations had me- For a second I was caught off guard, so I-”
He finally cut himself off, hiding his face in his hand. “I think I should stop talking, actually.”
“You were… turned on by it?”
Genji’s question was more of an accusation than anything else. The answer was clearly a resounding yes. Cole did not need to answer, even if he was too petrified to get it out to begin with. He wished he had the capacity to lie about it to him, but it felt as if that would be worse than simply admitting to it.
Instead he never replied. Instead, he slowly stood, thinking he had done just enough damage as it were.
“If, uh…” Cole finally said, ears burning. “If ya need me I’ll be at the shootin’ range.”
He scurried off like a coward once again. Genji never tried to follow him, nor did he call out to him. Cole couldn’t tell if he had wanted that or not.
He spent the rest of the day where he’d said he’d be. At the shooting range, missing every target.
He wasn’t sure he’d ever mucked something up as much as this.
By the time it was late evening, he had been all but dragged off to eat leftovers from dinner by Mercy, who then insisted he headed to bed. But despite being exhausted Cole found himself utterly unable to sleep, turning and turning in his bed to find the right angle. Yet no matter what he tried his body was uncomfortable and refused to settle, and he had to believe what Genji had once said was true, that the body mirrored the condition of the mind.
He had meant to ask into the transgender thing, not admit to being a pervert. What a deeply embarrassing performance. Worse than usual.
When he thought about his compilation of incredible blunders he felt as if there were only two things to blame and that was his ignorance on the subject matter but additionally it was also the fact that he was now more or less sure that he was in fact attracted to Genji now.
It was harrowing. Up until now he had thought he was a heterosexual man. Quite sure of it, too. Thus finding another man attractive put a big, glowing question mark on that part of his entire life up until now.
Additionally he was terrified of whether or not he had always felt this way about men, or if it was just Genji and it was simply because he was trans. Because he had lady parts.
Something dark coiled in his chest. This was his own fault, not Genji’s. He needed to find a way to solve this, mend the damage he had done. To be attracted to him after all these years simply because he saw him from an angle he had never even considered or fantasized about before.
Cole sighed in frustration. Recalling it left him hot enough to feel his skin prickle. Wanton lust did not justify his mistakes.
He could feel himself regretting it as he did it, palming his waking bulge through his briefs. He couldn’t sleep anyways, he thought. This was to help him sleep.
Silver metal and artificial muscle accented by green lights sprung into his mind. Beckoned him till he gave up his resistance. A siren’s song asking him to imagine a different scenario, one where he had been dared to react, come closer and have a better look. Have a taste. Where his fingers got to feel and explore.
He tried to be quick. Tried not to indulge in the scenario he had succumbed to. The sooner he got it out of his system the better, he thought. Once the post-orgasm clarity settled in, surely this feeling would disappear and grant him the ability to function normally again.
The agony of knowing it wasn’t supposed to be like this between them expedited his arousal, for better or for worse. His head asked if he wouldn’t like finding out what a cybernetically grafted pussy could do, wondering how close it was to the natural thing and if Genji had gone for upgrades. Asked him if he didn’t want to ravish it, paint the insides and see if it was possible for a cyborg to squirt. And if so, how many times he could do it till Genji begged him to stop.
He held his breath, one hand wrapped around his aching length and the other squeezing the tip enthusiastically. For a moment, he let it lead him, forgetting why this was wrong. For a moment he let it overtake him, no shame felt. He moaned softly, Genji’s name right on the tip of his tongue.
He usually lasted longer. But when he bursted, he bursted hard enough that his eyes whited out for a second. Bliss found him, release letting his body relax into a languid puddle with a sense of peace he hadn’t felt the last 36 hours.
Then it was gone and it could not protect him from the guilt.